Trinity s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
Are we girlfriend and boyfriend? You don't want the press poking around.
You're hiding something.
I have a rule.
I don't go out with people.
You were close to Ross, weren't you? We were lovers.
Are you sure you know what you're getting into? Stephen has come up with an equation.
It's hilarious! That is pretty funny, though, eh? Let's see.
"x to the n?" That's wild.
Who's that? All the mathematicians are here.
Hey.
Let's hope it's the physicists.
Ah.
Now the party's gettin' hot! Raj.
They're really beautiful.
We were wondering whether you handsome young mathmos had decided who to vote for in the student rep elections.
Er And to help you decide, we thought maybe you'd like to party.
Er Come on, girls.
Angus? Yes, mate? Wash your penis.
It's election week.
Vote for Charlotte Arc.
Whoo! Vote for Charlotte Arc! Don't compromise your integ Vote for Charlotte Arc.
Here we go.
Ah, fools.
Enjoying your day off? Vote for Rosalind Gaudain for Student Rep.
Some people really were born to serve, weren't they? You've been requested.
Dr Maltravers.
Do me a favour, will you? Tell the good doctor he can suck my balls off.
Vote for Charlotte Arc.
look, do you really think that we can win this? Why do you say that? I don't know.
Maybe people would like her more if her campaign felt less like a lecture.
It's politics, Theo.
It's not going to be fun.
Ladies and gentlemen! She's cheering for Trinity.
It's Rosalind! ALL: Whoo! Give me an 'R'.
R! Give me an 'O'.
O! Give me an 'S'.
S! Give me an 'A'.
A! Give me an 'L'.
L! Give me an 'I'.
I! Give me an 'N'.
N! Give me a 'D'.
D! Vote for Rosalind! Whoo! Oh, bugger.
Hm.
Enjoying yourself, Edmund? Always happy to take an interest in the student body.
Charlotte Arc wants to get rid of the Dandelion Club.
Well, student reps in my day wanted to end the miners' strike.
She's a very idealistic girl.
Isn't she.
Let's cut the crap, Angela.
I know about the plebiscite.
Sorry? Plebiscite? You and Lloyd have been burrowing around in college history hoping to find a way to abolish the Dandelion Club.
You are trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
Naughty, very naughty.
Well, I don't see what you can do about it? Because once Charlotte wins the election, she'll call the plebiscite, and then the college can decide for itself whether or not it wants the Dandelion Club.
Hm.
Well, good luck.
Over the years, I've gained some small incite into the student mind, and to me, that candidate looks like a winner.
Don't try and help Charlotte Arc.
There are rules against that.
And remember, I see everything.
You can count on my vote.
I always back the prettiest candidate.
Even if she is only standing to get at me.
That is so self-centred.
I'm against the Dandelion Club on principle.
And that thing that happened between us Which you're not allowed to mention, remember? A gentleman's word is his bond.
Right, well That incident has absolutely nothing to do with my principled stand.
Well, then, good luck to you.
By the way, step it up a bit.
The virginal crusader thing works on me, but for most people here, I'm afraid, Debbie Does Dallas wins every time.
My Noble Lord Ravensby.
Bloody hell, Edmund.
You look older every time I see you.
And fuck you, too, Julius.
How's Beatrice? Always bloody moaning.
It's like she's the first person ever to get cancer.
If you're here to see your son and heir - Perish the thought.
I avoid Dorian wherever possible.
Beatrice speaks to him.
According to her, there's a girl running for student rep who wants to abolish the Dandelion Club.
Yes.
Do the Americans know about this? It's only college politics.
I'm not gonna get them worked up just because Charlotte Arc - Charlotte Arc? Richard's daughter? Yes.
If she wins, the whole enterprise will be endangered.
Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
You do remember? She doesn't stand a chance.
Your niece will see to that.
Hm.
Rosalind's a clever filly.
I've grand plans for her.
Yeah, well, why worry the Americans unnecessarily? Is Dorian helping? I'm afraid your son and I have rather fallen out.
Vote for Rosalind! I saw you watching me.
Yeah, a big dance fan, me.
I'm really into choreography.
Theo? Vote for Charlotte Arc.
I'm fine for loo roll, thanks.
Enjoy the show? Mrs Pankhurst would've approved.
Mr Pankhurst? The suffragette.
Jumped in front of a horse.
A distant relative of Charlotte's.
I'm not related to Mrs Pank- Not her.
The horse.
See you later.
Yeah.
Go away! Why are you so worried? So, Maltravers knows about the plebiscite? Once Charlotte wins, there's nothing he can do.
Yes, but that's the problem, Gabe.
She's not going to win.
What? Look at her flyer.
'Historical origins of the Dandelion club.
' Wow, 'The Dandelion club and human rights.
' This is fascinating stuff Yeah, I see your point.
Rosalind's.
Yes.
There's a difference of approach.
I'd speak to her myself, but Maltravers is watching everything I do.
Maybe Maybe you could have a word with her? It's Cooper! Cooper, Cooper, Cooper! What about Dr Cooper? He voodoo, voodoo, voodoo! Voodoo? Voodoo! Voodoo? Voodoo.
Super (!) Safe.
So, how come you decided to get involved with Rosalind's campaign? I really want to be your girlfriend.
Wow.
But we can't do anything until after the election.
OK.
