TripTank (2014) s02e08 Episode Script
Precipice of Yesterday
1 [crying.]
I know you're both watching over me.
I promise to make you proud.
[gentle music.]
[woman.]
Oh oh! [rhythmic thumping.]
Oh, take me! Take me like a majestic horse.
Oh ha ha! Oh, this is a whole different kind of petting zoo.
[horse neighs.]
Oh, God! Ohhhhh! 2x08 - Precipice of Yesterday [light music.]
Hey, Harv, I have a baby ready for you to deliver.
- Great.
Hand it over.
- The thing is [exhales.]
I don't think you want it.
Stop messing around, Sam.
Give it here.
What's the big deal? Oh! Oh, my [hard rock music.]
[grunting.]
[growling.]
Three aliens came from the sky The Galactic Council sent them And here's the reason why Their mission is to study Earth's most average guy To see if humans are worth saving Or if everyone has to die Wait.
What? [TV in background.]
[sips.]
[farts.]
Whoa! I'm so sorry, guys.
That was gross.
Uh, guys? [sniffing.]
I feel like my head's full of rainbow bubbles.
- Oh.
What is this? - Guys, please.
It's called a fart.
And again, I'm sorry.
It must have been from all the beans in my burrito.
- More! More! I want more! - Jesus Christ, come on! Ugh! - Beans? - It's beans yeah, beans.
Beans for breakfast.
Everybody eats beans.
- Eat your beans.
- Sammy, what the hell is going on here? Here's the thing you got to understand, Jeff: Jimmy and I can handle your farts like mature adults.
Yeah, I mean, look, if I'm gonna party, everyone's having a good time, and you fart, sure, I'll sniff it.
But for Sammy, well, it's different.
Guys, you're exaggerating.
I don't even really like farts.
[squish.]
What was that? Was that a fart? - Are you holding out on me - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - You [bleep.]
sucker? - Relax! Relax! [chuckles.]
That was a joke.
Oh, man, you guys thought I was serious? Oh, please it was a joke.
- No, no, no, no grab his arm! - Don't do this to me! Just one more [bleep.]
fart! [sobbing.]
Just one more [bleep.]
fart, guys.
[chopping sounds.]
[panting.]
Sammy! Sammy, it's okay.
We're here to help you.
Guys, look.
[beeping.]
[farting.]
- Oh, yeah, baby! - Oh, God.
[gasp.]
We're doing this because we love you.
[bleep.]
you! You're not my [bleep.]
friends! [whimpering.]
Oh ah Oh! Aah! [farting.]
Oh [farting.]
No, no no! [playing tune and farting.]
[groaning.]
[screaming.]
[music playing, farting.]
Aah! The path to healing starts now.
Back into chaturanga, and into downward facing dog.
Oh, yeah.
No, no! - Okay, you sure you're ready for this? - Three, two, one [farts.]
Mm, I don't need that, and I'm just gonna let it float away ha ha 'cause that's the right thing to do.
And that's the right thing to do.
- Oh, come here, buddy.
- Yay! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[both laughing.]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, but check this out, all right? [both laughing.]
Oh, my gosh.
You know what? - I got a weird trick too.
- Okay.
It's kind of gross, though.
Oh, come on! That's point of the game! - Come on.
- Okay, I used to be able to make myself - Uh-huh? - [grunts.]
queef! - Huh? - Oh! - Oh, my God! What? - Get out of here! - I'm sorry! I thought we were - You got to go! Oh, you're never getting me off of these! [inhales.]
Ahhhhhhh! [rock music.]
[screaming.]
Ohhhh! Whoa, Roy, a-are you okay, buddy? Oh, yeah.
I just turned back time in order to save your life.
- No big deal.
- What? You're welcome, buddy.
[whistling.]
Hmm.
That was weird.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
This is Steve.
- How can I help you? - Hey, I brainstormed a bunch of slogans for you guys to use to promote your show.
You can have 'em.
You can use 'em for free.
Uh, our show doesn't really have slogans.
TripTank: Get your balls ready.
Oh, you're gonna go.
Okay.
TripTank: Shit yo-self.
- All right.
- TripTank: Slap you face.
TripTank: Like a bus ride.
TripTank: It's saucy.
TripTank: Super saucy.
TripTank: Farts in the tub.
TripTank: Colon rectal exam.
TripTank: Free long distance.
TripTank: Hobgoblin.
TripTank: Spooky town.
TripTank: It's a [bleep.]
house.
Please hold.
[energetic drumming.]
Ahh I'm hammered.
Dude, don't even get me started.
I'm drunk as a skunk.
I'm buzzed as the fuzz.
I'm as bombed as a beauty pageant stage mom.
I'm tipsy as a mother effin' gypsy.
I'm as sozzled as a plastic water bottle.
