Trailer Park Boys s01e04 Episode Script

Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up

, - Look, he just friggin' littered right in the park for God's sakes.
- The son of a bitch.
- What an asshole.
- I don't I-I Goddamn cigarettes and everything.
- See, look they're tryin' to get us going, eh? - You know, do you know what recidivism is, Randy? - I don't have a clue, Mr.
- That's when people go back to jail over, and over and over.
I think we've got a couple of A-1 class-act recidivists up there.
Look at 'em.
- Fuck off! - You know, I do knock Julia n quite a bit, but you got to admit he's real nice to Mrs.
Peterson - I've known Mrs.
Peterson for about 11 years.
She thinks that I'm her grandson.
It's pretty cool because she's gettin' older and, you know, she's alway s baking me cookies and and inviting me over to dinner and stuff every Sunday.
So it's pretty cool for me .
I love it.
It's like I have a real grandmother.
It's awesome.
Anyway, she's got to go into surgery for today.
I mean, it's nothing really that serious.
It's just an in-and-out type of thing, one day.
So I'm gonna look after her dog Sparky this afternoon.
- Pretty girl.
Yes, you're a pretty girl.
Pretty girl.
She says, "I just want to look where I want to look.
" - That's my place right over there , and right over here is the best neighbor in the world my grandmother, Mrs.
I'm her grandson.
Are you sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital? I'll take good care of Sparky, don't worry about it.
- That's fine, yeah.
But listen, you've had enough to drink today.
- I've only had a couple of drinks today, grandma.
- That's your fifth one.
- I've only had a couple.
I'm not drunk.
I'm just having a couple of drinks.
- You not going to be if you drink that all? - I don't get drunk.
I can drink more than the average person - Okay.
- Well, you know - Well listen, after this, how about drinkin' when you're not with me? - Can you hold this for a second? I'm just gonna grab the dog.
Here, come on, little buddy.
- It's okay.
- It almost spilled.
Sorry about that.
- I see the tear in your eye - I look after Sparky all the time.
You know, this dog means the world to Mrs.
Peterson And you know, it's it's her best friend.
It's all she has.
Hey, man.
Can you pick me up at Lucy's My car's fucked.
- I have to go to work.
Go by yourself, I don't care .
- Lucy, I'm on the phone.
- You've got to babysit Trinity today.
There's no school and - - Lucy, I'll take care of it I'm on the phone.
Just com e pick me up buddy, please.
- If you don't get the rent money soon, it's over.
- Just a second! Julian, please come pick me up - You don't give me rent money , find somewhere else to live! - Holy fuck! Just a second - They've got problems, don't they? - Julian, I can't talk.
Just come pick me up please.
r - Lucy, it's pretty f'ed up if you can't leave our daughte with my father for half and hour.
- It's pretty f'ed up that the last time Ray took care of Trinity, she came home all f'ed up.
- She had a few f'ing drinks .
- Oh God Get that - Julian, I told you Stop filmin' Lucy.
Lucy, come back here, I want a kiss.
- Ricky'll start back from the beginning.
He'll buy a pound of weed from some moron and he'll use it to make brownies.
t Then, he'll sell the brownie s and use the money from tha , to buy some hydro gear, get a really good crop of dope sell that, re-invest the money and then he's making some serious cash.
The mistake those guys alway s make is bringing guns into the picture.
Completely unnecessary.
They start shooting off guns , the cops are after them.
They're so stupid.
- You're only buyin' a pound o weed off the guy.
Why meet here? - He wanted to meet me her .
- Somethin's not right.
- What the fuck are you doin', man? Put that thing down.
It's only Sam.
Don't worry about it.
- You're buyin' weed off of Sam? - Ya, he's got some good shit.
- No, Sam's got some serious problems, Ricky.
, - Look, he said everything between you and him was cool so put the gun down.
- What's with the cameras, man - Jesus Christ! Sam, it's Julian! Fuck! - Put your gun down, Sam! - It's cool! - You're not gonna ge hurt - Everything's cool, man! - I thought you guys were the cops! - Everything is fucking cool here.
Go back to the truck! You guys get the fuck out of here! I told you you're gonna fuck this up! Put your gun away - Ricky, stop your swearing.
You're coming off as an asshole on TV.
- Sorry about your TV show.
I' trying to buy some fucking weed! Sam's got this thing, it's like a calculator; but he can send informatio n supposedly all over the world.
I don't know if he's full of shit or what.
