Trophy Wife s01e22 Episode Script
Mother's Day
All right, I brushed, flossed, irrigated, put on my eczema cream, and went to the bathroom twice, so I am good to go.
All I need is between 3 and 18 minutes.
When you look at me, you think of a mom, right? Now I'm gonna need It's just, you know, this Sunday is my first Mother's Day, and I know that the kids are spending it with Jackie and Diane, - But I'm a mom now, too, right? - Absolutely.
Mm.
You're sweet.
Come here.
- Oh, my god! - I don't mind if you fake an orgasm, - but at least try to sell it.
- No.
An oil line burst near the Galápagos islands earlier today, threatening to destroy its delicate marine ecosystem.
Is that oil company one of your clients? The spill is threatening hundreds, if not thousands Please be telemarketers.
Oh, great.
Work.
Hello? Crap.
Let's start a counternarrative.
Uh, the cleanup's gonna take months.
Let's go with a pro-jobs angle.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
Look, I'm gonna have to start a war room.
It's gonna take all weekend.
I'll make this up to you.
- Oh, you mean sex.
- Don't say it like that.
I heard about that oil spill.
I hope you're not representing them.
Hillary, this, uh, cleanup is gonna take months.
It's gonna create thousands of jobs.
You're not going to use that, are you? No.
No.
I'm just testing it out.
Oh, those pelicans are coughing up oil.
Oil is a totally organic substance.
Hey, uh, I'd like to make a reservation for your Mother's Day brunch.
- For how many? - Table for one.
- Oh, that's so sad.
- Oh, come on.
I'm sure it's not the saddest thing you've ever heard.
- I mean, you work at the - It is.
It really is.
Well, you know what? The joke's on you, because this is Michelle Obama.
- Oh.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- What's in the bags? - What bags? We don't have bags.
You know, I think I'm gonna go study.
So don't come in.
And, Kate, where do you keep the wrapping paper? Uh, no reason.
I just was asking for a friend.
Our friend also needs tape and scissors, too.
Hall closet.
There is nothing cuter than kids trying to hide Mother's Day presents.
Except me making this face.
- Boo.
- Mm.
Anyway, K-hole, D-bag and I were talking, and seeing as tomorrow is your first Mother's Day There is no greater gift that we could give to you than to let you spend Mother's Day with the kids.
Seriously? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
You would give your Mother's Day to me? - Yes.
- You deserve it.
And it didn't cost us anything.
I can't believe you're acknowledging me as a mom.
When I first met you, I thought, "there is no way in hell I am leaving my children with this vapid, gold-digging alcoholic," but over the course of the year, I've come to see that though you enjoy a cocktail, you don't need a cocktail.
No.
Don't.
And when I first met you, I was like, "Wow.
Blond Jackie.
Real original, Pete!" Now I come to realize that there's a lot more to you than just me.
God, thank you.
Thank you.
I don't even know, uh, what to you know What's the word? I mean, it's just I-I-I'm like You know? - Aww.
A veritable thesaurus.
- Just You know, when you think of the word, text us.
- Okay.
- Okay? Okay.
For a price, I've got a guy who can write up a pretty believable study, so what do we want it to say? You know, "seals do more harm than good"? Um "penguins nature's silent killer"? I don't know.
Talk to me.
Roger, yeah? What do you got? Where are the pickles? I don't see any pickles.
Let's just say it was the turtle's fault.
- I like it.
- I was kidding.
Okay, you know what? Let's take five.
Let's focus on the sandwiches.
Then we'll come back and hit this thing hard, okay? Hey, Pete, can I get your advice? I'm trying to figure out what kind of panty to get Jackie for Mother's Day.
H.
R.
was supposed to talk to you about talking to me about my ex-wife's panties.
Right.
Totally.
Edible.
- This is a disaster.
- Yep.
Who doesn't put pickles on a deli platter? - Ah.
It's been a tough day for all of us.
- Send an intern out to get pickles.
I'm on it.
Pete, I think you're ready to take the next step.
I'd like you to be lead counsel here.
Wow.
That's that's incredibly generous.
You've earned it.
You know, when people think of this horrific disaster, they'll think of you.
You're doing a bunch of cable-news interviews tomorrow.
Could get ugly.
So you want me to go out there and take the bullet? Like the brave boys at Omaha beach.
- Yeah.
- Probably shouldn't mention beaches.
Mm.
I got a tee time.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Your moms gave me an awesome gift the opportunity to spend a day with you on Mother's Day and I think that you guys should give them equally awesome gifts.
Seems like you should get them an awesome gift.
- Or - Mm-hmm? I can help you guys get them gifts that recognize what wonderful mothers and unique women they are.
- Oh.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Let's brainstorm.
Jackie first.
- Box wine? - No.
