Traffic Light (2011) s01e12 Episode Script

Tommy Guns

Okay, gentlemen, I hope you have your calendars marked, because the annual guy trip is coming up.
Oh, we still doing that? What do you mean, are we still doing that? Of course we're still doing that.
Nothing's changed.
We've been doing that for 15 years.
Well, I just assumed since you cancelled last year's trip I did not cancel.
I postponed, because my son was being born.
Well, we all make choices.
Aw, come on.
Oh, we're not judging you, buddy.
It's things change.
No, no, no! Nothing has changed.
Guys, come on.
Brief hiatus.
We're back on track.
We just thought that Lisa would Lisa? Please.
Guys, come on.
I made it very clear to her on our second date that the guy trip was grandfathered into our relationship.
Wait.
Grandfathered? Oh.
You're not familiar with the grandfather clause? It is so awesome.
Yeah, honey, all trips and traditions with a clearly established history at the commencement of our relationship retain their binding status through the duration of said relationship.
In perpetuity.
God, it's hot when you talk like a notary.
Really? Well Oh, since we're grandfathering things in, my mother will be staying with us for a month every summer.
No.
What? No, no, no, because you can't grandfather in new stuff.
That's not a, uh Do you understand the term "grandfather clause," sweetie? Well, boys, since it's my turn to choose, I am thinking about New Orleans this year.
- Ooh.
- You know? You got great food, tasty cocktails, live music.
It's good.
I like it.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's my turn to choose.
- But you got to choose last year.
- Whoa, wait.
I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
You guys both acknowledged that I retain the right to choose.
I mean, you signed a statement to that effect.
I have the burrito wrapper in my wallet.
Burrito wrapper.
I signed that wrapper under duress.
Yeah, it's still binding.
He initialed it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Okay, well, I want it on record that I get to choose next year, okay? - Fine.
- Fine.
Also, I want it on the burrito wrapper.
Okay, I have both your signatures here.
It is now official that I will pick the 2012 guy trip.
Now we just need a signature of a witness.
- Burrito Bob, if you'd be so kind.
- Sure thing.
And would it be bad form to ask for a wee bit more gwawcamole? - It's "guacamole.
" - Guacamole.
Gwawcamole.
- Guacamole.
- Guacamole.
Gwackamo It's made with avocawdoes.
- Avocadoes.
- Avocadoes.
Avocawdoes.
Uh-oh.
Look out.
Gonna have to get Tommy some more apple sauce.
He's got a gun.
Oh! Honey, no! Hands are for clapping, not for shooting.
Oh! Where does he get this stuff? I don't know.
I think boys are just born with it.
All right, bud, we're out of potato chips.
I'm going in.
Gonna cover me? I didn't do that.
Guess who's here.
- Oh.
- Hey.
There's my babe.
Hey.
- Look at this kid.
- Oh, come here! Man, you are getting really big, little buddy.
He is, right? - Yeah, definitely.
- Oh! I mean, he's not gonna be a toddler for long.
I mean, this is practically a full-blown kid right here.
It's like the crossover point between, uh, giant baby and a tiny regular person.
You know what I mean? God, where does the time go? I mean, I remember when you were just a ball of nothing.
Oh, my gosh.
God, Adam's right.
Mike, it's going by too fast.
- We need new pictures.
- Yeah, I'll take some tomorrow.
No, no.
Professional pictures.
We need professional pictures, Mike.
He's only this age once.
Right.
Totally.
I'm gonna get me another glass of wine.
Adam? I'm okay.
Come on! - What are you doing to me? - What? What? "Won't be a toddler much longer.
" "Where has the time gone?" You are using intentionally provocative words.
I am not.
Yeah, you inflamed the mother gland.
Look at her.
She's all misty.
Yeah, look at her.
She's squeezing him like she wants to keep him that size forever.
Yes! And now I got to go out and get more pictures made.
I mean, come on! It's just gonna be frames? I'm sure there's probably gonna be a calendar.
I mean, this is gonna be a minimum of 300 bucks! Out of my pocket.
Thank you very much.
Look, is it my fault that you got a cute kid? No, that is all me.
