Trailer Park Boys: The Animated Series (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
The Penis Milker
1 All right, hold still there, Vincie.
Gotta get these babies nice and clean.
We don't want you getting cavities on the last two.
All right, Scratch Bastard, you're next.
Sweet flying fuck, Scratch, what's going on with your breath, bud? Smells like you ate the arse out of a dead skunk.
campers and residents up in these hills consider this mountain lion a serious threat, and the city has issued a $500 bounty for the live capture or termination of this deadly predator.
I need me that 500.
It'll help get one of my wives out of jail.
Or maybe I'll buy a new carburetor for the truck.
I tell ya, that furry-ass cocksucker's mine.
Fuck you, you backwoods son of a bitch! The mountain lion was last spotted from a helicopter roaming the South Mountain area.
Holy fuck! That's Steve French! Don't worry, Steve, I'm coming to save you! Good kitty! Sorry about your water pressure, Marguerite.
I did the best I could.
How in the fuck am I gonna take a shower now? It's like a goddamn race horse pissing in my face.
I'll try to take a look at it again later, but I've been so friggin' busy with Mr.
Lahey gone.
Listen to me, you fucking little crotch-bobber.
You fix it today, or I swear to Christ, I will rip off that little wiener of yours and feed it to the fucking seagulls.
Marguerite, you don't gotta be like that-- -What the frig? Who-- -Oh, yeah, you like that, Randy? Why the fuck isn't my garbage picked up at my trailer? I've got two weeks of garbage sitting outside my door.
What you waiting for, rats to eat my little grandson's pecker off? Frig off, Ricky.
I can't do every friggin' thing on my own! Really, Mr.
Tit Belly.
It seems to me all you do is sit around, diddling your thumbs and diddling your cocks.
Get out of here, Ricky.
Leave me alone.
Oh, my fuck, you think you're stronger than me, penis toast? -Fuck you, you fuckin' burger weeble! -Frig off! Stop it! Frig off! I'm telling you now, get your fucking shit together or we'll all sign a fuckin'Â preetition and get you fired, you lazy grease beast.
Please, Mr.
Lahey, I need your help, buddy! Why won't you talk to me? What a trip, Randy! Mr.
Lahey! How are your breasts? Where have you been? I miss you so much.
Do you miss me, Mr.
Lahey? You bet your sweet bumkins, my little Randy Bobandy.
Let's have a party, bud.
I'd love to party with you, sir, but I just don't have the friggin' time! One little sip of each, Randy.
It won't hurt a fucking thing.
This is fucking incredible, this is Wiser's.
This is Jim Beam bourbon.
This is Fireball.
Mr.
Lahey, that's enough! Randy, you fucking spilled my liquor! I'm sorry, sir, but you're just not listening! I can't do this.
You know, I'm having enough trouble right now trying to run this park all by myself.
I try to help them but they all just think I'm a big friggin' jerk.
Randy.
You're fucking incredible.
Just fuckin' take the park, Randy! You really believe in me, Mr.
Lahey? You bet your fucking asshole, Randy.
Okay then.
Frig everyone.
I'm taking this park back! Now that's my Randy.
Okay, this is it, boys.
Steve French was last spotted in this neck of the woods, here.
Oh, yeah, here we go.
Bug-fucking pestquitos.
I hate bitey fuckin' things.
Fuck you! Jesus Christ, Bubs, what's up with the fuckin' backpack? How long do you plan on spending here? As long as it fucking takes, all right? Look, I brought a few essentials.
I brought Steve French some meat and dope, and I got my survival handbook.
Survival handbook? Could we die? We probably won't fuckin' die, but get ass-raped by a bear if you play your cards right.
We won't get ass-raped by bears.
Bears are the last of our fucking worries right now.
We gotta find Steve and we gotta keep our fuckin' eyes peeled for Samsquanches.
I brought this, boys, just in case we see one of those dirty whores.
A little bit of water, some hot pepper solution.
Squirt the cocksucker right in the eyes.
This is the only repellent we need, right here.
Fuck! Did you bring any bug-fuck-off spray, Bubs? This is driving me nuts! Yo, Kerwin the mail dude told me that if you drink piss, -it repels mosquitoes and shit.
-I'll try anything at this point.
Ricky! You don't drink it.
Fuck sakes, it says here you mix it with mud and rub the piss paste all over your body.
Perfect, let's make some fuckin' piss mud.
Fuck off.
 We're not covering ourselves in piss mud.
Suck it up, okay? Let's find this tiger and get the fuck out of here.
It's not a tiger, it's a mountain lion.
Steve French is one of the most awesome creatures on the planet, he was one of my best buds-- -Oh, you little flying crab whores! -Ricky! I had to set Steve free in the wild, where he belongs.
There's no way I'm gonna let fuckin' dirty-ass poachers anywhere near him.
Poor Steve.
Fuck! You goddamn bug bitey bastards! Pieces of shit! Jesus, Ricky, how much piss did you put on your body? You smell like a truck stop toilet.
You said to cover myself in piss, and it's not working! Yo, this is really freaky, but smelling your piss makes me have to piss.
That's not freaky, that's called piss synesthesia, Cory.
