Trailer Park Boys s03e07 Episode Script

The Delusions of Officer Jim Lahey

- Hit em, Ricky! - Owww! - Dude! - It's the fucking Championship Game Trevor.
- Nice hit, Ricky.
Nice hit.
Give it to him Ricky! - Well today is the anniversar y of the day Mr.
Lahey got kicked off the force, so I'm trying to cheer him up.
Especially after what happened last week.
- And they still haven't fixed that yet.
So I'm making Mr.
Lahey some comfort food.
I picked these buttercups and froze them here in this ice cube tray.
I saw it on the Designer Guys.
- Here's your drink Mr.
Lahey.
- Oh, thanks Rand.
- Come on Corey, get her.
Get her, Corey, you can do it.
- Fuck off Trevor.
- Third man.
Third man in right here.
- Oh, aw, I give, I give, I give.
- Good fight, good fight.
- Third man in, he still got beat up by a girl - I wasn't holding it.
- Fucking penalty shot.
I could have scored there.
- Penalty shot for Ricky.
- Get the fuck out of the way Trevor.
- That's a penalty shot.
- It's fucking lemonade.
Haven't we got anything stronger than that? - Shit! I remember the first time I put it on.
I can't deal with this Randy .
Not today.
- That's okay Mr.
Lahey.
Everything's fine.
Let's just go to the liquor store.
- Good idea Randy.
I'm getting drunk today.
Big time.
- Lahey, I know you're fucking in there, and I know you can hear me .
Give us back our fucking ball.
I don't have time for your bullshit today.
- Ricky, can't we just hav e one day of no yelling and no horseshit and just play some fucking hockey.
Mr.
Lahey, can you please give us our ball back? - Give us back our fucking bal I you drunk son of a bitch.
- Boys, boys, boys, Ricky, Jesus.
Rick, Rick, Rick.
Don't get him going.
We don't need Lahey fucking up our plans later It's not worth it.
- Over the past couple of weeks, I don't know what is going o n with Lahey.
He is drinking a lot more.
He is fucking drunk today.
He's starting to push my buttons.
And that's not cool cause I'm not going to allow that to happen.
It's like he's got these thing s going on upstairs in his brain compartment that aren't working properly n He's got these fucking pike-ological shit going o and he better watch himself, he's going to get hammered - Randy's got our ball, I bet.
- Calm down guys, calm dow n here.
Julian, a word please.
Julian, I just wanted to ask you, I'm asking nicely here.
Would you guys mind not fuckin g around with Mr.
Lahey today, please.
- Where the fuck is our ball at, no shirt boy.
- Just a little respect Julian , that's all I'm asking for.
- Randy, just give us our ball back.
It's the third period.
We're almost done.
- And we're going to play no matter what you say anyway.
- Fine then.
Sorry Julian.
It's Saturday.
I'm the weekend trailer park supervisor.
The game is over.
I'm shutting it down.
- Oh, come on, Randy.
- Have it your way then, Randy .
Have fun dealing with Ricky.
Rick, you've got permissio n to do whatever you want here - Thanks, buddy.
- Julian, do you think that's a good idea? - Mr.
Lahey, they're dertermined not to stop the game.
And Mr.
Lahey, you're wearin g your old uniform? - Yeah.
Change is as good as the rest, Randy.
- I want that fucking ball back.
- They want the ball back.
We going to give it to them, Randy? - I'm not giving the ball back, Mr.
Lahey.
That would relinquish control of the park.
- I'm proud of you boy.
I taught you well.
Let's go to the LC.
- Trevor, can you go and buy us a ball.
- I want the game ball.
- Ray, Kojak got a wig on.
Ray - Ray, Kojak do got a wig on - Holy fuck Lahey, it's not Hallowe'en yet.
Or are you and Randy rehearsing for one of those plays you're always in.
- What is it, dress up as drunk cop day, Lahey? Or is it give us our fucking ball back day, huh? - Mr.
Lahey?! - Go on to Cheeseburger Depot.
- Ricky, something's not right with him.
- He's a fucking idiot, that's what's not right with him.
- No no Ricky.
I've never seen Lahey do that before.
He didn't even do anything when I said that nasty thing to him.
- Alright, the game is postponed until further notice.
Nobody wins.
- Come on, Julian.
- We've got to go grab those bottles at the school.
We're getting real close to going on the cruise.
By tomorrow we need three thousand dollars to put down or we lose our tickets.
And is that Trinity did this fund raiser for her school to go on a class trip.
They raised a bunch of money for empty bottles.
We raised three fucking gran d in the trailer park alone.
And basically what happened wa s is they said, Trinity is not allowed to go on the trip.
She got caught smoking on school grounds which is bullshit.
, What we said is "Fuck that", we're going to go down there take those bottles back, they're ours anyway, put it towards our own fucking trip.
