Trailer Park Boys s12e10 Episode Script
Fuckin' Fucked Out Of Our Fuckin Minds
Where the fuck is he, man? People are driving me nuts! Chill the fuck out.
I'm trying to talk to the camera here.
Fucking talk, then.
Well, today's a big day.
We're making this announcement that's gonna fucking change the lives of everybody here in Sunnyvale.
You know, Sunnyvale's our home.
We care about each and every one of these people.
How much longer do we have to wait, for fuck's sake? Murray, shut the fuck up or go the fuck home! All right? We're doing this for you, for fuck's sake! - Fuck you! - Fuck me? - [arguing.]
- [horn honking.]
[honking.]
Fuck Holy shit, Bubs! What the fuck is this? [Bubbles.]
Check that out.
[giggle.]
[Ricky.]
Fucking silver space ship.
- [Bubbles.]
Fucking right.
- Look at that, man.
[Bubbles giggling.]
It looks like a spaceship.
- Check it out.
- Fuck.
Check it out, boys.
[whispering.]
Julian, you didn't make the announcement without me, did you? We wouldn't do that without you, man.
Here, you do the honours.
What's the big fucking announcement? Bobby, I swear to fuck, you say one more fucking word.
- Ricky! - Say one more fucking word! Ricky, it's all right.
It's all right.
Hey, everybody! Sorry for the wait.
Look.
I know you all know I started this little beer company a few months back because you guys all kept me in business.
So I wanna thank you for that.
- [laugh.]
- [mixed cheers.]
Well, Ricky and Julian are my new partners and we are very happy to announce that as of today, Freedom 35's gonna be available right across Canada! [cheering.]
Yeah, and and you guys are all gonna be a part of the new company.
[cheering.]
Yes, sir.
That's our way of, you know, giving something back to the park that's given so much to us over the years.
We care about everybody here.
So anybody that needs a job, you just fucking got one.
- [cheering.]
- And that goes for Lahey and Randy, too.
[laughter.]
You know, it's been like fucking Armageddon around here ever since I got out of jail but I think we really turned a corner and I'm looking forward to a a bright and wonderful post-apocalypstic future.
Okay, everybody, thanks for coming out.
I hope the surprise was worth the wait.
- Cheers.
- That wasn't the whole surprise.
Actually, Julian, the old Bubbler has a couple of tricks up his sleeve.
No way.
Not actually, Ricky.
Not my real sleeve.
Everybody, today we are having the fucking double stag party to end all double stag parties! - No fucking way! - [cheering.]
We've got more fucking beer than you can shake a stick at.
We've got food, we've got weed.
All the fellas are invited.
[cheering.]
Today's for getting fucked up, everybody.
- What are we gonna get? - [all.]
Fucked up! I can't hear you! What are we gonna get? Fucked up! [theme music.]
When people get married, they do have a stag.
That is normal, right? - I know, I know, but sometimes girls - Hey boys, get the fuck in here.
It's time for surprise number one.
Get ready to be freaked out.
[laughing.]
What do you got going on here, Bubs? What is this, fucking Dexter's kill room or something? [Bubbles.]
No, no.
Just come in.
Come in.
[Ricky.]
What the fuck's happening, man? Well, my two best friends are all grown up, and getting married and everything, and it just got me thinking about, you know, when we were kids and how much shit we used to get into.
So, boys, I went around the park and I was asking people if they had any old footage of us.
Mrs.
Peterson had this in her shed.
- [Julian.]
Oh, no.
- Yes.
Are you ready for this? - [Ricky.]
Yes.
- [Bubbles giggling.]
Watch this.
[whirring.]
[Ricky laughing.]
I remember that hash! [Bubbles.]
Hot knives! - [Ricky.]
Right on! - [laughter.]
That is awesome.
[Bubbles.]
Ha-hah! Doin' blades! Oh yeah, check this, boys.
[Julian.]
Holy shit, isn't that Lahey's old place? [Ricky.]
No way, is this the day? No! [Bubbles.]
This is it, Ricky.
This is it, this is the day.
[laughter.]
Can't believe it.
[laughter.]
[Bubbles.]
Right in the bird! Remember? You got him, Ricky.
Remember? Went right in his pee hole.
Sorry, bud.
[Ricky.]
Fuck's happening here? [Bubbles.]
You guys remember this day? - Oh! - Uh-oh! [Bubbles.]
Remember how drunk he was? - Six hours.
- [laughter.]
[Bubbles.]
Look at Barb! Look at Barb! [giggle.]
That was one of the best one of the best space sessions we ever had.
[exclamations from the crowd.]
[Julian.]
We were young.
- Had to start sometime.
- Oh, you used to be so cute! [Bubbles.]
I think that's the first time I ever drank liquor.
Uh-oh.
- What were you, 12? - We were young, we were young.
[Bubbles.]
I think that car's still at the bottom of the lake.
[laughter.]
- [applause.]
- Yeah! Bubs, get over here, man.
That was awesome.
- Give me a hug.
- Yes.
That was the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life, man! Bring it in, Bubs.
That was badass, buddy! Thanks.
- Right on.
- Congratulations, boys.
Okay, you guys ready to go get fucked up or what? - [various.]
Yes! [Bubbles and Julian.]
Let's do it! [Ricky.]
Gotta stop by my trailer for a minute.
[Julian.]
All right, let's go.
[bottles clinking.]
Hey T, can you get all the boys down to the gravel pit? I'll meet you there.
- I got you, B.
- All right.
So I don't want you worrying about me today, okay? I promise I won't get too fucked up.
What? No, I want you to get fucked up.
It's your stag party, babe.
- You for real? - Yes! I mean, don't get, you know, bang-a-stripper messed up, but have fun.
Baby, I don't want to be banging any strippers, believe me.
- Exactly.
- Strippers? Baby, I don't want you around any strippers.
What the fuck you talking about? Of course there's going to be strippers.
It's a stag party.
STAG: Strippers That Are Greasy.
There's going to be strippers.
Right, Bubs? What? I don't know that for sure.
It's not a big deal.
We're just gonna look at them.
It's not like we're gonna fucking tee off on them - or finger blast them or anything.
- What does that even mean? Get some shit going.
Not gonna do it.
We're just gonna look at them.
I don't care if you look at male strippers.
- Good.
Maybe we will.
- Perfect! Yeah.
If you lay a finger on them, I swear to God Don't do it, Ricky.
I hear you.
Don't grab any fucking cocks.
Okay.
Well, if you touch any strippers, you come home, I'm gonna have a cock in each pocket.
Why would you even say that? I didn't say, "Hey", gonna get a bag full of tits and come home If you come home with a fucking bag full of tits - I'm not going to, Susan! - The stupidest thing.
- Fuck! Love you.
- Love you too, baby.
- Have fun.
- You too.
Prepare for some drunken banging when I get back, all right? - Okay, baby.
- All right.
I love you, babe.
Have fun.
[Julian.]
All right, boys.
Let's do it! Holy fuck, this thing is badass, man! Is this real wood? [Bubbles.]
Oh, you're fucking right, it's real wood, Ricky.
It's all mahogany, I think.
A smoke eater, too.
That's awesome, for smoking the dope.
A fucking flat screen TV! Are you kidding me, buddy? Ricky, it's got a satellite dish too.
- I got all the fucking channels.
- Fuck off! There's a Rambo marathon on tonight, boys.
Maybe we could watch that when we're all fucked up later.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, we could, or maybe we'll do some other shit.
We'll see what happens.
I just can't believe you own this fucking thing.
Well, I technically do, Ricky, and I'll probably end up living in it.
But, I mean, I feel like we all own it, you know? Yeah, but we don't.
You own it, right? You just said that.
Well, we could all have one very soon, Ricky.
I mean, you know, the beer guy said if everything goes the way it should, we're going to make 90 grand this year possibly.
- What? - Think about that.
- You shut the fuck up! - That's 30 grand each.
- What? - [Julian.]