Come on.
Think of what she likes, what she's into.
Boxed wine.
Am I saying it wrong? "Boxed wine?" Let's think of something that's not so sad.
- Ooh! Paint! - Seeds.
Beads.
- Nope seeds.
- Yeah.
That's better.
That's better.
But I want something that's gonna blow her mind.
Ooh! My Mom has always wanted a chicken.
She likes fresh eggs and birds that try to fly but can't.
Let's do it.
Siri, where can I get a chicken? Calling Kevin.
Well, there's a lot of things people don't know when they buy their first chicken.
There's a wide variety of domesticated species to choose from.
You got your Cornish, your Jersey Giant, - uh, Dorking - I'll take that one.
Perfect.
- They're very sweet.
- Good.
Big poopers, so that's good.
- They're over there somewhere.
- Okay.
I haven't learned to recognize the differences yet.
We should get Mom a cow.
Fresh hamburgers whenever we'd like.
Warren, we're getting Mom what she'd want, not what you'd want.
Okay, but remember that for my birthday.
What does she like? - Yelling at waiters.
- Yeah, but that's how she helps them get better at their jobs.
What else? Flemish masterpieces of the 17th century.
Great! How much do one of those cost? Wow.
Wow.
I'm holding a chicken.
This is grosser than I thought.
Here Bert, take your chicken.
- Hell no! - Good news.
We figured out what Mom wants.
- Oh.
- Hey, uh, question do you have $4 million? Do you take bitcoin? Kidding.
I don't even know what that is.
The painting's a still life.
We could re-create it.
- Here you go.
- Oh.
Great.
Yeah, I mean, all we need is a vase and some flowers and burnt-up candle and a-a pipe, a statue, a seashell, a wineglass, - Yep.
- some antique coins, a wreath, an hourglass, and a human skull.
- Yep.
- Yep.
All right.
Well, let's split up.
You kids go to the mall, and I'll go rob a grave.
- Awesome.
Let's go.
- Perfect! Great! - Uh - Bye.
Graves are, uh, this way.
And did you know that chickens only have one hole for all their downstairs business? - Steve, get rid of the egg salad.
- That is not my job, Pete.
I know it seems like a lot, but I think Jackie and Diane are gonna love these gifts.
And, you know, I really want to do this because they finally said how much they appreciate me, and I just want to show them how much I appreciate them.
Uh-huh.
- Are you listening to me? - Yeah.
I-I love what you just said.
Yeah? What did I say? Yeah, exactly.
Listen, honey, I got to go.
Okay? I love you, babe.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
All right, guys.
You go in her room and wake her up with Mother's Day pecks from you and the chicken, all right? Here.
Here.
Take - Shh! - Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Kate, my Mom's not here.
She's not here? She left the door unlocked.
- That's weird.
- That's not what's weird.
What's weird is that she set up the vacation feeder for the parrot.
Hmm.
Put it on the counter, and I'll arrange the coins.
- Okay.
- Go.
Go.
Go.
Something's not right.
Yeah, first time I've walked in here and not been judged.
It's 7:01 the coffee maker should be on, and the jazz music should be playing.
This is her 12-minute relax window before her 3-minute shower.
Well, maybe she's taken an early shower.
Yeah.
And maybe she's eating a hot dog in there, too.
- She's not in here.
- What are the chances both your moms gone on Mother's Day? The day they "so selflessly" gave to me.
"Oh, Kate, you be with the kids.
You deserve it.
" - Mother f - Ah! - Mm.
- Mother what? Whoo! Yeah! That's a good time! All right! Okay.
All right.
All right.
Now your turn.
I'll hold the wheel while you drive.
Guys, we're looking for clues a hint, you know? Something that tells us where your moms went.
- Found something.
- What? Black licorice! Plan "B" I am gonna check the computer.
Warren, you call your Mom and try to find out where she is.
- Okay.
- Bert, easy on the licorice.
No promises.
"Vegas for intellectuals.
" "What is a gif?" "Matt Lauer shirtless.
" "What does the Fox say?" God, I could read this for days.
Uh, h-hello, Mother.
Sound more natural.
Uh, Mom Mother hi.
I was just wondering, you know, per chance, where are you? - Why? What's wrong? - Uh, what's wrong? I Ooh.
Mom.
Someone - farted in my face? - Well that does sound like an emergency, Warren, and one I'm sure Kate can most assuredly handle.
Oh, no, Mom, but I love you, Warren.
Happy Mother's Day.
Okay.
Bye.
- Do you think they're onto us? - Someone farted in Warren's face.
- Gross.
- Mm.
Oh, Diane, we got to lay down some real ground rules here, okay? Uh, "panties on the door don't come ashore.
" "panties on the floor could use one more.
" - What does that even mean? - Uh, like, a threesome.
