Top Gear (2002) s25e05 Episode Script

Series 25, Episode 5

1 APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to Top Gear.
Coming up tonight, well, I don't want to brag, but we have made Britain better.
We've basically fixed all your traffic issues.
We have done for your roads what prunes do for your digestion.
Smooth running.
LAUGHTER But first, OK, you know what frustrates me about modern life? How quickly things go out of date.
Phones, laptops, milk.
LAUGHTER Huh? Even cars.
Five minutes after you buy something, it's an antique.
Designers cannot stop tweaking and tinkering, but sometimes, sometimes they nail it first time out.
RUSTIC ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS This is the Piaggio Ape, and, yes, this is a new car .
.
thing, but it's also a 70-year-old car thing.
TYRES SCREECH The Ape was designed to squeeze down narrow streets.
.
METALLIC SLAMMING .
.
park anywhere, move stuff from villagio to villagio.
That's Italian for village.
I looked it up.
Because people still need to do that stuff, it still makes sense today.
- Ciao, Joey! - Hey, ciao! OK, the Ape isn't quick, it has 20 brake horsepower and a top speed of 40mph, but that's really all it needs.
The perfect amount.
However, not all companies are quite as successful as Piaggio.
Because there's another Italian company celebrating its 70th birthday, but sadly they've had much more of a struggle.
They're called Ferrari.
Yes, back in 1948, those guys took their first shot at a road car.
It was called the 166 Inter.
But I guess it just wasn't good enough, because, unlike Piaggio, who nailed it first time out, Ferrari have been tinkering with their design ever since, and their latest attempt goes like this.
ENGINE ROARS Say hello to the Ferrari 812 A two-seat, rear-wheel drive grand tourer.
This is the great-great-great-great grandson of that original 166 Inter.
But, man, those Ferrari engineers cannot stop tweaking.
Take this engine - where the old car made about 100 horsepower, this makes 800.
800 horsepower.
That's nuts! And while they spent 70 years figuring out how to cram in all that power, I guess they ran out of time to give it a proper name.
Because this car's official title is the Ferrari 812 Superfast.
That's right, Superfast.
That is literal.
That's like naming your new dog Dog.
Now, in fairness, this car is pretty superfast.
It'll do zero to 60 in 2.
8 seconds, and has a top speed of 211 mph.
Oh, this 6.
5-litre V12 is a masterpiece.
No other word for it.
It's the most powerful naturally aspirated engine ever found in a road car.
No turbos, no electric motors, just cylinders and pistons turning petrol into speed and noise.
Oh, this thing hauls ass! Yeah, this is beautiful countryside.
But, boy, you've got to keep your eyes on the road with this.
It's a little nervous.
Which could be a problem .
.
because Ferrari calls this a grand tourer, and beneath those sculpted curves, it does have a comfortable, leather-lined interior and room for luggage, so it really should be the perfect way to waft across Europe in relaxed elegance.
This car, however, is about as relaxing as a full body wax.
All that tweaking, all those upgrades, they've ended up with a road car that's just too fast to use on the road.
But who says we have to stick to the road? Because just over that hill is a lovely little circuit called .
.
Imola! HE LAUGHS So stinking fast! Out of a corner, onto a straight.
Bury your right foot - boom! You're in the middle of the next corner.
Boom! Next corner.
Boom! It is amazing, this thing.
Wow! My hands are sweating! O-o-o-oh.
Tamburello.
At Imola, you're never far from the memory of where extreme performance can lead.
But today, the science behind keeping an 800 horsepower road car in check is nothing short of incredible.
The 812's got four-wheel steering, it's got active aerodynamics, it's got FFP, it's got FPO, it's got SSC5, CST with F1 track.
No, I'm not sure what all that means either, but it all works.
It just pulls so hard! It does everything so What's he? Oh! You know how sharks can smell a drop of blood from miles away? You call it the Superfast, it's going to attract him.
This thing's like catnip for The Stig.
It's Stignip.
You smelled it, didn't you? It's nice, right? You want to have a go, don't you? Well, you can't, OK? Now, go on, over there, by the side of the track.
Go on.
I didn't even know he had a nose.
So, intoxicating as it is, does a race track actually help to make sense of the Superfast? Honestly, I'm not sure.
When the Ferrari F12, this car's predecessor, came along in 2012 with its 740 horsepower .
.
you know who said it wasn't fast enough, it wasn't powerful enough? No-one.
Not a soul.
Then, a couple of years back, Chris Harris drove the F12 TDF with 770 horsepower and even he didn't want more power, and he's greedy.
Now, we've got 800 horsepower.
And the longer you spend with the Superfast, the more you realise just how deep the well runs.
Even here, on a big empty track, even with all the technology, I can't squeeze every drop of performance out of the car.
