Top Gear (2002) s22e82 Episode Script

From A to Z (Part 2)

1 LOUD EXPLOSION Hello, I'm John Bishop.
Welcome to Part Two of our Top Gear A-Z.
- Bigger than I was expecting, constable.
- Yes, sir, it was, sir.
It was wild Sunlight! It's gone again.
pushing the limits and taking the corners on two wheels.
It was romantic.
It was barmy Argh! It's been sick on me! I'm covered in Argh! and above all, it was fun.
HE COUGHS So let's get ourselves back in the Top Gear mood.
I think we need a montage.
BRAKES SCREECH - Attack monkey! - Aah! GEARS GRIND Ha-ha The three guys presenting are lunatics.
- Do you want the heater on? - Shut up.
Schoolboys just creating chaos wherever they go.
Just run.
Top Gear is about fun, experimenting, pushing the boundaries and showing people things they don't expect.
- GUNFIRE - Aah! Help me! We all like to see those boys get into trouble.
That's what kept them going for so long.
- Is this safe? - HE SHOUTS - There is a magic to it.
- It's kind of indefinable.
You pair of utter pillocks.
Pretty much sums the show up.
Something disastrous is about to happen.
THEY LAUGH I wonder how much more of this I have to endure before I can admit that this is a terrible car and I hate it and I want to go home.
Top Gear has never influenced me in my choice of car once.
Not one iota.
Hm CLUNKING BLEEP We have made something truly wonderful.
LOUD BANG METAL CLINKS One thing Top Gear was never short of was opinions.
WHISPERING: They are the funniest creatures on earth, aren't they? Why are they so funny? This one's been to the Daktari shop in Florida, hasn't he? And if you were unfortunate enough to be one of this lot, you were guaranteed to get their attention.
I don't know why, but American tourists I know you're watching, America.
- We're not saying you're all like this.
- No.
- But when you travel you're hysterical.
- You're ridiculous.
I was a bit uneasy about that particular bit of mickey taking, BUT the problem is, and this is the problem with Clarkson et al, that it's funny.
Sadly, the Americans departed, leaving us with nothing to look at except some hippos.
Jeremy's attitude to America is classically British, isn't it? Everybody's very fat.
Everybody's very stupid, and everybody's very rude.
And it's deliberately provocative.
- What the hell accent is that? - LAUGHTER American.
- You're American? - Um You can't be.
You're nowhere near fat enough.
LAUGHTER God, Florida's awful.
Nasty insects, old people, fat people, a lot of people who all offer you cheese.
AMERICAN ACCENT: "You want cheese with that? You want cheese?" And then shoot you.
See this here, look? He's turning right on a red light.
That is America's only contribution to Western civilisation.
It would be powered on the real version, obviously.
It would be.
Americans might lose weight if they had to do something for themselves.
This is 600 pounds, and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate.
It also says it has a completely flat belly, the only thing in America that has.
But in 2007, they almost took the Yank-beating too far.
They headed to the deepest part of the Deep South and turned themselves into moving targets.
It says here, we must not be shot or arrested as we drive across the proud state of Alabama, but we will get bonus points if we can get one of the others shot or arrested.
"You will decorate one another's cars in such a way to draw maximum attention to yourself in this Bible-bashing, redneck, deeply Christian part of the Union.
" The South, the South It's Christian, short hair, they don't like Communists What is closest to their heart? I've got to get him killed.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
I'd be letting you down, me down, everybody down.
HE CHUCKLES I've been touring America since 1971 and you're going, "No.
Don't really, don't do that.
" And I am amazed that somebody didn't blast them with some I am stunned.
Three religions down here.
George Bush, God, country and western, in that order, ascending order.
I'll be honest.
I have felt less conspicuous than this.
To understand what Jeremy has actually done to my car, you have to remember that this is deep Republican territory.
That woman is the arch-Democrat.
She's the Antichrist.
- HORN HONKS - Ooh No! No! - HORN BLARES - Oh HORN TOOTS They made a huge effort to attract the attention of the more stupid people in Alabama.
And then Jeremy has written on the boot, "NASCAR sucks.
" Now, that's a type of saloon car racing that is very, very big in this part of the world.
To say it sucks is a bit like going up and punching somebody's sainted mother.
Well, they're talking about OUR racing, they're talking about NASCAR, they're talking about our great drivers.
They're insulting it.
That's an insult.
It wasn't by accident all that happened.
It was provocative.
That was Top Gear's role.
BULLETS PING They've shot their own sign.
What are they going to do to us? LAUGHING NERVOUSLY: OK Just, um That's diesel.