Why? I've got a load of boys to help me out, and some of them have it in their heads that if they do my donkey work, they may get to have sex with me.
Pretty gullible.
But if YOU help me out, I am definitely going to be your girlfriend.
Awesome.
Uh, no reason.
No special reason.
Why did YOU decide to help out? But if YOU help me, I am definitely going to be your girlfriend.
Oh, this is amazing.
Wow.
This is, like, totally unexpected.
Come on! Whoo-hoo! Well, item number one on the campaign agenda is this.
Whoa, Charl.
They've not got you well, have they? Have you any idea how bad this looks? You're supposed to be my campaign manager! My girlfriend kissed me.
What was I meant to do? If you want to work on my campaign, stay out of contact with Rosalind until the election's over.
I'm sorry, what? That's the deal.
Take it, or you're off the team.
Are you for real? Theo they are taking an opinion poll this lunchtime.
And if I find out that I am behind because of this I assure you, Charlotte.
You won't be behind because of THIS.
Why, what's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Fine, I won't see her.
Do you promise? Yes! I promise.
Jeez.
OK, well, next item on the agenda is this.
The demo on the lawns this afternoon.
I've made this.
What's the deal with this Arc girl? She's a nobody.
You mentioned her to Mummy.
Are you soft on her? Have you fucked her? Sorry, Pater, I'm not comfortable relating the details of my personal life to fill your wank bank.
Get me a drink.
This spat with Maltravers? He's been beastly.
Edmund's a long-standing friend of the family.
He wants you to help your cousin in this election.
Since when has Edmund Maltravers told this family what to do? Don't play silly buggers.
He knows what's best for the Dandelion Club.
He doesn't need my help.
Rosalind's going to win, anyway.
You have no idea - no idea - what the Dandelion Club stands for, how much it matters! A lot of important people, including Edmund, understand better how this college works.
Heed their advice or there will be hell to pay.
Do you understand? I'll think about it.
Do you understand?! Yes.
Thank you, Daddy.
You're skiing this winter, aren't you? Yes.
See you then.
Vote for Charlotte Arc, ladies and gentlemen.
Vote for Charlotte Arc.
You do odds, me evens.
Yeah.
Actually, how about you take the bottom corridor and I'll take the top? Really? Shouldn't we stick together? It'd be more fun.
Nah.
Let's do it this way.
This does not mean I support you in the election.
It's not the elections I'm interested in.
Hello? Are you all right? Do you want a doctor or something? Do you think that you'll be voting for Charlotte Arc in the student rep election? If I was to give you a substance to eat .
.
just a tiny bit, and that tiny bit put you in a terrible pain, enough to make you unconscious for several hours, what do you think would happen if I put a great lump of that substance inside you? I dunno.
It might hurt.
Or kill.
This whole college is rotten, from the bottom to the very top.
Especially the top.
And there's nothing you, or me, or anyone, can do to change that.
I'll just put you down as a 'maybe'.
Did you have a chance to talk to Charlotte? Yes.
And? Well, she had her ideas and I had mine.
We were thinking, maybe you have something up your sleeve with a bit moreimpact.
Like wearing a tight costume? Exactly! No.
No, no, not at all.
We reached an interesting compromise.
I think it's a sad day when two dons at the finest academic institution in the world don't think that its students might prefer a genuine candidate with genuine policies to some posh girl with her baps out.
She bit your head off.
Yes.
She's got a lot of her father about her, that girl - ferocious.
Speak of the devil, look who liked this book.
Oh.
Richard's symbol.
He used to draw that everywhere.
Crop rotation in 15th century France? Rather out of his subject area.
God, he was a bloody maverick! Angie, I'm sorry.
I - No, no, no.
It's fine.
Having your own symbol, God! The ego of the man.
So, how'd it go with Cooper? Was he dabbling in black magic? No, but .
.
he's got these puppets.
No! No! Stay there.
I'll deal with it.
The bedder saw your puppets, and she now thinks you're trying to control the young boys' minds through the power of voodoo.
No voodoo yet.
Look, no knitting needles.
And he's so strange.
He never sees anyone, he's very secretive.
I mean, what does he actually do? Do? He does science stuff.
Yes, but what's his research? Well, it's easy enough to find out.
I'm Senior Tutor.
I can get you his file.
Could you? Because he just seems soodd.
So, that's a crime, being odd? You better warn the modern languages department.
You said that me supporting her wasn't a problem.
It isn't.
To me.
In fact, it's something of a vote-winner.
You are unbelievable.
Theo, darling, you have to learn to separate the personal and the political.
You do what you have to do.
I do what I have to do.
Do me a favour.
You're obviously gonna win.
Just go easy on Charlotte, eh? Aw.
No.
Fine.
You've been an amazing help (!) I've gotta go to this demo in the quad, so I'll see you around.
If you really want to protect Little Bo Peep, you might encourage her to call off that demo.
It's her last big push for votes.
If we cancel this, Charlotte might as well give up.
Well, it's up to you.
But it's going to be embarrassing.
Really embarrassing.
Are you absolutely sure this is the best time to do a demo? Strategically speaking.
What, the middle of the afternoon? Well, yeah, it's the perfect time.
At first sight, yeah.
Butstrategically speaking, wouldn't it be better to do it later? Or elsewhere? Or both.
