Tripping the Rift s03e09 Episode Script
Witness Protection
(theme music playing) (vacuum whirring) (hair dryer whirring) (alarm wails) Why can't I stop thinking about tits? Chode: Come on, come on, Granny.
At your age trans fats are the least of your problems.
Take a pill, you bloated butt-plug.
You'll be old one day.
Yeah, and I'll still be in this supermarket.
Oh relax, Chode.
It's a waste of time getting all oh my sweet Lord.
Frozen quiche is on special.
Oh, move it.
Move it, you old bag! (whimpers) About time.
What are the odds we end up behind her while she's counting out her kronigs at the check out? - (crashes) - (screaming) Watch where you're going, you purple freak.
You nearly took my little Brad's leg off.
- (baby sneezes) - (groans) - (sniggers) - Okay, that's it.
Let's get where we have to and get out of this dump.
And remember, just the essentials.
I ain't made of money.
- Man #1: Now? - Man #2: No, let's wait.
Oh, my favorite Sugar Frosted Flies with cricket chips.
Buy that cheaper brand, the ones with the wings and the legs still attached.
Aw.
Sanitary napkins, If your box wasn't so jumbo, we'd save a fortune.
Eat and die.
Chode, what do you think of these melons? What is this, "The Benny Hill Show"? Hmm.
Man #2: Wait for it.
Now.
Hey, Six, check out these penis pills.
Says just one guarantees a whole night of lovemaking.
Freeze, McBlob.
You're under arrest.
- ! Those pills are amazing.
Chode's screwed already.
(clatters) You got my boy's name wrong, you moron.
Brad is spelled with a D, not a T.
(screams) (chuckles) - Whoa! - (clatters) - (crackles) - (groans) I don't understand.
Why have they arrested Chode? There's probably some law about barring ugly people from the store.
Then how come you're still rolling around freely? We have to do something.
Find out what all this is about, argue his case, break him out.
Or we could go back to the ship, relax, pay Chode's bail, then take off.
- Quiche, anyone? - (sighs) Come on, I've been here over 24 hours.
Will you two goons tell me what's going on? You're in a world of trouble.
Says you.
You haven't got anything on me.
Only a videotape of you pilfering unpaid-for produce.
Unpaid-for produce? Is this a joke? Chocolate-covered raisins and tissues are no joke.
Hey, that kid sprayed me with snot.
I ought to sue that store for mucus abuse.
- What about the raisin? - What about it? That video will never stand up in court.
You can't prove it was me on it.
The results from forensics might help.
What the hell are you doing here? Slow day bringing down international terrorists? They found that Raisinette in your stool sample.
That's pretty sad.
Me sad? You're the ones poking around in my You're looking at two counts of felony theft.
And if I remember correctly, this is your third strike.
Tsk tsk tsk.
You could be looking at 30 years.
Hey, I'm entitled to a phone call.
You had one yesterday, remember? Too bad you blew it on phone sex.
There's got to be something we can do about this.
Can't we reach some kind of a deal? Hmm, a deal? Yes.
It's not really you that I want.
There's somebody else.
Hey, forget it.
I'm no snitch.
I don't name names.
Then you're going in for 30 years.
Now I come to think of it, a few do come to mind.
Whip is always stealing my porno mags.
I have to nail everything down when T'nuk is around.
In fact, the whole bunch of them are as crooked as an Englishman's teeth.
And my mother, whenever she's at the diner she's always lifting those little packets of Sweet'N Low, and We need you to testify against Darph Bobo.
Are you kidding? Bobo would make my life more of a misery than it already is if I fingered him.
Even his proctologist is starting to drink.
But I don't even have anything to testify against Bobo for.
Think again, Chode.
Remember that party a while back? You and a few others got together for an evening of drinking, gambling and who knows what other debauchery on Bobo's ship.
Chode: Oh yeah, Bobo's birthday bash.
We decided to bury the hatchet for the night.
No broads except for hookers I mean, invited female guests.
Do you know what time it is? I said you could go till midnight.
I need my beauty sleep.
Give it a rest, will you? You only turn 40 once.