So, you doing anything special for Mother's Day? - Just selling my soul.
- Wonderful.
I always thought you were more of a winter.
- What is happening? - Is this what you do at work? I want to be a pretty lawyer.
I got promoted to lead counsel.
I'm gonna give a, uh, press conference this afternoon.
- That's great, babe.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm the new face of evil.
I don't want to bore you with work stuff.
- Great.
'Cause we're on a mission - Good.
- Mm-hmm.
- for justice.
- You came to the wrong place.
- Okay, Dad, listen, your ex-wives yeah, they're real pieces of work.
They dumped the kids and Kate on me, and now my day is ruined.
They betrayed me.
They made me feel like I was part of the mom club, and then they ditched me.
- I mean, what is this high school? - Apparently.
Yeah, that that sounds really immature.
It is immature and hurtful.
So now we're gonna track them down, - and we're gonna ruin their Mother's Day.
- And we're gonna shame them.
Do you know where Sad Steve is? 'Cause I have a feeling he knows exactly where Jackie is.
Did you come here to see me or Sad Steve? Babe, you.
But, really, do you know where Sad Steve is? I can and will tell you almost all other personal information but that.
Just tell me where she is! Please do not scream at me, okay? I don't like mean voices.
Kate, can you please give us a minute? Sure.
Yeah.
Oh, and close the door.
Thanks.
Please tell me where my Mommy is.
- I really need to talk to her.
- Bert Please don't touch those.
- Whoops.
- You're putting me in a tough spot.
Your mother is very special to me, and I promised to her that I would keep her secret.
But I can't wait to tell her that I want you to be my new daddy.
She's staying at the Montage Laguna until tomorrow night.
Oh, wow.
You surprised me, you little rascal.
You want to try to call her right now together? Huh? - What do you say son? - I already have a Dad! Kate! I got it! I know where she is! Caroline, could you please, uh, move up my session with my therapist to as early as possible this week? Preferably, uh, this afternoon.
- Here you are, ma'am.
- Oh.
- One bottle of our finest champagne.
- David, I could kiss you on the mouth, but I don't know where it's been, so I'm not gonna do it.
Maybe after I drink that bottle.
Come back in 10 minutes.
Oh, and charge it to room 242.
There's nothing more relaxing than a 5,000-meter swim.
I don't know.
This is my ninth one of these, and I'm feeling pretty chill.
Oh, wait.
We're in room 342.
Okay.
David? Oh, well.
He's gone.
Oh, there.
Hey, David! What up? - Happy Mother's Day! - Diane! Code red! Looks like you're having a good time, huh? What's this? Ooh, lobster roll? Yeah.
Yes, please.
Mmm! Kate, if you're going to act like a child, - the kiddy pool is over there.
- I thought you gave me the kids because you respected me and accepted me.
Well, it's not my fault if your ego allowed you to forget everything I've ever said about you in your life.
Okay, get out of the pool, Diane.
Nope.
I haven't finished my laps.
- Oh, yes, you have! - Oh! Ooh! - Hey! - Get off of my meal ticket! - Get off me! - Kate! I warned you! - Ooh! - Ooh! Is this what you want?! Is this what you want?! Mom fight! Mom fight! - How's your Mother's Day going? - Amazing.
You all right, man? You look kind of pale.
Me? I-I-I'm I'm stressed a little stressed.
Yeah, I would not want to have your job right now.
Okay, you'll hear Randy in your earpiece in three, two We are here with Pete Harrison, lead counsel for Hirshey/Pollack Petroleum.
Sir, does your firm have any comment about the devastating effects of the oil spill on the Galápagos? First, I-I-I just want to say "happy Mother's Day" to all the all the great moms out there.
How about those moms? And to your point, the thing about an environmental crisis of this of this magnitude my client has always always maintained I think I think I have to - I can't believe you tricked me.
- I can't believe you found us.
I can't believe this is good for the yogurt treatment in my hair.
And now there's yogurt in the pool! You know, I'm smarter than you think I am, Diane, all right? I know what a gif is.
I know what the Fox says.
Do you? I have a sense.
- Really? - Guys, you have to stop.
Um Pete had a heart attack.
- Jackie, that's not funny.
- What? No, I got a text from Sad Steve.
"Pete had a heart attack.
" - What? - Oh, my gosh.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Peter Harrison.
Kate, if anything happens, we're gonna get through this together.
We tried everything we can but we're out of options.
There's no easy way to say this.
I think we should see other people.
- For god's sakes.
- What? Peter Henry William Harrison.
- Who are you? - This is his wife.
His wife is already in there.
- No.
- What? - No, what? Hey, babycakes.
- Aah! - Shh.
Warren, Hillary, bird, and I were so darn worried.
