Trailer Park Boys s07e08 Episode Script

Let the Liquor Do the Thinking

[music] Bubbles: How long have you guys been in here? Can you get the fuck out of my shed, please? I got a letter from Ray.
[reading] Dear Bubbles.
Hope you are well.
I'm really sorry I fucked everything up.
I'm doing okay.
This US jail is really luxury.
Good food, nice cell, lots of liquor and the guards are stupider as fuck.
[laughter] Don't mean to scare you buddy, but this is on the cover of the Bangor Daily News.
Bubbles: Oh my fuck! [reading] Janitor witness in Swayzie Express robbery.
Janitor saw "greasy looking" Canadians in parking lot on drugs.
Swayzie offers $50,000 reward for return of prize model train.
Swayzie! [music] Randy: Ah! Sugarcocks! Lucy: Hey Randy.
How's the cooking going? Randy: It's going okay.
It's hard to flip with this hand.
Friggin cast.
Lucy: Yeah, but they're so cute.
Randy: Yeah, they are eh? I'm going to add them to the menu, I'm going to call them Baby Dirty Burgers.
Lucy: Cute.
Hey listen, Randy.
I've got something [loud bird cry] Randy: Did you hear that? Lucy: Did I hear what? Randy: The chickadees, Luce.
It sounds like they're saying cheeeeeseburger.
[loud bird cry] Lucy: Okay, that's cool.
Listen babe, I want to talk to you about something.
Here, I got this for you.
Randy: Thanks Luce.
Lucy: Anyway, you know.
Things with you and Phil Collins are going so awesome and the whole Dirty Burger thing and we are having a baby soon right.
So I was thinking that [bird cry] Randy: There it goes again.
Lucy: You know what, fuck it.
Forget it.
This is a really bad idea.
Randy: What Lucy? Lucy? Lucy: This doesn't matter.
Randy: Lucy, I'm sorry.
Lucy: Randy, will you marry me? I mean, I know that seems kind of sudden and everything but we're having a baby together and I love you Randy.
I don't care about your gut, I don't care about all the cheeseburgers, I don't care about all the dope.
I love all of you.
[bird cry] [sound of answering machine beep] Randy: [recorded message] Mr.
Lahey, it's Randy.
Guess who asked me to marry her? Lucy.
I said yes Mr.
Lahey.
[beep] Randy: Pants are really tight Lucy.
Lucy: Okay, well you know what? Let me just, let's just try this on.
Put your up.
There you go.
Um, they might be a little tight, but maybe we can get some Lycra, I don't know.
We'll see.
Randy: It's nice fabric.
Lucy: It is really nice fabric but you know, I don't even know if they're going to take it out, you know, it's just.
Bubbles: [clearing his throat] Lucy: Hey Bubbles.
Randy: Hey Bubbles.
Bubbles: Randy.
J Roc: What's cracking Bubbles? Bubbles: Nothing.
Nothing Lucy I think.
Could you set me up with some new clothes.
Something really different? Lucy: Sure.
Sure, um.
J Roc: Bubbles, you aight? You seem baked or some shit, dawg.
Bubbles: No, I'm not baked.
Tyrone: It's alright man, we're all stoned.
Bubbles: Look, I'm not stoned.
I just need a whole new get up.
Something different.
Lucy: Yeah, okay.
Okay, you know what.
No idea, you're up for anything? Bubbles: Just, where people will go, who's that guy? Never saw him before.
J Roc: Bubbles, I got it B.
You should roll in a suit.
You know what I'm saying.
Could be tight.
That's me and T roll now, you know how I mean.
Even un-skinny bop's rocking a gudexo.
Luce set this ma-fucker up with a suit.
Solid tight.
Randy what's that? [slap] Lucy: Um, we don't have any suits right now Bubbles, but you know what we do have? We've got a bunch of new shirts.
What about this? Bubbles: Next.
Ricky: I'm going to be honest.
It is taking me a long fucking time to accept that Randy is going to be the father of mine and Lucy's baby.
But it's one of those things you can't change so I guess I gotta accept it.
Be happy for Lucy.
I mean, I am happy for Lucy.
Right now, I just gotta concentrate on my fucking job and finally sell this fucking dope.
I gotta make sure nothing get's fucked up because this is the chance of a lifetime.
So please for once, I can't let this get fucked up.
Ricky: Nice, you got all the wheels on.
Alright, pay attention.