Pisses me off.
Like I went to school, the education system complicated everything up for me and it's still going on.
Fuck the education system.
Do it our own way.
- Come on, buddy.
We're making our first down payment on the cruise, Rick.
We'll play hockey later.
- Come on Ricky, the cruise.
- The game is postponed caus e no mo-fuckers can go up to Canadian mo-fucker and bu y a new orange mo-fucker for$2.
99.
That's whack, Jules.
- Boys, I'm busy.
We'll play later.
- Fuck.
- The next time you come in here, Sir, you have to wear a shirt.
- The shirt thing again.
- Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir.
- I don't wear shirts.
- Look, it says right there.
No shirt, no service.
You have to wear a shirt - I can take my business - - Aaahhh! Give me the fucking money! Give me the money! - Ah, shit! - Oh, shit.
- Mr.
Lahey, that guy just robbed the liquor store.
You're a hero.
- Great work, Officer.
We've been trying to nail this asshole for about three weeks.
You're the first cop who's been able to get him - No problem.
All in a day's work.
Call this in downtown for me My assistant and I have some undercover work to do.
- Sure.
- Shit.
- Mr.
Lahey.
- Today's the day we regain control of Sunnyvale Trailer Park, Randy.
By whatever means necessary.
No more Mister Nice Guy.
What do you say we get the old bike out? - The day that J Rock loses his flow is the day that hair on Jim Lahey's bald head grow.
Check it out T.
Starsky and Gut.
- Alright boys.
Here's the scoop.
The Federal Government has officially declared Sunnyvale a town.
This envelope contains all the legal documentation.
You are all entitled to read it but I don't advise it because you're all too stupid.
Randy and I are now Sunnyval e official policeman.
That's right, I'm back.
The rules of engagement have changed.
You've got fifteen seconds to get these boys off the street.
Move.
- You got ten seconds before you pass out from being so drunk.
- Don't forget to tell Ricky and Julian the good news.
Officer Jim Lahey is back on the job.
g - Because he's just going around the trailer park tellin everybody that Sunnyvale is now a town.
Is that even possible? Well, he used to be the trailer park supervisor.
Well, yeah, I got your messages and - e - Brian, this is Sarah.
So are you saying that Sunnyval could legally be a town with its own police force? Really? Alright, no we'll call you back.
No, we're busy this weekend.
Sorry.
- So what did Brian, the big fancy lawyer, have to say.
- Well, he said it's possible.
- Bullshit.
Lahey got fired from the police forc e years ago.
He's not a cop.
He's just a drunk trailer park supervisor.
- Time to canvas the park for complaints from the good citizens about Ricky and Julian.
They're going down Randy, today.
- Mr.
Lahey, you're taking things way too far.
And I'm not comfortable pretending to be a cop.
- Pretending?! When you keep getting pelted with shit balls, Deputy, you gotta get a shit bat.
- I'm working on a plan to make some money today.
So I want everyone to stay away from Lahey and don't push any of his buttons.
Alright, Ricky? - Yeah, even if Lahey is a cop , there's nothing he can do.
He has nothing on us.
- Well Randy, we have , obnoxious behaviour and over one thousand dollars.
- Mr.
Lahey, most of that stuf f happened years ago.
You can't charge them for this now.
- Randy, the shit pool is getting full.
We better strain it before it over flows and causes a shit slide that could cover this entire community.
I will not have a Pompeian catastrophe happening in Sunnyvale.
- That was lava, not shit, Sir - Don't get smart with me, Randy.
It's cop talk.
Listen and learn.
- Hey T, check it out.
It's Rocky and Bull-mo-fucker.
On they bike.
- Rap concert's over boys.
This is your final notice.
You understand, Jamie? - Man, I know you didn't jus t call me, Jamie.
My name is J Rock.
I'd like to see you try that whack shit on Julian and Ricky cause they won't play it.
- It just so happens that I got a warrant for Ricky and Julian's arrest.
- You haven't seen the guy s around? We got a couple of questions for them.
- I got a question for Randy , Free Willy, does cheeseburgers ever blow out your blow hole you know what I'm saying? - You watch your fucking mouth - Jamie! - Mr.
Lahey, calm down.
- M.
o.
-fucker.
- Man, my mom gave me this for graduating grade nine - Okay, boys.
Hands on the hood.
You're both under arrest.
- Frig off Randy.
- Give me a little information on Ricky and Julian boys and maybe I won't throw yo u in jail for theft under a thousand dollars.
- No way! - Never! - We wouldn't sell our boys out.
, - After all the shit and disrespect they lay on you you boys would risk imprisonment for those shit idiots? Prison boys?! - Ricky's stealing bottles from Trinity's school today.
- It's true.
- Release them Randy.
- Get out of here.
- Search the car.
We've go t to nail those shit-iots.
