Travel Man (2015) s10e01 Episode Script
Dubrovnik
To mini-break is to sup the cup of a mug.
How in shiz can the sister get on point .
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without getting peeved? But let not salt tears soak your saddle, for I, diminished and returned Richard Ayoade, am here to get your tiny trip tight.
Bound to a batch of exhausted entertainers, I'm going to globally gob off.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a double-day detainment in Croatia's Dubrovnik.
Over a mil and change minibreakers flock here to transfer the City of Light and Stone to their data files.
My companion this week is becapped comic Stephen Merchant.
I did ask to be the tallest man in the show.
Together, we will say what you see I think our faces will show how enjoyable this is.
.
.
scrape some shell I'm a wonderful dining companion because, not only am I a scintillating conversationalist, but there is nothing I won't put in my mouth.
.
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and lead the witness.
Do you have, um, any washbags with Dalmatians on them? - We do.
- Oh, OK.
- We're here, but should we have come? - I bloody well hope so.
Please, it's pre-watershed.
Here we ruddy go in the old port of Dubrovnik and the convo's flowing like Kia-Ora.
The name Dubrovnik obviously comes from the word Dubrava, the Croatian word meaning grove.
It's got one of the oldest pharmacies in the world, which is welcome news, founded in 1317, in one of the Franciscan monasteries and there was actually a resolution passed during the time of the Republic of Dubrovnik, meaning that no-one could make any council decisions while the wind jugo was blowing.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, everyone knows that already, but why have you brought me to Dubrovnik? Why are you pre-empting a format point? The city formerly known as Ragusa is totally old.
Your boy Byron called it the "Pearl of the Adriatic", your gangsta George Bernard Shaw said it was "paradise on Earth", and some stone-cold ballers on TripAdvisor said they might well come again.
Over aeons, this fortified nook has rebuffed and/or withstood some 9th-century Saracens, the late 20th-century Yugoslav People's Army members, mid-period Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, and a whole throng of contemporary Throne Heads, hooked on sandals, swords, and quasi-chivalric copulation.
We collar the nearest man in blue shirt and chinos Hello.
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and make him take us to our quarters, deep in the old town's crevices, where ballers like us could crack on for 48 for under three-tonne.
- UNESCO World Heritage site - Oh, yeah? - .
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as of 1979.
Now, what does that mean exactly? Is that like a BAFTA for cities? I think it just restricts the way you can get cable.
STEPHEN LAUGHS If these city walls could talk, they'd say, "We range from 1m to 6m thick.
" I like to be safe from attack.
After a 10-min trot through one of the world's best-preserved medieval cities, this is all we can come up with.
- Be so much easier if they just tarmacked this whole thing.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Or if we just stayed at home.
- Yeah.
- That would be ideal.
- Now you're talking my language! It's very hard to get that commissioned - I have tried.
STEPHEN LAUGHS - Thank you.
- Thank you so much, it's really appreciated.
- It's very kind of you.
- Bye! - Were we supposed to have tipped? - Ah, it's a bit late.
Hope you like cream on beige.
St Joseph's is a 16th-c six-bed townhouse with at least two separate cake stations.
- That's you.
- This is me? Great, ta-ra.
Look, high ceilings.
Appropriate.
Good, excellent, got the door knockers Got the door knockers on the back of the chairs .
.
as requested.
Wow! It's like if The White Company did room service.
Of course, normally, I always ask for a room with a kitchen in the cupboard.
Let's just check if Yeah, perfect, good, cos I was worried they might have forgotten that.
Good, everything in order.
According to the mavericks at the Institute of Economics in Zagreb, over a quarter of the tourists who come to Du-to-the-Brovnik are simply searching for locations used in Game Of Thrones.
And thus, we take our tails to the Jesuit steps They need to fix that step, there's something wrong with it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
.
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where guide Ivan is scoping the very same spot as one of the show's most massively-moving scenes.
I will show you this Walk of Shame from Game Of Thrones.
- Oh.
- BOTH: A walk of shame.
- That was a bit of a walk of shame just then.
- It was.
Why do people have to walk successfully between two points? Let me ask, are you a Game Of Thrones fan? - Never seen it, have you? - Never seen it.
- You've never seen it? - No, never seen it.
Determined to invoice, Ivan produces a pre-approved still of Queen Cersei embarking on her Walk of Shame.
She did some pretty bad things .
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and it starts with the bell.
OK.
That's a lovely app.
Can I tell you something? You know who the actress is that plays that role? - Yeah, I know.
- Lena Headey? - Yes.
I just made a film with her recently, Fighting With My Family, available on Blu-ray, DVD and visual download.
I could give her a ring right now, if you want.
There's another problem.
This guy isn't even interested, couldn't even care less.
Before Stephen starts hawking his wares in the street, we hop on to the Ethnographic Museum, which features as a brothel in this most woke of shows.
Hello, prostitute, please? THEY LAUGH - And who was using the brothel in the show? - Oh, my God ErLittle Finger.
Don't worry if you can't remember him and you've never seen it, he's already dead.
- Spoiler alert! - Yeah! And on to the Pile Gate, main entrance to the old town and site of a famous battle scene.
My favourite character was here - Peter Dinklage.
- .
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Peter Dinklage.
Do you know he once stood on my back? - I'm not even making that up.
- Did he? - Yeah.
Actually, I was on This guy's not impressed by anything.
He's supposed to be a Game Of Thrones fan, - I've name-dropped twice now.