Hey, I'm gonna put him to bed, okay? And I'm gonna help her jerk! My I want to take those pictures.
What? They need photos of Tommy.
I want to take 'em.
Make it happen.
Cal, I-I don't know.
You know, I'm not a big fan of mixing friends and business.
Hey, there's a lot of money in kids photography.
I could establish a portfolio, maybe get some new clients.
Be out of debt in no time.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a great Yeah, Callie, you are a professional photographer.
You should take those professional photos of Tommy just to beat back the hands of time.
Oh, my God, that's right! That's a great idea.
I love your work.
- That would be amazing.
- That would be amazing.
And I'll do it for free! What? No, we couldn't ask you to do that.
They couldn't ask you to do that.
No.
It's fine.
You know, tell your friends.
Well, they'll pay you and tell their friends.
I didn't just, uh Nope.
Okay, so you got it, right? Cardigan, rocking chair, book.
- Got it.
- Got it.
Go to work, Lisa.
We got it covered.
Come on, it's three against one.
I'm sure we can get a good picture.
- Don't ever grow up.
- I won't! All right, let's get a book in the kid's hand, and then we'll get done with this, okay? All right, you sit here, buddy, okay? All right.
Oh, come on! Who's calling? Aah! Hi, baby.
Oh.
Really? Okay.
No, don't worry about it.
We'll figure it out.
I love you.
Bye.
Book's no good.
No.
Lisa just remembered that Otis, Tommy's friend down the street, just got his pictures taken, - book-in-hand.
- Derivative.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! I got it! My mom just sent pictures of me when I was a kid the same age, wearing this kick-ass cowboy outfit.
I got it in the garage still.
I love it! It's like father, like son.
Oh, yeah, dude.
This is a homerun.
I mean, as soon as she sees these photos, she's gonna burn through an entire box of tissue.
I'm gonna blow her mind.
You know what? I'm just getting misty anticipating her getting misty.
Why are you so upset? Are you kidding me? What? No! I think he looks great.
He is holding a gun in every picture.
He's like a baby Ted Nugent.
It's okay.
He's a sheriff.
He's licensed to carry a gun.
In fact, he's honor bound.
I think he looks kind of bad ass.
Violence never solved anything, Lisa.
Come on, Lisa.
Boys will be boys.
I mean, you can make a gun out of anything.
Look.
Dr.
Einstein's a gun.
Okay, all right.
All right.
Okay, stop, stop.
Stop! I just I just don't want Tommy playing with guns is all.
What? Come on.
I grew up with guns.
Hunting is a big part of my childhood.
You grew up in the suburbs.
Yeah, but my dad made sure he took me and my brothers on a big hunting trip every year.
You saying I was raised wrong? Do you want to call my Mom? Go ahead.
Okay, yeah.
You call my mom, and you tell her I was raised wrong.
That's okay, yeah.
I'm gonna do that.
Calm it down.
Calm it down.
You should tell her how bad I was raised.
I'm just saying that you've evolved, is all.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
- It's a good thing.
- I have not evolved.
Come on.
I am still the same guy I've always been.
I'm a hunter.
Eh.
You used to hunt.
I totally am a hunter! I hunt! You have not been hunting in years.
Certainly not since we've been married.
Yeah, well, that's because we've just gone on other trips.
You know, otherwise, I would have been out there every year hunting and killing things.
In fact, that's why, uh, we're going hunting on the guy trip this year.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Yes, we are.
And this has nothing to do with the fact that I don't want Tommy playing with guns? Lisa, please.
Suddenly you have a desire to bring home a large animal and make a chili out of it? Or a stew, and you're gonna be cooking it.
Hunting.
No, whoa, whoa, no way! That does not work for me.
Why?! Why? There are so many reasons why.
It's cold.
There's hunting.
No mattresses.
And there's hunting.
Mike, we went with you that one time a million years ago.
It was terrible.
No.
I think this is a great trip for us.
Come on, guys.
Look, let's face it.
We've all gotten a little soft, especially you, Adam.
Me? Moving in with your girlfriend.
You married your girlfriend, bro.
You're softer than a down pillow, which by the way, we will not have on this hunting trip.
