Traffic Light (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Hey, Mike, what's up? You know, kicking back, having a cold one.
Enjoying the good life.
You are hiding in your car watching Iron Man right now, aren't you? Parked a block away from the house.
As soon as I get home, Lisa puts me on the second shift, so it's good.
You know, it still shocks me that a lawyer who basically kicks ass for a living has to hide in his car just to carve a little "me time.
" Hey, kids change everything.
You'll see, Adam.
I mean, they're great, but you'll see.
Would you stop with the "you'll see" stuff? Seriously.
Me and Callie are just moving in together.
It's not a big deal.
Hold on a sec.
I got Ethan calling me.
Ethan, I'm on the other line with Mike.
I'll call you back.
Oh, conference me in, man.
All right.
All right, we're all on the phone here.
Hey, Carl's here.
Say hi.
Hey, Carl.
Are you driving Carl to his walk? Carl's a bulldog.
This is his walk.
You know, if you treated your girlfriends half as well as you treat, Carl, I wouldn't be the only one of us married.
What are you talking about, man? I treat my girlfriends like goddesses.
Yeah, you treat them great for, like, three weeks.
I'd rather have three weeks of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Did you just quote Steel Magnolias? Yes, I did.
Yes, he did.
Oh, hey, guess who scored us floor seats on the 27th.
No! That's amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing except the 27th is the same day as Ben's thing.
That's the 27th? Yeah.
Classic Ben; worst roommate ever.
What are you talking about? Need I remind you of the constant blaring of Chumbawamba? I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again And you're never gonna keep me down, I get Oh, hold on a second.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting pulled over.
I gotta call you guys tomorrow.
No, no, no, no! Leave us on.
I want to hear this.
Yeah, keep us on! All right, just don't say anything, okay? Okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
Do you know why I pulled you over? Don't admit anything.
Who's that? I'm his lawyer.
Michael, please.
I got it.
Uh, I'm sorry, Officer.
I got a little distracted there.
I've been going through a lot today.
Yeah, he's moving in with his girlfriend.
That's great.
License, registration.
I mean, it's really not that big of a deal, you know? She's been sleeping over almost every night this month, so Trust me, it's a big deal.
You getting her a present? Oh, yeah.
Should I? I know I'd appreciate it.
Okay, so, like, what do I get her, like like a necklace? Bath salts! Bath salts show you care! No bath salts.
Get her something you two can use together like a video game or some nice stemware.
Hey, Officer, do you think I should get my girlfriend something for our one-month anniversary? I'm kinda in uncharted territory Sorry.
and I don't want to get her bath salts.
How many people you got on that phone? No, bath salts! Uh, there's, I-I got, uh They love bath salts.
There's two people.
They're my friends on the phone here.
Here you go.
No, bath salts! They love bath salts.
Something wrong with your friends.
Oh, God, Lisa's coming.
Phone silence.
Um, so, do you think you could just be quiet for a second? I'm really sorry.
Don't listen to that.
Hey.
Hey.
Remember how we talked about you helping out a little bit more? Yeah.
He's had his dinner.
I'll be back in a half an hour.
Okay.
Look.
Yeah, look.
Love you! Hey, guys, think Tommy's too young for Iron Man? No, no, he's not too young.
Yes, of cour He's one and a half years old.
No Don't show that child Iron Man.
Traffic Light Pilot Okay.
All right, I think we have come to an age where we are done moving you.
You know what? You know what? I think the futon period in my life is over.
Let's get rid of it.
Oh, finally.
Let's put it over here.
Yeah, no, this is good.
The neighbors will totally appreciate this.
Aw, baby, that's your first futon.
Oh, that's a great picture.
Come on.
Oh, my God, guys, check it out.
Look at how young you look.
Look at Ben.
Ah, Ethan, I didn't know you were on the team.
What, just 'cause I'm British? Of course I was on the team.
Yeah, he was the equipment manager.
Which is a vital part of the team.
Yeah, maybe in Britain.
Oh, so you didn't actually play.
I played.
I absolutely played.
Well, Ben and I convinced the coach to let him suit up for the final game.
Yeah, and in my defense, I did make my mark.
Yeah! And you know what? I'm still the holder of the school record for career on-base percentage.
Heads up! Wow, you still got it.
That was my grandmother's.
Oh, you guys got new dishes together? Adam, you're so domesticated.
Aw We'll be right up.
Domesticated my butt.
Whoo! Oh, I think I just took a picture.
Oh, no.
Oh, did you do that on purpose? You know, maybe I did, maybe I did not.
That's okay.
I'll forward it to you later.
I'll be checking my e-mail continuously.
I have great boobs.
No one's arguing with you there.
Hey, I just read that piece you wrote on the five ways your boss manipulates you.
That's some good stuff, man.
What was the third way again? Oh, uh, it's the one where your boss makes you feel insecure about your job by constantly referring to the tough economic times.