- Ricky it's the Internet Computers, the Internet? - I don't know.
- What's What is this? What's this? - What the fuck is this shit ? - Put the dope in the - What the fuck's his pro What is this shit? - Put it in the glove box, Ricky.
- What's your problem, asshole? What's this? What the hell's going on here? - What's in the glass, Julian? - A drink.
Why? - What's that smell? Smells like weed to me.
Put your hands against the hood, I'm searching the truck.
- You put your hands against the hood and fuck off.
- You watch yourself, Ricky.
I know what's going on here.
- Lahey, Lahey, Lahey You'r e not a cop anymore, alright - I was a police officer.
But that was a long time ago I don't want to get into the details, but it simply came down to two choices.
So I resigned.
Don't you ever talk about me being a cop again - Lahey, please leave - Don't! - You're not a fuckin' cop .
- You watch yourself! Drug dealing is against the law, remember? You're on probation.
- Lahey, Lahey , - People who deal drugs when they're on probation, Julian go back to jail! Is that what you want? - Lahey, calm down for a minute.
You're not a cop anymore.
- You want to search somethin' - Don't you ever talk to m about being a cop, you hear me?! - Search this.
- Jesus! I thought you were a man of his word, you little Randy, Randy get down here right now.
- Lahey, get out of the way! - Hey, Lahey, you need a ride anywhere? - Ya, we got this all on tape, boys.
Have a nice day.
I haven't forgotten what I learned as a cop and believe me, I won't rest until those two idiots are back in Con College.
- Here, take that.
- What's this for? - Seven bucks an hour.
You're looking after Spark y for an hour.
- I can't.
I've got to babysit Trinity and make weed brownies - I don't care, you're looking after Sparky, alright? - Julian, I can't, not today .
Why can't you look after him - I've got to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles - Take the asshole with you.
- I can't take him with me You know what those idiots are like.
I could be in there for - Julian, I can't, not today .
I got customers showing up in two hours for weed brownies .
- I don't care.
I'm not leavin' the dog in the truck, Ricky.
You're looking after the dog Guys, could you follow him for the next hour and film everything he does? - You're not leaving these dicks and the dog with me for the next hour.
- You're looking after the dog, Ricky.
That's all - Seven bucks to watch the dog and these dicks - Enough! You're lookin' after the dog.
I'm in charge here, alright? - This is bullshit, man.
Fuck! w - At least with the film cre around Ricky today, there's a better chance p of him not screwing things u because he's afraid of lookin' like an idiot.
People have been sayin' that he looks stupid sometimes on TV.
- Basically, if you put half an ounce of weed into a tray of brownies, you make twice as much money as just selling plain weed .
The other good thing, is some people don't like smokin' weed, like older folks.
So I go to an old-folks home with a tray of brownies and make lots of money.
Anyway, I got a tray almost ready here now.
Fuck! Holy shit! I lost this gun like three years ago.
It's even loaded.
No shootin' that gu n in my trailor! - It was an accident, Ray.
Chill out.
This is a great little gun .
Basically, you, uh clip goes in s just cock it and you've got about 15 shot as fast as you can pull the trigger.
It's a nice, reliable gun, too.
Which is good 'cause you get in a shootout, last thing you want is a cheap gun jammin' up on ya - We heard you had some weed brownies.
Could we get some? - What the fuck do you guys want? I got nothin' ready.
- We want some weed brownies - Smokes, let's go.
- I just rolled them.
- Give a couple to her too .
- What's up, Trinity? - I got nothin' ready righ t now, guys.
Let's go, get out - When can we come back and get some? - Come back later.
Get out .
- What time, Ricky? - Six o'clock! Are you guys stupid or what? - Your dog's in some shit, dude.
- Holy Shit! You little asshole! What were you thinkin'?! Julian, it's Ricky.
Get over here, we got a major situation Ah, fuck! Ah, I'm fuckin' shot! Get over here! Get the hell out of my trailor with that gun! - Sorry, Ricky.
- It's okay, Trinity, it's not your fault.
Go get daddy a T-shirt from Ray.
Ah, fuck! - You see what happens when yo u frig around with guns, Ricky?! Go on, get out of the trailer, for Chrissake! - Shut up! It was a fucking accident! - Who's been into my liquor? - I shot my daddy in the bum and my mommy's going to get mad at me.
These taste funny.