And you won't turn 41 if you don't come to bed.
And get rid of that slut.
- Hit me.
- Don't tempt me, you bastard.
- 20! - 19.
Read 'em and weep.
Looks like I get to take you home.
You cheated.
It's my birthday, and I should be getting the snatch.
Chode, aren't you gonna do something? Why should I care? I got a red-hot android with gazoomers that go on forever back on my ship.
Yeah, and you've got a bitchy old lady covered in waiting for you upstairs.
You take that back, or I'll shove my birthday present up your ass.
- (gasps) - (crashes) It's been a blast, Darph.
Happy birthday.
Nobody insults Darph Bobo.
You're a dead man, you hear me? D-E-D, dead.
But how the hell do you know all this? Because that green character was working undercover for us.
He reported in, then showed up dead the following day.
Bobo might be lousy at spelling words, but he's good for his word.
Okay, but what has this got to do with We can't find the hooker, and you're the only one who heard Bobo's threat.
And that's what you're going to testify to.
Or 30 years.
Thanks for understanding.
What if Bobo finds out I'm gonna squeal on him? We'll put you in a witness protection program until the trial, give you a new name, relocate you on a suburban planet somewhere.
He'll never find you.
Do we have a deal? Do I have a choice? You've made the right decision, Chode.
Bobo is going to fry for what he did.
- Huh? - And it's all thanks to you.
- (growls) - (thumps) You! I should have known you'd rat me out.
It's curtains for you, you dirty purple stoolie! You're dead.
- (gasps) - Do you hear me? D-E-D, dead.
That's the third time this week.
I've got to remember to close that door.
My name is Alice Marie.
Nothing strange has ever happened in my life.
That is, until recently.
That was when I went into my bedroom and retrieved an old revolver that hadn't been used in years.
(clicking) God piece of - (clicks) - (gunshot) (crashes) Alice certainly had a beautiful funeral.
All: Yes.
Except when that whore Deidre grabbed her husband's ass.
I'm really going to miss her.
She had so many good qualities.
I'll even miss Alice's bad qualities.
Remember, she tended to be a little paranoid.
- And she was bigoted.
- And a snob.
- And irrational.
- (all giggling) Alice: A funny thing happens when you die.
Your body is gone, but you can still see and hear everything.
What a bunch of bitches.
Woman #1: Hey, there's that strange family that moved in next to Alice's place.
They've sure been keeping to themselves.
Woman #1: Where do you think they're from? Woman #2: Probably Africa.
They've brought their wildebeest with them.
This may sound weird, but I've been without male companionship for so long, even that disgusting fat purple one is beginning to look good.
I hear you, sister.
My dear old hubby spends so much time working I'm ready to date a banana.
No wonder that broad next door shot herself.
This place is so boring.
I agree.
The flesh-burning pus swamps controlled by the scab-infested anus rapers on planet Vomitaria look good right now.
Only a complete idiot could be happy living in this urb.
Wow, there are some really cool video games here.
I just broke the all-time record for hours logged on to Universe of Warcraft.
I rest my case.
We can't even make a run for it if we wanted.
Why did I let Adam talk me into placing Bob in the program? Who knows where he is? Spaceship: Of course back in those days, space exploration was exciting.
We used to go where no man had gone before.
Now these places are resorts full of I don't even want to know.
Bob: Kill me now.
#I'd love to be # #Here on the sidewalk # #Watching you, baby, moving so sexy # #I can feel your desire # (giggles) #You look at me # #Your eyes on fire # - Ooh! - Chode, what are you thinking? I'm thinking if I'm ever reincarnated, I'd like to come back as that car.
Chode, don't even consider fooling around while we're here.
We don't want to draw attention to ourselves.
Or do you want to end up as a corpse? Or a prison bitch for 30 years? Nix the prison bitch talk.
Here come the local natives.
Hi there, neighbors.
We noticed you moving in.
- I'm Sue-Anne.
- I'm Danielle.
And I'm horny.
- Ugh.
- Ooh.
Sue-Anne, Danielle, Horny, I'm Ch er, Chance.
I'm Chance.
