Tracey Breaks the News (2017) s02e01 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 1
1 This news just in The markets don't like uncertainty.
Oil pipeline in the pipeline.
Let me be clear Off the record.
How do I put this? And the answer iswe're out.
# She wants to be like She wants to see like # She wants to walk a mile in their shoes # Every day, a new sensation # How do you break it to the nation? # Tracey's gonna break the news # She wants to say this She wants to play this # She really hopes that nobody sues # Every day, a new sensation # Take it to the waking nation She's gonna faking well break the news.
Perimeter's secure.
You can go in, Miss Skripal.
Would you mind? The door handle.
Oh, crikey.
Yes, of course.
This is just temporary until we move you to the safe house.
Do you know if there is a Zizzi in the area? Because I have a lot of these gift vouchers.
I can check.
Are you sure that this place is secure? Ever since my statement last week was so misunderstood, I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I don't know if I can trust the Russian government, the British government, the Salisbury tourist board.
Don't worry, Miss Skripal, you are perfectly safe.
SHE GASPS "We know where you live.
" They know where I live.
"Because we know where you live, "we have to contact you about GDPR.
" "We have updated our privacy policy.
"Are you happy to keep receiving bricks?" What do I say? Just don't respond.
"This could be your last brick.
" But I don't even remember agreeing to receive bricks in the first place.
Birgit, is it just me, or am I starting to lose the confidence of the German people? Why would you say such a thing? Well, I've just been sent this photo on Twitter.
"You are starting to lose the confidence of the German people.
" That is very direct.
Even for a German.
Oh, Birgit, is the honeymoon really over after a mere 13 years? When I think of all I have sacrificed for this job - the sleep, the weekends, time with my husband.
You have a husband? Who did you think this was? I just thought it came with the frame.
So what do you think the problem is? It's partly the hair, but the tie is not helping.
Oh, no, not with him, with my popularity.
Oh, well, maybe you just need to reconnect with the German people.
And how do I do that? Well, I don't know.
You seem to have managed to keep your marriage ticking along all these years.
How do you keep that spark alive? Well, I, er SHE WHISPERS Well, you can't do that to all the German people! Not with my schedule, no.
You could get a bold new haircut.
But I got a bold new haircut only last week.
You did? Ja.
Why do you think that this side is all sexy-sexy, and this side just screams fiscal responsibility? Oh, ja, I see it now.
What, it's too subtle? A little.
You know what would really spice things up? An affair.
What? Cheat on Germany? Well, it might make them realise what they've got.
There are a lot of countries that would love a nice leader like you.
What about Italy? Are they looking for a new Prime Minister? Endlessly.
No, I think that the combination of me plus Italy is just too much sexy.
Well, how about Britain? They already have a leader.
That lady with the nice shoes that she can't walk in.
Yeah, but she's not popular.
Well, then the opposition will swoop in.
You'd think.
All I'm saying is, just think about it, hmm? You know, Birgit, you have helped me make a decision.
Really? So we are going to Britain? Nein.
Looking into her eyes has made me realise that there are worse countries to lead than Germany.
Coming soon to every single cinema screen anywhere near you.
Help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope.
They keep churning out Star Wars movies and no-one can stop them.
Lucasfilm presents a seemingly endless conveyor belt of Star Wars spin-offs.
Following the mild success of the young Han Solo film comes LIGHTSABER HUMS Blimey, the Force is strong with this one.
Then comes WOOKIEE NOISES COUGHING And that's followed by I don't know .
.
maybe? I thought I'd be able to stop doing this now I'm dead.
And you know what, I bet the ghost of Peter Cushing is still making more than me.
DOORBELL RINGS Good afternoon.
I won't shake, I'm in the middle of high tea and I'm up to my elbows in kidneys.
I'm here for the interview with Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Do come in.
Allow me to take your coat.
Thank you.
This is Nanny, by the way.
I'm sure you've heard of me.
I used to be his nanny, and now I'm Nanny to his children.
It's a most amusing scenario.
She's been in the family for 50 years.
You get less for murder.
Yes, thank you, Nanny.
Can I offer you some tea? Oh, yes.
Milk and sugar? Just milk.
CHILDREN CRYING There you go.
That's very kind of you.
Oh, he's a perfect gentleman, is Mr Rees-Mogg.
Whenever I'm making dinner or changing Sextus's nappy, he stays right out of my way.
Now, I forget in which publication this interview is to appear.
Oh, I'm sorry Perhaps I should begin by setting out to you the basis of my political philosophy.
Oh, I think What I believe in above all is hard work.
The fundamental problem with socialism, is that it creates a culture of dependency.
People expect things to be handed to them on a plate.
But that's not the way life works.
So instead of looking after the poor or the infirm, we must always encourage people Er Nmm.
.
HE SNIFFS Blow.
LOUD HONK .
.
to look after themselves.
I'm really sorry.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
I'm not here to interview you, Mr Rees-Mogg.
I'm here to be interviewed for the housekeeping position.
CUP SHATTERS What housekeeping position? Well, the advert said you were looking for an extra pair of hands.
I don't recall placing any such advert.
It's just But I fear you've had a wasted journey, because as you can see, I can manage perfectly well on my own.
CHILDREN WAILING American TV star Roseanne Barr has been in hot water for tweeting a tirade of thoughtless racist insults in the early hours of the morning.
Who does she think she is, President Trump? Right, I'm off to lunch.
I will see you in a bit.
What? No, you can't go.
Because of the dentist Anita is off sick.
So? Haven't you heard, it's now illegal to be just men in a room, without a woman present.
I don't think it is.
Yeah, I think I read about that in the papers.
