Trailer Park Boys s01e06 Episode Script

Who the Hell Invited These Idiots to My Wedding?

- You guys rolling there? Oh, guys, I've matured.
You know, I'm learnin' a lot more.
I'm feelin' pretty smart, actually.
And I'm not swearing nearly as much as I used to.
I only get drunk on weekends now.
And I'm growing dope, so The whole documentary thin g for me has been really good.
And tomorrow, I get married.
So life doesn't get much better than this for Ricky I just wish Julian would stop acting like a dick.
It's pissing me off.
Next message.
- Hey, Julian, it's Lucy.
Sorry to bother you, but Ricky has done nothing for the wedding.
Nothing.
e And it's tomorrow.
We don't have a priest, we don't have a plac and I mean, at the very least, we should have some food.
There's no food at all.
You know, I want it to be nice and everything.
I don't know what to do.
If you don't call me back, I think I'm just gonna have to cancel the - - Luce.
Yeah.
No Lucy, calm down, alright.
I was in the shower I've got everything taken care of Yes, everything's taken care of Alright, alright.
I promise.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Fuck.
- You know, tomorrow's my big day and I shouldn't have to worry about anything else.
Julian's gonna take care of it all and so now I just have to focus on my stag-ette.
- A man's coming over to our place tonight to dance with his bum out.
- We're gonna have a few drinks, a little special entertainer is going to come over and dance for us.
And there's gonna be a little bit of partying just for the girls, know what I'm sayin'? - We're just doin' a bit of drinkin'.
Julian's gonna have a surprise stag party for Ricky tonight And, uh, just workin' a buzz up.
I can't wait to get loaded with those guys tonight.
- Yeah, it's gonna be, like, a huge party and there's gonna be lots of booze and liquor.
And free food.
And there's gonna be strippers and it's gonna be awesome.
- And Ricky's gonna get drunk and puke and end up in the drunk tank.
t - And later on, there's gonn a be a wedding the next nigh and that's gonna have food and booze and that's gonna be awesome.
There's gonna be, like, Hopefully, they'll all be ladies, 'cause it's all about ladies.
g - It's all about the ladies.
- Yeah, man.
Candy will brin some of her friends.
- She'll hook us up.
Let's go get some more beer.
- Sorry, but you don't hav e what we're looking for.
- Yeah, I think Julian wants this more than anybody, you know? What better way to get Lucy, Trinity and Ricky off his back p so he can go off and have his new little relationshi than to marry them all off to each other? I think it's a great plan.
And the thing is, it's amazing, it's scary how much we hav e in common.
We've been spending a lot of free time together.
It's great, he's awesome.
- Hey, baby, what are you doin'? - I'm washing the truck.
- You don't got to be washin' my truck.
- I like washing the truck - Cory and Trevor, I'll ge t them dicks to do it.
Come on - Okay.
- Get down here.
- Julian finally called me I guess he's basically takin' care of everything.
He's got a bunch of food and stuff, a couple of barbecues, his music You gonna answer that? - It's Lucy.
- Hi, Julian.
It's Trinity .
I love you.
- That little girl thinks the world of you.
You're like a second dad to her.
- Yeah, she's a little angel y I just wish her mother would stop driving me craz with all this wedding shit .
I just want to be left alone - Yeah, I don't know if yo u want to be left alone, Julian.
Just make sure you don't fuck around on Trinity, make sure you're there for her.
'Cause I know what it's like if parents fuckin' fuckin' leave on ya.
You know what I mean? One day they're there and you wake up and you're all by your fuckin' self.
For the rest of your fuckin' life.
Livin' in a fuckin' shed and wonderin' what the fuc k happened to your parents.
- You okay, buddy? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- When I think about it, i t kind of pisses me off.
Like I can plan my own wedding.
I'm not a total, complete idiot, alright? And if Julian thinks he needs to babysit me like a little two-year-old kid or whatever, he doesn't.
I'm not stupid, I can plan my own wedding, Julian, if your watching this shit.
Sorry, sweetie, I forgot I had a cigarette in my mouth.
- Julian, it's Lucy.
I got your message, finally.
Thanks for calling t so fast.
Anyway.
Listen, don't give me that bullshi about not having any money for food.