They're a bunch of nobody losers who cannot hold any possible interest for you.
Chance, I was wondering, have you seen my pussy? - No, but the night is still young.
- Chance.
(laughs) Here it is.
(cat meows) - (yowls) - Ugh! Chance, what do you think of my hooters? - They're magnificent.
- Six: Chance! (giggles) No, silly.
Up there.
Hey, wanna see my ass? Oh, you have a donkey? No, an ass.
Why don't you all kiss it? Whoa! I've seen smaller cracks on a fault line.
(groans) Okay, Mr.
Bobo.
I'll take your case, but I have to warn you, it's not going to be easy.
I suppose it makes no difference that I'm innocent, Miss Bullred? An alibi for the time in question wouldn't hurt.
I told you.
I was in bed hung-over from the night before.
It's not my fault my old lady was off having her ass waxed.
This Chode character, you say he's in a witness protection program? Don't mention that name in front of me.
What if someone were to find him? I'm one step ahead of you, Miss Bullred.
I got the smartest, most experienced hit man that kronigs can buy on his trail.
What's his modus operandi? He sticks "Have you seen this man?" posters on telephone poles.
Ugh.
Well you'd better pray you do find this Chode, or you're gonna fry.
Gee, you don't sound very optimistic.
Of course I'm optimistic.
By the way, I need to be paid upfront in full.
Danielle: I virtually threw myself at that miserable mauve, and he still hasn't come sniffing around.
Perhaps I was too subtle.
Yeah.
"Have you seen my pussy?" Really subtle.
If you insist on jumping his bones, why don't you throw a welcome-to-the-neighborhood party? Hey, that's a great idea.
Where? When? Why not here, tonight? I have an idea.
Ron always liked my lobster thermador.
All I need is 3 lbs of cheddar cheese, nutmeg, six bottles of dry white wine, a dozen lobsters and 30 gallons of boiling water.
Alice: Is it any wonder why her husband had a heart attack? Spaceship: You know, I never did understand why the broads threw themselves at the captain.
He used to come at rift speed, if you get my drift.
Besides, I think it was all an act.
He and Scotty were a little light in the lithium crystals, if you know what I mean.
Always referring to me as a woman.
And what was all that "She's gonna blow" bull? Bob: Believe me, you're the lucky one.
I hear the dead woman's husband next door left town.
Smart guy.
Aren't you curious as to why she killed herself? We should take a look around.
(grunts) Jeez, why don't you marry a Spice Girl and sign for the LA Galaxy? Oh dear, now I'll have to climb over the fence and get it back.
- (grunts) - (crashes) Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
If I stay around here much longer, I'm gonna kill something.
And if you don't stay, you might be the one getting killed.
I'm willing to reenter the civilized world and take my chances.
There's no way that assassin will ever find me.
And if he does, I'll kick his ass.
- (doorbell rings) - (screams) (whimpering) (doorbell rings) It's the babe from across the street.
Hello again, Chance.
I've just dropped by to invite you over for a welcoming party.
One moment, I'll consult my friends.
Please, Six.
Let me go.
I'll be good, I promise.
Please! - It'll be safer if we come along.
- Thank you.
Are my friends invited? If they're not, who cares? I'll just tell them they are and ditch them later.
Of course they're invited.
Except for the ugly fat one with the big ass.
Deal.
What time shall we be there? Any time you're ready.
The front door is always open.
Or you can go around to the back and enter that way.
And don't worry, we're harmless.
T'nuk: "They are all stupid, shallow and I believe quite insane.
I fear for my life.
" Holy! Those crazy housewives killed her! Hey, you'll never Huh? Damn.
- (doorbell rings) - Don't forget to use your aliases.
Hi neighbors, glad you could make our little party.
Come on in.
- And no hanky-panky.
- I promise.
- Are you crossing your fingers? - Of course not.
So throw a party and not invite me, eh? Well, nobody kisses off Deidre Clit and gets away with it.
Yes.
I think I have.
Look who's here, everyone.
- Our new neighbors.
- Hi, Chance.
We didn't catch your names.
- Hi, ladies.
I'm Wally.