- He stood on your back? OK.
- No interest.
On you go, sir.
Don't have a strop, why did he stand on your back? - It's not There's no time.
- There's plenty.
- I know how fast this show moves.
- All we've got is time.
- I'll just Look - Why did he stand on your back? - I'll just begin the story and you'll cut to something else.
- All right.
- You being smug somewhere.
- Why did he stand on your back? - It's too late.
The secret of this show's lack of success is letting such slights dictate the edit, so now we're at the West Harbour, which doubles as Blackwater Bay in GoT.
Ah, OK, so that's They've put that in with CGI? Yeah, they've put the Red Keep at the very top of the walls - and they CGI'd some boats.
- Yes.
- They've put some props.
- Yes.
- Over there in the middle.
And this isn't nerdy? This is OK.
There's more people interested in this than in the history or the relics, so That's not entirely true cos we're not interested in these here.
- IVAN LAUGHS - Can I check something? Cos I'm sure I read that, in Game Of Thrones, Jon Snow died, is that right? - For the first time.
- But he still presents Channel 4 News.
That's what I thought! Is Krishnan Guru-Murthy OK or is he? - So, no, no - He's in and out.
- .
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he came back again.
- Murthy? - Murthy? - I killed him in that interview.
We've got about as much comic mileage out of the two people having the same name.
Thank you for the tour.
It's been a delight.
- Enjoy your time.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Peace be with you.
- Peace with you.
All right, we'll, um What a nerd.
Furious he was denied the follow-through on his set-up, I seek to console the Merch-man over some molluscs.
- Are you an oyster man? - Love an oyster.
- Course you do.
People who know their bivalves believe oysters from these shores to be the best in the world.
We plop down at Prora and I've pre-ordered a half doz per pers.
That looks great.
Gosh.
Do you have a? I don't suppose you have a windbreaker - you could bring out, do you? - Really? It's nice to be in Dubrovnik, but we could be in Great Yarmouth.
Please, don't put ideas in my head.
Thank you.
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE Now then, do you prefer to fork it or, um, just pop it straight in the mouth? I don't know why.
I've just made myself Roy Hudd called, he wants his axe back.
You've got to remember the youth of today have not heard all this stuff before.
OK.
I'm going to do this one, um, straight out the shell, down the gullet.
- Get ready for it.
- I'm ready.
I just think these are absolutely terrific.
They are also alternating hermaphrodites.
Start off male .
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spermatozoa's released and then turn female.
I think you've put me off me oysters.
- Food for thought.
- Well, indeed.
You've pre-ordered the drinks as well.
A glass of white wine for the gentleman - .
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and craft beer for the lady.
- And a craft beer for Cheers, to better times.
This worked out beautifully for me, wonderful company Thank you.
Or were you referring to your own company? No, touh, the extras.
Oh, OK.
Always plugging your work, aren't you? Always plugging it.
Molluscs munched, we move on.
Ta-ra, enjoy.
After a thrilling off-cam ascent, we arrive at Fort Imperial.
Built by the French in 1810, when Dubrovnik was under Napoleonic rule, it now fulfils its destiny as the starting point for a buggy safari.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Are we overdressed or are you underdressed, cos it's hard to tell? - Erm, you are.
- I don't know how you feel about this.
I mightI might just take these quite nice trousers Is this going to? What are you, are you Bucks Fizz? No, I just feel like I don't want to get these damaged.
- OK.
- So - It's a good choice.
This is one of the strangest things I've ever been a part of.
In a matter of mins, we mount up.
All right, let's do this.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
This is instantly unpleasant.
And for 150 more, Matteo motors forth.
Oh, dear, do we need a safety word if we get too panicked? How about pineapple? Pineapple? OK.
Pineapple, then.
All right, all right.
At what point does this become pleasurable? Filled with the composite broth of discomfort and fury, we make our first scheduled stop.
Ah, well.
It's amazing what they find that they can charge you for.
STEPHEN LAUGHS - Yeah.
- I mean, how is this a thing? I don't know.
This is I feel like I've been kidnapped.
- I'm strapped in, I'm basically in a plastic bag.
- Yeah! I don't know where I am.
Built in the 19th century, Strincjera Fort was bombarded in the 20th during the Croatian War for Independence.
- Just be careful - OK.
- .
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where you step .
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there are still some mines left around.
- There's still some what, sorry? - Sorry? There are still some mines left around.
- Well, how are we going to know? - Oh, I'll see you later, ta-ra.
- How are we going to know? - Step where I step.
I thought muddy trousers was my biggest worry.
I mean, there are still some around, so It's not worth checking to see if there are any left before doing a tour? Let's hope there are none around.
- Yeah - So Do you know what's better than hope? Checking.
That's even better than hope.
But it's more dangerous.
OK.
Bit of a nightmare, isn't it? Our closeness ever more manifest, Matteo promises to proceed with a pinch more humanity.
Oh Rather.
- Oh, this is grim.
- Yeah.
- It's so grim.
- Yeah.
You've got mud on your beard! I've got mud everywhere.
It's gone up the shorts.
After that stirring slow-mo, we come to a real-time stop here, whence we can peer at the Elafiti Islands, named after its now-departed deer population.
This is the money shot, but enough about my legs.
- Please.
- All right? Rachel Hunter over here.
- Rachel Hunter is your most up-to-date reference so far - Oh, yeah, that's right.
- .
