Travel Man (2015) s10e03 Episode Script
Krakow
To mini break is to sup the cup of the mug.
How in shiz can a sister get on point, without getting peeved? But do not let salt tears soak your bosom for I, the Captain of Chaf Richard Ayoade, am here to get your tiny trips crisp.
Bound to a bushel of exhausted entertainers, I'm going to globally gob off.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a full-ish 48 in Krakow.
Poland's second city and cultural capital has been open for business since the Stone Age.
Joining me to delve into its crack is comedian, Joe Wilkinson.
You know I'm hot don't you, I'm really hot.
I do know you're hot.
Why do you think you were booked? Together we will flirt I'm going to get very windy during this sequence.
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beg for mercy We're in a tin box.
Please don't hurt us, thank you.
That was close.
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and demand the truth.
Can I ask about this Himalayan pink salt, is that just nonsense? - Yes.
- Thank you.
- Thank you! Finally someone has had the courage to say it.
We're here, but should we have come? - Hello, Richard.
- Hi.
We touch down just in time for the camera to find us.
We've just passed through St Florian's gate, one of an octet that lead into the city, this being the most important and the one through which dignitaries and returning victors would pass in medieval times.
It's a symbol of the city, Joe.
You can use all the long words you like, Richard, but why have you brought me to Krakow? Don't pre-empt a format point.
Dating back to the 7th C, Krakow, 'Krako', 'Krakowth' or 'Krakoff' is Poland's most popular and inconsistently pronounced tourist target, attracting 9.
5 mil bods per ann to creep round its cobbles.
The city's a sucker for celebration with annual festivals dedicated to film, jazz, Chopin, Joseph Conrad, Jewish culture, photography, street theatre and my old enemy, dumplings, of which more in the due-ness of course.
Luminaries who've lolloped through the locality include astronomical legend, ya boy, Copernicus, the perennially problematic Roman Polanski, the pre-eminently papal John Paul II and Helena Rubinstein, the cosmetics genius who made your mascara waterproof.
It's possible to drop so little coin on a weekend in Krakow that it makes a brother's day to day dealings seem like a debauch.
I can't go straight out.
What do you need to do? - I'll have a bath probably.
- You're not going to have a bath.
It's my weekend as much as yours.
The Puro Hotel is a second unit camera man's dream, showcasing local art, an in-house bakery and this attractive timetable.
- Do you have complimentary board games by the way? - Yeah, we have.
- Do you have Buckaroo? - Buckaroo? - Oh, I don't think so.
I only really play Buckaroo, so I'm out.
Connect Four? Or Twister? Yeah, we have Twister.
- OK, Twister for one.
- OK.
- 151 and as soon as possible, thank you.
- OK.
- Is it possible to have it there before I arrive? - Yeah.
- Great, thank you.
- Thanks.
- Brilliant.
With 228 competitively priced rooms, I de-trouser an extra 32 and secure the Executive Suite It's unmistakably Polish.
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while Joe has a breakdown.
Lewa noga, yellow.
Prava rega, blue.
I remember it being more difficult.
This is a fun episode of Columbo.
- Hello, mate.
- How are you? I'm tired.
I was playing for ages.
- Who won, by the way? - It was a draw.
OK, I'll see you downstairs.
Lest lethargy derail these fact-ent events, we crank up the incidental music and head to Europe's largest medieval square, Rynek Glowny.
You wouldn't hire that extra again, would you? Drawing focus.
What a square! 40,000 square metres of it.
- I love it.
- 1257, it was designed and it's one of the first on the UNESCO World Heritage sites.
And it has not dated.
Thanks for bringing me.
- Cloth Hall.
- Yeah? 700 years in business.
- Cloth is one of my favourite words, actually.
- Is it? - Yeah.
The Basilica of the Holy Virgin, 13th-century, the most important church in Krakow.
It's quite a lot to take in.
And Adam Mickiewicz, Poland's pre-eminent poet, so And do you have to say his name like that? You don't have to but if you're not quite sure of the pronunciation You just style it out.
Yeah, yeah, let's keep it in.
- So you know what also happened here, as of 1994? - What? Dachshund parade.
Sausage dogs dressed up.
- Imagine the fun you can have.
- When's that? Tell me it's today.
- It's not today sadly.
- Oh, for - BLEEP.
- That's right.
- I'm going to need to sit down.
Let's do it over there.
There's a lot of low flying birds.
Before we go the full Tippi Hedren, we power stride to a pre-booked baking workshop to tackle Krakow's sig salty snack.
- We're going to learn how to make obwarzanek krakowski.
- What? It's a precursor to the bagel.
It's in here.
The precursor to the bagel? It's a precursor, yes, it's like the Hobbit but a bagel.
Oh, OK, do you mean before? Over 60 savage mins, Susa will subtly undermine us as we pound our respective rings.
OK, so, first we need to knead the dough in your hands.
You're going to feel that it is not sticky at all.
- You feel that? - It's a little bit sticky, I don't want to - Mine's really sticky.
- So sticky.
Oh, my God.
It's not sticky at all.
OK, now need to divide our dough in half and you just need to push it to the table.
Push it to the table, Joe.
That's one of my favourite Boyz II Men songs actually, Push It To The Table.
I don't understand why mine's not getting longer.
- Put your back into it.