- Where's Kate? - Who's Kate, my love? - Stop it.
- Ugh.
Gross.
- I can't continue with this bit.
- Oh, my god.
Pete, are you okay? Yeah, he's fine.
Sorry I didn't text you.
I actually took out my phone to text you, but then I started playing Candy Crush.
The paramedics said I had a mild heart attack, but - I-I feel fine now.
- You look good.
And that mascara really makes your eyes pop.
Taking a look at your chart here.
Have to add that.
Okay, Jackie.
Excuse me.
I'm going to just scribble out "green-tea enema," - if that's okay with you, nurse Jackie.
- No.
Dad, I was so scared.
Sweetie, you don't have to worry.
I'm not going anywhere.
But you promised to take me to Disneyland.
Oh, no.
No, Bert.
He was using a finger of speech.
- He means he's never going to die.
- I love you, Dad so much.
You're the one who's gonna take care of me when I'm older.
I know.
- All right.
Thank you, nurse.
- Ah, yes.
Okay.
Mr.
And Mrs Uh, missuses Harrison.
You can call me Jackie.
Actually, "Jackée.
" I'm Mrs.
Harrison.
Um, so, tell me w-was it a heart attack? Uh, not exactly.
Mr.
Harrison, you'll be fine.
You just had a severe case of indigestion.
So it was a-a mild heart attack? Nope.
Did you eat anything strange today? Um pickles one or two pounds of, uh, cured meats six mini cupcakes - two regular-size cupcakes - Okay, Peter, that's disgusting.
and a pudding pop.
- Babe.
- Really, Dad.
Doctor, this feels to me like a wake-up call.
What do you recommend? Should I I don't know change my lifestyle? Pull back at work? Decide what's really important? Well, cut down on the cupcakes, and you know what? I actually have a pamphlet it's got a cartoon broccoli on it you might find informative.
It's actually very funny.
You won't even realize you're learning.
Oh! I think we're gonna need a second opinion.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! - Sorry! - Sorry! Well we're in a hospital.
I guess it's safe.
- Whoo-hoo! - Anyway - Good luck.
- See you on the flip side.
- Yep.
Uh, hey.
Did you guys mean any of the nice things you said about me yesterday? Or did you just say them to trick me into watching the kids? Oh, well, I-I mean, I wasn't really - What? Me or her? - tricking.
'Cause you didn't have to trick me, you know.
I really love being with your kids.
I just feel stupid because when you gave me Mother's Day, I actually felt like one of the moms, and then you guys went and hung out without me, which hurts because for some strange reason that I can't quite understand I really like you guys.
- Oh - Kate for some reason that I can't understand, I like you, too.
I consider you as much a part of this family as Jackie.
Yeah.
Let us make it up to you.
It's still Mother's Day.
- And I have this amazing hotel room - That I'm paying for.
that is just screaming to have a lay-day vacay, so I just stole a prescription pad.
Whoa.
13,000 views? "Evil lawyer passes out" has gone viral.
- You should quit.
- I know.
I can't stop refreshing.
No, I mean, you should quit your job.
You hate it anyway, right? And life's too short, babe.
When I was driving to the hospital, I was just trying to imagine my life without you, - and I freaked out.
- I love you so much.
Mm.
You've got to stop eating like a pregnant woman.
If I quit my job, what am I gonna do? I don't know.
You could work for a good law firm.
You know, represent honest people.
Or I could I could really focus on my legal erotica.
Theo "legal" Eagleton has a few more cases to prosecute - and a few more paralegals to "mentor.
" - Whichever one you think would bring the most good into this world.
That's good.
Where'd you get this? I know.
I snaked it off a tray in the hallway.
I mean, can you believe there was only one bite taken out of it? Don't waste it.
So here we go again Just like I said I would for you - Ooh! - You got to catch me! The mirrors in the sky They show us how we lie it's true Check it out.
Fred laid us breakfast tomorr - Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa! Chicken down.
Chicken down! Wait! Nobody step on the chicken! It's dinner tomorrow night.
- Cher's Farewell tour.
- "Gone with the wind.
" - Dad's fake heart attack! - Yes! - Good job! - Enough! What is going on here? Oh.
Oh.
Are each of these a version of "Pete's fake heart attack"? Except for the ones you wrote.
Amelia Earhart? Who the hell is that? I vote that we move on from this juvenile suggestion.
You can say anything you want movies, books, TV shows, titles of anything, phrases whatever.
- Okay, baby.
I got one.
- Okay.
- Go, Kate! - I got one.
- Come on, Kate! - Go.
- Movie! See? Isn't this fun? - Movie! Three words.
- Three words.
- Okay.
Uh, movie, three words.
"Dancing with wolves.
" No, no, no! "Dancing with dogs.