Not many normal humans could.
To do that, you'd have to be some kind of .
.
superhuman.
OK.
Go on, then, big guy, knock yourself out.
Oh, hey, Stig, be careful.
It's superfast.
We laugh.
HE CHUCKLES OK, so the Ferrari 812 Superfast is complete overkill.
You can't use all of it on the road.
And if you're made of flesh and bone, rather than whatever the hell The Stig is made of, you can't use all of it on the track either.
So, isn't it better, then, to know when to say enough's enough? After all, it worked for Piaggio.
In the end, you'd have to say .
.
no.
This is Ferrari.
What else would you expect? Sure, the 812 might be too fast for humans, but that's not Ferrari's fault.
It just means we humans need to step it up.
And you know what that means .
.
practice, practice, practice.
TYRES SCREECH CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wicked.
- What a machine.
- Wicked.
- That looked like a fantastic day out.
- Yeah.
And, 800 horsepower! Yeah, from a naturally aspirated motor.
It's incredible.
And I have to agree with you.
They call it a grand tourer, but it just isn't, is it? - No.
- Because a grand tourer's meant to be relaxing.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's the opposite of relaxing.
Yeah, yeah, but I think I've figured it out.
You can't think of this as a grand tourer, you just can't.
No, you have to think of this car like tequila.
OK? Or Keith Richards.
Do you want to drink tequila every day? No.
Do you want to hang out with Keith Richards every day? No.
But sometimes, sometimes, you want to drink tequila with Keith Richards.
LAUGHTER - Rory.
- Now, if you've got children, you'll know the moment you tell them they can't have something, they instantly want it more than anything in the world.
And that's why, when they told me there was a new muscle car that's banned from Europe, I was on the first plane to America.
The outlaw in question is made by Chevrolet, and it's called the Camaro ZL1 1LE.
Sinister, menacing, a study in barely restrained power.
This is the car that Europe wouldn't let in.
And that's why I've come here, to the Californian desert and the Willow Springs Raceway, to let it off the leash.
ENGINE ROARS Yes! Camaro is a monster! Oh, the power! HE LAUGHS I love muscle cars.
They solve the problem of going fast by applying brute force.
And if there's one thing this thing has plenty of, it's brute force.
It's packing a supercharged V8.
It kicks out 650 horsepower, 650 lb-feet of torque.
I mean, that's more than a Lamborghini Huracan.
Enough, in fact, to hit 60 in 3.
5 seconds and top out at 190mph.
This car makes really far-away things into suddenly really quite close things.
And all of that power is going to the rear wheels through an old-school, six-speed, manual gearbox.
And with all that power, it can corner like an old-school muscle car.
TYRES SCREECH Oh, that's oversteer! That's more oversteer.
HE LAUGHS That was too much oversteer! Fun as this is, though, it isn't what this Camaro is built for.
Because this is a muscle car with brains beneath the brawn.
The 1LE bit of this car's incredibly long name is basically Chevy shorthand for "All about the racetrack.
" So those evil-looking wings and fins actually work, creating very un-muscle-car-y downforce.
The tyres took Goodyear three years to develop.
Even the suspension uses the same dampers you'll find on a modern Le Mans car.
A jock has taken a class in astrophysics.
Which means, drive it right, and this muscle car will pull a massive 1.
1 lateral G through the corners.
The grip in this is just enormous! It's sticking.
It's sticking! How is it sticking?! This is the most track-focused Camaro in 50 years of Camaros.
And it all costs just $70,000 - about 50 grand in the UK, if you could buy it.
Which, of course, you can't.
You see these little aerofins at the front of the car? Well, these are technically illegal under European pedestrian law - specifically the ones that relate to chopping people's feet off.
So the stuff that makes the 1LE so perfect for Europe, all the cornering stuff, well, that's exactly the reason we can't have it.
What do you know? America does do irony.
And I'm sorry, Europe, I'd love to tell you that you're not missing out, but the 1LE is a muscle car worthy of European corners.
The question was, though, was this European really worthy of the 1LE? Because, from a standing start, a car of this calibre will lap the 2.
5-mile Willow Springs track in less than one minute, 40 seconds.
And the producers have asked me to prove it.
No sweat.
Oh, what a start! Keep it tidy, keep it tidy.
Feed in the power.
OK, brake here.
This already feels good.
Patience, patience.
Let's go, apex! Bang! REVVING All of the power, all of the noise! Oh, Mr Reid! This is so quick.
OK, last corner.
I can see the finish line! Oh, yes! That, that was nice! That was nice! 1.
40 to beat.
All right, hit me.
How did I do? - RADIO: - That was one minute, 51, ten.
- What?! - One minute, 51, ten.
How?! Double check the stopwatch, please! Depressingly, the producers had assumed I'd be a little wide of the mark and scrambled me a tutor.