[bubbling.]
[inhales.]
Oh, I'm as lattenstramm as a creeper abducting kids into his van.
I'm as soused as Amy Winehouse.
[undertone.]
You want some candy? Why, I'm as three sheets to the wind as Benjamin [hiccup.]
Franklin.
I'm as wamble crop'd as a fine gent performing a belly flop.
Oh! Roll over.
I'm as high as two nerds hooked on sci-fi.
[retching.]
We're as swacked as a goddess riding horseback.
I am as tanked as two wanks watching TripTank.
[both gasp.]
[techno music.]
Good evening.
I'd like you to wear this.
That's gonna cost extra.
Ow.
Ow.
[panting.]
- Oh, yeah.
- Who's your leg? Who's your leg, big daddy? [growls, barks.]
- Ow.
Ow.
- Woof! Woooo! Uhh ah Dogs are all the same.
[techno music.]
[phone rings.]
Hello.
TripTank.
[woman.]
Hi, is this Steve? - Yes, this is Steve from TripTank.
- Oh, great.
I'm with Summit RealSkin sexual technologies, and I was just calling to make sure you were fully satisfied with your order.
I didn't order anything from Summit RealSkin what? No, I'm sure it was you.
You were very clear when you called us.
You said to write it down word for word.
"I'm Steve from TripTank, and I want to order a shitload of dildos.
" - No, I never ordered any dildos.
- You know, I have to be honest.
You broke a record for our company.
We've never shipped so many dildos in one quarter.
I'm telling you I didn't order any [whispers.]
dildos.
On a personal note, I was able to pay for my niece's entire wedding with the commission I received from your order.
Even Grandma Gretchen was able to travel all the way from Austria with the money I made from the frankly ludicrous amount of dildos you purchased.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- For the rest of my life, whenever I think of a shitload of dildos, I will think of Steve from TripTank and the signed photo of yourself you faxed over to us.
- It's on my wall.
- I'm expecting a package on a palette or maybe a flatbed truck.
I think I put your name down on the address.
I, uh I'm afraid I have some bad news, son.
- Oh what is it? Is it cancer? - Uh Afraid not.
Oh! It's worse than cancer? Oh, man! I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but it seems you've contracted space herpes.
Oh, God! - Wait, what? - Space herpes it's an ETSTD.
ETSTD? An extraterrestrial sexually transmitted disease.
It is similar to regular herpes, but it's from space.
[laughs.]
What? Wait a minute, is this some sort of joke here? No.
And unfortunately, there are no cures for space herpes, - but there are several treatments which - Wow, okay.
Are you really suggesting that I had sex with an alien? - What?! - I'm not suggesting.
You did, dumb shit.
And now you have space herpes.
Yeah, well, that's impossible.
We don't even know if aliens even exist in the universe.
- So - Well, obviously they do, or I wouldn't be standing here wearing a goddamned white coat and stethoscope telling you that you have space herpes.
Oh ho ho, really? Yes, and I'm not trying to judge your lifestyle, but most people find the idea of having sex with a slimy - green space alien disgusting.
- Okay, well, I want a second opinion.
[laughs.]
Be my guest.
You might want to try Dr.
Biber.
He wrote his medical thesis on space herpes.
Stop saying space herpes, you [bleep.]
quack! It's not a real thing! You are ridiculous.
I am out of here.
Wait.
Just wait, okay? I prepared a treatment kit to get you started.
You're gonna need it.
There's an ointment for the space sores.
There are pills and introductory DVD about your condition, - and a scraper.
- Why do I need the scraper? [undertone.]
Oh, you'll find out.
You told me you'd been tested, and now I've got [bleep.]
space herpes! [whining gibberish.]
No, don't! [shrill noises.]
This is not funny! [squishing sound.]
Oh, my God! I know what the scraper's for now.
[techno music.]
[announcer.]
Well, it's halftime here at Memorial Field, and the Plano High Bulldogs are down 24 to nothing to the Coolidge Tigers.
But don't count the Bulldogs out yet, because right now, legendary coach Henry "Buck" Denim is no doubt delivering one of his famous motivational halftime speeches to whip these guys into a second half frenzy.
I don't know what the hell is going on! I don't know what I just saw out there! But I'm very uncomfortable with all of this.
None of this looks familiar to me at all! Can anybody tell me what the hell we're doing?! Hello? Do you understand me?! - Am I speaking English? - Yes.
Well, that's a start, at least.
[tapping sound.]
What is that your little drawing there? Zip Two Roll Over Tomahawk Zone Blitz.
- It's a new defensive scheme.
- What's the point of that? Oh, this is just plain exhausting.
Maybe I should take a nap.
Would that be okay if I just laid down and took a nap? [equipment clatters.]
