Trailer Park Boys: The Animated Series (2019) s01e10 Episode Script
Trailerstock
1 Oh, goddammit.
It's fuckin' sad what Hurricane Ricky did to our homeses.
Only a week to get the money before Barb and that dick Clont turn it into a fuckin' cattle ranch.
But Julian and I have a plan.
Mostly I did.
I'm smarter than Julian.
But if we can do it the way I thinks, we'll have enough money to save the park and some.
I don't like to call myself a fuckin' genius, but, if the suit fits, then-- Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck, my ass! Fuck, my ass! -Oh, my God! Dad, are you okay? -Oh, God, that fuckin' stings.
-Wow! -Ricky, what the fuck happened? Just a little fall off the trailer.
No big deal, guys.
Shit, Ricky, did you break anything? No, I don't think I did.
Trin, you're gonna have to take Mo in the trailer for a second.
Yeah, sure.
What's going on, Ricky? What's that weird look on your face? Fuck, Bubs.
Not sure exactly what's going on here, but I got a major problem with my ass.
Look.
Jesus Murphy! Oh, my God, Ricky! How did you do that? Alright, boys, let's get moving.
Julian, slight problem, buddy.
  -Fuck.
-Jesus Christ.
How the fuck did you manage that? Donât think it matters how he managed it, does it? Fuckin' stings, boys.
Hold still, Ricky.
-If I pull on it at just the right angle-- -No, no! Okay! -Holy fuck, there's a bell in there! -Oh, fuck! Oh, my God! We're must get you to a hospital! We don't have time for fuckin' hospital! The truck's here any minute now! You hear that ringing in his arse? I'm not going anywhere with a bike in my ass.
That's not fuckin' happening.
Just hold still, Ricky.
Jesus Christ! Don't fuckin'Â pull on it without warning me! Okay, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, she's really jammed in there good.
-It's like a fish hook! -Guys, we don't have time.
Bubs, cut the fuckin' thing off with a hacksaw.
Deal with it later.
What the fuck? Leave it in there? Well, we don't have any choice! We got one fuckin' shot here, Ricky! Okay, well, step into my office then, I guess, Ricky.
Oh, my God, this is so fucked.
Fuck! Dudes, this may be the best invention ever invented of all inventions.
What the fuck are you on about, Cory? The box, dudes.
Whoever came up with this was fuckin' ridiculous, man.
-All shapes and sizes.
-Yeah, they're really cool.
Like bags, but square.
Think the guy who invented the box invented cardboard too? I have no idea, dude.
All I know is it's brilliant.
It's so simple.
Four sides.
Poof.
The box.
Well, it has six, actually, doesn't it? No, you're counting the top and bottom, dude, -that's not the sides.
-What if you turn it on its side? You can't put shit through the sides.
The box has four sides.
I don't know, dude, it's just cool.
Holy fuck, would you two idiots stop talking? Just shut the fuck up! Your level of dumbness is inconcrete-hensible.
Hey, Barb, Clont.
Beautiful day.
Wait, Barb, done something with your hair? You look younger.
 It looks really nice.
Oh, Clont colored it for me.
I went a couple shades lighter.
Thanks, Julian.
Looks like you guys finally came to your senses.
I see you're packing your stuff up.
No, we're not packing up.
I came up with a new business idea.
We'll have enough money to fix up the park now.
You're looking at the next big franchise idea here.
Over the years, Ricky and I made good business relationships with some prison guards.
And now, because of new restrictions and cutbacks, those poor fuckers are having a hard time making extra cash.
Until now.
I came up with a flawless plan.
Instead of sneaking in small amounts of drugs and liquor, you know, up their asses or vaginas and stuff, which is very high risk, we'll sneak in a whole year's supply at once.
A one-shot deal.
Big Hawk agreed to front all the booze, Reggie fronted Ricky all the weed, zero start-up capital needed.
This is fuckin' perfect.
Well, it's not really fuckin' perfect.
Cocksuckers insisted on pre-rolls.
Know how long it takes to roll 10,000 fuckin' joints? You pretty much need a robot to fuckin' do it.
But I did it.
Thank fuck I had help.
Holy fuck, he can put in filters.
Best I've ever seen.
That kid's got a bright fuckin' future, I'm telling ya.
There's an old saying there, son.
If it smells like horse shit, looks like horse shit and tastes like horse shit, there's a good goddamn chance it is horse shit.
And if cops become involved in any way, I don't care how successful you are, son, your money won't be any good to us.
Hope you guys come up with the money, and believe me, I'll watch out for the fuzz for you.
We're not doing anything illegal.
I'm just saying, if you guys are doing anything, illegal or not, and you need help, I'm here for you, 100%.
Perfect.
Slapping you on the gut illegal, Randy? Or the ass? Frig off, Ricky! I just wanna help! You are helping, Randy.
 Exactly what I want to be doing right now.
Thanks! -Ricky! -All right, that's enough.
-Stop fuckin' around.
Give me that.
-His fault.
-He fuckin' asked how to help-- -Rick, enough! Party pooper.
Hey, boys! The kitties are all mud-washed, groomed, and calmed down.
Thank fuck I didn't lose any in the storm.
They're all accounted for.
Where are we all gonna go? I have nobody.
You'll have someone once those twins get born.
Ricky! Don't be poking at his food baby.
Look, Randy, I mean you got us, bud.
As much as it might not seem like it most of the time, you are family to us.
Really, guys? Well, more those two than me, but yeah, I guess.
Fuck it.
Randy, if you really wanna help out, think of ways of making some money.