- Sabine! - Oh, hey, my little guinea pig.
I think there's some work to do.
- Put this on.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - OK.
I'm kind of glad to see you.
So, to do the 1LE any kind of justice at all, I had a rather substantial 11 seconds to find.
And with Sabine watching my every move - Are you ready? - Yeah.
.
.
this would take focus.
Three, two, one .
.
go! What was that? - OK.
- Oh, man, Rory! - My bad.
- Please! - No, no, I can get this.
I can get this, I can get this.
One more, one more.
Come on.
Don't give up on me yet! So, OK - Yeah.
- Three, two, one .
.
go! And we're moving! Unimpressed by my nervy start When I say turn and now you turn .
.
Sabine's teaching style was direct.
Now! Give us apex! Go, use the track! OK, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going! You leave so much room.
This is the fastest part of the track.
I'm not scared.
How can it be? Scare me, scare me! - Scare you?! - Scare me! I'm trying! To be honest, there was a lot to take in.
It's so much pressure.
Go.
Go! And Sabine was relentless.
Push! THEY SCREAM You want to be a racing driver? - I'm trying! - Go! But while my lap times were coming down .
.
I was still some way short of the magic 1.
40 mark.
1.
43.
This is rubbish.
- I came all the way from Germany for that - BLEEP - time? Wow.
I don't know how to get quicker.
I just - I can't do it.
- Shut up, we go again.
Three, two, one .
.
go! With the day running on, Sabine kept pushing My grandma would be much faster than you! .
.
forcing me further out of my comfort zone.
Mamma Mia! - You said - BLEEP! I am trying my best here.
Until finally - Push! - I'm pushing! SHE SCREAMS - BLEEP.
- Straighten the wheel! BLEEP.
- Argh! - Woo! BLEEP.
I want you to push.
So to go through the dirt, that's a good sign.
That means you're really pushing, Rory.
I don't know if you just realised, but we almost died there.
- Oh! - OK? - Come on.
OK.
Are we set? - We try again.
- I think I need a minute! I like that.
I like that, Rory, you must push.
You must hit the dirt, you must go through dust.
Eat my dust, that's what we want to see.
This woman is crazy.
But she was also completely right.
Take one big breath and then just go for it.
Three, two, one - .
.
power! - Come on! Apex, apex, apex, use the track.
Yeah! What Sabine had been trying to show me 35 seconds to go.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
.
.
is that a genuine racer's lap time Come on! .
.
can only be found at the very limit of control.
Be brave! Woo! Three, two, one! STOPWATCH BEEPS - Yes! - Woo! Yeah! Come on! 139.
3.
Come on! Come on! Good job.
Good job, Rory.
I don't think this car could have gone any faster whatsoever.
I maxed it out, man.
My turn.
Oh.
In three, two, one .
.
go! So, the Chevrolet Camaro ZL1 1LE .
.
part muscle car, part race car.
A specialised machine that takes dedication and real bravery to fully appreciate.
Come on! First lap?! I'm done, I'm done.
OK.
How much quicker was Sabine? Doesn't really matter, does it? The time, please, Rory.
Well, the thing about time is it's just a human construct, isn't it? Time, space, distance, it's all relative.
If I go back in time and murder my grandfather, I wouldn't even exist.
- Food for thought, Chris.
- Rory! All right, look, she was three seconds faster than me, all right? But it's not cos she's a quicker driver, it's cos I'm taller.
Think about it.
The amount it time it takes for a thought to go from my head all the way down to my right foot that's what's slowing me down.
Even by your standards, that is pathetic.
It all adds up.
Can we just talk about the 1LE? Yeah, it doesn't appear to be here, Rory.
Well, look, I told you it was banned from Europe.
- Yeah.
- I'm not a smuggler.
I'm genuinely gutted it's not coming over here.
I know everyone thinks that the Camaros are pig-iron old muscle car, - but it just isn't, is it? - Not at all.
It's a genuinely world-class sports car.
Kind of makes you want to move to America, you know? But then I think of all that high-fiving, and then the talking about your emotions and stuff, and Oh, you're right.
Do you want to hug it out? No, I do not.
LAUGHTER OK, now it's time to put a star in our reasonably fast car.
From Broadchurch, This Is England, and Line Of Duty, please welcome Bafta-winning Vicky McClure.
Hi, welcome.
Welcome to the show.
Have a seat.
- All right.
- All right.
This is exciting.
How are you? How are you? - Good? - My head's spinning a bit after today's events, yeah.
It's a big day, yeah, yeah.
- You've always been into cars, right? You're a big fan? - Yeah.
There was If anybody's from Nottingham, they'll remember there was something called The Circuit, which was basically just, you know, lads in their cars, and girls, obviously, just racing around.