That's Hillary for President.
That's not going down well.
This lady was cross, but not as cross as the garage's owner.
- I'll ask you! - He went into my car Are y'all gay looking to see how long it takes to get beat up in a hick town? I'm not gay.
I'm married.
I've got three children.
Um, no, we're not.
We've just sort of decorated our cars in a distinctive manner.
"NASCAR sucks," "Country and western is rubbish.
" - Guess what, you're in a hick town, man.
- We're going to die now.
- That's it.
- Don't you dare (BLEEP)! She said she was going to get "the boys", so we decided to scarper.
I've just remembered I've actually got loads of petrol.
And then, of all the moments Oi! Jump leads.
- You're joking! - Jump leads.
Not now! This is going to be the quickest jump in history.
You get the leads, I'll start it.
Tell your friend, if he tears up my parking lot again The rednecks arrived.
We've just got a slight problem here.
BLEEP MEN SHOU This is bad.
Then they turned on the film crews.
- (BLEEP) Hey! If he tears up this car park ! - Quick! ENGINE STARTS MEN SHOUT: Get out of here! I'm telling you now! Rocks started pelting our vans.
- ROCKS BANG - Get out of here! What's happening? BLEEP ENGINE STARTS RADIO: We need to get these slogans off, lads.
Pull over, pull over.
Get the other side.
We've got nothing to wipe it off with now.
In fairness, it wasn't just the Americans who came in for some Top Gear stick.
They sprayed their score around freely, including Sometimes though Top Gear really was all about the cars, and quite a lot of it was about this one: the Bugatti Veyron.
The Bugatti Veyron is the world's greatest road car.
It's absolutely mind-blowingly fast.
It doesn't feel like this crazy, inhumane supercar.
It just feels like a Golf.
You think, "Anybody could my two-and-a-half-year-old boy could drive this.
" It's so easy to drive.
And then you just go past that first inch on the throttle and you hear, "Ss-ss-ss-ss", and that's the four turbos lighting up in the back.
And when they kick in, oh, it's a roar, and it really goes.
Yes, the 1,000-horsepower legend is back and, if I'm honest, I'm a bit nervous.
Not because of the car itself but because of the burden that now rests on my shoulders.
Cos when Jeremy drove the Veyron, all he had to beat was an incompetent James in a useless little aeroplane.
Captain Slow is up there in his washing machine.
I will not be beaten by a washing machine.
Then, when James went to Germany and maxed it, the car didn't even break sweat.
Come on, I need one more, one more! Come on! Come on! Yes! But this time, The Veyron's honour really is at stake because never before has it gone up against something like this.
The most modern, the most hi-tech strike fighter on the planet - the Eurofighter Typhoon.
Faced with the clear and present danger of the Eurofighter, the Bugatti Veyron really is the car world's best shot at clinging to some honour.
And no-one knows what the outcome will be.
You couldn't do it yourself and that's what you want to watch, something that would only happen inside your imagination with a car.
This is it.
RADIO: Stand by, one.
Give me 20 seconds.
And here's the challenge.
It's a horizontal versus vertical drag race over two miles.
LOUD BANG We are away! That was pure racing.
That was absolutely flat out.
We're neck and neck! I'm getting away! I can't believe I'm looking Whoa! I can feel the wash from the jets! And there it goes! So I'm fighting for the Germans in a battle against the RAF.
If you're watching thinking, "This is cool," it is.
That's as late as I dare.
This is where it's won or lost.
I was watching the TV going, "Come on! Go round the corner faster! "Get back on it earlier!" I'm on the return mile now.
This is the best race in history! I was doing 196mph, but was it enough? "Come on, you want to win!" I must still be ahead.
I can't see the plane! No! No! But, still, it was an awesome race.
I suspect I may get some abuse for this.
This is the P45.
It was Jeremy's home-made effort at building the world's smallest car.
Yes, look at this.
Look at this very brilliant - LOUD CLUNK - Oh! Oh, my God! If you're watching this in the edit, make sure that doesn't go on TV.
I don't want people thinking it's a deathtrap.
- CLUNKING - (HE GROANS) It happened again! Edit that out, as well! The P45 was an attempt to go one smaller than this, the P50, which, in 2007, Jeremy drove into the office, literally.
I remember peeking my head out one of the windows and seeing Jeremy driving the P50 round and round and just thinking, "Well, that's standard for round here.
" I've worked at the BBC for 20 years and I still don't know where I'm going.
Do you remember John Noakes, Peter Purves from Blue Peter? They're in here somewhere, lost.