Move! - Mr.
Lahey.
Shouldn't we wait and catch them in the act.
- Nyyah-nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.
Randy, we leave our jurisdiction, we don't have the authority.
Now search the car.
- What the fuck are Lahey and Randy doing, wearing cop uniforms with fake guns? Is that a fucking toupee he's got on? - Lucy! Sarah! - Those guys are fucked.
- He looks like a totally different guy.
- We've got a warrant for Ricky's arrest.
We know he's in there.
- They got a warrant do they ? - I'm not letting him in here.
- What a fucking joke.
What are you going to do Lahey Shoot me with your toy gun - Mr.
Lahey!? - Shut up, Randy.
Ladies, don't make me charge you for - - You guys got any guns here ? - No, we don't have any guns - Distract him.
I have to talk to Julian.
- I call my lawyer.
- You've got three seconds to open the door.
Three, two - Okay, so we come up in the tow truck like this And we hook it up to the truck with the bottles in it.
And we haul that cocksucke r over to your buddy at the bottle exchange.
And then we take the bottl e truck back to the school.
Then we take the tow truck back over to the junk yard And we do it all at lunch hour - Exactly.
The junk yard employee and the school security guy, they're at lunch.
So I take three grand down to the travel agency, put down our down payment.
No gun is ever used.
No chance of going to jail [gun shot and glass smashing - That sounds like a chanc e of going to jail right there - That better not be Ricky fucking around.
- It is Ricky.
- Lahey's lost it.
He's shooting at me.
Get down.
He's shooting through the window.
- You guys finally drove Lahey completely bananas.
He's lost it.
- Julian, give me a gun.
If I go to jail, I go to jail.
But I'm not letting Lahey send me there.
That's not right.
- Julian, you said no guns - Boys, relax.
We don't need guns and we're not going to a jail.
Julian, you've got three seconds before I shoot the door in - Ricky, where's your car? - It's at Lucy's.
- One! - Alright, we're gonna go out back.
- Two! - Bubbles, you distract hi as if we're still here, alright? - Three! - How do I do that Julian? - Mr.
Lahey, please, you'r e scaring me.
Put your gun away.
Someone could get hurt here.
- This is Julian, I've got everything under control.
Yeah, fuck off Lahey.
This is Ricky.
I've got my hand caught in the sink and I'm fucking stoned.
Don't shoot the door, you dick - Bubbles, is that you? - No this is Julian.
Bubbles is collecting carts.
- Mr.
Lahey.
- Convicts on the run.
- Convicts? - Fuck off! Stop fucking firing.
- Get off Sunnyvale property .
Let's go, come on.
- Okay gentlemen.
Exit the vehicle please.
- Lahey, don't fucking shoot me.
- Hands up.
No sudden movements or I will shoot.
Weapons on the ground.
- Jim listen.
We don't hav e any weapons on us.
- No sudden moves.
Turn that off, please.
Gentlemen, I'm a reasonabl e man.
Do you know what this is? - Walkie talkie? - Jesus, what the fuck was that fucking thing.
It's a stun gun Ricky.
- Didn't I tell you to turn that off.
- Ow! Fuck! - Come on, give me the keys.
I'm impounding this vehicle.
- There's no keys for it.
It's like a lawn mower.
- Get out of here! - Don't, don't.
- Bubbles, clear out.
Clear out.
- Snap out of it, Lahey.
What's wrong with you, you crazy bastard? - Clear out.
We're just doin g a little park cleaning here.
- You can't fucking retain me.
Lahey, I know you're watching and can hear me.
Let me the fuck out of here.
I swear to Christ you are goin g to pay for this bullshit when I fucking break the fuck out of here! - Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, calm down.
Ricky, calm down so I can think for minute alright? Calm down.
- What do you mean think for a minute? Look at us for fuck's sakes.
Fucked over, being electromocuted, the cruise money's fucked, I'll probably never play hockey again for fuck's sakes.
All because of Jim Lahey.
- Calm down Ricky.
You guys, calm down.
Julian.
- You fucking calm down Randy.
- Listen, Mr.
Lahey's goin g crazy here, guys.
I've never seen him - - What the hell is going o n here Deputy? - Nothing is going on here Mr.
Lahey.
Just calming the prisoners down.
You put your gun away.
- I left orders to follow a no mercy policy here.
- Lahey, I have to take a piss You're losing your fucking mind.
- Permission denied.
Go ge t the delousing powder, Randy.
I'm going to hose these little fuckers down.
- Mr.
Lahey, this is cruel and unusual punishment and it's against the law.
- Against the law is it Randy? Well I am the law.
Go get the chains and the orange gag balls.
- What the fuck are gag balls.
- You'll find out.
- Jim, can you take time out for a minute and think about what you're doing here, please? - Julian, I know exactly what I'm doing here.