And finding any car park you can do just do a few doughnuts.
So, you are a girl racer at heart? Yeah, I mean, it was a big part of my past.
When we first got cars, we was all into Golfs, you know, Mk1, Mk2, all the old-style.
And I used to go to places like GTI International and Santa Pod and, you know, we'd camp out and, yeah, it was great.
And what did you think of the mighty GT 86? Wow, what an experience, but there was no stereo.
If I need a bit of speed, I need some sort of aggressive music on, so Well, you don't need aggressive music on the training lap.
- You've got Mr Aggressive right here.
- Yeah, no, yeah.
I wasn't being that aggressive.
And you didn't need any music to make you any faster.
There are two types of people that turn up to do the lap with us.
There are those that need to be coaxed to go faster, and there are those that need to be sort of reigned in a bit.
This one was in the latter category.
Come on, let's have a look.
Vicky, welcome to the Top Gear test track.
- Thanks.
- Thank you for bringing the sunshine, cos it's normally utterly miserable here.
- No track days before? - No.
Do you like driving fast? - Yeah.
- Do you often use the closed roads of Line Of Duty - to explore your own limits? - Yeah, if I can, yeah.
- OK, good, let's go.
- OK.
Here we go.
- Second.
- Oh, my God, what is that? - Second.
- Oh, my God, I'm thinking I'm driving a - BLEEP - automatic! I'm not saying anything.
Imagine you've got some baddies to catch.
- OK.
- OK.
- So, around the corner are baddies.
- Yeah.
Turn the wheel, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.
- That's good speed.
- Whoa! You can hear a bit of noise, but it's gripping.
It's gripping.
We're going to the right now.
To the right now.
Gosh, you're not shy, are you? - Am I not? - Are you quite like your character in Line Of Duty or not? - A little bit.
- Are you? To the left.
Are you going to get the butt of a handgun out and knock me out? LAUGHTER OK, left-hand side.
Full-on, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas.
- Come on! - Keep it going.
- Got to get the criminals! Now just look straight to the white tyres - and go straight towards them - Whoa! - Woohoo! Woo! Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake, brake.
- Now that's fast, that's fast.
- Whoa! - Left, left, left.
We're in, we're in, Intervention! And brake.
- I went too fast.
- And left now, left.
- Here we go.
- Over the line.
Stop.
There we go, well done.
Now, I think there's a very, very fast time in you.
- The track conditions are good.
- Yeah.
- The car feels good.
- Yeah.
You look confident.
I just, I just I think, I think we're on the cusp, - the cusp of greatness.
- OK, good.
If you think that Not that I'm putting any pressure on you at all.
- Nice one, Chris.
- Best of luck.
Right.
If you don't go quickly, I'm going to get fired.
Definitely, definitely competent.
Like, I've seen that face in the car during the training laps much, much - more nervous than that.
- Oh, OK.
- So, that looked pretty good.
I wasn't remotely nervous.
And it was the best example of, "Oh, it's not an automatic," - I've ever come across.
- No, I know, I just couldn't I was like, "What's wrong with the car?" - "It's not going any faster.
" - I didn't quite know what to say.
It just didn't accelerate and you were thinking, "It's not going any faster.
" Yeah, I was blaming it on the car.
Yeah.
All right, let's talk Line Of Duty.
Huge hit, and you've signed up - for two more seasons? - Yeah, there's season five and six to come.
- That's great.
- So, we don't start shooting series five until end of this year.
Now, I heard that you tried to steal a prop from one of the - shoots one time.
- Basically, I did some gun training, because we did a lot of gun work in series three.
And I was at the range learning how to use a gun and I had to go straight to Belfast Airport to get my flight to Nottingham.
And I was in the queue, just about to put my case through security, and I took my scarf off and I heard something fall on the floor, and I thought, "Oh, it's a piece of my jewellery.
" No, it's the casing of a bullet .
.
that had Obviously, they're flying back at you when you're using the guns, and I didn't even realise and I just panicked, I didn't know what to do.
I wasn't Kate Fleming at all.
I abandoned my case.
Brilliant thing to do in the middle of an airport in Belfast.
I was like, oh I just had to get rid of it because there was no way I'd get through security, obviously.
What did you do with it? I just put it in the bin.
- Why not? - And then rang production in a real panic because, you know, they're all numbered and they'll be traced back to, you know, wherever, and I was like, "Oh, you're not going to believe what's happened.
" Managed to get through all right.
Now, you're a big motorsport fan too.
- Yeah.
- And you have one particular hero.
Yeah.
Rossi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Me too.
- There he is.
- Legend.
- Yeah.
- Legend.
Legend.
- Yeah.
- What's your favourite Rossi moment? There's so many.
I just find that he's so entertaining.