Hello? Can anyone help? Thanks.
Which department is this? - BBC NEWS THEME MUSIC PLAYS - I'm really lost now.
Police have held talks with government ministers about how to handle the number of claims that have resulted from last month's floods.
The total bill is estimated at about £1.
5 billion.
Who's got the car? I appear for about 20 seconds or whatever it was Who's stolen the car? and I'm a hero in my own household for the first time.
My son says, "Why are you on ? Why didn't you tell me? Wow, wow, wow.
" Whoa! Oh, Clarkson, you've met your match here, mate.
Please don't just steal our things.
Do you mind? Thanks very much indeed.
Jolly nice of you.
For those few moments, I hugely envied Clarkson.
I mean, what a way to make a living, doing things that make people look at you and go, "Oh, look at that!" Great.
Soon I was summoned to an important BBC meeting.
I believe we've already made significant inroads into the implementation of an open and inclusive policy for the ethnocentrically homogenous objectives of this department.
In actual fact, that looked like a pilot for what came subsequently in W1A.
and minimising our carbon footprint through the functional usage But there was Jeremy Clarkson doing it four, five, six years before W1A came along.
I hope that in this session we can discuss and address Sadly, the meeting went on for so long that there was no time left in the day for any programme making.
That could happen in the BBC.
What do you mean COULD happen? It DOES happen in the BBC.
I really do think that today I have seen the future and it comes from 1963.
This Peel P50 really is absolutely brilliant.
If it had a reverse gear, I would describe it as the absolute ultimate, really, of personal mobility.
I can't That's Dermot Murnaghan! Oi! I'm not sure he entirely expected it.
He didn't know about it, so they gave me a rehearse with the car.
Murnaghan! Of course, I hadn't allowed for the fact that 6ft 5-inch Clarkson's getting in the car, as well, plus his, ahem, let's say slightly upholstered tummy.
I remember lifting it up thinking, "Oh, my God! - My back is going to go.
" - Murnaghan! Ugh! Thanks.
- Thanks for that.
- HORNS HONK I tell you something else, his name's not "Moighnahan".
Not a lot of people know this but Jeremy Clarkson has a superpower.
As a child, he was bitten by a radioactive metaphor, and since then he's been able to come up with descriptions that mere mortals like us can only dream of.
They've even lined this cubbyhole and the glove box, as you can see, with purple velvet.
That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt and finding she's wearing a thong.
Top Gear has its own language and Jeremy in particular has his own way of speaking, with wonderful little asides, and it's the little asides that make his reviews and what he does.
Really, it's like driving a car that has chlamydia.
There are no symptoms, but you know it's there and that sort of spoils the relationship a bit.
It sounds like the God of Thunder.
- CAR SCREECHES - Gargling with nails.
When you put your foot down ENGINE ROARS its arse just goes volcanic! Last time I had this much fun, some furniture got broken.
It's the next equivalent to a cooking programme.
You can't smell the food or taste it, so you are so reliant on them so you go, "Well, actually, I can taste it.
" And that's what Jeremy has to do when he's reviewing a car, and he does that absolutely brilliantly.
And I know it's daft and pointless but so is a tequila slammer.
It doesn't stop you enjoying one from time to time though, does it? In essence then, this is a prawn and avocado sandwich.
This is the full Sunday roast, this one.
He's not frightened to say what he sees, what he hears or what he feels.
The results are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel in your underpants.
It's a cat Ooh.
gone feral.
It's as stupid and as wonderful as owning a pet elephant.
When Jeremy Clarkson gets behind the wheel of a car that he likes and goes off on one about it With all this wood everywhere, it's like driving along in Arthur Negus.
You realise that actually he started life as a motoring journalist, and probably the best that there is.
And I'm sorry but red brake callipers on a Jag? That's like fitting Camilla Parker Bowles with a vajazzle and rings.
I'm saying this out loud, aren't I? It's a bit like Jordan.
I can see why they did it, bit of a laugh, but I think they've gone too far.
I think it's all just a bit too silly.
Oh, damn it.
OK, that's enough chat.
Here's some slapstick.
Here we go.
Reliant Robin.
Oh! Oh, no.
I've crashed it.
I've crashed it almost immediately.
Ohhh! Help! Oh, not again! Oh, God.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, look at the pitch.
That's marvellous, thank you.
Oh, yes, that's comfortable.
Thank you very much.
This Dickie Bird MBE out of cricket umpiring here is not pleased.
We have a cricket match on here.
RADIO: We call this thing The Stig.
We don't know its name.
We really don't know its name.