Holy fuck! - [laugh.]
- Set for life! Bubs, where you going? You just passed the fucking road to the pit.
No, we got one more stop to make first, Julian.
[giggle.]
So I said, you can't had herpes.
[laughter.]
Sarah, I'm so sorry for how I acted.
I mean, I'm sure it must be difficult for you to accept that Ricky and I are getting married but I feel like we're all adults.
Okay, wait.
You think that I'm upset that you're marrying Ricky? [laughing.]
I couldn't be happier.
I can't believe anybody would marry him.
What the fuck do you mean by that? Well, like I've slept with him a couple times over the years.
Like, you know, he's really good in bed, okay? But I wouldn't marry him in a million years.
Well, he may be good in bed but he is one shitty handyman.
Ugh.
[Sarah.]
Yeah, he's a total fuck-up.
No offence, Trin.
None taken.
Mm.
He is great in bed.
I don't think anybody's disputing that.
Oh my God, guys! It's my dad.
Has anyone not slept with him? - Seriously, anybody? - I haven't.
Hello? - Well, I'm not saying anything.
- [laughing.]
Yes, sir.
I can be there in, uh, 15 minutes.
- Sorry, ladies.
Duty calls.
- [several.]
Awww! Yeah, there's a really big case I've been working on for the past several months.
An international drug case.
- Ooh, that sounds exciting.
- One step closer to being a judge.
[mixed laughs, cheers.]
- Cheers to dicks.
- [laughter.]
Have fun.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Bye! - We won't.
- [door banging.]
- [Bubbles.]
Ricky Grab a seat, boys.
What the fuck are we doing here? Isn't there food at the pit? Yeah, there's food at the pit.
I just wanted to come here and I thought it was the perfect place to make a toast.
All right.
[giggling.]
You guys don't even realize where we are, do you? - We're at the fucking school.
- Yeah, why are we here? We should be at the fucking pit getting fucked.
Boys, this is where we were sitting the first time you ever mentioned the words "Freedom 35", Julian.
Holy fuck, the memory on you.
Yeah, that's the day you picked us up at jail.
- Yes, sir.
- Wow, man.
Oh, my fuck! And then we went to steal car stereos.
- Yes, we did.
- Are we gonna steal car stereos? No, Ricky, no.
I just wanted to come here and just, you know, make a toast, - because I love you guys.
- We love you too, man.
You're fucking right we do.
- Wow.
- To friends, family, and to my best friends getting married.
And to never giving up.
And to ever never going back to jail.
We did it, boys.
To Freedom 35.
To Freedom 35.
- Let's just take it in.
- [Julian.]
Ahh.
Okay.
Well, now we got that out of the way.
Let's go to the pit and get fuckin' fucked out of our fuckin' minds! Let's do it! Let's go.
Come on, boys.
- [Julian.]
Let's go, Bubs.
- [Ricky.]
Come on, buddy.
Whoo! I thought we could sit here for a minute and enjoy the sentimentality of it.
Fuck! Look at all this shit, man.
- This is fucking amazing! - [Bubbles laughing.]
Boys, I want you guys to have the best day you've ever had in your entire fucking lives.
Look at all the people.
And what the fuck's with these cars, Bubs? They're not for what I think they are, are they? [Bubbles.]
Oh, you're fucking right they are, Ricky.
- [Ricky.]
Oh, yeah! - We're having a smash-up derby and once they're fucking sufficiently immobilized, guess what? - What? - [Bubbles giggling.]
We're going to shoot them with machine guns and then blow them up with fucking dynamite! - [Ricky.]
No, we're fucking not! - [Julian.]
What? I got everything from Reggie, baby.
[Ricky.]
Bubbles! You are fucking awesome! - Everything from Reggie.
- [laughter.]
Man, this is gonna be fucking incredible! Let's fucking get some drinking going, boys! - [giggle.]
- [cheering.]
[Bubbles.]
Everybody, let's get this party started! - [mixed cheers.]
- Just wait Pam.
What the fuck are you doing? Grill You can't cook a burger to save your fucking life! Randy, get on the cheeseburger detail, bud.
- Okay, Bubbles.
- Mr.
Lahey, get the liquor flowing, will you? Come on.
Cory, Jacob, there's about a hundred cases of beer on there.
You guys hump 'em off there, please.
Cool, man.
I got one already.
Well, just go get the fucking cases.
You take off the hundred and you can have a six pack between yous.
Dope.
Hey, everybody, without further ado, I'd like to hand over the floor to the master of grease ceremonies - [cheering.]
- Do it, T! Yes, man.
Y'all make some noise for my mans, Ricky and Julian, y'all! - Right on, T! - [cheering.]
- All right.
- Look at the size of that - this little bitch into my lungs.
- [giggle.]
- How's it going? - [Bubbles.]
Here we go.
I'm not allowed to touch you today but I'm allowed to look at you.
- I am! I am! - [Julian.]
Right on! I'm pretty fucking impressed with what Bubble's pulled together for this stag party.
It's fucking incredible.
We've got ladies, fucking food with the burgers, cars to fucking smash up and then blow up and shoot, guns, kablammo powder This could be the best stag party in the history of the fucking world.
The only thing that might make it better would be a fucking magic unicorn shitting golden nickels on us from a rainbow.
Maybe.
[Bubbles.]
Boys, drive some more burgers into you.
There's tons of food.
Get some more food.
Keep cooking, Randy.
Boys, are you ready to get the fucking smash-up derby going or what? - You're goddamn right! - Let's fucking do it, man! I mean, I don't want to break up the par-tay here.
It's okay, we'll be back.
We'll be back, ladies.
Okay.
Boys, you ready to get the smash-up derby going? - Yeah! - Do we get a car, Bubbles? You're goddamn right you get a car.
Lahey, you're fucking driving.
All right! [Bubbles.]
Okay.
Everybody get your fucking helmets on.
Safety first! [Lahey.]
Gentlemen, start your engines! - Helmets on, Ricky.
- I'm not wearing a fucking helmet.
- Yes, you are wearing a fucking - It'll fuck up my hair.
Ricky, would you rather have fucked-up hair or a fucked-up brain? Okay, boys, climb in.
Let's get this fucking thing going! Yo, dude, our doors are locked.
[Bubbles.]
It's fucking chained shut, Cory.
You've got to go in through the window.
[engines starting.]
[whooping, cheering.]
[rock music.]
[Bubbles grunting with excitement.]
Ahh! Look out, Mr.
Lahey! [Julian.]
Holy fuck this is awesome! I'm coming to get you, Lahey! [Jacob.]
Aw, dude, man, Cory, look out! [Ricky.]
Yeah! Fuck you, Lahey and Randy! Whoo! All right, who the fuck else wants a piece of me? [Julian.]
Eat my ass, Lahey! [motor revving.]
- [Ricky.]
All right, come on, Bubbles! - [Bubbles.]
No, Ricky! Not head-on! [Ricky.]
Fuck off, man.
You can't get hurt! [Bubbles.]
Yes, you can! [cheering.]
[Ricky.]
Oh, you think so, do you, you little fuckers? - Boom! - [Bubbles.]
Fuck's sake, Rick! [cheering.]
[Julian.]
Fuck, Ricky, watch the [Bubbles.]
Fatal mistake, Cory and Jacob.
Here comes the Bubbinator! [screaming, grunting.]
- [engine sputtering.]
- [Cory.]
Aw, dude.
What's going on? Start the car, dude! [Ricky.]
Bubs, Julian, they can't start their car.
Malachi fuckin' Crunch! [Cory.]
Hey dude, what's a Malachi Crunch, dude? [Ricky.]
Get the fuck out of my way! - [Julian.]
Just back the fuck up! - [engine sputtering.]
[Bubbles.]
Boys, not the Malachi Crunch! All right! Hit it! Do it! [Bubbles.]
Boys! - [Ricky.]
Boom! - [crowd.]
Ohh-h-h! [laughter.]
