Top Gear (2002) s22e08 Episode Script

The Big Send Off Special

'Tonight, James falls out of a boat.
'I have a fight with a gear lever.
~ 'And' ~ Hello.
'Oh, dear.
This is a bit embarrassing.
' Hello and welcome to what's left of Top Gear.
And tonight's programme is not, as I'm sure you've guessed, a normal one.
In fact, what we're going to do is show you two films that were shot for the last series.
Yes, the second one is tremendous, and that'll be coming up later.
But I want to start with this.
It's a Jaguar E-Type.
And thanks to rocketing classic car prices, it's now worth about 200 grand.
And it's the same story with these two.
The Ferrari Daytona and the Aston Martin DB5.
Around 20 years ago, you'd have been able to buy either of these for around £80,000.
But today, the Ferrari, £700,000.
The Aston Martin, probably a million.
But there are still some classic cars around that you can buy for reasonable money.
The question is, should you? Well, to find out, the producers told me, Richard and Jeremy to go and buy a classic car apiece and then turn up with them at an old railway station in Buckinghamshire.
They said we were going to spend a few days living the classic car experience.
English country lanes, warm brown beer, and lots of fellow enthusiasts to talk to.
Basically, Jeremy's idea of hell.
'This was the meeting point.
'And I was the first to arrive, in my 1972 MGB GT.
' This is it.
This is the daddy.
Think of a small, classic, British sports car and you are thinking of this, the MGB GT.
Mechanically, it's not a bad example of what is undoubtedly Britain's most popular classic car.
'At this point, I was interrupted by the arrival of Captain Cheerful.
' Oh, I say.
That is pretty.
~ Why are we doing this? ~ What? What do you mean, why? Look at it, cos of everything about the day, the location, old trains, classic cars, tinkering.
Hammond, listen, nobody buys a classic television.
They don't say, "Look, you have to bang it on the top to make the picture work "and it's in black and white and then you have to stand up to change the channel.
" So why would you buy a classic car? Because, well, look at it.
No, I admit, Fiat 124 Spider.
Incredibly pretty.
Designed by the same man who did the Ferrari 275 GTS, Lancia Fulvia, De Tomaso Pantera.
But it will go wrong all the time.
Yes, that's the point.
Then you can stop and fix it yourself.
This is not just a car.
It's something to do at the weekends, it's a project.
The Hoover Dam was a project.
A broken down car is an inconvenience.
It is.
And yours will break down even more, cos it's an MGB GT.
Deliciously and delightfully simple.
It's ~ Whoa! ~ What? What, what? Has there been a knife fight in the back of it? Look at it.
The heritage, the history.
It's This was the poor man's E-Type.
It's horrid.
'Soon we realised there wasn't an elephant in the room.
' What do you think the elephant will be driving? Well, it'll be a Triumph.
But I've thought about this, it'll be, I think, a TR7.
Because he won't expect us to expect that.
~ He'll think that'll ~ Stag.
But that's too obvious.
It's a Peugeot.
And that's right and proper.
Cos he's old and he never goes faster than one.
He is basically a Peugeot himself.
Is it is it very quiet? Or has it ~ Bonjour, mes amis.
~ It's electric! Why isn't it running? Oh, I'm just saving petrol.
~ James, why isn't it running? ~ What do you think? It's extremely pretty.
~ That is a pretty car.
~ Pretty.
~ Peugeot 304 Decapotable S.
~ Cor, I didn't expect That means convertible? ~ It does, yes.
~ Decapitated.
Beheaded, yes.
~ Is this you or him? ~ It's mine! ~ Hello, hello.
~ Britain's most popular classic.
Look at it.
~ So that must be yours.
~ Yes.
~ I sort of approve of that.
The only problem is it's the American spec, it's lived all of its life in California.
Those wheels are all wrong.
I know.
They had to raise it because to get the headlights the American height above the road, they raised the whole car.
And that ruined the ride height and the wheels are, as you say, wrong.
Anyway, let's be positive about it.
We've all got cars styled by Pininfarina.
He hasn't.
~ Oh, I have.
~ No.
~ What, this was styled by Pininfarina? Yeah, the convertible version came out first and a couple of years later Pininfarina turned it into this.
Pininfarina's dog.
'With the classic British weather beckoning, 'we set off for a classic, classic car drive.
' Which way are you going to, oh Through the gate.
~ Cos this is the S, remember.
~ Go on! Oh, that sounds mighty.
Here we go! This is everything I hoped it would be.
It's an experience.
I can feel things that are going on.
I'm involved in it.
There are those who say there is no better sound in the motoring world than the 1.
8 litre engine, exactly like that one.
Oh, that does sound brilliant.
That's a proper car.
'In the Peugeot, James was upbeat as well.
' This Peugeot, I think you will agree, is charming.
It is interesting.
It's French, it's a bit left-field.
I mean, everything works.
Look, I mean, the windscreen wipers are working.
Um Yeah, there's a clock.
'Meanwhile, in the Fiat' This car is absolutely horrible.
I mean, the driving position, they put the steering wheel directly above the pedals, so to get comfortable, your arms have to be the same length as your legs.
And mine aren't.
Steaming up slightly.
I'll just engage the heater.
Heater's not working.
Welcome to 1970s classic motoring.
'And, a few moments later, James made it even more authentic.
' Hang on, hang on, it's conking.
Oh, here it goes.
Don't stop.
Seven minutes and two miles into the journey, he's broken down.
'With the help of a kindly local' ~ Pushing.
~ Pushing.
~ OK.
~ Pushing.
we got James going again.
' ~ Here we go.
~ Dump the clutch, James.
There you go.