Not only is he just an incredible rider, he's got all the charm, hasn't he? The race in 2009 with Lorenzo at Catalunya - that was just, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- They were on the same team.
It was, like, back and forth, it was, like, nail-biting stuff.
In our spare time we watch this stuff the whole time.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not But the thing is it's, you know, even watching it again it's just so entertaining seeing how, you know, they were overtaking each other and undertaking each other.
- It was a great lap, yeah.
- It was just, yeah.
- We have a clip of it here.
- Oh, great.
OK, last lap, Rossi in the yellow with his foot down, Lorenzo out front.
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Italian, Valentino the Italian.
Here we go.
Oh, that's tight.
Just the lean angles are incredible.
All right, coming into the last turn.
Now, in the last corner here no-one ever passes going into this last right-hander so Lorenzo doesn't protect the line.
What happens? Oh! He got right by.
That's good stuff, and win the race.
Look at that.
He's the man.
- CHRIS: - He is the man.
- He is the man.
And they're excited.
You get more action in one lap than you do in a season of Formula 1, - don't you? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's pretty incredible.
I did go to Moto GP once and it was, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- What an experience just seeing him ride.
- He's great for the sport too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
All right, shall we talk about your timed lap? Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
Now, before we show the lap, there was, um Mm.
When you were in the car by yourself.
- Yeah.
- Your language Oh.
Your language, I'll say, dipped a bit.
Right.
A little bit fruity? - We put together a little clip for you.
- Oh, no! - So this should be fun.
Check this out.
- Turn the - BLEEP - wheel and accelerate you knob, it's fine.
- Clutch up.
- BLEEP.
- Straight out.
- BLEEP.
Oh, well, come on, you can do it.
- Let the - BLEEP - clutch up, you little - BLEEP.
- Feel the - BLEEP - grip, man.
- Feel the - BLEEP - grip, man.
- This bit is so - BLEEP - hard.
- Don't - BLEEP - stress.
- It's all - BLEEP - gravy.
Oh, no! APPLAUSE - Wow! - Ah Yeah.
Naughty, naughty, naughty.
Is your mum watching? Oh! That's why I talk like that.
Yeah, no, they'll be fine.
- So - Yeah, I'm - Shall we take a look at the real lap? Yeah, let's take a look.
All right, let's take a look at the real timed lap.
TYRES SCREECH Better move out the way, birdie, coming through! Now, accelerate.
I'm sure he said accelerate here.
No brake.
Sorry, this is the bit that I'm supposed to commentate over but I was so gripped.
OK, nice dry conditions.
Using most of the circuit.
This was the problem for you in the training laps, getting the angle right and turning at the right point and getting on the gas.
That looks neat and tidy through Chicago.
Great conditions for driving in, apparently.
Why am I turning posh? I need to brake really hard here.
- Like, now.
- Good braking point.
Round the Hammerhead.
This turn is so turny.
Really working with the phraseology as well.
OK, power through, power through, come on.
Down the back straight.
Get to the left.
Come on! For the ladies! For the ladies.
I was telling you to get left.
That's fast through the follow-through.
Now you've got to link through to the tyre wall.
Woo! Looks good.
Braking in Using all of the exit there.
We're on the finish line.
Just throw it through! Come on! Over the line.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good.
That looked good.
That was clean.
Clean is fast.
I didn't hear a lot of tyre noise.
That was clean.
- I gave it all I could, I think.
- A clean, competent lap, I think.
Yeah.
Do you feel confident? No, I'm not feeling confident.
- Why not? - I just don't want to be at the bottom and I just want to be up there.
All right.
Well, where do you think? Where do you think you've come? I'd like to think I'm in the 40s.
- But.
- Uh-huh.
I don't know.
Midway is going to be acceptable.
- I think you're being cruel.
- I'm not being cruel! You're just stringing it out like you always do.
- That's my favourite part of the show.
- You are stringing it out.
- Just give me the time! - All right? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Let's see.
- Are you sure you want to know? - Oh, you're just This is Come on.
- All right, let me just have a Ooo.
- Oh, daren't look.
Are you sure you - All right.
- Right.
- Vicky McClure.
- Honestly.
You went around our humble little track in one minute .
.
forty five - point three.
- Wow! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
That's mega.
That's awesome.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah.
- That's good.
One for the ladies.
My one for the ladies.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Vicky McClure! - Thank you.
Well done.
Good job, coach.
- Very, very good people.
- All right, here we go.
You see, I love Britain with your food and your summer and your dentists.
But there is one tiny problem we need to talk about.
This is where you'll find it.
Lurking on the back roads of Britain.
The greatest menace to motoring today is, of course .
.
the tractor.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love the tractor.
On the farm, no complaints.
But out on the open road .
.
not so great.
The problem is, all of that.