- Come on, come on! Nobody said that it is easy working in the bakery, OK? No-one ever said it was easy.
My command in clear evidence, we plait What's happening there? I see potential for this to go wrong.
Oh, no, no.
Wrong way, wrong way! .
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and identify our rings.
It's my nickname.
- And I've written The Duck.
- Yeah.
- I'm called The Duck.
- OK.
Then, Susa takes shiz next level.
Before we put it to the oven, we need to put it to the hot boiling water because of the yeast raising and we just want to stop that.
- What? - Sure.
- OK.
You're cool with that? I'm not going to argue with 600 years of baking history.
I don't know how cool I am about that.
After a legit quick dunk, we take it to the toppings.
- Salt.
- Salt? OK.
- I'll go grain.
- So that's poppy seeds.
Poppy seeds.
She's doing all of it.
Did you want? She didn't even let me participate.
OK, so now I will take our obwarzanek to the oven.
Yes.
I wanted to do that.
It's meant to be a workshop.
After approx eight mins at 180 degrees, our rings are ruddy baked.
OK, so your obwarzanek are ready.
I'm pretty impressed.
They look good.
- Can we eat them? - Yeah, you can.
No, they not that hot! - You see? - Oh! Reactions, etc? Delicious and hot.
My one's quite salty.
There is one more thing.
- Certification? - Yeah.
- Yes! - Joe, it's you.
- Thank you.
And that's for you.
Yes.
I will treasure this and thank you for the opportunity.
This will go in my hallway.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye! This sista loves salt so what on Earth would stop me from strutting right out of town towards the nearest salt mine? - Where are we? - We're going to a salt mine.
- That's a salt mine? - Do you go to salt mines often? I haven't been for weeks.
It's 800 steps.
The Wieliczka Salt Mine It's like a Harvesters in a blackout.
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has been open doors since the 13th century.
We descend to the underground lair of Agata - Hello, gentlemen.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
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and follow in the salinated steps of see screen for details, as we pass an underground lake - Is this fully saturated brine? - Yes, you are right.
- Oh, thank you.
- It is fully saturated brine.
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before arriving at the mine's chief attraction, St Kinga Chapel Absolutely incredible.
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which miners carved entirely out of sodium.
This is the maddest thing I think I've ever seen.
- So sorry, those chandeliers are made of salt? - Yes.
- Is that salt? - Yes.
- The walls are salt.
- Floor? - Yes.
- Ceiling? - Yes.
- Yeah.
This is amazing.
It's definitely worth the thousands of steps to get here.
No, it was 800 steps.
It was thousands.
- All the routes to the depth of 135 metres is about 800 steps.
- Ssh! I can feel this getting nasty.
Let's just agree, say 2,000 steps.
Available for weddings, concerts and weekly mass, the chapel is lousy with salt-carved reliefs.
- Salt again? - Salt again.
Actually, this is the only one that shows perfectly that our miners weren't professional artists.
They committed a mistake, maybe you can guess.
- OK, hairstyles are out of date.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Fringe? - A baby can be hairy.
- So it's something relating to the donkey.
- Yeah.
- Sadness in the eyes? - No.
I've got it, he's leaning, he's leaning.
- Yes.
- Oh, really? You wouldn't have two legs on the ground and the other two bent.
Oh, so I was right? Let's not make it petty.
I think I won.
Don't make it petty.
- Who? Who won? - Both.
- Both? - Yeah.
- So, that's a draw so you didn't really.
- It's not really Is there anything else made from salt here? Yes, let's go the other side.
- Come on.
- Magnificent.
- Belter.
- The ceiling is very suspect-y.
- Yeah.
It feels like it's deep, but it's not, it's actually not deep.
When you see something like this, I suddenly realise that I'm not achieving much.
Like I've been to the gym three times in, like, a year.
Please, you're more chiselled than that.
Finally, we pay our respects to Kracovian pontiff, J to the P to the second, who visited the mines in pre-Papal mode.
We've had a ball.
You have a beautiful salt mine.
Heck of an outfit you've got here.
- Yeah, love your buttons.
- 29 buttons! 29? Can't have too many buttons, never forget that.
Thank you again.
Thank you very much.
- See you soon.
- Why would you see her soon? I don't know.
I panicked.
We resurface with a savage thirst and search out a local libation in the old Jewish quarter of Kazimierz.
You're about to have your beer syruped.
What does that mean? They put syrup in their beer.
Here in Poland, it's what they do.
Hevre, which is Hebrew slang for friends, has been transformed into one of the city's best backdrops for self-archiving.
Joe this used to be a house of prayer.
- Quoi? Quoi? - And now it's a boozer.
Let's sit down.
- A lot of the original frescos.
- The original what? - Frescos.
- Pictures.
- Frescoes.
- You mean pictures.
No.
Try taking that picture off the wall.
- Frescoes.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- Dzie dobry.
Hi.
- Yes, what would you like? - Piwo z sokiem.
Two raspberries, two ginger and then two regular ones so we can taste the difference between them.
- Are you ordering for me? - I am.
- I love that about you.
- Thank you.
- OK.
You won't find a much better shot of someone syruping beer, nor this one of a bit of harmless hi-jinx.
One, two, three, go.
- Very nice.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
This has all the makings of a Chumba Wumba song.
