Travel Man (2015) s02e04 Episode Script
48 Hours in Moscow
1 Mini-breaks are a swirling nebula of nonsense.
How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without a decade to decompress? With no idea where to go, how to eat or what to do, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge-up! But fear not, fellow sojourners, for I, Richard Ayoade's legally appointed representative, have been authorised to help in this time of times.
Accompanied by a whole quiver of well-known faces, I'm going to take you hurtling through a foolproof maxi mini-break.
This is travel without mercy.
This eve, 48 hours in Moscow.
Stacked high with history, culture and oligarchy, a person of thrift could secure a weekend in Moscow for close to a third of £1,000.
Accompanying me on this two-day sojourn is a man on the scale of a Russian Futurist statue, the formidable actor and comedian Greg Davies.
Together, we will sensuously submerse ourselves in tradition Greg, why did you insist that I sit at this angle? .
.
ingest the local culture Now we're talking.
.
.
and breakfast like bandits.
Oh, that is strong.
What better television is there than two men pressing buttons? Bang! We're here, but should we have come? To visit Moscow you need to apply for a visa, which involves a whole fountain of faff.
Faff can be quelled by taking a package holiday but this isn't Package Man - that show's in development with a more accessible host.
So we cop our visas and touch down.
Greg Davies, thanks for joining me in Moscow.
Thanks for having me here.
Why are we here, Richard? Well, I'll tell you why.
Moscow dropped onto the world scene about a millennium ago, and it's been invaded, besieged or revolutionised at least once a century ever since.
It was recently voted the most unfriendly city in the world, which immediately endears me to it.
And, mercifully, Russian children are taught NOT to smile at school because it's not charming, it's actually quite needy.
Our first destination is Red Square.
Oft described as the heart of Moscow and even all Russia, it's been the scene of May Day parades, public executions and, chillingly, a Shakira concert.
Well, Greg, we're in Red Square.
We are.
How do you feel? I feel powerful.
You look powerful.
Thank you very much.
I feel strangely at home.
I am Russian by height.
Yeah.
The Russian word for red, krasny, originally meant beautiful and has only come to mean red in more recent times.
Looming large is the 15th-century fortified complex known on the street as the Kremlin, and therein lies the presidential pad.
It's mightily impressive.
It's very macho.
We've got the GUM, which now isn't even the biggest department store in Moscow.
I was surprised it was a department store at all.
I know.
I thought it would be an austere military building, but it's for clothes.
It's alarmingly wide.
That's St Basil's.
St Basil's Cathedral was built in the 16th century during the reign of Ivan the Terrible, whose name limits interpretation of his character.
Red Square also allows you access to the Russian History Museum and Lenin's tomb, making it a sound opening salvo for the tourist looking to ram a whole case of culture down their gullet.
I like it.
I like it here.
Pretty much within 20 seconds, we've taken in all we need to take in.
I don't know where everyone's gone.
When we arrived, there were lots of people here.
And they scattered.
They've gone.
Yeah.
Which makes me think we're about to be arrested.
SIREN WAILS That's state police intervening after that comment.
Yeah.
Mercifully, the police aren't on my back again, but we have been very much interrupted by a fleet of World War II military vehicles practising for the Russian Military Day of Honour parade, so, like the decrepit tanks we are, we make a tactical retreat.
So would you recommend walking in on a Second World War military display in Red Square as something to do when everyone else comes to Moscow? Absolutely, number one on my list so far.
You've got to do it.
You have.
You've just got to do it.
I imagine you've got other treats in store for me.
Yes They also have a martial undertone.
Let's go and investigate them.
There's a well impressive 450 museums in Moscow, but there's only one that celebrates the Cold War battle for space flight supremacy, giving it a capitalistic monopoly on actual shizz that has been in space, which is why we're bearing down on the Cosmonaut Museum.
We are being given a tour by Daria, who was keen to gauge the level of our space knowledge.
You know what's there? The moon.
Yeah, great.
OK, that's the moon.
It's the moon, OK.
I know that.
We're really going back to basics.
Daria is taking us inside a replica of the Mir space station.
The original Mir was launched in 1986 and could orbit the Earth in just over 90 minutes, which is half the time it takes to get across London, which is smaller than space! What's interesting, we can see here, firstly is the sleeping bag.
Yes, but they're sleeping upright.
Yeah, cosmonauts don't know where is up It doesn't matter.
There's no upright in space.
.
.
and where is down.
What's happening to your brain at that stage, when you have no orientation? I think it's probably a little bit like having a tooth missing.
You just adjust.
That sounded too specific to be just a general example.
It's all I've got.
Also, you can look there, you know what's this? This is a toilet.
That's a toilet.
This is space toilet.
This is very similar to my toilet at home.
Oh, really? Yeah.