" - "Hotel for dogs"! - "My left foot"? - "Dad's fake heart attack: The movie.
" - Yeah!
All I need is between 3 and 18 minutes.
When you look at me, you think of a mom, right? Now I'm gonna need It's just, you know, this Sunday is my first Mother's Day, and I know that the kids are spending it with Jackie and Diane, - But I'm a mom now, too, right? - Absolutely.
Mm.
You're sweet.
Come here.
- Oh, my god! - I don't mind if you fake an orgasm, - but at least try to sell it.
- No.
An oil line burst near the Galápagos islands earlier today, threatening to destroy its delicate marine ecosystem.
Is that oil company one of your clients? The spill is threatening hundreds, if not thousands Please be telemarketers.
Oh, great.
Work.
Hello? Crap.
Let's start a counternarrative.
Uh, the cleanup's gonna take months.
Let's go with a pro-jobs angle.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
Look, I'm gonna have to start a war room.
It's gonna take all weekend.
I'll make this up to you.
- Oh, you mean sex.
- Don't say it like that.
I heard about that oil spill.
I hope you're not representing them.
Hillary, this, uh, cleanup is gonna take months.
It's gonna create thousands of jobs.
You're not going to use that, are you? No.
No.
I'm just testing it out.
Oh, those pelicans are coughing up oil.
Oil is a totally organic substance.
Hey, uh, I'd like to make a reservation for your Mother's Day brunch.
- For how many? - Table for one.
- Oh, that's so sad.
- Oh, come on.
I'm sure it's not the saddest thing you've ever heard.
- I mean, you work at the - It is.
It really is.
Well, you know what? The joke's on you, because this is Michelle Obama.
- Oh.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- What's in the bags? - What bags? We don't have bags.
You know, I think I'm gonna go study.
So don't come in.
And, Kate, where do you keep the wrapping paper? Uh, no reason.
I just was asking for a friend.
Our friend also needs tape and scissors, too.
Hall closet.
There is nothing cuter than kids trying to hide Mother's Day presents.
Except me making this face.
- Boo.
- Mm.
Anyway, K-hole, D-bag and I were talking, and seeing as tomorrow is your first Mother's Day There is no greater gift that we could give to you than to let you spend Mother's Day with the kids.
Seriously? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
You would give your Mother's Day to me? - Yes.
- You deserve it.
And it didn't cost us anything.
I can't believe you're acknowledging me as a mom.
When I first met you, I thought, "there is no way in hell I am leaving my children with this vapid, gold-digging alcoholic," but over the course of the year, I've come to see that though you enjoy a cocktail, you don't need a cocktail.
No.
Don't.
And when I first met you, I was like, "Wow.
Blond Jackie.
Real original, Pete!" Now I come to realize that there's a lot more to you than just me.
God, thank you.
Thank you.
I don't even know, uh, what to you know What's the word? I mean, it's just I-I-I'm like You know? - Aww.
A veritable thesaurus.
- Just You know, when you think of the word, text us.
- Okay.
- Okay? Okay.
For a price, I've got a guy who can write up a pretty believable study, so what do we want it to say? You know, "seals do more harm than good"? Um "penguins nature's silent killer"? I don't know.
Talk to me.
Roger, yeah? What do you got? Where are the pickles? I don't see any pickles.
Let's just say it was the turtle's fault.
- I like it.
- I was kidding.
Okay, you know what? Let's take five.
Let's focus on the sandwiches.
Then we'll come back and hit this thing hard, okay? Hey, Pete, can I get your advice? I'm trying to figure out what kind of panty to get Jackie for Mother's Day.
H.
R.
was supposed to talk to you about talking to me about my ex-wife's panties.
Right.
Totally.
Edible.
- This is a disaster.
- Yep.
Who doesn't put pickles on a deli platter? - Ah.
It's been a tough day for all of us.
- Send an intern out to get pickles.
I'm on it.
Pete, I think you're ready to take the next step.
I'd like you to be lead counsel here.
Wow.
That's that's incredibly generous.
You've earned it.
You know, when people think of this horrific disaster, they'll think of you.
You're doing a bunch of cable-news interviews tomorrow.
Could get ugly.
So you want me to go out there and take the bullet? Like the brave boys at Omaha beach.
- Yeah.
- Probably shouldn't mention beaches.
Mm.
I got a tee time.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Your moms gave me an awesome gift the opportunity to spend a day with you on Mother's Day and I think that you guys should give them equally awesome gifts.
Seems like you should get them an awesome gift.
- Or - Mm-hmm? I can help you guys get them gifts that recognize what wonderful mothers and unique women they are.
- Oh.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Let's brainstorm.
Jackie first.
- Box wine? - No.
Come on.
Think of what she likes, what she's into.
Boxed wine.
