Trailer Park Boys s03e05 Episode Script

Closer to the Heart

- I need you to do me a huge favour.
- I can't buddy, there's no dope around.
- I'm not looking for dope Meowenstein drank garbage juice.
He's got the shits.
I've got to get him to the vet .
But here's the problem.
Rush are coming to the Metro Centre.
- No way! - Yessirree Bob.
- Rush are your favourite band - I know.
I need you to go down there, get in line and get me a ticket.
They're gonna sell out Ricky This is all the money I have .
Just enough for one ticket - Okay.
- Can you do that for me? - Calm down.
It's not like it's Helix or something.
Helix was a wicked concert I sold a lot of dope at that concert.
They had good lyrics.
Give me an R O C K! And th e crowd yells "ROCK" really loud Now that's a fucking concert.
- I'm not giving anyone a fucking R! - Rush just don't do stuff like that.
Their lyrics are about how trees are talking to each other, how different sides of the brain work and outer space bullshit.
- Give me a fucking R! - Why don't you guys get some tickets and come with me.
We could all go.
- I'd love to but there's no dope.
I told you that.
- Who cares about dope? Alex Lifeson, Geddy Lee, Neil Peart I know he's gonna do that fucking drum solo.
- Calm down buddy.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Just promise me you can do it.
Just say I promise you Bubbles that I will get you a ticket, please.
- I promise you'll have a ticket and I'll try to find some dope - Alright, let's do it.
- Help me clear this stuff off the car and we'll go get Julian.
- I'm glad I had my helmet on.
Hey Julian.
- Hey man.
- I need a couple of bucks for gas buddy.
- What! Hey?! - Hey! Hey! What? Holy! - Hi! I just got a fine from the city for having recyclables in the garbage.
Do you, um, remember that little chat we had Jim about you doing your job and me not firing you? Do you remember that? - My ex-wife Barbara owns Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
And in a way, uh, she, uh - Well, we gotta do what Barbara tells us to do.
- More or less.
Uh, Randy and I have been planning a camping trip for a long time, Barbara.
And I promise I'm going to hav e all this sorted out by Monday.
It's idiots like that - Get the fuck out of my way Lahey, you fucking idiot.
- That don't recycle.
- Maybe you should be doing your fucking job instead of going camping, toasting marshmallows with fucking Randy.
Did I mention he was trying to buy dope off me this morning - Right.
No camping trip, Jim.
Not with Randy, or drugs, or liquor until you have sorted all n this garbage in time for the collection on Monday and the you can go camping.
- Babs! - Lahey, can you please ge t the flying fuck out of our way We gotta go get Rush tickets .
- Hey Ricky! Ricky! - You hang on little buddy .
I'll be right with you.
Awesome boys.
Thanks for doing this for me - No problem buddy.
I'm goin g to get your ticket right now - Thanks guys.
I love you guys.
- Love you too, Bubs.
- Talk to you later buddy.
- See ya.
- What the fuck are you doin here? Following us or something? - Sorry I was following you, but I have a brilliant idea.
t If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert we can sell i for double the price and make a ton of loot, man.
It works every time.
So can you hook us up? - That's a great idea.
I got a little bit of dope here for ya - That's cool.
- There's no fucking dope in town you idiots.
- Julian, you've got to be abl e to get dope.
We can take the cruise money and double it up, man.
We can do it.
- Alright boys here.
Get us all some Rush tickets - Nice.
- Are you sure about this? - I want the change back too boys.
Don't fuck this up.
- That's cool.
- I think I can get us some dope man.
- Where the fuck are you going to get dope? - How's it going? You guys got a package for Corey or Trevor Lahey? - Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops man.
They way overcharge every time.
It doesn't even feel like a pound.
- It's fine.
Let's just get out of here Ah, man.
Fuck! Aw fuck! - We're down here at the Metro Centre where the tickets are going fast for the upcoming Rush concert.
Hey, what are your names guys? - Uh, that's Corey.
- That's Trevor.
- How goes the search for tickets, gang? - It's okay man.
We kind of have to get tickets, we have no choice man.
Like, you know.
- That's just great guys.
Good for you guys.
- Hey man, can we do some shout outs? - I don't think so.
Just a reminder Terry, coming up in the next half hour, the ultimate Rush fan contest.
Coming up later.
Now Earthshine from Vapourtrails.
- Those idiots ruined our little camping trip Randy.
Well, we're going to ruin their little concert.
- Alright Ricky, don't mention anything about the dope out here man.
We'll make way more selling it in there.
Alright? - Okay man.
- Ready, Mr.
Lahey.
- Go Randy.
- Ricky, you idiot.
You camping trip ruining dick.
Saying stuff you're not supposed to say.