[Ricky.]
Whoo! Right on, Julian.
That was fucking perfect.
[Jacob moaning.]
Shit, dude.
I can't believe Oh, man what's wrong, dude? You okay? I think so.
I think I might have broke this thing again, though.
- Broke what thing? Your neck? - I think so.
Jacob, stop being a pussy.
You can't break your neck twice - in the same place.
It's impossible.
- No, it's not, Ricky.
- You can totally do that.
- Well, can you walk? I think so.
[panting.]
All right.
Cory, drag him the fuck out of there.
Go lay down in the RV and relax.
You're not ruining a perfect fucking day with a goddamn broken neck, Jacob.
Well, just be careful with him.
These cars are about as fucked up as they're going to get from driving them.
What do you say we shoot these cocksuckers - and then blow them up? - Fuck, yeah! [cheering.]
All right, I'll get my homemade kablammo powder! - [cellphone ringing.]
- Right on, Bubs.
Best day ever, buddy! Hi, baby.
What? Slow down.
What why is it off? Japanese mafia? What are you? No, listen to me.
Listen to me.
No, no, babe, babe, let me Stop yelling.
Ba Candy? [click.]
[sigh.]
For fuck's sakes! Fuck! [Ricky.]
What the fuck's going on, man? Are you all right? No, I'm not all right! Candy just broke up with me.
What? What the fuck did she say? I don't know, man.
She was screaming at me, calling me a liar and something about the fucking Japanese mafia.
Told me to get a lawyer, shit's coming down.
I don't fucking know, man.
It sucks but - So, you're not getting married? - Apparently not, Ricky.
[laughing.]
That's fucking amazing! - Fuck you! - No, seriously.
If you're not getting married, I'm definitely not getting married! It's fucking perfect.
- I gotta go fucking deal with this.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, I'm dealing with this - This is an awesome day - Get the fuck out of my way! - It just got awesomer.
Think about it.
We're fucking single now.
- I don't want to be single! - Okay, well, trust me on this one.
When they're fucking worked up, yelling and screaming at you, you've got to let them calm down.
It's happened to me, and that's the best fucking thing.
- Let them calm down.
- Yeah? Yeah.
All right.
Okay, let's go blow some shit up.
- Yes, let's go blow some shit up! - Deal with this later.
[Ricky.]
Whoo! [Jacob panting.]
Thank you.
[Randy.]
Holy frig, your neck is crooked, Jacob.
[panting.]
Thank you.
[Ricky.]
Holy fuck, these are amazing, Bubs! - Where did you get these fucking things? - Fucking Reggie just got 'em in.
Ricky.
[laugh.]
All right, boys.
Listen, that's fucking full of kablammo powder.
The first one to hit the sweet spot, that baby's going up.
- Right on.
I'm hitting it.
- You guys ready? - Yeah! - Do it.
All right.
One, two, three, fire! [gunfire.]
[crowd cheering.]
[Bubbles.]
Yeah! Holy fuck! That was fucking incredible, man! Let's do another one.
You want me to wire up another one, Ricky? Yeah! - Let's do it! - Wait, wait, wait what's that? What? - [sirens in the distance.]
- Is that sirens? Yeah.
They sound like they're far away, though.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
In the RV.
- [Ricky.]
Come on, buddy.
- [Lahey.]
Hey, Julian.
Jacob's really not feeling very well, boys.
He's going Get the fuck in! Get the fuck in! - Everybody in.
- What are we doing? - [Ricky.]
We're not taking them.
- [Julian.]
Get in! - [Ricky.]
Fuck! - [Julian.]
Let's go! - [Bubbles.]
Let's blow up another one! - [Julian.]
Get the fuck in here, Bubbles! Julian, what the fuck is going on here? I don't know.
Just give me a second to think.
Well, why are we fucking leaving? Like, we didn't really do anything wrong.
And is this cop What's this? Is this here for us? Holy fuck.
- Julian? - What? Bubs, just give me a fucking second here! Am I fucking driving or are we pulling over? - What is happening? - Keep fucking driving.
- Where the fuck am I going? - Ricky, just pull over.
No.
Keep driving until I fucking sort this out.
[Bubbles.]
What do you mean sort it out? Sort what out? All right.
Candy called me earlier.
She said it was fucking something about me being involved with the Japanese mafia or something.
I think it has something to do with the mushroom deal.
Oh, do you fucking think, Einstein? - And there's fucking more cops coming? - [sirens blaring.]
You didn't think to mention this? Look at them, they're fucking coming in hot.
- Fuck! - Pull this the fuck over right now, Ricky! I'm not fucking pulling over now.
It's three fucking cop cars, Bubs.
You know what? We can outrun them.
We got the perfect buzz on for this.
Ricky, we cannot outrun fucking three cops - in this old fucking piece of shit! - Yes, we can.
We just need to make it to Moncton, cross the fucking border and we'll hide out in Moncton.
They can't fucking touch us there.
Oh, we're making a run for the county line, are we, Ricky? This isn't fucking Porky's! Pull the fucking thing over.
- Bubs, I can fucking outrun them.
- [Julian.]
Just punch it.
- [engine roaring.]
- Ricky! So I said to him, "I don't think that's gonna fit in there.
" - [breaking news music on TV.]
- [laughter.]
[Sarah.]
Holy fucking shit! Trinity! [Steve Rogers.]
Police are now in pursuit of four suspects believed to be involved in the drug bust in Halifax Pier yesterday involving psilocybin mushrooms en route to Japan.
Hey, I think we lost them, boys.
Good driving, Rickles.
Well, hopefully they just fucking pulled back for safety reasons.
Watch the bumps, eh, boys.
I'm really hurting down here.
- [Cory.]
Here dude.
- [Ricky.]
Are you okay, Jacob? - The fuck is that? - [helicopter whirring.]
[Bubbles.]
Jesus fuck! There's a Channel 10 news chopper! How? I thought we fucking shot it down with your rocket.
- You did? - Oh, my fuck, no, - they must have got a new one.
- [Ricky.]
What? - It is nice! - [Julian.]
Ricky! Rick-Rick-Rick - [clattering.]
- [mixed shouting.]
[Bubbles.]
Holy fuck, Ricky! [Jacob moaning.]
[Bubbles.]
Ricky! [Julian.]
That way, that way, that way! Dead end up here.
Dead end! Take a Do a U-ey! - Where am I going? Where? - [Julian.]
Just do a fucking U-ey! [Bubbles.]
Ricky, what in the fuck are you doing? [various.]
Right! Right! Right! Ricky! - [crashing.]
- [Jacob groaning, moaning.]
[Julian.]
Over this way! Over this way! Back on the path! Ricky! [Bubbles.]
Ricky, you hit every fucking thing in the park! What the fuck did they do? Put all this shit right in the fucking middle? - Oh fuck! Cop, cop! - [Bubbles whimpering.]
- Oh, we're fucked, boys! - [officer.]
Stop the vehicle! Stop! - [Julian.]
Just pull over.
- [Ricky.]
How you doing? [officer.]
Pull that fucking thing over! [Steve Rogers.]
A dramatic chase unfolding that Steve Rogers will continue to report on despite a crippling fear of being back in the news chopper after that horrendous crash several weeks back.
- Fuck! - Those fucking idiots.
- What a bunch of A-holes.
- Ugh.
[Steve Rogers.]
New information just coming in.
The RV apparently belongs to Bubbles of the Sunnyvale [Bubbles.]
Oh my fuck, they named me! In crime, Ricky and Julian, are said to be on board as well.
Police now saying that the drugs, had they hit the streets of Japan, would have been worth well over a million dollars.
What? A million dollars? I knew that fucking guy was fucking ripping us off! [Julian.]
Turn this shit off.
[Bubbles.]
Ricky, just pull over, please.
Let's just face the fucking music.
It's a little more complicated than that, Bubs.
Look, we're almost at the highway.
It's pretty much a straight shot to Moncton from there.