Despicable, yeah.
You know, these are some tough times, though, with the print media.
I mean, the magazines are being taken down like that! It's a tough time to be out of work.
Listen, I have to ask you a favor.
I had a hunch.
My son's having his bar mitzvah next week and my ex-wife has been turning him against me.
So I'm trying to win him back.
Smart.
So I promised I'd throw him the best damn bar mitzvah party he's ever been to.
How can I help? Well, my son is a nut for these crazy wrestlers on TV.
You read my article.
Yeah, that's some good stuff.
The boy is obsessed with the Sawing Clown.
Now, I need you to get him and maybe a few other wrestlers to perform at the party that night, you know? You think you can do it that? Absolutely, yes.
Me and the Sawing Clown actually hit it off, so All right, man, good talk.
A team player, man.
You dodged a bullet.
Ah, just kidding.
No, not really.
I mean, you guys say "schedule," we say "shedule," but we both say "wedgie.
" Ethan Oh, no, wait.
That's a breakup "Ethan.
" You're breaking up with me.
Why, is it because you think I won't commit? I know you won't commit.
No, I can, I can, I can commit.
I mean, for short bursts of time followed by long stretches of freedom.
Is that all right? Sherry broke up with me.
Oh, no! How'd she do? Oh, yeah, total pro.
No scenes.
I got to give her a ten.
It doesn't matter, you know? I mean, I just gotta get back out there.
Can you go out tonight? Uh, yeah, yeah, I think I can make that work.
Cool.
I'll call Mike.
See if he can get out.
Hey, I know it's the day before Ben's thing, but next Saturday I have to go to this charity event where they're honoring my boss.
It'll be super boring.
I need you to come.
What? Why? You don't even want to go.
Yeah, I know, but I have to go so it looks like I care.
And if you are there, then it'll look like I care twice as much.
Lisa! Michael! Come on.
Come on.
Okay, I will count this as you helping out a little more.
And who loves a helper? I do.
Me, Mrs.
O'Reilly does.
Okay, all right, fine.
I will go, but we are gonna have a couple of drinks, make fun of people.
Oh, oh, yes, we will.
Yes, we will.
Yes, we will.
Hey, it's Ethan calling.
Hey, Ethan.
I got Lisa in the car.
Say hello.
Her car's in the shop.
Oh, hey, Lisa.
Hi, Ethan.
Okay, Mike, I'll call you later.
Bye.
That was weird.
Why'd you tell Ethan I was in the car? I was being polite.
Mm-hmm.
Well, the way he hung up so fast, it made me feel like he wanted to talk about something with you that he couldn't in front of me.
No, Ethan's crazy.
He was Hmm No.
What? No.
No.
All right, well, um, here's a fun experiment: the next time one of the guys calls, don't tell them I'm here.
It'll be like a like a game! Great.
Good, yeah.
Game on.
Game on.
Bring it.
Oh, it's been brung.
All right.
What were you thinking? You hung up too quickly.
Now Lisa's gonna be suspicious.
I know, I know.
I could feel it.
I'm so sorry for you.
No, you don't understand.
I'm married.
I have a kid.
I love my family, but in order for me to carve out a little time for myself, I have to be able to control the information.
But you know who the real enemy here is, right? No.
Technology.
What? And you've invited it into your house like you were friends.
What's happened to us? Yeah.
Well, to you.
All right, baby, watch this.
Crosscourt smash! Yeah, you won, all right.
Again.
It's not a big deal.
I'm not upset about that.
Oh, okay.
You won't mind if I hit a few balls into the stands? It's all right if you want to be a sore winner.
Winner.
"Winner," key word.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, where are you, man? You still coming out, right? Uh, we'll see.
What do you mean, "We'll see"? All right, you take care.
No, wait, wait.
What the hell was that about? He's asking for permission.
Permission? Not permission exactly.
No, he's looking for her blessing.
Blessing? You'll see.
So, it was Ethan.
Oh? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, him and Mike are gonna get some beers.
Cool.
Yeah, it's cool.
It's pretty cool.
Gonna watch a football game, you know.
Just Actually, they invited me to go with them.
You know, which could be fun.
In theory theoretically, it would be a fun thing.
Oh.
Yeah, okay, you should do that, I mean, if that's what you want to do.
No, no.
No, because I would rather be here with you, you know? That's more important to me.
Aw, I'd rather be here with you, too.
Okay.
You know what the best part about living together is? You never have to make any plans.
Every night is date night.
Yeah.
Never really thought of that.
It's like we're on a big forever date.
Mmm.
Here's where you made your mistake.
You framed the issue wrong.
You can't act like you want to go out with us because it's gonna be fun.
I can't? No, you can't.
How would you know? Mike explained the whole thing to me in the bar last night.
It's fascinating.
Apparently, what you need to do is act like you don't want to go out.
I don't know, you know? We're just starting out here.