Right can we get this one out the way? - Ginger first? - Yeah.
Cheers! To better times.
It's all right.
That's a good message to send out to kids, isn't it? Buy six.
This could take a wrong turn.
Argh, it gets worse! Ginger.
This is like a Christmas beer.
Argh, I hate Christmas.
- They serve this hot in winter.
- What's wrong with them? If it had been hot, I'd smash the place up.
Just to summarise, what's your favourite? Regular, the kind of beer you can get anywhere.
Just a lovely beer.
Second favourite? - Raspberry.
- Raspberry.
Third? - Ginger.
And even worse than that if it were hot.
Cheers! As Joe becomes a young Shirley Valentine What you doing later? - I'm going to be here.
- With who? - Cheers! - Cheers! .
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day one draws stumps.
Coming up, more footage.
It's very flexible.
That's what you want in a crash.
You re-join comic Joe Wilkinson and I, Richard Ayoade, the victim of a clerical error.
I hope our Trabant is on time.
Day two in Krakow starts with some comm to the unism.
- Um, we're not getting in that, are we? - Here we go.
No, keep going, keep going.
No, that's it.
That's not ours.
- Hello, guys.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Aska, nice to meet you.
- Aska, Richard.
- Hello, hello.
- Aska, Joe.
All right, so you can pop in.
Hi.
Oh Well, that's an elegant entrance.
Ha-ha! Whoa! Do the seats go forward at all? - No, no.
- Joe, I've barely got any legroom in here whatsoever.
OK.
Aska gives us a fume-filled, 2.
5-hour taste of life in a classless society.
I was feeling nervous and then I saw this tiny handle.
Oh, that is good.
We chunder to the district of Nowa Huta, Stalin's showcase suburb of socialist realism and one of only two pre-planned pinko neighbourhoods in the world.
This year, actually, is the 70th anniversary of the district.
- 70th anniversary? - Yes.
- How many years? - 70.
I can't really hear at the back because of the huge amount of rattling.
What are they doing to celebrate? - They renovated some roads.
- OK.
That's how I celebrated my 18th.
Intended to be a workers' paradise, Nowa Huta is centred on the steelworks from which it takes its name.
This is the main entrance to the factory.
You could hire it out for weddings.
After 20 scarcely suspended mins, we arrive at the Avenue of Roses.
- From now on, we're comrades.
- Ooh.
- OK.
- Yeah? - This is a workplace, Joe.
- Yeah.
- No touching? - No, no touching.
- Get your stinking hands off me.
- Sorry.
You need to be very strict, serious.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
Well, I might head off then.
This is the most representative part - for all the marches, propaganda speeches.
- Yes.
- It's no place for like - Eroticism.
- Exactly.
- No kissing about.
So, back in the day, we used to have the highest statue of Lenin here.
- Ah! - OK, lovely.
- Short and skinny guy in reality - Yes.
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but on the statue - six-pack underneath his vest.
- What do you think is under here? - Yeah, well But, anyway, as you can see, we get rid of him.
So, essentially, we have come to look at something - that is no longer here.
- Exactly.
- I think we're going to jump in.
- OK, back in the death machine.
- Back in the car.
- I don't want to get in.
- It's not that bad.
That could be this show's tag line, "It's not that bad.
" THEY LAUGH As our remaining audience begs to differ, we buckle up for some more "#Trabantz.
" Does it have indicators? Don't be so bourgeois.
I like to know if we're going left or right.
As we're in the communist district, - we're going the left.
- We're going left, Joe.
We're in a tin box, please don't hurt us.
Thank you.
That was close.
It's absolutely fine.
This is very durable fibreglass.
It's very flexible.
That's what you want in a crash.
Closer than ever, we reach our final stop .
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an actual apartment full of soviet shiz.
- Here is vodka and pickles.
- Thank you.
Because there's going to be a bit of a brainwashing process going on, so alcohol helps with it.
We're watching Love Island? - Contemporary.
- Please.
We simply can't wait to watch the 1951 propaganda classic, Destination Nova Huta.
And what's more, we don't have to.
- I have massive hands, so this glass looks tiny.
- Mm.
Mm.
We've been there.
I could get quite into the vodka.
JOE SPLUTTERS - HOARSELY: Yeah, me too.
- Now I'm retiring, I know how I'm going to spend my days.
Just drinking this in Peckham.
Watching Eastern Bloc visuals.
There's a lot of clapping, isn't there? In your head? Mm.
Aargh! WHISPERS: My gums ache.
This is the longest ten minutes of my life.
Please, have pity for the people watching.
Oh, it's over.
- Finished.
- Gone.
- How, was it? Oh, it was really good.
- Are you convinced? - Yes.
You're going to sign the papers, - leave your bourgeoisie hell life behind you? - Yes, please.
- Yes.
I absolutely can't bear the bourgeoisie.
Yeah? How was vodka anyway? So strong.
- We are struggling to form sentences.
- Mm.
ASKA LAUGHS What better way to combat the engulfing heatwave than with a cornerstone of Krakowian cuisine? - This place does dumplings.
- Yes, please.
Boiled or sometimes fried with a crudload of fillings, pierogi have been made in Poland since the 13th century.
Oh, look at this, almost on cue.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Thank you.
Can I bring it to viewers' attentions that it's 35 degrees in this hellhole? Mm.
