Trailer Park Boys s12e03 Episode Script

1 [rattling.]
[engine shutting off.]
[singing, humming.]
Hey, fellas.
How you doing today? You're up early.
[humming.]
Holy fuck! Hey, Randy, are you in there? I got your beer out here, bud.
[Randy.]
Just leave it on the deck, Bubbles.
Well, I can't do that, Randy.
Your fucking steps are gone.
[Randy.]
What? Your steps.
Something was eating your goddamn steps, bud.
What the frig? Looks like there's blood all over them, too.
Look at that.
Mr.
Lahey, get out here and check this out.
That is blood.
[Bubbles.]
Why the fuck did I just taste that? What? Think it's raccoon? It's not raccoon, Randy.
It's Rick-coon.
Be careful, Ricky.
I don't want you to hurt yourself.
Look, if it can't be fixed, it just can't be fixed.
No, no, I'll fix the cocksucker.
Don't worry.
[Marguerite.]
Hey, Alvena! Lord lifted Jesus! You didn't hire this fucking moron? He totally trashed my goddamn bathroom putting up a fucking towel rack! Wasn't my fucking fault.
I told you, you'll get a brand new bathroom.
Just waiting for some parts to come in.
Jesus Christ! [laughing.]
When? Next summer on the ice? You dumb fuck! Fuck you two guys, too! Oh, my! What a coincidence! We're missing deck boards and Ricky here is redoing a fucking deck! These aren't your boards here, cock welders.
Not even the same colour.
Yours are brown, these are white.
There's the proof right there, Mr.
Lahey! That's our deck colour.
These are our boards.
I'm taking them back.
You got no fucking proof.
Get the fuck off - [Alvena.]
I don't want any trouble.
- Don't worry, Alvena.
I'll have these two Hungarian ass munchers out of here in 10 seconds! Frig off, Ricky! Fuck me - Beat him Rand.
Take him, Randy! - You want to fight? - The pants are coming off.
- Hold on a second.
- [phone ringing.]
- Right now! You take your fucking pants off.
Susan? I told you to stop fucking calling me.
I'm at work right now.
I've gotta go.
[Mr.
Lahey.]
Randy! For fuck's sakes! I don't give a fuck if you miss me, I miss you too.
You're the one who said it's done, why are you even calling me? - Get him, Randy.
- [grunt.]
- Huh? - Frig off, Ricky! No, Susan.
That's not gonna fucking work, is it? Because it's never just fucking dinner, is it? Never! Ah, fuck! Jesus Christ! All right! Enough! Not you, codfish balls.
I'm talking to her.
[grunting.]
Fuck! Susan, look, I'll make fucking I'll make dinner, and we can talk, but that's fucking it.
No banging.
You've got to promise me that.
We can't.
Susan, I don't even know what the fuck that dish is.
But sure, yeah, I'll make it.
I can make fucking make anything.
I'm a good cook.
Come to my place at 6:00.
I got to go deal with something right now.
- Come at 6:00.
I've got to go.
See you.
- Okay.
Ricky! What? Things have been pretty fucking peaceful around here.
You keep rocking the shit boat and I'll be more than happy to fucking broadside you with a shit torpedo.
Fuck off with the shit talk before I knock you out and shit on your legs.
How about that? - You're a dirty fighter, Ricky.
- Yeah? I fucking learned those moves from you, you fucking dirty, hairy, grease beast.
So get the fuck out of here! - Come on, Mr - Go! [Alvena.]
Ricky, don't worry about it.
Look, they can come in and out of my back door like they always did.
Well, I guess that's your business, not mine, but No, no, you hired me to fix the fucking thing I'm gonna fix the fucking thing.
Just a couple nails in here.
[thud, clatter.]
Fuck! Ah, Satan's hard cock right down my fucking throat! Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, fuck! [clattering.]
This is a fucking piece of shit.
[glass shattering.]
Fuck! [Donnie.]
Jesus fucking Christ! Are you fucking kidding me? [theme music.]
Getting a job is the best thing I've done for myself in a long time.
