Trailer Park Boys s07e03 Episode Script

Three Good Men Are Dead

Man's Voice yelling: Who in the fuck stole my good clothes? [crow cawing] [crow cawing] Phil Collins: Hey Rand! Randy: Hey Phil.
Phil Collins: Don't know if I ever introduced you, but this is my son Jacob.
Randy: He's your son? Jacob: Randy, it's good to meet you.
Randy: Good to meet ya.
Phil Collins: Go see Ray man and get the water and the power hooked up.
Aren't ya glad to be here? Jacob: Yeah, is Julian around? Phil Collins: Don't worry about that now.
Get going.
Kids.
Come on, I want to show you something.
Have I got a business proposition for you buddy.
Randy: Nice.
Phil Collins: And this baby is going to do it for us.
It'll make us a fortune.
Let me show you inside.
Randy: Nice camper, Phil.
Phil Collins: Man, this is what I'm talking about.
I'm going to open my own chip wagon.
We're going to be partners.
Burgers, cheeseburgers.
Randy: What the frig's going on in there? [yelling] Phil Collins: Why are they busting Lahey's cock? Randy: What the frig's going on here, Ted? Ted: Randy.
It's okay, Lahey just had a few drinks.
It's not what it looks like.
Randy: A few drinks? George: It's okay Randy.
We just want to talk for a minute, okay? [sound of groaning] George: Geez, the stink of barbeque sauce in this Phil Collins: [burping loudly] George: Shut your, shut up Randy! Randy: Mr.
Lahey! Mr.
Lahey! Phil Collins: Cocksuckers.
George: Awful fat now, isn't it? Ted: George, what the fuck are we doing? George: Taking care of business Ted.
Phone books don't leave any marks.
Ted: Shit.
Ted: George, what are you doing? Haven't we done enough? George: You want to do some time, Ted? Come on, we're ending this, right now.
Ted: I don't believe this.
[music] [sound of go cart] Bubbles: Cock-knuckles.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
[sound of sniffing] Hello? Mr.
Lahey, is everything alright in there? [coughing] Boys! Phil! Phil, wake up.
Randy! Randy! Lahey! My god! Crazy liquor and cheeseburger party.
Ray: You got any problems with anything, just don't fucking call me, alright? Cause I don't, I just don't want to deal with anything [sound of crash] [sound of dog barking] Man: Have another drink Ray! Ray: Just gonna set you up here buddy.
Here's your water and your power hook up.
Sorry Jacob, listen buddy, welcome to the park.
You and Phil Collins.
I'm sure you're going to be very happy here.
Jacob: Well thanks Ray.
Ray: Okay buddy.
Can you give me a hand with this fucking door would ya buddy.
Just push down on her, yeah, that's all you have to do.
Jacob: Where does Julian live around here? Ray: He's over there somewhere buddy.
Take a walk around, make yourself at home.
Remember what I said.
What did I say? Jacob: Don't call you if there's any problems.
Ray: Got it.
Julian: We've got to start making some money so I can pay some bills man.
Ricky: No shit.
Julian: I've got an idea.
I don't want you freaking out.
We can move a lot of dope at the bowling alley in the mall.
A lot Ricky.
Ricky: The bowling alley again? Julian: Yeah.
Ricky: Julian, it sells for six bucks a gram.
Julian: I know, I know, I know.
But you can buy kush off the cops for nine bucks a gram.
Kush Ricky, that's primo weed.
We got to at least lower the price or something man.
Ricky: I don't care about all these fancy dopes.
My dope's as good as that stuff.
I'm not going less than ten.
You're lucky I want to do ten.
Ten is being more than fair here.
Bubbles: Boys! Boys! Come on, I need your help.
Ricky: Bubbles, what is going on? We can't understand you.
Come in here.
Bubbles: Julian, three men, liquor party.
Gone awry barbeque.
Burgers, god-damned greasy horror show.
Burgers.
Liquor everywhere.
Come on.
[coughing] Ricky: What the fuck went on in here? Bubbles: Some kind of a crazy liquor cheeseburger party Ricky.
Julian: Let's get them outside boys, come on! Phil Collins: [very loud burp] Julian: Bubbles, you gotta get Randy out of the way.
Come on! Bubbles: He's too fat.