No-one knows its name, and we don't want to know cos it's a racing driver and racing drivers have tiny little brains and therefore worthless opinions, and they're very dull.
Doctors actually call it Mansell Syndrome.
Some say he never blinks and that he roams around the woods at night, foraging for wolves.
He sleeps upside down like a bat.
When he slows down, brake lights come on in his buttocks.
His earwax tastes like Turkish delight.
He's married to one of Princess Anne's hats.
He was arrested for goosing Russell Brand.
He has to take his shoes off with an Allen key.
He once punched a horse to the ground.
Some say that we have at least thought of a new way of introducing him, - but we haven't.
- LAUGHTER It's The Stig! TYRES SQUEAL The Stig could drive.
He drove a car like a car should be driven.
- Wow! - With precision There were so many rumours about who The Stig was, and there was a general impression that there was more than one Stig.
Well, I don't know.
They all looked like Darth Vader's love child.
CHEERING It's a bit like meeting a white Power Ranger cos no-one knows who he is.
I think that's what works about him, it's just the mystery.
It's just, "Who is behind the mask?".
I'm not The Stig, OK? Even if I was The Stig, I couldn't say.
Because I'm not.
- 1.
- No way! - I am not joking.
- Wow! The Stig is a cultural icon.
Not a very talkative man, but with an incredible aura.
I had absolutely no idea who The Stig was.
He had the full suit, the helmet on, and I had been warned that when I speak to him, he probably won't speak to me when there's other people in earshot.
So, obviously I went up, said, "Hello, it's lovely to meet you.
" Nothing back.
And he didn't take his helmet off at lunch.
How he rammed in the chips through that hole, I don't know.
A big part of me wants to go, "Take your bloody helmet off!" I want to see who the person is in there, and it's like You don't see.
Absolutely not.
He's there in the helmet being all enigmatic Yeah! Don't touch him! You become obsessed with things like his smell cos it's all you've got to go on.
So, I'm in the car going SHE SNIFFS "Oh, Stig, you smell good.
" TV screens.
Mercedes has TV in the front.
BMW I know the answer to this.
It's got two, hasn't it? Front and rear, so you win that pair.
Right, BHP.
I imagine The Stig probably has shark's eyes, those kind of dead eyes.
There was lots we didn't know about The Stig, but for a man of mystery he certainly had a lot of cousins.
He's not The Stig, but he is The Stig's vegetarian cousin.
All the leaves are brown All the leaves are brown And the sky is grey The Stig's teenage cousin.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS It was now the Aussies' turn, so they unpacked their Stig.
The Stig's African cousin! The Stig's American cousin! Ooh! He's The Stig's Chinese cousin.
COMEDIC THWACKING Now, I should explain, driving is his second favourite thing.
- What's his first favourite thing? - Attacking people.
He does it a lot.
He's constantly Why are you doing that? Why don't you go and do some driving? Do some Go - Get into the Stop attacking us.
- Ugh.
Get in the car.
No, HE'S got to get in the car.
- Get in the car.
- Trumpchi, Trumpchi.
Get in the Trumpchi.
No, that's the director.
That is the director.
What if I start the engine? Would that do it? Come on.
Come on, in you go.
They bow, don't they? - Go in.
Get in.
Oh, yes.
- Get in.
That's the worst Stig we've ever had.
The budget for cars on Top Gear was astronomical until it came to the guests, who were lucky if they got a three-year-old Punto.
Which way? Shall I go in headfirst? But we did get to do a lap with The Stig.
And to drive like absolute maniacs.
- Oh, my God! Yeah! - Yes! - The wheel - Crash! I was beside myself because I love speed, I love driving, and to get on a track with The Stig was beyond exciting.
It was an amazing experience, actually, to have The Stig give you any kind of lesson, to show you round a track, is a huge honour, a huge privilege.
So he takes you round the first time gently and he's talking you through it and then the second time he goes at speed, which I loved! I think The Stig took me around maybe twice and then was like, "Right, why don't you have a go?" I couldn't believe it.
It's pretty hairy when he sits in the passenger seat and you've got to drive because you know this is a professional driver.
Come on, my son! He knows how to teach as well as drive himself.
It was quite cool, he gave me a lot of pointers that I've used on the roads, obviously within a limit.
And then you have a few goes and they time some of them.
I don't know which ones they don't time and which ones they do.
You have to just go for it.
If you wipe-out, so what? No-one's going to see that.
You know when you spin off and you know you think - the cameras weren't filming you? - Yes, they were.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah, they were.
Let's have a look.
Ooh, yep.