Now I've got medical, I work alone, plus I get a 25% discount at the food court.
[chuckle.]
You know, it's funny.
When I was a kid, we used to come here all the time and steal from the gumball machines and look at me now.
I've come a long way.
Okay, who's ready to do some shoplifting for me? Great enthusiasm, guys.
Look, just steal what's on the fucking list and you guys can take something for yourself.
This deal fucking sucks moose cock.
Hey, you watch your fucking language.
We're risking going to jail, all we get to keep is something worth, like, fucking 20 bucks.
What risk? Huh? Did you guys forget that I caught you stealing in the first place? I can call your parents or the cops if I want to, huh? Is that what you prefer? No.
Okay.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
You guys can now take an item for 50 bucks for yourselves.
Is that better? You can't even get a video game for 50 bucks.
Can I steal something for 75 bucks if fucking Finn wants something for 25? Jesus Christ, what is this? Let's Make a Fucking Deal or something? Huh? And we wanna steal bigger things, too.
Look, I got adults taking care of the bigger things for me.
- Thank you very much.
- This sucks! Look guys, you continue working hard the way you are, maybe hit the gym, gain some weight, some muscles, then you can work yourself up the ladder.
But until then, get what's on my goddamn fucking list or you're fired, okay? All right! Move it out! [Julian sighing.]
Jesus Christ Oh my fuck, you was something hard with the kids.
You've got to be, man.
They've got to fucking learn.
- You guys all set? - Let's roll, motherfuckers! I don't know, man.
This seems pretty wack.
That's what I'm saying, man.
This seems pretty beneath us, dawg.
What do you mean, beneath you? If it's not beneath me, it's not beneath you guys.
Or, you know, if you guys are afraid? Are you pussying out here? Is that - [laughter.]
- Afraid? We ain't afraid.
No, man.
We ain't afraid, man.
Okay.
No one's afraid.
Let's get this going, boys.
Right on.
- All right, cool.
- Good luck.
I got your backs.
Let's do this, man.
[sighing.]
Fuck.
Okay, we need eggs, Ricky.
Definitely.
No, we we don't need cream.
There's no cream in carbonara.
Mo likes coffee cream in his cereal.
He's addicted to that shit.
Well, we need parmigiano.
This is the other thing me and Susan don't have in fucking common.
She likes all this French, richie-type fucking foods.
- I don't have anything to do with that.
- It's not French, it's Italian.
It's cheese.
The hard cheese.
Parmigiano.
Parmesan? This shit? - Yes.
Put that in.
- All right.
Ricky, this whole thing with Susan Like, I'll help you make this dinner, but I don't want you getting back together with her.
- I'm not.
- I think it's a bad fucking idea.
I still have feelings for her.
I shouldn't because all we do is fucking fight.
But the banging This stuff's so fucking good.
- Ricky - Oh, God.
[muffled.]
I love I love chip dip, man.
I love it.
You want some? - Ricky - It's just so fucking expensive! So you're just yeah You just put her back.
Next person who buys it, two big finger holes in it.
No big deal.
- Oh, yeah! - We need bacon.
Wakey-wakey time.
- [aerosol hissing.]
- Ricky! Ricky! Ohh Have a little shot, Bubs.
Oh, yeah, baby! Put it back! I'm not doing whippets in the fucking grocery store.
Phew! Jesus Murphy.
Okay, we need bacon, Ricky, and eggs.
Where's the eggs? Bacon! Beck Beck-oh-nay.
Yes Ricky! Oh, fuck.
Sorry, man.
You know what? It's a force of habit.
I forgot.
I forget sometimes, right? Okay - [indistinct shouting.]
- [Ricky.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, shh! - [Bubbles whispering.]
What? What? - [gun clicking.]
There's a fucking robbery going on.
I can't let this happen.
This is wrong.
- What? Ricky, just let it happen.
- Fuckin' assholes [Bubbles.]
Ricky, don't get your Ricky! Oh my fuck Put the fucking gun down right now! - Put the fucking - [Julian.]
What the fuck are you doing? - Put the gun away.