Hashtag MeToo.
Right, yeah, no.
MeToo is about the harassment of women.
And if there's just men in a room, there are no women to be harassed.
They wouldn't make you put a woman in a room full of men.
Well, they have.
It started on panel shows and now it's everywhere.
Political correctness gone mad.
No, that's another issue, that's about representation and equality.
Half of society are women, so the workplace should try and reflect that.
What, so you're saying that we need MORE women? Well Shit! Tony, go and grab us some women before we become sexist.
No, grabbing women is the problem.
Political correctness gone mad.
Look, it's very simple.
Just afford women the same freedoms, rights and opportunities as men and don't mentally or physically abuse them.
What was the last bit again? You don't have to write it down.
Justtreat women with respect.
The same as men.
Yes.
So treat womenlike men.
Like one of the lads.
Here, Kirsty .
.
that Kirsty's a bit of all right, isn't she? No, don't define women by their gender.
Political correctness gone mad.
Shut up.
It's OK, I've found one.
Cancel the police.
Nobody called the police.
So much goes unreported.
You can go now, Kirsty.
We are all covered.
You want me hoover? Oh, yeah, sure.
No, wait, we're defining by gender.
That's women's work.
No, it isn't.
He's right.
What do you do when you're not cleaning? At weekends I go club, do dance.
Great, do that.
MUSIC PLAYS Phew! Headed that one off at the pass.
This is not solving the problem.
She's right.
Equal pay.
Come on, everyone.
Chuck money at her.
Well done, lads.
This could so easily have made us look bad.
To be clear, Arlene, you insist that Northern Ireland must be treated exactly like the rest of the UK except on the issue of abortion, where it must be completely different.
No, I don't see any contradictions there either.
Great to work with you.
Speak soon.
God, I hope not.
That came for you.
More shoes? Yes.
Buying shoes is my way of relieving stress.
That and closing libraries.
If only we could get a trade deal from somewhere, Philip.
Something that could really rally the country and shut Boris up for five minutes.
It is an awfully big box.
Yes, they use so much packaging.
Pull here.
And Witch hunt! Oh, Mr President.
What a pleasantshock.
I thought, hey, why don't I do a practice run to the united England? I wanted to avoid the crowds of people in the streets who all love me.
After this, you can post me to the North Korea summit.
I'm not going to the summit! I am going to the summit.
I am going and I'm not going to the summit.
So you came all the way in this box? Was it a good journey? It was tremendous.
I watched Black Panther on my phone.
You know, I truly believe that if I had been in that fight on that waterfall, for the Kingdom of Wakanda, I would have won it very easily.
A very popular king.
The best king.
Oh, what's that? Is that the Brexit button? Can I push it? No, don't.
That calls the SAS, so best not to.
You know what? Since he's here Oh, that's a good idea, Philip.
Donald, we would love for you to sign this, it's just a little trade deal to show the world that Brexit isn't a slow, creeping catastrophe.
Sorry, it's a HUGE trade deal.
Ooh! The biggest one of all time.
Oh, OK.
Well, I'll sign it.
But first, let's talk about me.
Who am I going to golf with when I come here? I mean, not you.
You're not famous.
And you're not hot.
We did speak to a number of golfing celebrities about that, but they say they're washing their hair.
All of them? No, some of them said they were dead.
Listen, I'm sure that a lot of people would love to play golf with you, and as soon as you sign this, we can call more of them.
Uh Wait, I want to threaten nuclear war with North Korea real quick.
I'm bored.
What are we doing now? Well, um, you're signing this trade deal.
No, I mean tonight.
What do you guys do on the weekend? I like to stay in and then I go to church.
Sometimes you mix things up a bit.
Yes, I go to church and then I stay in.
I don't believe in God.
I am very religious.
You're not going to church this weekend.
We're NOT going to go meet some porn stars, and we're NO going to hang out with them, and pay them 150K because we didn't bang them.
That sounds very interesting.
I'm going to go to Singapore now.
I might have a summit with North Korea.
Or I might have it with myself.
I can summit myself a lot and it can be very loving and meaningful.
Well, it's been lovely having you here.
Nice to meet you, Mr Merkel.
Hey, do you guys have a bathroom? There isn't one in this box.
Er, yes, it's Uh-oh, too late.
You guys have a towel? In health news, Jamie Oliver has been lobbying MPs to ban cartoon characters on unhealthy cereal packaging.
Want to put them off the stuff? Just stick Jamie Oliver's mug on the boxes.
Bosh - job done.
It's no good, Nicola.
I've scrubbed and I've scrubbed, but they still smell of London.
A wee rub of Glenmorangie should do the trick.
Oh, that's better.
Thanks for coming to get me from Westminster, Nicola.
I hate it down south.
Aye, it was nae bother.
I had to pop down anyway, to spray-paint "Judas" on the Regent Street branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
Hang on A cup AND a straw.
Nicola, what are you doing? Scotland leads the way in plastic reduction.
We're the first to ban cotton buds and straws.
Aye, I know.
All of that waste plastic created a huge floating plastic island out there in the sea.
It's a disgrace.
No, it's an opportunity.
We shouldn't be reducing our plastic use, we should be increasing it.
Why? Well, think about it.
The Chinese are using plastics to make runways.
The Colombians are using it to make houses.
So what if we used plastics to make more Scotland? More Scotland? Aye.
What, as big as England? Bigger! Make us the major landmass in the UK.
See how they like being the little stuck on bit, full of angry people.
We could make them get the sleeper train to us, instead of the other way around.
I'm calling it Operation - Scotland's Rubbish.
Well, that's just a working title.