Legit money.
Everything by the book.
No fucking gray areas, right, boys? Right? I'm not sure what painting gray things is all about, but yeah, sure, man, everything legit, I guess.
Okay, put your hands in.
One, two, three Ah, fuck! What the hell do you guys want? What the hell are you doing? Shouldn't you be in the south tower jerking off to pigeons or shit? Where the fuck's Louis? We've got business.
-He's retired.
-What? What the fuck are you on about, retired? Him and six other lucky whorebags had the winning numbers on the Lotto 649.
Now I'm stuck in this fucking sweatbox while he's getting blowjobs in the back seat of a limo.
Well, today's your lucky day then, fuckface.
Open the gate and you get Luscious Louis' cut.
No can do.
Teddy, it's a one-shot deal, man! How many times have you guys been in here? I'll tell ya.
Twenty-seven times during my career.
My career is coming to an end.
I wouldn't bet a dime on you two morons for anything.
Especially my pension.
I'll show you a dime, you old hairy-eared fuckin' piece of moose shit.
-How about this? -Don't pull a gun! -Fuck this! -To get into jail, you idiot.
Let's go! Give me a fuckin' break.
Everyone here knows you're afraid of guns.
Look at ya.
Treble a bit more, ya fuckin' loser.
Sorry for the confusion, Teddy.
We won't be back.
-This is bullshit! -See you in a few, dickheads! Fuck you, Teddy! Julian was trying to get me to come in with them on a "secret operation," said it was all legit.
Yeah, Rickyâs twitchy eyes told me a different story.
Good luck to them.
I'd rather do it the old-fashioned way and do it on my own.
Puttin' on a little concert.
It's gonna be a bake sale, karaoke, maybe get some puppets going.
And then, the big draw of the day: Bubbles and the Shit Rockers are gonna headline it.
Iâm thinking we'll get upwards of a hundred people.
Best thing is, itâs 100% grease free! I guess we can try and sell whatever we can at Bubbles' concert.
-Don't know how well that'll go.
-Not.
He'll be lucky if fuckin' ten people show up.
We need to think bigger here, man.
Why not go to an April Wine concert, sell it there? -That would fuckin' rock.
-That would fuckin' rock.
Hang on.
What if we got somebody bigger to play Bubs' concert? 1,000 people at ten bucks a head, that would be 10,000 bucks.
Then throw the fuckin' liquor and weed sales on top of that? -We'd make a fortune, man.
-Yeah, 1,000 tickets, though.
How in the fuck will we do that? We'd need someone as big as Helix for those fuckin' numbers.
-Okay, let's book 'em then.
-Yeah, okay, bud.
How you plan on doing that? Helix are globally massive huge rock stars.
You don't just call guys like that on the fuckin' phone.
Hi, I'm looking speak to someone from Helix.
Oh, hey, man, how's it going? I just googled it and your number came up.
You're shitting-- give me the fuckin' phone.
Hello? Who's this? Yeah, okay, bud.
Finish this line, then.
"Gimme an--" Oh my fuck.
It is you.
Brian fuckin' Vollmer.
You kidding me, man? -Give me the fuckin' phone! -How's it go-- give it back! Sorry about my friend, his head's fucked.
-Listen-- -Tell him I love him.
Just a second.
I got a question for ya.
What in the fuck are you talking about? Helix? Like "Gimme a fuckin' R" Helix? -R! -I just booked 'em for Trailerstock, man.
Trailerstock? Julian, I just wanna have a little concert, like a little nice family day.
Bubs, a nice little family day won't make us jack shit.
We need serious money here.
Fuck, we gotta print tickets.
Can you do it? Hang the fuck on! Print tickets? You're not just taking over my fuckin' concert here, bud.
Bubs, it's a good idea.
It could end up being bigger than fuckin' Bernie-man or Woodenstock.
It was Woodstock, Ricky.
You know how fuckin' long it took to pull that together? It would've taken months! An no offense, but Helix aren't exactly Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, or Jimi fuckin' Hendrix! Let's fuckin' book them, then.
-Book who? -Mashman, Stillby, and the Jimi guy.
Ricky, do you-- You know what? Fuck this! Fuck this! I'm just gonna take the stage down, there's no concert, how's that sound? Okay, we'll have no concert, then.
Let's not even try, Bubs, all right? Next week, we'll be fuckin' living at a cattle ranch, smelling like cow shit.
Fuck it.
I'm off to a bar to get drunk.
-All right, let's get drunk then.
Fuck it.
-Just wait! Hang the fuck on! All right, Helix can fuckin' play, but I'll tell you right now, Bubbles and the Shit Rockers are still the headliner.
I was actually really skeptical about how we could pull this off at first, but the generosity we've been seeing from the community over the past few days, it's just unbelievable.
The local hardware store, they donated all the building materials we needed for the stage.
Jacob and Cory were able to get a beautiful sound system and a big light show, all donated from a local non-profit organization.
A major food vendor stepped up to the plate to help us out, out of the goodness of their heart.
it's amazing what can be accomplished when giving is what's in people's hearts.
I'm starting to believe this could be a massive concert that goes down in history as maybe one of the biggest and best ever.
I mean, maybe not Woodstock, but I mean, who knows? Okay, boys, PA's all wired up and it fuckin' pounds! We're ready to blow the fuckin' roof off this place.
Right on, you sexy prick.
Let's fuckin' do it, boys.
Come on! Dudes, there's no roof, right? It's a figure of speech, Cory, you stupid bastard.
All right Randy-bo-bandy, open the gates, buddy.