That is delightful.
These are very nice dumplings.
Do you know when national pierogi day is? Eighth of October.
Do you know how I remember? - It's Bruno Mars' Birthday.
- It is.
HUMS UPTOWN FUNK BY BRUNO MARS CONTINUE HUMMING That is warm.
That's 35 degrees, that is.
This is like a bath.
I would say that we can't tell from your face how hot it is, but that wouldn't be true.
Is there a lot of shine on me? Well, I'd go further than shine, I'd say your face is wet.
Do you know why? It's because it's 35 degrees.
I could watch you do that all day.
I just felt a bead of sweat go to my belly button.
Don't turn me on.
Before things turn Brokeback, the waiter ponies up with some pud.
I think the apple one is by far the superior.
- I've never experienced food come to the table and get hotter.
- Yeah.
These are hot as well.
That's burnt my mouth.
- That's barely safe to touch.
- Yeah.
The lino's hot.
Oh! I'm not even joking.
- Hot.
- It's hot.
As we race towards an off-camera can of Lynx, we, on a complete whim, decide to enrol in one of Krakow's coveted stained-glass workshops.
- Do you do a lot of stained-glass work? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - A frightening amount.
- Yeah? - It's a bit of a busman's holiday, this, for me.
- Yeah? - I'll probably know some of the guys in here.
- You probably will.
- Yeah.
- In you go.
The Zelenski studio, centre of Krakow's Art Nouveau movement at the turn of the 20th century, offers classes for rank amateurs like us.
- I feel like we've come an odd way.
- Yes.
- This can't be the most direct way in.
- No.
Gabriella is overseeing our creations and we start by selecting our separate stains.
Which do you think you'll go for? I will not be rushed.
- OK.
- Look at that, guys.
- Ooh, that doesn't go at all.
- Oh, this is bold.
- Bold or doesn't go at all? I think both.
In another Bafta-baiting montage, we score That felt good even from here.
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snap Stop it.
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and grind.
You have those ups and downs right.
That's just my career.
The ups and the bumps Lovely stuff.
Lovely stuff.
Lovely bit of business.
We apply copper foil.
This is an absolute red-letter day for my hand double.
And Gabriella has some sobering news.
- We are going to be using very hot tools.
- Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a soldering iron, have you used one before? I tell you what, I've used a lot of soldering irons in my time, fixing televisions.
I used to work in a toy shop and we used to fix Scalextric cars.
- OK.
- OK, guys, so I'm I used to work at a soldering iron factory designing the next generation of soldiering irons.
Well, I used to work for the accountancy firm that did the accounts for that firm.
I also worked for MI7 on the latest soldering irons they have.
- I can't top that.
I can't top that.
- No.
As things heat up Very nice.
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so, do the soldering irons, thus melting solder as one would expect.
- GABRIELLA GIGGLES - Ah, - BLEEP! - 8.
30 broadcast! - It's easier than you think.
- Sometimes.
- When you haven't done it right.
- No, when - Just say it.
- .
.
you need a bit more help.
- How the flip did you do that? - GABRIELLA LAUGHS It's the work of a moment for Gabriella to take our windows before oxidising them in private.
I've never anticipated oxidisation so much.
I just want that thing to oxidise so bad.
- OK, guys, I'm ready with your pieces.
- At last, jeez.
- Thank you! - This is how they look like oxidised.
- That's lovely.
- Aw! - Just look at them - congratulations.
- They look great.
Isn't that nice? Look at that by the light.
Do you know what, I like it so much, - I don't want to know who's done the best one? - Aw! I think we've both done good ones.
RICHARD MOUTHS - I don't think we need - Let's go.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Can we keep the aprons? What an operation you have here.
You've taken enough.
Finally, and for no real reason, we self-haul to Krakow's highest point for a figurative and literal overview.
This heavy wind is adding a welcome note of jeopardy to what could be a work-a-day sequence.
Some say the Krakus Mound is the burial place of Prince Krak, semi-mythical founder of Krakow, but not me.
Joe, would you like to squat and sum up your experience in Krakow? - It would be an absolute honour to squat with you.
- OK.
I'm going to hoist up my jeans cos I'm prone to showing arse crack.
Please, we need all the ratings we can get.
I'd hate to press you to highlights of this trip, it'd be crass to try and individualise each experience, to say that one was better than that one or this one was more meaningful but if you had to, what would you say? I enjoyed the car.
- Oh, the Trabant? - Yeah, that was nice.
- Yeah? - Beer and syrup.
- Mm! I'd do that again.
- Would you? - Yeah.
I quite liked the salt mines.
They were so good.
If only because it provided a respite from this scorching heat.
Yes.
But fave thing, just spending time with you, Richard.
Please, Joe, it's been an absolute pleaj and a half.
Thanks for letting me squat with you.
If you want to squat with me, contact my agent and we'll try and set something up.
I'm afraid to stand up.
I'm sure you're afraid to stand up.
Shall we see what happens? - Yeah, shall we see if my knees creak? - Let's go, one.
BOTH: Two, three.
Oh! We're old.
Oh, blimey.
- Speedy boarding.
- Speedy boarding.
Next time, a two-day meander in Madrid with Ellie Taylor.
- Do you know why you've been arrested? - Aargh! Is it because I've got such a peng dress?