Am I saying it wrong? "Boxed wine?" Let's think of something that's not so sad.
- Ooh! Paint! - Seeds.
Beads.
- Nope seeds.
- Yeah.
That's better.
That's better.
But I want something that's gonna blow her mind.
Ooh! My Mom has always wanted a chicken.
She likes fresh eggs and birds that try to fly but can't.
Let's do it.
Siri, where can I get a chicken? Calling Kevin.
Well, there's a lot of things people don't know when they buy their first chicken.
There's a wide variety of domesticated species to choose from.
You got your Cornish, your Jersey Giant, - uh, Dorking - I'll take that one.
Perfect.
- They're very sweet.
- Good.
Big poopers, so that's good.
- They're over there somewhere.
- Okay.
I haven't learned to recognize the differences yet.
We should get Mom a cow.
Fresh hamburgers whenever we'd like.
Warren, we're getting Mom what she'd want, not what you'd want.
Okay, but remember that for my birthday.
What does she like? - Yelling at waiters.
- Yeah, but that's how she helps them get better at their jobs.
What else? Flemish masterpieces of the 17th century.
Great! How much do one of those cost? Wow.
Wow.
I'm holding a chicken.
This is grosser than I thought.
Here Bert, take your chicken.
- Hell no! - Good news.
We figured out what Mom wants.
- Oh.
- Hey, uh, question do you have $4 million? Do you take bitcoin? Kidding.
I don't even know what that is.
The painting's a still life.
We could re-create it.
- Here you go.
- Oh.
Great.
Yeah, I mean, all we need is a vase and some flowers and burnt-up candle and a-a pipe, a statue, a seashell, a wineglass, - Yep.
- some antique coins, a wreath, an hourglass, and a human skull.
- Yep.
- Yep.
All right.
Well, let's split up.
You kids go to the mall, and I'll go rob a grave.
- Awesome.
Let's go.
- Perfect! Great! - Uh - Bye.
Graves are, uh, this way.
And did you know that chickens only have one hole for all their downstairs business? - Steve, get rid of the egg salad.
- That is not my job, Pete.
I know it seems like a lot, but I think Jackie and Diane are gonna love these gifts.
And, you know, I really want to do this because they finally said how much they appreciate me, and I just want to show them how much I appreciate them.
Uh-huh.
- Are you listening to me? - Yeah.
I-I love what you just said.
Yeah? What did I say? Yeah, exactly.
Listen, honey, I got to go.
Okay? I love you, babe.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
All right, guys.
You go in her room and wake her up with Mother's Day pecks from you and the chicken, all right? Here.
Here.
Take - Shh! - Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Kate, my Mom's not here.
She's not here? She left the door unlocked.
- That's weird.
- That's not what's weird.
What's weird is that she set up the vacation feeder for the parrot.
Hmm.
Put it on the counter, and I'll arrange the coins.
- Okay.
- Go.
Go.
Go.
Something's not right.
Yeah, first time I've walked in here and not been judged.
It's 7:01 the coffee maker should be on, and the jazz music should be playing.
This is her 12-minute relax window before her 3-minute shower.
Well, maybe she's taken an early shower.
Yeah.
And maybe she's eating a hot dog in there, too.
- She's not in here.
- What are the chances both your moms gone on Mother's Day? The day they "so selflessly" gave to me.
"Oh, Kate, you be with the kids.
You deserve it.
" - Mother f - Ah! - Mm.
- Mother what? Whoo! Yeah! That's a good time! All right! Okay.
All right.
All right.
Now your turn.
I'll hold the wheel while you drive.
Guys, we're looking for clues a hint, you know? Something that tells us where your moms went.
- Found something.
- What? Black licorice! Plan "B" I am gonna check the computer.
Warren, you call your Mom and try to find out where she is.
- Okay.
- Bert, easy on the licorice.
No promises.
"Vegas for intellectuals.
" "What is a gif?" "Matt Lauer shirtless.
" "What does the Fox say?" God, I could read this for days.
Uh, h-hello, Mother.
Sound more natural.
Uh, Mom Mother hi.
I was just wondering, you know, per chance, where are you? - Why? What's wrong? - Uh, what's wrong? I Ooh.
Mom.
Someone - farted in my face? - Well that does sound like an emergency, Warren, and one I'm sure Kate can most assuredly handle.
Oh, no, Mom, but I love you, Warren.
Happy Mother's Day.
Okay.
Bye.
- Do you think they're onto us? - Someone farted in Warren's face.
- Gross.
- Mm.
Oh, Diane, we got to lay down some real ground rules here, okay? Uh, "panties on the door don't come ashore.
" "panties on the floor could use one more.
" - What does that even mean? - Uh, like, a threesome.
So, you doing anything special for Mother's Day? - Just selling my soul.