I don't like this feeling not one bit! Do any of you people know who I am? Well, who am I? - Please, tell me.
- You You're Coach Denim.
- Who? - Coach Denim! - And who are you? - We're the Plano High Bulldogs! - Whoo! - Yeah! We're the Bulldogs! - Where are we going? - To State Championship! - Yeah! - Do I need to bring my wallet? We're gonna go back out on that field and kick some Tiger ass! All: Bulldogs! Bulldogs! [chanting.]
Bulldogs, Bulldogs, Bulldogs [announcer.]
In the second half, the Bulldogs staged a miraculous comeback.
They dedicated the game to their legendary coach, who had left the halftime locker room and wandered out onto what is now known as Buck Denim Memorial Freeway.
- [phone rings.]
This is TripTank.
- You dirty son of a bitch.
You [bleep.]
my wife! - Whoa, whoa, no sir.
I can assure you - I've got proof right here.
Receipts for champagne, beluga caviar, and a frozen pizza a frozen pizza! You turned my marital home into a goddamned [bleep.]
house.
- Sir, you clearly have a wrong number.
I - You [bleep.]
my wife! On the down low, man I did meet a girl the other night and told her my name was Steve.
- I hope that's cool with you.
- Oh! The hell was that? Oh, all right.
All right.
I see what happened here, man.
The heat from the sun swelled up the bowl.
When that air conditioning kicked on, it froze up all them jelly beans.
The rapid particle expansion of the glass caused an explosion.
I believe in scientific terms it's called a thermal shocker.
Wow, Roy, I didn't know you knew so much about science.
Yeah, you're right.
It was probably just ghosts.
[rock music.]
[techno music.]
Speed dating Whoo! Where do I go? I think you all know how this works, but just in case we have any newcomers - Virgins! [laughing.]
- [sighs.]
Must you? Ladies, get those pencils and comment cards ready.
Gentlemen, you've got three minutes in which - to make a good impression on each - Three minutes in heaven, ladies.
Every time seriously? [ding.]
Nope, hard pass.
[ding.]
You're pretty hideous.
[ding.]
Whoa! - And what's your name? - Hey, buddy, are you seeing this? It's uncanny, right? Wow, I mean, this that is amazing.
Who do I have to screw to get another Mai Tai in this joint? - I hope it's you.
- Then there's Mr.
Tanglepaws.
- He's a jumper.
- Will you hold off on listing your cats for a second? I'll be right back.
[ahem.]
Lady, come on.
You and this schmoe I'm not seeing it.
I suggest you pass on the zero and wait for the hero.
Don't sulk, sugar tits.
I'll loop back around and catch you on the second pass, unless I get a better offer first.
[ding.]
Whoa, now we're talking! Finally, a real trashy broad! No, I really mean it.
[sighs.]
You hardly sweat at all for a fat girl.
Are you sure you never worked as a hooker in Fresno? Mm, less clucking, more less cluck less clucking, more less clucking more [ding.]
Gentlemen, in order to help you hone your dating skills, I've compiled some of the ladies' comments.
Let the offers come a-rolling in.
Loathsome? I think that's a little harsh.
It's not like all of you were USDA choice yourselves.
Three minutes is about all anyone can stand the most of you! [shudders.]
Hi, there.
Well, any port in a storm.
[smooches.]
Oh, thank God, Roy this Paleo diet's got my glucose levels crazy.
Can you watch the phones for a second? I understood about 5% of what you just said.
Roy, will you watch the phones or what? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That's just the sugars talking.
- I've got to go pound some trail mix.
- Fine, but for the record, I liked you better on South Beach.
[silenced gunshots.]
God dang, man, I better call up that exterminator, man.
These termites are going nuts.
[phone rings.]
Whoa, here we go.
Hello, TripTank.
You got Roy.
Talk at me.
Hey, I know some of those last ones were stinkers, but these ones are a lot better, and I think I've got the vibe of what you guys are looking for now.
All right, shoot.
TripTank: Phh! Wow! TripTank.
[scatting.]
TripTank.
[explosive sound.]
TripTank.
TripTank [scatting.]
TripTank [gibberish.]
TripTank Flibberty-flibberty-kershon! TripTank Wah-hahhhhh! TripTank [gibberish, scatting.]
TripTank.
[sighs.]
TripTank [bleep.]
, I'm out.
I'm dry.
I kind of like that last one.
[rock music.]
[big band music plays.]
Foto talks.
Let's begin, shall we? And one and two and three and four.
And one and two and three and four.
Work those shoulders.
Come on, you Jezebels! You want to look good in a corset? Well, then, you're gonna have to work that core! And crunch it! And crunch it! And work it! And crunch it! Now, cool it off! Cool it off! All right, ladies, this is no secret.