Why? Well for For strategy.
You're weird sometimes, you know that? People say that to me all the time.
Just ignore it.
D, daddy paid for their places! A, and he'll pay for their degrees.
N, no-one knows what they spend.
D, they don't do coursework.
E, everyone has to suffer their L, libidinous desires, and I, inane parties.
O, our college has tolerated this for too Charlotte Arc! You stand accused of boring the citizens of Trinity with your incessant whinging.
Cease and desist from your dull soap-boxing, or we, the Trinity Fun Squad, will be forced to take action.
Yeah? What are you going to do? Girls, on my word.
D Word! No! Agh! Charlotte, get down! One, two, three, vote Rosalind! Vote Charlotte Arc! So.
What are you going to do now? Oh, shit.
You're ahead, by five percent.
I'm ahead? I'm ahead! It turns out that all you had to do was just put yourself out there.
Yeah.
So, why did you try to stop me going up on the podium? What? You warned me to call of the demo.
You knew that Rosalind was gonna do this.
You've seen her, haven't you? Yeah, Charlotte, I don't think I would - A day and a half, Theo.
That is all I asked.
And you promised.
We're ahead.
We shouldn't be arguing.
We're ahead.
No, 'we' are not anywhere.
Because you are off the campaign.
Oh, come on, Charlotte.
I'm on your side.
'Camelot, apologies for the emergency call.
' Lord Ravensby suggested that something was amiss.
'We have a minor situation that I assured Ravensby was under control.
' And is it? Yes.
Yes, it is entirely.
'The Dandelion club is vital to the next stage of the project.
' Charlotte Arc must not win.
'Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
' Now, you came to Trinity in '94, and your research into genetic susceptibility to glandular fever was pretty revolutionary.
Much obliged.
I'm just looking at what you've done since.
A few epidemiology papers, articles in minor journals.
Surely, this hasn't taken up all your time? How do you mean? Well, it's not what one would expect from such early promise.
I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted.
Come on, Linus.
You can tell ME.
What are you really working on? What's the big project? WellOK.
I'm investigating cell division in .
.
hedgehogs.
What it teaches us about cancer.
Hedgehogs? That's right.
They're a speciality of mine.
There's lots to say about hedgehogs.
Lots.
How can I be behind to that frigid, sanctimonious God-bothering virgin?! Maybe it was a mistake.
Polls can be mistaken.
Yeah.
Although, it was a very wide sample group.
And they were using a particularly comprehensive algorithm.
Get her out! No! Rosalind, I didn't mean it! I'm still your friend.
Please, no! Rosalind, please! No! Daddy's in town.
Already? But he said - No, it's not that.
He wants me to help you in this election.
Why? Is that him? What do you think?! OK, soI don't think you're doing anything wrong.
Charlotte had a bit more pluck than you expected, but it's nothing you can't turn around.
Your campaign just lacks one crucial element.
And what's that? Dirt.
Dirt? Have you got dirt on Charlotte Arc? Me? God, no.
Make some up.
The nastier the better.
Cover her in filth.
You wouldn't be the first.
Dirt.
You know, I'm suddenly feeling more perky.
If I get a really attractive and sexy girlfriend, who was also hot, do you think that would cause problems between us? Why would it? Oh, you know, because I'd be doing it with this amazing chick, and you'd still never have done it, you'd be like a virgin.
I'd be cool with it.
What about you, if I (WHISTLES)? Oh, without question.
Rosalind is in love with me and wants to be my girlfriend.
There, I said it.
Er, awkward.
Raj, Rosalind told me she was gonna tell some other losers that she loved them to get them to work for her, when in fact she's in love with me.
Uh, awkward.
Because she said the same thing to me.
So, it looks like you're one of those losers.
Er, awkward! No! No, because she definitely told me I was the one not being led on.
Awkward, awkward, awkward! She can't have said that, Angy, because she said the same thing to me! Oh, wait.
Unless Unless she's in love with the both of us, and is so mixed up and confused that she can't possibly choose.
Poor girl.
Poor girl.
Poor, poor, wee lassie.
Well done, Charlotte.
Thanks.
Bravo, Charlotte! Dandelions are so desperate.
Hey, you should hear what Rosalind's been saying about you.
Really, what is it? Nah, I don't want to embarrass you.
All right.
I'm sorry.
It's just really funny.
What? Come on.
Well, she's saying that you had sex with the president of the Dandelion Club.
Like anyone would believe that! It's just really funny that you, of all people I meanyou wouldn't.
Would you? Charl, you didn't, did you? I erm You little raver.
Hello there.
How could you? We had a deal.
What? No, we had a deal.
What are you talking about? You said you wouldn't tell anyone.
You gave me your word that you would keep it a secret! Stop.
And I trusted you! Oh, my God! It's actually true! It was just something she made up.
It WAS.
What? Stop sulking and have a cigar.
Shove it up your aristocratic arse.
You betrayed me.
Don't be an idiot.
What were you going to do? Let them know once Arc had won the bloody election? She wasn't going to win.
You heard what happened in the canteen.
Still, it wasn't your place to withhold information.
Not my place? I've spent 25 years - 25 years of your life, yes.
And I'm sure you've made tremendous advances.
But Edmund, do you really think that matters to them, honestly? Your subject is dead, you've lost the hourglass, the project is at a standstill, and you think that NOW you can play silly buggers.