You know, I quite love the idea of a hunting trip.
Yes! Ugh! I probably won't actually hunt, per se.
But I like the camouflage.
It's a good look for me.
Hey, it's a good look for all of us.
Hey, you know what I like is those duck whistles.
Those crack me up.
You know? No.
No, hunting sucks, even with the duck whistles.
Mike, let's go to New Orleans, all right? Or better yet, if you don't like that idea because I came up with it, why don't we go anywhere else in the entire world where intoxicated men don't walk around the woods with firearms? Nope.
We kind of have to go hunting.
I took a stand with Lisa.
Oh, you took a stand with Lisa.
Why didn't you say so? Absolutely, we have to go hunting.
Ethan? Yeah.
He took a stand.
Oh, good.
So we're going hunting? I was being sarcastic! Too late.
Two against one.
You lose.
Also, Adam, um, there's a little issue with the photos.
No.
You know what? No.
No, Mike.
This is exactly what I was talking about when I said I didn't want to mix business and friends.
You know, I don't want to be put in the middle of this.
Oh, my God, they hated them! I can't breathe.
Oh, no, no.
Sweetie, you didn't hear me correctly.
They love what you did artistically, okay? It's just, Lisa has a problem with the guns, that's it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You're sure they're not just using the guns as a smokescreen because they didn't want to tell me they hated the photos? Smokescreen? I didn't use any smokescreen.
That's what I told her.
Smokescreen.
Look, I'm just the messenger, all right? Which I will remind you I did not want to be.
So it's not a smokescreen? No.
God, no.
In fact, they want you to come back and take more pictures.
And this time, they really want to pay you.
All right, so, that is it.
I am officially out of this madness, okay? Here's the thing.
She says you don't have to pay her.
What? Callie? They insist on paying you.
I know.
I just don't Wait.
You need to say yes right now.
Please, please put an end to this.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, that seems fair.
Thank God.
Oh.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Good night.
Good night.
Oh, did they mention what time they want me to be there? Oh, my God! - These are great! - Wow! Oh, I'm so glad.
All right, well, here is my bill.
Okay.
I'm just gonna leave it there.
You can pay me whenever, and of course, I gave you the friends and family discount.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- All right.
- All right, yay, no guns! I got to go.
All right.
I'll see you.
Oh.
Oh! Look at this! Oh.
Oh, my God! $1,100?! That can't be right.
Oh, yeah, it is.
She even had the balls to put smiley faces in all of the zeroes.
That takes some stones.
Ugh! Kind of impressive.
What? Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey, so you're gonna talk to Adam about this bill, right? Nope.
But you're gonna be with him all weekend.
On the guy trip.
This is a domestic concern.
No domestic concerns on the guy trip.
Okay, but you're not on the guy trip yet.
Hmm, technically, the guy trip started last night.
We're only leaving at dawn 'cause it's way cooler.
It's way cooler, is it? Yeah.
Like, 40% cooler.
40%? Yeah, maybe 50%.
I don't know.
You tell me, as I disappear into the shadows with my guns.
Can you open that for me? Dawn.
Who leaves at dawn? If we were in New Orleans right now, I'd just be heading home.
Following a brass band.
I love that you're leaving at dawn.
- Why? - I don't know.
It's kind of sexy, like something a commando might do.
Commando, eh? Yeah, you heard me.
Yeah.
I got that new Savage 308.
Can't wait to pull that baby out.
Hey.
What took you so long? We've been here, for, like 20 minutes.
Oh, nothing.
You just had sex, didn't you? Oh I mean, the classy move is not to acknowledge it.
No, the classy move is to take longer than 20 minutes.
- Oh - Oh Look how Mike packed extra zingers! I mean, the reason it took 20 minutes is 'cause I knew you guys were waiting for me down here, and then, you know, I was just thinking about you the whole time.
- Oh, come on.
- That's nauseating.
That's not how I meant that.
You know what I meant.
- Guy trip! - Guy trip! I'm just saying, you know, the driver has the hardest job, so I think I deserve one of the two breakfast sandwiches.
Come on.
We Rochambeau'ed for it.