If you want to score a man in the railroad industry or a steel magnate, you're gonna need one primo butt! And squeeze! And squeeze! And squeeze! Come on, ladies, really work it! Don't be lazy like a dirty Irish immigrant! Oh [record scratch.]
- Donald? - You have to understand the aerobic video market is totally saturated.
- Is that one of my thongs? - Uh, yes.
Yes, it is.
- What do you miss the most? - Pardon? Of all the things back home, what do you miss the most? I don't I don't really know.
I miss the little things.
It sounds silly now, but I miss the cool breeze coming through my window on an autumn night.
I miss how after I'd finish a bowl of cinnamon cereal, the milk would still have all kinds of cinnamon floating in it, and I'd drink it down and dribble a little bit on my chin, and then I'd wipe the cinnamon milk off my chin with my sleeve.
I-I miss corduroys.
Well, we should probably think about having sex now.
- Excuse me? - We don't know how long we're gonna be stranded on this island.
- So? - And it's up to us to start our own society.
And in order to do that, you need to get your head around the concept of the two of us banging with no eye contact.
- Yeah, there's no way.
- Some eye contact.
- Let it go! - Okay, listen, I'm offering solutions.
We're stranded here.
I'm trying to map out a route to a future for us.
Maybe my route includes a layover in pound town, but it's better than anything I've heard out of you.
Are you insane? You know what? Okay, forget I said anything.
[sighs.]
Maybe it's just the island fever talking.
I haven't felt right for months.
Hey, guy, we've only been on this island for two hours.
- Huh, really? - Yeah.
My phone still has a full battery.
Look, I didn't say we had to have sex.
I just said, "Start thinking about it.
" And then, as these things go, thinking about it will likely lead to doing it.
- I don't think so.
- Well, false alarm, guys.
The plane is fine.
Now, if you two stragglers want to join the rest of the passengers, we can get this bird back up in the air.
- Arr! - Ow.
- Oh, my God! - What the hell was that? That was Bedlam, sucka.
As long as we're on this island, we're following jungle rules.
- You just bit me! - Well, I'm hungry, and I don't know when my next meal is coming.
We're gonna serve lunch once we get back up in the air 45 minutes, tops, you freaking maniac.
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna go back over by the plane.
Jesus.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, and all that new society stuff [whispers.]
We should keep that between us.
- [bleep.]
off! - Just 'cause, like, I don't think my wife would be cool with that like, not at all.
[hard rock.]
[techno music.]
[sighs.]
So you met that special someone, someone unlike anyone you ever met.
Someone from a whole another planet, and you made a mistake.
You weren't careful.
And now, you have the ETSTD space herpes.
I know.
I've been there.
At first, I tried denying it.
I drank, acted out hurting the ones I loved most.
But now, I have a great new way to deal with this condition.
I have a life to live, and I'm not gonna let this thing get me down.
Besides, since my alien bride [hoarsely.]
Mak Ak Moo impregnated me with her eggs, I have so much to look forward to, which wouldn't have been possible without Herpinal.
Herpinal controls my symptoms, allows me to mate, and also allows me to safely carry up to 12 hatchlings in my man womb.
That's a dozen.
After the first seven-week gestation period, when our children burst through the fleshy mantle that is the subcutaneous fat around my belly button, I'll know they're going to be healthy and disease-free.
[announcer.]
Herpinal ointment and pills are most effective when used with Herpinal sore scraper.
The sore scraper will remove toxic ooze from the surface of the open, weeping, pus-filled boils.
Herpinal may cause headaches, nausea, trouble sleeping, trouble standing, bloat, goat face, wild hallucinations coupled with delusions you will become AGROX, Slayer of the Gragmark Race, and diarrhea.
So don't be afraid to live.
Try Herpinal and start today.
[groaning.]
[screaming.]
[creatures screeching.]
[chuckles.]
But sir, it's physically impossible for me to stick my head up there.
And again, I'm not really sure how that would improve the quality of TripTank as a show in general.
All right.
Yeah, you too.
Have a nice day.
Bye-bye.
Hey, man, why are you smiling so much today? I don't know, Roy.
Maybe it's just the diet.
- I'm not sure.
I just feel good.
- No, yeah, you look good, man.
You've been giving off a real Steve Zahn vibe, lately.
Oh, wow.
Thanks.
That's very sweet of you to say, Roy.
Hey, you got a red dot on your forehead.
Huh like a sniper rifle dot or a cat toy dot? Steve! No! [voice echoing.]
[overlapping backwards dialogue.]
- Whoa! Roy, are you okay, buddy? - Oh, yeah.
I just turned back time in order to save your life again.
- What? - You're welcome, buddy.
[whistling.]
Hmm, that was weird.
[phone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
This is Steve.
How can I help you? You know what? Less clucking, more [bleep.]
.
Ah! Were you born in a barn? [pastoral music.]