These go on here like this, okay.
So that's just fucking dumb.
I mean, you gotta cut this off, jam it in, tape it shut and then tape these to the box cars.
And don't use too much tape.
It's my good fucking tape okay? Jacob: That is nice tape.
Julian: Here you go buddy.
Jacob: Oh, thanks man.
Ricky: Jam those things full Jacob.
We don't have many.
What the fuck?! Julian: It's Bubbles.
Ricky: What the fuck's going on with his head? Julian: I don't know.
Wait here man.
Bubbles: [whispering] Boys, it's me.
Julian: We know man.
Bubbs, what's going on? Bubbles: From now on, my name is Scorpion.
Can we go talk in private somewhere? Julian: Let's go.
Ricky: You okay? Bubbles: I don't know.
Ricky: Holy fuck.
That is definitely you.
Bubbles: I know Ricky, but I mean, I'm looking pretty different now, aren't I? Julian: That wig's freaking me out.
Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit.
Ricky: Don't worry about this train shit.
Patrick Swayzie is not after you man.
We're in Canada.
We're safe.
And if anything does go down, just blame it on Jacob and the alien Trevors.
So, disguise's working, sit down and relax.
Bubbles: I'm relaxed boys.
No problem.
[humming] Julian: Are you okay? Bubbles: Who? Julian: You.
Bubbles: I'm fine.
Julian: Well Bubbs, you can talk to us if there's something wrong, you know.
Bubbles: There's nothing wrong Julian.
[phone ringing] Julian: Right on.
That must be Sebastian.
Hello? Hey, Sebastian, what's up man? Right on, just, just one second.
Bubbs, where you going? Bubbles: I've got to split.
Julian: We've got a conference call.
Bubbles: I know.
That's what I'm saying.
Julian: Well get back here.
Sorry about that man.
Just a sec.
Gotta switch to the speakerphone.
Okay, can you hear me? It's Julian.
Sebastian Bach: [on speakerphone] What the fuck's going on? Ricky: You got Ricky and Bubbles here too.
How's it going? Sebastian: I'm getting nervous about this bullshit man.
There's a fucking forest fire spreading just south of the train track.
I'm thinking about shutting this down.
Bubbles: Oh excellent news Julian.
A forest fire! Julian: Okay, that's not going to be a problem okay.
We're professionals.
We're leaving with the dope today.
Everything's all set up.
I'll give you a call as soon as we're on the road, alright.
Sebastian: Alright.
Fuck! I've gotta go.
My wife's coming.
Later boys.
Julian: See ya man.
Fuck, we got a lot of work to do Rick.
Bubbles: [sighs] [humming] Ricky: Bubbles, where you going now? Bubbles: I gotta go Ricky.
I just need to have a drink, be by myself, and think about things.
Maybe down at the swamp or something.
I just need a little break from all the crazy stuff that's all.
I mean, this train thing can be very dangerous.
A lot of things can go wrong.
Could get burned up in a forest fire.
An operation this size, you don't know who's after you.
Could be the FBI, ATF, fucking Patrick Swayzie.
Who knows.
Lahey's off the fucking rails so.
You know, I just need a little break, that's all.
Randy: What do you want, Mr.
Lahey? Mr.
Lahey: Randy.
Randy: What are you doing? Mr.
Lahey: I just gotta talk to you for a second Randy.
Randy: No.
Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Randy, come with me.
Randy, listen buddy.
Listen Randy, this is very important bud.
You gotta come.
I got a lot to talk to you about.
Randy: My arm, Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Sorry about your arm Randy.
Come on.
Come on buddy.
It's a red letter day.
Randy: Mr.
Lahey, what the hell are you doing? Mr.
Lahey: Listen, it's just a matter of time before this all goes to shit Randy man.
I think it might just be better to end her, bud.
Randy: You can't end it Mr.
Lahey.
Who'd look after the park.
Look, let's just get out of the car Mr.
Lahey.
Have a couple drinks, talk about this.
Worst mistake I ever made was getting together with Lucy.
Mr.
Lahey: I'll drink to that bud.
Randy: Mr.
Lahey, the car! Mr.
Lahey: Ah shit! Fucked her, bud.
Let's go down and see what liquor we can salvage.
Wanna get drunk tonight Rand? Randy: Yeah Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Where do we go from here, Banny- Ran? You're engaged.
Randy: It's pretty frigging complicated.
Mr.