I took my lap pretty seriously.
I am very competitive but not in a way that I'll be upset if I do badly.
BLEEP And then off we went REALLY fast in this poxy little car.
There are we go in the first First corner, that one.
I remember it distinctly going through my mind, "What's my damage limitation? Can I make a funny fallback or should I roll the car?" And you never change your expression! And here we go again on the second-to-last corner again.
Look at that! Just not bothered! It was very exciting and I am hugely competitive when it comes to driving.
SHE SCREAMS LAUGHTER It wasn't completely smooth out there in your practice, was it? Yeah, I took it really seriously.
I really went for it.
Very good! When I'm going round, I'm kind of giving the impression that I don't mind and I don't care where you come but underneath it all, you do.
Now, when our guest tonight first came here, he was so spectacular CHEERING we named a corner in his honour.
Good to see you again.
Have a seat.
Michael Gambon is here! You've got the very sharp Gambon turn, which is very tight, and at the finish.
- So, where are we going? - Whoa! It's the Tom Cruise line! There we are across the line.
It's going to be ! Oh, my God! Finished! Well done! Aaaah! I've never seen anyone so aggressive.
Ever! HE CHEERS WHEELS SCREECH Big wheel spin.
Because I was concentrating so much, I was just like that So they kind of said, "Look, Jods, this is a TV show.
Can you say something or do something?" So they sent me round again that was not timed, so that was where I was pretending I was all I was like, "This is so weird.
" SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE Aah! - You want to beat JK? - Yes.
- You did.
- No! I wasn't expecting anything.
I certainly wasn't expecting to go to the top of the board.
But, yeah, I was truly amazed.
Ellen, this is impressive, I've got to be honest.
Look at that! Tongue's come out.
Did you lift off there? Ooh! Oh, this is a bit wide but quick, you've got to be honest, and there we are across the line, everybody! APPLAUSE You did it in 1 minute - 46 - CROWD GASP point 7.
You've done it! I was absolutely gobsmacked and I just felt I hadn't done it, I hadn't done as well as I could, so when I got to the top, I was really, really surprised.
- CHEERING - You are a star! You beat Jimmy Carr! In series 16, I got to have a go, but by then there was this little fellow at the top of the leaderboard.
Get a load of that, Stiggy boy! Flat out through the tyres, as well.
And then we went into Gambon, round there and there we are, everyone, across the line.
John Bishop One minute forty - two - CROWD CHEER That's put an Englishman back on top.
There's much to talk about there.
Tom Cruise, my arse.
One thing Top Gear always did was push things to the limit and beyond.
If they ran out of racetrack, they'd go on the road.
- If they ran out of road - There's no track! - .
they'd go off-road.
- Aah! And if they ran out of land, they'd just go in the water, as they did in this challenge from 2006.
The result I'll let Jeremy explain.
If we're honest, it didn't go all that well.
James' Herald was pretty good on the water, but then there were some problems on land.
Oh, cock.
Richard's Dampervan was rubbish on the land and then even more rubbish in the water.
It's going! My Toyboata, on the other hand, was brilliant everywhere, right up to the moment when it, um, rolled over.
- ENGINE SPLUTTERS - Richard - Richard! - RICHARD LAUGHS At one point you actually think, "This could be quite dangerous.
" When you see Jeremy in the corner and Richard, you think the car's going to seriously damage them both.
- STEAM HISSES - Oh (BLEEP)! ENGINE SPLUTTERS That's pretty cold! RICHARD LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY Because that went so well, a few years later they had another go, but this time it was more ambitious, more rubbish and sort of wonderful.
That should give me more, um Um Um - Stability! - Yes, that.
What you've done there, mate, is you've parked a van on top of a boat.
No, no, no, it's brilliant, let me tell you! I always enjoyed the challenges when it's doomed from the start.
It's like a comedy, it really is.
You know it's going to go wrong.
This is where the girls go, up here.
- Now, Richard - In bikinis.
I'm already seeing the problem.
Would you like to step down? Yes.
- Stand at the wheel.
- Yes.
Look ahead.
Yeah, that is an issue.
- I didn't discover it until - JEREMY LAUGHS I need a box.
They all try and become so competitive and want to outdo each other all the time, and that's what you get on Top Gear.
Now I have a collapsible mast.
Oh, timber! - SMASHING - Oh, it's the lamp! Um - So, would you admit that your design is already flawed? - No.
METAL CLUNKS Ultimately, people enjoy it, the people who are on it and the people who are watching it, when things go wrong, when things just fail terribly.