- Wonderful.
I always thought you were more of a winter.
- What is happening? - Is this what you do at work? I want to be a pretty lawyer.
I got promoted to lead counsel.
I'm gonna give a, uh, press conference this afternoon.
- That's great, babe.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm the new face of evil.
I don't want to bore you with work stuff.
- Great.
'Cause we're on a mission - Good.
- Mm-hmm.
- for justice.
- You came to the wrong place.
- Okay, Dad, listen, your ex-wives yeah, they're real pieces of work.
They dumped the kids and Kate on me, and now my day is ruined.
They betrayed me.
They made me feel like I was part of the mom club, and then they ditched me.
- I mean, what is this high school? - Apparently.
Yeah, that that sounds really immature.
It is immature and hurtful.
So now we're gonna track them down, - and we're gonna ruin their Mother's Day.
- And we're gonna shame them.
Do you know where Sad Steve is? 'Cause I have a feeling he knows exactly where Jackie is.
Did you come here to see me or Sad Steve? Babe, you.
But, really, do you know where Sad Steve is? I can and will tell you almost all other personal information but that.
Just tell me where she is! Please do not scream at me, okay? I don't like mean voices.
Kate, can you please give us a minute? Sure.
Yeah.
Oh, and close the door.
Thanks.
Please tell me where my Mommy is.
- I really need to talk to her.
- Bert Please don't touch those.
- Whoops.
- You're putting me in a tough spot.
Your mother is very special to me, and I promised to her that I would keep her secret.
But I can't wait to tell her that I want you to be my new daddy.
She's staying at the Montage Laguna until tomorrow night.
Oh, wow.
You surprised me, you little rascal.
You want to try to call her right now together? Huh? - What do you say son? - I already have a Dad! Kate! I got it! I know where she is! Caroline, could you please, uh, move up my session with my therapist to as early as possible this week? Preferably, uh, this afternoon.
- Here you are, ma'am.
- Oh.
- One bottle of our finest champagne.
- David, I could kiss you on the mouth, but I don't know where it's been, so I'm not gonna do it.
Maybe after I drink that bottle.
Come back in 10 minutes.
Oh, and charge it to room 242.
There's nothing more relaxing than a 5,000-meter swim.
I don't know.
This is my ninth one of these, and I'm feeling pretty chill.
Oh, wait.
We're in room 342.
Okay.
David? Oh, well.
He's gone.
Oh, there.
Hey, David! What up? - Happy Mother's Day! - Diane! Code red! Looks like you're having a good time, huh? What's this? Ooh, lobster roll? Yeah.
Yes, please.
Mmm! Kate, if you're going to act like a child, - the kiddy pool is over there.
- I thought you gave me the kids because you respected me and accepted me.
Well, it's not my fault if your ego allowed you to forget everything I've ever said about you in your life.
Okay, get out of the pool, Diane.
Nope.
I haven't finished my laps.
- Oh, yes, you have! - Oh! Ooh! - Hey! - Get off of my meal ticket! - Get off me! - Kate! I warned you! - Ooh! - Ooh! Is this what you want?! Is this what you want?! Mom fight! Mom fight! - How's your Mother's Day going? - Amazing.
You all right, man? You look kind of pale.
Me? I-I-I'm I'm stressed a little stressed.
Yeah, I would not want to have your job right now.
Okay, you'll hear Randy in your earpiece in three, two We are here with Pete Harrison, lead counsel for Hirshey/Pollack Petroleum.
Sir, does your firm have any comment about the devastating effects of the oil spill on the Galápagos? First, I-I-I just want to say "happy Mother's Day" to all the all the great moms out there.
How about those moms? And to your point, the thing about an environmental crisis of this of this magnitude my client has always always maintained I think I think I have to - I can't believe you tricked me.
- I can't believe you found us.
I can't believe this is good for the yogurt treatment in my hair.
And now there's yogurt in the pool! You know, I'm smarter than you think I am, Diane, all right? I know what a gif is.
I know what the Fox says.
Do you? I have a sense.
- Really? - Guys, you have to stop.
Um Pete had a heart attack.
- Jackie, that's not funny.
- What? No, I got a text from Sad Steve.
"Pete had a heart attack.
" - What? - Oh, my gosh.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Peter Harrison.
Kate, if anything happens, we're gonna get through this together.
We tried everything we can but we're out of options.
There's no easy way to say this.
I think we should see other people.
- For god's sakes.
- What? Peter Henry William Harrison.
- Who are you? - This is his wife.
His wife is already in there.
- No.
- What? - No, what? Hey, babycakes.
- Aah! - Shh.
Warren, Hillary, bird, and I were so darn worried.
- Where's Kate? - Who's Kate, my love? - Stop it.
- Ugh.
Gross.