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and no-one remembers who that is.
- I know my core demo.
All right, fair enough.
Stormzy.
- Thank you.
- Go on.
That small island over there, it's called Daksa.
- OK.
- They were executing people there in the Second World War.
It's a strange mix, this tour, isn't it, between doughnuts anddeath.
- We do our best.
- Yeah, go on.
And this is main Dubrovnik down there, is it? Yeah.
Just for clarity, in case anyone's Who are you, Judith Chalmers? Well, someone's got to do it.
Are you familiar with who Judith Chalmers is? Another person.
- People - She hasn't been on the telly for 25 years! Our demo is old.
Only old people can travel.
- Millennials are broke! Don't you read The Guardian? - You could have gone with anyone but Chalmers.
What am I meant to do, Palin? He's got too much gravitas to be compared with me.
- Oh, I remember when Alan Whicker was first here.
- Yes, Whicker.
- Evergreen riffs, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you, we're going to get an Uber now.
Come on.
Does it say four minutes? It'll end up being nine.
As we haul our clingfilmed physiques off cam, the sun dissolves, as does our diminishing dignity.
In the part social-media influencers are already calling two, we continue.
That is an M&S photoshoot.
I mean, if that's not luring the ladies over, I don't know what is.
It's affordable, it's wipe clean, it's 69.
99.
You rejoin Stephen Merchant and I, fact-ent pioneer Richard Ayoade, in Dubrovnik.
Very limited dock space.
You couldn't set Howards' Way here.
Day two starts with an incursion.
- How are you? - Wow, fine thank you.
- Thank you.
I mean, uncomfortable I think would sum it up.
- Wow, gosh, thank you very much.
- Could we order a bigger table? - Oh, good, the supplementary mushrooms.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Appreciate it, thank you.
- Bye! Well, that's got to be one of my most awkward interactions - that I've ever had.
- And you've had plenty.
- I find it very hard to be served.
- Do you? - I don't know what to do.
Do you feel like if you'd popped down to the kitchen and help prepare it? - I'd feel better.
- Let's plunge in.
- I'm just going to scrape some out.
- OK.
As we tuck in to the full Croatian, thoughts turn to questions of self.
Do you have the anxiety that I have that you won't make the, erm, BAFTA In Memoriam section? It's not an anxiety, it's a fact for me.
Cos that's one of the reasons I keep doing things like this show, is just to keep myself in the public consciousness of - the BAFTA voters.
- If you die that year, - you've not had a quiet year.
- Exactly.
There's at least something.
- Shall we bust? - Let's do it.
- OK.
- Yep, for elevenses, take that.
- Yes.
Ever suspicious of seamless segues, there's no real need to link what just happened with this.
How's your core strength? - Um I think strong.
- Yep? - Yeah.
Wellthis'll be a breeze for you, the Maskeron.
It's outside this Franciscan monastery, you balance on it, remove your top, I mean, I know you'll want to take your trousers off, but your top possibly.
And if you do that, you'll be lucky in love.
I see a problem straight away, which is that one of my feet is the same size.
That's right.
Go on, hop up.
Here we go.
- I mean, I can't see - That's very hard, it can't be done.
- It can't be done.
- I mean, please.
Here we go.
- Almost.
- Does that count? - I think so.
- Wow.
- This is compelling television, isn't it? - Here we go.
- Almost! Shall I put my hat down and let's see if we can make a living from this? - There are certain traditions that probably should have died out in the Middle Ages.
- Yeah.
Well, tell that to TripAdvisor.
Oh, why, is this a popular tourist attraction? - One of the most popular things.
- Really? - Yes.
It's a slow city.
I've noticed your neck has been exposed this entire trip.
- Well, absolutely.
- Shall we neaten that up? Yes, please.
Some say the cravat was invented right here in Croatia, and we have no intention of fact-checking it.
May I help you? What would you like to wear around your neck when you next fail to win an award? STEPHEN LAUGHS Here, what is known as a cravat started life as a scarf worn by 17th-century soldiers and was adopted into the French court before evolving into a tie.
Did you know that Dalmatian dogs originated from Dubrovnik? - Shut the door.
- Yeah.
- Really? They were used to pull the ropes on the boats through the history, that was their first purpose.
This would be wonderful and it'd really suit your magic act.
STEPHEN LAUGHS With an arm of neckwear, only taste separates us from aesthetic dominance.
What's this little bad boy here? Cos I notice this one has got some lettering.
- Ah, that means success - Bingo! .
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on Croatian language.
And what about this? That one is made only of one piece of silk and it's also limited, a number seven.
- Oh, there's only seven of these? - Yes.
- Seven.
OK.
- Now, that's working, isn't it? - It's a lovely tie.
It's bringing out thesort of red squares in my eyes.
And that's day to night.
You can wear that at a Rotary Club lunch, you can wear that yachting or you can wear that filing a police complaint.
- Have you been reading my diary? - Yeah.
- I think it's working, thank you.
- Shall I? - Please.
You've done that before.
Please.
It's not my first rodeo.
It's got a littletouch of, erm, the Roger Moore.
- Thank you.
- A reference I thought you'd enjoy.
- At last, yes.
- Yeah.
That's one option and I'll probably Yes, in case you get a job as a flight attendant - Yes, exactly.
- .
.
on, say, a low-cost airline.
Yes, I could hand out nuts at altitude.
Yeah, I've heard that.
- Yeah, shall we settle up? - Yep.