I've got something wrong too.
My guts are fucked.
Is that piss synesthesia? No, that'll be the pack of rotten hot dogs you ate, Jacob.
Oh God, why are you two so fucked in the head? Hurry up! We've got to wrap this up before it gets dark! Evening.
You boys out looking for the lion? 'Cause I got dibs on this here territory.
Yeah.
We're looking for it.
Yeah, so we can save him from fuckin' cock helmets like you.
Don't you fuckin' hurt him.
He's a special kitty and he'll be scared to death out here.
He must be special if he's worth five big 'uns.
So, if you all excuse me, I got some huntin' to do.
You stay the fuck away from him, you dirty cocksucker, I swear to fuck! Fuck you, four eyes! You fuck yourself! Holy fuck! AÂ Samsquanch got Cory and Jacob! Shit! Get it off, it's biting me, guys! Jesus Christ, Jacob, only you could fuck up taking a shit.
-What's wrong with you? -Just come on and pull it open.
I'm trying, dude, but the teeth are all the way in! Fuck, I hope it didn't get your acorns.
Oh, fuck, dudes! Bigfoot shit! Wait now, that's not Samsquanch shit, that's bear shit.
How do you know? The smell of it.
What the fuck is that? Looks like a chewed-up spring roll.
Yeah, looks like a snake's head.
Boys, if I was a gamblin' man, I'd bet the farm that that right there is Sam Losco's wiener.
-Oh, my-- -Jesus Christ! Get it the fuck away from me.
What the fuck are you talking about? Remember Sam told us a bear swiped his cock off? Well, he must've chewed on it for a while, swallowed it, and then obviously couldn't digest it, so he shit it out.
And there she is.
Dudes, when this happens you're supposed to put it on ice and get it back to the person.
I guess Sam Losco doesn't want his mangled cock back at this point.
Totally agree, Bubs.
Fuck that.
Okay, enough of this.
Let's call it a day, boys.
What? No fucking way! Bubs, it'll be dark soon, and we're dealing with cock-eating bears.
-And man, once they get a taste for it-- -We're not leaving, all right? Everything we need to know is right here in my survival manual.
We can make torches, we can sleep in piled-up leaves-- Overnight? No fucking way.
I'm not sleeping in the fucking woods, man.
Steve French is my family and I'm not going to turn my back on him.
But if you guys, my human family, feel you need to turn your back on me, then fine! You go ahead! I'll fucking see yous later! -Fuck sakes.
-All right, for fuck sakes.
Let's set up camp and get Jacob's ass stitched up.
Thanks, Julian.
You two are gonna have to stay up and be lookouts for cock-eating bears.
Okay, we got this, dude.
Boys, come on, it's going to be fun.
I'll cook us up a nice meal.
I'll show you how good it is to live off the land.
Come here, who's got your bellies? Deedle deedle.
I'm not eating fucking land.
Okay, Barb, listen up.
Everyone in this park has to start showing me some respect.
And the only way I'm gonna get that respect is if officially, 100%, you make me the trailer park supervisor.
Well, looks like this young man is riding a bit sidesaddle.
Not the best way to travel if you're on the road to respect.
You're sayin' I'm drunk? You're friggin' drunk.
Randy, this is Clont.
We met line dancing at Clodhoppers.
Syncopated grapevine.
Coaster step.
Double touch and a do-si-do.
What the frig? So, young Randy.
If it's respect you're searching for, you won't find it with what you are.
Respect can be found with who you are.
Really? I kinda like that.
Randy, why not take Clont on your rounds? He's pretty good with his hands.
Maybe you can learn a little something for once in your life.
Could be fun.
How about tomorrow, we greet the day bright and early and you and I together will fix whatever ails the people of Sunnyvale.
Okay.
Let's do it! Let's fix some friggin' shit.
It's a good attitude there, partner.
You don't have to use those cuss words though.
Fuck, how good is this fucking soup, boys? I told you eating off the land is scrump-dilly! Who wants more? I can't do it, man.
I actually feel a bit fucked up here.
-I might have to go to sleep.
-Sleep? Come on, Julian, I thought we could tell scary stories with flashlights under our chins.
No, I'm gonna have to go to bed too, something is not right.
Why does it feel like the fucking ground is breathing right now? What? Jesus.
I think I'm feeling a bit weird too, actually.
Oh, my fuck! I didn't see these red dots under here! Oh, no! Okay, boys! We might have a fucking emergency here! Oh, no! Boys, wake up! Holy fuck! Oh, my God, Datura! "A rare, hallucinogenic flower that typically produces delirium"? What have I done? Boys! Wake up! Steve? It's okay.
It's me.
It's Bubbles.
Monsieur Bubbles? Is that really you? What in the holy mother of Jesus H.
Christ? You can talk? Oui.
It is so I am to tell you that I am in a grave fucking danger.
Bubbles, I need you to save me from these dreadful men with the crazy fucking guns.
I will, Steve.
Holy fuck, I had no idea when I named you Steve French all those years ago that you'd actually speak French, or speak at all.
That's pretty fucked! Merde.
They are close.
I must quickly dash away.