I don't want to build my relationship on lying.
It's not lying.
It's not lying.
It's not lying.
Which reminds me: I will be driving Lisa to and from work for the next couple of days, so when you call, if I cough twice it means Lisa's in the car.
Got that? Hey, can we get three specials, please? Hi.
Sure.
I like that shirt, Jenny.
It makes your breasts look really good.
Thank you.
Pleasure.
That is amazing that you can get away with that.
I could never get away with that.
The only reason why you do is because of that stupid accent.
It's not the accent.
It's the vibe.
Which has to be: "I'm not trying to sleep with you.
"I've already got a lot planned for the day, "but I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to acknowledge the beauty of your breasts.
" That worked really well.
Boom.
You don't linger because that's when it gets creepy.
Hey, Adam, how's it going? Uh-oh.
You know what? I just ran another yellow light.
I'm getting pulled over, buddy.
I gotta call you back.
Okay, buddy, all right.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay, bye.
Idiot.
What? I didn't tell him you were here.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, look, perfect.
It's Ethan.
So don't say I'm here again.
Oh, yeah, Hi, Lisa.
Really? You're using signals now? Your breasts look really great in that shirt.
No, no.
Still creepy.
Good-bye, Ethan.
I get knocked down and I get up again Oh.
No, no, no, no.
My boss is going to kill me.
What do you mean the Sawing Clown's not coming? - He promised he was going to come.
- I don't know what to tell you, man.
I called him last night and he was like, "We'll see, we'll see.
" I don't know what that's supposed to mean.
His fiancée didn't give him permission to go.
Permission? No, it's not permission exactly.
It's more like he's looking for her blessing.
You know what he did? He framed the issue wrong.
Totally.
This is ever going to work.
Sure it is.
because no one's ever seen the Sawing Clown out of costume.
So we're going to get you in the clown suit, put on a little bit of makeup.
You've already got the height.
You've got the physique.
Yeah, I guess I do.
I mean Aw, come on, I don't know.
This is crazy.
Got to do this for me, buddy, okay? Got to.
Because if I don't pull this off, Marty's going to fire me.
I can't lose my job right now.
You got to help me.
I still got the guns.
Those guns.
You know, Ethan could never pull this off.
Equipment manager? Please.
I know.
Okay.
I'll do it if you cover my share for the band for Ben thing.
I don't know.
Yes.
Yes, I will, okay? Because you can't put a price on friendship.
No, you can't.
Amen.
Hey, honey.
Hi.
How was walking Becca's dog? Total crotch sniffer.
We made a lot of friends.
Guess what we are doing tonight? What's that? Lining the shelves.
Hmm, wetting the what? I know it's soul suckingly boring, but we got to do it.
You want to measure or cut? How could a man chose? Hello.
Hey, think you can get out tonight? Yes.
It's Ethan.
He's shattered over Sherry breaking up with him.
Really? He's crushed.
It's insane.
Don't be ridiculous, buddy.
You have plenty of stuff to live for.
Yeah, like going out tonight.
I've got a call into Mike.
You in? Um Would you get ahold of yourself, man? You're going to meet somebody else, okay, I promise.
Yeah, probably tonight.
Say "maybe" if you're going to go.
All I can say to that is maybe.
Godspeed.
Wow, poor Ethan.
Poor me, you know.
I'm sick of it.
You know, he calls me because he wants me to go out with him so that he can tell me how depressed he is.
It's just a bummer.
I'm not going to do it.
Sweetie, you have to go.
He's your good friend.
But I've been there for him enough already.
You know, I want to be here for you.
I want to spend time with you.
Um, also I want to cut the shelf paper.
You know what, I'm gonna go with you.
We can comfort Ethan together, huh? You know what, I I'm not sure that's So I woke up this morning and I found one of her T-shirts.
I just sat there and cried.
For two hours.
Oh, Ethan.
Does anyone have a tissue, please? Yeah.
Thank you.
Sherry.
Callie called me.
I had no idea how much you cared about me.
Ah.
That is amazing.
It's amazing.
You didn't do all your own makeup, did you? Oh, I did.
No, this? This is all me.
Watch this.
Pretty good, huh? I think you missed your calling.
I may have.
It's Lisa.
Hold on.
Hello.
Hey, did you get the directions? I left them on the kitchen table.
What directions? To my boss' thing.
Please tell me you didn't forget.
I The, uh, the fund-raiser.
That's today.
Uh Yes, yes, it's today, Michael.
No.
No, today you're my clown.
Uh, no, I did not forget.
No, at all.
Just, I'm working, that's all.
Brian called you in on a Saturday? Yeah, exactly, Saturday.
I'm was like, that's crazy.
I, you know, I should be home with the family, but you know what, forget it.
I'm going to call him, and I'm just I'm going to come home.
I'm going to come do your thing.
No, it's more important.
I got my priorities straight.