It starts by putting all the discarded plastic into the Firth of Forth, it moves out to the North Sea, more plastic, all the plastics.
We'll wrap chips in plastic, make plastic bagpipes SHE GASPS Plastic bags to carry plastic bags.
And I'm doing my bit, look.
I've got plastic bottles, I've got plastic cups, I've got plastic sandwich wrappers.
You didn't really think I was going to eat coronation bloody chicken? Quick, we're on the East Coast Mainline.
We could get it direct into the sea from here.
Hey, not yet, wee Mhairi, we're only in Berwick-upon-Tweed.
Wait until we cross the border.
The last thing we want to do is accidentally make more England.
Wait a second.
Are we getting a wee bit carried away? I mean, when you think about it, what's more important? The entire future of this fragile planet Earth, or Scotland? TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen, we are now entering Scotland That's it! Are you all right in there? It's better than the new US embassy.
Ow! Careful with that.
It's got the President of the United States in it.
Whoa Ow! Oh, my hair! JAUNTY MUSIC Morning, Mr Nookie.
That's a nice juicy pear.
I was just thinking the same thing.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Saucy! Morning, Nurse Baps.
Morning, Doctor Willie.
So, Mr Nookie, is it swollen this morning? It is now.
Oh, cheeky! Oh Sorry, I can't do this.
I really can't take it any more.
I've just done a triple shift.
Um Er, I mean, I've been up for 48 hours.
I bet that's sore.
But, no, in all seriousness, we are just so under resourced.
I mean, we've got more managers than we do medical staff.
Talk about top heavy.
I'll say! Come along, Doctor.
Get a grip.
You've got a massive backlog.
That's just the way he's standing! Right, then.
Came in with acute sinusitis, then contracted MRSA.
Oh, he's all stiff.
Sounds promising.
No, I mean he's dead.
Oh, not another one.
I love looking after people, butit's getting so hard.
Phwoar! No, the NHS is on the brink.
We need 50 billion by 2030, all the foreign nurses are leaving because of the government's hostile environment, and we do not have enough beds.
I don't mind doubling up! A man in your condition shouldn't be getting so much excitement.
PAGER BEEPS Oh, Mr Nookie, bad news.
I'm afraid your operation has been cancelled.
You what? It's just a routine NHS operation and our NHS routine is to cancel them.
Oh, not again.
Oh, my ticker.
Nurse, do something! I am.
I'm moving to Australia.
They're crying out for nurses down there and the pay is double.
What? You can't just leave on the promise of better pay and conditions and Actually, hold up, I'm coming too.
Wait, you can't go down under without asking first.
Don't leave me, I've got acute angina! Acute angina? Ha-ha Oh, forget it.
An undocumented migrant who scaled the outside of a Paris apartment block to rescue a child dangling from a balcony has been awarded French citizenship.
If only the Windrush lot were still nimble enough to climb, Amber Rudd might still be in a job.
Christ, it's early.
Oh, what a bloody nuisance, having to let rooms out on Airbnb.
But Charles said that the wedding cost a few guineas more than expected.
So now he's got me on a tight financial rein.
Would anyone like breakfast? Yes, please.
There you are, my darlings.
Oh! Not you two.
Bloody hell! Toast? Yes, please.
Oh, you see, the trouble with his organic shit is that it goes mouldy.
Still, it's probably good for you.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Now, would you like anything to drink? Yes, please.
Gin or vodka? Um Coffee? Christ, one of those health nuts.
How do you take it, gin or vodka? Milk? Well, it's out there in the cow.
Do help yourselves.
Just pull the bit at the bottom.
Sugar? One, please.
There we go.
There we go.
CLICKS TONGUE Steady boy, steady boy.
Well, I trust you'll give us a good review.
I think it's important to be honest.
But I think it is equally important not to commit treason.
She's gonna faking well, faking well, faking well break the news.
Oh, it's Jezza.
Oh, hey, Jeremy.
Jez.
Jezza! It's Jez! Oh, Jeremy Corbyn.
All right, lads.
Selfies all-round, is it? Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Here we are.
I'm going to pop the hat on.
Stay on brand.
You might want to put that on social media, promote the gig.
What gig? What gig? Oh, you've been out of the country.
We're doing a massive rally at White Hart Lane .
.
Recreation Ground.
Labour Live.
You might want to come along, if you can still get tickets.
You CAN still get tickets.
Oh, selfies all-round, is it? Ah I'm very angry with you, Mr Corbyn.
You need to do more about the anti-Semites in your party.
I hear you.
I am all over it like cream cheese on a bagel.
It's all right to say that, is it? Some of the guys you hang around with are very bad people.
Yeah, well, it's very good talking to you.
Right.
Bit awkward.
But I want you to know that I'm completely on top of all this Jewish stuff, lads.
I've spoken to every single anti-Semite in the Labour Party and I've told them, in no uncertain terms, tone it down a bit.
Actually, I've always been very careful about the company that I keep.
Jeremy? Gerry Adams.
Oh, God.
How the hell are you, you old devil? Well, I'm fine, actually.
What are you doing here? Well, I always promised myself when I retired from Sinn Fein I'd come to London and do all the touristy stuff - Madame Tussauds, the London Eye I got a few funny looks at Buckingham Palace, but, sure, what can you do? Friends of yours? Admirers.
Quite right too.
He's my kind of guy, this fella.
In the real rabble-rouser back in the day.
Some of the stuff you used to say, at those old Bobby Sands commemorations.
Lads, will you take a selfie of us? Oh, oh, well, is this really necessary? Everybody's just obsessed with photographs nowadays.
I'll tell you one thing, Jeremy was always a great supporter of the Republican armed struggle.