Why are you still trying to get to fucking Moncton? [on radio.]
Dispatch, get this chopper out of here.
- [Ricky.]
They still back there? - [horns honking.]
Oh, yeah, we've got fucking people cheering us on like fucking O.
J.
now? Thank fuck the traffic's not dreadlocked.
We'd be really fucked.
We're almost at the fucking highway, boys.
We're gonna make it! [Bubbles.]
We're gonna make it, are we, Ricky? Fuck.
It's one of those circley things.
What the fuck do you do with these? Go, stay to the right, go around it, Ricky! - The circle or? - Go around the circle.
- [Jacob.]
Don't go too fast.
- [Cory.]
Dude man, if you go backwards you could lose the chopper, 'cause choppers don't go backwards.
[helicopter whirring.]
[man on radio.]
Dispatch in pursuit of a silver RV on Chipper Drive.
- It's your fucking fault, Julian! - Why is it my fault? - Why do I listen to you? - We all agreed to do this.
Stop fucking trying to get around me! - Fuck off! - [Lahey.]
Shit! [Bubbles.]
Ricky! Ricky! Get back in the fucking vehicle, Ricky! [Julian.]
over this way.
He's gonna pass.
Over this way.
- [siren buzzing.]
- [Bubbles.]
Jesus Murphy.
[Julian.]
Roadblock.
What the fuck are we gonna do here? - Fuck's sakes - Correction.
Half block.
[laughs.]
You fucking idiot! - [Bubbles.]
Ricky! - [tires hissing.]
[shouting.]
Fuck's sakes! This fucking piece of shit must have shitty tires! Every one of 'em just fucking blew at once! Just pull over, Ricky.
We're on fucking rims.
We can make it still! Ricky, you name one person on "Cops" you ever saw make it on fucking rims.
I don't know their fucking names but I've seen't them fucking do it! Fuck! - [Bubbles.]
Fuck.
- [Julian.]
Shit! [man on speaker.]
This is the Sunnyvale Police Department.
We have you surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
All right, everybody calm the fuck down for a second here! Just give us a second.
I think I can get us out of this, boys.
- Just fucking stay with me here.
- Oh, fuck.
My name is J.
P.
Cormier.
I've got my son-of-law in here.
He fucking pretty much snapped his neck in fucking half! It's broken big time! I didn't know you guys were following me till right now, okay? Coming out.
Give us a second.
It's all good here.
[man.]
Get out of the vehicle with your hands up now! Our fucking whole lives down the tubes! [Julian.]
Don't worry.
I'll take the heat for everything.
Fuck Don't worry about it, Bubs.
Your life's not gonna change a bit, believe me.
Oh yeah? You don't think my life changes if you go to jail? That's the part you guys don't seem to understand.
Let's just go out and fucking deal with this.
Maybe we'll just get a warning if they don't have any fucking evidence.
Get the fuck out of the way, Jacob.
This isn't all about you, okay? It's not quite that simple unfortunately, buddy.
- [groaning.]
- [Bubbles.]
What are you talking about? - Fuck's sakes.
- Oh, my fucking fuck, Ricky! Are you out of your mind? Ricky, why didn't you fucking tell us about those? Because I was saving it for an end-of-the-night surprise, all right? I was gonna keep the party going with them.
Why didn't you tell us when we were moving? We could have dumped the fucking things.
'Cause I thought we were gonna get away.
Wouldn't have anything to celebrate with then! There must be fucking toilet.
Flush the fucking things.
Ricky, we're in a fucking RV.
You can't flush anything, it'll just go in the tank.
You know that they could just fucking they can put these under a microscope and match them up to the ones from the bust.
We're fucked! That's it, boys.
Freedom 35 just turned into Incarceration 100.
Well, there's only one thing left to do.
We're gonna have to eat the fucking things.
Eat them? There's enough of those fucking things to take down a moose! Yeah.
There's a lot.
There is.
But we could fucking do it.
We can't eat them.
We'll die.
We're fucked.
No, we totally can, dude.
Back in the day, I ate like a ton, a ton of 'shrooms.
Yeah, did you ever think maybe that's why you're fucked in the head, Cory? [man.]
It's over, boys.
Come out with your hands up.
What are we gonna do, boys? Well, that depends on how bad we want fucking Freedom 35 here.
It's not just about us anymore.
It's about the entire future of everybody back at the park.
- Well, I'm in.
- I'm in.
[Jacob.]
Ah, man.
I guess so.
Mr.
Lahey? We're in.
[Julian.]
And I'm in.
What do you say, Bubs? Huh? Well, fuck it.
I guess I'm in too.
All right, we're coming out.
Just give us a couple of minutes.
We're dealing with a fucking guy with a broken neck and a guy with a fucked-up brain! But we are coming out.
- [Bubbles.]
To the future, boys.
- [Julian.]
Give me some.
- Oh, my God! - [Julian.]
Oh, my fuck.
[Bubbles.]
Just eat 'em, boys.
[Cory gagging.]
[Julian.]
These are fucking disgusting! Ah, gross, dude! Boys, if you mash them into a ball, they're not so bad.
Make a little mushroom ball and just pretend it's a nice risotto or somethin'.
Come on, Bubbles.
Come on, keep it together.
Keep it together.
You can do this.
Julian, how long has it been since we ate the fucking things? I don't know.
20, 30 minutes maybe.
I'm not in the right frame of mind for this.
That's the problem.
Yeah, listen.
You can't be scared or you're definitely gonna have a fucking bad trip and be dealing with demons and fucking zombies and bugs trying to fucking claw your eyes Ricky, Ricky, Ricky! Stop it! You're making it worse.
Are you feeling all right, Mr.
Lahey? Yeah, I feel okay.
How about you? I think so.
Would we be talking about this if we were frigged up? [Lahey giggling.]
I don't know! [Steinberg.]
Gentlemen, I've got good news and bad news.
Or what I would say, more like okay news, semi-okay news or - What's the fucking news? - Oh yeah, okay.
I think we're gonna be okay on the drug charges.
Yes! Yeah.
Tommy did, in fact, rat you guys out, but there's no hard evidence linking you guys to it.
So I'm pretty confident I can beat that.
- But it's not gonna be cheap.
- What about the other shit? Well, the evading the police, uh, damage to public and private property, et cetera, et cetera.
Now you're probably gonna have to eat that.
But, hey, at least no one got hurt, right? [Jacob.]
My neck got broken actually.
[Steinberg.]
Ooh.
Nice.
Might be able to use that to our advantage.
- [Ricky.]
Good job, buddy! - What? Okay, thanks, man.
Just keep us in the loop - if anything comes up, all right? - Yeah.
We should talk fees.
We'll talk fees, okay? But not right now.
And you better not fucking fuck me over again.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
I'll be in touch.
[Bubbles whimpering.]
Julian Julian, I'm definitely starting to notice - that I'm not right.
- Go with it.
Just go with it.
I'm not right.
I'm starting to feel How long does it take for them to totally kick in? [Ricky.]
I think they just did, boys.
[Bubbles screaming.]
Ricky! Holy fuck! Was I fucked? I feel like a cartoon! - [Bubbles whimpering.]
- [Ricky.]
Oh my God! - This is fucking amazing.
- Ricky - You guys gotta try this! - [Cory.]
You're spreading it, dude! - Ricky! - You guys seeing this too? - [Bubbles.]
Ah, stop it, Ricky! - [Randy.]
I'll protect you, Mr.
Lahey.
[Ricky.]
I hope this never fucking ends! [mixed moaning, whimpering.]
Aw, dudes, this is dope.
- We're cartoons! - Boys we're fucked.
[Ricky.]
Yeah-h-h! Yes! You know what the best currency is? And I just thought about this yesterday.
The best currency, the most valuable of all, is gratitude.
And if When you're dead, you're dead, but you're not quite so dead if you contribute something.
[theme music.]
[seagulls squawking.]
[fish.]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! [whisper.]