And you know, it works like a vacuum cleaner.
Exactly like mine, yeah.
The same? You have a vacuum toilet through choice, don't you? Not through choice.
Through medical advice.
I see.
To complete the immersive cosmonaut experience, visitors can sample genuine space food.
It looks delicious.
This is meat? Yes.
What's for dessert? Oh.
Iris, formula.
OK.
What's that? Iris, marmalade.
Any fruit? It's borscht.
Borscht? It's very good.
Another borscht? OK.
Thanks.
Nice.
Our astronomical fare duly secured, we can finally start squirting our first course onto some dry crackers.
That's a long, hard space trip.
I can see why they need that space toilet.
Can we have some meat and veg before we move on to dessert? Try some meat.
Oh, no.
Oh, that's a shame.
Oh, dear.
That's going to be floating all around.
I would be able to Yeah.
.
.
in space, of course.
That's going to end up a horrible gif.
Really squeeze it.
Oh! Oh, that's a shame.
Oh, dear! Yield! No.
You're failing phase one of the cosmonauts' training programme.
Let's have some pudding.
No, no.
I think it's a drink, maybe.
It might be a drink.
It wasn't made clear to me at the space station.
How's that? Good? No, no.
It's the antithesis of good.
OK.
Your drink's leaking all over the shuttle.
We've done all we can with history and science, so we rotate our periscopes to pop culture.
Moscow is the fourth most congested city on Earth and this entirely unevocative stat has meant we've decided to hop on the metro with all its Stalin-era baroquery.
What do you think of the baroque ceiling? First made in 1935.
Genuinely impressive.
Yeah.
It has the added bonus of being historically fascinating and reminding me of all my Frankie Goes To Hollywood 12-inches.
Sure.
The intricate ceilings are but one of the reasons that the Moscow metro stations are rated among the most beautiful in the world by a rating system whose methodology should not be questioned too closely.
I think it's better than Cockfosters.
Get out! I do think that.
You've not been to Cockfosters recently.
I have been to Cockfosters recently.
Have you? There was nothing for me to rub for luck.
Like this dog's snout? Like that dog's snout.
Very lucky.
Go on.
But not as lucky as this loading mechanism of a gun.
This is a germophobe's delight.
I don't like it.
Give the dog's snout a rub.
This lady has, look.
Yeah.
She's off to play the lottery now.
Horribly killed by a train.
I'm not so sure.
'Greg has revealed himself to have the empirical compass of a warlock, 'so we switch tack and travel back in time to experience 'what life was like in Soviet-era Moscow, but in a very specific way.
' This is it.
This is the one.
This might look like the waiting lounge of an advertising agency, but it's a working archive of Soviet-era arcade games.
Were you a big gamer in your time? I was not.
Oh? I was very physical.
Lots of wrestling.
Until the end of Communist rule about 25 years ago, Russian youths had no access to the fascist brainwashing assaults of Pac-Man or Donkey Kong.
Instead they were getting their minds blown by kit like this.
Well, what better television is there than two men pressing buttons? Bang! Nothing but net.
I'm surprised you're a gloater.
Thank you.
I'm not surprised.
I mean, it solves the mystery of why there was tension with the West, because I feel incredibly tense.
This is very pleasurable.
'Although I'm happy displaying my virtual sporting prowess, 'Greg insists that we must station to one of the many games 'that mostly consists of blowing shizz up.
' Aha! I'm off the scoresheet.
Gosh, it really is hard to sink enemy ships.
This is actually a great game.
I think real torpedo launchers are accompanied by the sound of a bag of crisps being opened as well.
POP! What I think is intriguing is that you dominated on the basketball court.
When it comes to military tactics Yes.
.
.
I have the superior mind.
Upon the ocean, you triumphed.
Let's see how the battle continues.
'With our gaming all square at one apiece, 'we've decided to find a winner the old Russian way.
' Whoever gets the most Russian road signs corresponding to the Russian text will win.
And bear in mind, we only have 48 hours in Moscow and this was one of the things you chose to do.
Bear that in mind.
Let's start.
Oh, I'm wrong.
Perhaps my giant hands come into play here.
Oh! I'm off.
You've got one? Yeah.
Are you pressing all of them? Yes, I am.
That is really unsportsmanlike.
What we're doing is like two insane seals slapping at road signs.
This game could save your life, Richard.
It could.
Well, I think you've won.
None of us A random event caused you to win.
No-one here has won.
I think television's won.
I think television has beaten us.
As the eve envelopes us, our thoughts turn to culture and pretending to care about it.
Moscow is rightly renowned for its theatre, ballet and circus but these events are exhaustingly time-hungry, so we're going to something which combines all three.
Sorry, Richard, what is this? It's a cat circus.
It's a cat circus, Greg.
There's a fine line between kooky and really worrying.