I'm going to have to correct you there, Gerry.
All I ever tried to do in Northern Ireland was bring about peace.
I never supported the military campaign.
No.
And I was never a member of the IRA.
Is that the time? Well, could we car share, lads? Yeah, the environment and all that.
I'll see you around, Gerry.
Slan! You can drop me anywhere.
Bit awkward.
I barely know the bloke.
Jeremy Corbyn? Yeah, that's right.
It's me, Ismail from Hamas.
Oh, bloody hell! How are you, my friend? I haven't seen you since you invited me to the House of Commons.
It was you, me those guys from Hezbollah.
Raheem Stirling's tattoo of a machine gun on his calf continues to cause controversy.
Stirling says he got the tattoo to remember his father, who was killed by machine gun fire.
For similar reasons, I've got a tattoo of a packet of Woodbine unfiltered just here on my boob.
Dead classy.
Are you a Remoaner, who's scared about life after Brexit? Worried you'll be forced to queue for hours at passport control while the rest of the EU walks by, laughing at you? Well, you should be, you big British eejit.
But don't worry - Paddy passports can help.
The deadline for Brexit is fast approaching, so join the 160,000 Brits who have already applied for an Irish passport.
Presumably one that says "I'm still European, "so don't fecking hate me.
" Our dedicated team will trawl through your ancestry and find some kind of Irish relative who qualifies you.
Sure, everyone's a bit Irish, aren't they? Paddy passports helped me remember that my own mother was from Dublin.
So the next time you see me playing Mrs Brown IN IRISH ACCENT: .
.
it'll be the fecking other one.
If we can't find even a Bono of Irish in you, don't stress yourself now - we also have thousands of authentic Irish men and women ready and waiting to tie the knot.
I'll share my frictionless borders with any British man and he can take me to a country where it rains marginally less and I don't have to vote to get access to a safe abortion.
Everyone's a winner! And we don't just do Ireland.
Now we sort passports for Remainers with tenuous links to any EU country.
My hubby realised his pops was bally Greek, so we both got one.
So now, when the family nips over to Santorini, we'll get to laugh at Wills and Kate stuck in the British queue.
So, don't delay, go to passports4EU.
com now.
Not available in blue.
Ooh, fancy.
Mr Southgate.
Are you room service? Only I asked for a bag of plain crisps about an hour ago.
We represent Russian government.
SHE SNARLS We do not represent Russian government.
Neither did men who made prank call to Boris Johnson.
No.
Though that was hilarious.
Sorry, what do you want? Listen carefully.
England will go out of World Cup in first round.
Yeah, well, everyone says that, but I think if we can get Sterling fed well from the wings, we've got a fighting chance to No, listen! England will lose first match 5-0.
Well, yeah, that is a possibility, but I think with our midfield engine of Dier and Alli Mr Southgate, we are trying to threaten you.
Yes, it would be great shame if beautiful hand were to get trap in Corby trouser press.
Ah! Nothing is going to stand in the way of Russia winning World Cup.
What, you mean you really think that we could stand in your way, like we've got a chance this year? I knew it.
All this team needed was a leader that inspires confidence and composure.
Yeah, that is who we should be talking to.
Where is this great leader? No, I meant me.
Is this the right man? Yes.
READING FROM DOSSIER: .
.
Gareth Southgate.
Euro '96 Missed penalty.
Yeah, that was one time! Are these players that you use for World Cup? Yeah.
In this formation? Yeah? Ugh Forget that we say anything.
Come on.
Let us go and threaten more dangerous sides like Panama or the great sporting nation of Saudi Arabia.
WH Smith has been voted the worst shop on the high street in a poll conducted by Which? magazine.
Customers ranked its Don't people ever get tired of voting in this country? Honestly, just enjoy the time off.
It's a bloody stationery shop, we all know it's shit, why do we need to have a vote about it? Shouldn't we all just get a life? Hey, why not vote now? Vote on that.
Hello! My name is Carl, and I've been asked here today to do some work around trust by your boss, Michael Gove.
Yes, trust.
It's so important.
Can I just say that I am 100% behind you here, Carl? Thank you.
WHISPERING: I'm not sure about Carl.
So, for our first exercise, someone is going to let themselves fall backwards and Michael is going to catch them.
Cherry, if you'd like to help out here.
Don't worry, Cherry, I can categorically assure you that you have my total support in relation to this exercise.
So you promise you'll catch me? I can unequivocally state that I will definitely catch you.
Right, Cherry, in three, two, one.
Ow! You moved.
Yes, I was fully committed to catching you, but then I realised that in all good conscience I could not do so, so I decided instead, not to.
Why do you think that was, Michael? I don't know.
But I think the fact that I made a difficult and unpopular decision proves that I am a man of principle.
OK, maybe let's try something else.
Tom, I'm going to ask you and Michael to stand facing each other, join hands, and simply look each other in the eye for 20 seconds, OK? SQUELCHING SOUND It's probably just sweat.
I don't excrete a resin.
OK.
And time starts now.
And time's up.
Michael, how was that for you? I actually feel much closer to Tom, like there is now an unspoken bond of trust between us.
That's great.
And what about you, Tom? Tom? It's possible that I have absorbed his soul.
OK.
If I could have another volunteer, or Or maybe I'll do this one myself.
I'm going to put on this blindfold, and Michael is going to guide me to those apples over there, avoiding all the obstacles in the room.
And you have my unwavering assistance in this matter.
Wonderful.
Forward, forward, forward, forward, stop.
And turn right, and left, and turn left.
And forward, forward, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more, a bit more ARGH! CRASH! Well, that's lunch.
