Trailer Park Boys: The Animated Series (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

The Three Mustardteers

1 Aw, man.
This hash Reggie gave me smells amazing.
Smell that! Check this cocksucker out, boys! Pizza loaf and hash night is officially underway! -Fuckin' right! -Oh, yeah, look at that meaty slut! Fuckin' right, baby.
Deep dish! Careful, Ricky, it's hot as the hinges of hell! There you go, wash it down with some smoke.
Holy fuck, boys.
I think this is like old-school fuckin' hash.
Like hash before the bikers got it and started cutting it, like real shit.
Jesus Christ, I think you're right, man.
It is.
This is like the hash I smoked with the old man when I was eight when we went fishing.
First hash I ever smoked.
That's not the first time you smoked hash, Rick.
The first time you smoked it with me at the arcade.
No, it wasn't.
It was.
Remember, you pickpocket that suit dummy? We found a fuckin' joint in his cigarette pack.
We smoked it, we got really fucked up? Remember how high we got that day? Oh, fuck yeah, I do.
You're right, man! That day was awesome! -Of course I am.
-You guys are both so fucked.
And you're both wrong, by the way.
First time we smoked hash was way before that.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was the first day of grade two.
Man, grades two is ways fuckin' hardlier than the grade one.
We didn't even do anything today, Ricky.
Today was the first day.
Well, it was the last.
Fucks the grades two.
Seriously, what are you doing? Don't throw away your books.
Haves ta.
Fuck them bookles.
Bookles is the dumbliest fuckin' things ever invented in the histories of peoples.
You're not dropping out of grade two, Ricky, suck it up.
Whys not? I'm as smartly as I needs to be.
Looks at me.
Look at that fuckin' spazzes, Julian.
Hey! How's the stupid nerdin' going, nerdy? Buzz off, Ricky, leave him alone.
Whys? You likes googly-eyes fuckin' spazzy nerdses now, does ya? No, I don't, but I think that kid lives in the park.
Oh, fuck, here we go.
Jason Fucknel's about to kick ass.
Bring it ons.
We gets to sees a fuckin' pawns fight.
Fucknel'll kick his fuckin' asses.
Decent! Look who was too much of a pussy to show up for school today.
Lunch money, now! And hand over that fuckin' bag.
It's mine.
Leave me alone, Jason.
I found the back, fair and square.
Finders keepers.
And it's not yours! It says "Ricky" on it, right there.
Are you talking back to me, you ugly four-eyed bitch? Lunch money, now! I'm sorry, I don't have any lunch money, but look, I'll-- I'll make you peanut butter and crackers tomorrow.
How's that sound? Lots of fuckin' peanut butter too, loser.
And I like root beer.
Okay, there you go! Root beer! Let me just mark that down.
That's good to know for future reference.
Fuck off, shitrat! Hey! That was a prick job.
Not nice.
You gonna take a swing at me, nerd? No, I'm not gonna do that.
I just-- Just don't touch my kitties, please.
Yours? Why, these are just shitty old  dumpster cats! They're not shitty old anything! They're my best friends.
Friends? Want to meet my friend? My fuckin' pellet gun, bud! Wanna see what my friend can do to your fuckin' friend? Please, fuckin' stop! Don't hurt my kitties! Okay, maybe I'll shoot you, then! Leave him alone, Fucknel.
Well, look who it is, the fuckin' fruit brigade.
And it's Rucknel, asshole.
What did you says? You wants to fucks me in an assholes? Fuck you, chunky! Ah, fuck! I'm shot! This isn't over, you cat-loving nerd! Shit, are you okay, bud? I can'ts believes I got shots because of a fuckin' nerd.
-What about you? -Yeah.
Yeah, I'm all right.
Thanks for saving me there, guys.
My God, I can't believe he shot ya.
Yeah, no's fuckin' kidding.
I knows one things.
I ain't nevers getting no shots again.
It fuckin' hurts a lot.
Well, thanks guys.
That was really nice, what you did for me there.
  What's your name, kid? It's Bubbles.
I'm Julian, this is Ricky.