[rooster crows.]
I know you're both watching over me.
I promise to make you proud.
[gentle music.]
[woman.]
Oh oh! [rhythmic thumping.]
Oh, take me! Take me like a majestic horse.
Oh ha ha! Oh, this is a whole different kind of petting zoo.
[horse neighs.]
Oh, God! Ohhhhh! 2x08 - Precipice of Yesterday [light music.]
Hey, Harv, I have a baby ready for you to deliver.
- Great.
Hand it over.
- The thing is [exhales.]
I don't think you want it.
Stop messing around, Sam.
Give it here.
What's the big deal? Oh! Oh, my [hard rock music.]
[grunting.]
[growling.]
Three aliens came from the sky The Galactic Council sent them And here's the reason why Their mission is to study Earth's most average guy To see if humans are worth saving Or if everyone has to die Wait.
What? [TV in background.]
[sips.]
[farts.]
Whoa! I'm so sorry, guys.
That was gross.
Uh, guys? [sniffing.]
I feel like my head's full of rainbow bubbles.
- Oh.
What is this? - Guys, please.
It's called a fart.
And again, I'm sorry.
It must have been from all the beans in my burrito.
- More! More! I want more! - Jesus Christ, come on! Ugh! - Beans? - It's beans yeah, beans.
Beans for breakfast.
Everybody eats beans.
- Eat your beans.
- Sammy, what the hell is going on here? Here's the thing you got to understand, Jeff: Jimmy and I can handle your farts like mature adults.
Yeah, I mean, look, if I'm gonna party, everyone's having a good time, and you fart, sure, I'll sniff it.
But for Sammy, well, it's different.
Guys, you're exaggerating.
I don't even really like farts.
[squish.]
What was that? Was that a fart? - Are you holding out on me - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - You [bleep.]
sucker? - Relax! Relax! [chuckles.]
That was a joke.
Oh, man, you guys thought I was serious? Oh, please it was a joke.
- No, no, no, no grab his arm! - Don't do this to me! Just one more [bleep.]
fart! [sobbing.]
Just one more [bleep.]
fart, guys.
[chopping sounds.]
[panting.]
Sammy! Sammy, it's okay.
We're here to help you.
Guys, look.
[beeping.]
[farting.]
- Oh, yeah, baby! - Oh, God.
[gasp.]
We're doing this because we love you.
[bleep.]
you! You're not my [bleep.]
friends! [whimpering.]
Oh ah Oh! Aah! [farting.]
Oh [farting.]
No, no no! [playing tune and farting.]
[groaning.]
[screaming.]
[music playing, farting.]
Aah! The path to healing starts now.
Back into chaturanga, and into downward facing dog.
Oh, yeah.
No, no! - Okay, you sure you're ready for this? - Three, two, one [farts.]
Mm, I don't need that, and I'm just gonna let it float away ha ha 'cause that's the right thing to do.
And that's the right thing to do.
- Oh, come here, buddy.
- Yay! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[both laughing.]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, but check this out, all right? [both laughing.]
Oh, my gosh.
You know what? - I got a weird trick too.
- Okay.
It's kind of gross, though.
Oh, come on! That's point of the game! - Come on.
- Okay, I used to be able to make myself - Uh-huh? - [grunts.]
queef! - Huh? - Oh! - Oh, my God! What? - Get out of here! - I'm sorry! I thought we were - You got to go! Oh, you're never getting me off of these! [inhales.]
Ahhhhhhh! [rock music.]
[screaming.]
Ohhhh! Whoa, Roy, a-are you okay, buddy? Oh, yeah.
I just turned back time in order to save your life.
- No big deal.
- What? You're welcome, buddy.
[whistling.]
Hmm.
That was weird.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
This is Steve.
- How can I help you? - Hey, I brainstormed a bunch of slogans for you guys to use to promote your show.
You can have 'em.
You can use 'em for free.
Uh, our show doesn't really have slogans.
TripTank: Get your balls ready.
Oh, you're gonna go.
Okay.
TripTank: Shit yo-self.
- All right.
- TripTank: Slap you face.
TripTank: Like a bus ride.
TripTank: It's saucy.
TripTank: Super saucy.
TripTank: Farts in the tub.
TripTank: Colon rectal exam.
TripTank: Free long distance.
TripTank: Hobgoblin.
TripTank: Spooky town.
TripTank: It's a [bleep.]
house.
Please hold.
[energetic drumming.]
Ahh I'm hammered.
Dude, don't even get me started.
I'm drunk as a skunk.
I'm buzzed as the fuzz.
I'm as bombed as a beauty pageant stage mom.
I'm tipsy as a mother effin' gypsy.
I'm as sozzled as a plastic water bottle.
[bubbling.]
[inhales.]