Ricky: Can you guys give me a fucking hand in here? Come on, fucking help me.
Phil Collins: [loud burp] Ricky: Watch out.
He's got methadone gases, he's going to blow up.
Phil Collins: [loud burping] Ricky: Jesus, the smell of liquor and barbeque sauce boys, fuck, I can't take it.
Bubbles: Boys, they breathed in a lot of carbon monoxide.
We're going to have to give them mouth to mouth.
Ricky: I'm not fucking kissing these guys.
Julian: Ricky, it's not kissing them.
It's saving their lives.
We gotta do this.
Ricky: I'm not doing it here in the open where people can see.
Let's get the fucking wheelbarrow and move them somewhere.
Julian: Alright, we'll take them back to your place.
But let's hurry up, we're wasting time.
Bubbles: Let's load em up! Bubbles: Okay, who gets who in here? Ricky: I'll tell you right now, there's no way I'm doing that shit on Phil Collins.
Julian: Alright, we'll draw cigarettes then.
Ricky: Those are my cigarettes.
Julian: Shut up Ricky! Bubbles: How does this work Julian? Julian: Okay, the short one gets Phil.
Ricky: Oh, thank fuck! Bubbles: Oh dear.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I can't do it on Phil.
He smells like mackerel.
Julian: Do you want Randy or Lahey? Ricky: Fucking take Lahey, I guess.
Bubbles: Idea boys.
Here.
Take the tin foil.
Poke a hole in it.
Put it over their mouth, that way there's no lip to lip contact.
Ricky: Great idea Bubbles, great idea.
Bubbles: Okay boys, look.
Pinch the nose, tilt the head back, muckle on and start blowing air into them.
Lucy: Oh my god, what happened? Ricky: Crazy cheeseburger party got out of hand Lucy.
Call an ambulance right now.
Bubbles: You gotta keep driving the air out of them boys.
Phil Collins: [very loud burp] Bubbles: Jesus Christ! Phil exploded.
[sound of coughing] Ricky: What a stink! Oh my fuck, it worked.
Get some fresh air you fucking dummies.
What were you doing barbequing? Bubbles: Come on Phil, you big gurgling bastard! Ricky: Come on Lahey.
Bubbles: My fuck! Ricky, do I got mackerel juice on me? Jim Lahey: Thanks Ricky.
Julian: Here, have a drink Jim.
Jim Lahey: Thanks Julian but no thanks.
Julian: So what the hell happened to you guys? Jim Lahey: The last thing I remember was Ted and George attacking me with phone books.
They are going to pay dearly for this one.
Randy: I was wondering what they were doing with those phone books.
Jim Lahey: Randy, it's an old police tactic.
Phone books don't leave a bruise.
Lucy: But Jim, why would Ted and George want to beat you up? Jim Lahey: Cause I was supposed to do some paperwork for them last night and I didn't.
Julian: Paperwork? Jim Lahey: Guys, they're on to you at the airport.
They wanted me to process search warrants for your trailer, for J-Roc's and Lucy's.
But I tore them up to protect you.
Julian: Jesus Jim.
Bubbles: Mr.
Lahey, why would you go have a crazy cheeseburger liquor party and barbeque inside? It doesn't make sense.
Jim Lahey: I wasn't barbequing inside Bubbles.
Bubbles: Yes you were.
The barbeque was laying right in the middle of the living room.
Ricky: Look at your fucking robe.
There's still burn marks from the charcoal.
Jim Lahey: Oh my god.
They tried to kill me.
Phil Collins: They tried to kill us Jimmy.
They did.
They're dirty fucking cops.
Jim Lahey: Jesus, shut the fuck up Phil.
And they tried to make it look like an accident.
Bubbles: My god.
Jim Lahey: Time to put on the gloves boys.
We got two shiny shit badges to get rid of.
And it's going to get messy.
Bubbles: Excuse me, should I be treated too? I inhaled nebulized mackerel juice.
Ricky: I cannot fucking believe Officers Cock-knuckles and Dickwad.
When can they get another warrant? Jim Lahey: Tomorrow morning.
Well boys, there is something we can do.
But I'll be honest with you.
It'd be dangerous.
Perhaps even life threatening.
Problem is, we need someone to put it on the line.