Yes, thank you! I can't stop.
Now I'm having to leave them.
That's a bit poor, isn't it, but I'm sure they'll catch up.
We're off again.
That's all part of it.
Nice man helped us.
You see, we'd never have met that nice man if it wasn't for our cars.
Is this really your top speed, James? Uh, pretty much, yeah.
'For once, though, I was quite glad he was holding me up.
' Right.
No faster than this, or the wheels will fall off.
These are aftermarket wheels.
They have oval-shaped holes where the nuts go through.
And if you go above say, 'Luckily, before there was a chance for that to happen' Bloody hell, oh, not again! 'I've gone again, sorry.
' Tell you what, that is coming out of the back of your car.
~ That is.
~ Oil.
~ This is this is classic car motoring.
Oh, next Thursday I'll take a day off work, take the old girl out, get the roof down, Thursday comes, it's raining.
~ Yeah.
~ Well, yeah ~ And your car breaks down.
~ The rain makes it more interesting.
~ It doesn't.
~ It does.
Standing here on a warm, sunny day would be boring and ordinary.
~ It wouldn't! ~ This is more of a challenge! 'Hammond and I then did another classic car workout.
' Push like hell.
~ Yes, just shut up.
~ We are pushing hard! We are pushing! Here we go.
Come on, chaps, let's go.
What an absolutely horrible day.
The Peugeot is getting better.
It's responding to sympathetic treatment.
That's the thing you have to remember about old machinery.
You have to form a bond with it.
Oh bollocks! Don't stop.
'At this point, even Hammond was tiring of the classic car camaraderie.
' We've weighed it up and we've decided we've helped him enough today, frankly.
James, your car doesn't work.
Hammond, do you think you'll be able to buy an alternator for a 1970s Peugeot in Burford? No, no.
A very nice oven glove with a cat on it - yes.
Or some jam in a gingham pot of some sort.
But alternators for 'Later that day, we were all reunited.
And the producers said 'we should do what all classic car enthusiasts do after a short drive.
'Go immediately into a garage to do a bit of tinkering.
' There you go, my beauty.
There you go.
telling you, be of good cheer It's the most wonderful time of the year Hold tight.
SNAP! You win again! Sit back, enjoy the fireworks, and let's bring in the new year.
Jane, the producer today, is looking forward to seeing her Valentine, Paul this evening.
Nicola wants to say Happy Valentine's to her niece, Ella, and I promise my Valentine a big kiss later today 'When a cuckoo told us that spring had sprung, 'we emerged from our nests.
'And not only were our cars transformed 'so was I.
' ~ Oh, I say, here.
~ Oh, yeah.
Checkerboard, nice work.
Ooh! ~ Harnesses.
~ Look at those seats.
~ Hello.
~ Wow.
Bucket seats.
Racing seats.
And stainless steel exhaust, front to back.
~ You're kidding.
~ Yep, all the way.
But, gentlemen, behold the achievement.
Losing the bumpers ~ Bumpers gone.
~ Genius.
Coils, sliced away top and bottom.
So it's now lower.
New Abarth wheels.
Black bonnet.
And, of course, at the front, a brace of Cibies.
So, essentially, this is how it should've looked.
It's how it was when it was sold in Italy.
~ Yes.
~ The Americans totally ruined it by lifting it up and putting stupid bumpers on it.
I've taken it back to original spec.
~ I have been busy.
~ It's nice.
So, James, what car have you been working on? Funny.
No, wait, I can see how busy he's been.
You've painted your headlights yellow and it's taken you October, ~ November, December, January, February ~ Yeah, but I've also rebuilt and improved and completely mended the engine.
~ You mean you've just made your car work.
~ Yeah.
Except you won't be able to see where you're going cos you've gone for the old French headlight system.
~ Yes.
~ James.
It's authentically dangerous.
~ What is that on your steering wheel? ~ That's just in case I had to move the steering wheel while I had oily hands from working on the engine.
Somebody manufactures a condom for the steering wheel? It turns out they do, yeah.
And if you're a monk with hair round the sides but not on the top, it's also a shower cap.
'Having spent six months in hibernation doing tinkering, 'even I couldn't wait to take my car out for a drive.
' Tell me this car doesn't look brilliant.
Tell me, I dare you.
Actually it does look a lot better than it did, I'll give you that.
'You have polished that turd well, Hammond.
' Oh, I'm loving This is this is tremendous.
Driving a car like this with big bumpers and idiotic ride height in the rain - utter misery.
But now .
An English spring day in a car with a matt black bonnet.
I'm happy.
'So we plunged into the Cotswolds looking for classic car adventures.
' Now, normally at this point we would do the news! Or maybe we would watch a famous person blatting around our test track in a Vauxhall Astra, but obviously we can't do either of those things, so instead we're going to give you some information.
Yes, the producers told us, after we'd modified our classic cars, that during our journey we would be facing various challenges and that points would be awarded to whoever did best.
However, they also told us that we would lose points for every breakdown we had.
So, you've basically lost already, then? No, rubbish.
Not necessarily, actually.
And that the person who ended up with the most points would get a special prize.
'Eager to show off our newly fettled cars, I came up with an idea.
' The great thing about England at this time of year is that every single village, pretty much every single weekend, hosts some kind of classic car event.
People gather in a field, talk about their adenoids and the "old girl" and I think we should find one and go to it.
'So, we headed immediately for a leafy village in Wiltshire.
' Can you imagine what a classic car show will be like in a village such as this? Old men in flat caps, little children scampering around.
Stalls selling tea towels with Morris Minors on them.
Making your own chutney.
Putting people in the stocks.
All that sort of stuff.