- In case you didn't notice, I'm shot in the ass here! - Get out of the trailer, you're bleeding all over the place! There, how does that feel? - I got shot in the ass! - Jesus Christ! What the hell's goin' on, Ricky Where's the dog? - You stay out of this! - You shut up, Ray! - Don't tell my dad to shut up - Where's the dog? - I got shot in the ass by Trevor and Cory! They ran over there.
Go get them! - Not paying your drug debts again, hey, Ricky? - Lahey, fuck off! - Open liquor, Ray.
- He's on his own property Get the fuck out of here! - Randy, we've got a 10-35 here.
I'm going to have to 10-93 - What's going on with the dog , Ricky? - Look, we've got a bit of a situa - Ricky! - Jesus Christ! - Ricky, what's going on with the dog? - I've got a bit of a situation.
Grab the dog and let's go! - What do you mean? - I need a doctor.
Grab the dog! - What do you mean? - I'll tell you in the truck It's not my fault.
You're the one who left me the dog.
I didn't want to look after him anyway.
- Ricky, I was gone for 45 minutes! - Look, I'm bleeding to deat h here.
Just get me to a doctor! - Yeah, take you to the doctor .
What's gonna happen? The police will get involved .
Ricky, think! - I'm bleedin' to death here! You don't seem to understand that! Look at my ass! - I don't care about your ass! I've got to call Levi.
- Levi?! Fuck Levi! I need medical attention.
- Listen, Ricky, if that dog dies, I swear to God, I'll let you bleed to death, alright?! - I don't give a fuck about the dog! What's more important, me or a dog?! - Shut up! - What's more important?! - Shut up.
- I'm fucking bleeding to death here.
- Come on, Levi.
- Fuck - Levi! Thank God! I've go t a situation on my hands here s Ricky's got a bullet in his as and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.
- I didn't feed the dog! - You fed the dog! Shut up - Shut up! - This is fucked up! - What was he thinkin,' leavin ' that poor animal with Ricky? - I don't know.
Anyway, I sent them both ove r to a friend of mine who's a veterinarian.
n - See, now you can always tell somethin' about a perso by how they treat animals.
One hour with Ricky and the dog's on drugs.
- You must be Levi's friend.
- Yeah, listen up, Doc Yo, yo, yo, pay attention.
This dog is in serious trouble s He ate a bunch of weed brownie and my friend's got a 38 slug in his ass.
- I'm bleeding to death big time! - Dog's on dope! You guys are intelligent.
You know what the deal is though, right? There's a brown-and-white - Take the keys to my truck.
It's right there.
Plates are off it, okay? There's a brown-and-white barn just down the road.
You can't miss it.
There's a riding mower inside.
The farmer owes me a lot of coin, okay? Pick it up, bring it back.
- Can you just get the fucking bullet out of my ass? - Ricky, Ricky! - I'm bleedin' to death, alright? I'm sick of this shit.
Great ! Let's deal with the dog.
What about me? - Shut up! - This'll induce vomiting.
He should be alright.
Hopefully, not too much has been digested.
The medication should take effect soon.
Just take him outside, let him throw up and then take him home, give him a good meal and let him sleep it off.
- Thanks, Doc.
- Okay, big boy, time for you now.
- It's about fucking time.
- Let me see this It's just a flesh wound.
What a big wimp! - Oh yeah, just a flesh wound.
- Yeah, a couple of stitches will fix ya right up.
- Alright, Ricky, we got two minutes.
I want this to be quick and professional.
Here you go, break in.
- Why do I have to break in? - Because it's all your faul t and I'm in charge.
Hurry up.
- It's your fault, you gave me the dog, you idiot .
- Hurry up.
- Jesus, fuck! Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fucking idiots! Hey, retard, can you hear me ? I need a hand in here.
Come fuckin' help us! Oh, it's in neutral now.
Sorry I'm not so smart.
I didn't know that.
Take these planks, get them by the truck.
- We've got to get the hell out of here, Ricky.
, - Jesus I don't mind you guys followin' us around but you can help out, at least - Alright, let's go, boys.
- Let's go! Whoa! Who the fuck is that guy What do you want? - Relax, Ricky.
- What do you want? - What's goin' on? - Nothin.
- Fuck! - Come on! - What in the fuck?! - Get in the truck! - I'm fucking shot! - Ricky, get in the truck! Ricky, get in the truck! - For the love of fuck! - Get in the truck! - Fuck! - Cover me, man! I don't want to get shot again .
I'm fucking shot! - Hold your fire! Somebody's hurt here.