CAR HORNS BEEPING Doesn't it go any faster? - No, it doesn't.
- Well, put your foot down.
- My foot is down.
- That can't be full throttle.
- That's as fast as it goes.
This is embarrassing.
Look at the queue of traffic behind us.
Yes, for too long now the tractor has been the bane of British motoring.
Sorry! Holding up traffic and stirring up road rage.
How do you look angry in a Citroen Cactus? The Citroen Cactus is a friendly car.
But he's spitting on his own windscreen.
That's a long line.
CAR HORNS BEEP Sorry.
Oh, that's a gesture you don't see very often.
Clearly, something has to be done.
And luckily for Britain, I may just have the answer.
Where are we going? I have got a plan, my friend.
The Top Gear Agricultural Technology Centre.
- All right, down you get.
- What do you mean, down I get? Down you get.
Hop out.
- Why? - Well, I've got a problem to solve so I'll see you later, buddy.
- What? - You go on home, put your feet up and relax, OK? Go home, how, mate? Well, there's a busevery Wednesday.
But it's Thursday.
Now, as the proud owner of no less than four tractors, you could say I'm a bit of an enthusiast.
So, it was time to roll up my sleeves and get to work.
Here we go.
And with my master plan in place, the roads of Britain would be saved in no time at all.
At last, it was ready.
My creation was alive and I could not wait to show it off.
So, I got a text from a very excited Matt telling me to be at the production office 8am sharp.
He's now late.
This better be good, it's cold and wet, I'd rather not be here.
Oh, it was good.
Woo-hoo-hoo.
What's that noise? It was very good.
Oh.
MATT CHUCKLES Behold, the Track-tor.
- Huh? - What, tractor? It's a tractor.
Track-tor.
Track, with a K, tor.
Oh.
Clever name, genius design.
Because the Track-tor is powered by a 5.
7-litre Chevy V8 with 500 horsepower, all wrapped up in the fastest colour known to man.
That's Lamborghini orange.
Now, that's a company that started out making tractors but now makes supercars, and I've made essentially a super tractor.
I'm aligning the universe and it is great.
Now, look at these tyres.
That's an American tyre, the Super Swamper.
When I was a kid, I would look at four-wheel drive magazines and that was the tyre you wanted on your truck.
- Super Swampers? - Yeah, those are boggy.
Look at these headlights up front.
Do you recognise these? My brain's a bit frazzled, mate.
You've just turned up with a 500 horsepower Pulled off an equally tubular chassised open cockpit - Ariel Atom.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Ariel Atom.
It is quite an object.
Why is there a brush down there? Muddy, ploughing your fields - that spins, rotates, you clean your boots off before you get back in.
It's a toilet brush, Matt.
Well, it may have started out as a toilet brush but now it's attached to a drill motor underneath there.
Has it ever seen service in a toilet before here, or was it new when you put it on? Not important.
What is important Hey, hey.
.
.
is how fast this tractor goes.
Time to find out.
OK, water temperature, oil temperature, what's that one there? - This one? - Yeah.
- Barometer.
We're farmers.
ENGINE ROARS Are you ready? Oh, I love it! It's fantastic! Yeah! Woo-hoo-hoo.
We're pioneers, Chris.
This is 50.
50mph.
Twice the normal tractor speed.
And it feels like a sensible maximum for today.
Sensible? This is Top Gear, we're not sensible.
TYRES SCREECH You know what the world speed record is for a tractor? Weirdly enough, no, I don't.
OK, it's 80.
87mph.
- I think we can beat it with this.
- No.
Yeah.
Helmets on.
Target, 81mph.
That's 60.
That's 70.
It's now all beginning to wobble and shake.
Maybe sort of stop there.
OK.
- Dear God.
- We don't have enough runway.
But we didn't start at the end.
Oh, so you want to have another go? Hell, yes, I did.
What was that? That was your brush! That was your toilet brush! - Oh, well, we don't need that.
- We might do, mate.
We might well do.
Ah, we'd be fine.
So, at the risk of skid marks not just being left on the track .
.
we got ready for a proper run up.
Come out of Hammerhead, we can carry more speed onto the runway.
I bet you we can get it.
All right, this is the one.
Now we're doing 50 by the time we go over where we were last time.
59.
60.
Come on, baby! Come on! 68.
69.
70.
Come on! Ten more miles an hour.
It's starting to shake a bit now.
Keep going! 76.
It's cooking now.
- 77.
I can't see because of the smoke.
- Come on.
80! Yes! Keep going, keep going, baby.
- I got it buried! - 80! We're going to do it.
- 81mph! - That's it! TYRES SCREECH - 81mph! - 81mph, baby! - Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Woo-ooo! Woo! There you go, piece of cake.