And creepy.
The cat theatre quarters over 200 cats spanning 38 breeds, and unsurprisingly, the theatre is one of the only of its kind on the planet.
This cat is just trying to survive.
GREG STIFLES LAUGHTER I said Bolshoi Ballet but you went, "No! Cat circus! "It'll be kooky.
" "No, I've heard about the cat circus.
" As the show builds towards what we hope is a close, things are beginning to take a troubling turn.
I'm losing my I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.
There's hundreds of cats on crystal balls.
You know, we have limited time and I feel this could go on .
.
forever.
As you wish.
I'm leaving.
I'm coming.
I've got to.
Well Well, I feel you only need to see that once, if at all.
I think it is one of the strangest things that I will ever see.
Yes.
I think the people watching this are going to be very disappointed that you didn't join in when all the kids were clapping for the performing cats, Richard.
No, I know what happens here when people start clapping in unison and I do not want to be part of it.
Let's leave.
Our first 24 hours in Moscow have been a Jenga tower of experiences that will linger long in the mind and the lower stomach.
It's like a sinister Ribena.
In the part of the show we call part two, we will live like locals I'm losing the bread.
.
.
scrub like locals .
.
and shop like tightwads.
I could get something signed by Patrick Stewart for one thousand.
'We are halfway through our morally serious rampage through 'the alluring architecture and heady history of Moscow.
'Thus far, we have gamed like Soviets' Bang.
All net.
'.
.
eaten like cosmonauts' Oh! Ooh, that's a shame.
'.
.
and seen some trained cats.
' I said Bolshoi Ballet.
You went, "No.
The cat circus.
" 'As day two prizes its wonder open, 'we strive to slip under the skin of this monumental city 'rather than just walk around, periodically consulting TripAdvisor.
' I know what you're thinking - what would it be like to live like a local? How do you do it? Like Meat Loaf, I've taken the words right out of your mouth.
It's incredible.
I'm going to show you.
'Moscow has enough walking tours to keep you 'tramping around so-called points of interest for fortnights.
'But local residents George and Anna have blown the tour game 'wide open with their Moscow Like A Local tour, 'exploring historic Moscovian neighbourhood Chistye Prudy.
' This place, actually, you know, the pond, a couple of centuries ago, it used to be called a foul pool.
Right.
Ah.
The reason is, there lived a lot of butchers around here OK.
.
.
and they used to dump their waste just in this pond.
It was a meat pond? It was, yeah.
It was a dirty, smelly and disgusting place.
I mean, that is never going to catch on, a meat pond, is it? Unless it could have been heated from underneath, and then it could have been a soup.
Soup.
But you can never get heated enough in Moscow anyway.
No.
I've just got some sausages I want to throw in this pond, if that's Yeah, not now.
OK.
Maybe a few centuries earlier.
'Not only does the tour take in former meat ponds, 'but also food-based architecture.
' We are near the Egg House.
It looks like it could take off.
Yeah, it's true.
It's good.
'George and Anna insist that to really feel like a local, 'we must, even at ten in the AM, like 600 years' worth of Muscovites 'before us, have a volley of vodka slammed into our necks.
' There's shots.
After you drink every shot, you take a piece of pure bread, fresh bread, and smell it.
When you don't feel the smell, you should stop drinking.
OK.
Ah.
It's a gauge of when you should When your senses fail you, call it a day.
Yeah, for sure.
LAUGHTER Ooh, that is strong.
I'm going to smell some bread now.
Now? Yep.
I can smell the bread.
I may put some second one.
Oh, we are having a second one? For sure.
I'm afraid once I've had two, I can't stop.
It's one of my rules.
'Mercifully for Greg, George knows how to use the impregnable 'Russian barrier - a pig fat bread spread.
' It's a fat, so it will accumulate alcohol inside your stomach, and you won't be drunk.
Oh, so the fat is to soak up the alcohol? Yeah.
I'm already feeling it.
That's all I can do.
I'm losing the bread.
The bread's lost.
I'm having a lovely morning.
Mmm, thank you.
If you want to have a lovely morning in Russia, start with a couple of shots, take a pickle, and go for a walk.
And then just try and operate that forklift.
Yeah(!) Thank you for having us.
Thank you, yeah.
'Dangerously drowsy and chilled to our cells, 'we march on to enmesh ourselves in further events.
' Where are we going? We're going to a bathhouse.
Right.
'Pushkin, Tolstoy and Chekhov are mainly known for how seriously 'they took their toilet, and part of their rightly celebrated 'skincare regime involved the patronage of these baths, 'which are still an active part of Moscow culture at this very moment.
'The great and the only so-so can broil together, 'bonded by the belief that all men are equal when undressed.
'But I don't need to strip down to feel inferior, 'so I robe up to the gullet.