Ricky? Oh, here, this must be yours.
I found it in the pond.
Yes, but I don't needs it no mores, so I throws it away.
Take your fuckin' backpack.
You're not quitting school in grade two.
Let the nerds keeps it.
 Bookles is for fuckin' nerds.
Fuck bookles.
Fuck, it wouldn't hurt, you know, if you read one book.
If there's one in there on grammar, I'd start with that.
What's the fucks is a grammars? Okay, well, I'll see you guys later, yes? See ya, spaz.
Hey, you live on Bonnyview Drive, right? The blue trailer? Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
What's it to you? Wanna walk back to the park with us? What? I never walked anywhere with cool guys before.
-Yeah, I bettin' not.
-Come on.
We're all going the same way.
So Bubbles, do you have any hot sisters? No, I live with my mom and dad,  except they haven't been home in 37 days, so I just kinda  been on my own, you know? Biggin' deals, Mr.
Numbers Smartly.
My dad gets driving aways in his rigs alls over the worlds, I gets to dealin' with it on my own.
No offense, but I'm having   a little trouble understanding you.
That's becauses I don't speaks the nerd! Ricky, come on.
That's not nice.
No, it's okay, I'm used to it.
So how was your first day of school, man? I didn't I didn't go.
You know, that Jason guy's been pushing me around and he told me I'd have to give him my lunch money every day, so it's probably best if I just stay at home and read books on my own.
He loves the bookles.
If you loves bookles so much, why don't you fuckin' marry them, nerd? Julian! Hi, boys.
How you doing? Great! Just heading downs to the fuck-off lanes there, actually, Lahey, but it looks like yous two assholes beat us to it.
That's enough, Ricky.
We had a report of someone waving  a pellet gun around, shooting cats, and he may have shot a kid.
You guys know anything about that? -No's ideas.
-Never saw a thing.
Nothing.
Want a lift home?  I'ds rather lifts a piece of dog shits to my face.
Ricky, come on.
No thanks, Mr.
Lahey.
We're good.
Thank you.
Fucks you too'in, dickheads! Oh, my God, you talk to the police like that? Yeah, pretty cool, huh? How the fuck are you 'posed to talk to them? Polices are the dumb.
How come you guys lied to them? Why would you protect that Jason guy? He shot you.
Snitches gets bitches, dummy.
No, it's "snitches get stitches.
" Look, kid, sometimes you just gotta take care of shit on your own.
-Remember that.
-Okay.
Well, this is it.
Thanks for walking me home, guys.
No's problems, nerdie.
Yeah.
Maybe we'll see you around.
Well, yeah, Julian might.
Well, I hope so.
Wait! Stop! That's my trailer! My God, what's going on? Why are you taking my home? Sorry, kid.
Your parents haven't paid the bills.
I'm just doing my job.
Oh, my parents aren't here, but I'm pretty sure they'll be back soon.
I hope they have money somewhere, they do.
Well, until they do Man, that sucks.
Well, let's go eat.
-I'll go gets a smoke, too.
-You coming? If you guys'll have me, I will.
What the fucks, Julian? It's the Two Mustardteers, not the Three Mustardteers.
Look, not to contradict you, but the classic story did in fact  have three people in it.
Ricky, the guy just lost his fuckin' home.
Fine, but it's onlys for todays, right? I hope nobody get sees us.
-No way! Your dad bought more rum! -Yeah.
But he told me not to gets it touched, so tops it up with water when yous gets done.
Oh, man, that bites the throat.
Hey, why don't you just  put some of the rum in a glass, add some cola, maybe put some ice on it to cool it off?  That might be easier on the throat.
Know what? That might just work.
Here, remembering this? Your dads left this heres a couple years ago when he was drunk.
Oh, my God.
That's my dad's glass.
No way.
Thanks, buddy! Okay, three seconds of rum should do it.
Couple seconds of mix.
All right.
Couple cubes.
Little shake.
Perfection.
Oh, my fuck.
That is the best thing  I've ever put in my mouth.
So you drink and you smoke? Yeah, don'ts you? Oh, yeah, forgots.