HE COUGHS JEREMY LAUGHS Hammond is being killed and mine is Well, it's hard to know, is that smoke? They've hit the perfect balance between car show and entertainment show.
I think if you are into cars then there's loads there for you, but if you're not into cars, as well, it's just really entertaining.
- How's your engine? - Ruined.
Every single thing we do They're all incredibly ambitious, very entertaining and utterly pointless most of the time and so I think any challenge that when you think about when they came up with it in the room, people just laughed uproariously at the sheer idiocy of coming up with that in the first place, and then thought, "But I'd love to see it.
" That's a typical Top Gear challenge.
Let's go! The whole challenge is, can you make a car and could you take it across to France? This is absolutely brilliant! You just know before it even starts that they're just not going to make it.
I'm actually using my weight to counter the roll of the craft.
And it's the interpretation of the challenge in three very different ways that mirrors the personality of the individuals involved.
You can't see what's coming! I can! I can just see sky, sea, sky, sea! JEREMY LAUGHS Whoa! My, God, this is big now! Why the bloody hell won't it turn round? Ow.
Mayday! There's a part of it that's just all wrong, just shouldn't happen, you just can't do that.
They really push the boundaries of what's possible with a car.
I'm disappointed.
I thought we were going to make it.
Oh, sorry, mate, the cup sank.
How they passed any kind of Health and Safety rigour You'd actually say, "Wow.
" A couple of years ago, Richard Branson set a record for crossing the Channel in an amphibious car.
1 hour, 40 minutes, 6 seconds.
What, shall we go for it? - We'll give it a shot? - We'll be in Calais for lunch.
Beardy, you're going down! And then all of a sudden, you see a little ray of light and this vehicle, basically, going across the Channel.
France! We can see France from a pick-up truck! THEY SHOU RADIO: This is the UK Aircraft.
Please state your intentions, please.
Our intentions are to go across the Channel faster than Beardy Branson.
RADIO: In that case, I wish you good luck and bon voyage.
The Channel has massive supertankers and ships going from right to left and left to right all the time, and they have big waves behind them, so it's pretty challenging crossing the Channel in anything.
Even to take some boats across would be a challenge, let alone an amphibious vehicle.
- Bloody hell.
- What do we do now? We can't remember whose right of way it is.
Oh, God, no! - I'm thinking I'll maybe go behind it.
- Yeah, I'd go behind it.
Yeah, yeah.
I think behind is best.
We turned our attention back to Branson's record.
Ready? 1 hour, 40 minutes, coming up now! - We've failed! - We lost! Now it was just a question of seeing if we could make it.
But with eight miles to go, it started to get choppy.
We're going down, boys! No! It's pouring in.
Oh, my God, look in there now.
I don't like that! We're in big trouble! I don't like this! I'm getting a bit bored with sinking, frankly.
Mercifully, as we got into the lee, or something or other, the waters calmed and we could taste success.
Come on! Come on! We're 20 yards from France.
To succeed, we had to get up the boat ramp but that meant going through the breakers.
No! No! Where's that come from? Skilfully, James got a rope round the front bumper and in a gap in the waves, I went for it.
- No! - ENGINE REVS That's good.
The pick-up had landed.
Occasionally, the boys would do a beautiful piece about a beautiful car, beautifully filmed.
Here's the beautiful Jeremy.
Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine.
So what do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic.
It's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
What it makes me feel though is sad.
I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things, the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed, cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books.
I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving here is an ending.
Easy, Jez.
We're only on V.
We're going all the way to Z.
In 2009, Captain Slow finally met his nemesis.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr Ken Block.
ENGINE ROARS I can hear him coming now.
And I suspect he won't be arriving in a straight line.
He's more like a Gamestation character who has emerged into the real world.
And that's why his films get more than ten million hits on FaceTube.
It's just brilliantly conceived because you think, "Well, you can drive as fast as you like on a runway.
" ENGINE REVS To be sat next to a professional rally driver is something I can't describe.
I've done it and it is I can't describe it.
It's amazing.
The beauty about that footage is you actually get to hear and feel and almost smell what they're going through.
Bloody hell.
ENGINE ROARS - Mind the aeroplanes! - WHEELS SCREECH Door! Ooh, God! God! That's unbelievable! Oh, ho-ho! Mind the pole! Where the hell are we going now? Whoa! That's Ricky Carmichael, a good friend of mine.
I think he's come out to play with us.
LAUGHTER Where's he gone? Whoa! NO! NO! Goodbye, viewers.
Wuh! The nose of a VC2! He's getting away! Not over there, that's a jump.