Copy that, Julian.
Opening the gates, over.
Come right in, folks.
Welcome to Trailerstock.
Don't rush.
No pushing, please.
There's no outside food or booze allowed.
Once you're in, you're in.
No re-entry.
Everyone got it? Hey, where do we get a refund? Sorry, Ed, no refunds.
Why aren't you coming in, though? -This'll be the concert of the year.
-Yeah, I don't think so.
We want our money back to buy dope for this.
This is the concert of the year, dumb-ass.
What the frig is this? Fuck, yeah! -Playing Halifax tonight! -Tonight? Holy Frank! Julian! Where are you? We have a major friggin' situation here! Bubbles, how in the fuck did you not know this was tonight? What is it? Oh my fuck! -It's a big fuck-up, bud.
We're sunk.
-This is my fuckin' fault, is it? -It is! -You could've checked the upcoming events -just as easily as me, bud.
-What is it? Fuck! What are we gonna do now? Nobody's gonna come to this fuckin' thing if those dicks are playing over the fuckin' bridge.
Okay, I got an idea.
Bubbles, get the Shit Rockers on stage, entertain the fuckin' people there, get them to call some friends.
I'm the headliner, Julian.
Headliners don't go on in the fuckin' afternoon.
Yeah, shit's changed.
Get the fuck on stage, please.
Cory, Jacob, keep pushing booze and dope.
-Ricky, come with me.
-Wait, what are you gonna do? Don't worry, just get the fuck on stage! Don't fuckin' boss me! You've just been bossed! Get up there! Where the fuck are we headed, man? The Metro Center.
No way.
You got tickets to the fuckin' show? That's awesome.
I do love Queens of Stone Age, but I am not fuckin' missing Helix.
You kidding me? Ricky, we're not going to the concert to watch them, dumbass.
Fuck, man, if those guys play tonight, Sunnyvale is done.
My name is Jacob, I don't wear makeup I got a little weed So let's have a bake-up That's my whole story Back to you, Cory Oh, the ground is hard And the sky is soft Animals are furry And the trees are not I don't like water It ain't got a taste I don't like the treble 'Cause I only love bass Ow, stop throwing shit! That's not nice.
What the fuck are you idiots even saying? This is fucked! Yeah, we're trying our best here.
Fuckin' Jesus Christ! Okay, we're done.
That's it.
You-- Don't ask for us back.
-Let's go.
-Get off the fuckin' stage! Jesus Christ, boys, is that the best you could do for real? Sorry, I can't help people that don't understand beats.
Man, rock fans are stupid.
Oh, thank Mother Mary's perky tits! -It's Helix! -Wow, check it out.
Real rock stars.
Look at the leather.
Hi there.
My name's Bubbles.
I'm the frontman for Bubbles and the Shit Rockers.
Kinda running the show here today.
We're the headliners or, I guess, co-headliner, if you wanna call it that.
How you guys doing? Fuckin' fantastic, Bubbles.
I love these big outdoor concerts.
Well, that's great.
Look, the crowd's a bit rowdy, better get out there before they start rioting.
Good luck to ya.
I'm looking forward to hearing you.
I've heard great things about your band.
Right, that's funny.
We're fuckin' Helix, man.
We don't play for 75 fucking people.
We have millions of fans.
Once they start showing up, then we go on.
What are you on about? Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do now, then? The crowd's fuckin' losing it.
I thought you guys were gonna save the day.
Don't know what to tell you.
Where's our dressing room? Oh, for fuck sakes! Thanks, guys! Thanks, Helix! Fuckin' assholes.
This is great.
God damn rock stars.
Okay, how's everybody doing now? You fuckin' savs! Get outta here! I guess me and the Shit Rockers are gonna do one more set for ya.
Please, don't, you're killing my ears! Here's one you might have heard from a fella named Johnny Cash.
-We heard it three fuckin' times already! -One, two, one, two, three, four! Hello! Mr.
Peterson here just to fix the pipes! Whoa.
Who in the fuckhead are you guys? And how'd you get in here exactly? Take it easy there, you tall fuck.
Guys, chill out.
How's it going man? I'm Julian.
-Just want a minute of your time.
-Fuck out of our dressing room.
Troy, call our exorbitantly expensive and unnecessarily large security detail, please.
No, relax, guys.
Look, I'm a local entrepreneur.
I've an opportunity for you to make a shit ton of money.
Look, ding-dong, we already have a huge pile of cash.
But you can never have enough tax-free money, right? Here's what I'm proposing.
We got a huge outdoor concert tonight and because of your show, we're totally fucked.
-Everybody came here instead.
-I'm sure they did.
Know why? 'Cause we're fucking awesome.
So get the fuck out of our dressing room now, because you guys smell like someone farted into a fan blade.
I'm talking about coming to play just a couple tunes.
We'll give you a cut of the booze, the fuckin' liquor, the food sales, all of it.
It's a lot of money.
You know, the fact that you thought we'd even consider this makes you, hands-down, the biggest fucking set of clown genitals I've ever fondled.
So how about you two micro-dong crack enthusiasts take a hike.
Rick, you're up, bud.
Right, you oversized fuck, here's what's gonna happen.
How's it going, Halifax? Are you guys ready to rock out?! We're gonna shoot a music video tonight.
Do you guys wanna be in our new music video or what? Well, all right.
We just gotta head outside, past the parking lot, about ten minutes down the road to a different location, okay? What the fuck are you talking about, Josh? Are you on drugs? Of course I am.
This is rock 'n roll.
But I really need you guys to do this for me, like, really bad, please.