Fuck.
- [light clicks off.]
- Fuck off.
Hope you enjoyed the episode
I'm trying to talk to the camera here.
Fucking talk, then.
Well, today's a big day.
We're making this announcement that's gonna fucking change the lives of everybody here in Sunnyvale.
You know, Sunnyvale's our home.
We care about each and every one of these people.
How much longer do we have to wait, for fuck's sake? Murray, shut the fuck up or go the fuck home! All right? We're doing this for you, for fuck's sake! - Fuck you! - Fuck me? - [arguing.]
- [horn honking.]
[honking.]
Fuck Holy shit, Bubs! What the fuck is this? [Bubbles.]
Check that out.
[giggle.]
[Ricky.]
Fucking silver space ship.
- [Bubbles.]
Fucking right.
- Look at that, man.
[Bubbles giggling.]
It looks like a spaceship.
- Check it out.
- Fuck.
Check it out, boys.
[whispering.]
Julian, you didn't make the announcement without me, did you? We wouldn't do that without you, man.
Here, you do the honours.
What's the big fucking announcement? Bobby, I swear to fuck, you say one more fucking word.
- Ricky! - Say one more fucking word! Ricky, it's all right.
It's all right.
Hey, everybody! Sorry for the wait.
Look.
I know you all know I started this little beer company a few months back because you guys all kept me in business.
So I wanna thank you for that.
- [laugh.]
- [mixed cheers.]
Well, Ricky and Julian are my new partners and we are very happy to announce that as of today, Freedom 35's gonna be available right across Canada! [cheering.]
Yeah, and and you guys are all gonna be a part of the new company.
[cheering.]
Yes, sir.
That's our way of, you know, giving something back to the park that's given so much to us over the years.
We care about everybody here.
So anybody that needs a job, you just fucking got one.
- [cheering.]
- And that goes for Lahey and Randy, too.
[laughter.]
You know, it's been like fucking Armageddon around here ever since I got out of jail but I think we really turned a corner and I'm looking forward to a a bright and wonderful post-apocalypstic future.
Okay, everybody, thanks for coming out.
I hope the surprise was worth the wait.
- Cheers.
- That wasn't the whole surprise.
Actually, Julian, the old Bubbler has a couple of tricks up his sleeve.
No way.
Not actually, Ricky.
Not my real sleeve.
Everybody, today we are having the fucking double stag party to end all double stag parties! - No fucking way! - [cheering.]
We've got more fucking beer than you can shake a stick at.
We've got food, we've got weed.
All the fellas are invited.
[cheering.]
Today's for getting fucked up, everybody.
- What are we gonna get? - [all.]
Fucked up! I can't hear you! What are we gonna get? Fucked up! [theme music.]
When people get married, they do have a stag.
That is normal, right? - I know, I know, but sometimes girls - Hey boys, get the fuck in here.
It's time for surprise number one.
Get ready to be freaked out.
[laughing.]
What do you got going on here, Bubs? What is this, fucking Dexter's kill room or something? [Bubbles.]
No, no.
Just come in.
Come in.
[Ricky.]
What the fuck's happening, man? Well, my two best friends are all grown up, and getting married and everything, and it just got me thinking about, you know, when we were kids and how much shit we used to get into.
So, boys, I went around the park and I was asking people if they had any old footage of us.
Mrs.
Peterson had this in her shed.
- [Julian.]
Oh, no.
- Yes.
Are you ready for this? - [Ricky.]
Yes.
- [Bubbles giggling.]
Watch this.
[whirring.]
[Ricky laughing.]
I remember that hash! [Bubbles.]
Hot knives! - [Ricky.]
Right on! - [laughter.]
That is awesome.
[Bubbles.]
Ha-hah! Doin' blades! Oh yeah, check this, boys.
[Julian.]
Holy shit, isn't that Lahey's old place? [Ricky.]
No way, is this the day? No! [Bubbles.]
This is it, Ricky.
This is it, this is the day.
[laughter.]
Can't believe it.
[laughter.]
[Bubbles.]
Right in the bird! Remember? You got him, Ricky.
Remember? Went right in his pee hole.
Sorry, bud.
[Ricky.]
Fuck's happening here? [Bubbles.]
You guys remember this day? - Oh! - Uh-oh! [Bubbles.]
Remember how drunk he was? - Six hours.
- [laughter.]
[Bubbles.]
Look at Barb! Look at Barb! [giggle.]
That was one of the best one of the best space sessions we ever had.
[exclamations from the crowd.]
[Julian.]
We were young.
- Had to start sometime.
- Oh, you used to be so cute! [Bubbles.]
I think that's the first time I ever drank liquor.
Uh-oh.
- What were you, 12? - We were young, we were young.
[Bubbles.]
I think that car's still at the bottom of the lake.
[laughter.]
- [applause.]
- Yeah! Bubs, get over here, man.
That was awesome.
- Give me a hug.
- Yes.
That was the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life, man! Bring it in, Bubs.
That was badass, buddy! Thanks.
- Right on.
- Congratulations, boys.
Okay, you guys ready to go get fucked up or what? - [various.]
Yes! [Bubbles and Julian.]
Let's do it! [Ricky.]
Gotta stop by my trailer for a minute.
[Julian.]
All right, let's go.
[bottles clinking.]
Hey T, can you get all the boys down to the gravel pit? I'll meet you there.
- I got you, B.
- All right.
So I don't want you worrying about me today, okay? I promise I won't get too fucked up.
What? No, I want you to get fucked up.
It's your stag party, babe.
- You for real? - Yes! I mean, don't get, you know, bang-a-stripper messed up, but have fun.
Baby, I don't want to be banging any strippers, believe me.
- Exactly.
- Strippers? Baby, I don't want you around any strippers.
What the fuck you talking about? Of course there's going to be strippers.
It's a stag party.
STAG: Strippers That Are Greasy.
There's going to be strippers.
Right, Bubs? What? I don't know that for sure.
It's not a big deal.
We're just gonna look at them.
It's not like we're gonna fucking tee off on them - or finger blast them or anything.
- What does that even mean? Get some shit going.
Not gonna do it.
We're just gonna look at them.
I don't care if you look at male strippers.
- Good.
Maybe we will.
- Perfect! Yeah.
If you lay a finger on them, I swear to God Don't do it, Ricky.
I hear you.
Don't grab any fucking cocks.
Okay.
Well, if you touch any strippers, you come home, I'm gonna have a cock in each pocket.
Why would you even say that? I didn't say, "Hey", gonna get a bag full of tits and come home If you come home with a fucking bag full of tits - I'm not going to, Susan! - The stupidest thing.
- Fuck! Love you.
- Love you too, baby.
- Have fun.
- You too.
Prepare for some drunken banging when I get back, all right? - Okay, baby.
- All right.
I love you, babe.
Have fun.
[Julian.]
All right, boys.
Let's do it! Holy fuck, this thing is badass, man! Is this real wood? [Bubbles.]
Oh, you're fucking right, it's real wood, Ricky.
It's all mahogany, I think.
A smoke eater, too.
That's awesome, for smoking the dope.
A fucking flat screen TV! Are you kidding me, buddy? Ricky, it's got a satellite dish too.
- I got all the fucking channels.
- Fuck off! There's a Rambo marathon on tonight, boys.
Maybe we could watch that when we're all fucked up later.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, we could, or maybe we'll do some other shit.
We'll see what happens.
I just can't believe you own this fucking thing.
Well, I technically do, Ricky, and I'll probably end up living in it.
But, I mean, I feel like we all own it, you know? Yeah, but we don't.
You own it, right? You just said that.
Well, we could all have one very soon, Ricky.
I mean, you know, the beer guy said if everything goes the way it should, we're going to make 90 grand this year possibly.
- What? - Think about that.
- You shut the fuck up! - That's 30 grand each.
- What? - [Julian.]
Holy fuck! - [laugh.]
- Set for life! Bubs, where you going? You just passed the fucking road to the pit.