'However' Welcome to Castle Combe for Japfest Japfest? Mitsubishi, Mitsubishi, Mitsubishi, Mitsubishi, Mitsubishi, that's a Mitsubishi.
So it's probably fair to say we've got this slightly wrong.
'Nevertheless, we were among fellow car enthusiasts.
'And once we'd got Hammond properly dressed 'we were treated to a spot of light drifting.
' ~ That's June Whitfield in that one.
~ Is it? David Attenborough, here he is.
He loves a bit of this.
That's a good one.
This'll be good.
Darcey Bussell, she is brilliant.
Go on, Darcey.
~ That's a belter! ~ That was a good one.
What? It's not really that sort of thing, is it? Right.
"Even though your cars aren't technically Japanese" ~ Well, not at all.
~ Mine's completely French.
the organisers here will allow you to do ten laps of the track.
"Points will be awarded for the fastest time.
" We're not going out at the same time as these guys, are we? Not, like, now.
Are we going to have the track to ourselves? No no? ~ Must do.
~ What? No, we'll be out with other enthusiasts of the Japanese car.
That's an idi Why would you do that in a 304 ~ front-wheel drive convertible? ~ Come on, enter into the spirit of it.
'To make sure he wasn't too much of a nuisance on the circuit, 'Captain Sense of Direction had taken some precautions.
' So, down there, that one's tight with a bit of a crest.
Got to watch out for that.
That's reasonably quick.
Got to go slow for that.
'And with that taken care of, we began.
' Now, the chassis in this car, the Fiat 124 Spider, went on to be used later in the Lada Riva.
Oh, yeah.
The engine, though, is an absolute cracker.
This is what my little MG was born to do.
It's a sports car.
Live rear axle, 1.
8 litre B-series engine, pumping out 95 brake horsepower.
That's just enough.
Now, the standard Peugeot 304 had 65 horsepower, but don't worry, viewers, because this is the twin-choke carburetted S-version, and has 74! 'Sadly, however, today, that wasn't enough.
' Yeah, they're all past safely.
'Unfortunately, the man who then overtook Hammond 'didn't manage his move quite so well.
' And he's lost it.
'But then' Oh, a misfire is happening.
Oh, no, I think I am unwell.
'Still, at least I wasn't suffering alone.
' Yeah.
Yeah, you see, ah The oil's been, it's sloshing from side to side as I corner hard.
And some of it has sloshed out now.
And that is sounding a bit, what classic car enthusiasts call "bottom endy".
'Having ruined their cars too, James and Richard came into the pits, 'where the producers revealed our lap times.
' I happen to know that when the Mazda MX5 owners club meet here for a track day, so just ordinary people who are vets and teachers, they lap in 1.
James May.
You're not starting with a 1, are you? Well, hang on.
Not even close to a 1.
It's 2 minutes, 17.
That's big.
Me, 1 minute, 52.
That's under two.
Richard Hammond, 1 minute, 51.
Was that all that was in it? Half a second.
'Keen to find out why we were so slow, the producers told us 'to put our cars on a rolling road 'to see how much horsepower they'd lost over the years.
' James, when it was new What did it used to have when it was new? Here we go.
Here we go.
That's 33% of your total power is gone.
That's quite a lot, isn't it? 'Next, it was the turn of the MGB.
' This is the most powerful when it was new.
Whoa, whoa.
'It didn't go as I'd hoped.
' Your machine's wrong.
'Then it was the Fiat's turn.
' So, 85 is what it did have when it was new.
There it is.
~ Here we go.
~ Higher, higher! Oh, no! ~ Read it and weep! ~ 68.
~ Yeah, but it's still not a big number.
~ 68 horsepower.
You're applauding lawnmower power.
'Sadly, however, the victory was hollow.
' That is not a good sound.
A classic car is like a pet dog.
One day it's going to let you down and die.
'We therefore decided to do something less taxing, 'like going to the pub.
'But that was trickier than it sounded.
' Here's a pub.
What about this? We can go in here.
No, it has an illuminated sign for lager.
Well, of course it sells lager, it's a pub.
Pub coming up on the right.
Is this any good? They're having a cheese and wine evening.
Keep going.
James has very specific requirements about pubs.
He won't go in a pub if it has Sky Sports or if there's a purple dinosaur in the back garden with steps up its back.
Or if there's a sign saying "Children Welcome".
He doesn't like beams, he doesn't like horse brasses.
This may take a while.
James, there's a pub up here.
What's the matter with this one? Er, stickers in the window, flags, and it calls itself a tavern.
That smelt nice.
Pub ahead.
Pub ahead.
Bit Camra.
What's the matter with Camra? You love the Campaign for Real Ale.
Don't like any campaigns.
'In the end, none of the pubs passed muster.
'So we went to our overnight hotel and had a drink there.
' Hi, we would like two pints of bitter, one rose wine, large, a bag of salt and vinegar crisps and biltong.
There's nothing better than your local radio pub orders.
I knew somebody who used to do that.
'That evening, we embarrassed ourselves in a traditional pub quiz.
' Neil, or Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry, and Louis are the five members of which British group? Uh, uh Which song won the Top Gear greatest driving song contest? 'We then totted up the points from the producers' competition 'to see who was on course to win the special prize.
' So, just work it out, so it's minus 20 for a breakdown.
~ Yes.
~ And then ten, five and nought for the So you're ~ Being the fastest.
~ Yeah, around the track, you get ten.
For being the fastest.
So you're on ten.
I'm on five, and then you get nought.
So you're still on minus 60.
So why is it nought? Because you were last.
~ I should get one, then.
~ No, no, no, no 'After much arguing, we worked out that James had lost everything 'and was out of the running, but that Hammond and I were level pegging.