Oh, I'm as lattenstramm as a creeper abducting kids into his van.
I'm as soused as Amy Winehouse.
[undertone.]
You want some candy? Why, I'm as three sheets to the wind as Benjamin [hiccup.]
Franklin.
I'm as wamble crop'd as a fine gent performing a belly flop.
Oh! Roll over.
I'm as high as two nerds hooked on sci-fi.
[retching.]
We're as swacked as a goddess riding horseback.
I am as tanked as two wanks watching TripTank.
[both gasp.]
[techno music.]
Good evening.
I'd like you to wear this.
That's gonna cost extra.
Ow.
Ow.
[panting.]
- Oh, yeah.
- Who's your leg? Who's your leg, big daddy? [growls, barks.]
- Ow.
Ow.
- Woof! Woooo! Uhh ah Dogs are all the same.
[techno music.]
[phone rings.]
Hello.
TripTank.
[woman.]
Hi, is this Steve? - Yes, this is Steve from TripTank.
- Oh, great.
I'm with Summit RealSkin sexual technologies, and I was just calling to make sure you were fully satisfied with your order.
I didn't order anything from Summit RealSkin what? No, I'm sure it was you.
You were very clear when you called us.
You said to write it down word for word.
"I'm Steve from TripTank, and I want to order a shitload of dildos.
" - No, I never ordered any dildos.
- You know, I have to be honest.
You broke a record for our company.
We've never shipped so many dildos in one quarter.
I'm telling you I didn't order any [whispers.]
dildos.
On a personal note, I was able to pay for my niece's entire wedding with the commission I received from your order.
Even Grandma Gretchen was able to travel all the way from Austria with the money I made from the frankly ludicrous amount of dildos you purchased.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- For the rest of my life, whenever I think of a shitload of dildos, I will think of Steve from TripTank and the signed photo of yourself you faxed over to us.
- It's on my wall.
- I'm expecting a package on a palette or maybe a flatbed truck.
I think I put your name down on the address.
I, uh I'm afraid I have some bad news, son.
- Oh what is it? Is it cancer? - Uh Afraid not.
Oh! It's worse than cancer? Oh, man! I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but it seems you've contracted space herpes.
Oh, God! - Wait, what? - Space herpes it's an ETSTD.
ETSTD? An extraterrestrial sexually transmitted disease.
It is similar to regular herpes, but it's from space.
[laughs.]
What? Wait a minute, is this some sort of joke here? No.
And unfortunately, there are no cures for space herpes, - but there are several treatments which - Wow, okay.
Are you really suggesting that I had sex with an alien? - What?! - I'm not suggesting.
You did, dumb shit.
And now you have space herpes.
Yeah, well, that's impossible.
We don't even know if aliens even exist in the universe.
- So - Well, obviously they do, or I wouldn't be standing here wearing a goddamned white coat and stethoscope telling you that you have space herpes.
Oh ho ho, really? Yes, and I'm not trying to judge your lifestyle, but most people find the idea of having sex with a slimy - green space alien disgusting.
- Okay, well, I want a second opinion.
[laughs.]
Be my guest.
You might want to try Dr.
Biber.
He wrote his medical thesis on space herpes.
Stop saying space herpes, you [bleep.]
quack! It's not a real thing! You are ridiculous.
I am out of here.
Wait.
Just wait, okay? I prepared a treatment kit to get you started.
You're gonna need it.
There's an ointment for the space sores.
There are pills and introductory DVD about your condition, - and a scraper.
- Why do I need the scraper? [undertone.]
Oh, you'll find out.
You told me you'd been tested, and now I've got [bleep.]
space herpes! [whining gibberish.]
No, don't! [shrill noises.]
This is not funny! [squishing sound.]
Oh, my God! I know what the scraper's for now.
[techno music.]
[announcer.]
Well, it's halftime here at Memorial Field, and the Plano High Bulldogs are down 24 to nothing to the Coolidge Tigers.
But don't count the Bulldogs out yet, because right now, legendary coach Henry "Buck" Denim is no doubt delivering one of his famous motivational halftime speeches to whip these guys into a second half frenzy.
I don't know what the hell is going on! I don't know what I just saw out there! But I'm very uncomfortable with all of this.
None of this looks familiar to me at all! Can anybody tell me what the hell we're doing?! Hello? Do you understand me?! - Am I speaking English? - Yes.
Well, that's a start, at least.
[tapping sound.]
What is that your little drawing there? Zip Two Roll Over Tomahawk Zone Blitz.
- It's a new defensive scheme.
- What's the point of that? Oh, this is just plain exhausting.
Maybe I should take a nap.
Would that be okay if I just laid down and took a nap? [equipment clatters.]
I don't like this feeling not one bit! Do any of you people know who I am? Well, who am I? - Please, tell me.