- Yep.
OK.
OK, um, how much in total? Erm, 6,400 kunas, please.
Wow.
I'm about 5,000 short.
I'm going to have to start taking cravats off.
How much is it now? Now it's 3,000.
And now? - 2,350.
- Blimey, this is Why don't we say that this is 2,350, no harm done? It's been a pleasure, erm, to be in your terribly expensive shop.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Dollar dropped, apologies withheld, we rock to the harbour.
Are you a boat lover? - I don't dislike a boat.
- OK.
By which I mean, I do like a boat.
OK, fine, we got there eventually.
- Sorry, I don't know why I made that so complicated.
- No, I understand.
We set sail on a 600m voyage across the Adriatic to the island of Lokrum, a nature reserve where, according to legend, Richard the Lionheart once foundered.
Now, is this the island that a local was telling me about? - The curse.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Would you fill me in or are you going to fill me in later when we hit the island? We've got to build up tension, so I think when we get there - That's quite a useful tease, though, isn't it? - It is, it's quite nice.
So we're heading to an island that has a curse.
- What's going to happen? - What's going to happen next? I'm notswitching off.
We have our act one, and now the anchor's in the drink.
But before we move on, a comic interlude to diffuse the tension.
I think we're looking dapper, we're looking like a couple of cool cats.
- We're not the only peacocks on this island.
- Here we go.
- There we go.
- All right.
I do like this look, but it sounds like you should be saying, "Secure the perimeter" into an earpiece.
We arrive at the 11th-c monastery It'll be lovely once it's finished.
.
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and bring our tale to its terrifying conclusion.
End of the 18th century, Napoleonic soldiers evicted the Benedictine monks.
On the night before their departure, they circled the island three times, hoods up, candles lit, turned upside down.
Said, "Anyone who takes Lokrum for its personal pleasure will be dammed.
" Oh, goodness, right.
But I don't think we're giving anyone any pleasure, so we're safe.
So what is to take it for pleasure? Does that mean if you were to perhaps open a small Airbnb here or? Those kind of things.
- An arcade.
- Yes, exactly, an arcade.
- Right.
Anon-topic ref.
Well, no, it is on topic in that there are still arcades.
Not that many, I mean, especially with home entertainment This is the problem, you have been travelling abroad for too long because if you pop back to Britain and go to any decent coastal town, you're going to find a good quality arcade, perhaps the little penny waterfall machine thing.
OK, they're still in business.
I thinkpeople PEACOCK CRIES Sorry, that's my WhatsApp ringtone.
- Yep, peacock dreams.
- Yeah.
- Who's that? - Oh.
- An offer of work? - It's The Rock.
I'm just going to back out of shot.
- Do you want to come with? - Yeah.
- Actually, turn round for the steps.
- Yeah.
We don't want the curse to kick in.
But the entertainment is far from over - Bit awkward really.
- It is.
.
.
because now, there's this.
Here, Dick, it's that bloody chair off that Game Of Thrones.
- I love that character - Yeah? .
.
and how you just seamlessly transitioned into that.
- Isn't that good? Can I sit on it? - Of course you can.
- I'd love to have a bloody go on it.
- Go on.
- Cheers.
Off he goes.
Ah, I feel like the king of thrones, - the Game Of Thrones, the king of the Game Of Thrones.
- Yeah.
We'll tighten it up in the edit, but I don't I've never seen this show so I don't know in what circumstance you would visit thethrone.
- I don't know.
- Have you perhaps come to settle some local, um, you know, - dispute, like a small claims court issue? - Yes, a lot of it is admin based from what I understand of the show.
- Do you want to have a go? - Why not? Yeah, no, I couldn't see myself while sitting there, but I think I probably wore it better.
- OK.
- I think you look more like a tourist to me, you don't look comfortable with that level of authority.
How dare you? I'm I feel like you belong here.
I'm the accessible face of authority.
Bucket list complete.
- STEPHEN LAUGHS Shall we? - Let's depart.
- If only a dragon could swoop in and whisk us away.
- Yeah.
But you don't have that kind of budget.
Within a slice of a trice, we take our place on a nearby wall Lucky to get a seat.
.
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in order to further state the obvious.
I hate to press you to highlights, Stephen, but what have they been? - This is going to shock you.
- Go on.
I enjoyed the Game Of Thrones tour, having never seen the show, because I thought it was a good opportunity to see Dubrovers up close and personal and also, I'm one of those movie and film nerds that just likes seeing where things were filmed.
Even if I haven't seen the things that were filmed.
What's your general view of Dubrovnik? - Can I ask you that? - Yes.
- Because, you know, I like a walled city.
Do you? What other walled cities are your favourites? - This is my first visit to a walled city.
- Yep.
- But But already you like them in general, I understand that.
- I like the idea of them.
- Yeah.
- Buggy ride was a bit too fast for my blood.
- Yeah.
I don't see how being kidnapped would feel vastly different to that.
- It seemed unnecessarily muddy.
- It did.
I'm surprised you haven't taken your trousers off for this summation of feeling.
- I still can if you? No? - That's OK.
- We're in a monastery, so - I don't want to surprise any peacocks and the place is cursed.
- That is right.
- And that's not an area that we want to bring more curses on.
- Speedy boarding? - Please.
- This way.
- If you point, it looks interesting.
- Oh, OK.
Next week, a two-day barrel round Bergen with Lou Sanders.