There's no food, there's no wedding.
And I don't care how you get it.
And don't get any sausage, get the all-beef kind.
If not for me, then can you do it for Trin? I really thought you'd be able to help me out with this.
.
Could you just call me back? - Robberies are simple.
It's all about fire power.
If you have enough guns, it scares people, they freeze up and they won't try to stop ya.
You're in and out in two minutes.
This is gonna be a professional job.
Listen up, boys.
' We need a truck.
- Why? You got one.
, - Oh that's pretty smart, Cory.
My truck, my license plate me back in jail.
That's real smart.
- We'll just jack one from the strip club.
There's always trucks there.
- There you go.
Smart one, Trev.
- I can take care of all the shopping carts.
Checking over the carts for tonight.
Have to be perfect, can't be fucked up.
First thing that can go on them is the wheels.
That there one's no fuckin g good.
Bearings are gone.
Might as well get rid of it right now.
That's a keeper.
That's a keeper.
Everything has to be perfect I can't let the boys down tonight.
That's my specialty - I'm not stupid, you know Even though people sometimes say that I am, I'm not.
And I know those guys have been meeting secretly without me all week, but to hell with those guys.
Let's go.
Open the fuckin' doo or I'm burning the trailer down.
Open up.
I know you're in there.
- How's it goin', Ricky? - Some best man you turned out to be, you dick Anyway, don't worry about it I'm gonna find a new best man.
Is Bubbles home? What's goin' on here? - It's your stag party, you bastard.
- No way, man.
You guys had me all fucked up.
- Get that into you, Rick.
Get you all fucked up.
- What is it? - That's swish, brother.
- Yeah, knock her back.
Come on.
- Drink, man.
Come on.
Puts hair on your chest, man .
- Alright, I gotta take a leak Someone mix me another drink .
- Yeah, I will.
- I told you guys not to drink.
, If we don't concentrate on getting Ricky drunk tonight you're gonna fuck up the entir e robbery.
Understand me? - Okay.
- Yeah, that's cool.
- Smarten up.
- I don't know, boys.
This is awesome.
I wasn't expecting this.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Levi.
- Anybody else wants a drink - No.
- No, we're cool.
- Say what? - You guys are whack.
- It's your night, dude.
- Cheers, guys.
- Drink up, buddy.
Here you go, Rick.
Get it in ya.
Come on, buddy - What's the plan for tonight? - Lots of drinks and lots of strippers.
- No way! Strippers? - Okay, boys.
- To Ricky.
- Come on, Rick.
- To my boy, who's gettin' married.
- Toast with your dad.
Come on - I love you guys.
- Come on, buddy.
- I love you, boy.
- Another tray of shooters , please.
- I can't fuckin' hold him .
I can't hold him.
Watch out.
- Shut that thing off.
- Open the back window.
- He's out for the night.
- How's Ricky? - He's gone dude, he's asleep.
- Alright.
Guns loaded? - Guns loaded.
- Masks on? - Check.
- Alright.
Two minutes, guys No mistakes.
- Let's do it.
- Everybody down! - This is a robbery.
Everyone, stay calm! We don't want your money and we don't want to hurt anybody.
We just want some food.
Stop fuckin' around, get in position.
Let's go, let's go, let's go - This is gonna be the best wedding ever, dude.
- What the fuck are you doin g with so many bananas, dude fuck with the corkscrew s and shit, man? - Fuck, why are you always telling me what to do? - bananas in the cart, dude .
No one eats bananas at a wedding.
- some smokes? - Hands up! - Put your guns down! It's us! It's us! It's us! - Julian! - Don't shoot, you dicks! - What the fuck's going on here? I just came in here for smokes .
What the hell's going on? - Sorry, dude, man.
Didn't know.
, - You're stupid, you're stupid you're a fuckin' idiot.
- The fuckin' gun's broke.
- You could've killed me over there! - It's broken.
- What the fuck? - Ricky, shut up.
Ricky! - Oh, for fuck's sakes.
- Let's go, let's go! Everybody out.
- Out of the way, dudes.
- Ah, fuck.
- Get in the truck, Ricky.
- Come on, move! Come on, boys! - What's with all these fuckin' bananas? - I fucked up! - I have to get the cart in.