No! No! Steve, come back! Save yourselves! Go! Before they suck your soul! Okay, okay, keep it together, Bubbles, you're just tripping out on flower soup.
Okay, just climb into your leaf bed and go to sleep, We will reassess reality tomorrow.
Oh, boy.
There you are, Marguerite.
Full, even pressure.
Good as new.
Wonderful, Clont.
Will we be seeing more of you around here? Well, I'm hoping that's the case.
It's been a long fucking time since I had a big piece of dark chocolate with nuts.
Can't you hear my little thing purring down there? Have a good day, Marguerite.
Sorry it took so long.
Oh, no.
No, that's not a problem.
You can snake my pipes any time, sugar ass.
Randy, little secret.
Tell people what they want to hear, and they'll give you whatever you want.
I'm telling you, I'm not crazy, boys.
I saw him and he talked to me.
Bubs, it was just a reaction from the flower soup.
I feel fucking great.
Jacob! Let's go, breakfast hash.
Jacob? Where is that piss-for-brains fuck donkey? Probably having another tandem shit with Cory.
-Cory! Jacob! Let's go! -Cory! Jacob! Oh, my God, boys.
Their clothes, all torn up.
Oh, my fuck, either a Samsquanch got them or they got their souls sucked, just like the naked guy said would happen.
Bubs, there was no naked guy.
Fuck, boys, what if that cock-eating bear got them fucked them and ate their cocks? What? Why would the bear fuck them? Same reason he'd eat their cocks.
Think about it.
Boys, enough with the cock talk okay, there's nothing to worry about.
Right, nothing to worry about, Julian.
Just backwoods lumber cocksuckers with long guns.
These aren't backwoods lumber cocksuckers, these are fucking hill-a-billies.
Well, this is it, boys.
We're finally gonna get ass-raped.
We're not gonna get ass-raped, okay? We'll talk to these guys, we'll figure this out.
Talk to them? Oh, sure.
Hill-a-billies are very easy people to reason with, Julian.
The only thing they're gonna want to talk about is whether we want it in the ass or the mouth.
Maybe they're not the ass or mouth rapey kind of hill-a-billies.
I didn't see a fuckin' banjo.
We are so getting fuckin' raped here, boys! Yep.
My fault? How in the fuck is this my fault? If we hadn't looked for Steve-fucking-French, we wouldn't be waiting to be raped by hillbillies right now, Bubs! Wait, we're gonna get raped? We're getting fuckin' raped big time! Take a look around.
What the fuck's this look like to you, a barnmitzvah? If I wasn't about to get penetrated by a hillbilly in a barn, I might take the time to point out just how ironic that word you fucked up is.
All right, who's goin' first? Can we flip a coin, sir? I think that's only fair.
Or how about this? You don't ass-rape us.
Rape ya? We ain't gonna rape ya.
We're not weirdies or nothin'.
Oh, thank Jesus-mother-and-fucking-Joseph.
Thank you! No, but we's gonna take your spunk.
What was that? We needs a new batch of penis mud from new folks.
Turns out we ain't supposed to be doin' it with our cousins so much.
-Surprise.
-Yeah! Yeah, go figure! That why we all startin' to look the same and getting a lot God dang it, what's that word I'm lookin' for? Stupider? Nope.
Dumber.
Clem, get the milker.
The milker? Yeah, so we can milk you, dummy.
Oh, my fuck.
Whoa! You're not gonna use that to milk our tits Nope, not the titties.
It's the penies we're interested in.
Except for you.
'Cause you got them messed up gawkers.
Yeah, his eyes all kind of fucked.
You're absolutely right, I can't see a fucking thing.
You definitely don't want to be milking my bird, sir.
Hang on, you don't want to milk me either.
It's pretty much pure alcohol.
Yeah, and I've got that fuckin' disease, the lemon dis-- forget what it's fuckin' called, it kills ya! How 'bout all y'all shut up or I'll shoot the bag off ole googly-eyes.
Boys, just let the man milk ya, or they're gonna shoot my bag off.
You heard the man, Clem, fire up that there milker.
-Quick, boys, think about dead puppies.
-What? So you don't get hard.
You can't get any suck torque on a limp biscuit.
Oh, fuck off! No! Get that fucking thing away from me! Jesu-- whoa! -Resist it, Ricky, resist it! -Okay! -Hold on a min, boys.
-Hey, dude, is this supposed to feel good? Yeah, no shit! Like this isn't that bad at all.
Not nearly as intense as my shop-vac.
I could get real used to this.
Used to it? Oh, God, nice if I could get high too.
It's the only thing missing.
Oh, really? How about your dignity? Hey, Clem.
How much longer is this-- this milking gonna take? Until it's all dang done, that's how long! We need a mess of your love spunk so we can have woods full of children runnin' around with good gawkers and chompers.
And some of them meaty-looking man muscles -you got there, boy.
-Get this fucking thing off me! Simmer down, ya big ape.
Eustice spotted that there wild cat in the woods.
Grab your gun.
Oh, goddamn it! Steve! He's in trouble, boys.
We gotta help him.
No, we need to get this fucking thing off my cock before it sucks my balls flat.
It doesn't really work like that, Julian.
Your science is off.