Someone with nothing to lose.
Someone with absolutely no hope.
Ray: Jesus Jimmy.
What the hell happened here buddy? Jacob: Dad, you're a good man.
Why would the police try to kill you? Phil Collins: Those dirty cops didn't want any witnesses.
Dirty pricks.
Not all cops are like that though son.
Julian: Hey, you got a hair cut didn't you? Jacob: Oh yeah.
Julian: Looks cool man.
Jim Lahey: Look, we got a lot of work to do here.
We can talk about Jacob's hair later.
We need evidence of George and Ted beating someone up.
We gotta frame them.
It's the only way.
That's where you come in Ray.
Ray: What do you mean, Jimmy? Jim Lahey: Ray, you're going to have to let Ted and George beat you up.
Ricky: I'm not going to let my dad get beatened up.
Jim Lahey: Listen, trust me, it's not going to hurt.
Ray: Just a second now Rick.
Just uh, let's hear him out.
Uh, Jimmy, I'll tell ya one thing though.
I'm not doing anything unless I get a bottle of liquor in front of me.
I don't care what happens.
Jim Lahey: Already thought of that Ray.
Randy: That was my idea, Mr.
Jim Lahey: Randy! Lucy: Jim! Randy: Lucy, let it go.
Jim Lahey: Well? Ray: Well, I don't know if it's worth it for just a free bit of liquor Jim.
Ricky: It's not Dad, it's stupid.
Bubbles: Mr.
Lahey, do you have access to Ray's drinking and driving records down at the police station there? Jim Lahey: Where you going with this Bubbs? Bubbles: One second.
Ray, Shitty knows a lot of people.
If we delete those records, he could probably get you a rig, we could get you on the road, Ray.
This is a no-brainer.
Ray: I don't know what you're talking about Bubbs.
Bubbles: [whispering] Scrap metal.
Mr.
Lahey? Jim Lahey: Yes Bubbs.
Bubbles: Well, I'm just thinking you know, you can delete those drinking and driving records for Ray, you got yourself a dealio! Jim Lahey: That's a pretty tall order Bubbles.
Bubbles: Yeah, it's a tall order but if anyone can do it, you can.
You're a powerful, powerful man, Mr.
Lahey.
Jim Lahey: You phone George.
He'll believe it coming from you.
You say Ray found our three bodies, he's drunk, and he's saying he saw stuff.
He'll come for sure then.
Lucy: Okay.
Ricky: Fuck, you got sweat all over me, you fucking sweaty beach ball.
Randy: Frig off Ricky.
Ricky: Frig off Randy.
Jacob: How much can you bench press Julian? Julian: A lot Jacob.
Ricky: Look, fucking Randy's getting high again.
Jim Lahey: Randy.
Maybe you could lay off the dope for a couple of minutes.
I need two aluminum bats.
Randy: There's two under Jim Lahey: Randy, go get em! Bubbles: Lahey! Do you even care your fucking trailer is smoldering in here? Jim Lahey: Phil? Phil: Jacob, stop staring at Julian and make sure that fire is out.
Jacob: Dad! Phil: Go, boy, go.
Jim Lahey: Phil, I want you to go in there and make sure everything is exactly the same as when and Ted and George, now get the fuck in there.
Ray, when Ted and George get here, I want you to hint that you saw something.
Now they're not going to do anything til they're sure what you know.
Then, you take em up here, anywhere in this area in front of the car.
Anywhere in here.
And that's when you tell them that you have a back spasm.
You got it? Ray: Uh-huh.
Jim Lahey: Good.
Ray: Okay bud.
Lucy: They're never going to fall for that.
Jim Lahey: Of course they will Lucy.
It's George Green.
Think about it.
Ricky: You banged him, so you know how dumb he is.
You bang the stupidest guys, I don't get it.
Fucking Randy and George.
Jim Lahey: Here Bubbs.
I need you to crouch down.
They can't see you.
When you hear Ted and George hitting Ray, you're going to press record.
Bubbles: Right there.
Jim Lahey: You got it? Bubbles: Yes.
Jim Lahey: Good.
Bubbles: Alright.
Jim Lahey: Alright.
Ricky, Julian, Lucy.
You're going to be watching from behind the trailer.