- Fuck off with cart, Bubbles! - Come on, I'm not leaving this fucking cart! - Get in the fuckin' truck ! Get in! - Jesus Christ.
, - You know, I may not have don e all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff.
But guys, maybe I shouldn' t be commentin' here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb.
Alright? You're robbin' a fuckin' grocery store.
You didn't even tell me.
I'm fuckin' on video tape no firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are fuckin' dumb! - Ricky, would you calm down - I'm not gonna calm down, Julian.
- Calm down.
- I'm pissed off.
I'm pissed off at you and especially you two dicks You guys are really fuckin' stupid.
- Ricky, sorry, man.
But, you were shootin' at us too.
- I'm drunk! I'm really drunk! - Ricky.
- I don't need this shit! I'm gettin' married tomorrow ! - Ricky, would you shut up Everything's gonna be cool ! Trust me! - Can everyone please stop it.
- Oh, look, you're making Bubbles cry.
Just shut up.
- I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk - Last night was a fucking nightmare, but, you know, nobody got shot, so Just waitin' for Candy.
Oh, here she comes now.
You better chill before you get knocked out.
Chill Anyway, I got a big surprise for her.
She's gonna freak out And I'm nervous.
- Oh, my God! It's beautiful - Yeah, you think so? - It's like a castle.
- So what do you think? - What do I think? - Yeah.
- What? - You wanna move in with me? - I would lo - - I bought it.
- Really? I'd love to move in with you, sweetie.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- I got this on camera, in cas e you want to change your mind - Uh-uh.
- No? Alright.
- You guys want to get this on tape? I mean, this is what life' s all about.
You know, it doesn't get any better than this.
And, you know, after today , we're gonna be a legal family.
It's gonna be pretty cool.
It's gonna be on paper and everything.
There's somethin' I want to tell you girls, alright I love you both with my whole heart.
Who the fuck is that dick? You expectin' anyone? - No, I'm not expectin' anyone .
You expectin' anyone? - What do you want? Who the hell are ya? - Hello, Rick.
- How the fuck do you know my name? - Just relax, Rick.
I was wonderin' if you knew anything about any of the stuff that's been goin' down around here lately.
- What stuff? - I don't know.
You tell me.
- Why would I know anything about anything goin' on round here? - You're sure? You wouldn't be lying to me, would you, Rick - Why would I lie to ya? - Tell ya what, Rick.
You take that.
You find yourself you might remember something you forgot to tell me, you can give me a call.
- I'm having a flashback right now, actually, about somethin' I wanted to tell ya.
I wrote it down, I think.
Yeah, there it is.
Copy right there for ya.
- Very nice.
- You know what that means It means fuck off.
- We'll see ya soon, Rick.
- What do you mean by that - Precisely what I said.
That's why I chose the words - Today's a very special day , Ricky's wedding day.
I'm gonna give him a special wedding present, hand-delivered personally.
- I figure there's probabl y gonna be at least 100 people that are gonna be comin' to the park.
I mean, they're probably gonna be all drunk and stoned and everything.
We're gonna have to make sure that things don't get out of control, Mr.
Lahey.
- We're gonna see the best collection of losers this park's seen for many a year.
- Loser convention.
- Man, that suit looks dope.
- Thanks.
- Right on.
You look really good too.
- What's wrong? - I'm probably just being stupid, but have you seen that dick drivin' around the park? - Yeah.
- Well, he's an undercover cop, I can tell ya that.
- So, you're afraid of some cop? - Yeah, I am afraid of this cop.
'Cause he's intense.
Like a frog runnin' along the highway.
Eventually some car's gonna hi t ya and this is the fuckin' car - Ricky, Ricky.
You're just paranoid.
Come on, don't worry about this stuff - Yeah, you're probably right.
I can't go back to jail, Julian.
Alright? That stuff that happened there fucked me up.
I still think about it every fuckin' day.
And the biggest thing is tha t I can't go back to jail alone.
'Cause I can't look after myself in there.
You know what I'm sayin? - I know, but don't worry.
You're not going back to jail, alright? You're not goin' back to jail, I'm not goin' back to jail - It wasn't my idea to rob that store, Julian.
- I-I know.
Listen, look at me.
I promise you.