' Oh, hello, gentlemen.
Hi.
Can you tell by my body language how comfortable I am? Yes.
Yeah.
Is this the proper appearance? Yes, of course.
Presumably I will be incredibly cool and relaxed, because I'm wearing this hat, whereas Richard will be horribly uncomfortable.
We advise all clients to wear it.
OK.
Let's go to the steam room.
Don't forget your hat.
'Yuri is taking us for a speciality of these baths - 'a birch leaf treatment that is supposed to improve circulation.
'Greg volunteers with giddying eagerness.
' Greg, why did you insist that I sit at this angle? Because for me, this is a bad angle.
GREG LAUGHS I am not engaging with this.
Ah! Some of it's quite nice, but it feels like it's building to something sinister.
Oh! Agh! There! That's sinister.
This is a woodland version of Stomp.
I imagine this looks It doesn't look good, Greg.
This is nice.
Agh! I deserve this.
'With Greg bewhacked into new strata of sensation, 'he moves with unearthly alacrity 'to the traditional post-steam, ice-cold douche.
' There are people who work here in the background actually laughing.
Ready? Go.
Oh! Ohhh! Well, that was creepy.
How do you feel about it? I went in there with a tick list of three things, Richard.
OK, tell me what was on the tick list.
I wanted to wear a hat that made me look like a sinister children's character.
Tick.
I wanted topless men to thrash me with sticks.
Tick.
And then I wanted to be driven close to a heart attack with ice-cold water.
Well, that's excellent news for the tick chart, because Thanks so much for .
.
that's three ticks.
I think, let's go on, let's explore.
There might even be more to Moscow than that.
There doesn't seem much point, but let's try.
Let's soldier on.
Here we go.
Right.
'Feeling more authentic than mid-period Matthew McConaughey, 'we look for objects that can commemorate our sojourn.
'Our dear companion Google Maps projects a 33-min taxi journey, 'time enough for Greg and I to contemplate 'the cultural influences of the West on Moscow 'since the collapse of the Iron Curtain.
' Do you think Tears For Fears were big in Moscow? Where weren't Tears For Fears big? That music will not be denied.
Maybe if you start singing Everybody Wants To Rule The World MOCK IMPRESSION # Shout! Let it all out! It's incredible.
These are the things I can do without, come on! The driver doesn't seem to be joining in.
No, he doesn't.
You didn't have to shout GREG LAUGHS Let it all out.
'Izmailovo Flea Market is celebrating its glorious 26th year of trading.
'There's an infinite crescent of craft shops and food areas as well 'as a flea market section 'selling high-quality knick-knackery.
' Wow.
Wow.
This is the flea market.
THAT'S a market.
It's wonderfully integrated within the local community.
It is.
GREG CHUCKLES 'Like the capitalist scum we are, we look to hoover up some goods.
' I say, Richard What's that, Greg? I hate Russian dolls.
Why's that? So full of themselves.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello.
Hey.
Oh, you've got Patrick Stewart from Next Generation Star Trek.
This tile, 2,000 roubles.
I could get something signed by Patrick Stewart for 1,000.
2,200, roubles maybe.
It's going up.
It goes up? Haggling with this man It's dangerous business.
If you haggle with him for a while, you'll just leave owing money even if you don't buy anything.
Yeah, yeah.
What I'm interested in is Putin on a bear.
Yes.
This, 6,000 roubles.
6,000 roubles.
Yes.
I only have 4,000.
Ah.
Aww.
There's the rub.
What about .
.
these two for 6,000? OK, you can have two plastic bags for free.
That's good.
Wonderful, done.
It's the joke that keeps on giving, year in, year out.
Yep.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Come back next time? We will come back.
Definitely, yeah.
'The final minutes of our 48 hours in mighty Moscow will soon elapse, 'but before we can tap in our pins at duty free, 'we head to the statue of Peter the Great 'to dissect and digest.
' It's been a visit of highs and lows.
Well, I know what your high was.
Well, I think you THINK you know what my high was.
Cat circus.
Correct, it was.
Thank you.
You loved that cat circus.
I did! I very much enjoyed Red Square.
You can't avoid being impressed.
What a square! How are you feeling, on reflection, about not revealing any of your body in the baths? Well, as you know, I'm covered in Maori tattoos You are.
.
.
and Nazi symbols.
Unusual, to do them yourself.
It IS unusual.
No-one else needs to see it.
'Our conclusion is steadfast - 'Moscow is a mighty city that combines coldness and warmth, 'whereas I only possess the former.
' At the beginning of the trip, you told me in no uncertain terms that you and I would not hug at any point.
That is a stipulation I stand by.
I don't want it.
I know it's there.
No! No! What if I? You're in Russia.
48 hours and you're already trying to stage some kind of coup.
Don't slide along the bench to me.