How in shiz can a sister get on point, without getting peeved? But do not let salt tears soak your bosom for I, the Captain of Chaf Richard Ayoade, am here to get your tiny trips crisp.
Bound to a bushel of exhausted entertainers, I'm going to globally gob off.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a full-ish 48 in Krakow.
Poland's second city and cultural capital has been open for business since the Stone Age.
Joining me to delve into its crack is comedian, Joe Wilkinson.
You know I'm hot don't you, I'm really hot.
I do know you're hot.
Why do you think you were booked? Together we will flirt I'm going to get very windy during this sequence.
.
.
beg for mercy We're in a tin box.
Please don't hurt us, thank you.
That was close.
.
.
and demand the truth.
Can I ask about this Himalayan pink salt, is that just nonsense? - Yes.
- Thank you.
- Thank you! Finally someone has had the courage to say it.
We're here, but should we have come? - Hello, Richard.
- Hi.
We touch down just in time for the camera to find us.
We've just passed through St Florian's gate, one of an octet that lead into the city, this being the most important and the one through which dignitaries and returning victors would pass in medieval times.
It's a symbol of the city, Joe.
You can use all the long words you like, Richard, but why have you brought me to Krakow? Don't pre-empt a format point.
Dating back to the 7th C, Krakow, 'Krako', 'Krakowth' or 'Krakoff' is Poland's most popular and inconsistently pronounced tourist target, attracting 9.
5 mil bods per ann to creep round its cobbles.
The city's a sucker for celebration with annual festivals dedicated to film, jazz, Chopin, Joseph Conrad, Jewish culture, photography, street theatre and my old enemy, dumplings, of which more in the due-ness of course.
Luminaries who've lolloped through the locality include astronomical legend, ya boy, Copernicus, the perennially problematic Roman Polanski, the pre-eminently papal John Paul II and Helena Rubinstein, the cosmetics genius who made your mascara waterproof.
It's possible to drop so little coin on a weekend in Krakow that it makes a brother's day to day dealings seem like a debauch.
I can't go straight out.
What do you need to do? - I'll have a bath probably.
- You're not going to have a bath.
It's my weekend as much as yours.
The Puro Hotel is a second unit camera man's dream, showcasing local art, an in-house bakery and this attractive timetable.
- Do you have complimentary board games by the way? - Yeah, we have.
- Do you have Buckaroo? - Buckaroo? - Oh, I don't think so.
I only really play Buckaroo, so I'm out.
Connect Four? Or Twister? Yeah, we have Twister.
- OK, Twister for one.
- OK.
- 151 and as soon as possible, thank you.
- OK.
- Is it possible to have it there before I arrive? - Yeah.
- Great, thank you.
- Thanks.
- Brilliant.
With 228 competitively priced rooms, I de-trouser an extra 32 and secure the Executive Suite It's unmistakably Polish.
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while Joe has a breakdown.
Lewa noga, yellow.
Prava rega, blue.
I remember it being more difficult.
This is a fun episode of Columbo.
- Hello, mate.
- How are you? I'm tired.
I was playing for ages.
- Who won, by the way? - It was a draw.
OK, I'll see you downstairs.
Lest lethargy derail these fact-ent events, we crank up the incidental music and head to Europe's largest medieval square, Rynek Glowny.
You wouldn't hire that extra again, would you? Drawing focus.
What a square! 40,000 square metres of it.
- I love it.
- 1257, it was designed and it's one of the first on the UNESCO World Heritage sites.
And it has not dated.
Thanks for bringing me.
- Cloth Hall.
- Yeah? 700 years in business.
- Cloth is one of my favourite words, actually.
- Is it? - Yeah.
The Basilica of the Holy Virgin, 13th-century, the most important church in Krakow.
It's quite a lot to take in.
And Adam Mickiewicz, Poland's pre-eminent poet, so And do you have to say his name like that? You don't have to but if you're not quite sure of the pronunciation You just style it out.
Yeah, yeah, let's keep it in.
- So you know what also happened here, as of 1994? - What? Dachshund parade.
Sausage dogs dressed up.
- Imagine the fun you can have.
- When's that? Tell me it's today.
- It's not today sadly.
- Oh, for - BLEEP.
- That's right.
- I'm going to need to sit down.
Let's do it over there.
There's a lot of low flying birds.
Before we go the full Tippi Hedren, we power stride to a pre-booked baking workshop to tackle Krakow's sig salty snack.
- We're going to learn how to make obwarzanek krakowski.
- What? It's a precursor to the bagel.
It's in here.
The precursor to the bagel? It's a precursor, yes, it's like the Hobbit but a bagel.
Oh, OK, do you mean before? Over 60 savage mins, Susa will subtly undermine us as we pound our respective rings.
OK, so, first we need to knead the dough in your hands.
You're going to feel that it is not sticky at all.
- You feel that? - It's a little bit sticky, I don't want to - Mine's really sticky.
- So sticky.
Oh, my God.
It's not sticky at all.
OK, now need to divide our dough in half and you just need to push it to the table.
Push it to the table, Joe.
That's one of my favourite Boyz II Men songs actually, Push It To The Table.
I don't understand why mine's not getting longer.
- Put your back into it.
- Come on, come on! Nobody said that it is easy working in the bakery, OK? No-one ever said it was easy.