- Who cares? - I'm Seven.
- We all lie about our ages, honey, but aren't you stretching it a bit? And I'm Guffman.
I'm a 500K model.
You shouldn't sell yourself short, Guffman.
Danielle used to be a model, and she'd charge a lot more than 500K.
I beg your pardon? - (doorbell dings) - I'll get it.
Can I get you guys a drink? Tie me to the bedpost.
That's vodka, rum, melon liqueur and sour mix, right? No, tie me to the bedpost, really.
I'm looking for my friends.
- I don't believe you were invited.
- (squealing) Oh my God, I'm too late! What have you done, you crazy bitch? Get a grip, Cujo.
What are you talking about? Quit blowing smoke up my ass.
I heard a scream.
It's the lobsters.
I just put them in the water.
Oh yeah? Then where's Chance? Strange.
He and Sue-Anne were here a moment a (gasps) Chance, you'd better not be doing what I think you're doing.
(Chance grunting) (Sue-Anne moans) And that's how you do the foxtrot.
Now the waltz is something completely different.
Ow ow.
Ow ow ow ow ow! Not so rough.
Quick, we have to get out of here.
They killed their neighbor and we could be next.
(panting) Who do you want to be, Mummy or Daddy? - Uh, Daddy? - Okay, Daddy.
Get over here and suck Mummy's - (zips) - Good news.
The undercover agent's wife just confessed to killing him.
She found him banging the hooker and blew his head off.
- You're free to leave.
- Hallelujah! I'll write, I promise.
Now that you're off the hook, you should cancel that hit on Chode.
Here's your cell phone.
Nah.
He's out in the boonies.
It's the middle of the day.
Think of the roaming charges.
(laughs hysterically) Spaceship: And let me tell you about those Tribbles.
They weren't cute, adorable balls of fluff.
They were cooties spacecraft crabs.
I scratched for a month after those little bastards infected us.
Bob: Yes, finally.
Get this old piece of outta here before I lose my mind.
No, not me.
You've got the wrong ship.
You're making a mistake! (grumbling) No nooky until I mow the lawn.
Six is taking this suburban crap way too seriously.
I can't wait until tomorrow when we're out of here.
(clicks) Not getting into Chance's pants was bad enough.
But lobster three times a day for the next month? - Give me a break.
- Hey, what's going on over there? Oh my Lord, it's a man with a gun! And he's pointing it at Chance.
Danielle: He's kinda cute.
Sue-Anne: Damn, here comes that whore Deidre.
(gunshot) (engine sputters) (mutters) - Whoa! - (women laughing) - I saw him first! - Back off, bitch, this one's mine! - Stop squashing.
- There's enough here for all of us.
- (grunts) - Chode, we just received a message from Commander Adam.
The case against Bobo has fallen through.
You don't have to testify.
We can leave.
Yeah, and about time too.
This place should be in the record books for being the most mind-numbing hole in the universe.
(groans) Alice: Look at them.
They'll screw anything that moves.
But they didn't kill me, and I wasn't referring to them in my journal.
I was talking about that bunch of foreigners who moved in next door to me.
My friends are right.
I am a paranoid, bigoted, irrational snob.
And yes, I shot myself.
I mean, who wants to live next to stupid holes like that? Bob: I swear I'll get even with you for what you put me through.
Quit your bitching, Bob.
Nobody got hurt.
Another minute and I would have been recycled into intergalactic porta-potties.
If it'll make you feel better, it's good to be back onboard.
Those housewives were driving me up the wall.
Yeah, up the wall into the mattress and against the cupboard.
Hey, I had everything under control.
There's not a woman alive who can bring old Chodie to his knees.
(whooshes) Hi, Chance.
Hi.
You left so quickly you didn't even say goodbye.
Don't we have some unfinished business? (groans) - (whooshes) - Whoa whoa whoa! - What the? - Now we're even.
(shrieks) You! Maybe it's for the best, Uncle Chode.
She is a little crazy.
She's not crazy.
Like the others, she's just a woman whose emotional needs aren't being met.
She's simply looking for something to fill that empty hole inside.
- ! Oh.