That's a Moto that's a Motocross jump! No! It is visually stunning.
It's something to be admired.
If you're a film-maker, you're going to be taking that away as a picture of a memory that says "that's quite incredible.
" It's just amazing television, it really is.
We're alive! THEY LAUGH That was incredible! Everyone is thinking, "Yeah, I'd be damned scared as well.
" But what an opportunity if you trust the guy that's driving.
And, you know, there is part of every one of those programmes you think, they must Even even Top Gear must have "health and safteyed" this we think! I'm pretty sure I'm right in saying that there's not many roads in the North Pole, But that didn't stop the Top Gear team having a race to it.
Before they started, they had to be instructed on survival by a member of the special forces.
You know, the ones with the blurry faces.
In your own time, I want all three of you to jump in.
What's the problem? Well, hang on! So, at the Pole, we'd all three be standing in a line with safety harnesses, holding poles when we fall in the water? It's a silly test.
I'm not doing that.
To be honest, the whole point of this is that you have to be able to take your clothes off and put more clothes on again very quickly.
I practised that in my hotel room.
What is it when you've got, like, a tingling down your arm and chest ? He's gone in! You can see it came as a complete shock.
He's scrambling, trying to get out, and you could see on Jeremy's face he wanted to swear and shout at this guy, but he was so cold, he couldn't even speak.
Don't stay in there all day! Drop the pole.
How dare you Hands above your head! Hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! OK.
Roll in the snow, roll in the snow.
ROLL IN THE SNOW! Roll in the snow, Jeremy.
That will make you much better rather than a pink, fluffy towel.
- That looked awful.
- I'm staggered.
Wow! This really is ambitious.
And it's real.
It's not they're not making this up, they're not faking it.
I imagine them sitting down with the producer and the creator, and thinking, "Now, a blank bit of paper.
Here's the world Where are we going to go?" Who do you think is going to win this race? I think we are all going to die.
DOGS BARK Incredibly ambitious.
I mean, you don't get to the magnetic North Pole without being ambitious.
The logistics that are involved I can't believe it! I'm going to the Pole with a dog team.
Yeah! Hammond is given the dogs and the huskies and off he goes.
WHIP CRACKS This is only the third time I've had skis on my feet.
- It's really hard.
- I know, OK, lots of people ski these days, but I grew up in Birmingham.
Then, in typical Clarkson style, they are now in a lovely 4x4 with all the kit in it.
You just think, he's got the short straw again.
Poor old Hammond! Oh, hell! UGH! BLEEP The contrast was just massive, almost comedic.
There's real hardship on one side I took my balaclava off because it had frozen all around where I was breathing through it in my tent with the floor made of snow.
And then, typical Clarkson style, he's sitting there looking pretty.
Now, this is Arctic exploration! MUSICAL AIR HORN SOUNDS Bartlett, not on the rope! How many poos a day do these dogs need to have?! WOMAN LAUGHS - I'd say two.
- It's ten.
It's ten easily at least.
Quails egg? Oh, yeah, lovely! Have you got any celery salt? Ow! Ah! What would those salmon eggs go really well with? Well A crisp white.
Bugger! PHONE RINGS Matty, I'm off! So, do we get ? No! No! James! DOGS BARK It's weird the way being very tired affects you.
Today, privately, whilst being towed along by the sledge, I had a little weep.
I haven't done that for years.
And, out here, the tears cause moisture in your ski goggles.
And it froze on the inside so I couldn't see.
So then I had something to cry about! It was completely riveting TV.
Were they going to make it? The ice here was perilously thin.
It's just completely covered in cracks.
You can hear the ice cracking and there's a moment of genuine fear.
BLEEP This is (BLEEP) scary.
- If we go in here we're dead, aren't we? - Yep.
I mean dead.
INAUDIBLE The car has to go through an awful lot of stress.
It's dangerous.
Yeah, it was amazing.
Sometimes, Jeremy, you have to move slowly.
For example, going over the soft snow where we've been told, time and again, there are huge lumps of immobile ice, which is exactly what has caused that.
Woohoo! - a sharp edge.
Axe it smooth.
- James! What? The bolt has stuck to my lips.
Oh, Christ! JEREMY MUMBLES BLEEP - (MUMBLING) Hurry up! - Put some coffee in your mouth.
BLEEP It hurts, man! And you think, if he pulls it off now, he's got no top lip.
- MMH! That's hot! - Put it in there.
- Shove your face in it.
- Oh, thank God for that! Bloody hell! What a prat! God, struth! Oh! Get out of here! So, did they make it to the top of the world? Ready for it? Ready, ready? Ready, ready? Yes! IT'S THERE! LAUGHTER Oh! Right, so I will disconnect these, OK, which go to that.