Don't worry, I won't run off without paying.
Oil pipeline in the pipeline.
Let me be clear Off the record.
How do I put this? And the answer iswe're out.
# She wants to be like She wants to see like # She wants to walk a mile in their shoes # Every day, a new sensation # How do you break it to the nation? # Tracey's gonna break the news # She wants to say this She wants to play this # She really hopes that nobody sues # Every day, a new sensation # Take it to the waking nation She's gonna faking well break the news.
Perimeter's secure.
You can go in, Miss Skripal.
Would you mind? The door handle.
Oh, crikey.
Yes, of course.
This is just temporary until we move you to the safe house.
Do you know if there is a Zizzi in the area? Because I have a lot of these gift vouchers.
I can check.
Are you sure that this place is secure? Ever since my statement last week was so misunderstood, I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I don't know if I can trust the Russian government, the British government, the Salisbury tourist board.
Don't worry, Miss Skripal, you are perfectly safe.
SHE GASPS "We know where you live.
" They know where I live.
"Because we know where you live, "we have to contact you about GDPR.
" "We have updated our privacy policy.
"Are you happy to keep receiving bricks?" What do I say? Just don't respond.
"This could be your last brick.
" But I don't even remember agreeing to receive bricks in the first place.
Birgit, is it just me, or am I starting to lose the confidence of the German people? Why would you say such a thing? Well, I've just been sent this photo on Twitter.
"You are starting to lose the confidence of the German people.
" That is very direct.
Even for a German.
Oh, Birgit, is the honeymoon really over after a mere 13 years? When I think of all I have sacrificed for this job - the sleep, the weekends, time with my husband.
You have a husband? Who did you think this was? I just thought it came with the frame.
So what do you think the problem is? It's partly the hair, but the tie is not helping.
Oh, no, not with him, with my popularity.
Oh, well, maybe you just need to reconnect with the German people.
And how do I do that? Well, I don't know.
You seem to have managed to keep your marriage ticking along all these years.
How do you keep that spark alive? Well, I, er SHE WHISPERS Well, you can't do that to all the German people! Not with my schedule, no.
You could get a bold new haircut.
But I got a bold new haircut only last week.
You did? Ja.
Why do you think that this side is all sexy-sexy, and this side just screams fiscal responsibility? Oh, ja, I see it now.
What, it's too subtle? A little.
You know what would really spice things up? An affair.
What? Cheat on Germany? Well, it might make them realise what they've got.
There are a lot of countries that would love a nice leader like you.
What about Italy? Are they looking for a new Prime Minister? Endlessly.
No, I think that the combination of me plus Italy is just too much sexy.
Well, how about Britain? They already have a leader.
That lady with the nice shoes that she can't walk in.
Yeah, but she's not popular.
Well, then the opposition will swoop in.
You'd think.
All I'm saying is, just think about it, hmm? You know, Birgit, you have helped me make a decision.
Really? So we are going to Britain? Nein.
Looking into her eyes has made me realise that there are worse countries to lead than Germany.
Coming soon to every single cinema screen anywhere near you.
Help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope.
They keep churning out Star Wars movies and no-one can stop them.
Lucasfilm presents a seemingly endless conveyor belt of Star Wars spin-offs.
Following the mild success of the young Han Solo film comes LIGHTSABER HUMS Blimey, the Force is strong with this one.
Then comes WOOKIEE NOISES COUGHING And that's followed by I don't know .
.
maybe? I thought I'd be able to stop doing this now I'm dead.
And you know what, I bet the ghost of Peter Cushing is still making more than me.
DOORBELL RINGS Good afternoon.
I won't shake, I'm in the middle of high tea and I'm up to my elbows in kidneys.
I'm here for the interview with Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Do come in.
Allow me to take your coat.
Thank you.
This is Nanny, by the way.
I'm sure you've heard of me.
I used to be his nanny, and now I'm Nanny to his children.
It's a most amusing scenario.
She's been in the family for 50 years.
You get less for murder.
Yes, thank you, Nanny.
Can I offer you some tea? Oh, yes.
Milk and sugar? Just milk.
CHILDREN CRYING There you go.
That's very kind of you.
Oh, he's a perfect gentleman, is Mr Rees-Mogg.
Whenever I'm making dinner or changing Sextus's nappy, he stays right out of my way.
Now, I forget in which publication this interview is to appear.
Oh, I'm sorry Perhaps I should begin by setting out to you the basis of my political philosophy.
Oh, I think What I believe in above all is hard work.
The fundamental problem with socialism, is that it creates a culture of dependency.
People expect things to be handed to them on a plate.
But that's not the way life works.
So instead of looking after the poor or the infirm, we must always encourage people Er Nmm.
.
HE SNIFFS Blow.
LOUD HONK .
.
to look after themselves.
I'm really sorry.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
I'm not here to interview you, Mr Rees-Mogg.
I'm here to be interviewed for the housekeeping position.
CUP SHATTERS What housekeeping position? Well, the advert said you were looking for an extra pair of hands.
I don't recall placing any such advert.
It's just But I fear you've had a wasted journey, because as you can see, I can manage perfectly well on my own.
CHILDREN WAILING American TV star Roseanne Barr has been in hot water for tweeting a tirade of thoughtless racist insults in the early hours of the morning.
Who does she think she is, President Trump? Right, I'm off to lunch.
I will see you in a bit.
What? No, you can't go.
Because of the dentist Anita is off sick.
So? Haven't you heard, it's now illegal to be just men in a room, without a woman present.
I don't think it is.
Yeah, I think I read about that in the papers.
Hashtag MeToo.
Right, yeah, no.