I'm free, I'm a free man.
I live in the West.
I'm free!
How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without a decade to decompress? With no idea where to go, how to eat or what to do, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge-up! But fear not, fellow sojourners, for I, Richard Ayoade's legally appointed representative, have been authorised to help in this time of times.
Accompanied by a whole quiver of well-known faces, I'm going to take you hurtling through a foolproof maxi mini-break.
This is travel without mercy.
This eve, 48 hours in Moscow.
Stacked high with history, culture and oligarchy, a person of thrift could secure a weekend in Moscow for close to a third of £1,000.
Accompanying me on this two-day sojourn is a man on the scale of a Russian Futurist statue, the formidable actor and comedian Greg Davies.
Together, we will sensuously submerse ourselves in tradition Greg, why did you insist that I sit at this angle? .
.
ingest the local culture Now we're talking.
.
.
and breakfast like bandits.
Oh, that is strong.
What better television is there than two men pressing buttons? Bang! We're here, but should we have come? To visit Moscow you need to apply for a visa, which involves a whole fountain of faff.
Faff can be quelled by taking a package holiday but this isn't Package Man - that show's in development with a more accessible host.
So we cop our visas and touch down.
Greg Davies, thanks for joining me in Moscow.
Thanks for having me here.
Why are we here, Richard? Well, I'll tell you why.
Moscow dropped onto the world scene about a millennium ago, and it's been invaded, besieged or revolutionised at least once a century ever since.
It was recently voted the most unfriendly city in the world, which immediately endears me to it.
And, mercifully, Russian children are taught NOT to smile at school because it's not charming, it's actually quite needy.
Our first destination is Red Square.
Oft described as the heart of Moscow and even all Russia, it's been the scene of May Day parades, public executions and, chillingly, a Shakira concert.
Well, Greg, we're in Red Square.
We are.
How do you feel? I feel powerful.
You look powerful.
Thank you very much.
I feel strangely at home.
I am Russian by height.
Yeah.
The Russian word for red, krasny, originally meant beautiful and has only come to mean red in more recent times.
Looming large is the 15th-century fortified complex known on the street as the Kremlin, and therein lies the presidential pad.
It's mightily impressive.
It's very macho.
We've got the GUM, which now isn't even the biggest department store in Moscow.
I was surprised it was a department store at all.
I know.
I thought it would be an austere military building, but it's for clothes.
It's alarmingly wide.
That's St Basil's.
St Basil's Cathedral was built in the 16th century during the reign of Ivan the Terrible, whose name limits interpretation of his character.
Red Square also allows you access to the Russian History Museum and Lenin's tomb, making it a sound opening salvo for the tourist looking to ram a whole case of culture down their gullet.
I like it.
I like it here.
Pretty much within 20 seconds, we've taken in all we need to take in.
I don't know where everyone's gone.
When we arrived, there were lots of people here.
And they scattered.
They've gone.
Yeah.
Which makes me think we're about to be arrested.
SIREN WAILS That's state police intervening after that comment.
Yeah.
Mercifully, the police aren't on my back again, but we have been very much interrupted by a fleet of World War II military vehicles practising for the Russian Military Day of Honour parade, so, like the decrepit tanks we are, we make a tactical retreat.
So would you recommend walking in on a Second World War military display in Red Square as something to do when everyone else comes to Moscow? Absolutely, number one on my list so far.
You've got to do it.
You have.
You've just got to do it.
I imagine you've got other treats in store for me.
Yes They also have a martial undertone.
Let's go and investigate them.
There's a well impressive 450 museums in Moscow, but there's only one that celebrates the Cold War battle for space flight supremacy, giving it a capitalistic monopoly on actual shizz that has been in space, which is why we're bearing down on the Cosmonaut Museum.
We are being given a tour by Daria, who was keen to gauge the level of our space knowledge.
You know what's there? The moon.
Yeah, great.
OK, that's the moon.
It's the moon, OK.
I know that.
We're really going back to basics.
Daria is taking us inside a replica of the Mir space station.
The original Mir was launched in 1986 and could orbit the Earth in just over 90 minutes, which is half the time it takes to get across London, which is smaller than space! What's interesting, we can see here, firstly is the sleeping bag.
Yes, but they're sleeping upright.
Yeah, cosmonauts don't know where is up It doesn't matter.
There's no upright in space.
.
.
and where is down.
What's happening to your brain at that stage, when you have no orientation? I think it's probably a little bit like having a tooth missing.
You just adjust.
That sounded too specific to be just a general example.
It's all I've got.
Also, you can look there, you know what's this? This is a toilet.
That's a toilet.
This is space toilet.
This is very similar to my toilet at home.
Oh, really? Yeah.
And you know, it works like a vacuum cleaner.
Exactly like mine, yeah.