Are you with me? Tell 'em there's tons of cheap booze and kickass weed there.
And there's tons of dope and liquor and we're gonna get jacked up! So, you know, head to the Sunnyvale Trailer Park, please.
Jesus Murphy, okay! I can play pretty much anything.
Are there any requests, for fuck sakes? Yeah, I have a request.
Get the fuck off the stage before I kill myself! Holy fuck! All right! Jesus! Okay, just hang on, everybody.
Hold the fuckin' phone.
I should be able to get Helix to come on now.
Here we go! See, pal? Now it's time for a fuckin' Helix show.
A Helix-fuckin'-rip-your-fuckin'-face-off rock show! Listen to our fans.
Hope you get there someday, kid.
You gonna do one of your patented somersaults onto the stage? You mean like this? Oh, my God.
Holy shit, Queens? Josh.
Hey, man.
Who are you? A failed lion tamer? Helix, man.
Seriously? We're the fuckin' headliner.
Not anymore.
Get the fuck outta the way, Helix.
Okay, Queens, let's do this.
Ten minutes, tops, you're free to go.
Shut the fuck up, Cool Shoulders.
Let's go get this the fuck over with, guys.
Get on the fuckin' ground now, assholes! Oh my fuck! I can't believe this is happening.
You have the right to remain silent! Oh, yeah? You guys have the right to remain fucked off! Not sure what the fuck is going on, guys.
I am Randy Jacobson and, you know, this is fuckin' bullshit.
Save it, Ricky.
We already know who you are.
Great.
So you know we didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, my God, you literally kidnapped my band and forced them to move 15,000 fans out of an arena.
-Bullshit.
-Oh, excellent, Julian.
So kidnapping was your business plan.
Yep.
We did it.
What the fuck are you saying? We didn't do anything.
-We didn't do shit.
-We did-- -We didn't do it.
Shut your mouth.
-I'd fuckin' do it again.
Ricky! I'd do anything to save the people of Sunnyvale's homes, man.
What are you talking about? Look, man, I'm fuckin' sorry we kidnapped you guys, but we had no choice.
Hurricane hit the park, in a few days, everyone's gonna get evicted, and they're gonna turn our home into a fuckin' cattle ranch.
Yeah, because that dick right there is a fucking dick! Watch it, son.
A fool who shoots his mouth off is likely to get his dick shot off.
Ricky, that's enough.
I just thought that if we could get you guys here, the people would come and then we'd make enough money to save this place.
Look, man, everything we did tonight, we did for the people of Sunnyvale.
These people, they're my family, and, you know, I care about every single one of them.
So, you held us up at gunpoint and forced us over here just so you could save everyone's homes? Yeah, I did, man.
Well, that's just fucking punk rock.
I mean I respect that.
-What? You do? -Absolutely.
I mean, anyone that would do what you guys did tonight for your friends is the Fuck Prince of Narnia, in my book.
What the fuck are you talking about, Josh? Who gave him drugs? So what are you gonna do? How's it going, Sunnyvale? Are you guys ready to rock your socks off, your ass balls, in this place or what? Don't forget to push the liquor and dope, man.
Thanks.
Don't forget to buy all the liquor and dope you can and shove it in your face, 'cause it's going to a good place.
 Good morning, gorgeous.
-Hey -Marguerite.
Thanks for the good time last night.
Oh, we didn't-- -So, did we-- -Did we? You damn near broke my pelvis there, Ginger Elvis.
Sorry about that.
I didn't mean it was a bad thing, Tiger.
Well, here you go, Barb.
 Exactly what we talked about.
It's all there.
Well, Julian, I must say I am impressed.
You really pulled your shit together here.
Yeah, Julian.
-Well, not exactly.
-The fuck you talking about? It doesn't seem that you factored in the price to clean this park up.
Take a look.
I had to hire a clean-up crew, there's fines from the city for violating the noise ordinance, I don't know what it'll cost to have the playground re-sodded.
-And that's just the start.
-Hang on, Clont.
That was not the deal and you know it.
The deal's what I say the deal is, and the B 'n' C Ranch is moving ahead as planned, honeybuns.
Sorry, son, but you came up short.
Whoa, hang on now, sweet teats.
-How much are they short? -I couldn't say off the top of my head, but it's somewhere in the neighborhood of $5,000.
-So unless you-- -I think 10,000 should more than cover it, don't you, douchenozzle? -Well, I-- -Lovely, Josh.
That more than covers it.
-Now just hang on one minute-- -No, Clont, you hang on a minute.
We're done here.
Sunnyvale stays as it is.
Well, it looks like I was wrong about you, Barb.
Here I thought you were a trailer park owner.
You're just a trailer park loser like the rest of 'em.
Well, if caring about people makes me a loser, I think it might be best if you just do-si-do right the fuck out of here.
Holy fuck! That was amazing.
-Thanks, Mr.
Homme.
 -Call me Mr.
Joshua.
All right.
Thank you.
Maybe all rock stars aren't complete fuckin' dicks after all.
No, we are.
 A hundred percent of the time, actually.
But you guys are all right.
Hey, for ten grand, can I score a trailer at least? 'Cause I wouldn't mind coming back to party with you guys again.
This is fucking nuts.
Fuckin' right you can, man, any time.
Hey, man, I need to get paid for last night.
Well, too fuckin' bad.
No play, no pay.
-That's my policy.
-Hold the fuck on here, Julian.
He's got a point.
They came all the way here.
We should pay them.
But if we're gonna pay you guys, you need to play.