You know, I had rock.
Ethan had rock.
You had scissors.
Respect the rock, Michael.
Plus, it's kind of your own fault.
Because if we had stopped earlier, like I wanted to, then there would be enough breakfast sandwiches for everybody, but you just enjoy that, uh, taco.
Fine.
Okay, you know what? Let's just go over the rules.
Per tradition, no contact with the outside world.
Which means we have to put our cell phones in this bag right here.
Whoa, whoa.
That's ridiculous.
No.
I need my phone.
Yeah, I kind of need mine, too.
All right, well, for emergencies.
All right, so we're keeping the phones.
Yeah, but we're putting the ringers on "off.
" Why are we even doing this? Because we didn't have cell phones when we went on our first guy trip.
Yeah, well, we didn't have jobs, either.
Or breakfast sandwiches.
You know, can I just say that the breakfast sandwich is the greatest invention of the last 15 years? Hallelujah.
Cheers to you.
All right.
You know what? You're just rubbing it in now.
Oh, Carl.
Hello.
You're up.
Hi, little man.
Wait, wait.
You did not sneak Carl on the guy trip.
I did not sneak him.
I decided he should come.
It's called the guy trip.
It's not called the three guys and a dog trip.
Well, you know, Carl's one of the guys.
No.
How is he one of the You know, it's upsetting.
I'm upset.
- What, you're upset? - Yes.
Well, what if I gave you half my breakfast sandwich? I'd still be upset.
But I'd take it.
Good to know.
Here you go.
Oh, come on.
That is cruel.
Relax.
I'm sure Carl's willing to share it with you.
Oh, yeah.
I can get it straight back from him.
Good.
Give me Carl, Carl.
Carl.
Ah! Oh Work on this.
Ah! What is that? It is glistening.
Get that out of my face.
There's a hair on it.
I will pull this car over right now.
I'm sorry, Lis.
I-I didn't want to overcharge you.
I just I got a sense of the going rate, and I wrote something down.
I didn't want things to get weird.
Yeah.
I didn't want them to get weird, either.
You know what? I'm just gonna I'm gonna tear this up.
Aw And you can just pay me whatever you think I'm worth.
I'm still trying to figure out how come Carl and I had to sleep on the pull-out.
Adam and I had rock.
You had scissors.
Got to respect the rock, Ethan.
I do respect the rock, Michael.
It's just Carl had paper.
Yeah, but his paper doesn't count.
All he can do is paper.
Hi, Lis.
Is Tommy okay? Are you okay? Is anyone turning blue? No? Okay.
Then why are you calling me? Because Callie just told me to pay her what I think she's worth.
Really? - She said that? - Mmm.
She said that.
"Pay what you think I'm worth"? Wow.
It's actually kind of brilliant.
It's totally brilliant.
She boxed me in.
Yeah, yeah, she did do that.
Well, good luck with that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're helping me with this.
Quick, she's in the bathroom.
No.
Lisa, I'm on the guy trip.
Is that Carl? Don't even get me started.
Good luck and I will see you when we get back.
No.
I'll see you later.
Good-bye.
Wait.
No.
Michael.
Hey.
Wow, huh? Lots of cargo space.
This trunk's really roomy.
Yeah, well, you know, when you're in the wild, you need, uh All right.
Before you say anything You look like a traffic cone.
Okay.
Well at least 40 men per year are shot by other semi-intoxicated men who mistake them for deer, so I'm just not going to take that chance out here.
'Cause I got a lot to live for.
The irony is, wearing all that orange actually makes me want to shoot you.
That's a felony, Mike.
It's just the three of us out here.
Come on, Mike.
You wouldn't last a week on the inside.
I'd do great on the inside.
Yeah, but not for the reasons you think.
This is really hard because we're friends.
Okay.
But imagine we aren't friends.
Pretend this is just a business thing.
But we are friends.
Okay, but what if we weren't? What would you say? If we weren't friends? Okay, then I would say, "$1,100 is kind of steep, "especially for someone who didn't show much judgment when it came to photographing my child with firearms.
" As a joke, I would say that.
- Oh.
- You know? Yeah.
No.