- Come on, Randy, Randy, Randy, boys, boys.
- Yes, I'll have all the res t of your tickets please.
Randy, that's enough boy.
- Ricky, Julian, where's my fucking ticket.
- Sorry Bubbles, she's all sold out.
- Oh my fuck, are you kidding me? - What the fuck are you doing Lahey? y - These tickets are not for sale boys, but if you help Rand and I clean up a little garbage, then I just might give you a couple.
- Oh my God.
Come on.
- Let's go Randy.
- See you back at the park there boys.
- You fucking dicks.
You bette r fucking watch it Randy.
- Ricky, you fucking promised me you'd get me Rush tickets.
- It wasn't my fault Bubbles .
I'm sorry.
- It is your fault.
This could affect our friendship, you know.
- Bubbles don't talk like that - Cocksucker! - Boys, somebody's got can s and fucking bottles mixed up in the same bag.
- This is bullshit.
Can't we get tickets from scalpers or something? - I already tried.
No go man , so stop your fucking whining and let's just get this over with.
Boys, relax, we're going to make a lot of money tonight.
- Julian this thing isn't about money you know.
Don't you guys fucking ever think of the music? That's what this was about .
Remember "Closer to the Heart" Remember how good the fucking concert was in 87? g - That was awesome man.
Remember we kicked out durin "I Like to Rock", then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry.
That was fucking wicked.
- That was fucking April Wine, Ricky.
But that was a good fucking concert.
- So you wanna be Alex Lifeson's guitar tech Tell me, what's his real name? Call now.
We're gonna take the first four calls.
, - Oh my God boys, it's Zivojinovich.
Son of Life Lifeson, that's his fucking surname.
I'm gonna be Alex Lifeson' s guitar tech.
- It's off to the phone line s now to see if we have a winner in the ultimate Rush fan contest.
Hi, who's this? Do you have the answer? - Hi I'm Randy.
Yes, the answer is Zivojinovich.
- Randy, you're right.
Good for you.
Zivojinovich, which means son of life.
Lifeson, that is his last name .
Guess what Randy, you're going - You've got to be fucking kidding.
- That cheeseburger eating bastard.
- Holy fuck Mr.
Lahey, we won! - Yeah, we're still on the air guys.
Congratulations.
You and a friend are going to attend the Rush show.
Have a great night, but more than that - You're a fucking asshole Randy.
- Ricky.
- What do you want boys? - Mr.
Lahey.
Look, I know yo probably don't like me that much cause I hang around with these guys, fuck you around sometimes, and do things that you don't like, but that Rush concert mean s everything to me.
Can you find it in your hear t to sell me one of those tickets please? This is all the money I have in the world, but I'll give it to you please - Jim, stop being a prick and just sell us some tickets.
- I'm sorry Julian.
I am a prick.
Boys, back to work if you want those tickets.
- You can keep your fucking tickets, Lahey.
- Do you think that's a good idea.
- Fucking right it's a good idea.
- Ricky! - Ricky! Ricky! That's willful destruction of garbage.
Ricky.
Sorry, Bubbles.
It's the company you keep, boy - Why didn't you say anythin g to us man? We can get into Metro Centre any time.
- Why were you sorting garbage, then? - Cause that's what you guys were doing.
- Yeah man, we were just chilling with you - You guys are fucked, you kno w that? You're fucking stupid.
- So what's up? - Well man, we got in to Aaron Carter and Backstreet Boys, all the time through a tunnel.
- The tunnel pops up right in the back of the stadium - It's a manhole.
- A sewer? You guys are fucked I'm not crawling through a fucking sewer.
- Don't do anything stupid Ricky.
- Oh yeah, he probably won't d o anything stupid, Julian.
- Welcome to the Prince Elliott.
s - I'm Alex's personal guitar tech.
I've got to take thi to his room right away.
Can I have the key please? Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason, Alex wasn't.
I need four tickets to your concert right now.
We can do this the easy wa y or hard way.
- I'm not a ticket agency.
I can't help you with the tickets.
- You can't get me four tickets? - I'm sorry.
- He was just one of these guy s that don't want to talk to anybody, I'm a big fanc y rock star and you can't talk to me, so it pissed me off.
- Hang on a second, man.
Let's go.
No fucking around.
You say a word about this, I'm going to tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.
- Come on, give me a break - Take it easy.
We're just gonna go for a little drive.
Hotel security.
This man i s drunk as fuck, he's on drugs - What's going on here? - He's a male prostitute, I' going to escort him out of here.
- That's one Ricky uses a lot.
I've seen him use that on different people.
The cops come and Ricky's like "This guy's a drunk male prostitute and he's soliciting prostitution and he's trying to do things to me, and he's a drunk male prostitute".