Really, Bubs? Science? How would you know? Have you ever had your cock sucked for two hours straight, huh? Steve French! You're alive.
Oh, thank God.
Shoo! Get the fuck out of here before those cross-eyed cousin fuckers come back and shoot you.
No, go, Steve, go.
Run! Dude, that's so cute.
He misses you! Wait, actually, I think he smells the pot I brought him.
Oh, is that what you want, boy? Come on and get it.
You wanna get high, Steve? What in the name of fuck are you doing, man? I'm rubbing the pot on the ropes like MacGyver would do.
Good kitty.
Chew the weed flavor off there.
Oh, my fuck, he likes weed.
Look at him go.
Good kitty, keep chewing.
He did it! Boys, I'm free! Tres bien, Steve French.
Tres bien, mon ami.
Come here, who's got your kitty belly? Bubs! For fuck sakes, untie us before those load-draining bastards come back.
-Jesus.
-Sorry, Steve and I can catch up later.
Just give me a few more minutes here, boys.
I've never shot this much in my life.
Oh, God.
-Ricky, Jesus Murphy.
-Oh, here we go.
-Ricky, fuck off.
Let's go! -Okay, I'm good.
Hoppy-up, Steve.
Come on, good kitty.
What the fuck are you doin', Julian? I'm making sure we don't become part of their fucked up gene pool.
Just don't worry, Steve.
We're gonna get you to a safe place.
He can't understand a fuckin' word you say.
He's a mountain panther.
He can understand me, Ricky.
He's a special mountain lion, he's not a panther, and he talked to me.
He didn't fucking talk to you.
Look, just drive to Billy Bastard's Bluff so we can get him somewhere safe, okay? Oh, fuck.
We've got company, boys.
Fuck, they really want to milk us bad.
They're fucking obsessed.
They're fucking gaining on us! Think I've a way to lose them, but it means jumping a fuckin' creek, boys.
No.
Fuck no, man.
I broke my neck last time! Everyone fucking relax.
I just need to go fucking faster this time.
Trust me, I will Evel Knievel the fuck out of this shit Ricky, Evel Knievel crashed more times than he made it.
Exactly.
Fuck, yeah! Holy fuck! I can't believe you fucking did it, man.
Simple math.
I can't believe you fuckers doubted me.
Hey, look, those cross-eyed dudes didn't jump.
Fuck you, you pussies! Yeah, fuck you, dickheads! Milk this, you fuckin' hill-a-billies! Ah, shit, get the fuck going, boys! Hey, Barb.
Randy, you are all sweaty.
That's work sweat, Barb, not my normal body sweat.
I fixed everything in the park.
Properly.
For the first time in my life, I'm proud of my work, and the sweat on my body.
So I think I proved and I deserve the trailer park supervisor job.
Well, Clont says he was disappointed in your work.
What? Clont was there.
He saw me working hard.
What the frig, Clont? I saw what I saw.
And you ain't ready for a raise yet, boy.
And that's good enough for me.
He's a real man's man, Randy.
He knows what good work is when he sees it.
And he hasn't seen it yet.
Oh, and Randy, go take a shower.
You friggin' knew that I did the work, friggin' bastard! Tell her! You don't need to impress her anymore, dummy, you need to impress me.
And I ain't impressed.
I run the show now and this face is gonna be around for a long-ass motherfucking time.
There's a new sheriff in town, boy.
Oh, my God, it's the cowboy Boba Fett.
And he's after Steve.
What are we gonna do here, boys? Bubs, calm down.
Keep the hill lion hidden.
I'll fuckin' take care of this.
Hey, how the fuck are you doing? Would you hide him? I'm trying.
He's a cat.
He's curious.
It's in his nature.
What the fuck is Ricky saying? Oh, I can read lips, dude.
Ricky just said "cheese, moon penis.
" The other guy is sayin' "nipples, turnip, beach ball.
" What do they mean? They didn't say any of that shit.
Hey Cory, read my lips.
You're a fucking idiot.
Way to go, Ricky! How the fuck did you get rid of him? Told him we never seen Steve French, but I knew who fucking did.
The hill-a-billies.
-That's a good one.
-Decent.
-Very smart.
-Good thinking, Ricky.
Oh, dude, did you warn him the hill-a-billies might try -to steal his load? -No, I didn't, ass-for-brains.
That's the whole fucking point.
Oh, yeah.
You still don't get it, do you? Yeah, I do.
Get what? Boys, I'm gonna need a minute to say goodbye to Steve.
Sure, buddy.
Okay, Steve, you'll be safe here from all those asshole bounty hunters.
I guess this is it, though.
Listen, the other night at the campfire, did you talk to me? A wink! Decent.
You okay, man? Yeah, I'm all right.
We saved Steve French, that's the main thing, I couldn't have done it without you guys.
We did a good thing today, boys.
Still no word on how it started, but experts say it will take decades to repair the damage to the ecosystem from the fire that you see burning out of control.
Oh, my God! That baby deer is on fire.
The poor thing! Yeah, all because some fuckin' idiot probably flicked a cigarette out his fuckin' window.
God, people are such assholes.
Have to use the hand milker on this one, Verne.