Look, Edmund, they'll tire of you.
You know what that means.
And when they do, I don't want to be the next in line.
I will see this through.
I've come too far.
That's the spirit! Right.
It's back to London for me.
Those biological weapons won't sell themselves.
So.
I guess it's all over, then.
Bar the shouting.
And there's the speeches before the vote tomorrow, but it will be a miracle if she can pull it back there.
Right.
A shower for me.
One of the bedders got frightened by my puppets.
The warden might have seen them.
Oh, for fuck's sake! It's fine.
It was just a glimpse.
What can she know, anyway? They're just puppets.
Burn them.
I can't do that.
Burn them! No.
You can't ask me to do the things you do without I need to deal with this somehow.
I am on your side, but we have to tread carefully.
We can be pioneers, Linus, great men.
But if we make mistakes, people will call us much more unpleasant names.
I'm frightened! Yes, I know.
You HAVE to burn them.
Look, I stole Rosalind's speech while she was in the shower.
She wants to finish you off.
Great (!) What's she gonna dress as? She's actually gonna be serious.
She's thinking she's already got the fun vote, and now she's gonna get the rest because you look like a hypocrite for sleeping with Dorian.
What made you do that? It doesn't matter.
So, what am I supposed to do? Well, this is it.
She's left herself wide open for THE funniest speech ever.
You've just gotta get in there with jokes, really great jokes.
Jokes? This is the next part of the plan.
I'm gonna write your speech.
You? OK, I shouldn't have gone to see Rosalind.
You were right.
But this way, I can make it up to you.
Come on.
Trust me.
OK.
Dr Cooper? She's going to harp on, so, like we practised, show them your serious side.
You're everything she is, but fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rosalind Gaudain.
Mr President.
Ladies and gentlemen.
The silliness is over.
Tonight I want you to see beneath my fun-loving exterior.
I care about the issues you care about And that represents a 40% increase in our state school intake.
So, you see, when it comes to the serious stuff, I am on top of the facts.
What do you want? Charlotte here, who, to be fair is not just boring but also a hypocrite, or do you want a serious candidate, who happens to know how to show you a good time? The choice, as they say, is yours.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Charlotte Arc.
Hello, JCR.
And hello, Mr President.
I'm very much looking forward to working under you.
That'll be the second president I've been under.
I'm just hoping for a little bit more job satisfaction.
So, change for the college, change for the students, change for the better.
Thank you.
Whoo! Go on, Charlotte! She obliterated her.
Are you going to sort it out? Absolutely.
How? Just give me a minute.
What the fuck are we going to do? It was like she saw everything coming.
Can we rig the vote? No, it's computerised.
You'd need Fools.
Can you rig the election? Yes.
Aye.
But Rosalind has to do something for us in return.
Oh, God.
Fine.
What do you want, lips or hips? Dorian! Come on, cuz.
Now's no time to be prudish.
We wanna know which one of us you like the most.
Yeah.
Oh, well, that's easy.
I like .
.
you the most.
With you, I have a special connection.
I was just tricking him.
OK, great.
Let's do this.
Worky.
Yeah.
One for Charlotte.
One for Rosalind.
One for Charlotte.
One for Rosalind.
One for Charlotte.
One for Rosalind.
And the results.
Rosalind Gaudain .
.
135 votes.
Charlotte Arc .
.
63.
Yes! Fix! Fix! Fix! Fix, fix! Cheats! Cheats! Cheats! It's a fix! No.
No fix.
It's a fix! No.
My returning officers and I were present at all times.
There was no chance of there being a problem.
No! No! No fix! Well done.
Thank you.
Rosalind? Congratulations.
Thanks.
Now you've won the election, I think it's time we declared our love to the world.
Oh, really? I thought we should have sex first.
No, definitely.
I like your plan.
Umdo you wanna come to my room? Is that a suitable place for you to make love to me, really? Think, Raj.
It's a bit smelly.
Meet me at midnight in the gardens.
Brilliant! And come naked.
OK.
And bring a torch.
An electric torch? No, silly.
A big branch lit up with fire.
I that's so sexy, Don't you? Yeah.
Kinky.
See you at midnight.
You stole my speech.
Yeah, well, you know.
I figured, separate the personal from the political.
What? You're a liar and a cheat, and no matter what happens in our relationship, I can never, ever, trust you again.
You just made yourself about five times as sexy.
You know, I think I'm finally starting to work you out.
Lovely evening.
It was you, wasn't it? You rigged it.
I would have won.
If you had been elected and tried to abolish the Dandelion Club, I would have to have fought you every step of the way.
We'd have spent the whole year trying to outfox each other, and in the end you'd have achieved nothing and missed out on so much.
Missed out on so much? Like what? Like me.
Think about it.
God.
Edmund.
The crest.
What are we gonna do? What are you doing here? Oh, uh Nothing, just uh taking in some air.
Aye.
Sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
Maddy! Get off her.
What are you doing? It's all right.
We're engaged.
Is she gonna carry on asking questions, or are you gonna come over here and milk the dragon? Huh? I spotted this in the common room.
When I was at Trinity, Dr Maltravers selected me to be the college fool, for the amusement of the Dandelions.
This was all I could synthesise.
Everybody has secrets, and she will have them, and this means that, with any luck, we will, too.