I don't need to be making partner anytime soon.
I mean with the kid and everything No, honey, honey, no, no.
I feel bad.
Don't, don't.
Are you sure? Yeah, it's okay.
It's okay.
I'll just go solo to this thing.
All right, have a good day.
And I love you.
I love you, too, baby.
All right, bye.
Dodged a bullet.
Let's do this thing! Thank God.
Mr.
Dodds, Hi.
Lisa, how are you? Good.
Just so you know, you have to hold Okay, hey, guys, wanted to work out our moves here.
I've been studying the Sawing Clown a little bit.
So I figured I'd start off with the circus drop.
You know, give the kids a good opening.
What are you talking about? Uh, okay, I know I haven't, like, technically wrestled, but, you know, it's basically just acting.
We're not actors, we're athletes.
Okay, okay.
Come on, guys.
Seriously? Word of advice-- I was an athlete in college.
You don't really want to throw that word around, so Look, I'll start off with a circus drop and then we'll take it from there.
Come on, let's have fun out there.
Hey, guys, you only get one bar mitzvah.
So let's give 'em a good show.
MAN And now in honor of Jeremy becoming a man, Satan's jester-- the Sawing Clown! Yeah! It's good.
Yes.
What the hell are you doing?! Awesome! So, yeah Oh, my God.
Well, I'm sorry your husband couldn't make it.
Me, too, but he's a lawyer.
He takes his job very seriously.
Adam.
Hi, Lisa.
Michael? Hey, Lisa.
You remember my boss-- Tony Dodds.
How's it going? How you doing? So you'll be doing bath time for the next two weeks.
Goes without saying.
And there will be two yet-to-be-determined spa getaways for me and my sister.
As there should be.
And you will throw away that old college T-shirt you wear every weekend.
I love that you still love me.
Well, you may be a clown, but you're my clown.
Do I look like a talk show host to you in this? No, you look hot.
Okay, fine.
Um, before we go to Ben's thing, I just kind of want to talk to you about something.
Um, like, I know that moving in together can be stressful.
And I can see where couples could start to, um, to mislead each other.
Can I go first? Uh, okay.
Um, remember a couple days ago when I said I had to walk Becca's dog? Yeah.
I made it up.
What? I needed some time for myself, and I didn't know how to tell you, so I just I made up a friend named Rebecca, and well, then I shortened it to Becca.
You obviously put a lot of thought into that one.
Sort of.
The nickname thing is what really takes it up to the next level.
I'm sorry.
I just should have told you.
That's okay.
We all do dumb stuff.
Ben and I played baseball here in high school, and then again at the University of Illinois.
He was a lot better than me.
But he was a great athlete.
He was also a pretty eccentric guy, which made him a lot more lovable.
When we were freshmen, Ben and I met Mike and Ethan, and we decided that we would drive to Chicago for the weekend.
And Ben insisted that we take surface streets the whole way, which just seemed crazy to me.
There's got to be 10,000 traffic lights between Champaign and Chicago.
But he insisted.
He said, on the Interstate, you know exactly what you're going to get.
It's just a straight line and a lot of fast food.
But on a road with traffic lights, it's a whole different story.
Sometimes the light's green.
You enjoy the open road wondering what's out there for you.
Sometimes the light's yellow.
You slow down, you get your bearings and you think if this is someplace you might want to stop.
And sometimes the light's red.
You take a moment, and you realize that where you are is pretty good.
In fact, it's exactly where you need to be.
Of course, a trip that should have taken three hours ended up taking about ten.
But, um, on that trip, the four of us formed a lifelong bond.
And we miss Ben every single day, but he did leave us with a lot of gifts.
The greatest of which is our friendship.
And so today we dedicate this field to our friend Ben Foster.
Oh, come on! Guys, I'm never going to finish Iron Man.
Just please, tell me how it ends.
Iron man wins.
He wins? Really? It's called Iron Man.
Of course he wins.
Guys, spoiler alert.
Carl has not seen it.
Oh, you cannot be serious.
You're not going to believe this.
It is the exact You? Hi.
Hi, Officer.
Are you following me? Are you? Are you talking to your friends again? Yeah, that's us.
Hey, good to hear you, cop lady.
Say hi, Carl.
License and registration.
Right.
So how's it going with the girlfriend? Oh, good.
Thank you.
Oh, good? It's going great.
I've never seen him this happy.
You got a picture? Yeah, it's right It's on the license, if you I think she means of Callie.
Thank you, Ethan.
I got one on my cell phone.
I'm sorry.
Here you go.
Those are nice.
You got a picture of her face? What? Oh, God, that's the topless Topless?! That was just a joke, Officer.
Whoa, whoa, topless?! Wait a minute! Where? How? Okay, please stop.
What's going on? She's very symmetrical.
Thank you.
Don't blow it.
No, no, Officer, I won't.
That's what they all say.