He's got a big 'un onto him.
No! I mean Yeah!
Gotta get these babies nice and clean.
We don't want you getting cavities on the last two.
All right, Scratch Bastard, you're next.
Sweet flying fuck, Scratch, what's going on with your breath, bud? Smells like you ate the arse out of a dead skunk.
campers and residents up in these hills consider this mountain lion a serious threat, and the city has issued a $500 bounty for the live capture or termination of this deadly predator.
I need me that 500.
It'll help get one of my wives out of jail.
Or maybe I'll buy a new carburetor for the truck.
I tell ya, that furry-ass cocksucker's mine.
Fuck you, you backwoods son of a bitch! The mountain lion was last spotted from a helicopter roaming the South Mountain area.
Holy fuck! That's Steve French! Don't worry, Steve, I'm coming to save you! Good kitty! Sorry about your water pressure, Marguerite.
I did the best I could.
How in the fuck am I gonna take a shower now? It's like a goddamn race horse pissing in my face.
I'll try to take a look at it again later, but I've been so friggin' busy with Mr.
Lahey gone.
Listen to me, you fucking little crotch-bobber.
You fix it today, or I swear to Christ, I will rip off that little wiener of yours and feed it to the fucking seagulls.
Marguerite, you don't gotta be like that-- -What the frig? Who-- -Oh, yeah, you like that, Randy? Why the fuck isn't my garbage picked up at my trailer? I've got two weeks of garbage sitting outside my door.
What you waiting for, rats to eat my little grandson's pecker off? Frig off, Ricky.
I can't do every friggin' thing on my own! Really, Mr.
Tit Belly.
It seems to me all you do is sit around, diddling your thumbs and diddling your cocks.
Get out of here, Ricky.
Leave me alone.
Oh, my fuck, you think you're stronger than me, penis toast? -Fuck you, you fuckin' burger weeble! -Frig off! Stop it! Frig off! I'm telling you now, get your fucking shit together or we'll all sign a fuckin'Â preetition and get you fired, you lazy grease beast.
Please, Mr.
Lahey, I need your help, buddy! Why won't you talk to me? What a trip, Randy! Mr.
Lahey! How are your breasts? Where have you been? I miss you so much.
Do you miss me, Mr.
Lahey? You bet your sweet bumkins, my little Randy Bobandy.
Let's have a party, bud.
I'd love to party with you, sir, but I just don't have the friggin' time! One little sip of each, Randy.
It won't hurt a fucking thing.
This is fucking incredible, this is Wiser's.
This is Jim Beam bourbon.
This is Fireball.
Mr.
Lahey, that's enough! Randy, you fucking spilled my liquor! I'm sorry, sir, but you're just not listening! I can't do this.
You know, I'm having enough trouble right now trying to run this park all by myself.
I try to help them but they all just think I'm a big friggin' jerk.
Randy.
You're fucking incredible.
Just fuckin' take the park, Randy! You really believe in me, Mr.
Lahey? You bet your fucking asshole, Randy.
Okay then.
Frig everyone.
I'm taking this park back! Now that's my Randy.
Okay, this is it, boys.
Steve French was last spotted in this neck of the woods, here.
Oh, yeah, here we go.
Bug-fucking pestquitos.
I hate bitey fuckin' things.
Fuck you! Jesus Christ, Bubs, what's up with the fuckin' backpack? How long do you plan on spending here? As long as it fucking takes, all right? Look, I brought a few essentials.
I brought Steve French some meat and dope, and I got my survival handbook.
Survival handbook? Could we die? We probably won't fuckin' die, but get ass-raped by a bear if you play your cards right.
We won't get ass-raped by bears.
Bears are the last of our fucking worries right now.
We gotta find Steve and we gotta keep our fuckin' eyes peeled for Samsquanches.
I brought this, boys, just in case we see one of those dirty whores.
A little bit of water, some hot pepper solution.
Squirt the cocksucker right in the eyes.
This is the only repellent we need, right here.
Fuck! Did you bring any bug-fuck-off spray, Bubs? This is driving me nuts! Yo, Kerwin the mail dude told me that if you drink piss, -it repels mosquitoes and shit.
-I'll try anything at this point.
Ricky! You don't drink it.
Fuck sakes, it says here you mix it with mud and rub the piss paste all over your body.
Perfect, let's make some fuckin' piss mud.
Fuck off.
 We're not covering ourselves in piss mud.
Suck it up, okay? Let's find this tiger and get the fuck out of here.
It's not a tiger, it's a mountain lion.
Steve French is one of the most awesome creatures on the planet, he was one of my best buds-- -Oh, you little flying crab whores! -Ricky! I had to set Steve free in the wild, where he belongs.
There's no way I'm gonna let fuckin' dirty-ass poachers anywhere near him.
Poor Steve.
Fuck! You goddamn bug bitey bastards! Pieces of shit! Jesus, Ricky, how much piss did you put on your body? You smell like a truck stop toilet.
You said to cover myself in piss, and it's not working! Yo, this is really freaky, but smelling your piss makes me have to piss.
That's not freaky, that's called piss synesthesia, Cory.
I've got something wrong too.
My guts are fucked.