And final testing complete, it was time to take the Track-tor on its very first road trip.
And, immediately, it was the best tractor road trip in history.
Look behind us, what do you see? - Nothing.
- Exactly.
# Get your motor running Head out on the highway The tractor is no longer holding up Britain.
Those days are over, my friend.
And the people of Britain loved it.
Hi, everyone.
People are responding well to it.
It's a crowd pleaser.
It does bring a whole new meaning to the phrase Chelsea tractor, doesn't it? Born to be wild Oh, look, it's the speed awareness people.
They're all right, they were smiling.
And for good reason.
In fact, the Track-tor was so impressive it was time to do something other tractors can only dream of.
Woo-hoo-hoo! Oh, really? We are literally putting British agriculture in the fast lane, huh? You're in the slow lane, mate.
I know, I'm not a mad man.
We are literally putting British agriculture NEAR the fast lane.
The roads of Britain were saved.
OK, I'm going to go for it.
All right, here we go.
We've just overtaken a Porsche Boxster in a tractor.
Now, that is progress, my friend.
Give me five.
Now, the producers did have one question.
Specifically, is the Track-tor actually a tractor? Unwilling to take our word for it, they told us to head to a local farm for some tests, which, of course, we reached in no time at all.
We are about to start an agricultural revolution.
And, clearly worried they'd be made to look foolish, the producers had pulled out the big guns.
We would be up against the fiercest competition the tractor world had to offer.
The New Holland T7, driven by none other than Britain's reigning Farmer Of The Year.
Chris, that's Robert Neill.
- Who? - You know that farming calendar I keep telling you about, the Muddy Turnip? He's January.
- How's it going? - Yeah, great, thanks.
- You're Robert Neill.
- Yeah, I am.
- Matt.
- Matt, pleased to meet you.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
This is Chris.
- Hi, Chris.
- Pleased to meet you.
- And you.
Yeah, wow.
Big pleasure.
Big fan.
Farmer Of The Year.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Is that what you used to do it? - That New Holland T7? - Yeah, yeah, we've got two of them.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
- Big.
- Slow.
- Precise.
245 horses.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- 500.
- Can it do the job? Of course it can do the job, and quick.
- What time do you get up in the morning? - About 6.
30.
In this you could have a lie-in till, what, noon? Yeah? Get all your work done by mid-afternoon, then you have a little time left over for, I don't know, spending it with the kids.
But enough talk.
It was time for a demonstration.
And we'd start with hedge cutting.
Turning overgrown bush into neatly trimmed perfection.
The best tractors will produce a precise and level finish with - minimal casualties.
- What happens if I cut the tyre? Something bad's going to happen.
So, with half a field length each to attack, the winner would present the neatest hedge in five minutes.
- Come on! - Go, go! Go, go, go! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oi! What are you doing? Now, it turned out the Track-tor did lack a little precision.
Oh, my God, I'm in the middle of the bush.
Not too deep! Not too deep! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! I think I killed the scarecrow.
However .
.
it more than made up for it with speed.
We can get two passes to his one.
Good man, let's go.
And a relaxed attitude to safety.
- Oh! - Ow! Jesus! What is wrong with you! - Yes! - Yes! - We won! - We must have won that.
- Woohoo! I mean, we have executed that with style and with speed.
I think we can call that a win for the Track-tor, right? No chance.
It's wild.
That was the look we were aiming for.
If it was art I'd say that yours was a very accurate line drawing.
I mean, technically, it's competent but it's soulless.
- Yeah.
- Whereas, we've taken the canvas and we've just explored it.
- I think you did great.
- I think we can call that a win, can't we? - Well done.
- Yeah.
Before Robert Neill could object .
.
we moved on to the next challenge.
And because any good tractor needs to ready the fields for new crops, thiswas ploughing.
But while the New Holland had been equipped with the standard, cumbersome ten-blade plough, we had opted for a motorsport-inspired ultralightweight three blader.
Did you read the manual for the plough? Up and down.
Right.
HOOTER That's us.
So, each with an acre of field to plough the winner would be the first one to finish.
Obviously.
Are we looking good? Oh, look how slow he's going.
We've got this in the bag, buddy.
- Get ready.
Lift it.
- I'm lifting it.
- She's up.
She's up.
- We're kicking his butt.
As predicted, the Track-tor was majestic.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Poetry.
In fact, we were so much faster than the super farmer Down.
Oh, this is so much better.
.
.
we may have become just a little over exuberant.
Oh, we just lost our weight.
We're going to not want to hit those.
# We plough the fields Down! Down! Down! Down! Down! Down! # .
.
the good seed on the land Too deep! Too deep! But it is fed and watered by God's almighty hand.
Up! Up! Will you pay attention! Even with Chris's carefree attitude, the Track-tor surged ahead.