Oh, hello.
Maybe that guy has something to fill her empty hole.
Let's get out of here.
(theme music playing)
At your age trans fats are the least of your problems.
Take a pill, you bloated butt-plug.
You'll be old one day.
Yeah, and I'll still be in this supermarket.
Oh relax, Chode.
It's a waste of time getting all oh my sweet Lord.
Frozen quiche is on special.
Oh, move it.
Move it, you old bag! (whimpers) About time.
What are the odds we end up behind her while she's counting out her kronigs at the check out? - (crashes) - (screaming) Watch where you're going, you purple freak.
You nearly took my little Brad's leg off.
- (baby sneezes) - (groans) - (sniggers) - Okay, that's it.
Let's get where we have to and get out of this dump.
And remember, just the essentials.
I ain't made of money.
- Man #1: Now? - Man #2: No, let's wait.
Oh, my favorite Sugar Frosted Flies with cricket chips.
Buy that cheaper brand, the ones with the wings and the legs still attached.
Aw.
Sanitary napkins, If your box wasn't so jumbo, we'd save a fortune.
Eat and die.
Chode, what do you think of these melons? What is this, "The Benny Hill Show"? Hmm.
Man #2: Wait for it.
Now.
Hey, Six, check out these penis pills.
Says just one guarantees a whole night of lovemaking.
Freeze, McBlob.
You're under arrest.
- ! Those pills are amazing.
Chode's screwed already.
(clatters) You got my boy's name wrong, you moron.
Brad is spelled with a D, not a T.
(screams) (chuckles) - Whoa! - (clatters) - (crackles) - (groans) I don't understand.
Why have they arrested Chode? There's probably some law about barring ugly people from the store.
Then how come you're still rolling around freely? We have to do something.
Find out what all this is about, argue his case, break him out.
Or we could go back to the ship, relax, pay Chode's bail, then take off.
- Quiche, anyone? - (sighs) Come on, I've been here over 24 hours.
Will you two goons tell me what's going on? You're in a world of trouble.
Says you.
You haven't got anything on me.
Only a videotape of you pilfering unpaid-for produce.
Unpaid-for produce? Is this a joke? Chocolate-covered raisins and tissues are no joke.
Hey, that kid sprayed me with snot.
I ought to sue that store for mucus abuse.
- What about the raisin? - What about it? That video will never stand up in court.
You can't prove it was me on it.
The results from forensics might help.
What the hell are you doing here? Slow day bringing down international terrorists? They found that Raisinette in your stool sample.
That's pretty sad.
Me sad? You're the ones poking around in my You're looking at two counts of felony theft.
And if I remember correctly, this is your third strike.
Tsk tsk tsk.
You could be looking at 30 years.
Hey, I'm entitled to a phone call.
You had one yesterday, remember? Too bad you blew it on phone sex.
There's got to be something we can do about this.
Can't we reach some kind of a deal? Hmm, a deal? Yes.
It's not really you that I want.
There's somebody else.
Hey, forget it.
I'm no snitch.
I don't name names.
Then you're going in for 30 years.
Now I come to think of it, a few do come to mind.
Whip is always stealing my porno mags.
I have to nail everything down when T'nuk is around.
In fact, the whole bunch of them are as crooked as an Englishman's teeth.
And my mother, whenever she's at the diner she's always lifting those little packets of Sweet'N Low, and We need you to testify against Darph Bobo.
Are you kidding? Bobo would make my life more of a misery than it already is if I fingered him.
Even his proctologist is starting to drink.
But I don't even have anything to testify against Bobo for.
Think again, Chode.
Remember that party a while back? You and a few others got together for an evening of drinking, gambling and who knows what other debauchery on Bobo's ship.
Chode: Oh yeah, Bobo's birthday bash.
We decided to bury the hatchet for the night.
No broads except for hookers I mean, invited female guests.
Do you know what time it is? I said you could go till midnight.
I need my beauty sleep.
Give it a rest, will you? You only turn 40 once.
And you won't turn 41 if you don't come to bed.
And get rid of that slut.
- Hit me.
- Don't tempt me, you bastard.