- I may have called him a male prostitute, I don't remember exactly.
Very well, he could be a mal prostitute, you don't know that.
- But he got pissed off and wa s saying "oh, you kidnapped me".
It wasn't kidnapping, so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him, I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.
- Fuck! - Check it out dude.
What's up Jules? - Hey.
p - This'll keep you pretty dr y and stuff but it's best to kee some extra clothes just in case you fall in.
- Yeah man, I fell in.
It's pretty bad.
- Julian, it's fucked.
I don't want to fall in the sewer with these dickweeds.
- Don't worry Bubbles.
We're not going to wear this shit man.
This is in case we have no other option.
- Where are we? - The fucking best trailer par k in the God - Damned world right here.
Good people, good friends and we're gonna fucking se e a little show.
But the first thing I want to do is make it clear that this is not kidnapping.
- This is totally kidnapping .
- It's not fucking kidnapping.
- This is fucking totally kidnapping.
- I'm borrowing you to play a little concert back at the trailer park.
- I don't do that kind of stuff.
- You're fucking in a rock band.
You should be used to this - Can I tell you something ? You're a fucking mental case - What the fuck are you talking about? Look - You are crazy.
- It's not my fault you're this big fucking - You could go to jail for a long time for this.
- I'm not going to jail.
This isn't kidnapping.
I'm borrowing you.
- Oh, no big deal at all.
Ricky just went and stole a human being.
- It's like a little rehearsal .
You play a couple of songs and then you can go back to your little dream world Whatever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time Playing your fucking big guita r in front of people.
- Yeah dude, where's Rick? - Shut up and listen carefully boys.
You guys are going to go in to the bathroom first, set up Make sure you put an "Out of Order" sign on the door.
And here.
Just in case.
That's a change of clothes for us - Hey buddy.
- Julian, I came through buddy .
Where's Bubbles? - At the vet.
Don't tell m e you've got tickets? - I've got better than tickets .
Check this out.
- Ricky.
Ricky.
This, you're from Rush.
- Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson.
Ale this is J, uh, it's Gord Downey.
This is Alex.
Hey, play "I Like to Rock".
- That's April Wine.
- Well play that Diane Sawyer song.
Just fucking play something.
That's why you're here.
- Ricky? What's he doing here? - I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel I was gonna put on a concert for Bubbles.
- You kidnapped him Ricky.
- It's not kidnapping.
- You don't borrow people.
- It's totally cool man.
We worked it all out.
- You? Alright.
Can you stop playing just for a second.
Alright, he uh.
Alright.
I'm gonna untie you, and you'r e not going to call the police He's just a big fan, he made a mistake.
This isn't kidnapping.
I'm sorry man.
Like, are we cool or what? - You untie me.
You get me bac k to my hotel.
It's no problem - What's this one? - I don't know dude.
- Sorry about all this shit man.
- Okay.
It's alright.
- Fuck that.
Don't even worry about it.
Don't shove me.
You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there dicktree.
- Hey man.
- I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up.
- Just get the fuck out of here, would you? - You fucked up big time.
Ricky, don't be giving him the finger - He fucking stared at me.
- You fucked up big time this time man.
You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do Huh? - Julian, look.
I fucked up and I'm sorry alright.
You got a better idea - This is fucked up Julian - Look boys.
I'm sorry, alright.
The security is a little tight .
It will be fun man.
- This is not fucking fun Julian.
This is bullshit.
- You want to see Rush Bubbles ? - Yes, I want to see Rush.
- Get down there.
You want me to go next? - Please.
What if something gets me? Ah! Something licked me on the knee.
Something licked me.
We did it Julian.
There's Alex Lifeson.
That's him.
- Shh! Shh! - Sorry Randy, I've got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.
- No thanks Alex, I don't wear shirts.
- Oh no, you gotta wear a shirt.
Please.
- I never do.
- He doesn't wear shirts Mr.
Lifeson.
That's the way it is.
- Mr.
Lahey, maybe you can tal k him in to wearing this shirt - He doesn't wear shirts.
Not even in the wintertime How did you idiots get in here ? - Hi Alex.
- Don't worry about it Lahey .
- Hey, I know this guy.
n - You see this Randy.
When somebody like Alex Lifeso gives you a fucking T-shir t to put on, you're putting the fucking thing on.
I don't care if you don't wear shirts.
- I don't wear, frig off.
- Randy doesn't wear shirts.
- Put it on Randy.
- Take the garbage downtown, boys.
- Put it on, Randy.
- I can't fucking believe we have to go through this again.
- Boys, it wasn't that bad n - I don't know what happened.
I sat Corey and Trevor dow for two hours and discusse d this plan with them.