My command in clear evidence, we plait What's happening there? I see potential for this to go wrong.
Oh, no, no.
Wrong way, wrong way! .
.
and identify our rings.
It's my nickname.
- And I've written The Duck.
- Yeah.
- I'm called The Duck.
- OK.
Then, Susa takes shiz next level.
Before we put it to the oven, we need to put it to the hot boiling water because of the yeast raising and we just want to stop that.
- What? - Sure.
- OK.
You're cool with that? I'm not going to argue with 600 years of baking history.
I don't know how cool I am about that.
After a legit quick dunk, we take it to the toppings.
- Salt.
- Salt? OK.
- I'll go grain.
- So that's poppy seeds.
Poppy seeds.
She's doing all of it.
Did you want? She didn't even let me participate.
OK, so now I will take our obwarzanek to the oven.
Yes.
I wanted to do that.
It's meant to be a workshop.
After approx eight mins at 180 degrees, our rings are ruddy baked.
OK, so your obwarzanek are ready.
I'm pretty impressed.
They look good.
- Can we eat them? - Yeah, you can.
No, they not that hot! - You see? - Oh! Reactions, etc? Delicious and hot.
My one's quite salty.
There is one more thing.
- Certification? - Yeah.
- Yes! - Joe, it's you.
- Thank you.
And that's for you.
Yes.
I will treasure this and thank you for the opportunity.
This will go in my hallway.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye! This sista loves salt so what on Earth would stop me from strutting right out of town towards the nearest salt mine? - Where are we? - We're going to a salt mine.
- That's a salt mine? - Do you go to salt mines often? I haven't been for weeks.
It's 800 steps.
The Wieliczka Salt Mine It's like a Harvesters in a blackout.
.
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has been open doors since the 13th century.
We descend to the underground lair of Agata - Hello, gentlemen.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
.
.
and follow in the salinated steps of see screen for details, as we pass an underground lake - Is this fully saturated brine? - Yes, you are right.
- Oh, thank you.
- It is fully saturated brine.
.
.
before arriving at the mine's chief attraction, St Kinga Chapel Absolutely incredible.
.
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which miners carved entirely out of sodium.
This is the maddest thing I think I've ever seen.
- So sorry, those chandeliers are made of salt? - Yes.
- Is that salt? - Yes.
- The walls are salt.
- Floor? - Yes.
- Ceiling? - Yes.
- Yeah.
This is amazing.
It's definitely worth the thousands of steps to get here.
No, it was 800 steps.
It was thousands.
- All the routes to the depth of 135 metres is about 800 steps.
- Ssh! I can feel this getting nasty.
Let's just agree, say 2,000 steps.
Available for weddings, concerts and weekly mass, the chapel is lousy with salt-carved reliefs.
- Salt again? - Salt again.
Actually, this is the only one that shows perfectly that our miners weren't professional artists.
They committed a mistake, maybe you can guess.
- OK, hairstyles are out of date.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Fringe? - A baby can be hairy.
- So it's something relating to the donkey.
- Yeah.
- Sadness in the eyes? - No.
I've got it, he's leaning, he's leaning.
- Yes.
- Oh, really? You wouldn't have two legs on the ground and the other two bent.
Oh, so I was right? Let's not make it petty.
I think I won.
Don't make it petty.
- Who? Who won? - Both.
- Both? - Yeah.
- So, that's a draw so you didn't really.
- It's not really Is there anything else made from salt here? Yes, let's go the other side.
- Come on.
- Magnificent.
- Belter.
- The ceiling is very suspect-y.
- Yeah.
It feels like it's deep, but it's not, it's actually not deep.
When you see something like this, I suddenly realise that I'm not achieving much.
Like I've been to the gym three times in, like, a year.
Please, you're more chiselled than that.
Finally, we pay our respects to Kracovian pontiff, J to the P to the second, who visited the mines in pre-Papal mode.
We've had a ball.
You have a beautiful salt mine.
Heck of an outfit you've got here.
- Yeah, love your buttons.
- 29 buttons! 29? Can't have too many buttons, never forget that.
Thank you again.
Thank you very much.
- See you soon.
- Why would you see her soon? I don't know.
I panicked.
We resurface with a savage thirst and search out a local libation in the old Jewish quarter of Kazimierz.
You're about to have your beer syruped.
What does that mean? They put syrup in their beer.
Here in Poland, it's what they do.
Hevre, which is Hebrew slang for friends, has been transformed into one of the city's best backdrops for self-archiving.
Joe this used to be a house of prayer.
- Quoi? Quoi? - And now it's a boozer.
Let's sit down.
- A lot of the original frescos.
- The original what? - Frescos.
- Pictures.
- Frescoes.
- You mean pictures.
No.
Try taking that picture off the wall.
- Frescoes.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- Dzie dobry.
Hi.
- Yes, what would you like? - Piwo z sokiem.
Two raspberries, two ginger and then two regular ones so we can taste the difference between them.
- Are you ordering for me? - I am.
- I love that about you.
- Thank you.
- OK.
You won't find a much better shot of someone syruping beer, nor this one of a bit of harmless hi-jinx.
One, two, three, go.
- Very nice.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
This has all the makings of a Chumba Wumba song.
Right can we get this one out the way? - Ginger first? - Yeah.
