Tracey Breaks the News (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 This programme contains some strong language.
How did you manage that? I am and sang all the calls myself.
Wombat be time-consuming? Theresa May speaking.
Or they have gone.
Not really.
Hello, you're speaking to Theresa May.
Gone again.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Everything is an hour ahead.
We should make that one of our key Brexit demands.
Bridger clocks right! David Davis sends his apologies, he got on the wrong Eurostar and end up in Disneyland Paris so he thought he would try the ratatouille ride while we still have freedom of movement.
The meeting started 11:17am.
Fire away, Toth negotiating head-on.
Do you have our notes? Can we settle this so-called divorce bill? I would love to but we an because if we give you any money the British press will crucify us.
Meeting concluded 11:19am.
Can we not settle on something else? Something we can give the Daily Mail? We have had some thoughts.
Will you let us change the name of pride among shady something in English? We should have a translation by 2020.
I don't see why not.
Can we keep the Christmas market with the big German sausage? Yes but that's not Keep the term menagerie trois because a threesome sounds CD.
-- CD.
What British things that you want to keep? Not a little thing about Blighty would hate to see go? There is something we would like you to take back.
All the stag parties.
Those posh twat from the ski resorts and Christians got Thomas.
She is bloody annoying.
Progress.
You are people we can do business with.
But not after Brexit, obviously.
This week we have asked you to bake a cake on something you dream about.
What have we got here? This represents a city being destroyed by a North Korean nuclear warhead.
The concentric circles and I said so you how likely you are to die.
Lemon is 40%, Strawberry 50% Cat.
We seem to have a tiny problem.
I knew I should not have used sultanas.
I cannot stop thinking about it, it is in my mind all the time.
I think everyone is a little bit scared of dying in a fire but that is why people watch this programme, to take their minds off it.
We create an imaginary place where everything lets try this again shall we? What do we have here? This cake shows and Magic tree.
What are these circles? It is where the fairies dance.
I love these shapes.
Pretty windmills.
It's a delightful cake and makes me feel very safe.
Tell me about your cake? My Victoria sponge shows my hometown after the ice caps melt.
Or for fucks sake.
President Trump has been involved in a war of words with a Republican senator, this is basically the same story as yesterday, what if I see him again and you imagine a childless road and skip the details? Anyway I cannot see a clock so it's probably for rush and I was supposed to be done at midnight.
Any sign of Alistair? And the winning team is box quiz.
Oh Jeremy Corbyn.
Oh coconut water.
Good evening John.
What are you doing here? I always supported the local pub quiz.
I won.
Technically I came second but compared to how I was expected to do.
I had to look on SnapChat to find it where you are.
Calm down comrade, the workers, we can discuss it here.
Why? You legend, can I get a selfie? Do you want one with me, John McDonnell? Better, John? Hardly, I don't want people hassling me for a selfie 's all day.
I was asking if you wanted a pint of bitter.
The chance to hear Jeremy Corbyn delivering a speech on a failed system which has exploited the working population of this country and which we will bring to its knees # Oh Jeremy Corbyn! Right, in terms of the other speakers I thought we would we like the big guns, Len McClusky, Paul Mason and me.
I guess.
Do you have any better ideas? What about Daniel Radcliffe, he is fascinating.
Is he not Harry Potter? We did not discuss his hobbies.
Did I not mention I have booked Stormzy? I have not agreed for that.
Who would you go for? You have changed.
I have not, why are you up in my grill, I am authentic which is what people love about me.
I am a small still voice calling out for a fairer Britain, a Briton in which everyone is included and now one is ignored.
# Oh Jeremy Corbyn! Except me.
Come on John, it's not about you, the workers Sod the workers! Don't tell me to tone it down.
Let's go for a curry.
I would like that.
The workers.
The workers.
But we will have to make it another night because I'm having supper with a Willy Annan -- with Lily Allen.
Hello, are you black? Poor? From the North? Preferably all three.
We want to hear from you.
We have previously educated the most already educated students.
But we don't want to do that any more.
Well we do but apparently it looks bad.
If you think eating is a character from Hollyoaks.
Picked up an application form from your local branch of little.
What is that? This helpfully ethnic young lady got been with just three a's and the Nobel Peace Prize.
If you are normally apply today and tell all your friends.
Steady on, we only need one or two max.
Great to have all the major studio heads here so we can agree on this new Hollywood code of conduct.
A hotel suite? What? I have all my meetings in a hotel suite.
Oh, right.
Well we are all professionals.
What are you doing? Sorry, force of habit.
The way I see it this isn't going away.
If Harvey can get taken down who is next? It's me.
I should Yeah.
What we need are some rules that all us guys can sign up to, no physical coercion, no inappropriate touching.
What about asking actresses to watch DUP? That would be unacceptable.
I should We need a big star who confront the whole campaign, someone who represents women's rights, I am thinking Tom Hanks.