I wonder if our chemistry is going to read? Please, never use that term.
How in shiz can the sister get on point .
.
without getting peeved? But let not salt tears soak your saddle, for I, diminished and returned Richard Ayoade, am here to get your tiny trip tight.
Bound to a batch of exhausted entertainers, I'm going to globally gob off.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a double-day detainment in Croatia's Dubrovnik.
Over a mil and change minibreakers flock here to transfer the City of Light and Stone to their data files.
My companion this week is becapped comic Stephen Merchant.
I did ask to be the tallest man in the show.
Together, we will say what you see I think our faces will show how enjoyable this is.
.
.
scrape some shell I'm a wonderful dining companion because, not only am I a scintillating conversationalist, but there is nothing I won't put in my mouth.
.
.
and lead the witness.
Do you have, um, any washbags with Dalmatians on them? - We do.
- Oh, OK.
- We're here, but should we have come? - I bloody well hope so.
Please, it's pre-watershed.
Here we ruddy go in the old port of Dubrovnik and the convo's flowing like Kia-Ora.
The name Dubrovnik obviously comes from the word Dubrava, the Croatian word meaning grove.
It's got one of the oldest pharmacies in the world, which is welcome news, founded in 1317, in one of the Franciscan monasteries and there was actually a resolution passed during the time of the Republic of Dubrovnik, meaning that no-one could make any council decisions while the wind jugo was blowing.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, everyone knows that already, but why have you brought me to Dubrovnik? Why are you pre-empting a format point? The city formerly known as Ragusa is totally old.
Your boy Byron called it the "Pearl of the Adriatic", your gangsta George Bernard Shaw said it was "paradise on Earth", and some stone-cold ballers on TripAdvisor said they might well come again.
Over aeons, this fortified nook has rebuffed and/or withstood some 9th-century Saracens, the late 20th-century Yugoslav People's Army members, mid-period Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, and a whole throng of contemporary Throne Heads, hooked on sandals, swords, and quasi-chivalric copulation.
We collar the nearest man in blue shirt and chinos Hello.
.
.
and make him take us to our quarters, deep in the old town's crevices, where ballers like us could crack on for 48 for under three-tonne.
- UNESCO World Heritage site - Oh, yeah? - .
.
as of 1979.
Now, what does that mean exactly? Is that like a BAFTA for cities? I think it just restricts the way you can get cable.
STEPHEN LAUGHS If these city walls could talk, they'd say, "We range from 1m to 6m thick.
" I like to be safe from attack.
After a 10-min trot through one of the world's best-preserved medieval cities, this is all we can come up with.
- Be so much easier if they just tarmacked this whole thing.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Or if we just stayed at home.
- Yeah.
- That would be ideal.
- Now you're talking my language! It's very hard to get that commissioned - I have tried.
STEPHEN LAUGHS - Thank you.
- Thank you so much, it's really appreciated.
- It's very kind of you.
- Bye! - Were we supposed to have tipped? - Ah, it's a bit late.
Hope you like cream on beige.
St Joseph's is a 16th-c six-bed townhouse with at least two separate cake stations.
- That's you.
- This is me? Great, ta-ra.
Look, high ceilings.
Appropriate.
Good, excellent, got the door knockers Got the door knockers on the back of the chairs .
.
as requested.
Wow! It's like if The White Company did room service.
Of course, normally, I always ask for a room with a kitchen in the cupboard.
Let's just check if Yeah, perfect, good, cos I was worried they might have forgotten that.
Good, everything in order.
According to the mavericks at the Institute of Economics in Zagreb, over a quarter of the tourists who come to Du-to-the-Brovnik are simply searching for locations used in Game Of Thrones.
And thus, we take our tails to the Jesuit steps They need to fix that step, there's something wrong with it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
.
.
where guide Ivan is scoping the very same spot as one of the show's most massively-moving scenes.
I will show you this Walk of Shame from Game Of Thrones.
- Oh.
- BOTH: A walk of shame.
- That was a bit of a walk of shame just then.
- It was.
Why do people have to walk successfully between two points? Let me ask, are you a Game Of Thrones fan? - Never seen it, have you? - Never seen it.
- You've never seen it? - No, never seen it.
Determined to invoice, Ivan produces a pre-approved still of Queen Cersei embarking on her Walk of Shame.
She did some pretty bad things .
.
and it starts with the bell.
OK.
That's a lovely app.
Can I tell you something? You know who the actress is that plays that role? - Yeah, I know.
- Lena Headey? - Yes.
I just made a film with her recently, Fighting With My Family, available on Blu-ray, DVD and visual download.
I could give her a ring right now, if you want.
There's another problem.
This guy isn't even interested, couldn't even care less.
Before Stephen starts hawking his wares in the street, we hop on to the Ethnographic Museum, which features as a brothel in this most woke of shows.
Hello, prostitute, please? THEY LAUGH - And who was using the brothel in the show? - Oh, my God ErLittle Finger.
Don't worry if you can't remember him and you've never seen it, he's already dead.
- Spoiler alert! - Yeah! And on to the Pile Gate, main entrance to the old town and site of a famous battle scene.
My favourite character was here - Peter Dinklage.
- .
.
Peter Dinklage.
Do you know he once stood on my back? - I'm not even making that up.
- Did he? - Yeah.
Actually, I was on This guy's not impressed by anything.
He's supposed to be a Game Of Thrones fan, - I've name-dropped twice now.
- He stood on your back? OK.