And, frankly, you can forgive a little free-spirited fieldwork when victory comes this easily.
Look at that.
- We are done.
- Woo! I think that you can call that a right spanking.
And Robert Neill did not look happy.
You're the current holder of Farmer Of The Year.
- Yeah.
- But Matt, he was mentioning this earlier, Matt feels that now he's beaten you he should really, like a boxer having the belt, do you think you could hand over the I don't think so.
If you were hired here you'd be now fired.
- For what? - For making such a mess.
- What are you talking about? - You're supposed to bury all this stubble.
A nice and clean finish.
- Says who? - Me, I'm the farmer.
Irrelevant.
Because the Track-tor's triumphant performance so far clearly had the producers rattled, for our final challenge they benched Robert Neill, Farmer Of The Year, and threw down the ultimate farming challenge.
Oh, look, it's a sailor farmer.
Oh, Captain Birdseye does a great fish finger.
- Thank you.
- Legend.
A challenge.
OK.
"Field to frozen.
" Oh, I know what this is.
This is out of the ground and into the freezer, locks in the freshness.
- OK.
- "To prove the speed of your Track-tor, "you will harvest the vegetables from this field and transport them "to the freezer section of the local village shop eight miles away.
"The industry standard for this is two hours and 30 minutes, therefore, "you must do it in 23 minutes.
" That doesn't even make mathematical sense.
No.
OK, hang on, there's more.
And to assist you we've enlisted the help of the fastest farmer in the west - Stig.
Where's he? Oh, there he is.
Oh, look, he's made a friend.
Jeez.
I wonder what that conversation was about.
CHRIS LAUGHS A field of carrots now stood between the Track-tor and its place in farming history.
And with the driving in safe hands we were free to do the picking.
And there wasn't an existing piece of carrot-harvesting equipment you - could have bought? - Not for this, no.
- What's the strategy, then? - You pick the carrot and you put it in the - basket.
- That's it? - Well, as fast as possible.
All right, we've got 23 minutes.
- You got the stopwatch? - I've got the stopwatch.
Time, then, to go harvesting.
HOOTER OK, pick! Grab them! Now, there are a few good reasons why carrots aren't usually picked like this.
How much development work have you actually done on this? I can't reach them.
I can reach them fine.
And, look, I can't do R&D with your little arm, can I? Come on, now, reach out there.
Are you picking carrots, or what? And our driver didn't make things any easier.
Stig! Slow down! Why are you going so fast? But these important lessons aside Go round again, Stig.
Go round again.
.
.
soon we had our harvest.
Right, Stig, stop! Stop! Next, eight miles to the shop.
Right, we're against the clock.
And we had just 12 minutes to reach it.
All right, here we go.
How are the carrots? Keep them cool.
They're We don't want soggy carrots.
We want nice fresh carrots at the store.
Look.
Look at that.
That is rigid and firm, that carrot.
- OK, good.
- Look at that.
Standing to attention.
- Leave that carrot alone.
- OK, sorry.
Back on the road, the Track-tor was in its element.
Right here.
Right here.
Right here.
Come on.
Lovely Impreza there.
Look at him.
Shop's up here on your left.
On the pavement.
On the pavement.
OK.
Shut it! Shut it down.
Shut it down.
And with just a minute to spare OK, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Freezer.
Freezer.
Freezer, anyone? - Freezer.
- Here we go.
Here we go.
- Where? - Here! Here.
Here.
Here.
- There we go.
There we go.
- OK.
What are you taking them out of the bag for? Well, we want them to look nice.
- Nice and neat.
Arrange them.
- 30 seconds! - 30 seconds, OK.
- 30 seconds.
- OK, come on.
- Put the bag in there.
- Come on! Come on! Come on! - OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, done.
- Done! - Ten seconds to spare.
Stick that in your fish's face, Captain Birdseye.
Nice job.
Mission accomplished, my friend.
- You're welcome.
- Bye.
- Carrots for sale.
And that is how you do that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right, welcome back.
You're watching Pimp My Tractor.
Come on, how great is this? When Lewis Hamilton retires to his farm, this is what he'll be driving.
I admit I was sceptical but it's brilliant.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Honestly, invention-wise it goes like this - fire, computers, the Track-tor.
Right? Guys, guys, I hate to point out the glaring flaw in all of this.
The problem is, you've only made one tractor.
- This thing's awesome! - Right, I know, I know.
It's the greatest thing ever and what we have to do is tell the world about it.
So, I've come up with a marketing video.
Have a look at this and we'll see you next week.
Goodnight.
Hello again.
This week on Countryfile I'll be looking around the peaceful surroundings of the Cotswolds, the largest Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty Well, this is a place to be Goodness me! What on Earth is that? Thriving populations of You've got to be kidding me! That's freezing!