Lahey: We can work through this Rand.
[smashing sound] Mr.
Lahey: Through just about anything bud.
Just think of the history we have together.
Don't marry her, Rand.
Randy: I said yes.
I mean, what am I going to do? Mr.
Lahey: I don't know Randy.
But I know I can't handle this.
Go and talk to her.
Randy: What am I going to say, Mr.
Lahey? Mr.
Lahey: I don't know Randy.
Use your imagination.
Then you come back and we'll have a little barbeque and we'll have some liquor and mustard and we have a lot of good times Randy, what'dya say? Randy: Burgers? Lucy: Hey Randy.
Hi.
Randy: Hey Lucy.
Look, we really gotta figure out this engagement stuff.
Lucy: Yes.
Have you been drinking? Randy: No, couple drinks.
[smash] Lucy: He's wasted out of his mind.
Randy: No he's not.
Lucy: Did you get drunk with him? Randy: No, couple of drinks.
Lucy: Randy, stay the fuck away from Jim Lahey.
Okay, you and he are done and I don't want anyone, especially him, fucking this shit up.
I love you Rand.
See you later.
Randy: Where you going, Luce? Lucy: Oh, J Roc is picking me up.
He and T are taking me to work at the airport.
Julian: Hey, I think I just saw him sneaking behind the trailer.
Ricky: What the fuck is he doing? Julian: Fuck knows man.
I told ya.
He's fucking losing it.
Bubbles! Come here.
What's up buddy? What are you doing? Bubbles: Nothing.
Ricky: What's up buddy? Julian: Bubbs, slow down.
What are you doing man? Bubbles: What? I'm just out for a walk boys.
Ricky: I saw that shit in the paper.
It's no big deal man.
You couldn't even tell it was you.
Julian: Listen, we'll return the Swayzie Express as soon as we're finished using it, okay? Bubbles: Yeah, that's fine Julian.
Why don't you guys get the dope loaded up.
I'm just kinda getting myself together here.
Julian: You okay man? Bubbles: Yup.
Ricky: He's fucked.
Randy: Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Hi Randy.
How'd it go with Lucy? Randy: Mr.
Lahey, I still have strong feelings for you Mr.
Lahey.
I don't know why.
But I do.
Look, I tried to break up with Lucy, she wouldn't let me.
I'm scared of her Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Randy, we're going to have to do something about Lucy.
Randy: What Mr.
Lahey? Mr.
Lahey: I don't know Randy.
Maybe these things have a way of working themselves out.
I'm going to let the liquor do the thinking.
Have a drink.
Mr.
Lahey: All units, all units.
Hold your positions.
Suspects are in possession of stolen luggage and are loading as we speak.
As soon as they're complete, we'll move in and take them over.
Have your pepper spray ready.
Watch your backgrounds.
Let's move.
[sirens] Tyrone: Okay man, you got me.
J Roc: Hey, you know what I'm saying.
Sarah: Get your hands off me.
You can't just grab me.
J Roc: Hey, we don't even know them crazy bitches dawg.
They just jumped in the car down at Burger King, dawg.
Lucy: Fuck you.
Lahey, how dare you? Try to get Randy killed, drunk and then try to get us arrested.
You're not ruining my fucking wedding day.
No fucking way.
Mr.
Lahey: Jesus, Lucy.
Lucy, don't make me use this pepper spray on you.
Lucy: You cannot fucking spray me because I'm pregnant.
So fuck you! J Roc: In hindsight, it's kind of suspicious that they had all that luggage, you know what I'm saying, but we didn't think to ask them.
You try to help some ma-fuckers out.
Look what happened.
[yelling] [sound of pepper spray] Sarah: Get your hands off me.
Mr.
Lahey: Lucy, you're under arrest.
Lucy: Fucking dick! J Roc: We surrendering in peace dawg.
And I would like to file charges too against them two ladies, you know what I'm saying.
For car jumping inery.
Mr.
Lahey: Oh shit.
Randy: I got here as fast as I could Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Randy, good to see you.
Randy: Is Lucy going to be okay? Mr.
Lahey: Yeah, she'll be fine.
Sort of big shit storm take down by the cops Rand.
I tried to stop it but, maybe this is fate telling you what to do.
You want to go visit Lucy in jail or maybe you want to come with me to the liquor store? Randy: I want to go with you to the liquor store.
Mr.
Lahey: Good decision.
Randy: Holy frig Mr.