'So, the following morning, we knew that all we had to do 'to win was not break down.
' 'Eventually my B spluttered into life.
'However' Ha-ha! Oh, yes, sounds brilliant(!) Come on! Plea-ea-ease! Yes! 'The producers told us the special prize was waiting 'at another classic car show It's not healthy, I'll be honest.
That's three cylinders.
I'm running on three.
I think it's mm.
Yesterday was a big day for these cars and they've all suffered.
'Soon we arrived at the pretty Cotswold town of Stow-on-the-Wold.
' Many, many classic car enthusiasts come here at a weekend to look at classic furniture and remember how life used to be .
in the olden days.
'While my Fiat cooled down a bit, I bought the other two some presents.
'Richard got a stand for his hat.
'And as for James' James May, can you hear me? Sadly, yes.
What time is it? Er, I don't know, my clock's stopped.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Last Of The Summer Gear.
'We carried on towards the show and shared some truths about our cars.
' MG is still working.
How's the Fiat going? Well, we've got, er, 11 miles to go and all is well back here.
Is it really? How's your down-on power B? Um, it's fine, really fine, good form.
It's not.
Come on, come on, Fiat.
Please, just keep going.
What was that? Oh, my God, what is that? For once, the small guy wins! 'A few minutes later, James and I arrived at the event.
'The Rendcomb Wings and Wheels show.
' .
twists and turns Ooh, there's lots of valuable things not to crash into here.
'The field was crammed with high-end exotics, 'which made our colleague's arrival all the more embarrassing.
' 'With all three of us present, it was time for the prize-giving.
' Congratulations, Richard Hammond.
~ Thank you.
~ You have won.
And as a special prize, you will be appearing in the air show.
'The jammy sod had got himself a ride 'in one of the planes in the display.
'So, while he went off to get ready, James and I consoled ourselves, 'by checking out the exhibits.
' It's lovely, isn't it? It'll be terrible by modern standards, but look at it.
~ It's just fabulous.
~ Very similar to my Fiat.
~ Yes.
(No!) Yeah, I like this.
What, the Daytona? One of the prettiest cars Absolutely lovely.
This is an AC Ace.
This was what Carroll Shelby dropped a V8 in, flared the arches and created the Cobra.
But this was the genesis of it.
Frazer Nash, this is Tiff Needell ~ arriving in the '50s at a party.
~ Oh, yes, in the Frazer Nash.
It was 101 brake horsepower per tonne.
~ That's quite significant.
~ It's pretty good for then.
How much are these now? Mm, pounds, I would've thought.
That's the 250 GTO.
Still just about the most expensive car in the world, isn't it? Most valuable car in the world.
Even standing near that gives me the fizz.
'Meanwhile, I was now ready.
' Oh, dear God.
Why did my car have to work? Why didn't I pick a Fiat? This is about the least happy I've ever been.
And I've been pretty unhappy.
Please, don't come undone.
Please, do not come undone.
Oh [BLEEP!.]
Oh [BLEEP!.]
I got a letter, a letter from your commanding officer today asking me Of course.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Right, that was our experience of classics, and now for something a bit more modern, with cars like these - VW Tiguan, Toyota RAV4.
Manufacturers call them sports utility vehicles.
And experts are predicting that very soon over half of all vehicles sold will be SUVs.
Thing is, the manufacturers are not really selling these cars as cars, which is just as well, really, because they're largely terrible.
No, what they are selling you is a lifestyle.
You buy one of these, pretty soon you'll be doing windsurfing, hot air ballooning, paintballing, nudism, lots of other rugged, healthy, outdoors-y stuff.
Yeah, the trouble is, SUVs, even small ones like these, can cost from around 25 grand.
And that got our producers wondering.
Can you buy into the SUV lifestyle for less? A lot less.
Well, to find out, they gave us each 250 quid.
They told us to go and buy a sporty SUV 4x4 and then report with it to the Rutland Activity Centre for the young at heart.
'This is exactly the sort of place where SUV people spend their weekends.
'And I was the first to arrive.
' Viewers, behold - the Mitsubishi Shogun Pinin.
My passport to the sort of healthy, active lifestyle you would enjoy in a place like this on a day like today.
There's a bit of rust.
There are a few bumps, a few bruises, but that's as it should be because it's an action vehicle.
Mine for just 15,000 pence.
'Then, the Duke of Hammond arrived, in a Jeep Cherokee.
' Good effort, Your Lordship.
~ I'm impressed.
~ Oh, yeah.
Four-litre straight six there.
So, basically this is an Aston Martin DB5.
~ Well, it isn't, mate.
~ I mean, it's got the same engine.
Actually, it's better in many ways.
It's a monocoque, not a separate chassis, so it's more modern.
And, unlike an Aston, it's cheap.
whole 25,000 pence? ~ 250 quid.
~ You're mad.
~ Well, hello, what have you got? This was built by Pininfarina.
~ Built? ~ Yeah.
~ Built by Pininfarina.
~ Built by Pininfarina.
~ Like a Ferrari.
~ And styled by ~ Mitsubishi.
Right, so built by the Italians, styled by the Japanese.
~ That's the perfect combination.
That's exactly what you want.
~ It's perfectly good.
'At this point, we heard 'the unmistakable sound of an approaching orang-utan.
' Hello.
~ Wow.
~ Now, this is no ordinary Vauxhall Frontera.
Well, no, it's the loudest car in the world, is what it is.
~ That's because this is the Sport RS model.
~ Is it? ~ And because it has ~ a hole in the exhaust.
~ The exhaust is blown completely.