George Clooney? Can I interrupt you, if we are pitching it as an anti-sexual harassment then maybe we should make the star woman.
Clever, then we may have to pay them have as much, who'd you think, Julianne Moore? She is too old.
What about a younger Julianne Moore, if she is too old and nobody will want to sexually harass her.
We need somebody who has been to the system, Kelly Stevens.
She was a sexy nuclear scientist in Superman four.
Getting near! Sits down right there.
Wait, what are we thinking? We should be on the bed.
Have a seat.
Is this better? I think it's worse.
You look familiar, did we date in the 80s? I should not call it a date.
I should go What do you say, can you help us put this business behind us and get back to normal? I have been in Hollywood for over 30 years and I have been propositioned, pressurised and groped by more middle-aged men in positions of power at the new have had Surrey eat was and now you are asking the to help those exact same men save their own disgusting sweaty skin and pretend it was all water under the bridge? Normal? Are you out of your mind? Equally I am a Hollywood actress in her mid-50s and it's the best offer I've had in over two decades so kind me in.
Great, I probably shouldn't touch you, in fact being alone with you any hotel room is not the best idea with my reputation! International news, after the world health organisation named Robert Gaby a goodwill ambassador The Robert Mugabe? A goodwill ambassador? They will have to revoke that.
Oh, they have, good, because I have read out stuff about him before and short version am not a great guy.
Very good.
The white faced cool look for Halloween.
I am not dressed up yet.
You would look like this if you had just come from a Brexit meeting.
Half of the Cabinet want no deal and a hard Brexit and the other half want and no deal because they think it.
Brexit but for some reason I have to keep saying we are hoping for a deal.
It will be fine you are the best Prime Minister we have currently got.
Thank you I think.
I have put £50 on complete economic meltdown by 2019 so we are quids in either way.
Will we be those frightening things at the Halloween party, you know, people? It's probably for the best because I can practice my Brussels smile.
Yes, very spooky.
Go and get your costume on.
Is it a free bar tonight? Who knows? Philip Hammond would agree to pay for anything until the last possible moment.
Red riding hood? I am from the handmaid 's tale.
A woman who serves a purpose for a group of heartless men but could be cast out and executed at any moment.
It's a girl box set rather than a boy box set.
I will drink your blood! You will give me nightmares like that time at the Tory conference and I'm losing my voice and the letters fall of the wall.
No, that happens.
Let's go bobbing for apples before the Bloodgate 30% tariff on them.
I like wearing this, I cannot see people not wanting to talk to me.
It's Donald Trump! No, it's just a fat pumpkin.
He is visiting next year, he will be a problem for Boris Johnson or David Davis, somebody Court of Appeal in session, case number 314, the Mayor of London and Transport for London versus Uber.
Miss Parker I believe you are ripped into Uber? That's correct.
Present your first witness.
My first witness is Hassan in a silver previous who will be in a year in four minutes.
Seven minutes.
Eight.
He's given up.
It will now be Alexey in a black Renault in three minutes.
He's gone to surge pricing, cancel.
Locating.
Locating.
Ms Parker? One minute away, at the end of the road.
What are you doing? Why are you spinning? He's gone.
The case rests.
Well, can we hear from the major? He's in a black cab and it won't go south of the river! Any joy? It's me, Brigitte How are you, petit President.
I am so frustrated with France.
You can't get anything done here.
I had a meeting the unions, three hours was lunch.
The other hour they were on strike.
They are so They are so, they are so French! All I want to do is crush the unions and take away workers' rights.
Why do people have a problem with that? You must be careful, you'll make yourself unpopular.
Mrs Thatcher did it and everybody loved her.
You don't really remember the '80s, do you.
Changement is slow in France.
Remember how long it took snow white to shave her arm pits.
I want it to be Daft Punk.
Not Serge You are not old.
I did not mean me! I mean this 1994 school year book.
It is when we met.
You look exactly the same.
There I am.
What a dweebe.
Most likely to become President before 40.
And married the drama teacher.
MUSIC FRENCH MUSIC You knew.
I knew.
I didn't care! All I could think about was how I could mare marry you and be the father to your trois Enfants.
Can you see the past would be wonderful.
If France was a truly modern country, there would be rules to say you could not marry your teacher.
I would be in prison.
Perhaps the old French ways are not so bad.
You can stink of gallois and still people think you are sophisticated.
Let us go to a three star restaurant.
You are the most beautiful woman alive.
Oh, my hip! Oh La-la! The time is coming up to some godforsaken time of the morning.
Ing cat ta lone ya is going to leave Spain.
It is like when blokes have affairs, they say they will leave their wives, but they never do! Don't do it Nicola.
It is only 21 seats.
We will win them back.
I'm not going in.
It is them over there.
Northern Ireland.
The DUP Why would they be doing that? They have stolen our thunder.
And our funding.