Lahey.
That looks just like Bubbles.
Mr.
Lahey: That is Bubbles.
He's wanted in the United States for stealing a model train from Bangor, Maine.
Fifty thousand dollar reward.
Randy: That's a lot of money, Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Fifty thousand dollars Rand.
Maybe our luck's changing? I sense a shit derailment coming.
Randy: Shit derailment.
That's a good one, Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Randy.
Ricky: Hey Bubbles.
Bubbles: [gasp] Ricky: What the fuck happened to you? You fall down? Bubbles: No.
Yes.
I was being chased by dogs.
Ricky, I need some space here.
Ricky: Anyway Bubbles, look.
We could really use you on this one man.
We could really fucking use your help.
Julian: This is almost over.
We can't finish this without you.
You're the engineer Bubbs.
You.
Without an engineer, we can't do this.
Come on.
Who's the engineer buddy? Bubbles: I'm the engineer Julian.
Julian: So what do you say? Bubbles: Yeah, let's do it.
You know, we gotta race that forest fire though and let's get rid of this thing.
It's making me a bit crazy or something.
Let's do it.
Julian: Alright, we gotta load up the dope tonight.
We gotta get the fuck out of the park.
Ricky: Alright, no problem.
Ricky: What the fuck? Who the fuck put locks [sound of gun cocking] Mr.
Lahey: Hands up gentlemen.
Don't move.
Ricky: Lahey, what the fuck are you doing? Oh my god, you're drinking again, are ya? Mr.
Lahey: Maybe I am Rick.
Maybe I'm not.
Who knows.
Who's your little shit friend in the fucking wig? Nice disguise Bubbs.
You might be able to fool the FBI, but you can't fool the FB- Me.
Bubbles: [using high pitched voice] Huh, I'm not Bubbles.
I just moved here from the desert.
My name's The Scorpion.
I need some, hold on, Jesus Murphy.
Julian: Jim, what's going on here? What about our peace treaty? Mr.
Lahey: Liquor's more powerful than a peace treaty Julian.
You know that.
You know that Julian.
Ricky: So we can't have our dope back cause you're drinking again? Mr.
Lahey: Oh Rickles.
This isn't about the dope.
This is about the Swayzie Express.
Ricky: How the fuck did he find out about that? Mr.
Lahey: Listen, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't Ricky: What the fuck are you trying to say? I can't understand you.
Randy: Concentrate Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: I don't care why you stole it Ricky.
I don't want to hear about it.
I just want the train.
With the fifty thousand dollar reward money, me and Bo-Bandy are flying off the Mexico.
Randy: Yeah, we're going to Mr.
Lahey: Randy! Ricky: Flying off to Fuck-Off-Ico.
What about Lucy Randy? Randy: You didn't hear? She's in jail Ricky.
Ricky: She is in what?! Mr.
Lahey: That's right, Rick.
You're little Lucy-Goosey's in jail.
Guess what boys.
This trailer is now mine.
I don't get that train by ten o'clock liquor store opening tomorrow morning and I'm going to burn this fucking shit box to the ground and I'm going to call the FBI on your little buddy Bubbles.
And I'm still going to collect the fifty thousand dollars reward money.
So, either way you look at it gentlemen, I win! Julian: The liquor's going to let you down Jim.
Mr.
Lahey: The liquor's going to let me down Julian? Ricky: Haven't you got learned any lessons about you drinking and dealing with us.
It's going to come down to one big god-damned fucking horror show Lahey.
And it is on now.
Bubbles: His little glasses.
My friend Conky, he was a little ventriloquist puppet I had when I was a little guy.
My grandfather left it to me apparently.
He was a vaudeville ventriloquist and you know, the other kids would start teasing me and calling me names and what not, I would have Conky to defend me.
He'd jump right in and tell the other kids to fuck off and, you know, piss off, things like that.
It was great for me, cause then it wasn't me doing it, it was Conky.
I didn't have to deal with it.
Conky: You just remember, I call the shots here Bubbles.
You got it? Bubbles: Yes Conky.
Conky: Good.
Bubbles: But maybe last time I had him, he got a little carried away.
You know, he was really giving it to Ricky and Julian and eventually Julian had enough and he pulled out his gun and he blew Conky's head off.
Conky: Fucking Dirty Dancing! [gun shot] Bubbles: Yeah, that was the end of him.
And then he went back in the swamp and he's been there ever since.
Until now.