I thought you didn't drink.
I don't.
You're hiding something.
I have a rule.
I don't go out with people.
You were close to Ross, weren't you? We were lovers.
Are you sure you know what you're getting into? Stephen has come up with an equation.
It's hilarious! That is pretty funny, though, eh? Let's see.
"x to the n?" That's wild.
Who's that? All the mathematicians are here.
Hey.
Let's hope it's the physicists.
Ah.
Now the party's gettin' hot! Raj.
They're really beautiful.
We were wondering whether you handsome young mathmos had decided who to vote for in the student rep elections.
Er And to help you decide, we thought maybe you'd like to party.
Er Come on, girls.
Angus? Yes, mate? Wash your penis.
It's election week.
Vote for Charlotte Arc.
Whoo! Vote for Charlotte Arc! Don't compromise your integ Vote for Charlotte Arc.
Here we go.
Ah, fools.
Enjoying your day off? Vote for Rosalind Gaudain for Student Rep.
Some people really were born to serve, weren't they? You've been requested.
Dr Maltravers.
Do me a favour, will you? Tell the good doctor he can suck my balls off.
Vote for Charlotte Arc.
look, do you really think that we can win this? Why do you say that? I don't know.
Maybe people would like her more if her campaign felt less like a lecture.
It's politics, Theo.
It's not going to be fun.
Ladies and gentlemen! She's cheering for Trinity.
It's Rosalind! ALL: Whoo! Give me an 'R'.
R! Give me an 'O'.
O! Give me an 'S'.
S! Give me an 'A'.
A! Give me an 'L'.
L! Give me an 'I'.
I! Give me an 'N'.
N! Give me a 'D'.
D! Vote for Rosalind! Whoo! Oh, bugger.
Hm.
Enjoying yourself, Edmund? Always happy to take an interest in the student body.
Charlotte Arc wants to get rid of the Dandelion Club.
Well, student reps in my day wanted to end the miners' strike.
She's a very idealistic girl.
Isn't she.
Let's cut the crap, Angela.
I know about the plebiscite.
Sorry? Plebiscite? You and Lloyd have been burrowing around in college history hoping to find a way to abolish the Dandelion Club.
You are trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
Naughty, very naughty.
Well, I don't see what you can do about it? Because once Charlotte wins the election, she'll call the plebiscite, and then the college can decide for itself whether or not it wants the Dandelion Club.
Hm.
Well, good luck.
Over the years, I've gained some small incite into the student mind, and to me, that candidate looks like a winner.
Don't try and help Charlotte Arc.
There are rules against that.
And remember, I see everything.
You can count on my vote.
I always back the prettiest candidate.
Even if she is only standing to get at me.
That is so self-centred.
I'm against the Dandelion Club on principle.
And that thing that happened between us Which you're not allowed to mention, remember? A gentleman's word is his bond.
Right, well That incident has absolutely nothing to do with my principled stand.
Well, then, good luck to you.
By the way, step it up a bit.
The virginal crusader thing works on me, but for most people here, I'm afraid, Debbie Does Dallas wins every time.
My Noble Lord Ravensby.
Bloody hell, Edmund.
You look older every time I see you.
And fuck you, too, Julius.
How's Beatrice? Always bloody moaning.
It's like she's the first person ever to get cancer.
If you're here to see your son and heir - Perish the thought.
I avoid Dorian wherever possible.
Beatrice speaks to him.
According to her, there's a girl running for student rep who wants to abolish the Dandelion Club.
Yes.
Do the Americans know about this? It's only college politics.
I'm not gonna get them worked up just because Charlotte Arc - Charlotte Arc? Richard's daughter? Yes.
If she wins, the whole enterprise will be endangered.
Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
You do remember? She doesn't stand a chance.
Your niece will see to that.
Hm.
Rosalind's a clever filly.
I've grand plans for her.
Yeah, well, why worry the Americans unnecessarily? Is Dorian helping? I'm afraid your son and I have rather fallen out.
Vote for Rosalind! I saw you watching me.
Yeah, a big dance fan, me.
I'm really into choreography.
Theo? Vote for Charlotte Arc.
I'm fine for loo roll, thanks.
Enjoy the show? Mrs Pankhurst would've approved.
Mr Pankhurst? The suffragette.
Jumped in front of a horse.
A distant relative of Charlotte's.
I'm not related to Mrs Pank- Not her.
The horse.
See you later.
Yeah.
Go away! Why are you so worried? So, Maltravers knows about the plebiscite? Once Charlotte wins, there's nothing he can do.
Yes, but that's the problem, Gabe.
She's not going to win.
What? Look at her flyer.
'Historical origins of the Dandelion club.
' Wow, 'The Dandelion club and human rights.
' This is fascinating stuff Yeah, I see your point.
Rosalind's.
Yes.
There's a difference of approach.
I'd speak to her myself, but Maltravers is watching everything I do.
Maybe Maybe you could have a word with her? It's Cooper! Cooper, Cooper, Cooper! What about Dr Cooper? He voodoo, voodoo, voodoo! Voodoo? Voodoo! Voodoo? Voodoo.
Super (!) Safe.
So, how come you decided to get involved with Rosalind's campaign? I really want to be your girlfriend.
Wow.
But we can't do anything until after the election.
OK.