No, we got one more stop to make first, Julian.
[giggle.]
So I said, you can't had herpes.
[laughter.]
Sarah, I'm so sorry for how I acted.
I mean, I'm sure it must be difficult for you to accept that Ricky and I are getting married but I feel like we're all adults.
Okay, wait.
You think that I'm upset that you're marrying Ricky? [laughing.]
I couldn't be happier.
I can't believe anybody would marry him.
What the fuck do you mean by that? Well, like I've slept with him a couple times over the years.
Like, you know, he's really good in bed, okay? But I wouldn't marry him in a million years.
Well, he may be good in bed but he is one shitty handyman.
Ugh.
[Sarah.]
Yeah, he's a total fuck-up.
No offence, Trin.
None taken.
Mm.
He is great in bed.
I don't think anybody's disputing that.
Oh my God, guys! It's my dad.
Has anyone not slept with him? - Seriously, anybody? - I haven't.
Hello? - Well, I'm not saying anything.
- [laughing.]
Yes, sir.
I can be there in, uh, 15 minutes.
- Sorry, ladies.
Duty calls.
- [several.]
Awww! Yeah, there's a really big case I've been working on for the past several months.
An international drug case.
- Ooh, that sounds exciting.
- One step closer to being a judge.
[mixed laughs, cheers.]
- Cheers to dicks.
- [laughter.]
Have fun.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Bye! - We won't.
- [door banging.]
- [Bubbles.]
Ricky Grab a seat, boys.
What the fuck are we doing here? Isn't there food at the pit? Yeah, there's food at the pit.
I just wanted to come here and I thought it was the perfect place to make a toast.
All right.
[giggling.]
You guys don't even realize where we are, do you? - We're at the fucking school.
- Yeah, why are we here? We should be at the fucking pit getting fucked.
Boys, this is where we were sitting the first time you ever mentioned the words "Freedom 35", Julian.
Holy fuck, the memory on you.
Yeah, that's the day you picked us up at jail.
- Yes, sir.
- Wow, man.
Oh, my fuck! And then we went to steal car stereos.
- Yes, we did.
- Are we gonna steal car stereos? No, Ricky, no.
I just wanted to come here and just, you know, make a toast, - because I love you guys.
- We love you too, man.
You're fucking right we do.
- Wow.
- To friends, family, and to my best friends getting married.
And to never giving up.
And to ever never going back to jail.
We did it, boys.
To Freedom 35.
To Freedom 35.
- Let's just take it in.
- [Julian.]
Ahh.
Okay.
Well, now we got that out of the way.
Let's go to the pit and get fuckin' fucked out of our fuckin' minds! Let's do it! Let's go.
Come on, boys.
- [Julian.]
Let's go, Bubs.
- [Ricky.]
Come on, buddy.
Whoo! I thought we could sit here for a minute and enjoy the sentimentality of it.
Fuck! Look at all this shit, man.
- This is fucking amazing! - [Bubbles laughing.]
Boys, I want you guys to have the best day you've ever had in your entire fucking lives.
Look at all the people.
And what the fuck's with these cars, Bubs? They're not for what I think they are, are they? [Bubbles.]
Oh, you're fucking right they are, Ricky.
- [Ricky.]
Oh, yeah! - We're having a smash-up derby and once they're fucking sufficiently immobilized, guess what? - What? - [Bubbles giggling.]
We're going to shoot them with machine guns and then blow them up with fucking dynamite! - [Ricky.]
No, we're fucking not! - [Julian.]
What? I got everything from Reggie, baby.
[Ricky.]
Bubbles! You are fucking awesome! - Everything from Reggie.
- [laughter.]
Man, this is gonna be fucking incredible! Let's fucking get some drinking going, boys! - [giggle.]
- [cheering.]
[Bubbles.]
Everybody, let's get this party started! - [mixed cheers.]
- Just wait Pam.
What the fuck are you doing? Grill You can't cook a burger to save your fucking life! Randy, get on the cheeseburger detail, bud.
- Okay, Bubbles.
- Mr.
Lahey, get the liquor flowing, will you? Come on.
Cory, Jacob, there's about a hundred cases of beer on there.
You guys hump 'em off there, please.
Cool, man.
I got one already.
Well, just go get the fucking cases.
You take off the hundred and you can have a six pack between yous.
Dope.
Hey, everybody, without further ado, I'd like to hand over the floor to the master of grease ceremonies - [cheering.]
- Do it, T! Yes, man.
Y'all make some noise for my mans, Ricky and Julian, y'all! - Right on, T! - [cheering.]
- All right.
- Look at the size of that - this little bitch into my lungs.
- [giggle.]
- How's it going? - [Bubbles.]
Here we go.
I'm not allowed to touch you today but I'm allowed to look at you.
- I am! I am! - [Julian.]
Right on! I'm pretty fucking impressed with what Bubble's pulled together for this stag party.
It's fucking incredible.
We've got ladies, fucking food with the burgers, cars to fucking smash up and then blow up and shoot, guns, kablammo powder This could be the best stag party in the history of the fucking world.
The only thing that might make it better would be a fucking magic unicorn shitting golden nickels on us from a rainbow.
Maybe.
[Bubbles.]
Boys, drive some more burgers into you.
There's tons of food.
Get some more food.
Keep cooking, Randy.
Boys, are you ready to get the fucking smash-up derby going or what? - You're goddamn right! - Let's fucking do it, man! I mean, I don't want to break up the par-tay here.
It's okay, we'll be back.
We'll be back, ladies.
Okay.
Boys, you ready to get the smash-up derby going? - Yeah! - Do we get a car, Bubbles? You're goddamn right you get a car.
Lahey, you're fucking driving.
All right! [Bubbles.]
Okay.
Everybody get your fucking helmets on.
Safety first! [Lahey.]
Gentlemen, start your engines! - Helmets on, Ricky.
- I'm not wearing a fucking helmet.
- Yes, you are wearing a fucking - It'll fuck up my hair.
Ricky, would you rather have fucked-up hair or a fucked-up brain? Okay, boys, climb in.
Let's get this fucking thing going! Yo, dude, our doors are locked.
[Bubbles.]
It's fucking chained shut, Cory.
You've got to go in through the window.
[engines starting.]
[whooping, cheering.]
[rock music.]
[Bubbles grunting with excitement.]
Ahh! Look out, Mr.
Lahey! [Julian.]
Holy fuck this is awesome! I'm coming to get you, Lahey! [Jacob.]
Aw, dude, man, Cory, look out! [Ricky.]
Yeah! Fuck you, Lahey and Randy! Whoo! All right, who the fuck else wants a piece of me? [Julian.]
Eat my ass, Lahey! [motor revving.]
- [Ricky.]
All right, come on, Bubbles! - [Bubbles.]
No, Ricky! Not head-on! [Ricky.]
Fuck off, man.
You can't get hurt! [Bubbles.]
Yes, you can! [cheering.]
[Ricky.]
Oh, you think so, do you, you little fuckers? - Boom! - [Bubbles.]
Fuck's sake, Rick! [cheering.]
[Julian.]
Fuck, Ricky, watch the [Bubbles.]
Fatal mistake, Cory and Jacob.
Here comes the Bubbinator! [screaming, grunting.]
- [engine sputtering.]
- [Cory.]
Aw, dude.
What's going on? Start the car, dude! [Ricky.]
Bubs, Julian, they can't start their car.
Malachi fuckin' Crunch! [Cory.]
Hey dude, what's a Malachi Crunch, dude? [Ricky.]
Get the fuck out of my way! - [Julian.]
Just back the fuck up! - [engine sputtering.]
[Bubbles.]
Boys, not the Malachi Crunch! All right! Hit it! Do it! [Bubbles.]
Boys! - [Ricky.]
Boom! - [crowd.]
Ohh-h-h! [laughter.]
[Ricky.]
Whoo! Right on, Julian.
That was fucking perfect.