The best fuckin' day of my life, that's what you got, Brian! Helix fucking rocks!
It's fuckin' sad what Hurricane Ricky did to our homeses.
Only a week to get the money before Barb and that dick Clont turn it into a fuckin' cattle ranch.
But Julian and I have a plan.
Mostly I did.
I'm smarter than Julian.
But if we can do it the way I thinks, we'll have enough money to save the park and some.
I don't like to call myself a fuckin' genius, but, if the suit fits, then-- Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck, my ass! Fuck, my ass! -Oh, my God! Dad, are you okay? -Oh, God, that fuckin' stings.
-Wow! -Ricky, what the fuck happened? Just a little fall off the trailer.
No big deal, guys.
Shit, Ricky, did you break anything? No, I don't think I did.
Trin, you're gonna have to take Mo in the trailer for a second.
Yeah, sure.
What's going on, Ricky? What's that weird look on your face? Fuck, Bubs.
Not sure exactly what's going on here, but I got a major problem with my ass.
Look.
Jesus Murphy! Oh, my God, Ricky! How did you do that? Alright, boys, let's get moving.
Julian, slight problem, buddy.
  -Fuck.
-Jesus Christ.
How the fuck did you manage that? Donât think it matters how he managed it, does it? Fuckin' stings, boys.
Hold still, Ricky.
-If I pull on it at just the right angle-- -No, no! Okay! -Holy fuck, there's a bell in there! -Oh, fuck! Oh, my God! We're must get you to a hospital! We don't have time for fuckin' hospital! The truck's here any minute now! You hear that ringing in his arse? I'm not going anywhere with a bike in my ass.
That's not fuckin' happening.
Just hold still, Ricky.
Jesus Christ! Don't fuckin'Â pull on it without warning me! Okay, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, she's really jammed in there good.
-It's like a fish hook! -Guys, we don't have time.
Bubs, cut the fuckin' thing off with a hacksaw.
Deal with it later.
What the fuck? Leave it in there? Well, we don't have any choice! We got one fuckin' shot here, Ricky! Okay, well, step into my office then, I guess, Ricky.
Oh, my God, this is so fucked.
Fuck! Dudes, this may be the best invention ever invented of all inventions.
What the fuck are you on about, Cory? The box, dudes.
Whoever came up with this was fuckin' ridiculous, man.
-All shapes and sizes.
-Yeah, they're really cool.
Like bags, but square.
Think the guy who invented the box invented cardboard too? I have no idea, dude.
All I know is it's brilliant.
It's so simple.
Four sides.
Poof.
The box.
Well, it has six, actually, doesn't it? No, you're counting the top and bottom, dude, -that's not the sides.
-What if you turn it on its side? You can't put shit through the sides.
The box has four sides.
I don't know, dude, it's just cool.
Holy fuck, would you two idiots stop talking? Just shut the fuck up! Your level of dumbness is inconcrete-hensible.
Hey, Barb, Clont.
Beautiful day.
Wait, Barb, done something with your hair? You look younger.
 It looks really nice.
Oh, Clont colored it for me.
I went a couple shades lighter.
Thanks, Julian.
Looks like you guys finally came to your senses.
I see you're packing your stuff up.
No, we're not packing up.
I came up with a new business idea.
We'll have enough money to fix up the park now.
You're looking at the next big franchise idea here.
Over the years, Ricky and I made good business relationships with some prison guards.
And now, because of new restrictions and cutbacks, those poor fuckers are having a hard time making extra cash.
Until now.
I came up with a flawless plan.
Instead of sneaking in small amounts of drugs and liquor, you know, up their asses or vaginas and stuff, which is very high risk, we'll sneak in a whole year's supply at once.
A one-shot deal.
Big Hawk agreed to front all the booze, Reggie fronted Ricky all the weed, zero start-up capital needed.
This is fuckin' perfect.
Well, it's not really fuckin' perfect.
Cocksuckers insisted on pre-rolls.
Know how long it takes to roll 10,000 fuckin' joints? You pretty much need a robot to fuckin' do it.
But I did it.
Thank fuck I had help.
Holy fuck, he can put in filters.
Best I've ever seen.
That kid's got a bright fuckin' future, I'm telling ya.
There's an old saying there, son.
If it smells like horse shit, looks like horse shit and tastes like horse shit, there's a good goddamn chance it is horse shit.
And if cops become involved in any way, I don't care how successful you are, son, your money won't be any good to us.
Hope you guys come up with the money, and believe me, I'll watch out for the fuzz for you.
We're not doing anything illegal.
I'm just saying, if you guys are doing anything, illegal or not, and you need help, I'm here for you, 100%.
Perfect.
Slapping you on the gut illegal, Randy? Or the ass? Frig off, Ricky! I just wanna help! You are helping, Randy.
 Exactly what I want to be doing right now.
Thanks! -Ricky! -All right, that's enough.
-Stop fuckin' around.
Give me that.
-His fault.
-He fuckin' asked how to help-- -Rick, enough! Party pooper.
Hey, boys! The kitties are all mud-washed, groomed, and calmed down.
Thank fuck I didn't lose any in the storm.
They're all accounted for.
Where are we all gonna go? I have nobody.
You'll have someone once those twins get born.
Ricky! Don't be poking at his food baby.
Look, Randy, I mean you got us, bud.
As much as it might not seem like it most of the time, you are family to us.
Really, guys? Well, more those two than me, but yeah, I guess.
Fuck it.
Randy, if you really wanna help out, think of ways of making some money.
Legit money.
Everything by the book.