I get knocked down but I get up again You're never going to keep me down
Enjoying the good life.
You are hiding in your car watching Iron Man right now, aren't you? Parked a block away from the house.
As soon as I get home, Lisa puts me on the second shift, so it's good.
You know, it still shocks me that a lawyer who basically kicks ass for a living has to hide in his car just to carve a little "me time.
" Hey, kids change everything.
You'll see, Adam.
I mean, they're great, but you'll see.
Would you stop with the "you'll see" stuff? Seriously.
Me and Callie are just moving in together.
It's not a big deal.
Hold on a sec.
I got Ethan calling me.
Ethan, I'm on the other line with Mike.
I'll call you back.
Oh, conference me in, man.
All right.
All right, we're all on the phone here.
Hey, Carl's here.
Say hi.
Hey, Carl.
Are you driving Carl to his walk? Carl's a bulldog.
This is his walk.
You know, if you treated your girlfriends half as well as you treat, Carl, I wouldn't be the only one of us married.
What are you talking about, man? I treat my girlfriends like goddesses.
Yeah, you treat them great for, like, three weeks.
I'd rather have three weeks of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Did you just quote Steel Magnolias? Yes, I did.
Yes, he did.
Oh, hey, guess who scored us floor seats on the 27th.
No! That's amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing except the 27th is the same day as Ben's thing.
That's the 27th? Yeah.
Classic Ben; worst roommate ever.
What are you talking about? Need I remind you of the constant blaring of Chumbawamba? I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again And you're never gonna keep me down, I get Oh, hold on a second.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting pulled over.
I gotta call you guys tomorrow.
No, no, no, no! Leave us on.
I want to hear this.
Yeah, keep us on! All right, just don't say anything, okay? Okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
Do you know why I pulled you over? Don't admit anything.
Who's that? I'm his lawyer.
Michael, please.
I got it.
Uh, I'm sorry, Officer.
I got a little distracted there.
I've been going through a lot today.
Yeah, he's moving in with his girlfriend.
That's great.
License, registration.
I mean, it's really not that big of a deal, you know? She's been sleeping over almost every night this month, so Trust me, it's a big deal.
You getting her a present? Oh, yeah.
Should I? I know I'd appreciate it.
Okay, so, like, what do I get her, like like a necklace? Bath salts! Bath salts show you care! No bath salts.
Get her something you two can use together like a video game or some nice stemware.
Hey, Officer, do you think I should get my girlfriend something for our one-month anniversary? I'm kinda in uncharted territory Sorry.
and I don't want to get her bath salts.
How many people you got on that phone? No, bath salts! Uh, there's, I-I got, uh They love bath salts.
There's two people.
They're my friends on the phone here.
Here you go.
No, bath salts! They love bath salts.
Something wrong with your friends.
Oh, God, Lisa's coming.
Phone silence.
Um, so, do you think you could just be quiet for a second? I'm really sorry.
Don't listen to that.
Hey.
Hey.
Remember how we talked about you helping out a little bit more? Yeah.
He's had his dinner.
I'll be back in a half an hour.
Okay.
Look.
Yeah, look.
Love you! Hey, guys, think Tommy's too young for Iron Man? No, no, he's not too young.
Yes, of cour He's one and a half years old.
No Don't show that child Iron Man.
Traffic Light Pilot Okay.
All right, I think we have come to an age where we are done moving you.
You know what? You know what? I think the futon period in my life is over.
Let's get rid of it.
Oh, finally.
Let's put it over here.
Yeah, no, this is good.
The neighbors will totally appreciate this.
Aw, baby, that's your first futon.
Oh, that's a great picture.
Come on.
Oh, my God, guys, check it out.
Look at how young you look.
Look at Ben.
Ah, Ethan, I didn't know you were on the team.
What, just 'cause I'm British? Of course I was on the team.
Yeah, he was the equipment manager.
Which is a vital part of the team.
Yeah, maybe in Britain.
Oh, so you didn't actually play.
I played.
I absolutely played.
Well, Ben and I convinced the coach to let him suit up for the final game.
Yeah, and in my defense, I did make my mark.
Yeah! And you know what? I'm still the holder of the school record for career on-base percentage.
Heads up! Wow, you still got it.
That was my grandmother's.
Oh, you guys got new dishes together? Adam, you're so domesticated.
Aw We'll be right up.
Domesticated my butt.
Whoo! Oh, I think I just took a picture.
Oh, no.
Oh, did you do that on purpose? You know, maybe I did, maybe I did not.
That's okay.
I'll forward it to you later.
I'll be checking my e-mail continuously.
I have great boobs.
No one's arguing with you there.
Hey, I just read that piece you wrote on the five ways your boss manipulates you.
That's some good stuff, man.
What was the third way again? Oh, uh, it's the one where your boss makes you feel insecure about your job by constantly referring to the tough economic times.
Despicable, yeah.