- 20! - 19.
Read 'em and weep.
Looks like I get to take you home.
You cheated.
It's my birthday, and I should be getting the snatch.
Chode, aren't you gonna do something? Why should I care? I got a red-hot android with gazoomers that go on forever back on my ship.
Yeah, and you've got a bitchy old lady covered in waiting for you upstairs.
You take that back, or I'll shove my birthday present up your ass.
- (gasps) - (crashes) It's been a blast, Darph.
Happy birthday.
Nobody insults Darph Bobo.
You're a dead man, you hear me? D-E-D, dead.
But how the hell do you know all this? Because that green character was working undercover for us.
He reported in, then showed up dead the following day.
Bobo might be lousy at spelling words, but he's good for his word.
Okay, but what has this got to do with We can't find the hooker, and you're the only one who heard Bobo's threat.
And that's what you're going to testify to.
Or 30 years.
Thanks for understanding.
What if Bobo finds out I'm gonna squeal on him? We'll put you in a witness protection program until the trial, give you a new name, relocate you on a suburban planet somewhere.
He'll never find you.
Do we have a deal? Do I have a choice? You've made the right decision, Chode.
Bobo is going to fry for what he did.
- Huh? - And it's all thanks to you.
- (growls) - (thumps) You! I should have known you'd rat me out.
It's curtains for you, you dirty purple stoolie! You're dead.
- (gasps) - Do you hear me? D-E-D, dead.
That's the third time this week.
I've got to remember to close that door.
My name is Alice Marie.
Nothing strange has ever happened in my life.
That is, until recently.
That was when I went into my bedroom and retrieved an old revolver that hadn't been used in years.
(clicking) God piece of - (clicks) - (gunshot) (crashes) Alice certainly had a beautiful funeral.
All: Yes.
Except when that whore Deidre grabbed her husband's ass.
I'm really going to miss her.
She had so many good qualities.
I'll even miss Alice's bad qualities.
Remember, she tended to be a little paranoid.
- And she was bigoted.
- And a snob.
- And irrational.
- (all giggling) Alice: A funny thing happens when you die.
Your body is gone, but you can still see and hear everything.
What a bunch of bitches.
Woman #1: Hey, there's that strange family that moved in next to Alice's place.
They've sure been keeping to themselves.
Woman #1: Where do you think they're from? Woman #2: Probably Africa.
They've brought their wildebeest with them.
This may sound weird, but I've been without male companionship for so long, even that disgusting fat purple one is beginning to look good.
I hear you, sister.
My dear old hubby spends so much time working I'm ready to date a banana.
No wonder that broad next door shot herself.
This place is so boring.
I agree.
The flesh-burning pus swamps controlled by the scab-infested anus rapers on planet Vomitaria look good right now.
Only a complete idiot could be happy living in this urb.
Wow, there are some really cool video games here.
I just broke the all-time record for hours logged on to Universe of Warcraft.
I rest my case.
We can't even make a run for it if we wanted.
Why did I let Adam talk me into placing Bob in the program? Who knows where he is? Spaceship: Of course back in those days, space exploration was exciting.
We used to go where no man had gone before.
Now these places are resorts full of I don't even want to know.
Bob: Kill me now.
#I'd love to be # #Here on the sidewalk # #Watching you, baby, moving so sexy # #I can feel your desire # (giggles) #You look at me # #Your eyes on fire # - Ooh! - Chode, what are you thinking? I'm thinking if I'm ever reincarnated, I'd like to come back as that car.
Chode, don't even consider fooling around while we're here.
We don't want to draw attention to ourselves.
Or do you want to end up as a corpse? Or a prison bitch for 30 years? Nix the prison bitch talk.
Here come the local natives.
Hi there, neighbors.
We noticed you moving in.
- I'm Sue-Anne.
- I'm Danielle.
And I'm horny.
- Ugh.
- Ooh.
Sue-Anne, Danielle, Horny, I'm Ch er, Chance.
I'm Chance.
They're a bunch of nobody losers who cannot hold any possible interest for you.
Chance, I was wondering, have you seen my pussy? - No, but the night is still young.