The same? You have a vacuum toilet through choice, don't you? Not through choice.
Through medical advice.
I see.
To complete the immersive cosmonaut experience, visitors can sample genuine space food.
It looks delicious.
This is meat? Yes.
What's for dessert? Oh.
Iris, formula.
OK.
What's that? Iris, marmalade.
Any fruit? It's borscht.
Borscht? It's very good.
Another borscht? OK.
Thanks.
Nice.
Our astronomical fare duly secured, we can finally start squirting our first course onto some dry crackers.
That's a long, hard space trip.
I can see why they need that space toilet.
Can we have some meat and veg before we move on to dessert? Try some meat.
Oh, no.
Oh, that's a shame.
Oh, dear.
That's going to be floating all around.
I would be able to Yeah.
.
.
in space, of course.
That's going to end up a horrible gif.
Really squeeze it.
Oh! Oh, that's a shame.
Oh, dear! Yield! No.
You're failing phase one of the cosmonauts' training programme.
Let's have some pudding.
No, no.
I think it's a drink, maybe.
It might be a drink.
It wasn't made clear to me at the space station.
How's that? Good? No, no.
It's the antithesis of good.
OK.
Your drink's leaking all over the shuttle.
We've done all we can with history and science, so we rotate our periscopes to pop culture.
Moscow is the fourth most congested city on Earth and this entirely unevocative stat has meant we've decided to hop on the metro with all its Stalin-era baroquery.
What do you think of the baroque ceiling? First made in 1935.
Genuinely impressive.
Yeah.
It has the added bonus of being historically fascinating and reminding me of all my Frankie Goes To Hollywood 12-inches.
Sure.
The intricate ceilings are but one of the reasons that the Moscow metro stations are rated among the most beautiful in the world by a rating system whose methodology should not be questioned too closely.
I think it's better than Cockfosters.
Get out! I do think that.
You've not been to Cockfosters recently.
I have been to Cockfosters recently.
Have you? There was nothing for me to rub for luck.
Like this dog's snout? Like that dog's snout.
Very lucky.
Go on.
But not as lucky as this loading mechanism of a gun.
This is a germophobe's delight.
I don't like it.
Give the dog's snout a rub.
This lady has, look.
Yeah.
She's off to play the lottery now.
Horribly killed by a train.
I'm not so sure.
'Greg has revealed himself to have the empirical compass of a warlock, 'so we switch tack and travel back in time to experience 'what life was like in Soviet-era Moscow, but in a very specific way.
' This is it.
This is the one.
This might look like the waiting lounge of an advertising agency, but it's a working archive of Soviet-era arcade games.
Were you a big gamer in your time? I was not.
Oh? I was very physical.
Lots of wrestling.
Until the end of Communist rule about 25 years ago, Russian youths had no access to the fascist brainwashing assaults of Pac-Man or Donkey Kong.
Instead they were getting their minds blown by kit like this.
Well, what better television is there than two men pressing buttons? Bang! Nothing but net.
I'm surprised you're a gloater.
Thank you.
I'm not surprised.
I mean, it solves the mystery of why there was tension with the West, because I feel incredibly tense.
This is very pleasurable.
'Although I'm happy displaying my virtual sporting prowess, 'Greg insists that we must station to one of the many games 'that mostly consists of blowing shizz up.
' Aha! I'm off the scoresheet.
Gosh, it really is hard to sink enemy ships.
This is actually a great game.
I think real torpedo launchers are accompanied by the sound of a bag of crisps being opened as well.
POP! What I think is intriguing is that you dominated on the basketball court.
When it comes to military tactics Yes.
.
.
I have the superior mind.
Upon the ocean, you triumphed.
Let's see how the battle continues.
'With our gaming all square at one apiece, 'we've decided to find a winner the old Russian way.
' Whoever gets the most Russian road signs corresponding to the Russian text will win.
And bear in mind, we only have 48 hours in Moscow and this was one of the things you chose to do.
Bear that in mind.
Let's start.
Oh, I'm wrong.
Perhaps my giant hands come into play here.
Oh! I'm off.
You've got one? Yeah.
Are you pressing all of them? Yes, I am.
That is really unsportsmanlike.
What we're doing is like two insane seals slapping at road signs.
This game could save your life, Richard.
It could.
Well, I think you've won.
None of us A random event caused you to win.
No-one here has won.
I think television's won.
I think television has beaten us.
As the eve envelopes us, our thoughts turn to culture and pretending to care about it.
Moscow is rightly renowned for its theatre, ballet and circus but these events are exhaustingly time-hungry, so we're going to something which combines all three.
Sorry, Richard, what is this? It's a cat circus.
It's a cat circus, Greg.
There's a fine line between kooky and really worrying.
And creepy.