No fucking gray areas, right, boys? Right? I'm not sure what painting gray things is all about, but yeah, sure, man, everything legit, I guess.
Okay, put your hands in.
One, two, three Ah, fuck! What the hell do you guys want? What the hell are you doing? Shouldn't you be in the south tower jerking off to pigeons or shit? Where the fuck's Louis? We've got business.
-He's retired.
-What? What the fuck are you on about, retired? Him and six other lucky whorebags had the winning numbers on the Lotto 649.
Now I'm stuck in this fucking sweatbox while he's getting blowjobs in the back seat of a limo.
Well, today's your lucky day then, fuckface.
Open the gate and you get Luscious Louis' cut.
No can do.
Teddy, it's a one-shot deal, man! How many times have you guys been in here? I'll tell ya.
Twenty-seven times during my career.
My career is coming to an end.
I wouldn't bet a dime on you two morons for anything.
Especially my pension.
I'll show you a dime, you old hairy-eared fuckin' piece of moose shit.
-How about this? -Don't pull a gun! -Fuck this! -To get into jail, you idiot.
Let's go! Give me a fuckin' break.
Everyone here knows you're afraid of guns.
Look at ya.
Treble a bit more, ya fuckin' loser.
Sorry for the confusion, Teddy.
We won't be back.
-This is bullshit! -See you in a few, dickheads! Fuck you, Teddy! Julian was trying to get me to come in with them on a "secret operation," said it was all legit.
Yeah, Rickyâs twitchy eyes told me a different story.
Good luck to them.
I'd rather do it the old-fashioned way and do it on my own.
Puttin' on a little concert.
It's gonna be a bake sale, karaoke, maybe get some puppets going.
And then, the big draw of the day: Bubbles and the Shit Rockers are gonna headline it.
Iâm thinking we'll get upwards of a hundred people.
Best thing is, itâs 100% grease free! I guess we can try and sell whatever we can at Bubbles' concert.
-Don't know how well that'll go.
-Not.
He'll be lucky if fuckin' ten people show up.
We need to think bigger here, man.
Why not go to an April Wine concert, sell it there? -That would fuckin' rock.
-That would fuckin' rock.
Hang on.
What if we got somebody bigger to play Bubs' concert? 1,000 people at ten bucks a head, that would be 10,000 bucks.
Then throw the fuckin' liquor and weed sales on top of that? -We'd make a fortune, man.
-Yeah, 1,000 tickets, though.
How in the fuck will we do that? We'd need someone as big as Helix for those fuckin' numbers.
-Okay, let's book 'em then.
-Yeah, okay, bud.
How you plan on doing that? Helix are globally massive huge rock stars.
You don't just call guys like that on the fuckin' phone.
Hi, I'm looking speak to someone from Helix.
Oh, hey, man, how's it going? I just googled it and your number came up.
You're shitting-- give me the fuckin' phone.
Hello? Who's this? Yeah, okay, bud.
Finish this line, then.
"Gimme an--" Oh my fuck.
It is you.
Brian fuckin' Vollmer.
You kidding me, man? -Give me the fuckin' phone! -How's it go-- give it back! Sorry about my friend, his head's fucked.
-Listen-- -Tell him I love him.
Just a second.
I got a question for ya.
What in the fuck are you talking about? Helix? Like "Gimme a fuckin' R" Helix? -R! -I just booked 'em for Trailerstock, man.
Trailerstock? Julian, I just wanna have a little concert, like a little nice family day.
Bubs, a nice little family day won't make us jack shit.
We need serious money here.
Fuck, we gotta print tickets.
Can you do it? Hang the fuck on! Print tickets? You're not just taking over my fuckin' concert here, bud.
Bubs, it's a good idea.
It could end up being bigger than fuckin' Bernie-man or Woodenstock.
It was Woodstock, Ricky.
You know how fuckin' long it took to pull that together? It would've taken months! An no offense, but Helix aren't exactly Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, or Jimi fuckin' Hendrix! Let's fuckin' book them, then.
-Book who? -Mashman, Stillby, and the Jimi guy.
Ricky, do you-- You know what? Fuck this! Fuck this! I'm just gonna take the stage down, there's no concert, how's that sound? Okay, we'll have no concert, then.
Let's not even try, Bubs, all right? Next week, we'll be fuckin' living at a cattle ranch, smelling like cow shit.
Fuck it.
I'm off to a bar to get drunk.
-All right, let's get drunk then.
Fuck it.
-Just wait! Hang the fuck on! All right, Helix can fuckin' play, but I'll tell you right now, Bubbles and the Shit Rockers are still the headliner.
I was actually really skeptical about how we could pull this off at first, but the generosity we've been seeing from the community over the past few days, it's just unbelievable.
The local hardware store, they donated all the building materials we needed for the stage.
Jacob and Cory were able to get a beautiful sound system and a big light show, all donated from a local non-profit organization.
A major food vendor stepped up to the plate to help us out, out of the goodness of their heart.
it's amazing what can be accomplished when giving is what's in people's hearts.
I'm starting to believe this could be a massive concert that goes down in history as maybe one of the biggest and best ever.
I mean, maybe not Woodstock, but I mean, who knows? Okay, boys, PA's all wired up and it fuckin' pounds! We're ready to blow the fuckin' roof off this place.
Right on, you sexy prick.
Let's fuckin' do it, boys.
Come on! Dudes, there's no roof, right? It's a figure of speech, Cory, you stupid bastard.
All right Randy-bo-bandy, open the gates, buddy.
Copy that, Julian.
Opening the gates, over.
Come right in, folks.