- No interest.
On you go, sir.
Don't have a strop, why did he stand on your back? - It's not There's no time.
- There's plenty.
- I know how fast this show moves.
- All we've got is time.
- I'll just Look - Why did he stand on your back? - I'll just begin the story and you'll cut to something else.
- All right.
- You being smug somewhere.
- Why did he stand on your back? - It's too late.
The secret of this show's lack of success is letting such slights dictate the edit, so now we're at the West Harbour, which doubles as Blackwater Bay in GoT.
Ah, OK, so that's They've put that in with CGI? Yeah, they've put the Red Keep at the very top of the walls - and they CGI'd some boats.
- Yes.
- They've put some props.
- Yes.
- Over there in the middle.
And this isn't nerdy? This is OK.
There's more people interested in this than in the history or the relics, so That's not entirely true cos we're not interested in these here.
- IVAN LAUGHS - Can I check something? Cos I'm sure I read that, in Game Of Thrones, Jon Snow died, is that right? - For the first time.
- But he still presents Channel 4 News.
That's what I thought! Is Krishnan Guru-Murthy OK or is he? - So, no, no - He's in and out.
- .
.
he came back again.
- Murthy? - Murthy? - I killed him in that interview.
We've got about as much comic mileage out of the two people having the same name.
Thank you for the tour.
It's been a delight.
- Enjoy your time.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Peace be with you.
- Peace with you.
All right, we'll, um What a nerd.
Furious he was denied the follow-through on his set-up, I seek to console the Merch-man over some molluscs.
- Are you an oyster man? - Love an oyster.
- Course you do.
People who know their bivalves believe oysters from these shores to be the best in the world.
We plop down at Prora and I've pre-ordered a half doz per pers.
That looks great.
Gosh.
Do you have a? I don't suppose you have a windbreaker - you could bring out, do you? - Really? It's nice to be in Dubrovnik, but we could be in Great Yarmouth.
Please, don't put ideas in my head.
Thank you.
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE Now then, do you prefer to fork it or, um, just pop it straight in the mouth? I don't know why.
I've just made myself Roy Hudd called, he wants his axe back.
You've got to remember the youth of today have not heard all this stuff before.
OK.
I'm going to do this one, um, straight out the shell, down the gullet.
- Get ready for it.
- I'm ready.
I just think these are absolutely terrific.
They are also alternating hermaphrodites.
Start off male .
.
spermatozoa's released and then turn female.
I think you've put me off me oysters.
- Food for thought.
- Well, indeed.
You've pre-ordered the drinks as well.
A glass of white wine for the gentleman - .
.
and craft beer for the lady.
- And a craft beer for Cheers, to better times.
This worked out beautifully for me, wonderful company Thank you.
Or were you referring to your own company? No, touh, the extras.
Oh, OK.
Always plugging your work, aren't you? Always plugging it.
Molluscs munched, we move on.
Ta-ra, enjoy.
After a thrilling off-cam ascent, we arrive at Fort Imperial.
Built by the French in 1810, when Dubrovnik was under Napoleonic rule, it now fulfils its destiny as the starting point for a buggy safari.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Are we overdressed or are you underdressed, cos it's hard to tell? - Erm, you are.
- I don't know how you feel about this.
I mightI might just take these quite nice trousers Is this going to? What are you, are you Bucks Fizz? No, I just feel like I don't want to get these damaged.
- OK.
- So - It's a good choice.
This is one of the strangest things I've ever been a part of.
In a matter of mins, we mount up.
All right, let's do this.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
This is instantly unpleasant.
And for 150 more, Matteo motors forth.
Oh, dear, do we need a safety word if we get too panicked? How about pineapple? Pineapple? OK.
Pineapple, then.
All right, all right.
At what point does this become pleasurable? Filled with the composite broth of discomfort and fury, we make our first scheduled stop.
Ah, well.
It's amazing what they find that they can charge you for.
STEPHEN LAUGHS - Yeah.
- I mean, how is this a thing? I don't know.
This is I feel like I've been kidnapped.
- I'm strapped in, I'm basically in a plastic bag.
- Yeah! I don't know where I am.
Built in the 19th century, Strincjera Fort was bombarded in the 20th during the Croatian War for Independence.
- Just be careful - OK.
- .
.
where you step .
.
there are still some mines left around.
- There's still some what, sorry? - Sorry? There are still some mines left around.
- Well, how are we going to know? - Oh, I'll see you later, ta-ra.
- How are we going to know? - Step where I step.
I thought muddy trousers was my biggest worry.
I mean, there are still some around, so It's not worth checking to see if there are any left before doing a tour? Let's hope there are none around.
- Yeah - So Do you know what's better than hope? Checking.
That's even better than hope.
But it's more dangerous.
OK.
Bit of a nightmare, isn't it? Our closeness ever more manifest, Matteo promises to proceed with a pinch more humanity.
Oh Rather.
- Oh, this is grim.
- Yeah.
- It's so grim.
- Yeah.
You've got mud on your beard! I've got mud everywhere.
It's gone up the shorts.
After that stirring slow-mo, we come to a real-time stop here, whence we can peer at the Elafiti Islands, named after its now-departed deer population.
This is the money shot, but enough about my legs.
- Please.
- All right? Rachel Hunter over here.
- Rachel Hunter is your most up-to-date reference so far - Oh, yeah, that's right.
- .
.
and no-one remembers who that is.
- I know my core demo.