The cat theatre quarters over 200 cats spanning 38 breeds, and unsurprisingly, the theatre is one of the only of its kind on the planet.
This cat is just trying to survive.
GREG STIFLES LAUGHTER I said Bolshoi Ballet but you went, "No! Cat circus! "It'll be kooky.
" "No, I've heard about the cat circus.
" As the show builds towards what we hope is a close, things are beginning to take a troubling turn.
I'm losing my I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.
There's hundreds of cats on crystal balls.
You know, we have limited time and I feel this could go on .
.
forever.
As you wish.
I'm leaving.
I'm coming.
I've got to.
Well Well, I feel you only need to see that once, if at all.
I think it is one of the strangest things that I will ever see.
Yes.
I think the people watching this are going to be very disappointed that you didn't join in when all the kids were clapping for the performing cats, Richard.
No, I know what happens here when people start clapping in unison and I do not want to be part of it.
Let's leave.
Our first 24 hours in Moscow have been a Jenga tower of experiences that will linger long in the mind and the lower stomach.
It's like a sinister Ribena.
In the part of the show we call part two, we will live like locals I'm losing the bread.
.
.
scrub like locals .
.
and shop like tightwads.
I could get something signed by Patrick Stewart for one thousand.
'We are halfway through our morally serious rampage through 'the alluring architecture and heady history of Moscow.
'Thus far, we have gamed like Soviets' Bang.
All net.
'.
.
eaten like cosmonauts' Oh! Ooh, that's a shame.
'.
.
and seen some trained cats.
' I said Bolshoi Ballet.
You went, "No.
The cat circus.
" 'As day two prizes its wonder open, 'we strive to slip under the skin of this monumental city 'rather than just walk around, periodically consulting TripAdvisor.
' I know what you're thinking - what would it be like to live like a local? How do you do it? Like Meat Loaf, I've taken the words right out of your mouth.
It's incredible.
I'm going to show you.
'Moscow has enough walking tours to keep you 'tramping around so-called points of interest for fortnights.
'But local residents George and Anna have blown the tour game 'wide open with their Moscow Like A Local tour, 'exploring historic Moscovian neighbourhood Chistye Prudy.
' This place, actually, you know, the pond, a couple of centuries ago, it used to be called a foul pool.
Right.
Ah.
The reason is, there lived a lot of butchers around here OK.
.
.
and they used to dump their waste just in this pond.
It was a meat pond? It was, yeah.
It was a dirty, smelly and disgusting place.
I mean, that is never going to catch on, a meat pond, is it? Unless it could have been heated from underneath, and then it could have been a soup.
Soup.
But you can never get heated enough in Moscow anyway.
No.
I've just got some sausages I want to throw in this pond, if that's Yeah, not now.
OK.
Maybe a few centuries earlier.
'Not only does the tour take in former meat ponds, 'but also food-based architecture.
' We are near the Egg House.
It looks like it could take off.
Yeah, it's true.
It's good.
'George and Anna insist that to really feel like a local, 'we must, even at ten in the AM, like 600 years' worth of Muscovites 'before us, have a volley of vodka slammed into our necks.
' There's shots.
After you drink every shot, you take a piece of pure bread, fresh bread, and smell it.
When you don't feel the smell, you should stop drinking.
OK.
Ah.
It's a gauge of when you should When your senses fail you, call it a day.
Yeah, for sure.
LAUGHTER Ooh, that is strong.
I'm going to smell some bread now.
Now? Yep.
I can smell the bread.
I may put some second one.
Oh, we are having a second one? For sure.
I'm afraid once I've had two, I can't stop.
It's one of my rules.
'Mercifully for Greg, George knows how to use the impregnable 'Russian barrier - a pig fat bread spread.
' It's a fat, so it will accumulate alcohol inside your stomach, and you won't be drunk.
Oh, so the fat is to soak up the alcohol? Yeah.
I'm already feeling it.
That's all I can do.
I'm losing the bread.
The bread's lost.
I'm having a lovely morning.
Mmm, thank you.
If you want to have a lovely morning in Russia, start with a couple of shots, take a pickle, and go for a walk.
And then just try and operate that forklift.
Yeah(!) Thank you for having us.
Thank you, yeah.
'Dangerously drowsy and chilled to our cells, 'we march on to enmesh ourselves in further events.
' Where are we going? We're going to a bathhouse.
Right.
'Pushkin, Tolstoy and Chekhov are mainly known for how seriously 'they took their toilet, and part of their rightly celebrated 'skincare regime involved the patronage of these baths, 'which are still an active part of Moscow culture at this very moment.
'The great and the only so-so can broil together, 'bonded by the belief that all men are equal when undressed.
'But I don't need to strip down to feel inferior, 'so I robe up to the gullet.
' Oh, hello, gentlemen.
Hi.