- [Ricky.]
They're trying to rob the place! I know it's a rob.
They're working for me, you dumb-ass! - [Ricky whispering.]
What? - [Julian whispering.]
Yeah I was gonna split the money with you.
Get the fuck out of here! [shouting.]
All right! You wanna steal from this store, you've gotta shoot me first.
So do it or get the fuck out of here! - Do it! Now! - This is fuckin' bullshit! Get out of here! Hi, everyone.
I'm Julian, head of security.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Everything's under control now.
You can go back to shopping.
You're safe now.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- [sporadic applause.]
- [Julian.]
Thank you.
Julian? What the fuck just happened? I don't know.
I guess he, uh just didn't want a big shoot-out or something.
Something like that.
You can ask him.
I don't know.
You're a fucking hero, Ricky.
You just stopped a robbery! You stopped a robbery.
That's what I do.
Holy fuck.
I bet you're gonna be in the paper.
[sizzling.]
- Hey, Ricky.
- [Ricky.]
Yo! You've just got to keep this simmering.
The sauce is oh, fucking perfect! Just keep it simmering, don't let it burn.
And then just boil up some noodles when you're ready and you're all set, bud.
[Ricky.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going? - You can't fucking leave yet.
- I gotta go make beer deliveries, Ricky.
Bubbles, I don't how to cook the long fucking noodles! You cook them the same way you cook the short ones! You boil fucking water and throw them in! For fuck's sakes! Ricky oh, my God.
I know what you're doing in there.
What? I'm just I'm brushing my teeth.
- [tapping.]
- Well, you missed a fucking few spots if you're brushing your teeth.
They're all jammed full of chicken chips and I can hear the friction.
I was washing my hands.
Yeah, washing them on your wiener.
- Look - Okay.
You know what? I can't be around Susan with a fucking loaded weapon.
I need to have zero horniness, Bubs.
I don't trust my cock! Don't you fucking leave me here! Ricky, I'm not standing out here cooking a meal for your crazy fucking girlfriend while you're in there waxing your dolphin.
I'm sorry.
You're on your own, bud.
- Are you fucking - [thud, clattering.]
- Don't you fuckin' leave! - [Bubbles.]
Ricky! I'm a little bit worried about Ricky and just the sheer amount of masturbating he's doing.
I mean, that's a lot of crankin' for one fella and I don't know the science behind the replenishment.
I mean, I don't know if he's depleting his bone marrow or You know, where's it all come from, really? I don't know how people do this job for a living, I mean, you're dealing with kids in the food court getting in fights, you're dealing with bums drinking Lysol in the bathrooms, you got people fighting over clearance items.
It's fucked.
But I've got these little deals on the side - that are kinda making up for - [cracking.]
- [Mr.
Lahey.]
You take American? - What the fuck? [clinking.]
[Mr.
Lahey.]
Pay the man, Randers.
Where'd you get that money? Julian! Uh, we, uh we won it last night.
Long shot at the track.
Well, that counts as income, so it's mine.
Frig off, Julian! You said half our wages.
I'm taking half this as wages.
I'm taking the other half for not telling me about it.
Look, you pull this shit on me again, I'm gonna fucking take you down.
You got it? - [clattering.]
- You got it? Uh, we'll come back for this stuff later.
Holy fuck.
Can I help you guys? What's all that stuff? Uh we're the delivery boys.
Delivery boys? [Trinity.]
Hey, Bubs! Hey, guys, what's going on? Hey Jacob, how was physio? Pretty good.
Can't complain.
He can do all his exercises now.
I'm so proud.
He's still in a lot of pain but the doctors say he's on the mend.
And we've just gotta keep him away from that fucking Ricky.
- Yeah, well you look good, Jacob.
- Thanks, Bubs.
- Keep your chin up, bud.
- [awkward laugh.]
Well, I guess you don't have a choice, do you? [chuckles.]
Yeah, careful there.
Careful.
- Come on, dude.
- [Bubbles.]
Take it easy.
- [thud.]
- Ow! Fuck! Ah, shit! I'm so sorry, dude.