You're not gonna go back to jail.
- Oh, my.
My, my, my.
She is beautiful.
So, you're all dressed up today.
- Yeah, I got my tuxedo on Hey, maybe you can fix my tie for me.
- Yeah, why not.
- Tricked ya.
It's not even real.
A hundred and fifty bucks for one of those real fuckers.
- I wish Rick and Lucy all the best.
'Cause they're in love and not all hung up on past people that they went out with in the past.
By that, I mean people that they slept with before they got together.
And I don't mean Julian by that- Ow! - Chill, man.
- Fuck, you didn't have to hit me, you dick.
This is like a wedding video and shit, man.
You got to have more respect than that.
Come on, man.
This is gonna be on a tape now and seen and everything and we look like dicks.
Nice one.
- Hi.
- On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone for their support on this very special day.
m And instead of the traditional vows, the bride and the groo have decided to write their own.
- I, Lucy, promise to love you and respect for you and be truthful for you as long as I live.
- I, Richard, promise to love and not break the law as much as I used to I promise to be a good father to my child and to not to swear anymor e or as much as I do in public places.
And I promise to love you as much as I can and as often as I can under the circumstances.
- Well, I think we should have the rings.
- You got the rings? Oh, can you hold this? Thanks.
Okay.
- What goes on here now? - Um here.
Do you Lucy take Ricky - - Oh, for fuck's sakes.
Trevor, Cory, these guys are here for you, I guess.
- Hands on your head.
- What's this bullshit? - How could you do this? - I didn't do anything.
- Hands on your head.
- What the fuck's going on here? - Hands on your head, Rick - Oh, man, I'm pissed off now.
Jesus Christ, I'm tryin't o get fuckin' married here.
Holy fuck.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
I can't believe this shit.
Julian, look at this shit.
My wedding's all fucked up This is bullshit, Julian, what the fuck's going on here? This isn't my fault.
There's a lot more people here guiltier than I am.
Trevor and Cory.
I'm goin' back to jail here.
Julian, I'll see ya in a couple of hours.
We got to work this shit out .
Everybody stay here.
The wedding'll continue in about a couple of hours - - Don't bother, Ricky.
Let's get real.
- We're gonna take care of a couple of things.
I love you, Dad.
Fuck off, Lahey.
I wanna mak e a citizen's arrest on this guy illegal procedures going on.
I want this camera crew arrested.
I want you arrested for this .
I want that soundman arrested.
I want everyone arrested! Leahy, you're fucking goin g down for this, you jackass - Let's pack it up - I'm pissed off over here Nobody go anywhere, alright? - For the first couple of week s that I came back to jail.
.
I was still pissed off, because they used all this documentary footage against us to convict us.
And I was pissed off about the whole court-room scene And I shouldn't have defende d myself, I know that now.
, And for the first two week s in jail, I basically partied I did a lot of drugs and I was getting drunk.
y And now I realize that you gotta try and stay awa from all that stuff in here.
And basically, if you're gonna be in here, you may as well use the time to get smarter.
I learned about relationships, how it's probably a good thing to take a break once in a while from your relationship, 'cause when the break's over , it's, uh it's stronger, I guess.
So as far as Lucy and Trinit y goes, that's probably good , Takin' a break from dope is even a good kind of a break because when you smoke dope again, you get a lot more fucked up.
- What Ricky's talkin' about i s the power of positive thinking Now, I've been doing a lot of reading in here about that, and I've learned to take a negative situation y and turn it into a positive one.
And I've been telling Rick all about it and - - Exactly.
It's all in how you look at it .
I mean, you can pretend you're in jail or right now I'm pretendin' I'm in university.
- If you look at jail in a positive manner I mean, you eat three time s a day, okay? You have a schedule, you follow that schedule.
You have a lot of time to yourself to read, to reflect on life and hang out with your friends - I'm glad I went to jail an d the only thing I really miss is probably having regular dop e all the time, gettin' drunk regularly, and I miss Lucy and Trinity.
But other than that, I fuckin' love being in jail - Positive thinkin', Ricky .
Fourty-five days, buddy.
- It's easy.
- Sloppy Joes tomorrow.
- Oh, yeah.
It's Thursday.
Right on.
- We'll be Okay.