- You You're Coach Denim.
- Who? - Coach Denim! - And who are you? - We're the Plano High Bulldogs! - Whoo! - Yeah! We're the Bulldogs! - Where are we going? - To State Championship! - Yeah! - Do I need to bring my wallet? We're gonna go back out on that field and kick some Tiger ass! All: Bulldogs! Bulldogs! [chanting.]
Bulldogs, Bulldogs, Bulldogs [announcer.]
In the second half, the Bulldogs staged a miraculous comeback.
They dedicated the game to their legendary coach, who had left the halftime locker room and wandered out onto what is now known as Buck Denim Memorial Freeway.
- [phone rings.]
This is TripTank.
- You dirty son of a bitch.
You [bleep.]
my wife! - Whoa, whoa, no sir.
I can assure you - I've got proof right here.
Receipts for champagne, beluga caviar, and a frozen pizza a frozen pizza! You turned my marital home into a goddamned [bleep.]
house.
- Sir, you clearly have a wrong number.
I - You [bleep.]
my wife! On the down low, man I did meet a girl the other night and told her my name was Steve.
- I hope that's cool with you.
- Oh! The hell was that? Oh, all right.
All right.
I see what happened here, man.
The heat from the sun swelled up the bowl.
When that air conditioning kicked on, it froze up all them jelly beans.
The rapid particle expansion of the glass caused an explosion.
I believe in scientific terms it's called a thermal shocker.
Wow, Roy, I didn't know you knew so much about science.
Yeah, you're right.
It was probably just ghosts.
[rock music.]
[techno music.]
Speed dating Whoo! Where do I go? I think you all know how this works, but just in case we have any newcomers - Virgins! [laughing.]
- [sighs.]
Must you? Ladies, get those pencils and comment cards ready.
Gentlemen, you've got three minutes in which - to make a good impression on each - Three minutes in heaven, ladies.
Every time seriously? [ding.]
Nope, hard pass.
[ding.]
You're pretty hideous.
[ding.]
Whoa! - And what's your name? - Hey, buddy, are you seeing this? It's uncanny, right? Wow, I mean, this that is amazing.
Who do I have to screw to get another Mai Tai in this joint? - I hope it's you.
- Then there's Mr.
Tanglepaws.
- He's a jumper.
- Will you hold off on listing your cats for a second? I'll be right back.
[ahem.]
Lady, come on.
You and this schmoe I'm not seeing it.
I suggest you pass on the zero and wait for the hero.
Don't sulk, sugar tits.
I'll loop back around and catch you on the second pass, unless I get a better offer first.
[ding.]
Whoa, now we're talking! Finally, a real trashy broad! No, I really mean it.
[sighs.]
You hardly sweat at all for a fat girl.
Are you sure you never worked as a hooker in Fresno? Mm, less clucking, more less cluck less clucking, more less clucking more [ding.]
Gentlemen, in order to help you hone your dating skills, I've compiled some of the ladies' comments.
Let the offers come a-rolling in.
Loathsome? I think that's a little harsh.
It's not like all of you were USDA choice yourselves.
Three minutes is about all anyone can stand the most of you! [shudders.]
Hi, there.
Well, any port in a storm.
[smooches.]
Oh, thank God, Roy this Paleo diet's got my glucose levels crazy.
Can you watch the phones for a second? I understood about 5% of what you just said.
Roy, will you watch the phones or what? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That's just the sugars talking.
- I've got to go pound some trail mix.
- Fine, but for the record, I liked you better on South Beach.
[silenced gunshots.]
God dang, man, I better call up that exterminator, man.
These termites are going nuts.
[phone rings.]
Whoa, here we go.
Hello, TripTank.
You got Roy.
Talk at me.
Hey, I know some of those last ones were stinkers, but these ones are a lot better, and I think I've got the vibe of what you guys are looking for now.
All right, shoot.
TripTank: Phh! Wow! TripTank.
[scatting.]
TripTank.
[explosive sound.]
TripTank.
TripTank [scatting.]
TripTank [gibberish.]
TripTank Flibberty-flibberty-kershon! TripTank Wah-hahhhhh! TripTank [gibberish, scatting.]
TripTank.
[sighs.]
TripTank [bleep.]
, I'm out.
I'm dry.
I kind of like that last one.
[rock music.]
[big band music plays.]
Foto talks.
Let's begin, shall we? And one and two and three and four.
And one and two and three and four.
Work those shoulders.
Come on, you Jezebels! You want to look good in a corset? Well, then, you're gonna have to work that core! And crunch it! And crunch it! And work it! And crunch it! Now, cool it off! Cool it off! All right, ladies, this is no secret.