Why? I've got a load of boys to help me out, and some of them have it in their heads that if they do my donkey work, they may get to have sex with me.
Pretty gullible.
But if YOU help me out, I am definitely going to be your girlfriend.
Awesome.
Uh, no reason.
No special reason.
Why did YOU decide to help out? But if YOU help me, I am definitely going to be your girlfriend.
Oh, this is amazing.
Wow.
This is, like, totally unexpected.
Come on! Whoo-hoo! Well, item number one on the campaign agenda is this.
Whoa, Charl.
They've not got you well, have they? Have you any idea how bad this looks? You're supposed to be my campaign manager! My girlfriend kissed me.
What was I meant to do? If you want to work on my campaign, stay out of contact with Rosalind until the election's over.
I'm sorry, what? That's the deal.
Take it, or you're off the team.
Are you for real? Theo they are taking an opinion poll this lunchtime.
And if I find out that I am behind because of this I assure you, Charlotte.
You won't be behind because of THIS.
Why, what's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Fine, I won't see her.
Do you promise? Yes! I promise.
Jeez.
OK, well, next item on the agenda is this.
The demo on the lawns this afternoon.
I've made this.
What's the deal with this Arc girl? She's a nobody.
You mentioned her to Mummy.
Are you soft on her? Have you fucked her? Sorry, Pater, I'm not comfortable relating the details of my personal life to fill your wank bank.
Get me a drink.
This spat with Maltravers? He's been beastly.
Edmund's a long-standing friend of the family.
He wants you to help your cousin in this election.
Since when has Edmund Maltravers told this family what to do? Don't play silly buggers.
He knows what's best for the Dandelion Club.
He doesn't need my help.
Rosalind's going to win, anyway.
You have no idea - no idea - what the Dandelion Club stands for, how much it matters! A lot of important people, including Edmund, understand better how this college works.
Heed their advice or there will be hell to pay.
Do you understand? I'll think about it.
Do you understand?! Yes.
Thank you, Daddy.
You're skiing this winter, aren't you? Yes.
See you then.
Vote for Charlotte Arc, ladies and gentlemen.
Vote for Charlotte Arc.
You do odds, me evens.
Yeah.
Actually, how about you take the bottom corridor and I'll take the top? Really? Shouldn't we stick together? It'd be more fun.
Nah.
Let's do it this way.
This does not mean I support you in the election.
It's not the elections I'm interested in.
Hello? Are you all right? Do you want a doctor or something? Do you think that you'll be voting for Charlotte Arc in the student rep election? If I was to give you a substance to eat .
.
just a tiny bit, and that tiny bit put you in a terrible pain, enough to make you unconscious for several hours, what do you think would happen if I put a great lump of that substance inside you? I dunno.
It might hurt.
Or kill.
This whole college is rotten, from the bottom to the very top.
Especially the top.
And there's nothing you, or me, or anyone, can do to change that.
I'll just put you down as a 'maybe'.
Did you have a chance to talk to Charlotte? Yes.
And? Well, she had her ideas and I had mine.
We were thinking, maybe you have something up your sleeve with a bit moreimpact.
Like wearing a tight costume? Exactly! No.
No, no, not at all.
We reached an interesting compromise.
I think it's a sad day when two dons at the finest academic institution in the world don't think that its students might prefer a genuine candidate with genuine policies to some posh girl with her baps out.
She bit your head off.
Yes.
She's got a lot of her father about her, that girl - ferocious.
Speak of the devil, look who liked this book.
Oh.
Richard's symbol.
He used to draw that everywhere.
Crop rotation in 15th century France? Rather out of his subject area.
God, he was a bloody maverick! Angie, I'm sorry.
I - No, no, no.
It's fine.
Having your own symbol, God! The ego of the man.
So, how'd it go with Cooper? Was he dabbling in black magic? No, but .
.
he's got these puppets.
No! No! Stay there.
I'll deal with it.
The bedder saw your puppets, and she now thinks you're trying to control the young boys' minds through the power of voodoo.
No voodoo yet.
Look, no knitting needles.
And he's so strange.
He never sees anyone, he's very secretive.
I mean, what does he actually do? Do? He does science stuff.
Yes, but what's his research? Well, it's easy enough to find out.
I'm Senior Tutor.
I can get you his file.
Could you? Because he just seems soodd.
So, that's a crime, being odd? You better warn the modern languages department.
You said that me supporting her wasn't a problem.
It isn't.
To me.
In fact, it's something of a vote-winner.
You are unbelievable.
Theo, darling, you have to learn to separate the personal and the political.
You do what you have to do.
I do what I have to do.
Do me a favour.
You're obviously gonna win.
Just go easy on Charlotte, eh? Aw.
No.
Fine.
You've been an amazing help (!) I've gotta go to this demo in the quad, so I'll see you around.
If you really want to protect Little Bo Peep, you might encourage her to call off that demo.
It's her last big push for votes.
If we cancel this, Charlotte might as well give up.
Well, it's up to you.
But it's going to be embarrassing.
Really embarrassing.
Are you absolutely sure this is the best time to do a demo? Strategically speaking.
What, the middle of the afternoon? Well, yeah, it's the perfect time.
At first sight, yeah.
Butstrategically speaking, wouldn't it be better to do it later? Or elsewhere? Or both.
Why? Well for For strategy.