You're going to come out and help me make the arrest.
Got it? Jacob: The fire's out, what should I do next Mr.
Lahey? Jim Lahey: I'm sorry Jacob.
I got nothing for you on this one.
Jacob: Is it okay if I just hang out by Julian? Jim Lahey: Yeah, it's okay if you fucking hang out by Julian, I don't give a shit.
Phil Collins: What don't you just fucking lighten up Jimmy? Jim Lahey: What are you talking about, you dumb gurgling Ricky: Fuck.
Why do you keep fucking getting up in everybody's face? Just stay out of this.
Everyone shut the fuck up.
Jim Lahey: I need control on this one.
We gotta fucking work together on this.
Randy: Are those bats Jim Lahey: Randy.
Ray look.
They're kids' bats.
Light as a feather.
They're aluminum.
Ray: Jim, come on.
They're hard as rock buddy.
Come on.
Ricky: Dad, they make beer cans out of it.
It's not that bad.
We've crushed those on our head before.
Jim Lahey: Right.
Let's get Ray some liquor and do this.
Ray, what do you need? Another forty.
Ray: Two Jimmy.
Jim Lahey: Good man.
Ricky: Dad, I promise you, I'm not going to let you get hurt.
You'll be okay.
Ray: You think it's going to be alright? Ricky: I sort of trust Lahey now.
I think it's yeah.
Ray: Trust my son, I trust you buddy.
Ricky: I trust you too Dad.
Lucy: You've got to get the fuck over here.
There's an emergency.
Ray's shooting off, saying that he saw a bunch of stuff and great, thanks.
They'll be right over.
Jim Lahey: Great work, Luce.
You ready Ray? Drunk enough? Ray: Feeling no pain, Jimmy.
Jim Lahey: Alright boys, take your positions.
D-day.
Ricky: Okay Dad? Ray: Not feeling good buddy.
Ricky: Alright, love ya.
Ray: Love you man.
Jacob: Hey, is that real gold? Julian: Fourteen carats buddy.
Come on, let's go.
[siren] Police Officer Ted: What's going on here Ray? Ray: Terrible accident Teddie.
Three good men are dead.
Police Officer Ted: Yup, we've seen this kind of thing before.
Police Officer George: What a tragedy.
Crazy liquor and cheeseburger party gone out of control.
Look what happens.
God damned shame.
Ray: Don't blame this on the liquor boys.
Police Officer Ted: What do you mean by that Ray? Ray: Just what I said Ted.
Police Officer George: So did you actually see what happened Ray? Ray: Hard to say exactly boys.
Had a couple of drinks, saw a couple of things.
Police Officer George: Was there something on your mind? Maybe something you'd like to share with us.
Ray: There's something on my mind.
Police Officer George: Well let's hear it.
Ray: Alright.
You boys want a drink.
Police Officer George: Ah, no, we're good.
Ray: Yeah? Police Officer George: You got something to say.
Ray: Oh.
Jesus boys, oh.
Police Officer George: What's wrong? Ray: Oh fuck.
It's my back.
Just a second, whoa fuck, Jesus.
Just a second.
I gotta work this out boys.
Oh fuck.
Jesus, George.
Take this bat buddy.
You gotta do me a favour.
You gotta hit me on the back with that bat.
Teddy, grab that bat.
Police Officer Ted: You sure? Ray: Oh yeah, fuck yeah boys, come on.
Police Officer George: Ray, we still need that statement.
Ray: It's the only way to get rid of the spasms George.
Fuck! Police Officer Ted: Like this? Ray: No boys.
Come on to me.
You gotta really come on to me there.
Oh! Oh! Jim Lahey: Did you get it Bubbles? Hands in the air boys, you're under arrest for police brutality.
Police Officer George: You, what the fuck? Ricky? Ricky: Yeah, that's right.
Police Officer George: What the fuck is going on here? Jim, take that weapon off us right now.
Jim Lahey: Bring them inside boys.
Police Officer Ted: Let go of me.
Julian: Try to kill my fucking friends.
Jacob: BAM! Phil Collins: Peanut butter and jaaaaaaam! Jim Lahey: What the fuck are you doing Phil? Police Officer Ted: What makes you think that you're going to get away with this? Jim Lahey: Hey, we'll take our chances.