But what is genuinely staggering is this cost me Yes A replacement clutch for a Vauxhall Frontera is around about £300-£400.
So I have got here a half-price clutch with an entire car thrown in for free and MOT'd and taxed.
Yeah, but, the entire car is a Vauxhall Frontera.
Yeah, you are left with a What? Look, for 140 quid, I wouldn't care if it said "dog dirt" on the grille.
It pretty much does.
And look what the chap Look in the back.
Oh, a swing-away door so you can't open it in a supermarket or it's Oh, my G! How happy would your dog be? All I can hear is the word "victim".
They're not murderers' cars.
That's for your hang glider.
'Eager to test our incredibly cheap machines, we hit the road.
' Even though this was only £140, the previous owner has thrown in, for free, these air fresheners, which give the cabin the aroma of a hot Turkish urinal.
And there's more.
In the centre cubby hole, I find he's left me a pair of his old sunglasses.
And these earphones, which come with traces of his personalised earwax.
And all of this is in addition to what comes as standard.
Functioning air conditioning, electric windows, air bags, electric door mirrors, two sunshine roofs.
'And the value for money doesn't stop there.
' The scrap value of this car is about, let's say 200 quid.
So, if I crash it, I'll be 60 quid better off.
I can make money by having an accident.
I'll be honest, I was deeply cynical of this whole enterprise.
I just stood up and said, "No way, you can't buy 4x4s for 250 quid.
" And yet, here it is.
It's not perfect.
Rear view mirror is not there.
Head rests have gone.
Other than that, there's air conditioning, very nice stereo, six-CD multichanger, cassette player - nice touch of history.
Loads of speakers.
It's brilliant.
I've got wood.
I actually wrote a review of this car when it was new.
And I remember being very impressed at how good it was off-road.
This has a proper transfer box, high and low range, and differential locks.
It's only 1.
8 litres, but it is quite spritely.
And it's very light.
It's almost 400 kilograms lighter than the other two.
Mind you, it wasn't all good news.
The previous owner did warn me that one of the brake discs was "slightly warped".
What he didn't actually say was that it's, well, it appears to be bent at right angles.
When you brake .
the juddering is appalling.
It really doesn't Cor, blimey! 'Soon we arrived at Top Gear's top secret lifestyle test track 'which is just off Ladyhole Lane, one mile to the west 'of the village of Ellastone.
'At this state-of-the-art facility, 'we headed first to the indoor winter testing centre, 'where we discovered our cars weren't much good on the, um, inclines.
' Up, up the hill! I'm trying to put it in four-wheel drive.
Oh, no! Something's gone wrong.
Come on, no! Why are you going backwards? I can't Ugh! Bollocks.
I can't get it 'We were then told to report to the oval test track, 'where we received a challenge.
' It's a game of tag.
"You each have a different start point on the top secret oval test track.
"And you each begin at once.
"The object is not to be overtaken.
If you are, you're out.
"And to make the test more relevant, you will each have a ballast.
" A ballast? That's what it says, "a ballast".
~ Right, this is the "a ballast".
~ Yeah.
And actually it is relevant.
~ Is it? ~ No, it is.
Because one of the "leisure activities" done by SUV people is going on holiday in a muddy field.
What isn't relevant is the size of my caravan.
~ What do you mean? ~ Why have I been given such an enormous? Look at the size of it.
No, no, the caravan isn't big.
Your car is small.
He he's right.
'Eventually, we stopped bickering and took our start positions on the track, 'where it turned out there was a surprise late entry.
' I know exactly who it is.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is not the Stig.
That is Top Gear's top secret Leisure Stig.
Useless driver.
We use him only for testing caravans.
Three, two, one, go! Here we go.
Testing, testing has begun.
I'm now unleashing the 134 horsepower Vauxhall Vectra engine.
'Sadly, though, Leisure Stig's driving was so slow, 'that soon he was causing a bit of a traffic jam.
' Oh! Why have they given me such a massive caravan? This is hopeless.
'Well, it could be worse.
' I can feel the downforce from my "a ballast", and it's good.
Ohh! I've gone wrong.
It's hopeless.
I've crashed into myself.
I mustn't be overtaken or I'm out.
'Using the power of the mighty Frontera, I caught up with Hammond 'and tried to take him on the inside 'which meant going onto the surface designed to test suspension.
' Oh, this bit's even worse! Total chaos, and I've lost all the ground I made up there.
'Because Leisure Stig was so slow, even James was getting impatient.
' Juddering, buffeting.
Come on, Pinin! 'And violent.
' Oh, yes.
He's losing the wheel.
Massive error by the Stig.
Smoke is pouring off.
Right, this time, Hammond, you're going down! Oh! Oh, no! 'Then Hammond made an error.
' I'm on the rough stuff.
Oh, this is impossibly Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry, Hammond.
We have overtaken you.
You are out.
I think I've lost a wheel now.
Lot of sparks.
It's it's barely controllable, if I'm honest.
Oh, now I, I can see the problem here.
'Meanwhile, my race was going well.
' Yes, I've just done James May.
He's somehow ended up on the infield.
That was a catastrophic mistake.
'But sadly, I overcooked it trying to take Leisure Stig.
' Aaargh! Oh! Lost my brakes completely.
'With 20 laps completed, Leisure Stig had given up.
'Hammond still thought he was in the contest 'and I had a problem.
' Steam coming from the front of the Frontera.
Things are not good in the Vauxhall.
Yes, here we go, I can have him.
Come on! Uh-oh! It's tight, it's tight at the back.
Manoeuvre attempt by Jeremy Clarkson.
Argh! Ah! Ah! He's up the bank.
I think we might have lost sight of the rules of this race slightly.