And I guess I would say, you know, "Hey, lady, relax about the guns already.
" That's funny.
And then I would say something like, "Don't tell me how to raise my child, random chick I'm paying.
" And then I would say, "Paying? That's funny.
I don't see a check in my hand.
" Guys.
Did you not see my signal? What? The Black Power salute? No.
This is the universal sign for stop.
I've never seen anybody do Shh! What's that one? What does that mean? That means look over there without talking.
Oh Yeah.
I think we got a deer over there.
Oh.
Really? With the ring? I thought we talked about this.
I'm sorry.
I got a new phone.
You don't have to whisper now.
It's gone.
You know what? Just answer it.
Go ahead.
Ethan, it's you.
- What? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Look at that.
I must have butt-dialed you when Mike made us crouch.
I guess it was your fault, Mike.
You and your angry pantomiming.
You guys are idiots.
It's nice to be outside, though.
Yeah, it's lovely.
Look at the way the light hits those branches.
- Poetic.
- Beautiful.
What just happened? Did we just have a fight? Yeah, we totally did.
Well, if we did, and I wanted to say I was sorry, I would probably say something like, "I'm sorry.
" I would probably say something like, "Let's stop all this and toast to our friendship, yo!" Ooh.
Cheers.
I feel silly.
You were actually being very generous when you suggested that we pay you what you're worth.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, sweetie pie, you-you signed it, but you did not fill out the amount.
- Uh-huh.
Just fill in the amount you think is right.
Well-played.
I know.
Do you want to open up another bottle? - Yes.
- Let's get lit.
Oh, of course.
Oh Oh, really? It's Callie.
It's your choice.
Okay.
Sorry Do not I forbid you to answer the phone.
What, are you kidding me? Don't.
Don't.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, sweetie.
Oh, is this a bad time? No.
You know what? It's never a bad time when you call me.
Oh, I love you.
Smoochie, smooch, smooch.
Yeah.
Barf.
Why'd you call me? Actually, you called me.
I'm in the middle of a deer-hunting trip.
Did you just drunk-dial me? No, I Hey.
Um, how much are two cheap plane tickets to New Orleans right now? She wants to go to N'Orleans.
Well, with advanced price, and it's not like I've been looking up the fares online or anything, it would be, hmm $518 if we don't check any bags.
Hey.
We're going to New Orleans, sweetie.
$518.
How's that sound to you? - Huh? That fair? - That sounds great.
You know what? $600.
You're drunk.
I'm not drunk.
You're drunk.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to let you go.
All right.
I love you, baby.
Tell Mike I want another kid! All right.
I love you.
Bye.
You'll love this.
Lisa and Callie are day-drunk, right? They come over Save it.
I'm done.
- What? Why? - Because! Neither of you guys take this seriously.
Of course we don't.
I mean, I didn't even want to come on this trip in the first place.
And the only reason you wanted to come is because you backed yourself into proving some weird point with Lisa.
No.
You know, that's only a half-truth.
I-I wanted to come back here because this is the first place we took a guy trip.
I just kind of wanted to get back to that.
Why? It was kind of a mediocre trip, Mike.
You were the only one who shot anything.
We've had better trips.
Absolutely.
I mean, do you remember the Trail of Tears/Barbecue trip of 2006? I mean, we learned a little bit and then we ate a whole lot.
It was a trip.
You're right.
We've had a lot of great trips.
We have.
You know, it's just that right now, my life It just feels like it's full of diapers and depositions.
And don't get me wrong.
I love my job and I love my family.
But I got to know, on some level, that we're still those same guys that we were 15 years ago.
All right, Mike.
Give me the bag.
- What? - Yeah, come on.
This means a lot to you and, uh, we're with you.
So give me the bag.
It's not really necessary, but I appreciate it.
What? What? This is all you, man.
Shot's no good.
What are you talking about? You got a clear sight line to The shot's no good.
I'm thinking of asking Callie to marry me.
Seriously? Oh, deer.
Why would you say that? Callie's a great girl.
No.
Deer! Oh, no! So, do you think she'll say yes? I wish that I knew what I know now When I was younger I wish that I knew what I know now When I was stronger.