Get in - Just a second, I'm all caught up here.
Ricky - Just a minute, Julian.
Here, take this.
Just a second - Gimme that.
Hello Hey, sweetie, how ya doin? Just a sec, here's your dad.
Ricky Ricky It's Trinity.
- Hello Hey, munchkin.
Daddy's bum's fine, sweetie, yeah Why are you talkin' so funny? Well, don't drink anymore, okay? Daddy's got to go, he'll be home soon.
Hopefully before mommy.
So stay there, I'll see you in a second.
Here, take this.
- Here.
Come on.
- I got to go in there man , I need medical attention.
- Ricky - I need a doctor! I'm shot! - Ricky, Ricky Ricky, think about it.
You've got a gunshot wound , alright? The police are gonna question you.
- What do you suggest, Julian? - We're going to the vet.
Get in the truck.
- The vet is a dick, Julian.
y - I only heard of one guy gettin' shot twice in one da on unrelated incidents and he was a real dick.
- Got a comedian here, hey Are you calling me a dick? - What do you think? - Was he calling me a dick Ah Oh, for fuck's sakes! Fuckin' kidding me! - And how's our little gunshot victim tonight? - What's this - My duty's to inf - - Christ! - Come back here, you little buggers! Go deal with that, Lahey, instead of worryin' about us - Just relax, Ricky, we're taking care of it.
- Thank you, Randy.
- Why the light there, Randy - Let's just start from the beginning, guys.
- Ten-fifteen.
- What are you writin' there , shit rock? - You think you're smarter than me, don't ya, Ricky? Well, you're not.
The old shit liner is coming to port and I'll be there to tie her up.
- What the fuck is that supposed to mean? - Lahey, open the gate, okay I'm not in the mood for your cop-wannabe shit.
Please, I've had a long day.
- I've had a long day too, there, Julian, , tryin' to make this trailer park a safe, nice place to live a place we can all be proud of And that will happen just as soon as you idiots are back in jail.
Especially you, Ricky.
- Hey, Lahey, "Knock-knock!" - Who's there, Rick? - Mr.
Stupidy-head who's fuckin' pissing me off right now and he thinks he's captain of the shit water.
And by the way, your fishsticks suck.
So fuck off! Open the gate - That's real smart, Ricky Let 'em through, Randy.
- Are you sure, Mr.
Lahey? - Get out of the way.
- Listen Stop it! Bunch of jerks.
- Hey, Lucy, I'm home! - Where the fuck have you been? Shut up, Trinity's trying to sleep.
Where the fuck have you been - Well, didn't you hear? I got shot twice today, in the ass and in the arm.
- Yeah, well you know what Trinity came home drunk agai n today.
That's a really good example of good parenting.
- My dad passed out.
It was an accident - - Okay, whatever.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get out of here.
- Guys I guess you're goin g to have to leave.
- Don't tell them what to do .
Come, I want to talk to you.
- It was an accident.
I wa s supposed to go buy some dope and be back in half an hour.
I got shot.
I'm so sorry.
Trinity shot me in the ass and - - What-fucking-ever You're still fuckin' here.
Get the fuck out! Go! - How was surgery today? - I didn't have surgery today.
- You didn't have surgery? - No.
By the way Happy Birthday.
- Oh, you tricked me.
You went shoppin' today, didn't ya? Thank you very much.
- Happy birthday.
And here's the new N.
that you wanted.
- No way, Grandma! Thank you, thank you.
Here, give me a hug.
little Sparky.
Thank you.
- What's wrong with Sparky ? He's acting up today.
- Uh, he's, uh There was a cat over at the house and - Oh.
You're having another drink? - This is the last one I'm havin' tonight.
- Well, let's hope it is.
- I've only had a few today.
- Only a few today.
- Yeah.
- I don't like to see you drinking too much.
It's not good for anybody.
Next message.
- Hey, Julian, it's Ricky.
Just lettin' ya know that I'm single now.
I could really use a friend, so if you want to stop by and get drunk I'll be sleepin' in my car in my dad's driveway.
See ya.
Next message.
- Julian, that dog is all buggered up and silly.
What did you give it, liquor ? I love you, dear.
Next message.
- Hey, Julian, it's Billy, the soundman.
Thanks for droppin' me off at the hospital.
The doctor said you saved my life.
Um I'm out of surgery, things went really well.
I should be back in four to six weeks.
So- so don't let 'em fire me.
This is the best job I've ever had.
See ya.