Is that piss synesthesia? No, that'll be the pack of rotten hot dogs you ate, Jacob.
Oh God, why are you two so fucked in the head? Hurry up! We've got to wrap this up before it gets dark! Evening.
You boys out looking for the lion? 'Cause I got dibs on this here territory.
Yeah.
We're looking for it.
Yeah, so we can save him from fuckin' cock helmets like you.
Don't you fuckin' hurt him.
He's a special kitty and he'll be scared to death out here.
He must be special if he's worth five big 'uns.
So, if you all excuse me, I got some huntin' to do.
You stay the fuck away from him, you dirty cocksucker, I swear to fuck! Fuck you, four eyes! You fuck yourself! Holy fuck! AÂ Samsquanch got Cory and Jacob! Shit! Get it off, it's biting me, guys! Jesus Christ, Jacob, only you could fuck up taking a shit.
-What's wrong with you? -Just come on and pull it open.
I'm trying, dude, but the teeth are all the way in! Fuck, I hope it didn't get your acorns.
Oh, fuck, dudes! Bigfoot shit! Wait now, that's not Samsquanch shit, that's bear shit.
How do you know? The smell of it.
What the fuck is that? Looks like a chewed-up spring roll.
Yeah, looks like a snake's head.
Boys, if I was a gamblin' man, I'd bet the farm that that right there is Sam Losco's wiener.
-Oh, my-- -Jesus Christ! Get it the fuck away from me.
What the fuck are you talking about? Remember Sam told us a bear swiped his cock off? Well, he must've chewed on it for a while, swallowed it, and then obviously couldn't digest it, so he shit it out.
And there she is.
Dudes, when this happens you're supposed to put it on ice and get it back to the person.
I guess Sam Losco doesn't want his mangled cock back at this point.
Totally agree, Bubs.
Fuck that.
Okay, enough of this.
Let's call it a day, boys.
What? No fucking way! Bubs, it'll be dark soon, and we're dealing with cock-eating bears.
-And man, once they get a taste for it-- -We're not leaving, all right? Everything we need to know is right here in my survival manual.
We can make torches, we can sleep in piled-up leaves-- Overnight? No fucking way.
I'm not sleeping in the fucking woods, man.
Steve French is my family and I'm not going to turn my back on him.
But if you guys, my human family, feel you need to turn your back on me, then fine! You go ahead! I'll fucking see yous later! -Fuck sakes.
-All right, for fuck sakes.
Let's set up camp and get Jacob's ass stitched up.
Thanks, Julian.
You two are gonna have to stay up and be lookouts for cock-eating bears.
Okay, we got this, dude.
Boys, come on, it's going to be fun.
I'll cook us up a nice meal.
I'll show you how good it is to live off the land.
Come here, who's got your bellies? Deedle deedle.
I'm not eating fucking land.
Okay, Barb, listen up.
Everyone in this park has to start showing me some respect.
And the only way I'm gonna get that respect is if officially, 100%, you make me the trailer park supervisor.
Well, looks like this young man is riding a bit sidesaddle.
Not the best way to travel if you're on the road to respect.
You're sayin' I'm drunk? You're friggin' drunk.
Randy, this is Clont.
We met line dancing at Clodhoppers.
Syncopated grapevine.
Coaster step.
Double touch and a do-si-do.
What the frig? So, young Randy.
If it's respect you're searching for, you won't find it with what you are.
Respect can be found with who you are.
Really? I kinda like that.
Randy, why not take Clont on your rounds? He's pretty good with his hands.
Maybe you can learn a little something for once in your life.
Could be fun.
How about tomorrow, we greet the day bright and early and you and I together will fix whatever ails the people of Sunnyvale.
Okay.
Let's do it! Let's fix some friggin' shit.
It's a good attitude there, partner.
You don't have to use those cuss words though.
Fuck, how good is this fucking soup, boys? I told you eating off the land is scrump-dilly! Who wants more? I can't do it, man.
I actually feel a bit fucked up here.
-I might have to go to sleep.
-Sleep? Come on, Julian, I thought we could tell scary stories with flashlights under our chins.
No, I'm gonna have to go to bed too, something is not right.
Why does it feel like the fucking ground is breathing right now? What? Jesus.
I think I'm feeling a bit weird too, actually.
Oh, my fuck! I didn't see these red dots under here! Oh, no! Okay, boys! We might have a fucking emergency here! Oh, no! Boys, wake up! Holy fuck! Oh, my God, Datura! "A rare, hallucinogenic flower that typically produces delirium"? What have I done? Boys! Wake up! Steve? It's okay.
It's me.
It's Bubbles.
Monsieur Bubbles? Is that really you? What in the holy mother of Jesus H.
Christ? You can talk? Oui.
It is so I am to tell you that I am in a grave fucking danger.
Bubbles, I need you to save me from these dreadful men with the crazy fucking guns.
I will, Steve.
Holy fuck, I had no idea when I named you Steve French all those years ago that you'd actually speak French, or speak at all.
That's pretty fucked! Merde.
They are close.
I must quickly dash away.
No! No! Steve, come back! Save yourselves! Go! Before they suck your soul! Okay, okay, keep it together, Bubbles, you're just tripping out on flower soup.