Cheers! To better times.
It's all right.
That's a good message to send out to kids, isn't it? Buy six.
This could take a wrong turn.
Argh, it gets worse! Ginger.
This is like a Christmas beer.
Argh, I hate Christmas.
- They serve this hot in winter.
- What's wrong with them? If it had been hot, I'd smash the place up.
Just to summarise, what's your favourite? Regular, the kind of beer you can get anywhere.
Just a lovely beer.
Second favourite? - Raspberry.
- Raspberry.
Third? - Ginger.
And even worse than that if it were hot.
Cheers! As Joe becomes a young Shirley Valentine What you doing later? - I'm going to be here.
- With who? - Cheers! - Cheers! .
.
day one draws stumps.
Coming up, more footage.
It's very flexible.
That's what you want in a crash.
You re-join comic Joe Wilkinson and I, Richard Ayoade, the victim of a clerical error.
I hope our Trabant is on time.
Day two in Krakow starts with some comm to the unism.
- Um, we're not getting in that, are we? - Here we go.
No, keep going, keep going.
No, that's it.
That's not ours.
- Hello, guys.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Aska, nice to meet you.
- Aska, Richard.
- Hello, hello.
- Aska, Joe.
All right, so you can pop in.
Hi.
Oh Well, that's an elegant entrance.
Ha-ha! Whoa! Do the seats go forward at all? - No, no.
- Joe, I've barely got any legroom in here whatsoever.
OK.
Aska gives us a fume-filled, 2.
5-hour taste of life in a classless society.
I was feeling nervous and then I saw this tiny handle.
Oh, that is good.
We chunder to the district of Nowa Huta, Stalin's showcase suburb of socialist realism and one of only two pre-planned pinko neighbourhoods in the world.
This year, actually, is the 70th anniversary of the district.
- 70th anniversary? - Yes.
- How many years? - 70.
I can't really hear at the back because of the huge amount of rattling.
What are they doing to celebrate? - They renovated some roads.
- OK.
That's how I celebrated my 18th.
Intended to be a workers' paradise, Nowa Huta is centred on the steelworks from which it takes its name.
This is the main entrance to the factory.
You could hire it out for weddings.
After 20 scarcely suspended mins, we arrive at the Avenue of Roses.
- From now on, we're comrades.
- Ooh.
- OK.
- Yeah? - This is a workplace, Joe.
- Yeah.
- No touching? - No, no touching.
- Get your stinking hands off me.
- Sorry.
You need to be very strict, serious.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
Well, I might head off then.
This is the most representative part - for all the marches, propaganda speeches.
- Yes.
- It's no place for like - Eroticism.
- Exactly.
- No kissing about.
So, back in the day, we used to have the highest statue of Lenin here.
- Ah! - OK, lovely.
- Short and skinny guy in reality - Yes.
.
.
but on the statue - six-pack underneath his vest.
- What do you think is under here? - Yeah, well But, anyway, as you can see, we get rid of him.
So, essentially, we have come to look at something - that is no longer here.
- Exactly.
- I think we're going to jump in.
- OK, back in the death machine.
- Back in the car.
- I don't want to get in.
- It's not that bad.
That could be this show's tag line, "It's not that bad.
" THEY LAUGH As our remaining audience begs to differ, we buckle up for some more "#Trabantz.
" Does it have indicators? Don't be so bourgeois.
I like to know if we're going left or right.
As we're in the communist district, - we're going the left.
- We're going left, Joe.
We're in a tin box, please don't hurt us.
Thank you.
That was close.
It's absolutely fine.
This is very durable fibreglass.
It's very flexible.
That's what you want in a crash.
Closer than ever, we reach our final stop .
.
an actual apartment full of soviet shiz.
- Here is vodka and pickles.
- Thank you.
Because there's going to be a bit of a brainwashing process going on, so alcohol helps with it.
We're watching Love Island? - Contemporary.
- Please.
We simply can't wait to watch the 1951 propaganda classic, Destination Nova Huta.
And what's more, we don't have to.
- I have massive hands, so this glass looks tiny.
- Mm.
Mm.
We've been there.
I could get quite into the vodka.
JOE SPLUTTERS - HOARSELY: Yeah, me too.
- Now I'm retiring, I know how I'm going to spend my days.
Just drinking this in Peckham.
Watching Eastern Bloc visuals.
There's a lot of clapping, isn't there? In your head? Mm.
Aargh! WHISPERS: My gums ache.
This is the longest ten minutes of my life.
Please, have pity for the people watching.
Oh, it's over.
- Finished.
- Gone.
- How, was it? Oh, it was really good.
- Are you convinced? - Yes.
You're going to sign the papers, - leave your bourgeoisie hell life behind you? - Yes, please.
- Yes.
I absolutely can't bear the bourgeoisie.
Yeah? How was vodka anyway? So strong.
- We are struggling to form sentences.
- Mm.
ASKA LAUGHS What better way to combat the engulfing heatwave than with a cornerstone of Krakowian cuisine? - This place does dumplings.
- Yes, please.
Boiled or sometimes fried with a crudload of fillings, pierogi have been made in Poland since the 13th century.
Oh, look at this, almost on cue.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Thank you.
Can I bring it to viewers' attentions that it's 35 degrees in this hellhole? Mm.
That is delightful.