If you want to score a man in the railroad industry or a steel magnate, you're gonna need one primo butt! And squeeze! And squeeze! And squeeze! Come on, ladies, really work it! Don't be lazy like a dirty Irish immigrant! Oh [record scratch.]
- Donald? - You have to understand the aerobic video market is totally saturated.
- Is that one of my thongs? - Uh, yes.
Yes, it is.
- What do you miss the most? - Pardon? Of all the things back home, what do you miss the most? I don't I don't really know.
I miss the little things.
It sounds silly now, but I miss the cool breeze coming through my window on an autumn night.
I miss how after I'd finish a bowl of cinnamon cereal, the milk would still have all kinds of cinnamon floating in it, and I'd drink it down and dribble a little bit on my chin, and then I'd wipe the cinnamon milk off my chin with my sleeve.
I-I miss corduroys.
Well, we should probably think about having sex now.
- Excuse me? - We don't know how long we're gonna be stranded on this island.
- So? - And it's up to us to start our own society.
And in order to do that, you need to get your head around the concept of the two of us banging with no eye contact.
- Yeah, there's no way.
- Some eye contact.
- Let it go! - Okay, listen, I'm offering solutions.
We're stranded here.
I'm trying to map out a route to a future for us.
Maybe my route includes a layover in pound town, but it's better than anything I've heard out of you.
Are you insane? You know what? Okay, forget I said anything.
[sighs.]
Maybe it's just the island fever talking.
I haven't felt right for months.
Hey, guy, we've only been on this island for two hours.
- Huh, really? - Yeah.
My phone still has a full battery.
Look, I didn't say we had to have sex.
I just said, "Start thinking about it.
" And then, as these things go, thinking about it will likely lead to doing it.
- I don't think so.
- Well, false alarm, guys.
The plane is fine.
Now, if you two stragglers want to join the rest of the passengers, we can get this bird back up in the air.
- Arr! - Ow.
- Oh, my God! - What the hell was that? That was Bedlam, sucka.
As long as we're on this island, we're following jungle rules.
- You just bit me! - Well, I'm hungry, and I don't know when my next meal is coming.
We're gonna serve lunch once we get back up in the air 45 minutes, tops, you freaking maniac.
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna go back over by the plane.
Jesus.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, and all that new society stuff [whispers.]
We should keep that between us.
- [bleep.]
off! - Just 'cause, like, I don't think my wife would be cool with that like, not at all.
[hard rock.]
[techno music.]
[sighs.]
So you met that special someone, someone unlike anyone you ever met.
Someone from a whole another planet, and you made a mistake.
You weren't careful.
And now, you have the ETSTD space herpes.
I know.
I've been there.
At first, I tried denying it.
I drank, acted out hurting the ones I loved most.
But now, I have a great new way to deal with this condition.
I have a life to live, and I'm not gonna let this thing get me down.
Besides, since my alien bride [hoarsely.]
Mak Ak Moo impregnated me with her eggs, I have so much to look forward to, which wouldn't have been possible without Herpinal.
Herpinal controls my symptoms, allows me to mate, and also allows me to safely carry up to 12 hatchlings in my man womb.
That's a dozen.
After the first seven-week gestation period, when our children burst through the fleshy mantle that is the subcutaneous fat around my belly button, I'll know they're going to be healthy and disease-free.
[announcer.]
Herpinal ointment and pills are most effective when used with Herpinal sore scraper.
The sore scraper will remove toxic ooze from the surface of the open, weeping, pus-filled boils.
Herpinal may cause headaches, nausea, trouble sleeping, trouble standing, bloat, goat face, wild hallucinations coupled with delusions you will become AGROX, Slayer of the Gragmark Race, and diarrhea.
So don't be afraid to live.
Try Herpinal and start today.
[groaning.]
[screaming.]
[creatures screeching.]
[chuckles.]
But sir, it's physically impossible for me to stick my head up there.
And again, I'm not really sure how that would improve the quality of TripTank as a show in general.
All right.
Yeah, you too.
Have a nice day.
Bye-bye.
Hey, man, why are you smiling so much today? I don't know, Roy.
Maybe it's just the diet.
- I'm not sure.
I just feel good.
- No, yeah, you look good, man.
You've been giving off a real Steve Zahn vibe, lately.
Oh, wow.
Thanks.
That's very sweet of you to say, Roy.
Hey, you got a red dot on your forehead.
Huh like a sniper rifle dot or a cat toy dot? Steve! No! [voice echoing.]
[overlapping backwards dialogue.]
- Whoa! Roy, are you okay, buddy? - Oh, yeah.
I just turned back time in order to save your life again.
- What? - You're welcome, buddy.
[whistling.]
Hmm, that was weird.
[phone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
This is Steve.
How can I help you? You know what? Less clucking, more [bleep.]
.
Ah! Were you born in a barn? [pastoral music.]
[rooster crows.]