All right, fair enough.
Stormzy.
- Thank you.
- Go on.
That small island over there, it's called Daksa.
- OK.
- They were executing people there in the Second World War.
It's a strange mix, this tour, isn't it, between doughnuts anddeath.
- We do our best.
- Yeah, go on.
And this is main Dubrovnik down there, is it? Yeah.
Just for clarity, in case anyone's Who are you, Judith Chalmers? Well, someone's got to do it.
Are you familiar with who Judith Chalmers is? Another person.
- People - She hasn't been on the telly for 25 years! Our demo is old.
Only old people can travel.
- Millennials are broke! Don't you read The Guardian? - You could have gone with anyone but Chalmers.
What am I meant to do, Palin? He's got too much gravitas to be compared with me.
- Oh, I remember when Alan Whicker was first here.
- Yes, Whicker.
- Evergreen riffs, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you, we're going to get an Uber now.
Come on.
Does it say four minutes? It'll end up being nine.
As we haul our clingfilmed physiques off cam, the sun dissolves, as does our diminishing dignity.
In the part social-media influencers are already calling two, we continue.
That is an M&S photoshoot.
I mean, if that's not luring the ladies over, I don't know what is.
It's affordable, it's wipe clean, it's 69.
99.
You rejoin Stephen Merchant and I, fact-ent pioneer Richard Ayoade, in Dubrovnik.
Very limited dock space.
You couldn't set Howards' Way here.
Day two starts with an incursion.
- How are you? - Wow, fine thank you.
- Thank you.
I mean, uncomfortable I think would sum it up.
- Wow, gosh, thank you very much.
- Could we order a bigger table? - Oh, good, the supplementary mushrooms.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Appreciate it, thank you.
- Bye! Well, that's got to be one of my most awkward interactions - that I've ever had.
- And you've had plenty.
- I find it very hard to be served.
- Do you? - I don't know what to do.
Do you feel like if you'd popped down to the kitchen and help prepare it? - I'd feel better.
- Let's plunge in.
- I'm just going to scrape some out.
- OK.
As we tuck in to the full Croatian, thoughts turn to questions of self.
Do you have the anxiety that I have that you won't make the, erm, BAFTA In Memoriam section? It's not an anxiety, it's a fact for me.
Cos that's one of the reasons I keep doing things like this show, is just to keep myself in the public consciousness of - the BAFTA voters.
- If you die that year, - you've not had a quiet year.
- Exactly.
There's at least something.
- Shall we bust? - Let's do it.
- OK.
- Yep, for elevenses, take that.
- Yes.
Ever suspicious of seamless segues, there's no real need to link what just happened with this.
How's your core strength? - Um I think strong.
- Yep? - Yeah.
Wellthis'll be a breeze for you, the Maskeron.
It's outside this Franciscan monastery, you balance on it, remove your top, I mean, I know you'll want to take your trousers off, but your top possibly.
And if you do that, you'll be lucky in love.
I see a problem straight away, which is that one of my feet is the same size.
That's right.
Go on, hop up.
Here we go.
- I mean, I can't see - That's very hard, it can't be done.
- It can't be done.
- I mean, please.
Here we go.
- Almost.
- Does that count? - I think so.
- Wow.
- This is compelling television, isn't it? - Here we go.
- Almost! Shall I put my hat down and let's see if we can make a living from this? - There are certain traditions that probably should have died out in the Middle Ages.
- Yeah.
Well, tell that to TripAdvisor.
Oh, why, is this a popular tourist attraction? - One of the most popular things.
- Really? - Yes.
It's a slow city.
I've noticed your neck has been exposed this entire trip.
- Well, absolutely.
- Shall we neaten that up? Yes, please.
Some say the cravat was invented right here in Croatia, and we have no intention of fact-checking it.
May I help you? What would you like to wear around your neck when you next fail to win an award? STEPHEN LAUGHS Here, what is known as a cravat started life as a scarf worn by 17th-century soldiers and was adopted into the French court before evolving into a tie.
Did you know that Dalmatian dogs originated from Dubrovnik? - Shut the door.
- Yeah.
- Really? They were used to pull the ropes on the boats through the history, that was their first purpose.
This would be wonderful and it'd really suit your magic act.
STEPHEN LAUGHS With an arm of neckwear, only taste separates us from aesthetic dominance.
What's this little bad boy here? Cos I notice this one has got some lettering.
- Ah, that means success - Bingo! .
.
on Croatian language.
And what about this? That one is made only of one piece of silk and it's also limited, a number seven.
- Oh, there's only seven of these? - Yes.
- Seven.
OK.
- Now, that's working, isn't it? - It's a lovely tie.
It's bringing out thesort of red squares in my eyes.
And that's day to night.
You can wear that at a Rotary Club lunch, you can wear that yachting or you can wear that filing a police complaint.
- Have you been reading my diary? - Yeah.
- I think it's working, thank you.
- Shall I? - Please.
You've done that before.
Please.
It's not my first rodeo.
It's got a littletouch of, erm, the Roger Moore.
- Thank you.
- A reference I thought you'd enjoy.
- At last, yes.
- Yeah.
That's one option and I'll probably Yes, in case you get a job as a flight attendant - Yes, exactly.
- .
.
on, say, a low-cost airline.
Yes, I could hand out nuts at altitude.
Yeah, I've heard that.
- Yeah, shall we settle up? - Yep.
- Yep.
OK.