Before the last general election we were proud to be the most overfunded place of the UK.
The only place in the UK with free hospital parking.
Now they have got their Tory billions.
They will go up to the royal Victoria in Belfast, there all doing, doing a big shop.
Have to find a way to put Scotland back on top of the pile.
How can we do that when we've lost a third of our seats Shut up! I don't need reminding of that! Perhaps you're right.
Maybe the time has come for a consolidated power base.
A coalition with the Scottish Tories! We'll have to find another canny plan to get us back on the gravy train.
Two Highland whips, please.
We need something Scottish that the English like they want more of.
Then we'll be Top of the Pops again.
Hogmanay.
Everybody likes Hogmanay.
Scotland owns New Year's Eve.
The If only Hogmanay could be every day.
We'll call it "Operation groundhog.
" The fellas and tell them to fix it so when the New Year comes it never stops chiming.
Hang on.
What about that Jools Holland.
The people will be trapped in the studio listening to music forever.
No way.
They record that show in August! # She's going to break the news I need a present It's for the new grand sprog.
What about a hat? They are not crowny enough.
Or some booties? They're good.
I'll take two dozen for the dogs.
What about a teething ring? What is a teething ring.
When babies are born they don't have teeth.
They don't have teeth! Or you could get a play gym which is a good way to get exercise when they don't walk.
They don't walk and don't have teeth, what is the point of them.
What's this? That's not really suitable for newborns.
It is a boat that has little aeroplanes.
An aircraft carrier.
Oh The light out.
The baby? No, the baby.
Rev it up and have it sent to Highgrove.
You have to pay.
Oh you are funny! Can't see Breaking news Something about China.
Something about the President Wish they'd enlarge the font, or something! Hang on! He's strengthened his grip on power in a surprisingly authoritarian move.
Is that surprising in China? I'm not surprised.
Are you? Oh! Sorry! Well, the results Let's see what the public make of him then! I told you not to do that! People were asked if they viewed Vince Cable very favourably, somewhat favourably, somewhat unfavourably or the one even has ticked.
Comments included don't they have anyone new.
All he did was help the Tory.
Didn't he die in season six of Game of Thrones.
It's so hard to win from the centre these days.
Emmanuel Macron become President of France.
Well there is him.
Yeah.
We may need a way to turn that into that.
That into that? Yes.
That there into that there.
I mean, what's he got that he hasn't? The wife.
The wife thing.
Of course.
Bridgitte Macron, sensational at 64.
The public love the age gap.
They think it means love.
We need Vince Cable to get together with a lady 24 years older.
She'd be 98.
Tina, visit some old people's homes.
Only the cool ones.
Tell them he's on the market.
I like it - install some Cable today.
Maybe the first one.
Slip some Cable into your box.
Look on guardian solemates, see who is out there.
This is good - Katie, 98 loves music and movies.
Pro-remain.
A gap year in Sri Lanka.
When it says 98, that was the year she was Alexis, turn the music down! Trueing the new teenage edition for when your kids have moved from home and you're missing the darlings.
Come on buy milk.
You do it.
Buy more.
Can I have £50! Open curtains.
I'll do it later.
Turn off lights.
Are you like going through the menopause or something! ? The new Alexis teenage edition.
The perfect gadget for every empty-nester.
Alexis Alexis Alexis What? I've told you to leave your door open when Siri is around.
Do you love me too? I'm sorry, I don't understand the question.
Reminds you why you were happy to see them go in the first place.
What's the weather.
Stop shouting.
I'm not shouting.
You're shouting.
No, I'm not.
I hate you! Need to talk about a delicate matter to do with your image.
They are not discontinuing this lipstick.
No! It is the nation's favourite.
It is something to do with you personally.
Something you started doing when you were courting.
There You just did it then.
What? Don't be like that! No, I'm being you.
You roll the eyes when people test your patience.
You did it to Putin and the Trumps.
I do not roll my eyes.
I am afraid you do! Oh, my God! I'm rolling the eyes.
And I always thought I had such a serene and beautiful poker face at the summits.
I'm afraid not! Jo now they will know what I'm thinking.
Don't worry.
We will train you.
I will take you through every day situations.
All you must do is not roll the eyes.
The phone rings.
You pick it up.
You hear a teenage boy, you realise it is Theresa May Try harder! You're Chancellor! All right Try Trump My father's record on women's rights is very good.
As an entrepreneur and creator he is a force for gender equality.
Well done! That's OK! Enough with the nursery slopes! Do Donald.
You have disturbed me folks.
So good, it was a home run.
Beautiful words.
They were beautiful words.
But the fake media Germany owes us money.
Yes, they do! They owe us big! Oh, my Chancellor-erret - are you OK My powerful eye muscles flipped my entire body.
PHONE RINGS Hello.
It's Boris Johnson.
It's OK.
That one you're allowed.
Hello!