'The producers had come to the same conclusion.
'So, we were told to abandon the oval test track 'and report to the drag strip, 'where we would see which car could get from nought to 60 'and then back to nought again 'in the shortest possible distance.
' ~ It's a good test, this.
~ Yeah.
~ It is, cos it measures ~ acceleration and braking all in one go.
~ Absolutely.
'Leisure Stig went first to lay down a benchmark.
'And, as he was mid-run, Jeremy noticed something.
' If you don't stop in time Then your day suddenly gets a lot worse.
~ Wetter.
~ Colder.
'Luckily for Leisure Stig, 'the Kia Sportage stopped well short of the pond.
'And once this point had been marked, 'Hammond took his position on the start line.
' I think he's had a bit of a hair transplant.
Just look at the look at his fringe.
Seriously, look at his fringe when he gets out.
You don't have your fringe transplanted, do you? Just well, remember Rooney, when he had that forestation job done? You have a look.
OK, there's no putting this off.
Here we go.
Come on, everything you've got, Jeepie, I need you to get to 60 quick.
Oh, my God.
I'm coming up to the Stig's ~ Oh, my God.
~ On the brakes, that's all I've got.
That's all I've got.
Oh, I can't brake any harder than that.
Did a bit of excrement come out? I had to use all of the brakes, I mean And you hadn't actually started braking before you got to ~ the Stig's stop time? ~ No.
'That was a bit of a worry, 'as Hammond's Jeep was much faster than my wounded Vauxhall.
' Here we go! Yes! It's a flying start from Luton's finest.
Looking good.
There's the Stig's marker.
And there's 60.
Wow! Holy mother of God, that was close! Oh, no.
Do not pretend you've got clean pants, because I know you haven't.
Many poos shot out of my ani.
'I didn't enjoy my near-death experience, 'but in truth, James enjoyed it even less.
' My car is faster than your car.
And its brakes are not bad.
And I very nearly went into the muddy pool of effluent.
Didn't you? ~ My car's very light.
~ Yeah 'Still clutching at straws, I began my run.
' Here we go.
It is a test of acceleration and braking.
~ And he has neither of those things.
~ No, no, he doesn't.
Oh, come on.
Still accelerating.
Still accelerating.
Well, he can't get to 60, can he? Bollocks.
Oh, it's sinking.
~ Well.
he was committed.
~ Help! ~ Yes.
~ He was determined to reach 60.
But he didn't, did he? Ah, God, it's chuffing freezing! ~ You went a bit far.
~ Can we get a flag to mark his position? Don't just stand there, you idiots, it's filling up! James, I've looked at the situation, and there's nothing we can do.
So, with that, back to the studio.
'Except, it wasn't back to the studio.
'Because we were then told to modify our SUVs 'to make them more lifestyle-y and then report to a car park.
'A few days later, with our work completed, 'I was the first to arrive.
' I mean, hello, here it is.
What I've done is bring out the Jeep's innate outdoors-y, American feel.
Up there, roof tent, which is the best thing in the whole world.
Winch, dinghy.
Pretty much everything I need to lead the perfect life.
'At this point, Tubs Clarkson arrived.
' Oh, [BLEEP.]
Wow! I'm not going to tell him, but that looks amazing.
That looks stupid and you didn't fix the exhaust.
Um, you know the Vauxhall badge isn't particularly lifestyle-y? This is now a Pershing sports fishing boat.
Very naval, fishing rods, it's registered in the BVI.
~ Is that an office chair? ~ Yes, it is.
~ Can you fish on land? ~ No.
~ Do the aerials work? ~ No.
~ Can it go in the water? ~ No, but it doesn't What have you done? Just standing here criticising mine.
Well, let me start at the front.
If I shoot a deer, it goes on there.
~ OK.
Have you got a gun with it? ~ No.
~ So, what are you going to shoot the deer with? ~ Throw rocks.
'Whilst Hammond was demonstrating his rear-mounted barbecue, 'our underachieving colleague arrived.
' So he's just done nothing at all and then emptied a skip onto the roof.
~ Flamboyant.
~ That was a handbrake.
~ Nothing works! ~ It didn't work.
~ Bit of warm-up, was that? ~ Yeah.
~ You've written "Turboactive" on it.
These are very good words, "turbo" and "active".
So I combined them to make turboactive.
Is it turbo-charged? No.
It's not, it's not referring to the car, it's referring to the lifestyle.
What I've done is I've anointed the car with every conceivable leisure activity piece of equipment.
Name a leisure activity, it's here.
But look at this.
You've done your leisure activities, whatever those are, and then you work up a sweat.
So you go What do you think? And then ~ But everyone will see your bits.
~ No, you've got a curtain.
~ Want to try it? ~ No.
What's your seat upholstery made from? Wet suits.
What? Old wet suits.
If, for example, you drove in, you know, your car went into some water Which does happen.
Yeah, it does happen.
The seats aren't ruined.
There's one feature I want to show you on my car, if I may.
Obviously I've built a sport fishing boat.
Um, but I've equipped it with some excellent wheels.
Oh, my God.
Don't you think they're the cleverest wheels you've ever seen? ~ No.
I think they're really terrible.
~ What's the matter with them? "Yes, certainly, Reverend, I'll give you a lift.
Hop in.
" 'Proud of our leisure lifestyle vehicles, 'we decided to go and do some leisure lifestyle.
' People are no longer looking at this saying, "Oh, look, there's a man in a £140 Vauxhall.
" They're now saying, "Oh, look, there's the hero from a Wilbur Smith book.
"The man whose back ripples like a sack of pythons.