OK, um, how much in total? Erm, 6,400 kunas, please.
Wow.
I'm about 5,000 short.
I'm going to have to start taking cravats off.
How much is it now? Now it's 3,000.
And now? - 2,350.
- Blimey, this is Why don't we say that this is 2,350, no harm done? It's been a pleasure, erm, to be in your terribly expensive shop.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Dollar dropped, apologies withheld, we rock to the harbour.
Are you a boat lover? - I don't dislike a boat.
- OK.
By which I mean, I do like a boat.
OK, fine, we got there eventually.
- Sorry, I don't know why I made that so complicated.
- No, I understand.
We set sail on a 600m voyage across the Adriatic to the island of Lokrum, a nature reserve where, according to legend, Richard the Lionheart once foundered.
Now, is this the island that a local was telling me about? - The curse.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Would you fill me in or are you going to fill me in later when we hit the island? We've got to build up tension, so I think when we get there - That's quite a useful tease, though, isn't it? - It is, it's quite nice.
So we're heading to an island that has a curse.
- What's going to happen? - What's going to happen next? I'm notswitching off.
We have our act one, and now the anchor's in the drink.
But before we move on, a comic interlude to diffuse the tension.
I think we're looking dapper, we're looking like a couple of cool cats.
- We're not the only peacocks on this island.
- Here we go.
- There we go.
- All right.
I do like this look, but it sounds like you should be saying, "Secure the perimeter" into an earpiece.
We arrive at the 11th-c monastery It'll be lovely once it's finished.
.
.
and bring our tale to its terrifying conclusion.
End of the 18th century, Napoleonic soldiers evicted the Benedictine monks.
On the night before their departure, they circled the island three times, hoods up, candles lit, turned upside down.
Said, "Anyone who takes Lokrum for its personal pleasure will be dammed.
" Oh, goodness, right.
But I don't think we're giving anyone any pleasure, so we're safe.
So what is to take it for pleasure? Does that mean if you were to perhaps open a small Airbnb here or? Those kind of things.
- An arcade.
- Yes, exactly, an arcade.
- Right.
Anon-topic ref.
Well, no, it is on topic in that there are still arcades.
Not that many, I mean, especially with home entertainment This is the problem, you have been travelling abroad for too long because if you pop back to Britain and go to any decent coastal town, you're going to find a good quality arcade, perhaps the little penny waterfall machine thing.
OK, they're still in business.
I thinkpeople PEACOCK CRIES Sorry, that's my WhatsApp ringtone.
- Yep, peacock dreams.
- Yeah.
- Who's that? - Oh.
- An offer of work? - It's The Rock.
I'm just going to back out of shot.
- Do you want to come with? - Yeah.
- Actually, turn round for the steps.
- Yeah.
We don't want the curse to kick in.
But the entertainment is far from over - Bit awkward really.
- It is.
.
.
because now, there's this.
Here, Dick, it's that bloody chair off that Game Of Thrones.
- I love that character - Yeah? .
.
and how you just seamlessly transitioned into that.
- Isn't that good? Can I sit on it? - Of course you can.
- I'd love to have a bloody go on it.
- Go on.
- Cheers.
Off he goes.
Ah, I feel like the king of thrones, - the Game Of Thrones, the king of the Game Of Thrones.
- Yeah.
We'll tighten it up in the edit, but I don't I've never seen this show so I don't know in what circumstance you would visit thethrone.
- I don't know.
- Have you perhaps come to settle some local, um, you know, - dispute, like a small claims court issue? - Yes, a lot of it is admin based from what I understand of the show.
- Do you want to have a go? - Why not? Yeah, no, I couldn't see myself while sitting there, but I think I probably wore it better.
- OK.
- I think you look more like a tourist to me, you don't look comfortable with that level of authority.
How dare you? I'm I feel like you belong here.
I'm the accessible face of authority.
Bucket list complete.
- STEPHEN LAUGHS Shall we? - Let's depart.
- If only a dragon could swoop in and whisk us away.
- Yeah.
But you don't have that kind of budget.
Within a slice of a trice, we take our place on a nearby wall Lucky to get a seat.
.
.
in order to further state the obvious.
I hate to press you to highlights, Stephen, but what have they been? - This is going to shock you.
- Go on.
I enjoyed the Game Of Thrones tour, having never seen the show, because I thought it was a good opportunity to see Dubrovers up close and personal and also, I'm one of those movie and film nerds that just likes seeing where things were filmed.
Even if I haven't seen the things that were filmed.
What's your general view of Dubrovnik? - Can I ask you that? - Yes.
- Because, you know, I like a walled city.
Do you? What other walled cities are your favourites? - This is my first visit to a walled city.
- Yep.
- But But already you like them in general, I understand that.
- I like the idea of them.
- Yeah.
- Buggy ride was a bit too fast for my blood.
- Yeah.
I don't see how being kidnapped would feel vastly different to that.
- It seemed unnecessarily muddy.
- It did.
I'm surprised you haven't taken your trousers off for this summation of feeling.
- I still can if you? No? - That's OK.
- We're in a monastery, so - I don't want to surprise any peacocks and the place is cursed.
- That is right.
- And that's not an area that we want to bring more curses on.
- Speedy boarding? - Please.
- This way.
- If you point, it looks interesting.
- Oh, OK.
Next week, a two-day barrel round Bergen with Lou Sanders.
I wonder if our chemistry is going to read? Please, never use that term.