These are very nice dumplings.
Do you know when national pierogi day is? Eighth of October.
Do you know how I remember? - It's Bruno Mars' Birthday.
- It is.
HUMS UPTOWN FUNK BY BRUNO MARS CONTINUE HUMMING That is warm.
That's 35 degrees, that is.
This is like a bath.
I would say that we can't tell from your face how hot it is, but that wouldn't be true.
Is there a lot of shine on me? Well, I'd go further than shine, I'd say your face is wet.
Do you know why? It's because it's 35 degrees.
I could watch you do that all day.
I just felt a bead of sweat go to my belly button.
Don't turn me on.
Before things turn Brokeback, the waiter ponies up with some pud.
I think the apple one is by far the superior.
- I've never experienced food come to the table and get hotter.
- Yeah.
These are hot as well.
That's burnt my mouth.
- That's barely safe to touch.
- Yeah.
The lino's hot.
Oh! I'm not even joking.
- Hot.
- It's hot.
As we race towards an off-camera can of Lynx, we, on a complete whim, decide to enrol in one of Krakow's coveted stained-glass workshops.
- Do you do a lot of stained-glass work? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - A frightening amount.
- Yeah? - It's a bit of a busman's holiday, this, for me.
- Yeah? - I'll probably know some of the guys in here.
- You probably will.
- Yeah.
- In you go.
The Zelenski studio, centre of Krakow's Art Nouveau movement at the turn of the 20th century, offers classes for rank amateurs like us.
- I feel like we've come an odd way.
- Yes.
- This can't be the most direct way in.
- No.
Gabriella is overseeing our creations and we start by selecting our separate stains.
Which do you think you'll go for? I will not be rushed.
- OK.
- Look at that, guys.
- Ooh, that doesn't go at all.
- Oh, this is bold.
- Bold or doesn't go at all? I think both.
In another Bafta-baiting montage, we score That felt good even from here.
.
.
snap Stop it.
.
.
and grind.
You have those ups and downs right.
That's just my career.
The ups and the bumps Lovely stuff.
Lovely stuff.
Lovely bit of business.
We apply copper foil.
This is an absolute red-letter day for my hand double.
And Gabriella has some sobering news.
- We are going to be using very hot tools.
- Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a soldering iron, have you used one before? I tell you what, I've used a lot of soldering irons in my time, fixing televisions.
I used to work in a toy shop and we used to fix Scalextric cars.
- OK.
- OK, guys, so I'm I used to work at a soldering iron factory designing the next generation of soldiering irons.
Well, I used to work for the accountancy firm that did the accounts for that firm.
I also worked for MI7 on the latest soldering irons they have.
- I can't top that.
I can't top that.
- No.
As things heat up Very nice.
.
.
so, do the soldering irons, thus melting solder as one would expect.
- GABRIELLA GIGGLES - Ah, - BLEEP! - 8.
30 broadcast! - It's easier than you think.
- Sometimes.
- When you haven't done it right.
- No, when - Just say it.
- .
.
you need a bit more help.
- How the flip did you do that? - GABRIELLA LAUGHS It's the work of a moment for Gabriella to take our windows before oxidising them in private.
I've never anticipated oxidisation so much.
I just want that thing to oxidise so bad.
- OK, guys, I'm ready with your pieces.
- At last, jeez.
- Thank you! - This is how they look like oxidised.
- That's lovely.
- Aw! - Just look at them - congratulations.
- They look great.
Isn't that nice? Look at that by the light.
Do you know what, I like it so much, - I don't want to know who's done the best one? - Aw! I think we've both done good ones.
RICHARD MOUTHS - I don't think we need - Let's go.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Can we keep the aprons? What an operation you have here.
You've taken enough.
Finally, and for no real reason, we self-haul to Krakow's highest point for a figurative and literal overview.
This heavy wind is adding a welcome note of jeopardy to what could be a work-a-day sequence.
Some say the Krakus Mound is the burial place of Prince Krak, semi-mythical founder of Krakow, but not me.
Joe, would you like to squat and sum up your experience in Krakow? - It would be an absolute honour to squat with you.
- OK.
I'm going to hoist up my jeans cos I'm prone to showing arse crack.
Please, we need all the ratings we can get.
I'd hate to press you to highlights of this trip, it'd be crass to try and individualise each experience, to say that one was better than that one or this one was more meaningful but if you had to, what would you say? I enjoyed the car.
- Oh, the Trabant? - Yeah, that was nice.
- Yeah? - Beer and syrup.
- Mm! I'd do that again.
- Would you? - Yeah.
I quite liked the salt mines.
They were so good.
If only because it provided a respite from this scorching heat.
Yes.
But fave thing, just spending time with you, Richard.
Please, Joe, it's been an absolute pleaj and a half.
Thanks for letting me squat with you.
If you want to squat with me, contact my agent and we'll try and set something up.
I'm afraid to stand up.
I'm sure you're afraid to stand up.
Shall we see what happens? - Yeah, shall we see if my knees creak? - Let's go, one.
BOTH: Two, three.
Oh! We're old.
Oh, blimey.
- Speedy boarding.
- Speedy boarding.
Next time, a two-day meander in Madrid with Ellie Taylor.
- Do you know why you've been arrested? - Aargh! Is it because I've got such a peng dress?