You know, these are some tough times, though, with the print media.
I mean, the magazines are being taken down like that! It's a tough time to be out of work.
Listen, I have to ask you a favor.
I had a hunch.
My son's having his bar mitzvah next week and my ex-wife has been turning him against me.
So I'm trying to win him back.
Smart.
So I promised I'd throw him the best damn bar mitzvah party he's ever been to.
How can I help? Well, my son is a nut for these crazy wrestlers on TV.
You read my article.
Yeah, that's some good stuff.
The boy is obsessed with the Sawing Clown.
Now, I need you to get him and maybe a few other wrestlers to perform at the party that night, you know? You think you can do it that? Absolutely, yes.
Me and the Sawing Clown actually hit it off, so All right, man, good talk.
A team player, man.
You dodged a bullet.
Ah, just kidding.
No, not really.
I mean, you guys say "schedule," we say "shedule," but we both say "wedgie.
" Ethan Oh, no, wait.
That's a breakup "Ethan.
" You're breaking up with me.
Why, is it because you think I won't commit? I know you won't commit.
No, I can, I can, I can commit.
I mean, for short bursts of time followed by long stretches of freedom.
Is that all right? Sherry broke up with me.
Oh, no! How'd she do? Oh, yeah, total pro.
No scenes.
I got to give her a ten.
It doesn't matter, you know? I mean, I just gotta get back out there.
Can you go out tonight? Uh, yeah, yeah, I think I can make that work.
Cool.
I'll call Mike.
See if he can get out.
Hey, I know it's the day before Ben's thing, but next Saturday I have to go to this charity event where they're honoring my boss.
It'll be super boring.
I need you to come.
What? Why? You don't even want to go.
Yeah, I know, but I have to go so it looks like I care.
And if you are there, then it'll look like I care twice as much.
Lisa! Michael! Come on.
Come on.
Okay, I will count this as you helping out a little more.
And who loves a helper? I do.
Me, Mrs.
O'Reilly does.
Okay, all right, fine.
I will go, but we are gonna have a couple of drinks, make fun of people.
Oh, oh, yes, we will.
Yes, we will.
Yes, we will.
Hey, it's Ethan calling.
Hey, Ethan.
I got Lisa in the car.
Say hello.
Her car's in the shop.
Oh, hey, Lisa.
Hi, Ethan.
Okay, Mike, I'll call you later.
Bye.
That was weird.
Why'd you tell Ethan I was in the car? I was being polite.
Mm-hmm.
Well, the way he hung up so fast, it made me feel like he wanted to talk about something with you that he couldn't in front of me.
No, Ethan's crazy.
He was Hmm No.
What? No.
No.
All right, well, um, here's a fun experiment: the next time one of the guys calls, don't tell them I'm here.
It'll be like a like a game! Great.
Good, yeah.
Game on.
Game on.
Bring it.
Oh, it's been brung.
All right.
What were you thinking? You hung up too quickly.
Now Lisa's gonna be suspicious.
I know, I know.
I could feel it.
I'm so sorry for you.
No, you don't understand.
I'm married.
I have a kid.
I love my family, but in order for me to carve out a little time for myself, I have to be able to control the information.
But you know who the real enemy here is, right? No.
Technology.
What? And you've invited it into your house like you were friends.
What's happened to us? Yeah.
Well, to you.
All right, baby, watch this.
Crosscourt smash! Yeah, you won, all right.
Again.
It's not a big deal.
I'm not upset about that.
Oh, okay.
You won't mind if I hit a few balls into the stands? It's all right if you want to be a sore winner.
Winner.
"Winner," key word.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, where are you, man? You still coming out, right? Uh, we'll see.
What do you mean, "We'll see"? All right, you take care.
No, wait, wait.
What the hell was that about? He's asking for permission.
Permission? Not permission exactly.
No, he's looking for her blessing.
Blessing? You'll see.
So, it was Ethan.
Oh? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, him and Mike are gonna get some beers.
Cool.
Yeah, it's cool.
It's pretty cool.
Gonna watch a football game, you know.
Just Actually, they invited me to go with them.
You know, which could be fun.
In theory theoretically, it would be a fun thing.
Oh.
Yeah, okay, you should do that, I mean, if that's what you want to do.
No, no.
No, because I would rather be here with you, you know? That's more important to me.
Aw, I'd rather be here with you, too.
Okay.
You know what the best part about living together is? You never have to make any plans.
Every night is date night.
Yeah.
Never really thought of that.
It's like we're on a big forever date.
Mmm.
Here's where you made your mistake.
You framed the issue wrong.
You can't act like you want to go out with us because it's gonna be fun.
I can't? No, you can't.
How would you know? Mike explained the whole thing to me in the bar last night.
It's fascinating.
Apparently, what you need to do is act like you don't want to go out.
I don't know, you know? We're just starting out here.
I don't want to build my relationship on lying.
