Truckers (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 MUSIC: "You Can't Judge A Book By The Cover" by The Strypes I've just oiled my ramekin, and I'm getting firm peaks off my mixture.
'Oh, yeah.
Go on.
' I've just got to slip it in somewhere hot now.
'Ohhh!' What is going on?! 'Malachi? Is that you, mate?' What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm back for a tea with sugars in, which I think most people would consider normal after a hard day's work, as opposed to banging out the porn version of Delia Cooks.
You shouldn't be here.
I can see that! I mean you're not due home till Thursday.
You're supposed to be out tramping.
Martin'schanged the roster again.
I don't know what he's playing at.
Well, I do.
It's new broom syndrome That's not the point! I could have been Glen.
Can you imagine that? He walks in, seeing you like that? The same woman who read him Winnie the Pooh when he were a baby! He won't walk in.
He's stopping round at Caroline's all night, so Kyle can enjoy the dinner I'm cooking him.
Well, good for Glen.
Are you going to bell him and tell him he can come home early, or shall I? What? Well, you needn't think I'm having my tea ruined by you and your boyfriend writhing round all over the condiments.
No.
You're not stopping here tonight.
I've booked the house.
I've got it.
Look.
There.
I shouldn't have to check a sodding diary to see whether I can spend a night under me own roof.
Why shouldn't you? This arrangement is supposed to be fair, Mal, but you're just having a laugh, or your head's buried a hundred foot deep in the sand.
Which is it? Now, clear off out of it, this instant.
I haven't arranged anything! Where am I going to sleep? Not my problem.
Just not here.
Ey up, Dad.
Thought I'd get my pre-gym in before I drop the wagon off.
Don't blame you.
Looks good.
They've got the regular chef back now, haven't they? Can't have eggs, can you? With your cholesterol? Bollocks to that.
I'm stressed.
I need a bit of a treat.
Why are you stressed? Cos your mum's acting up again, which is why I need you not to go round to Caroline's later and to come home with me instead.
I just want you to show a united front with me.
I'm not sure I want to show a united front.
I think I'd rather go round to Caroline's and have sex.
Unbelievable.
You're playing right into his hands, you know, the boyfriend.
He'll be delighted with this.
Opposition ranks in disarray.
He isn't like that.
"Kyle!" He isn't, Dad.
He's a really nice bloke.
He took me to Alton Towers on Saturday, plus he's given us this book from this shop, all this, like, tantric stuff - how to stop coughing your custard all through power of your mind.
It means you can keep going for hours.
Look, Glen, I don't want to know.
He's headed round there already with his bloody massage oils and his scented candles to be alone with my wife.
But she isn't, though, is she? Not now.
Oh, yeah, on that, she asked me to give you this, this morning.
I forgot.
Decree absolute.
She's had it laminated?! Yeah, so you can keep it in the cab, and it'll be like that thing that Bob keeps in his, you know? Um Oh, what's it called? Shaped like a cross.
Crucifix.
Like that.
To remind you.
Of what? That you're footloose and fancy free.
So, that's it then, is it? Gym and off round your girlfriend's for a knee-trembler? It's all right, as long as I know.
I'll call Steve and I'll go and see him.
Didn't he say he'd rather slam his wagon door repeatedly on the end of his knob than ever have you stop at his house again? I can find an alternative.
He isn't my only mate in the world.
I'll let you get that, and all for the price of a go on Oblivion.
I hope you can sleep at night.
I haven't missed Bob, have I? He hasn't been and gone? No, but I thought you had.
Yeah, I forgot summat.
Great.
Now you're back, we've just had the first lot of data through from the logistics people.
Evening! Bob! Just talking about you, mate.
How's it going? Sit down, I'll get you a coffee.
Malachi I'm busy.
You're all right, Malachi.
I won't doddle, I've got pilgrims coming.
Do it every year.
The seminarians.
They drag across all the way from Leeds to Walsingham.
You're joking? Nope.
Stick the cross in the shed and then 11 of them bed down for the night.
11? What are you, a bleeding monastery? Bob, be good if you could look at this an' all.
It's the first lot of stats.
Engine management, braking systems It was a bit lively on the throttle.
It's fascinating stuff.
All right.
Taco, as requested.
I had a slight parking issue at the petrol station, which may show as a lot of weird reversing, but it was that or tear the entire roof down.
It can happen, Steven, to the best driver in the world.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
Is this going to take long? No It's Right.
Three minutes over on my first break.
I couldn't find anywhere safe to pull in.
Oi! You're parked in my place.
Shift it.
Yeah, I will, I'm going now.
Steven, hang on.
I don't blame you, mate.
When you've had an incident, a no-fault incident, you can still be shaken up.
What you on about? Me time.
That's exactly what you need.
Get yourself home, nice hot bath, couple of tinnies, crank up the old PlayStation.