You're weird sometimes, you know that? People say that to me all the time.
Just ignore it.
D, daddy paid for their places! A, and he'll pay for their degrees.
N, no-one knows what they spend.
D, they don't do coursework.
E, everyone has to suffer their L, libidinous desires, and I, inane parties.
O, our college has tolerated this for too Charlotte Arc! You stand accused of boring the citizens of Trinity with your incessant whinging.
Cease and desist from your dull soap-boxing, or we, the Trinity Fun Squad, will be forced to take action.
Yeah? What are you going to do? Girls, on my word.
D Word! No! Agh! Charlotte, get down! One, two, three, vote Rosalind! Vote Charlotte Arc! So.
What are you going to do now? Oh, shit.
You're ahead, by five percent.
I'm ahead? I'm ahead! It turns out that all you had to do was just put yourself out there.
Yeah.
So, why did you try to stop me going up on the podium? What? You warned me to call of the demo.
You knew that Rosalind was gonna do this.
You've seen her, haven't you? Yeah, Charlotte, I don't think I would - A day and a half, Theo.
That is all I asked.
And you promised.
We're ahead.
We shouldn't be arguing.
We're ahead.
No, 'we' are not anywhere.
Because you are off the campaign.
Oh, come on, Charlotte.
I'm on your side.
'Camelot, apologies for the emergency call.
' Lord Ravensby suggested that something was amiss.
'We have a minor situation that I assured Ravensby was under control.
' And is it? Yes.
Yes, it is entirely.
'The Dandelion club is vital to the next stage of the project.
' Charlotte Arc must not win.
'Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
' Now, you came to Trinity in '94, and your research into genetic susceptibility to glandular fever was pretty revolutionary.
Much obliged.
I'm just looking at what you've done since.
A few epidemiology papers, articles in minor journals.
Surely, this hasn't taken up all your time? How do you mean? Well, it's not what one would expect from such early promise.
I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted.
Come on, Linus.
You can tell ME.
What are you really working on? What's the big project? WellOK.
I'm investigating cell division in .
.
hedgehogs.
What it teaches us about cancer.
Hedgehogs? That's right.
They're a speciality of mine.
There's lots to say about hedgehogs.
Lots.
How can I be behind to that frigid, sanctimonious God-bothering virgin?! Maybe it was a mistake.
Polls can be mistaken.
Yeah.
Although, it was a very wide sample group.
And they were using a particularly comprehensive algorithm.
Get her out! No! Rosalind, I didn't mean it! I'm still your friend.
Please, no! Rosalind, please! No! Daddy's in town.
Already? But he said - No, it's not that.
He wants me to help you in this election.
Why? Is that him? What do you think?! OK, soI don't think you're doing anything wrong.
Charlotte had a bit more pluck than you expected, but it's nothing you can't turn around.
Your campaign just lacks one crucial element.
And what's that? Dirt.
Dirt? Have you got dirt on Charlotte Arc? Me? God, no.
Make some up.
The nastier the better.
Cover her in filth.
You wouldn't be the first.
Dirt.
You know, I'm suddenly feeling more perky.
If I get a really attractive and sexy girlfriend, who was also hot, do you think that would cause problems between us? Why would it? Oh, you know, because I'd be doing it with this amazing chick, and you'd still never have done it, you'd be like a virgin.
I'd be cool with it.
What about you, if I (WHISTLES)? Oh, without question.
Rosalind is in love with me and wants to be my girlfriend.
There, I said it.
Er, awkward.
Raj, Rosalind told me she was gonna tell some other losers that she loved them to get them to work for her, when in fact she's in love with me.
Uh, awkward.
Because she said the same thing to me.
So, it looks like you're one of those losers.
Er, awkward! No! No, because she definitely told me I was the one not being led on.
Awkward, awkward, awkward! She can't have said that, Angy, because she said the same thing to me! Oh, wait.
Unless Unless she's in love with the both of us, and is so mixed up and confused that she can't possibly choose.
Poor girl.
Poor girl.
Poor, poor, wee lassie.
Well done, Charlotte.
Thanks.
Bravo, Charlotte! Dandelions are so desperate.
Hey, you should hear what Rosalind's been saying about you.
Really, what is it? Nah, I don't want to embarrass you.
All right.
I'm sorry.
It's just really funny.
What? Come on.
Well, she's saying that you had sex with the president of the Dandelion Club.
Like anyone would believe that! It's just really funny that you, of all people I meanyou wouldn't.
Would you? Charl, you didn't, did you? I erm You little raver.
Hello there.
How could you? We had a deal.
What? No, we had a deal.
What are you talking about? You said you wouldn't tell anyone.
You gave me your word that you would keep it a secret! Stop.
And I trusted you! Oh, my God! It's actually true! It was just something she made up.
It WAS.
What? Stop sulking and have a cigar.
Shove it up your aristocratic arse.
You betrayed me.
Don't be an idiot.
What were you going to do? Let them know once Arc had won the bloody election? She wasn't going to win.
You heard what happened in the canteen.
Still, it wasn't your place to withhold information.
Not my place? I've spent 25 years - 25 years of your life, yes.
And I'm sure you've made tremendous advances.
But Edmund, do you really think that matters to them, honestly? Your subject is dead, you've lost the hourglass, the project is at a standstill, and you think that NOW you can play silly buggers.