I keep forgetting you got that thing on.
Cory, how in the flying fuck can you forget he has it on? He looks like he has a fucking oil derrick screwed into his shoulders.
What's an oil derrick, dude? [sigh.]
- [Ricky.]
Hey! - How good's this couch gonna feel? - No, no, no, no, don't sit down.
- [moaning.]
[Trinity.]
Dad, let him go! Dad, let him go! You're hurting him.
- [groaning.]
- [Trinity.]
My God Hang out in the bedroom or in the car for an hour.
Susan's coming over.
Are you kidding me? He needs to rest, Dad.
He can rest out in the car.
It's really comfy.
That cool, bud? - [groan.]
- Sorry.
I keep forgetting about that Oh, man.
- You're unbelievable.
- She just wants to talk in private.
We're not getting back together.
I promise.
[Trinity.]
Yeah, heard that one before.
We're really thankful that Dad lets us stay here, but it's a bit of a pain when Susan comes over.
All they do is fight and then have sex.
- And it's - She's loud.
She's really, really loud.
Sometimes it lasts all night long.
Right until the next morning.
- Your dad's a champ, babe.
- Eww! - Geez, careful.
[groan.]
Fuck, why does nobody not believe me? Because every time she wants your dick, you give it to her.
[Ricky.]
I'm not giving it to her today, 'cause I'm not fucking horny.
- Ricky, you're always horny.
- That is true, but I de-hornied myself four or five times, so we're good here.
Gross.
I don't know what you see in that uppity Bedford bitch.
I know what you see in her, dude.
She's pretty hot, man.
I'd give her whatever she wants.
Well, I wouldn't give her whatever she wants, some things are off limits but [indistinct.]
Can I hang out a bit? Cory, get the fuck out.
Go to the park and chase some fucking tennis balls or something.
Fucking Jesus.
[grinder scratching.]
Donnie! I got your free case here, bud! It's right there.
I'm sorry I'm a little bit late, but - [door opening.]
- Better late than never I guess [screaming.]
Fuck you! It's not better late than never, you stupid cocksucker! - Okay, Donnie - I should be fucking wasted by now! Donnie, take a deep breath.
I'll give you half price on a case for the inconven Ah, fuck off! Okay.
Just fucking relax, would you? Jesus! Where the fuck did you get that? That's my hammer.
I loaned that to Ricky.
Oh, Ricky was using that fucking thing, was he? Ho-ly fuck! That cocksucker! Donnie, tuck your balls in if you're going to be walking around the park.
[Donnie screaming.]
Smash my fucking window Jesus, he's angry.
[Donnie.]
fuckin' fuck! [Susan.]
Wow, this looks amazing.
Thank you.
I made everything from scratch.
Hmm.
[soft music plays.]
Oh, my fucking God.
Is something fucked up? - This is fucking amazing.
- Oh, good.
It's actually making me a little bit wet.
Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
- How wet is it making you? - I'm goddamn soaking.
- Ah! You know what? I can't do this.
I knew this was gonna fucking happen.
We can't go there.
You have to go.
I'll pack this up for you.
- The fuck are you doing?! - I can't do this! You're making the little guy wanna come out and play.
He's already been out to fucking play seven, eight times.
Don't know why he wants to come out, but he does, 'cause of you.
I can't go there.
You gotta go.
- Take it with you! - No.
Listen.
No, I don't wanna go! Ricky, listen to me, baby.
- I came here today to apologize to you.
- Yeah? For what? I know it wasn't you who gave me chlamydia.
It was my fucking common-law fuck-face ex.
I fucking knew it.
I told you it wasn't me! Yeah, but I'm done with that guy for good now.
Good.
Good for you.
That's amazing.
So I was hoping that maybe you would wanna go back to our previous arrangements.
Um, well I mean, I guess I guess we could do that, but if we're gonna go there, Susan, like, I need more than just banging, okay? Like, I need I need to do some real coupley-type stuff.
What, like, in public? Yeah! Like, I think I would like to maybe go to the movies some time or maybe go to a beach or get ice cream, go to a restaurant, like See, look at you.