Yous a nerd.
Come on, man.
So what do you guys wanna do? We could looks for the key to my dad's locker box.
Has to be ins here somewheres.
I've never been able to gets it found and never seed what's inside it.
I knows for sure there's skin mags.
I seen my dad putting them in it one time.
No way.
Skin mags? I'd love to see some big hooters.
Oh, Jesus, it's just a cheap common old ward lock.
They've been around forever.
If you guys got a paper clip, I can pop that thing open.
No shittin' on me's.
Yous serious? Thinks yous can open it? You pick up a lot of hobbies when you have no friends.
I mean, I have friends, they're just furry.
I tells yous what.
Yous breaks into it, yous gets first pick of the titty mags.
No's fuckin' ways! Jackpot.
Look at the size of those jugs! My God.
And what's here's this brown chunky shit? Is this the chocolates's? Maybe yous gets to puts it in my dad's pipey thing like some Potporeye.
Like who? Boys, I think I like boobies.
Yeah, no shit, and I like the hairy ginnies too.
Oh, yous is the fuckin' kid, Bubbles.
I ain't sure but gettin' know what the hell's in this pipey thing but it tastes delicious and it's making me feel fuckin' amazingly.
You have to get tried on this here, boys.
Come on, you lame-o flamos.
Come join up with me here in this happiest place! -Oh, it's so happiest! -Right, hand it over.
Whoa, whoa.
That's different, man.
I've never felt like this before.
Holy fuck.
Wow, checker this'n out.
Real gun, boys.
And it's loaded too.
Fuck.
Tope, pipey things, jugs, loaded-erd handguns.
The old man is the cooliest ever person.
Get that thing away from me.
I'm just gonna stick to the booze.
I'm fucked.
Yeah, I'm good too.
What was that now? Jesus Murphy.
I think my heart's racing.
Should we go to the hospital, boys? Maybe that was poison.
Yous is fine, Bubbles.
Just get rhyme with it, it's awesome.
I thinks I likes-er it.
I likes-er it a lots, ackally.
-"Ackally.
" -"Ackally.
" I like the way you talk, Ricky.
I likes the way yous  does your talking too, Bubbler.
-Listen.
What's that? -What's what? What the fucks is the what? Talk? It's when you does your speakles.
"Speakles.
" Speakles? No, listen.
Wait, listen.
What's that sound? I don't hear shit, man.
You okay? I don't know.
Am I? I don't think they's any sounds.
We's gottener the funny heads from the piper.
-Sh, listen! -What? Oh, my God, that's one of my kitties! And that's a pain meow! Oh, my God, Luke Skywhiskers! Poor Luke! What happened to your leg, boy? Effin' Jason! That bastard shot my kitty with his pellet gun.
What did me and my kitties ever do to him? Why won't he leave us alone? Because he's a fucking dick, that's why.
We gotta get this cat to a vet right now.
He's bones coulda gotten crackled.
He's lucky he didn't get his caught in his eyes.
Would you shut up? Oh, baby Jesus.
Do you think Luke Skywhiskers could die, boys? -Let's get him to the vet.
-Who's drivening? -Driving? -This is a 'mergency, isn't it not'n'? Grandma's watching her fucking stories.
Let's take her car.
Okay then! Use this one to get press the gas and the brake.
-And get this stuff throwed on ya.
-Nice going.
Perfect, man.
Boys, look, we can make it there on foot in 15 minutes.
Driving's dangerous.
Fuck that.
No kitty's dying on my watch, bud.
Yous got some fuckin' problem, Dork and Mindy? -Good luck, man.
-You guys aren't coming in with me? No, we have to We gotta go siphon some gas to top up this tank so we don't get caught.
We'll be back in ten minutes.
My God, you're gonna be okay, little buddy.
You use the kitty force.
Use the kitty force.
Shouldn't we goes ins with him? Nerds does cries a lot.
He looks like he might pisses his pants too.
We can't, man.
We got shit to take care of.
And I got a plan.
That's he's right there.
-Little penis mouther.
-Yep, I see him.