[shouting and groaning] Ricky: Hey Dad.
How you feeling? Jim Lahey: Fuck! Ricky: Lahey, what the fuck are you doing? Ray: Jimmy? You alright there Jimmy? Right on.
Thanks buddy.
Jim Lahey: Ray, we got a problem.
Ray: What's that? Jim Lahey: You're looking too good.
Ray: I don't feel so good buddy.
I feel like a piece of shit, to be honest with you.
Jim Lahey: Listen buddy.
I'm going to have to hit you in the face, fifteen or twenty times.
It's your choice Ray.
I understand if you don't want to do it.
Ray: I'm going to do it.
I want that rig boys.
I just don't want you to hit me Jimmy.
I want my boy to hit me.
Ricky: Dad, I'm not going to hit you in the face, okay? Ray: I want you to do it.
Go ahead, give me one of your best shots.
Ricky: I'm not hitting you Dad.
Ray: Rick, we gotta do it bud.
Go ahead.
Ricky: Well, I mean.
If you did get back on the road, what kind of a rig do you think you'd be driving.
Ray: Oh fuck man, I know exactly what I want.
A fucking Western Star [groan] Jesus.
Ricky: I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I gotta do this.
It's only going to take a few minutes.
[shouting and groaning] Jim Lahey: You're a good man Ray.
Ray: Oh man.
Ricky: You're my Dad, right? You're my Dad.
Ray: Yeah, oh fuck, yeah.
[mumbling] Ricky: I feel bad.
I understand if you want to give me one shot.
Ray: No fuck.
Buddy, I'm not like that, I'm not like that.
Come on, you know I'm not like that.
Seriously, bygones.
Fucking, you suckered me buddy.
Come on, what's with that? Lawyer: Let me see if I understand what counsel is saying and correct me if I'm wrong.
Jump in at any point.
Officers Green and Johnson were lured to the Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
Where they were tricked into beating up a defenseless man with baseball bats because he had back spasms.
And then later on, to help sell what we clearly see are very real injuries on Ray's body, Ray had his friends beat him for real while he was drunk.
Is that basically it? He staged a beating of himself.
Bubbles: Preposterous.
Ricky: Yeah, I mean, I'm not in college, but you guys got books and stuff to see that this is obviously a little fucky.
Lawyer: Why don't we watch the video and see if it supports that theory.
[groaning] Ray: Your honour, I, can we please turn that shit off.
I can't watch it anymore.
Ricky: Please shut it off.
I mean, the beating is one thing but now my dad's got all this psycho-piss-a-logical stuff in his head.
Because of the beating, these guys can't be on the streets anymore.
Phil Collins: [loud burp] [groans from everyone] Bubbles: Ricky, there's onion ring fragments on me.
Get them off.
Ricky: I'm not touching those.
Bubbles: Get them off! Lucy: Here.
Phil Collins: I'm sorry your honour.
Lawyer: The Crown rests My Lord.
Judge: Okay, well under the circumstances, I think I've heard enough.
Officers Green and Johnson, please stand.
You both had so much promise.
Officers Green and Johnson, you will spend the next five years in prison thinking about your actions.
Effective immediately.
Police Officer Green: Five years! Congratulations Jim.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Jim Lahey: You crossed the line George.
You crossed the shit line.
Bubbles: You fooled them Ray.
Fooled everyone.
Ray: It was unbelievable today in that courtroom.
I mean, they believed everything we fucking did.
Bubbles: It was great.
Ray: What the hell was Phil eating anyway? Chicken wings? Bubbles: Onion rings.
Ray: I had a piece of fucking chicken wing on the back of my neck Bubbles: Ray, listen! I gotta tell you something.
I got you a rig.
Ray: Ah, Bubbles, come on, don't fuck with me.
Bubbles: I'm not fucking with you! I worked out a deal with Shitty Ray.
We got a rig for thirty days, hauling scrap metal.
Ray: You got me a rig? Bubbles: Yeah.
Ray: Me.
For to drive? Bubbles: You're a trucker again Ray! Ray: Buddy, I don't know what to fucking say.
Bubbles: Don't say anything Ray.
You're back on the road, but I'm in charge.
Ray: Oh fuck yeah! Rip by Malolillo