It's not lying.
It's not lying.
It's not lying.
Which reminds me: I will be driving Lisa to and from work for the next couple of days, so when you call, if I cough twice it means Lisa's in the car.
Got that? Hey, can we get three specials, please? Hi.
Sure.
I like that shirt, Jenny.
It makes your breasts look really good.
Thank you.
Pleasure.
That is amazing that you can get away with that.
I could never get away with that.
The only reason why you do is because of that stupid accent.
It's not the accent.
It's the vibe.
Which has to be: "I'm not trying to sleep with you.
"I've already got a lot planned for the day, "but I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to acknowledge the beauty of your breasts.
" That worked really well.
Boom.
You don't linger because that's when it gets creepy.
Hey, Adam, how's it going? Uh-oh.
You know what? I just ran another yellow light.
I'm getting pulled over, buddy.
I gotta call you back.
Okay, buddy, all right.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay, bye.
Idiot.
What? I didn't tell him you were here.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, look, perfect.
It's Ethan.
So don't say I'm here again.
Oh, yeah, Hi, Lisa.
Really? You're using signals now? Your breasts look really great in that shirt.
No, no.
Still creepy.
Good-bye, Ethan.
I get knocked down and I get up again Oh.
No, no, no, no.
My boss is going to kill me.
What do you mean the Sawing Clown's not coming? - He promised he was going to come.
- I don't know what to tell you, man.
I called him last night and he was like, "We'll see, we'll see.
" I don't know what that's supposed to mean.
His fiancée didn't give him permission to go.
Permission? No, it's not permission exactly.
It's more like he's looking for her blessing.
You know what he did? He framed the issue wrong.
Totally.
This is ever going to work.
Sure it is.
because no one's ever seen the Sawing Clown out of costume.
So we're going to get you in the clown suit, put on a little bit of makeup.
You've already got the height.
You've got the physique.
Yeah, I guess I do.
I mean Aw, come on, I don't know.
This is crazy.
Got to do this for me, buddy, okay? Got to.
Because if I don't pull this off, Marty's going to fire me.
I can't lose my job right now.
You got to help me.
I still got the guns.
Those guns.
You know, Ethan could never pull this off.
Equipment manager? Please.
I know.
Okay.
I'll do it if you cover my share for the band for Ben thing.
I don't know.
Yes.
Yes, I will, okay? Because you can't put a price on friendship.
No, you can't.
Amen.
Hey, honey.
Hi.
How was walking Becca's dog? Total crotch sniffer.
We made a lot of friends.
Guess what we are doing tonight? What's that? Lining the shelves.
Hmm, wetting the what? I know it's soul suckingly boring, but we got to do it.
You want to measure or cut? How could a man chose? Hello.
Hey, think you can get out tonight? Yes.
It's Ethan.
He's shattered over Sherry breaking up with him.
Really? He's crushed.
It's insane.
Don't be ridiculous, buddy.
You have plenty of stuff to live for.
Yeah, like going out tonight.
I've got a call into Mike.
You in? Um Would you get ahold of yourself, man? You're going to meet somebody else, okay, I promise.
Yeah, probably tonight.
Say "maybe" if you're going to go.
All I can say to that is maybe.
Godspeed.
Wow, poor Ethan.
Poor me, you know.
I'm sick of it.
You know, he calls me because he wants me to go out with him so that he can tell me how depressed he is.
It's just a bummer.
I'm not going to do it.
Sweetie, you have to go.
He's your good friend.
But I've been there for him enough already.
You know, I want to be here for you.
I want to spend time with you.
Um, also I want to cut the shelf paper.
You know what, I'm gonna go with you.
We can comfort Ethan together, huh? You know what, I I'm not sure that's So I woke up this morning and I found one of her T-shirts.
I just sat there and cried.
For two hours.
Oh, Ethan.
Does anyone have a tissue, please? Yeah.
Thank you.
Sherry.
Callie called me.
I had no idea how much you cared about me.
Ah.
That is amazing.
It's amazing.
You didn't do all your own makeup, did you? Oh, I did.
No, this? This is all me.
Watch this.
Pretty good, huh? I think you missed your calling.
I may have.
It's Lisa.
Hold on.
Hello.
Hey, did you get the directions? I left them on the kitchen table.
What directions? To my boss' thing.
Please tell me you didn't forget.
I The, uh, the fund-raiser.
That's today.
Uh Yes, yes, it's today, Michael.
No.
No, today you're my clown.
Uh, no, I did not forget.
No, at all.
Just, I'm working, that's all.
Brian called you in on a Saturday? Yeah, exactly, Saturday.
I'm was like, that's crazy.
I, you know, I should be home with the family, but you know what, forget it.
I'm going to call him, and I'm just I'm going to come home.
I'm going to come do your thing.
No, it's more important.
I got my priorities straight.
I don't need to be making partner anytime soon.