[Jacob moaning.]
Shit, dude.
I can't believe Oh, man what's wrong, dude? You okay? I think so.
I think I might have broke this thing again, though.
- Broke what thing? Your neck? - I think so.
Jacob, stop being a pussy.
You can't break your neck twice - in the same place.
It's impossible.
- No, it's not, Ricky.
- You can totally do that.
- Well, can you walk? I think so.
[panting.]
All right.
Cory, drag him the fuck out of there.
Go lay down in the RV and relax.
You're not ruining a perfect fucking day with a goddamn broken neck, Jacob.
Well, just be careful with him.
These cars are about as fucked up as they're going to get from driving them.
What do you say we shoot these cocksuckers - and then blow them up? - Fuck, yeah! [cheering.]
All right, I'll get my homemade kablammo powder! - [cellphone ringing.]
- Right on, Bubs.
Best day ever, buddy! Hi, baby.
What? Slow down.
What why is it off? Japanese mafia? What are you? No, listen to me.
Listen to me.
No, no, babe, babe, let me Stop yelling.
Ba Candy? [click.]
[sigh.]
For fuck's sakes! Fuck! [Ricky.]
What the fuck's going on, man? Are you all right? No, I'm not all right! Candy just broke up with me.
What? What the fuck did she say? I don't know, man.
She was screaming at me, calling me a liar and something about the fucking Japanese mafia.
Told me to get a lawyer, shit's coming down.
I don't fucking know, man.
It sucks but - So, you're not getting married? - Apparently not, Ricky.
[laughing.]
That's fucking amazing! - Fuck you! - No, seriously.
If you're not getting married, I'm definitely not getting married! It's fucking perfect.
- I gotta go fucking deal with this.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, I'm dealing with this - This is an awesome day - Get the fuck out of my way! - It just got awesomer.
Think about it.
We're fucking single now.
- I don't want to be single! - Okay, well, trust me on this one.
When they're fucking worked up, yelling and screaming at you, you've got to let them calm down.
It's happened to me, and that's the best fucking thing.
- Let them calm down.
- Yeah? Yeah.
All right.
Okay, let's go blow some shit up.
- Yes, let's go blow some shit up! - Deal with this later.
[Ricky.]
Whoo! [Jacob panting.]
Thank you.
[Randy.]
Holy frig, your neck is crooked, Jacob.
[panting.]
Thank you.
[Ricky.]
Holy fuck, these are amazing, Bubs! - Where did you get these fucking things? - Fucking Reggie just got 'em in.
Ricky.
[laugh.]
All right, boys.
Listen, that's fucking full of kablammo powder.
The first one to hit the sweet spot, that baby's going up.
- Right on.
I'm hitting it.
- You guys ready? - Yeah! - Do it.
All right.
One, two, three, fire! [gunfire.]
[crowd cheering.]
[Bubbles.]
Yeah! Holy fuck! That was fucking incredible, man! Let's do another one.
You want me to wire up another one, Ricky? Yeah! - Let's do it! - Wait, wait, wait what's that? What? - [sirens in the distance.]
- Is that sirens? Yeah.
They sound like they're far away, though.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
In the RV.
- [Ricky.]
Come on, buddy.
- [Lahey.]
Hey, Julian.
Jacob's really not feeling very well, boys.
He's going Get the fuck in! Get the fuck in! - Everybody in.
- What are we doing? - [Ricky.]
We're not taking them.
- [Julian.]
Get in! - [Ricky.]
Fuck! - [Julian.]
Let's go! - [Bubbles.]
Let's blow up another one! - [Julian.]
Get the fuck in here, Bubbles! Julian, what the fuck is going on here? I don't know.
Just give me a second to think.
Well, why are we fucking leaving? Like, we didn't really do anything wrong.
And is this cop What's this? Is this here for us? Holy fuck.
- Julian? - What? Bubs, just give me a fucking second here! Am I fucking driving or are we pulling over? - What is happening? - Keep fucking driving.
- Where the fuck am I going? - Ricky, just pull over.
No.
Keep driving until I fucking sort this out.
[Bubbles.]
What do you mean sort it out? Sort what out? All right.
Candy called me earlier.
She said it was fucking something about me being involved with the Japanese mafia or something.
I think it has something to do with the mushroom deal.
Oh, do you fucking think, Einstein? - And there's fucking more cops coming? - [sirens blaring.]
You didn't think to mention this? Look at them, they're fucking coming in hot.
- Fuck! - Pull this the fuck over right now, Ricky! I'm not fucking pulling over now.
It's three fucking cop cars, Bubs.
You know what? We can outrun them.
We got the perfect buzz on for this.
Ricky, we cannot outrun fucking three cops - in this old fucking piece of shit! - Yes, we can.
We just need to make it to Moncton, cross the fucking border and we'll hide out in Moncton.
They can't fucking touch us there.
Oh, we're making a run for the county line, are we, Ricky? This isn't fucking Porky's! Pull the fucking thing over.
- Bubs, I can fucking outrun them.
- [Julian.]
Just punch it.
- [engine roaring.]
- Ricky! So I said to him, "I don't think that's gonna fit in there.
" - [breaking news music on TV.]
- [laughter.]
[Sarah.]
Holy fucking shit! Trinity! [Steve Rogers.]
Police are now in pursuit of four suspects believed to be involved in the drug bust in Halifax Pier yesterday involving psilocybin mushrooms en route to Japan.
Hey, I think we lost them, boys.
Good driving, Rickles.
Well, hopefully they just fucking pulled back for safety reasons.
Watch the bumps, eh, boys.
I'm really hurting down here.
- [Cory.]
Here dude.
- [Ricky.]
Are you okay, Jacob? - The fuck is that? - [helicopter whirring.]
[Bubbles.]
Jesus fuck! There's a Channel 10 news chopper! How? I thought we fucking shot it down with your rocket.
- You did? - Oh, my fuck, no, - they must have got a new one.
- [Ricky.]
What? - It is nice! - [Julian.]
Ricky! Rick-Rick-Rick - [clattering.]
- [mixed shouting.]
[Bubbles.]
Holy fuck, Ricky! [Jacob moaning.]
[Bubbles.]
Ricky! [Julian.]
That way, that way, that way! Dead end up here.
Dead end! Take a Do a U-ey! - Where am I going? Where? - [Julian.]
Just do a fucking U-ey! [Bubbles.]
Ricky, what in the fuck are you doing? [various.]
Right! Right! Right! Ricky! - [crashing.]
- [Jacob groaning, moaning.]
[Julian.]
Over this way! Over this way! Back on the path! Ricky! [Bubbles.]
Ricky, you hit every fucking thing in the park! What the fuck did they do? Put all this shit right in the fucking middle? - Oh fuck! Cop, cop! - [Bubbles whimpering.]
- Oh, we're fucked, boys! - [officer.]
Stop the vehicle! Stop! - [Julian.]
Just pull over.
- [Ricky.]
How you doing? [officer.]
Pull that fucking thing over! [Steve Rogers.]
A dramatic chase unfolding that Steve Rogers will continue to report on despite a crippling fear of being back in the news chopper after that horrendous crash several weeks back.
- Fuck! - Those fucking idiots.
- What a bunch of A-holes.
- Ugh.
[Steve Rogers.]
New information just coming in.
The RV apparently belongs to Bubbles of the Sunnyvale [Bubbles.]
Oh my fuck, they named me! In crime, Ricky and Julian, are said to be on board as well.
Police now saying that the drugs, had they hit the streets of Japan, would have been worth well over a million dollars.
What? A million dollars? I knew that fucking guy was fucking ripping us off! [Julian.]
Turn this shit off.
[Bubbles.]
Ricky, just pull over, please.
Let's just face the fucking music.
It's a little more complicated than that, Bubs.
Look, we're almost at the highway.
It's pretty much a straight shot to Moncton from there.
Why are you still trying to get to fucking Moncton? [on radio.]
Dispatch, get this chopper out of here.