Let go! Not so tough without your pretend gun, are ya? Listen to us, you dickhead.
  You gets listen to us or maybe you gets dead, frogbag-looking cootie-face! Okay, okay, fuckin' calm down! Don't shoot me! That thing is actually pretty powerful.
Goes straight through plywood.
Here's what'll happen, dickweed.
You shot our friend's cat, so he gets to kick the shit out of you and don't fight back.
Yeah, I don't fuckin' think so.
Cats are fuckin' garbage.
You lay a hand on me, you'll have to deal with my cousin as soon as he's out of juvie.
Yeah? Who's your cousin? His name's Cyrus, and he doesn't give a fuck who you are.
Yeah, he sounds like a dick.
You take a fall, or we'll be your worst fuckin' nightmare -for the rest of your life.
-Yeah, poopereater! -Fuck off! -Really? You want us to fuck off? Well, Ricky, what did you say you'd like to do to him? Put one right up his pisshole, man.
-I does love her too.
-He told us to fuck off.
Do it! No! Okay.
Okay, I'll do it.
Thought you might see it that way, asshole.
Be all back at the King of Donair, 20 minutes.
There you go, kid.
Just rub this on the stitches twice a day to stop it getting infected.
-Thank you, Dr.
Losco.
-Oh, please, call me Sam.
I'm not a doctor yet.
Three more years.
But I got my fingers crossed, hoping to have my own vet practice one day.
Helping people, helping animals.
That's what it's all about, isn't it? Is there some sort of payment plan  I could do with you guys? I'm kind of waiting for my parents to return home from an extended vacation.
No charge.
You seem like a nice kid.
What goes around comes around.
  Remember that always, kid.
Sure will, sir.
How'd it go, man? Unbelievable, actually.
What a nice, sweet man.
Didn't even charge me.
-Ha, ain't that'n cool.
-Got some good news for you, buddy.
We saw that Fucknel bastard hanging out at the King of Donair.
Yeah, man, all by hisselfs, too.
It's time you stopped being pushed around.
Stand up to this idiot, man, show him you won't fuckin' take any more shit off him.
What? I can't do that, I'm not a fighter.
I never been in a fight in my life.
Here, punch my hand.
Come on, harder.
Use your anger.
Yeah, just like that.
You know, that's all you gotta do.
Just gotta fucking connect  to his jaw or nose and he'll drop like a sack of shit, man.
I don't know, boys.
What if he hits me? It'll hurt.
Doesn't hurts much.
I've got hits lots of times.
Do it for them kitties if nothing else.
For the kitties.
Hey, look, it's the fuckin' cat nerd! Julian, maybe we can talk it out with him, give him a stern warning maybe.
No, man.
Go on, Bubs.
Remember what I said about the hand.
You got this, champ.
He shots yous fuckin' cat, man.
-Gets in the mad.
-Yeah, get mad! -Come on! -Don't know, boys.
All right, what you did to my cat was not cool! Fuck your fuckin' cats, and fuck you, Mr.
Magoof! Don't take that shit off him, Bubs.
I'm not! You fuck with my kitties, asshole, you fuck with me! It's going down! Get ready for a beat-down, Cuban assassin style! -Yeah! -Look for an opening, man! -You got this! -Come on! Yeah! -Holy fuck, I did it! -Nice one! Take that, asshole! Now, boys! Jesus Christ.
It's the White Bridge Gang.
We's is fuckered.
-You guys are dead! -Dead! I got dibs on the gold chain! What the hell is going on here? We had a deal, asshole! Deal? What do I fuckin' look like, Monty Hall? Deal? What deal? This ass-clamper's supposed to get taken a dive when he gotten cracked and he didn't get doing it.
Julian got in a fucked-up plan.
Nice goereth, Julian.
This was your plan, Julian? -You were gonna get him to take a dive? -Yep.
He's fault, totally.
Easy, man, this is my first plan, okay? What the fuck do I know about making plans? I'll work on it, all right? That might be the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.
Holy shit, you guys are fucked! Is everyone else in Sunnyvale fucked like you fuckin' dirtbags? Fucks yous all.