Every fucking time! Why do I feel like the chick in this relationship? I actually need those things! Well, Ricky, this was never about us getting serious because I live with someone else.
You got fucking shot the other day.
And while I find that hot as fuck, I can't be associated with someone with such a crazy lifestyle.
I have I have a real job, Rick! I have real responsibilities.
I've got a real job too now.
And I have real responsibilities.
So, you know, maybe we have some shit in common you didn't know.
Maybe it'll work! Ah, fuck it! Who cares? Whatever.
[pounding table.]
No, okay.
Hang on.
If you fucking promise me to keep it low-key we can try actually dating.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
I can definitely promise that.
I promise, like no more craziness.
[softly.]
Okay.
[Marguerite.]
Ricky? Ricky? Are you in there? I'm coming in for a shit, Ricky.
[Ricky.]
Seriously, right now? I'm kind of in the middle of something here, Marguerite.
Oh! Well, pardon the interruption, folks, but somebody has to take a shit and a shower in somebody else's house because somebody else didn't fix my goddamn bathroom! And it is a pain in the cock-sucking, fucking dick! I'm working on it.
See, this is exactly what I'm talking about! I'm just fixing her bathroom.
It's nice to be good to the seniors, right? - Yeah.
- Susan, look.
I promise you Get the fuck out of my trailer right now! Get the fuck out! You too, go! Everything's gonna be fucking normal [Donnie.]
Jesus fuckin' Christ! For fuck's sakes, you cocksucker, is this your fucking hammer? - Fuck you, Ricky! - [glass clattering.]
[overlapping screaming.]
I'll fuckin' kill you! You fuckin' cocksucker! I will fucking kill you, Ricky! - Get the fuck out of my trailer! - [knife piercing.]
- Fucker! Fuck you! - Goddamn it! And I'm taking these motherfucking chicken fingers - Are you out of your fucking mind?! - [Susan sobbing.]
[Donnie.]
Fu-u-uck! This is exactly what I'm fucking talking about! - What the fuck happened? - Oh, my fuck! - Ricky! - [Sarah.]
Oh, shit! Ricky, are you okay? - Ricky, what the fuck happened? - Donnie fucking stabbed me! - Oh, my fuck.
Here, I'm gonna pull it out.
- Don't touch my fuckin' boyfriend, whore! He's got a fucking screwdriver in his shoulder, you bitch! Un-huh? Well, he's my boyfriend.
Well, I'll take care of it.
Don't you mean fuck buddy? Uh, no, actually.
Ricky and I decided to take things to the next level.
So, uh, you're gonna be moving the fuck out 'cause I'm moving in.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? Well, am I your girlfriend or not? Uh technically, yes, you are.
- [sighing.]
Ricky, for fuck's sakes! - Really? You are a fucking psychotic bitch.
Good luck, Ricky.
I don't know what you're waiting for.
Giddy-up, you wretched cunt.
[Bubbles.]
Oh What the fuck did you just call me? I called you a cunt cunt.
[Bubbles whispering.]
Language! You know what? We don't say that word in this park.
- [thud.]
- Holy fuck, Sarah! You know what? I've fucking had it with her! No! Sarah, calm down! Let's fucking go, you fucking bitch! [overlapping screaming.]
- Fuck you.
- Oh, fuck you! [Bubbles.]
Ricky! Ricky, oh my fuck! [thuds, mixed screaming.]
[Ricky.]
Holy fuck! Jesus Christ! - [Bubbles.]
Ricky! - I'll fucking kill her! Get out of the fucking way, Rick! - Fuck off ah! - [Bubbles grunts, panicked.]
- Okay girls! - [mixed shouting.]
- [loud thud.]
- [Bubbles.]
Oh-h-h! Devastating! [Ricky.]
Bubbles, get her the fuck out of here! That's how we do it in Sunnyvale, you fucking cunt! - Go! - Okay, Sarah, calm down! Oh, my fuck! - [panting.]
- You okay? [softly.]
Yeah.
Guess maybe I should go to the fucking hospital.