- [Ricky.]
They still back there? - [horns honking.]
Oh, yeah, we've got fucking people cheering us on like fucking O.
J.
now? Thank fuck the traffic's not dreadlocked.
We'd be really fucked.
We're almost at the fucking highway, boys.
We're gonna make it! [Bubbles.]
We're gonna make it, are we, Ricky? Fuck.
It's one of those circley things.
What the fuck do you do with these? Go, stay to the right, go around it, Ricky! - The circle or? - Go around the circle.
- [Jacob.]
Don't go too fast.
- [Cory.]
Dude man, if you go backwards you could lose the chopper, 'cause choppers don't go backwards.
[helicopter whirring.]
[man on radio.]
Dispatch in pursuit of a silver RV on Chipper Drive.
- It's your fucking fault, Julian! - Why is it my fault? - Why do I listen to you? - We all agreed to do this.
Stop fucking trying to get around me! - Fuck off! - [Lahey.]
Shit! [Bubbles.]
Ricky! Ricky! Get back in the fucking vehicle, Ricky! [Julian.]
over this way.
He's gonna pass.
Over this way.
- [siren buzzing.]
- [Bubbles.]
Jesus Murphy.
[Julian.]
Roadblock.
What the fuck are we gonna do here? - Fuck's sakes - Correction.
Half block.
[laughs.]
You fucking idiot! - [Bubbles.]
Ricky! - [tires hissing.]
[shouting.]
Fuck's sakes! This fucking piece of shit must have shitty tires! Every one of 'em just fucking blew at once! Just pull over, Ricky.
We're on fucking rims.
We can make it still! Ricky, you name one person on "Cops" you ever saw make it on fucking rims.
I don't know their fucking names but I've seen't them fucking do it! Fuck! - [Bubbles.]
Fuck.
- [Julian.]
Shit! [man on speaker.]
This is the Sunnyvale Police Department.
We have you surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
All right, everybody calm the fuck down for a second here! Just give us a second.
I think I can get us out of this, boys.
- Just fucking stay with me here.
- Oh, fuck.
My name is J.
P.
Cormier.
I've got my son-of-law in here.
He fucking pretty much snapped his neck in fucking half! It's broken big time! I didn't know you guys were following me till right now, okay? Coming out.
Give us a second.
It's all good here.
[man.]
Get out of the vehicle with your hands up now! Our fucking whole lives down the tubes! [Julian.]
Don't worry.
I'll take the heat for everything.
Fuck Don't worry about it, Bubs.
Your life's not gonna change a bit, believe me.
Oh yeah? You don't think my life changes if you go to jail? That's the part you guys don't seem to understand.
Let's just go out and fucking deal with this.
Maybe we'll just get a warning if they don't have any fucking evidence.
Get the fuck out of the way, Jacob.
This isn't all about you, okay? It's not quite that simple unfortunately, buddy.
- [groaning.]
- [Bubbles.]
What are you talking about? - Fuck's sakes.
- Oh, my fucking fuck, Ricky! Are you out of your mind? Ricky, why didn't you fucking tell us about those? Because I was saving it for an end-of-the-night surprise, all right? I was gonna keep the party going with them.
Why didn't you tell us when we were moving? We could have dumped the fucking things.
'Cause I thought we were gonna get away.
Wouldn't have anything to celebrate with then! There must be fucking toilet.
Flush the fucking things.
Ricky, we're in a fucking RV.
You can't flush anything, it'll just go in the tank.
You know that they could just fucking they can put these under a microscope and match them up to the ones from the bust.
We're fucked! That's it, boys.
Freedom 35 just turned into Incarceration 100.
Well, there's only one thing left to do.
We're gonna have to eat the fucking things.
Eat them? There's enough of those fucking things to take down a moose! Yeah.
There's a lot.
There is.
But we could fucking do it.
We can't eat them.
We'll die.
We're fucked.
No, we totally can, dude.
Back in the day, I ate like a ton, a ton of 'shrooms.
Yeah, did you ever think maybe that's why you're fucked in the head, Cory? [man.]
It's over, boys.
Come out with your hands up.
What are we gonna do, boys? Well, that depends on how bad we want fucking Freedom 35 here.
It's not just about us anymore.
It's about the entire future of everybody back at the park.
- Well, I'm in.
- I'm in.
[Jacob.]
Ah, man.
I guess so.
Mr.
Lahey? We're in.
[Julian.]
And I'm in.
What do you say, Bubs? Huh? Well, fuck it.
I guess I'm in too.
All right, we're coming out.
Just give us a couple of minutes.
We're dealing with a fucking guy with a broken neck and a guy with a fucked-up brain! But we are coming out.
- [Bubbles.]
To the future, boys.
- [Julian.]
Give me some.
- Oh, my God! - [Julian.]
Oh, my fuck.
[Bubbles.]
Just eat 'em, boys.
[Cory gagging.]
[Julian.]
These are fucking disgusting! Ah, gross, dude! Boys, if you mash them into a ball, they're not so bad.
Make a little mushroom ball and just pretend it's a nice risotto or somethin'.
Come on, Bubbles.
Come on, keep it together.
Keep it together.
You can do this.
Julian, how long has it been since we ate the fucking things? I don't know.
20, 30 minutes maybe.
I'm not in the right frame of mind for this.
That's the problem.
Yeah, listen.
You can't be scared or you're definitely gonna have a fucking bad trip and be dealing with demons and fucking zombies and bugs trying to fucking claw your eyes Ricky, Ricky, Ricky! Stop it! You're making it worse.
Are you feeling all right, Mr.
Lahey? Yeah, I feel okay.
How about you? I think so.
Would we be talking about this if we were frigged up? [Lahey giggling.]
I don't know! [Steinberg.]
Gentlemen, I've got good news and bad news.
Or what I would say, more like okay news, semi-okay news or - What's the fucking news? - Oh yeah, okay.
I think we're gonna be okay on the drug charges.
Yes! Yeah.
Tommy did, in fact, rat you guys out, but there's no hard evidence linking you guys to it.
So I'm pretty confident I can beat that.
- But it's not gonna be cheap.
- What about the other shit? Well, the evading the police, uh, damage to public and private property, et cetera, et cetera.
Now you're probably gonna have to eat that.
But, hey, at least no one got hurt, right? [Jacob.]
My neck got broken actually.
[Steinberg.]
Ooh.
Nice.
Might be able to use that to our advantage.
- [Ricky.]
Good job, buddy! - What? Okay, thanks, man.
Just keep us in the loop - if anything comes up, all right? - Yeah.
We should talk fees.
We'll talk fees, okay? But not right now.
And you better not fucking fuck me over again.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
I'll be in touch.
[Bubbles whimpering.]
Julian Julian, I'm definitely starting to notice - that I'm not right.
- Go with it.
Just go with it.
I'm not right.
I'm starting to feel How long does it take for them to totally kick in? [Ricky.]
I think they just did, boys.
[Bubbles screaming.]
Ricky! Holy fuck! Was I fucked? I feel like a cartoon! - [Bubbles whimpering.]
- [Ricky.]
Oh my God! - This is fucking amazing.
- Ricky - You guys gotta try this! - [Cory.]
You're spreading it, dude! - Ricky! - You guys seeing this too? - [Bubbles.]
Ah, stop it, Ricky! - [Randy.]
I'll protect you, Mr.
Lahey.
[Ricky.]
I hope this never fucking ends! [mixed moaning, whimpering.]
Aw, dudes, this is dope.
- We're cartoons! - Boys we're fucked.
[Ricky.]
Yeah-h-h! Yes! You know what the best currency is? And I just thought about this yesterday.
The best currency, the most valuable of all, is gratitude.
And if When you're dead, you're dead, but you're not quite so dead if you contribute something.
[theme music.]
[seagulls squawking.]
[fish.]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! [whisper.]
Fuck.
- [light clicks off.]
- Fuck off.
Hope you enjoyed the episode