It's on, asstards.
Bring it, you fuckin' white trash twat.
-You're dead!  -Get 'em! He fuckin' gobbed on ya! Come on, pussy! Take that! Take that, asshole! -Don't even think about it! -Run! Up against the car, you little bastards! All of ya! Nice try, Fucknel.
I'll catch up with your White Bridge buddies later.
What the fuck is going on here? Please, officer, I didn't do anything! It was these guys! They were-- Hey, I'll got handlin' this.
We's was helping this guy collects the butter moss for he's pet lizard, and these other guys comes alongs and gots an offer to gettin' a helpin' and we's just gotten banging in other -and each other and then the-- -Ricky, stop.
Ricky, stop talking.
-What the fuck is that? -Smells like liquor to me.
-It is, it's rum.
-We're high, too.
What's really going on here? Julian? These assholes were picking on the guy  with glasses, Bubbles, bullying him.
We stepped in to back him up, these dickheads showed up, kicked the shit out of us, that's what happened.
Underage drinking, huh?  Well, we can't let that go.
Fuck off, George.
-But Jim-- -I'm running this operation, based purely on seniority.
Getting free of the grip of alcoholism, probably one of the hardest things a man can do.
But I've done it.
Listen up, Lahey, that dick there came to the park  and shot one of Bubbles' cats -with his pellet gun.
-Goddamn shit-weasel.
Hand over the weapon, son.
I don't have any weapons! Jim.
He's pissing himself.
That's enough.
Fuck off! Holy fucks, a double-streamer! I didn't mean to hit the cat, I swear to God! I-- I just wanted to scare it.
It's payback time, Bubbles.
What? Are you sure about this, officer? I've never been more sure about anything in my life.
I can't do it.
You can do it, boy.
Holy shit, Jim, this is insane.
Is that right, George? Fuck off! Well, we's can't get passing this up.
Gives it to me.
I think that went in my pisshole! -Nice! -Oh, my Jesus! Oh, my fuckin' God! Okay, well, look,  he pissed himself, boys, twice, and he has a pellet lodged in his wiener.
I guess we're even.
I ain't sures if they're cookered or not but the old man says these taker the swellings down.
Oh, my gettin' fuckin', that hurters! What? Yeah, nothing better on a shiner than a plate of piping-hot peas.
Thanks, Ricky.
You know what? I'm gonna start pumping iron tomorrow.
I'll work out every fucking day, get as big as Arnold Schwarzenegger, then no one's ever gonna fuckin' kick the shit out of us again.
My dad says muscles is stupid.
I thinks I's just gonna starts carrying a gun.
Anyway, thanks, boys.
It's been really nice.
I'm gonna go get checking on where I can stay, I guess.
I've seen people living under the bridge.
That might not be too bad, or maybe an abandoned car for now.
You can't get lived in a car, that's fucked.
No's friends of ours is gonna get lived in a fucking car.
That's right.
Look, you wait here, I've got an idea.
Ricky, come on.
Where are you taking me, boys? Okay, ready, Bubs? Prepares to get the shits in the pants, buddy.
Decent! Aw, decent! What do you think, man? Decent! You like it? I love it, boys! It's perfect! My grandmother said you can stay as long as you need, man.
Thanks, guys.
Probably only be here a couple days, though, like a week, tops.
Stay as long as you want to, man.
-We're here for you.
-Yeah, man.
Rick, are you crying? No! Just a lady-bugger thingy, he got flowed by an' he gotten her scraper on the-- my's eyes-balls with his wingers, and whatever.
You guys wanna gettin' a higher on the hash again or what? I remember that day like it was yesterday.
I still can't get over how you talked back then, Ricky.
You were fucked.
Sounded like you were having a stroke.
Nobody around to get me learned! -I got it figured out eventually.
-Yeah.
Maybe.
Hey, we should do some hot knife, celebrate that day, -the first time we smoked hash.
-Wasn't just the first time we smoked hash, Ricky.
That day was also when we officially  became a family.
Fuck sakes, Ricky! Holy fuck, that's good hash.