" I'm wondering what sort of a man would want to buy Hammond's car and I'm thinking it's the sort of man whose IQ begins with a decimal point.
I could drive off there now into those woods.
I've got a tent.
I've got my home on the roof.
I can hide from bears up there.
I could cook a bear on my barbecue or carry a bear on my bonnet.
I could probably survive for weeks, months, years with this car, out there in the wilderness.
That man's taken a photograph of us.
He's going to show it to his friends and say, "Look what I saw.
"Some utterly [BLEEP.]
" 'Soon we arrived at a cold British pond, 'and immediately took to the water in some leisure craft.
' James May is doing leisure! Hey, this is leisurely! 'But, as it turned out, doing leisure proved to be quite stressful.
' No, no, no, no, other way.
Other way, you [BLEEP!.]
Jesus wept! Hammond, I'm going a million! I don't like it! This stupid thing's got a mind Ow! of its own! Arrgh! 'Still, could be worse.
' No.
'As I fought off attacks from my Hobie Cat' No! '.
I noticed something.
' Hey, look.
That's one of the producers.
Has he got a gold? He's got a gold envelope, look.
'And since I was the only one who was moving '.
I went to see what was what.
' Oh, no, Thomas Crown Affair's going in and going in hard! Oh, now it's going all choppy and that's worse.
I hate this! ~ Guys! ~ What? There's a challenge.
What is it? "Many people who buy sport utility vehicles imagine "they're more safe and robust than normal cars.
"You will now find which one of you has the safest "and most robust car by rolling them down a cliff.
" 'Annoyingly, that wasn't a misprint.
' Oh, hang on, look.
Holy moley! God's teeth! ~ That's a drop, isn't it? ~ Isn't it? Can I suggest we should probably put our seat belts on for this? I was just thinking, I'd like a harness.
You know we're not going to be IN the cars? I knew that.
This is a test of the car's robustness and safety.
~ Can I just say ~ That's good.
I thought it was death.
I really like my car and I don't want to do that to it.
Well, no, this is the thing.
Working on this programme is a bit like doing a jigsaw.
You spend ages and ages and ages doing something, you go, "Yes, that's brilliant, now I'm going to smash it up and put it in a box.
" Yeah, that's what's happening today, cos I'm really pleased with that.
'And sadly, that was first to go.
' Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! ~ No, it's fine, it's fine.
~ Is it going to be OK? ~ It's OK.
~ It's all right.
~ It is OK.
~ It is all right, look at that.
It's fine.
It's fine, the wheels are still on, which is unusual for a car of yours.
It's quite nice to see the underside.
It's in good nick, that.
Look at that cross member in the chassis.
Hey, you need a new rear exhaust silencer.
'Next, it was the turn of the Turboactive.
' What if mine hits yours on the way down? You get points for that, don't you? Like a snooker thing.
Here we go, here we go.
No, no! Oh! Oh, no, that's less good.
Turns out the bicycles are a big safety feature.
~ They are.
~ Cos they stopped it rolling.
That's an interesting point.
If you have a bicycle on the roof You can't roll.
Better putting it on the roof than riding it.
'Finally, it was the turn of the Pershing Frontera.
' You can't roll a Frontera.
It's very famous for that.
I'm not sure, but I think you may be about to discover that you can.
~ Watch, it won't roll.
This is ~ Oh, ho-ho, ho-ho.
There you go.
Oh, it is doing a bit.
~ Yeah, it really is.
~ Oh, dear.
Oh, it's still going.
~ Oh, that's very good.
~ What it's doing is still rolling.
That's dramatic.
Oh, and it's gone right off the edge, ohhh! Mine is the only one that's completed the journey.
You don't get extra points for getting ~ further down the cliff, you don't.
~ You do! 'Amazingly, the £140 Frontera still looked like a car.
'And even more amazingly' Yes, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
That's passed.
That is genuinely Surprisingly well! That is not bad.
'Better still, it was able to haul the Jeep off the cliff.
' Yes! There you go.
I thank you.
'But sadly, James's Turboactive Pinin was just too far away.
' Onwards! 'So we left him behind.
' 'Eventually, though, we were all reunited in Yorkshire, 'where we'd been told to report for one final challenge.
' Why are we on a grouse moor in dinner jackets? I've no idea.
And why are you getting out of your passenger door? Well, that side's a bit bent, I can't open that door.
You Oh, hello.
Now we can discover why we're dressed like this.
Right "Now you must test your cars' rough terrain abilities.
"Tonight, the North Yorkshire Carbon Management and Sustainability Trust "are holding their annual conference "and dinner at Broughton Hall, five miles from here.
"You must drive there without using any roads.
" Um Oh, God.
What? "The last to arrive will be doing the after-dinner speech.
" This matters.
~ This is bad.
~ This matters a lot.
I'm not losing this.
Where's Broughton Hall? This is what I do - maps, countryside, 4x4s.
That's east There's Broughton Hall.
Oh, please God, no.
I hate after-dinner speaking.
I hate it with such a passion.
I have done a couple of after-dinner speeches.
On both occasions I thought, "I'm going to be brilliant, I'm going to knock 'em dead.
" On both occasions I died on my arse.
'I too trembled at the thought of after-dinner speaking, 'and I had another issue.
' I know I'm out of my element here, viewers.
I live in Hammersmith, this is the countryside, I don't really like it.
Don't know what it's for or what you're supposed to do with it.
OK, sit rep.
The, er, roll down the bank has caused a little bit of damage.
The windscreen and side window are both now plastic, but the mighty Vauxhall Vectra engine is working well.
Come on, grippy penis wheels.
'In the Pinin, my ignorance of country ways had already got me in bother.