- Chance.
(laughs) Here it is.
(cat meows) - (yowls) - Ugh! Chance, what do you think of my hooters? - They're magnificent.
- Six: Chance! (giggles) No, silly.
Up there.
Hey, wanna see my ass? Oh, you have a donkey? No, an ass.
Why don't you all kiss it? Whoa! I've seen smaller cracks on a fault line.
(groans) Okay, Mr.
Bobo.
I'll take your case, but I have to warn you, it's not going to be easy.
I suppose it makes no difference that I'm innocent, Miss Bullred? An alibi for the time in question wouldn't hurt.
I told you.
I was in bed hung-over from the night before.
It's not my fault my old lady was off having her ass waxed.
This Chode character, you say he's in a witness protection program? Don't mention that name in front of me.
What if someone were to find him? I'm one step ahead of you, Miss Bullred.
I got the smartest, most experienced hit man that kronigs can buy on his trail.
What's his modus operandi? He sticks "Have you seen this man?" posters on telephone poles.
Ugh.
Well you'd better pray you do find this Chode, or you're gonna fry.
Gee, you don't sound very optimistic.
Of course I'm optimistic.
By the way, I need to be paid upfront in full.
Danielle: I virtually threw myself at that miserable mauve, and he still hasn't come sniffing around.
Perhaps I was too subtle.
Yeah.
"Have you seen my pussy?" Really subtle.
If you insist on jumping his bones, why don't you throw a welcome-to-the-neighborhood party? Hey, that's a great idea.
Where? When? Why not here, tonight? I have an idea.
Ron always liked my lobster thermador.
All I need is 3 lbs of cheddar cheese, nutmeg, six bottles of dry white wine, a dozen lobsters and 30 gallons of boiling water.
Alice: Is it any wonder why her husband had a heart attack? Spaceship: You know, I never did understand why the broads threw themselves at the captain.
He used to come at rift speed, if you get my drift.
Besides, I think it was all an act.
He and Scotty were a little light in the lithium crystals, if you know what I mean.
Always referring to me as a woman.
And what was all that "She's gonna blow" bull? Bob: Believe me, you're the lucky one.
I hear the dead woman's husband next door left town.
Smart guy.
Aren't you curious as to why she killed herself? We should take a look around.
(grunts) Jeez, why don't you marry a Spice Girl and sign for the LA Galaxy? Oh dear, now I'll have to climb over the fence and get it back.
- (grunts) - (crashes) Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
If I stay around here much longer, I'm gonna kill something.
And if you don't stay, you might be the one getting killed.
I'm willing to reenter the civilized world and take my chances.
There's no way that assassin will ever find me.
And if he does, I'll kick his ass.
- (doorbell rings) - (screams) (whimpering) (doorbell rings) It's the babe from across the street.
Hello again, Chance.
I've just dropped by to invite you over for a welcoming party.
One moment, I'll consult my friends.
Please, Six.
Let me go.
I'll be good, I promise.
Please! - It'll be safer if we come along.
- Thank you.
Are my friends invited? If they're not, who cares? I'll just tell them they are and ditch them later.
Of course they're invited.
Except for the ugly fat one with the big ass.
Deal.
What time shall we be there? Any time you're ready.
The front door is always open.
Or you can go around to the back and enter that way.
And don't worry, we're harmless.
T'nuk: "They are all stupid, shallow and I believe quite insane.
I fear for my life.
" Holy! Those crazy housewives killed her! Hey, you'll never Huh? Damn.
- (doorbell rings) - Don't forget to use your aliases.
Hi neighbors, glad you could make our little party.
Come on in.
- And no hanky-panky.
- I promise.
- Are you crossing your fingers? - Of course not.
So throw a party and not invite me, eh? Well, nobody kisses off Deidre Clit and gets away with it.
Yes.
I think I have.
Look who's here, everyone.
- Our new neighbors.
- Hi, Chance.
We didn't catch your names.
- Hi, ladies.
I'm Wally.
- Who cares? - I'm Seven.
- We all lie about our ages, honey, but aren't you stretching it a bit? And I'm Guffman.