Okay, just climb into your leaf bed and go to sleep, We will reassess reality tomorrow.
Oh, boy.
There you are, Marguerite.
Full, even pressure.
Good as new.
Wonderful, Clont.
Will we be seeing more of you around here? Well, I'm hoping that's the case.
It's been a long fucking time since I had a big piece of dark chocolate with nuts.
Can't you hear my little thing purring down there? Have a good day, Marguerite.
Sorry it took so long.
Oh, no.
No, that's not a problem.
You can snake my pipes any time, sugar ass.
Randy, little secret.
Tell people what they want to hear, and they'll give you whatever you want.
I'm telling you, I'm not crazy, boys.
I saw him and he talked to me.
Bubs, it was just a reaction from the flower soup.
I feel fucking great.
Jacob! Let's go, breakfast hash.
Jacob? Where is that piss-for-brains fuck donkey? Probably having another tandem shit with Cory.
-Cory! Jacob! Let's go! -Cory! Jacob! Oh, my God, boys.
Their clothes, all torn up.
Oh, my fuck, either a Samsquanch got them or they got their souls sucked, just like the naked guy said would happen.
Bubs, there was no naked guy.
Fuck, boys, what if that cock-eating bear got them fucked them and ate their cocks? What? Why would the bear fuck them? Same reason he'd eat their cocks.
Think about it.
Boys, enough with the cock talk okay, there's nothing to worry about.
Right, nothing to worry about, Julian.
Just backwoods lumber cocksuckers with long guns.
These aren't backwoods lumber cocksuckers, these are fucking hill-a-billies.
Well, this is it, boys.
We're finally gonna get ass-raped.
We're not gonna get ass-raped, okay? We'll talk to these guys, we'll figure this out.
Talk to them? Oh, sure.
Hill-a-billies are very easy people to reason with, Julian.
The only thing they're gonna want to talk about is whether we want it in the ass or the mouth.
Maybe they're not the ass or mouth rapey kind of hill-a-billies.
I didn't see a fuckin' banjo.
We are so getting fuckin' raped here, boys! Yep.
My fault? How in the fuck is this my fault? If we hadn't looked for Steve-fucking-French, we wouldn't be waiting to be raped by hillbillies right now, Bubs! Wait, we're gonna get raped? We're getting fuckin' raped big time! Take a look around.
What the fuck's this look like to you, a barnmitzvah? If I wasn't about to get penetrated by a hillbilly in a barn, I might take the time to point out just how ironic that word you fucked up is.
All right, who's goin' first? Can we flip a coin, sir? I think that's only fair.
Or how about this? You don't ass-rape us.
Rape ya? We ain't gonna rape ya.
We're not weirdies or nothin'.
Oh, thank Jesus-mother-and-fucking-Joseph.
Thank you! No, but we's gonna take your spunk.
What was that? We needs a new batch of penis mud from new folks.
Turns out we ain't supposed to be doin' it with our cousins so much.
-Surprise.
-Yeah! Yeah, go figure! That why we all startin' to look the same and getting a lot God dang it, what's that word I'm lookin' for? Stupider? Nope.
Dumber.
Clem, get the milker.
The milker? Yeah, so we can milk you, dummy.
Oh, my fuck.
Whoa! You're not gonna use that to milk our tits Nope, not the titties.
It's the penies we're interested in.
Except for you.
'Cause you got them messed up gawkers.
Yeah, his eyes all kind of fucked.
You're absolutely right, I can't see a fucking thing.
You definitely don't want to be milking my bird, sir.
Hang on, you don't want to milk me either.
It's pretty much pure alcohol.
Yeah, and I've got that fuckin' disease, the lemon dis-- forget what it's fuckin' called, it kills ya! How 'bout all y'all shut up or I'll shoot the bag off ole googly-eyes.
Boys, just let the man milk ya, or they're gonna shoot my bag off.
You heard the man, Clem, fire up that there milker.
-Quick, boys, think about dead puppies.
-What? So you don't get hard.
You can't get any suck torque on a limp biscuit.
Oh, fuck off! No! Get that fucking thing away from me! Jesu-- whoa! -Resist it, Ricky, resist it! -Okay! -Hold on a min, boys.
-Hey, dude, is this supposed to feel good? Yeah, no shit! Like this isn't that bad at all.
Not nearly as intense as my shop-vac.
I could get real used to this.
Used to it? Oh, God, nice if I could get high too.
It's the only thing missing.
Oh, really? How about your dignity? Hey, Clem.
How much longer is this-- this milking gonna take? Until it's all dang done, that's how long! We need a mess of your love spunk so we can have woods full of children runnin' around with good gawkers and chompers.
And some of them meaty-looking man muscles -you got there, boy.
-Get this fucking thing off me! Simmer down, ya big ape.
Eustice spotted that there wild cat in the woods.
Grab your gun.
Oh, goddamn it! Steve! He's in trouble, boys.
We gotta help him.
No, we need to get this fucking thing off my cock before it sucks my balls flat.
It doesn't really work like that, Julian.
Your science is off.