MeToo is about the harassment of women.
And if there's just men in a room, there are no women to be harassed.
They wouldn't make you put a woman in a room full of men.
Well, they have.
It started on panel shows and now it's everywhere.
Political correctness gone mad.
No, that's another issue, that's about representation and equality.
Half of society are women, so the workplace should try and reflect that.
What, so you're saying that we need MORE women? Well Shit! Tony, go and grab us some women before we become sexist.
No, grabbing women is the problem.
Political correctness gone mad.
Look, it's very simple.
Just afford women the same freedoms, rights and opportunities as men and don't mentally or physically abuse them.
What was the last bit again? You don't have to write it down.
Justtreat women with respect.
The same as men.
Yes.
So treat womenlike men.
Like one of the lads.
Here, Kirsty .
.
that Kirsty's a bit of all right, isn't she? No, don't define women by their gender.
Political correctness gone mad.
Shut up.
It's OK, I've found one.
Cancel the police.
Nobody called the police.
So much goes unreported.
You can go now, Kirsty.
We are all covered.
You want me hoover? Oh, yeah, sure.
No, wait, we're defining by gender.
That's women's work.
No, it isn't.
He's right.
What do you do when you're not cleaning? At weekends I go club, do dance.
Great, do that.
MUSIC PLAYS Phew! Headed that one off at the pass.
This is not solving the problem.
She's right.
Equal pay.
Come on, everyone.
Chuck money at her.
Well done, lads.
This could so easily have made us look bad.
To be clear, Arlene, you insist that Northern Ireland must be treated exactly like the rest of the UK except on the issue of abortion, where it must be completely different.
No, I don't see any contradictions there either.
Great to work with you.
Speak soon.
God, I hope not.
That came for you.
More shoes? Yes.
Buying shoes is my way of relieving stress.
That and closing libraries.
If only we could get a trade deal from somewhere, Philip.
Something that could really rally the country and shut Boris up for five minutes.
It is an awfully big box.
Yes, they use so much packaging.
Pull here.
And Witch hunt! Oh, Mr President.
What a pleasantshock.
I thought, hey, why don't I do a practice run to the united England? I wanted to avoid the crowds of people in the streets who all love me.
After this, you can post me to the North Korea summit.
I'm not going to the summit! I am going to the summit.
I am going and I'm not going to the summit.
So you came all the way in this box? Was it a good journey? It was tremendous.
I watched Black Panther on my phone.
You know, I truly believe that if I had been in that fight on that waterfall, for the Kingdom of Wakanda, I would have won it very easily.
A very popular king.
The best king.
Oh, what's that? Is that the Brexit button? Can I push it? No, don't.
That calls the SAS, so best not to.
You know what? Since he's here Oh, that's a good idea, Philip.
Donald, we would love for you to sign this, it's just a little trade deal to show the world that Brexit isn't a slow, creeping catastrophe.
Sorry, it's a HUGE trade deal.
Ooh! The biggest one of all time.
Oh, OK.
Well, I'll sign it.
But first, let's talk about me.
Who am I going to golf with when I come here? I mean, not you.
You're not famous.
And you're not hot.
We did speak to a number of golfing celebrities about that, but they say they're washing their hair.
All of them? No, some of them said they were dead.
Listen, I'm sure that a lot of people would love to play golf with you, and as soon as you sign this, we can call more of them.
Uh Wait, I want to threaten nuclear war with North Korea real quick.
I'm bored.
What are we doing now? Well, um, you're signing this trade deal.
No, I mean tonight.
What do you guys do on the weekend? I like to stay in and then I go to church.
Sometimes you mix things up a bit.
Yes, I go to church and then I stay in.
I don't believe in God.
I am very religious.
You're not going to church this weekend.
We're NOT going to go meet some porn stars, and we're NO going to hang out with them, and pay them 150K because we didn't bang them.
That sounds very interesting.
I'm going to go to Singapore now.
I might have a summit with North Korea.
Or I might have it with myself.
I can summit myself a lot and it can be very loving and meaningful.
Well, it's been lovely having you here.
Nice to meet you, Mr Merkel.
Hey, do you guys have a bathroom? There isn't one in this box.
Er, yes, it's Uh-oh, too late.
You guys have a towel? In health news, Jamie Oliver has been lobbying MPs to ban cartoon characters on unhealthy cereal packaging.
Want to put them off the stuff? Just stick Jamie Oliver's mug on the boxes.
Bosh - job done.
It's no good, Nicola.
I've scrubbed and I've scrubbed, but they still smell of London.
A wee rub of Glenmorangie should do the trick.
Oh, that's better.
Thanks for coming to get me from Westminster, Nicola.
I hate it down south.
Aye, it was nae bother.
I had to pop down anyway, to spray-paint "Judas" on the Regent Street branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
Hang on A cup AND a straw.
Nicola, what are you doing? Scotland leads the way in plastic reduction.
We're the first to ban cotton buds and straws.
Aye, I know.
All of that waste plastic created a huge floating plastic island out there in the sea.
It's a disgrace.
No, it's an opportunity.
We shouldn't be reducing our plastic use, we should be increasing it.
Why? Well, think about it.
The Chinese are using plastics to make runways.
The Colombians are using it to make houses.
So what if we used plastics to make more Scotland? More Scotland? Aye.
What, as big as England? Bigger! Make us the major landmass in the UK.
See how they like being the little stuck on bit, full of angry people.
We could make them get the sleeper train to us, instead of the other way around.
I'm calling it Operation - Scotland's Rubbish.
Well, that's just a working title.
It starts by putting all the discarded plastic into the Firth of Forth, it moves out to the North Sea, more plastic, all the plastics.