I'm a 500K model.
You shouldn't sell yourself short, Guffman.
Danielle used to be a model, and she'd charge a lot more than 500K.
I beg your pardon? - (doorbell dings) - I'll get it.
Can I get you guys a drink? Tie me to the bedpost.
That's vodka, rum, melon liqueur and sour mix, right? No, tie me to the bedpost, really.
I'm looking for my friends.
- I don't believe you were invited.
- (squealing) Oh my God, I'm too late! What have you done, you crazy bitch? Get a grip, Cujo.
What are you talking about? Quit blowing smoke up my ass.
I heard a scream.
It's the lobsters.
I just put them in the water.
Oh yeah? Then where's Chance? Strange.
He and Sue-Anne were here a moment a (gasps) Chance, you'd better not be doing what I think you're doing.
(Chance grunting) (Sue-Anne moans) And that's how you do the foxtrot.
Now the waltz is something completely different.
Ow ow.
Ow ow ow ow ow! Not so rough.
Quick, we have to get out of here.
They killed their neighbor and we could be next.
(panting) Who do you want to be, Mummy or Daddy? - Uh, Daddy? - Okay, Daddy.
Get over here and suck Mummy's - (zips) - Good news.
The undercover agent's wife just confessed to killing him.
She found him banging the hooker and blew his head off.
- You're free to leave.
- Hallelujah! I'll write, I promise.
Now that you're off the hook, you should cancel that hit on Chode.
Here's your cell phone.
Nah.
He's out in the boonies.
It's the middle of the day.
Think of the roaming charges.
(laughs hysterically) Spaceship: And let me tell you about those Tribbles.
They weren't cute, adorable balls of fluff.
They were cooties spacecraft crabs.
I scratched for a month after those little bastards infected us.
Bob: Yes, finally.
Get this old piece of outta here before I lose my mind.
No, not me.
You've got the wrong ship.
You're making a mistake! (grumbling) No nooky until I mow the lawn.
Six is taking this suburban crap way too seriously.
I can't wait until tomorrow when we're out of here.
(clicks) Not getting into Chance's pants was bad enough.
But lobster three times a day for the next month? - Give me a break.
- Hey, what's going on over there? Oh my Lord, it's a man with a gun! And he's pointing it at Chance.
Danielle: He's kinda cute.
Sue-Anne: Damn, here comes that whore Deidre.
(gunshot) (engine sputters) (mutters) - Whoa! - (women laughing) - I saw him first! - Back off, bitch, this one's mine! - Stop squashing.
- There's enough here for all of us.
- (grunts) - Chode, we just received a message from Commander Adam.
The case against Bobo has fallen through.
You don't have to testify.
We can leave.
Yeah, and about time too.
This place should be in the record books for being the most mind-numbing hole in the universe.
(groans) Alice: Look at them.
They'll screw anything that moves.
But they didn't kill me, and I wasn't referring to them in my journal.
I was talking about that bunch of foreigners who moved in next door to me.
My friends are right.
I am a paranoid, bigoted, irrational snob.
And yes, I shot myself.
I mean, who wants to live next to stupid holes like that? Bob: I swear I'll get even with you for what you put me through.
Quit your bitching, Bob.
Nobody got hurt.
Another minute and I would have been recycled into intergalactic porta-potties.
If it'll make you feel better, it's good to be back onboard.
Those housewives were driving me up the wall.
Yeah, up the wall into the mattress and against the cupboard.
Hey, I had everything under control.
There's not a woman alive who can bring old Chodie to his knees.
(whooshes) Hi, Chance.
Hi.
You left so quickly you didn't even say goodbye.
Don't we have some unfinished business? (groans) - (whooshes) - Whoa whoa whoa! - What the? - Now we're even.
(shrieks) You! Maybe it's for the best, Uncle Chode.
She is a little crazy.
She's not crazy.
Like the others, she's just a woman whose emotional needs aren't being met.
She's simply looking for something to fill that empty hole inside.
- ! Oh.
Oh, hello.
Maybe that guy has something to fill her empty hole.
Let's get out of here.
(theme music playing)