I mean with the kid and everything No, honey, honey, no, no.
I feel bad.
Don't, don't.
Are you sure? Yeah, it's okay.
It's okay.
I'll just go solo to this thing.
All right, have a good day.
And I love you.
I love you, too, baby.
All right, bye.
Dodged a bullet.
Let's do this thing! Thank God.
Mr.
Dodds, Hi.
Lisa, how are you? Good.
Just so you know, you have to hold Okay, hey, guys, wanted to work out our moves here.
I've been studying the Sawing Clown a little bit.
So I figured I'd start off with the circus drop.
You know, give the kids a good opening.
What are you talking about? Uh, okay, I know I haven't, like, technically wrestled, but, you know, it's basically just acting.
We're not actors, we're athletes.
Okay, okay.
Come on, guys.
Seriously? Word of advice-- I was an athlete in college.
You don't really want to throw that word around, so Look, I'll start off with a circus drop and then we'll take it from there.
Come on, let's have fun out there.
Hey, guys, you only get one bar mitzvah.
So let's give 'em a good show.
MAN And now in honor of Jeremy becoming a man, Satan's jester-- the Sawing Clown! Yeah! It's good.
Yes.
What the hell are you doing?! Awesome! So, yeah Oh, my God.
Well, I'm sorry your husband couldn't make it.
Me, too, but he's a lawyer.
He takes his job very seriously.
Adam.
Hi, Lisa.
Michael? Hey, Lisa.
You remember my boss-- Tony Dodds.
How's it going? How you doing? So you'll be doing bath time for the next two weeks.
Goes without saying.
And there will be two yet-to-be-determined spa getaways for me and my sister.
As there should be.
And you will throw away that old college T-shirt you wear every weekend.
I love that you still love me.
Well, you may be a clown, but you're my clown.
Do I look like a talk show host to you in this? No, you look hot.
Okay, fine.
Um, before we go to Ben's thing, I just kind of want to talk to you about something.
Um, like, I know that moving in together can be stressful.
And I can see where couples could start to, um, to mislead each other.
Can I go first? Uh, okay.
Um, remember a couple days ago when I said I had to walk Becca's dog? Yeah.
I made it up.
What? I needed some time for myself, and I didn't know how to tell you, so I just I made up a friend named Rebecca, and well, then I shortened it to Becca.
You obviously put a lot of thought into that one.
Sort of.
The nickname thing is what really takes it up to the next level.
I'm sorry.
I just should have told you.
That's okay.
We all do dumb stuff.
Ben and I played baseball here in high school, and then again at the University of Illinois.
He was a lot better than me.
But he was a great athlete.
He was also a pretty eccentric guy, which made him a lot more lovable.
When we were freshmen, Ben and I met Mike and Ethan, and we decided that we would drive to Chicago for the weekend.
And Ben insisted that we take surface streets the whole way, which just seemed crazy to me.
There's got to be 10,000 traffic lights between Champaign and Chicago.
But he insisted.
He said, on the Interstate, you know exactly what you're going to get.
It's just a straight line and a lot of fast food.
But on a road with traffic lights, it's a whole different story.
Sometimes the light's green.
You enjoy the open road wondering what's out there for you.
Sometimes the light's yellow.
You slow down, you get your bearings and you think if this is someplace you might want to stop.
And sometimes the light's red.
You take a moment, and you realize that where you are is pretty good.
In fact, it's exactly where you need to be.
Of course, a trip that should have taken three hours ended up taking about ten.
But, um, on that trip, the four of us formed a lifelong bond.
And we miss Ben every single day, but he did leave us with a lot of gifts.
The greatest of which is our friendship.
And so today we dedicate this field to our friend Ben Foster.
Oh, come on! Guys, I'm never going to finish Iron Man.
Just please, tell me how it ends.
Iron man wins.
He wins? Really? It's called Iron Man.
Of course he wins.
Guys, spoiler alert.
Carl has not seen it.
Oh, you cannot be serious.
You're not going to believe this.
It is the exact You? Hi.
Hi, Officer.
Are you following me? Are you? Are you talking to your friends again? Yeah, that's us.
Hey, good to hear you, cop lady.
Say hi, Carl.
License and registration.
Right.
So how's it going with the girlfriend? Oh, good.
Thank you.
Oh, good? It's going great.
I've never seen him this happy.
You got a picture? Yeah, it's right It's on the license, if you I think she means of Callie.
Thank you, Ethan.
I got one on my cell phone.
I'm sorry.
Here you go.
Those are nice.
You got a picture of her face? What? Oh, God, that's the topless Topless?! That was just a joke, Officer.
Whoa, whoa, topless?! Wait a minute! Where? How? Okay, please stop.
What's going on? She's very symmetrical.
Thank you.
Don't blow it.
No, no, Officer, I won't.
That's what they all say.
I get knocked down but I get up again You're never going to keep me down