We'll wrap chips in plastic, make plastic bagpipes SHE GASPS Plastic bags to carry plastic bags.
And I'm doing my bit, look.
I've got plastic bottles, I've got plastic cups, I've got plastic sandwich wrappers.
You didn't really think I was going to eat coronation bloody chicken? Quick, we're on the East Coast Mainline.
We could get it direct into the sea from here.
Hey, not yet, wee Mhairi, we're only in Berwick-upon-Tweed.
Wait until we cross the border.
The last thing we want to do is accidentally make more England.
Wait a second.
Are we getting a wee bit carried away? I mean, when you think about it, what's more important? The entire future of this fragile planet Earth, or Scotland? TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen, we are now entering Scotland That's it! Are you all right in there? It's better than the new US embassy.
Ow! Careful with that.
It's got the President of the United States in it.
Whoa Ow! Oh, my hair! JAUNTY MUSIC Morning, Mr Nookie.
That's a nice juicy pear.
I was just thinking the same thing.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Saucy! Morning, Nurse Baps.
Morning, Doctor Willie.
So, Mr Nookie, is it swollen this morning? It is now.
Oh, cheeky! Oh Sorry, I can't do this.
I really can't take it any more.
I've just done a triple shift.
Um Er, I mean, I've been up for 48 hours.
I bet that's sore.
But, no, in all seriousness, we are just so under resourced.
I mean, we've got more managers than we do medical staff.
Talk about top heavy.
I'll say! Come along, Doctor.
Get a grip.
You've got a massive backlog.
That's just the way he's standing! Right, then.
Came in with acute sinusitis, then contracted MRSA.
Oh, he's all stiff.
Sounds promising.
No, I mean he's dead.
Oh, not another one.
I love looking after people, butit's getting so hard.
Phwoar! No, the NHS is on the brink.
We need 50 billion by 2030, all the foreign nurses are leaving because of the government's hostile environment, and we do not have enough beds.
I don't mind doubling up! A man in your condition shouldn't be getting so much excitement.
PAGER BEEPS Oh, Mr Nookie, bad news.
I'm afraid your operation has been cancelled.
You what? It's just a routine NHS operation and our NHS routine is to cancel them.
Oh, not again.
Oh, my ticker.
Nurse, do something! I am.
I'm moving to Australia.
They're crying out for nurses down there and the pay is double.
What? You can't just leave on the promise of better pay and conditions and Actually, hold up, I'm coming too.
Wait, you can't go down under without asking first.
Don't leave me, I've got acute angina! Acute angina? Ha-ha Oh, forget it.
An undocumented migrant who scaled the outside of a Paris apartment block to rescue a child dangling from a balcony has been awarded French citizenship.
If only the Windrush lot were still nimble enough to climb, Amber Rudd might still be in a job.
Christ, it's early.
Oh, what a bloody nuisance, having to let rooms out on Airbnb.
But Charles said that the wedding cost a few guineas more than expected.
So now he's got me on a tight financial rein.
Would anyone like breakfast? Yes, please.
There you are, my darlings.
Oh! Not you two.
Bloody hell! Toast? Yes, please.
Oh, you see, the trouble with his organic shit is that it goes mouldy.
Still, it's probably good for you.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Now, would you like anything to drink? Yes, please.
Gin or vodka? Um Coffee? Christ, one of those health nuts.
How do you take it, gin or vodka? Milk? Well, it's out there in the cow.
Do help yourselves.
Just pull the bit at the bottom.
Sugar? One, please.
There we go.
There we go.
CLICKS TONGUE Steady boy, steady boy.
Well, I trust you'll give us a good review.
I think it's important to be honest.
But I think it is equally important not to commit treason.
She's gonna faking well, faking well, faking well break the news.
Oh, it's Jezza.
Oh, hey, Jeremy.
Jez.
Jezza! It's Jez! Oh, Jeremy Corbyn.
All right, lads.
Selfies all-round, is it? Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Here we are.
I'm going to pop the hat on.
Stay on brand.
You might want to put that on social media, promote the gig.
What gig? What gig? Oh, you've been out of the country.
We're doing a massive rally at White Hart Lane .
.
Recreation Ground.
Labour Live.
You might want to come along, if you can still get tickets.
You CAN still get tickets.
Oh, selfies all-round, is it? Ah I'm very angry with you, Mr Corbyn.
You need to do more about the anti-Semites in your party.
I hear you.
I am all over it like cream cheese on a bagel.
It's all right to say that, is it? Some of the guys you hang around with are very bad people.
Yeah, well, it's very good talking to you.
Right.
Bit awkward.
But I want you to know that I'm completely on top of all this Jewish stuff, lads.
I've spoken to every single anti-Semite in the Labour Party and I've told them, in no uncertain terms, tone it down a bit.
Actually, I've always been very careful about the company that I keep.
Jeremy? Gerry Adams.
Oh, God.
How the hell are you, you old devil? Well, I'm fine, actually.
What are you doing here? Well, I always promised myself when I retired from Sinn Fein I'd come to London and do all the touristy stuff - Madame Tussauds, the London Eye I got a few funny looks at Buckingham Palace, but, sure, what can you do? Friends of yours? Admirers.
Quite right too.
He's my kind of guy, this fella.
In the real rabble-rouser back in the day.
Some of the stuff you used to say, at those old Bobby Sands commemorations.
Lads, will you take a selfie of us? Oh, oh, well, is this really necessary? Everybody's just obsessed with photographs nowadays.
I'll tell you one thing, Jeremy was always a great supporter of the Republican armed struggle.