Welcome to Trailerstock.
Don't rush.
No pushing, please.
There's no outside food or booze allowed.
Once you're in, you're in.
No re-entry.
Everyone got it? Hey, where do we get a refund? Sorry, Ed, no refunds.
Why aren't you coming in, though? -This'll be the concert of the year.
-Yeah, I don't think so.
We want our money back to buy dope for this.
This is the concert of the year, dumb-ass.
What the frig is this? Fuck, yeah! -Playing Halifax tonight! -Tonight? Holy Frank! Julian! Where are you? We have a major friggin' situation here! Bubbles, how in the fuck did you not know this was tonight? What is it? Oh my fuck! -It's a big fuck-up, bud.
We're sunk.
-This is my fuckin' fault, is it? -It is! -You could've checked the upcoming events -just as easily as me, bud.
-What is it? Fuck! What are we gonna do now? Nobody's gonna come to this fuckin' thing if those dicks are playing over the fuckin' bridge.
Okay, I got an idea.
Bubbles, get the Shit Rockers on stage, entertain the fuckin' people there, get them to call some friends.
I'm the headliner, Julian.
Headliners don't go on in the fuckin' afternoon.
Yeah, shit's changed.
Get the fuck on stage, please.
Cory, Jacob, keep pushing booze and dope.
-Ricky, come with me.
-Wait, what are you gonna do? Don't worry, just get the fuck on stage! Don't fuckin' boss me! You've just been bossed! Get up there! Where the fuck are we headed, man? The Metro Center.
No way.
You got tickets to the fuckin' show? That's awesome.
I do love Queens of Stone Age, but I am not fuckin' missing Helix.
You kidding me? Ricky, we're not going to the concert to watch them, dumbass.
Fuck, man, if those guys play tonight, Sunnyvale is done.
My name is Jacob, I don't wear makeup I got a little weed So let's have a bake-up That's my whole story Back to you, Cory Oh, the ground is hard And the sky is soft Animals are furry And the trees are not I don't like water It ain't got a taste I don't like the treble 'Cause I only love bass Ow, stop throwing shit! That's not nice.
What the fuck are you idiots even saying? This is fucked! Yeah, we're trying our best here.
Fuckin' Jesus Christ! Okay, we're done.
That's it.
You-- Don't ask for us back.
-Let's go.
-Get off the fuckin' stage! Jesus Christ, boys, is that the best you could do for real? Sorry, I can't help people that don't understand beats.
Man, rock fans are stupid.
Oh, thank Mother Mary's perky tits! -It's Helix! -Wow, check it out.
Real rock stars.
Look at the leather.
Hi there.
My name's Bubbles.
I'm the frontman for Bubbles and the Shit Rockers.
Kinda running the show here today.
We're the headliners or, I guess, co-headliner, if you wanna call it that.
How you guys doing? Fuckin' fantastic, Bubbles.
I love these big outdoor concerts.
Well, that's great.
Look, the crowd's a bit rowdy, better get out there before they start rioting.
Good luck to ya.
I'm looking forward to hearing you.
I've heard great things about your band.
Right, that's funny.
We're fuckin' Helix, man.
We don't play for 75 fucking people.
We have millions of fans.
Once they start showing up, then we go on.
What are you on about? Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do now, then? The crowd's fuckin' losing it.
I thought you guys were gonna save the day.
Don't know what to tell you.
Where's our dressing room? Oh, for fuck sakes! Thanks, guys! Thanks, Helix! Fuckin' assholes.
This is great.
God damn rock stars.
Okay, how's everybody doing now? You fuckin' savs! Get outta here! I guess me and the Shit Rockers are gonna do one more set for ya.
Please, don't, you're killing my ears! Here's one you might have heard from a fella named Johnny Cash.
-We heard it three fuckin' times already! -One, two, one, two, three, four! Hello! Mr.
Peterson here just to fix the pipes! Whoa.
Who in the fuckhead are you guys? And how'd you get in here exactly? Take it easy there, you tall fuck.
Guys, chill out.
How's it going man? I'm Julian.
-Just want a minute of your time.
-Fuck out of our dressing room.
Troy, call our exorbitantly expensive and unnecessarily large security detail, please.
No, relax, guys.
Look, I'm a local entrepreneur.
I've an opportunity for you to make a shit ton of money.
Look, ding-dong, we already have a huge pile of cash.
But you can never have enough tax-free money, right? Here's what I'm proposing.
We got a huge outdoor concert tonight and because of your show, we're totally fucked.
-Everybody came here instead.
-I'm sure they did.
Know why? 'Cause we're fucking awesome.
So get the fuck out of our dressing room now, because you guys smell like someone farted into a fan blade.
I'm talking about coming to play just a couple tunes.
We'll give you a cut of the booze, the fuckin' liquor, the food sales, all of it.
It's a lot of money.
You know, the fact that you thought we'd even consider this makes you, hands-down, the biggest fucking set of clown genitals I've ever fondled.
So how about you two micro-dong crack enthusiasts take a hike.
Rick, you're up, bud.
Right, you oversized fuck, here's what's gonna happen.
How's it going, Halifax? Are you guys ready to rock out?! We're gonna shoot a music video tonight.
Do you guys wanna be in our new music video or what? Well, all right.
We just gotta head outside, past the parking lot, about ten minutes down the road to a different location, okay? What the fuck are you talking about, Josh? Are you on drugs? Of course I am.
This is rock 'n roll.
But I really need you guys to do this for me, like, really bad, please.
Are you with me? Tell 'em there's tons of cheap booze and kickass weed there.