Take the clothes, bring them into the Metro Centre, we'll meet you inside.
- What are you guys wearing? - Ah shit dude.
We got these from a road case man.
And there's lots more so you can put it on too.
- Where in the fuck are our clothes and the stuff? - Well, it's funny.
We wer e worried about uh, about them getting lost right so we too k everything, the weed and your clothes and we pu t them in a Rush road case.
- And?! - And the roadies took them away when we went to get hot dogs - Holy fuck! - What did it say on the case? - Wardrobe.
- What the fuck are you doin g wearing my clothes? - Not this asshole again.
What are you doing with my clothes? I thought we had a deal here .
No cops.
- Alex, we're on in four - Oh great.
- I'm fucking telling.
Mr.
Lahey! - Guys please, give me a break here.
I've gotta get on stage, I've gotta get out of thes e stupid track pants and into my clothes right now.
- What the fuck's wrong with track pants? - Give me my stuff back.
For Christ's sakes.
- Freeze.
What's going on here Okay boys, throw these two idiots out.
- We paid money for tickets.
- He's a felon.
Get him out.
- This fucking thing shouldn't be about dope and swearing and idiots with no fucking shirts on going camping drunk.
You guys don't even give a fuc k about Rush.
I do.
t - That's right Bubbles.
I don't.
But what I do give a fuck abou is recycling and the fact that this idiot deliberately ruined Randy and my camping trip.
- Shit, I didn't ruin it.
Yo u ruined it.
And so did Alex It wasn't my fault.
- This is so fucked up.
This is my dressing room.
- Sorry Alex.
But those tw o were outside scalping tickets.
He's got about twenty on him .
He wouldn't give me one.
- You scalping tickets Randy ? Contest winner? Guys, get these two out of here right now.
- Alex listen please, I'm really, really sorry about this.
I mean, we weren't doing anything wrong.
- Fuck off Randy.
- Alex.
Alex.
- What do you think of that, Randy? - Alright Alex.
No more fucking around.
Where's my dope? I gotta start selling here - What this? I found this in my DR.
- Oh, for fuck's sakes.
Big bag of dope is causing all the problems again boys.
- Relax, relax Bubbles.
It's okay.
- You fucking smoked some of this, didn't you.
- Ricky.
Alex, listen.
Bubbles , should have won the guitar tech contest this afternoon.
Randy cheated and stole his answer.
- That's right Alex.
I'm a way bigger fan than him.
You're the best guitar playe r that ever lived.
- I appreciate that.
But I've got to get in to my stage stuff and get on stage - I'm not trying to be a dick, but are you going to pay for the weed you smoked? - Ricky.
Listen Alex, I don' t mean to be bothering you again man, but he really got cheated toda y on that contest.
Is there anyway he can be your guitar tech? - I don't know.
You can't just get up there and do it.
It's a tough gig.
- I swear to God I can do it I know everything about your stuff man.
Everything.
- Alright, alright he can do it.
Under this condition.
I don' t want to see him any more.
- I want to ride in the limo and I want you to pay for the dope and then we got a deal.
That's fair.
- Ah, you don't quit.
- Ricky, I'll pay for his dope - Alright, alright.
You go t the ride in the limo, alright.
Let's get to work.
- Thanks Alex.
Have fun Bubbles.
- Holy fuck, do I have it right? Cables in there, power's on.
She's on.
Everything's on.
Here we go.
She's all tuned up, polished .
There's your pick.
- Have a good one.
- Let's do it.
[playing song "Tom Sawyer" - I think when I saw what Rick y and Julian did for Bubbles and the lengths that they went to to just, uh, make him happy for that one little moment.
- Here you go Alex.
- How's it going Bubbles? You alright? - I'm doing alright.
I'm doing alright.
You're playing a good show - Perfect.
You did a great job today.
Everything sounds good.
Everything's in tune.
- Thanks Alex.
- Awesome.
- Thanks Alex.
- That was a fucking awesome concert man.
- You're fucking right it wa s an awesome concert.
- Alex, he still has something to say to you.
Rick.
- Yeah Ricky.
- I just want to apologize for some of the shit that went down earlier.
Even though it totally wasn' t my fault, but it happened and I guess I was a bit of a dick and you were a bit of a dick and there wa s a lot of people being dicks.
- Everyone can be a dick sometimes, but let's not worry about it alright.
- Can you come show me some fucking guitar chords - After what we've been through today, I'd love to - Alright.
- Alright.
- I tried to do "Closer to the Heart" but I got it messed up.
I got the pick in hand.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, this is easy Just move up one position there.
There you go, try that.
[playing "Closer to the Heart" - Should one of us sing it ? - Who did you have in mind