Can you tell by my body language how comfortable I am? Yes.
Yeah.
Is this the proper appearance? Yes, of course.
Presumably I will be incredibly cool and relaxed, because I'm wearing this hat, whereas Richard will be horribly uncomfortable.
We advise all clients to wear it.
OK.
Let's go to the steam room.
Don't forget your hat.
'Yuri is taking us for a speciality of these baths - 'a birch leaf treatment that is supposed to improve circulation.
'Greg volunteers with giddying eagerness.
' Greg, why did you insist that I sit at this angle? Because for me, this is a bad angle.
GREG LAUGHS I am not engaging with this.
Ah! Some of it's quite nice, but it feels like it's building to something sinister.
Oh! Agh! There! That's sinister.
This is a woodland version of Stomp.
I imagine this looks It doesn't look good, Greg.
This is nice.
Agh! I deserve this.
'With Greg bewhacked into new strata of sensation, 'he moves with unearthly alacrity 'to the traditional post-steam, ice-cold douche.
' There are people who work here in the background actually laughing.
Ready? Go.
Oh! Ohhh! Well, that was creepy.
How do you feel about it? I went in there with a tick list of three things, Richard.
OK, tell me what was on the tick list.
I wanted to wear a hat that made me look like a sinister children's character.
Tick.
I wanted topless men to thrash me with sticks.
Tick.
And then I wanted to be driven close to a heart attack with ice-cold water.
Well, that's excellent news for the tick chart, because Thanks so much for .
.
that's three ticks.
I think, let's go on, let's explore.
There might even be more to Moscow than that.
There doesn't seem much point, but let's try.
Let's soldier on.
Here we go.
Right.
'Feeling more authentic than mid-period Matthew McConaughey, 'we look for objects that can commemorate our sojourn.
'Our dear companion Google Maps projects a 33-min taxi journey, 'time enough for Greg and I to contemplate 'the cultural influences of the West on Moscow 'since the collapse of the Iron Curtain.
' Do you think Tears For Fears were big in Moscow? Where weren't Tears For Fears big? That music will not be denied.
Maybe if you start singing Everybody Wants To Rule The World MOCK IMPRESSION # Shout! Let it all out! It's incredible.
These are the things I can do without, come on! The driver doesn't seem to be joining in.
No, he doesn't.
You didn't have to shout GREG LAUGHS Let it all out.
'Izmailovo Flea Market is celebrating its glorious 26th year of trading.
'There's an infinite crescent of craft shops and food areas as well 'as a flea market section 'selling high-quality knick-knackery.
' Wow.
Wow.
This is the flea market.
THAT'S a market.
It's wonderfully integrated within the local community.
It is.
GREG CHUCKLES 'Like the capitalist scum we are, we look to hoover up some goods.
' I say, Richard What's that, Greg? I hate Russian dolls.
Why's that? So full of themselves.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello.
Hey.
Oh, you've got Patrick Stewart from Next Generation Star Trek.
This tile, 2,000 roubles.
I could get something signed by Patrick Stewart for 1,000.
2,200, roubles maybe.
It's going up.
It goes up? Haggling with this man It's dangerous business.
If you haggle with him for a while, you'll just leave owing money even if you don't buy anything.
Yeah, yeah.
What I'm interested in is Putin on a bear.
Yes.
This, 6,000 roubles.
6,000 roubles.
Yes.
I only have 4,000.
Ah.
Aww.
There's the rub.
What about .
.
these two for 6,000? OK, you can have two plastic bags for free.
That's good.
Wonderful, done.
It's the joke that keeps on giving, year in, year out.
Yep.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Come back next time? We will come back.
Definitely, yeah.
'The final minutes of our 48 hours in mighty Moscow will soon elapse, 'but before we can tap in our pins at duty free, 'we head to the statue of Peter the Great 'to dissect and digest.
' It's been a visit of highs and lows.
Well, I know what your high was.
Well, I think you THINK you know what my high was.
Cat circus.
Correct, it was.
Thank you.
You loved that cat circus.
I did! I very much enjoyed Red Square.
You can't avoid being impressed.
What a square! How are you feeling, on reflection, about not revealing any of your body in the baths? Well, as you know, I'm covered in Maori tattoos You are.
.
.
and Nazi symbols.
Unusual, to do them yourself.
It IS unusual.
No-one else needs to see it.
'Our conclusion is steadfast - 'Moscow is a mighty city that combines coldness and warmth, 'whereas I only possess the former.
' At the beginning of the trip, you told me in no uncertain terms that you and I would not hug at any point.
That is a stipulation I stand by.
I don't want it.
I know it's there.
No! No! What if I? You're in Russia.
48 hours and you're already trying to stage some kind of coup.
Don't slide along the bench to me.
I'm free, I'm a free man.
I live in the West.
I'm free!