And there's tons of dope and liquor and we're gonna get jacked up! So, you know, head to the Sunnyvale Trailer Park, please.
Jesus Murphy, okay! I can play pretty much anything.
Are there any requests, for fuck sakes? Yeah, I have a request.
Get the fuck off the stage before I kill myself! Holy fuck! All right! Jesus! Okay, just hang on, everybody.
Hold the fuckin' phone.
I should be able to get Helix to come on now.
Here we go! See, pal? Now it's time for a fuckin' Helix show.
A Helix-fuckin'-rip-your-fuckin'-face-off rock show! Listen to our fans.
Hope you get there someday, kid.
You gonna do one of your patented somersaults onto the stage? You mean like this? Oh, my God.
Holy shit, Queens? Josh.
Hey, man.
Who are you? A failed lion tamer? Helix, man.
Seriously? We're the fuckin' headliner.
Not anymore.
Get the fuck outta the way, Helix.
Okay, Queens, let's do this.
Ten minutes, tops, you're free to go.
Shut the fuck up, Cool Shoulders.
Let's go get this the fuck over with, guys.
Get on the fuckin' ground now, assholes! Oh my fuck! I can't believe this is happening.
You have the right to remain silent! Oh, yeah? You guys have the right to remain fucked off! Not sure what the fuck is going on, guys.
I am Randy Jacobson and, you know, this is fuckin' bullshit.
Save it, Ricky.
We already know who you are.
Great.
So you know we didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, my God, you literally kidnapped my band and forced them to move 15,000 fans out of an arena.
-Bullshit.
-Oh, excellent, Julian.
So kidnapping was your business plan.
Yep.
We did it.
What the fuck are you saying? We didn't do anything.
-We didn't do shit.
-We did-- -We didn't do it.
Shut your mouth.
-I'd fuckin' do it again.
Ricky! I'd do anything to save the people of Sunnyvale's homes, man.
What are you talking about? Look, man, I'm fuckin' sorry we kidnapped you guys, but we had no choice.
Hurricane hit the park, in a few days, everyone's gonna get evicted, and they're gonna turn our home into a fuckin' cattle ranch.
Yeah, because that dick right there is a fucking dick! Watch it, son.
A fool who shoots his mouth off is likely to get his dick shot off.
Ricky, that's enough.
I just thought that if we could get you guys here, the people would come and then we'd make enough money to save this place.
Look, man, everything we did tonight, we did for the people of Sunnyvale.
These people, they're my family, and, you know, I care about every single one of them.
So, you held us up at gunpoint and forced us over here just so you could save everyone's homes? Yeah, I did, man.
Well, that's just fucking punk rock.
I mean I respect that.
-What? You do? -Absolutely.
I mean, anyone that would do what you guys did tonight for your friends is the Fuck Prince of Narnia, in my book.
What the fuck are you talking about, Josh? Who gave him drugs? So what are you gonna do? How's it going, Sunnyvale? Are you guys ready to rock your socks off, your ass balls, in this place or what? Don't forget to push the liquor and dope, man.
Thanks.
Don't forget to buy all the liquor and dope you can and shove it in your face, 'cause it's going to a good place.
 Good morning, gorgeous.
-Hey -Marguerite.
Thanks for the good time last night.
Oh, we didn't-- -So, did we-- -Did we? You damn near broke my pelvis there, Ginger Elvis.
Sorry about that.
I didn't mean it was a bad thing, Tiger.
Well, here you go, Barb.
 Exactly what we talked about.
It's all there.
Well, Julian, I must say I am impressed.
You really pulled your shit together here.
Yeah, Julian.
-Well, not exactly.
-The fuck you talking about? It doesn't seem that you factored in the price to clean this park up.
Take a look.
I had to hire a clean-up crew, there's fines from the city for violating the noise ordinance, I don't know what it'll cost to have the playground re-sodded.
-And that's just the start.
-Hang on, Clont.
That was not the deal and you know it.
The deal's what I say the deal is, and the B 'n' C Ranch is moving ahead as planned, honeybuns.
Sorry, son, but you came up short.
Whoa, hang on now, sweet teats.
-How much are they short? -I couldn't say off the top of my head, but it's somewhere in the neighborhood of $5,000.
-So unless you-- -I think 10,000 should more than cover it, don't you, douchenozzle? -Well, I-- -Lovely, Josh.
That more than covers it.
-Now just hang on one minute-- -No, Clont, you hang on a minute.
We're done here.
Sunnyvale stays as it is.
Well, it looks like I was wrong about you, Barb.
Here I thought you were a trailer park owner.
You're just a trailer park loser like the rest of 'em.
Well, if caring about people makes me a loser, I think it might be best if you just do-si-do right the fuck out of here.
Holy fuck! That was amazing.
-Thanks, Mr.
Homme.
 -Call me Mr.
Joshua.
All right.
Thank you.
Maybe all rock stars aren't complete fuckin' dicks after all.
No, we are.
 A hundred percent of the time, actually.
But you guys are all right.
Hey, for ten grand, can I score a trailer at least? 'Cause I wouldn't mind coming back to party with you guys again.
This is fucking nuts.
Fuckin' right you can, man, any time.
Hey, man, I need to get paid for last night.
Well, too fuckin' bad.
No play, no pay.
-That's my policy.
-Hold the fuck on here, Julian.
He's got a point.
They came all the way here.
We should pay them.
But if we're gonna pay you guys, you need to play.
The best fuckin' day of my life, that's what you got, Brian! Helix fucking rocks!