' Hang on a minute.
I'm stuck in a sheep pen.
You mustn't worry sheep, I know that, otherwise the farmer comes and shoots at you.
'I, meanwhile, was totally in my element.
' Yes.
Oh, well done, Jeepie! This thing is actually brilliant off-road.
Minimal revs, just let the torque do it.
This is where Jeremy's going to go horribly wrong.
Power is not necessarily the solution here.
Power! Come on, speed! Oh, dear, no.
And that's Oh, come on! Now I'm in very big trouble here.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not saying my mother-in-law's fat but she is sustainable.
I can't do after-dinner speaking! Cocking Nora, I'm in another pen.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a pen full of sheep.
Gate, that's a gate.
Bollocks! 'Having been pulled free by a friendly country type' Yes, yes.
I set off again having not learned my lesson.
' Speed through the muddy bit.
No, no, no, no, this is bad! Aargh! Aaargh! I've gone in a tree.
A tree is happening.
'Still, could be worse.
' Don't touch the brakes.
I can't help it, I'm touching the brake.
Oh! Ow! Oh, no, I can't stop now.
Ah! Oh, don't go down there, don't go down there! Not good.
There you go.
Oh, yeah.
Yah, ha-ha! 'All three of us had been on the move for two hours 'and none of us was much closer to our destination.
'However, I'd managed to find a promising-looking track.
' It doesn't go all the way to the hall but it will get me a mile or so.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, your guest speaker is James May! Speed! Power Wait, yes, that's that's it, it's all over now.
'Meanwhile, back in the sheep pens' I've already been here! 'Having solved my visibility issues' Yes! Behold the strength of the man.
I was back on the move.
' Oh, God, it's cold.
I'm 54, why am I doing this? Arrgh! Don't want that.
'In the Jeep, my countryside skills had paid off.
' Hang on a minute.
That's it.
That's where I'm going.
This is it.
There it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, your speaker for this evening will not be Richard Hammond, because he won the race.
Ah Ah.
Oh, yeah! Wrong place.
Oh, God! 'I, meanwhile, wasn't at the wrong place.
' And there it is, Broughton Hall.
My quest is at an end.
There's a bridge across the river.
Excellent news.
Oh, no.
Yes, look, in here, there's an exit.
That's what it's for, look, that's what it's for.
That's a ford in my mind.
'Having waterproofed my car for the perilous river crossing, 'I waded in.
' Yes.
I have designed this to be a boat and it's going to be one.
Arrgh! Please don't do that! 'Meanwhile, James was still stuck in a sheep pen.
'Really stuck.
' No, no, no, no, no! Right, hang on, hang on, hang on.
I can do [BLEEP!.]
'Up at the hall, 'the guests were starting to arrive.
' Let's just try that.
hell! That was the bit of the map I needed! It's slippery.
This is the right way.
I think this is the right way.
I don't want to have to do the speech.
I don't want to do the speech.
What was it again? Sustainability and carbon something.
I mean, they're not going to want to hear about my Mustang, are they? No-o-o! 'In the Frontera, things still weren't going well.
' You bastard! 'But I had at least found a way to stay warm.
' Ah Oh, yeah.
I can't imagine that a urine-soaked pair of trousers is going to put the audience off, because look 'Meanwhile, a long way downstream' Oh, oh, that's deeper than I expected.
Yeah! Oh, no.
Kill me.
Just kill me.
Bad! Bad! Deep m Oh, deep mud! Oh, God, I've lost a shoe! Oh, no! No shoe Cold! Oh! Oh! No, no.
Oh, God! ~ 'With Jeremy and I bogged down' ~ No-o! '.
James was on the move again, 'and bringing himself into contention.
' Oh, yes.
Oh, this farm track is the most beautiful road I've ever seen.
I might, I might get out of this yet.
Come on, no! Don't.
I hate working on Top Gear! 'In the Jeep, I was finally free, and back in the running.
' It's not over yet.
Going to go just over this crest and there it will be.
Ladies and gentlemen, your host for this evening, from BBC's Top Gear, it's Richard Hammond/Jeremy Clarkson.
'Not if I had anything to do with it.
' Come on, Vauxhall! Come on, £140 Vaux well, £70 Vauxhall now.
Engine warning lights are on.
It doesn't have to live for more than another ten minutes or so.
It just has to get me there before one of the other two.
Please! Move! Yeah, ha-ha! Not now! Not so close! Please! I beg of you! Mercy! Come on, little car, you've got about half a mile to go.
Come on, come on, keep moving.
Here I am, I've made it to Broughton Hall.
Is James here, is Richard here? I can't see their cars.
Oh, yes! Thank you, God! Thank you, Vauxhall! Oh, God, I'm going to end up doing the speech! Oh, yes! That is, ladies and gentlemen, the home straight.
This is it, there it is.
Please, please, please.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sorry about the wait this evening.
Thank you so much for your patience.
It gives me great pleasure, your guest speaker tonight is .
Mr Richard Hammond! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Um, Carbon Management and Sustainability Trust.
I am often asked, "What's your favourite car, Richard?" And it's a Land Rover.
But that you see, land, because, you it's it's primarily the environment with which you are involved.
Um, I'm actually wearing quite a lot of the environment this evening.
Um Isn't Jeremy fat? Sorry, sir, I don't mean That's not necessarily bad, obviously.
Um, some people just are.
Um Well, you know what? Actually, that sounded like one of your more successful after-dinner speeches.
Do you know, it was! Nobody even threw crockery for another minute.
Anyway, we hope you enjoyed those films and all that remains now is for us to say thank you for watching.
Yes, absolutely, thank you very much for watching, and, well, goodbye.