Yes, as a great man once said, boys will be boys.
GIGGLING He's going to have the worst literally, the worst journey in human history.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the delicate art of sabotage.
THEY LAUGH Come on! MUSIC: I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe) by Genesis I can't stop it! I didn't think you liked Genesis.
I can't stop it.
You (BLEEP).
What have you done? I mean, the pranks were probably my favourite thing, you know.
That's probably what made it the boy's show.
They always tend to work in pairs.
It's never one person who's going to sabotage another's car.
Why don't we just hit it with a hammer? THEY LAUGH When you properly belly laugh together and you're working together all of the time They really built these old buses! It's ridiculous.
That's come out! it says that those people love each other.
I'm just hitting it with a spatula.
Another mosquito just bit my face.
And I think that is one of those magical, very unusual, combinations where it goes up to the next level.
MORE LAUGHTER Funny! Very funny! What James has done is turned my heater up to full and then removed the heater knob so I can't turn it back down again.
What a monumental bellend he is.
When they did sabotage each other's cars, it wasn't something that could be put right in a couple of minutes.
You were pretty much stuck with it for the rest of the programme.
I think you'll find track four is particularly to his liking.
I remember bumping into them a few times and we had a few jokes and a few drinks, if I remember rightly.
But, er yeah, it's very similar to being in a band, what they have.
because the moment he puts the ignition on it will be on full.
- He can't move Oh, perfect! - Right THUMPING DANCE MUSIC Whatever you think up, you've got to be prepared to accept the consequences because it's going to come back in the other direction, which is great.
And always trying to outdo each other.
- James, have you messed with this seat in my car? - Might have done.
Oi! Come on! Your jacket.
You! That IS my jacket.
Oh! Go and wash the car.
Oh! Have you wired my brake pedal to my air horn? Yes, I have.
CRASH Hammond! CLARKSON! What if it were to go down the hill? - Ha-ha! Very funny.
Oh, no! - Oh, my God! Have you also taken the time to put the air horn inside the car? - Yes, I did.
- AIR HORN SOUNDS OW! Clarkson! Funny! How long's that been there? HAMMOND EXHALES HE SHOUTS May! Is that thing on the front of your car made out of my door? (QUIETLY) Yes, it is.
I did warn you.
Did I or did I not warn you? James is killing Jeremy.
- Can you give me a ? - Is that my door? What? - You utter, utter - CAR ENGINE DROWNS OUT SPEECH where are you? Let's not get bogged down with who did what to whom.
No, because you did all of it.
And THUMPING DANCE MUSIC RESUMES For God's sake! No! You are so unfunny.
But jokes aside, what these boys really wanted to do was race.
If it could be raced, they'd race it.
Helicopters, bobsleigh's, the ravages of time, it really didn't matter just as long as there was a countdown And they're off! Well, he is anyway.
Trees! You nutter! He's got to go so much less distance than me.
Come on, you've crossed the desert.
You can do this.
I don't think this is going to make it as an Olympic sport.
Come on! Come on then, canoe boy! It's not that I'm an overgrown schoolboy or anything.
But this is really good fun.
Ah! The brakes, man! You could slow down a ruddy funeral at this rate.
I'm going as fast He's going like a missile! Speed! Woo! This is what I get to eat on the boat, a melted bar of chocolate Bloody hell! He's just gone past me again! What do you think of that? Ha-ha-ha! There they are.
Look at that, they look as if they've nicked something.
I can't lose this! He hit the side.
He's going to kill us! HE SCREAMS I don't want to die.
No! He's just toying with me now.
Look at him! Aha! I did it! It's won through.
You've got to be ! - Here we go.
- Oh, my God He's Well, that's it.
The race is over.
We've gone from A to Z through the greatest car show the world has ever seen.
What the Top Gear team did was push it.
I'm actually on the roof of a moving vehicle.
They took something ordinary, boring even, The Car Show, and pushed it to the limit, and way beyond.
- It worked! - Yes! And it wasn't just the three presenters.
Right, musical chairs.
Let it begin.
It was the army of fixers and wizards who took all of these crazy ideas, ambitious, but rubbish, and made them happen.
Your bottom is touching my sausage.
What they wanted to do was find the breaking point, the absolute limit, and in the end they found it.
- The '80s were brilliant.
- They were better.
- Just much better.
- Music was better.
- Yeah, everything was better.
- Oh, yeah! Do anything you want to do Do anything you want to do