- I can't continue with this bit.
- Oh, my god.
Pete, are you okay? Yeah, he's fine.
Sorry I didn't text you.
I actually took out my phone to text you, but then I started playing Candy Crush.
The paramedics said I had a mild heart attack, but - I-I feel fine now.
- You look good.
And that mascara really makes your eyes pop.
Taking a look at your chart here.
Have to add that.
Okay, Jackie.
Excuse me.
I'm going to just scribble out "green-tea enema," - if that's okay with you, nurse Jackie.
- No.
Dad, I was so scared.
Sweetie, you don't have to worry.
I'm not going anywhere.
But you promised to take me to Disneyland.
Oh, no.
No, Bert.
He was using a finger of speech.
- He means he's never going to die.
- I love you, Dad so much.
You're the one who's gonna take care of me when I'm older.
I know.
- All right.
Thank you, nurse.
- Ah, yes.
Okay.
Mr.
And Mrs Uh, missuses Harrison.
You can call me Jackie.
Actually, "Jackée.
" I'm Mrs.
Harrison.
Um, so, tell me w-was it a heart attack? Uh, not exactly.
Mr.
Harrison, you'll be fine.
You just had a severe case of indigestion.
So it was a-a mild heart attack? Nope.
Did you eat anything strange today? Um pickles one or two pounds of, uh, cured meats six mini cupcakes - two regular-size cupcakes - Okay, Peter, that's disgusting.
and a pudding pop.
- Babe.
- Really, Dad.
Doctor, this feels to me like a wake-up call.
What do you recommend? Should I I don't know change my lifestyle? Pull back at work? Decide what's really important? Well, cut down on the cupcakes, and you know what? I actually have a pamphlet it's got a cartoon broccoli on it you might find informative.
It's actually very funny.
You won't even realize you're learning.
Oh! I think we're gonna need a second opinion.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! - Sorry! - Sorry! Well we're in a hospital.
I guess it's safe.
- Whoo-hoo! - Anyway - Good luck.
- See you on the flip side.
- Yep.
Uh, hey.
Did you guys mean any of the nice things you said about me yesterday? Or did you just say them to trick me into watching the kids? Oh, well, I-I mean, I wasn't really - What? Me or her? - tricking.
'Cause you didn't have to trick me, you know.
I really love being with your kids.
I just feel stupid because when you gave me Mother's Day, I actually felt like one of the moms, and then you guys went and hung out without me, which hurts because for some strange reason that I can't quite understand I really like you guys.
- Oh - Kate for some reason that I can't understand, I like you, too.
I consider you as much a part of this family as Jackie.
Yeah.
Let us make it up to you.
It's still Mother's Day.
- And I have this amazing hotel room - That I'm paying for.
that is just screaming to have a lay-day vacay, so I just stole a prescription pad.
Whoa.
13,000 views? "Evil lawyer passes out" has gone viral.
- You should quit.
- I know.
I can't stop refreshing.
No, I mean, you should quit your job.
You hate it anyway, right? And life's too short, babe.
When I was driving to the hospital, I was just trying to imagine my life without you, - and I freaked out.
- I love you so much.
Mm.
You've got to stop eating like a pregnant woman.
If I quit my job, what am I gonna do? I don't know.
You could work for a good law firm.
You know, represent honest people.
Or I could I could really focus on my legal erotica.
Theo "legal" Eagleton has a few more cases to prosecute - and a few more paralegals to "mentor.
" - Whichever one you think would bring the most good into this world.
That's good.
Where'd you get this? I know.
I snaked it off a tray in the hallway.
I mean, can you believe there was only one bite taken out of it? Don't waste it.
So here we go again Just like I said I would for you - Ooh! - You got to catch me! The mirrors in the sky They show us how we lie it's true Check it out.
Fred laid us breakfast tomorr - Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa! Chicken down.
Chicken down! Wait! Nobody step on the chicken! It's dinner tomorrow night.
- Cher's Farewell tour.
- "Gone with the wind.
" - Dad's fake heart attack! - Yes! - Good job! - Enough! What is going on here? Oh.
Oh.
Are each of these a version of "Pete's fake heart attack"? Except for the ones you wrote.
Amelia Earhart? Who the hell is that? I vote that we move on from this juvenile suggestion.
You can say anything you want movies, books, TV shows, titles of anything, phrases whatever.
- Okay, baby.
I got one.
- Okay.
- Go, Kate! - I got one.
- Come on, Kate! - Go.
- Movie! See? Isn't this fun? - Movie! Three words.
- Three words.
- Okay.
Uh, movie, three words.
"Dancing with wolves.
" No, no, no! "Dancing with dogs.
" - "Hotel for dogs"! - "My left foot"? - "Dad's fake heart attack: The movie.
" - Yeah!