Really, Bubs? Science? How would you know? Have you ever had your cock sucked for two hours straight, huh? Steve French! You're alive.
Oh, thank God.
Shoo! Get the fuck out of here before those cross-eyed cousin fuckers come back and shoot you.
No, go, Steve, go.
Run! Dude, that's so cute.
He misses you! Wait, actually, I think he smells the pot I brought him.
Oh, is that what you want, boy? Come on and get it.
You wanna get high, Steve? What in the name of fuck are you doing, man? I'm rubbing the pot on the ropes like MacGyver would do.
Good kitty.
Chew the weed flavor off there.
Oh, my fuck, he likes weed.
Look at him go.
Good kitty, keep chewing.
He did it! Boys, I'm free! Tres bien, Steve French.
Tres bien, mon ami.
Come here, who's got your kitty belly? Bubs! For fuck sakes, untie us before those load-draining bastards come back.
-Jesus.
-Sorry, Steve and I can catch up later.
Just give me a few more minutes here, boys.
I've never shot this much in my life.
Oh, God.
-Ricky, Jesus Murphy.
-Oh, here we go.
-Ricky, fuck off.
Let's go! -Okay, I'm good.
Hoppy-up, Steve.
Come on, good kitty.
What the fuck are you doin', Julian? I'm making sure we don't become part of their fucked up gene pool.
Just don't worry, Steve.
We're gonna get you to a safe place.
He can't understand a fuckin' word you say.
He's a mountain panther.
He can understand me, Ricky.
He's a special mountain lion, he's not a panther, and he talked to me.
He didn't fucking talk to you.
Look, just drive to Billy Bastard's Bluff so we can get him somewhere safe, okay? Oh, fuck.
We've got company, boys.
Fuck, they really want to milk us bad.
They're fucking obsessed.
They're fucking gaining on us! Think I've a way to lose them, but it means jumping a fuckin' creek, boys.
No.
Fuck no, man.
I broke my neck last time! Everyone fucking relax.
I just need to go fucking faster this time.
Trust me, I will Evel Knievel the fuck out of this shit Ricky, Evel Knievel crashed more times than he made it.
Exactly.
Fuck, yeah! Holy fuck! I can't believe you fucking did it, man.
Simple math.
I can't believe you fuckers doubted me.
Hey, look, those cross-eyed dudes didn't jump.
Fuck you, you pussies! Yeah, fuck you, dickheads! Milk this, you fuckin' hill-a-billies! Ah, shit, get the fuck going, boys! Hey, Barb.
Randy, you are all sweaty.
That's work sweat, Barb, not my normal body sweat.
I fixed everything in the park.
Properly.
For the first time in my life, I'm proud of my work, and the sweat on my body.
So I think I proved and I deserve the trailer park supervisor job.
Well, Clont says he was disappointed in your work.
What? Clont was there.
He saw me working hard.
What the frig, Clont? I saw what I saw.
And you ain't ready for a raise yet, boy.
And that's good enough for me.
He's a real man's man, Randy.
He knows what good work is when he sees it.
And he hasn't seen it yet.
Oh, and Randy, go take a shower.
You friggin' knew that I did the work, friggin' bastard! Tell her! You don't need to impress her anymore, dummy, you need to impress me.
And I ain't impressed.
I run the show now and this face is gonna be around for a long-ass motherfucking time.
There's a new sheriff in town, boy.
Oh, my God, it's the cowboy Boba Fett.
And he's after Steve.
What are we gonna do here, boys? Bubs, calm down.
Keep the hill lion hidden.
I'll fuckin' take care of this.
Hey, how the fuck are you doing? Would you hide him? I'm trying.
He's a cat.
He's curious.
It's in his nature.
What the fuck is Ricky saying? Oh, I can read lips, dude.
Ricky just said "cheese, moon penis.
" The other guy is sayin' "nipples, turnip, beach ball.
" What do they mean? They didn't say any of that shit.
Hey Cory, read my lips.
You're a fucking idiot.
Way to go, Ricky! How the fuck did you get rid of him? Told him we never seen Steve French, but I knew who fucking did.
The hill-a-billies.
-That's a good one.
-Decent.
-Very smart.
-Good thinking, Ricky.
Oh, dude, did you warn him the hill-a-billies might try -to steal his load? -No, I didn't, ass-for-brains.
That's the whole fucking point.
Oh, yeah.
You still don't get it, do you? Yeah, I do.
Get what? Boys, I'm gonna need a minute to say goodbye to Steve.
Sure, buddy.
Okay, Steve, you'll be safe here from all those asshole bounty hunters.
I guess this is it, though.
Listen, the other night at the campfire, did you talk to me? A wink! Decent.
You okay, man? Yeah, I'm all right.
We saved Steve French, that's the main thing, I couldn't have done it without you guys.
We did a good thing today, boys.
Still no word on how it started, but experts say it will take decades to repair the damage to the ecosystem from the fire that you see burning out of control.
Oh, my God! That baby deer is on fire.
The poor thing! Yeah, all because some fuckin' idiot probably flicked a cigarette out his fuckin' window.
God, people are such assholes.
Have to use the hand milker on this one, Verne.
He's got a big 'un onto him.
No! I mean Yeah!