- Chains.
Bolt cutters.
- Bubbles, where's Julian? I need to talk to him.
- Oh, it's no problem.
Officer Lahey just locked him up in his fucking jail shed s just go visit them, that's fine.
- In his jail? Look, he's no t even a cop, Bubbles.
I just talked to Lucy's lawyer.
He hasn't been put back on the force.
- That doesn't surprise me .
He's gone out of his mind.
Did you see his hair? - What are you doing? - I gotta go break them out.
I've got my chains.
I'm gonna hook it to the thing - Bubbles, Bubbles.
I got something to tell you.
- Oh yeah, what is it Randy? We're not cops.
I already knew that.
I'm going to break the boys ou t right now.
You try to stop me, I fucking dare you.
- Relax, relax, relax Bubbles.
Everything's gotten way out of control here.
- Yeah, no kidding.
I'm callin g the cops in.
Right now.
The real cops.
Not the crazy , fake, trailer park drunk, fat gut, crazy cops.
- Bubbles, you can't call the cops in.
- Why not?! - Because the real cops woul d humiliate Mr.
Lahey.
It might push him right over the edge.
Listen, I'll get your go-kar t back for you, and I got a plan, but I need your help.
- You'll get my go-kart back for me? - I'll get it back.
- What's your plan then? Let's do it.
- Good timing, Deputy.
- Mr.
Lahey.
Can you help me fix the tear in my pants? - Back to headquarters Randy .
I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks, Mr.
Lahey.
- How did you do this, Randy - I caught them on when I was jumping the fence, Mr.
Lahey - They're not torn Randy.
They've been cut.
- No, no, I tore them on the fence.
- What's going on here, Randy? - Nothing, I just tore my pants.
- You said that.
Something smells fishy here.
- Stay calm boys.
I'm goin g to get you out of here.
Be quiet, Ricky.
Be quiet.
I got it.
We've got to be quiet.
Quiet.
It's all right.
Randy is distracting Lahey We just gotta keep quiet.
- Don't fucking move.
- Mr.
Lahey, calm down.
Everything is going to be okay I called the police, Mr.
Lahey .
You left me no choice.
- You called the police Randy? - Yes.
- That was a very unfortunat e decision boy.
- Boys, Randy told me that somebody who thinks he's a cop isn't actually a cop.
He's just a drunk lunatic, so just don't do anything that's going to, Ricky - - Put a gun to my head, yo u delusional drunk bastard.
- All I ever wanted was a little bit of order in the park, Randy.
Make it a nice place to live One day you're a cop, and one day they take it all away from you.
I fucked up.
Are they going to send me to jail? - Fucking right you're going to jail! I'm gonna - - Frig off.
- Boys, listen, listen, listen .
The cops are coming.
Bubbles, get him out of here before he goes to jail.
- Julian, we've got to work out a deal here.
We can't let Mr.
Lahey go back to jail.
You know what they do to ex-cops in jail.
We'll do anything, right, Mr.
Lahey.
- Help me, Julian.
- Jim.
- Little too heavy on the booze, eh? Just a Just one more little drinkee poo.
Please, Julian.
For ol' times sake.
- Get these fucking chains off me, Jim.
- What's going on here, boys ? We had reports of gun shots.
- Gunshots? Geez, I can explain that.
Corey and Trevor, they set a fire cracker off.
They were just celebrating .
They had a little too much.
.
- Celebrating what? - Mr.
Lahey is donating to the Sunnyvale Trailer Par k street hockey team, aren't you, Jim? - Yeah, that's right Julian.
Is credit card okay? - I prefer cash in advance but that shouldn't be a problem, should it? - No, no problem, right Mr.
Lahey? - Whatever you think is fair Julian.
- Didn't think so.
Anyway Officer, sorry about the mix up.
- Jim, why are you in your old police uniform - We're practicing for a play at the - Blandford Recreation Centre.
- Hmm, nice fake.
That's your real badge, Jim.
I'm going to have to confiscate that.
- No, not my badge.
- Sorry, Jim.
I can't let you wander around drunk impersonating a police officer .
Give me the badge.
- I had two drinks.
- And get rid of the hair, it looks ridiculous.
- Copy that.
I'll be there i n two.
Julian, that's it for now I might have to come by later, get information for my report.
What time will you be in? - I usually make dinner around - Copy that.
Gentlemen.
- Your hair looks fine, Mr.
Lahey.
- What do you want Julian? - I got this back for you.
- Thanks Julian.
- Just don't put it on, or it's going to be my ass alright? - Deal.
- Thanks, Jim.
- Julian, I can't believe you let that shit fuck up our game today.
- Listen, we reserved cruise tickets on time so shut up and let's play hockey.
- Game on.
- Let's go.
- Go Ricky.
Scores! - Shit man, shit.