I'm going to have to correct you there, Gerry.
All I ever tried to do in Northern Ireland was bring about peace.
I never supported the military campaign.
No.
And I was never a member of the IRA.
Is that the time? Well, could we car share, lads? Yeah, the environment and all that.
I'll see you around, Gerry.
Slan! You can drop me anywhere.
Bit awkward.
I barely know the bloke.
Jeremy Corbyn? Yeah, that's right.
It's me, Ismail from Hamas.
Oh, bloody hell! How are you, my friend? I haven't seen you since you invited me to the House of Commons.
It was you, me those guys from Hezbollah.
Raheem Stirling's tattoo of a machine gun on his calf continues to cause controversy.
Stirling says he got the tattoo to remember his father, who was killed by machine gun fire.
For similar reasons, I've got a tattoo of a packet of Woodbine unfiltered just here on my boob.
Dead classy.
Are you a Remoaner, who's scared about life after Brexit? Worried you'll be forced to queue for hours at passport control while the rest of the EU walks by, laughing at you? Well, you should be, you big British eejit.
But don't worry - Paddy passports can help.
The deadline for Brexit is fast approaching, so join the 160,000 Brits who have already applied for an Irish passport.
Presumably one that says "I'm still European, "so don't fecking hate me.
" Our dedicated team will trawl through your ancestry and find some kind of Irish relative who qualifies you.
Sure, everyone's a bit Irish, aren't they? Paddy passports helped me remember that my own mother was from Dublin.
So the next time you see me playing Mrs Brown IN IRISH ACCENT: .
.
it'll be the fecking other one.
If we can't find even a Bono of Irish in you, don't stress yourself now - we also have thousands of authentic Irish men and women ready and waiting to tie the knot.
I'll share my frictionless borders with any British man and he can take me to a country where it rains marginally less and I don't have to vote to get access to a safe abortion.
Everyone's a winner! And we don't just do Ireland.
Now we sort passports for Remainers with tenuous links to any EU country.
My hubby realised his pops was bally Greek, so we both got one.
So now, when the family nips over to Santorini, we'll get to laugh at Wills and Kate stuck in the British queue.
So, don't delay, go to passports4EU.
com now.
Not available in blue.
Ooh, fancy.
Mr Southgate.
Are you room service? Only I asked for a bag of plain crisps about an hour ago.
We represent Russian government.
SHE SNARLS We do not represent Russian government.
Neither did men who made prank call to Boris Johnson.
No.
Though that was hilarious.
Sorry, what do you want? Listen carefully.
England will go out of World Cup in first round.
Yeah, well, everyone says that, but I think if we can get Sterling fed well from the wings, we've got a fighting chance to No, listen! England will lose first match 5-0.
Well, yeah, that is a possibility, but I think with our midfield engine of Dier and Alli Mr Southgate, we are trying to threaten you.
Yes, it would be great shame if beautiful hand were to get trap in Corby trouser press.
Ah! Nothing is going to stand in the way of Russia winning World Cup.
What, you mean you really think that we could stand in your way, like we've got a chance this year? I knew it.
All this team needed was a leader that inspires confidence and composure.
Yeah, that is who we should be talking to.
Where is this great leader? No, I meant me.
Is this the right man? Yes.
READING FROM DOSSIER: .
.
Gareth Southgate.
Euro '96 Missed penalty.
Yeah, that was one time! Are these players that you use for World Cup? Yeah.
In this formation? Yeah? Ugh Forget that we say anything.
Come on.
Let us go and threaten more dangerous sides like Panama or the great sporting nation of Saudi Arabia.
WH Smith has been voted the worst shop on the high street in a poll conducted by Which? magazine.
Customers ranked its Don't people ever get tired of voting in this country? Honestly, just enjoy the time off.
It's a bloody stationery shop, we all know it's shit, why do we need to have a vote about it? Shouldn't we all just get a life? Hey, why not vote now? Vote on that.
Hello! My name is Carl, and I've been asked here today to do some work around trust by your boss, Michael Gove.
Yes, trust.
It's so important.
Can I just say that I am 100% behind you here, Carl? Thank you.
WHISPERING: I'm not sure about Carl.
So, for our first exercise, someone is going to let themselves fall backwards and Michael is going to catch them.
Cherry, if you'd like to help out here.
Don't worry, Cherry, I can categorically assure you that you have my total support in relation to this exercise.
So you promise you'll catch me? I can unequivocally state that I will definitely catch you.
Right, Cherry, in three, two, one.
Ow! You moved.
Yes, I was fully committed to catching you, but then I realised that in all good conscience I could not do so, so I decided instead, not to.
Why do you think that was, Michael? I don't know.
But I think the fact that I made a difficult and unpopular decision proves that I am a man of principle.
OK, maybe let's try something else.
Tom, I'm going to ask you and Michael to stand facing each other, join hands, and simply look each other in the eye for 20 seconds, OK? SQUELCHING SOUND It's probably just sweat.
I don't excrete a resin.
OK.
And time starts now.
And time's up.
Michael, how was that for you? I actually feel much closer to Tom, like there is now an unspoken bond of trust between us.
That's great.
And what about you, Tom? Tom? It's possible that I have absorbed his soul.
OK.
If I could have another volunteer, or Or maybe I'll do this one myself.
I'm going to put on this blindfold, and Michael is going to guide me to those apples over there, avoiding all the obstacles in the room.
And you have my unwavering assistance in this matter.
Wonderful.
Forward, forward, forward, forward, stop.
And turn right, and left, and turn left.
And forward, forward, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more, a bit more ARGH! CRASH! Well, that's lunch.
Don't worry, I won't run off without paying.