Oh, no.
Are you fucking kidding me? Get in the bedroom.
This is so fucking hot.
- What are you talking about? - You're stabbed.
- I just got in a girl fight.
Come on! - It's gonna have to be from behind.
- I can't fucking lay down like this.
- [Susan.]
Yeah, yeah, that's perfect.
[Ricky.]
Jesus Christ.
- [Ricky loudly.]
Ah, fuck! - [toilet flushing.]
[Susan.]
Get out of those tearaways.
- [Ricky.]
Hold the fuck on here! - [Susan.]
Oh, baby.
That's a lot of blood! [Ricky.]
Ow, fuck! Well not the most relaxing place to have a crap.
[Susan.]
Yeah! No, lower! [Randy.]
I really think we need to reconsider my suggestion from before and hire an assistant-assistant trailer park supervisor.
That way he could handle all this bullshit, Mr.
Lahey.
We we can't we can't afford it, Randy! Julian's probably gonna be in control of us for the rest of our fucking lives.
Randy You're still young, Rand.
Why don't you just take the rest of our money and toddle off to San Cra-fisto? - Or some place like that.
- [ice scrunching.]
I'm not leaving you, Mr.
Lahey.
Look, there's gotta be some way.
I tell you, I'd really like to hire an assistant for you, Randy.
Just the kind you want.
I really, really, really, really would, Randy.
But we can't afford it unless we take some of the money and put it back into the money that we lost! You're talking about gambling again, Mr.
Lahey.
No No, just hear Rand, just hear me out.
There's no way I'm letting you gamble any more of this money on anything, Mr.
Lahey.
That's exactly what I'm saying, Randy.
You should! You were incredible at the track the other day, Randy.
I have never seen anyone be able to pick horses the way you do.
You can be 100% in charge, Randy.
You can do all the picking.
I got complete faith in you, bud.
- I was pretty lucky.
- Yeah.
You've got a gift, Randy.
And besides the more time we spend at the track, the less time we have to spend here in the park near Julian.
Yeah.
That's true.
You're damn rights, it's true.
Let's do it.
- But I'm in control.
- Okay.
I'm putting us on an allowance.
100 bucks each per day.
Does that include liquor? Yeah.
Okay.
I'll drink to that! - Stretch it out, Mr.
Lahey.
- Here.
You just did a little [muttering.]
- Randy, you just went like this.
Randy? - That's powerful.
I know, but you went like this, you went like this.
- "Ooh.
" Do that again.
- You do that Do that again, do that again.
Ooh - I love you, Randy.
- Mr.
Lahey! We're going to the track! Let's go to the track! We're going to the track and we're never coming back - [knocking on door.]
- Come in.
- [Sarah.]
Hey.
- Hey, what's wrong? I fucking hate that stupid bitch Susan so fucking much.
Ricky's so stupid.
He's never gonna break up with her.
I know.
I know.
I heard he was seeing her tonight.
- Yeah.
- I just stay the fuck away.
That's what I do.
She still over there? Ha! What do you think? [Ricky and Susan moaning and screaming.]
- That's fucking greasy.
- Ugh! Yeah.
And because of that, I don't have a place to stay tonight.
Wow, that sucks.
I was getting ready to go to bed.
I got to work in the morning.
Julian Can I just stay over, please, for tonight? Sarah, I'd let you, but I'm a working man, now.
I've gotta get up early.
What's all this shit? - I'm decorating the place.
- You've got a bunch of cool new stuff.
Yeah, it's cool but it's overwhelming.
I don't know where to put it all.
Okay.
How about this? You let me stay over just for one night and I'll help you redecorate your whole place.
- One night? - Yeah.
I can make it look fucking amazing.
All right.
Do you want a drink? Yeah, you're fucking right I want a drink! Okay, let's get drunk.
This shit is sweet.
All right, you guys gotta go.
[theme music.]
[seagulls squawking.]
[fish.]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! [whispering.]
Fuck.
- [light clicks off.]
- [voice whispering.]
Fuck off.
Hope you enjoyed the episode