Look, Edmund, they'll tire of you.
You know what that means.
And when they do, I don't want to be the next in line.
I will see this through.
I've come too far.
That's the spirit! Right.
It's back to London for me.
Those biological weapons won't sell themselves.
So.
I guess it's all over, then.
Bar the shouting.
And there's the speeches before the vote tomorrow, but it will be a miracle if she can pull it back there.
Right.
A shower for me.
One of the bedders got frightened by my puppets.
The warden might have seen them.
Oh, for fuck's sake! It's fine.
It was just a glimpse.
What can she know, anyway? They're just puppets.
Burn them.
I can't do that.
Burn them! No.
You can't ask me to do the things you do without I need to deal with this somehow.
I am on your side, but we have to tread carefully.
We can be pioneers, Linus, great men.
But if we make mistakes, people will call us much more unpleasant names.
I'm frightened! Yes, I know.
You HAVE to burn them.
Look, I stole Rosalind's speech while she was in the shower.
She wants to finish you off.
Great (!) What's she gonna dress as? She's actually gonna be serious.
She's thinking she's already got the fun vote, and now she's gonna get the rest because you look like a hypocrite for sleeping with Dorian.
What made you do that? It doesn't matter.
So, what am I supposed to do? Well, this is it.
She's left herself wide open for THE funniest speech ever.
You've just gotta get in there with jokes, really great jokes.
Jokes? This is the next part of the plan.
I'm gonna write your speech.
You? OK, I shouldn't have gone to see Rosalind.
You were right.
But this way, I can make it up to you.
Come on.
Trust me.
OK.
Dr Cooper? She's going to harp on, so, like we practised, show them your serious side.
You're everything she is, but fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rosalind Gaudain.
Mr President.
Ladies and gentlemen.
The silliness is over.
Tonight I want you to see beneath my fun-loving exterior.
I care about the issues you care about And that represents a 40% increase in our state school intake.
So, you see, when it comes to the serious stuff, I am on top of the facts.
What do you want? Charlotte here, who, to be fair is not just boring but also a hypocrite, or do you want a serious candidate, who happens to know how to show you a good time? The choice, as they say, is yours.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Charlotte Arc.
Hello, JCR.
And hello, Mr President.
I'm very much looking forward to working under you.
That'll be the second president I've been under.
I'm just hoping for a little bit more job satisfaction.
So, change for the college, change for the students, change for the better.
Thank you.
Whoo! Go on, Charlotte! She obliterated her.
Are you going to sort it out? Absolutely.
How? Just give me a minute.
What the fuck are we going to do? It was like she saw everything coming.
Can we rig the vote? No, it's computerised.
You'd need Fools.
Can you rig the election? Yes.
Aye.
But Rosalind has to do something for us in return.
Oh, God.
Fine.
What do you want, lips or hips? Dorian! Come on, cuz.
Now's no time to be prudish.
We wanna know which one of us you like the most.
Yeah.
Oh, well, that's easy.
I like .
.
you the most.
With you, I have a special connection.
I was just tricking him.
OK, great.
Let's do this.
Worky.
Yeah.
One for Charlotte.
One for Rosalind.
One for Charlotte.
One for Rosalind.
One for Charlotte.
One for Rosalind.
And the results.
Rosalind Gaudain .
.
135 votes.
Charlotte Arc .
.
63.
Yes! Fix! Fix! Fix! Fix, fix! Cheats! Cheats! Cheats! It's a fix! No.
No fix.
It's a fix! No.
My returning officers and I were present at all times.
There was no chance of there being a problem.
No! No! No fix! Well done.
Thank you.
Rosalind? Congratulations.
Thanks.
Now you've won the election, I think it's time we declared our love to the world.
Oh, really? I thought we should have sex first.
No, definitely.
I like your plan.
Umdo you wanna come to my room? Is that a suitable place for you to make love to me, really? Think, Raj.
It's a bit smelly.
Meet me at midnight in the gardens.
Brilliant! And come naked.
OK.
And bring a torch.
An electric torch? No, silly.
A big branch lit up with fire.
I that's so sexy, Don't you? Yeah.
Kinky.
See you at midnight.
You stole my speech.
Yeah, well, you know.
I figured, separate the personal from the political.
What? You're a liar and a cheat, and no matter what happens in our relationship, I can never, ever, trust you again.
You just made yourself about five times as sexy.
You know, I think I'm finally starting to work you out.
Lovely evening.
It was you, wasn't it? You rigged it.
I would have won.
If you had been elected and tried to abolish the Dandelion Club, I would have to have fought you every step of the way.
We'd have spent the whole year trying to outfox each other, and in the end you'd have achieved nothing and missed out on so much.
Missed out on so much? Like what? Like me.
Think about it.
God.
Edmund.
The crest.
What are we gonna do? What are you doing here? Oh, uh Nothing, just uh taking in some air.
Aye.
Sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
Maddy! Get off her.
What are you doing? It's all right.
We're engaged.
Is she gonna carry on asking questions, or are you gonna come over here and milk the dragon? Huh? I spotted this in the common room.
When I was at Trinity, Dr Maltravers selected me to be the college fool, for the amusement of the Dandelions.
This was all I could synthesise.
Everybody has secrets, and she will have them, and this means that, with any luck, we will, too.
I thought you didn't drink.
I don't.