Of course, it always works better in two-player mode, doesn't it? Oh Oh, I see! Forget it.
Not after last time.
Oi! Are you going or not? Yeah, I just No, he's not.
And neither are you, actually, so I'm sorry, but I did put a memo out about this, in the eventuality that we got this stuff back.
What stuff? The telemetrics, the read-outs.
It was mooted that we might discuss it alongside with the changes to the roster and the GPS.
Yeah, the spy in the cab.
It is not a spy, it's harnessing new technology.
How is your place these days, Wendy? What? Your house, to which you're imminently headed.
I've always thought of it as very spacious, your home.
Oh, no.
Not at the moment.
Well, I'm having a lot of work done.
It's like a building site.
Look, I've got a meeting in ten minutes, Martin, and I can't miss it.
Yeah, and I'm seeing the kids.
- I've got the cross.
What about you, Michelle? You got something on, or are you headed straight home? Which is where exactly, these days? I can't remember.
Um, B&B, just till I get my new place.
Look, you're going to have to engage with this stuff eventually, right? We're on a programme of continuous improvement from now.
I've told you that, this is part of it.
It's what we used at Norska.
What, the fish fingers people? Cod! I was moving cod! In bulk, very effectively.
You had a four-bedroom place down there, didn't you? Fine, just give us a print out, then.
I'll have a look at it when we finish with the kids and then we can talk about it tomorrow.
Done.
Wendy? No, you're all right, thanks.
Look, I remember that e-mail now, and it said, "All those who are interested, please stay behind.
" And I'm not, really.
You know, in life, or in print, if I'm honest.
I'll pick it up as I go along.
Great.
Great.
Well, that's clear then, isn't it? Two copies.
What is wrong with you lot? What? The attitude.
Us? Look, Michelle, I feel sorry for him, fair enough, but we've all got our problems.
If he knew what I was going through at the moment He's right, Michelle.
He's totally blinkered.
Plus, this whole, "Stick with us cos my dad dropped dead with a heart attack" card.
How long can he keep playing that? Longer than three months! No, you're right.
I'll talk to him about it.
(Back at his).
Thank you.
Where's Malachi gone? Yours.
I think he's planning on having a chat with you later.
Oh, Christ.
Can you tell me what the bloody hell is going on? Andrea, it's fine.
I promise.
Where do you keep your sugar? It's all right, I don't want to be no trouble.
You begged me.
"Come to Nottingham with me, Andrea.
Move in with me.
"Let's take it to the next level.
"Never mind there'll be no London waiting, "never mind you'll have a smaller company car, "never mind you'll lose your 25% discount in Costa Coffee, "cos that won't matter, cos it'll just be you and me now.
" Well, it isn't now, is it? I've got a shoot on tomorrow, Martin.
I was doing my pyramids.
I'm all over the shop now.
What you doing? Ey up, Martin.
Has she told you? Sue, not letting me stop in me own house.
No, no, what are you doing here, with me? I need a bed and there was no-one else.
But you can't! Why cant I? Because! Have you forgot, already? Day you cleared off to university, you stood by my truck and you hugged me and you said, "Band of brothers", meaning you, everyone in the yard and me.
I'd just seen it on the telly, I was dead emotional.
You said it cos you meant it.
Well, if I did, circumstances change.
I have responsibilities now, Malachi, different responsibilities, and not just to myself.
Plus, there's the whole safety issue.
Steven told me what happened with his chip pan when you were with him.
Christ, Malachi.
This is your own fault.
You're divorced.
You shouldn't be living with your wife, still.
That's why you get divorced, so you can sell up and get your own place.
We can't afford to, can we? We'd be crippled by that negative equity if we both did that.
In which case, maybe you should try a little bit harder not to get on her nerves, eh? Is that my dressing gown? Oh! Please, Martin! It's one night and you're like a son to me.
Bloody hell, Glen thought you were his brother until he were 12, and I know he's a bit thick and that, but it just goes to show how much time you spent round ours, doesn't it, while your dad was setting everything up.
We're family, Mart.
You, me, my Glenand your dear old dad.
Let's not betray that, eh? I can see your cock.
Love.
Love! I've just spoken to him.
I want him gone.
There's hairs in this plughole I don't recognise.
I know, and he will beeventually.
I'm not sharing my house with him, Martin.
Not for one second.
It's not your house, though, is it? Actually, it's mine, so Oh! Oh, Jesus! Malachi! Mal, I thought you were out.
He's supposed to be out.
I live here, Sue.
I live here! This is my house! I'm not about to camp down in my cab on a night when I'm not tramping, when there's a perfectly good bed going free here.
I thought you'd booked it? It's me bleeding home, Kyle! It's not a cheap day's sodden return to Chesterfield.
Calm down, Malachi! Oh, says the woman who's just been caught with an interesting alternative to a mouth full of toothpaste, last thing at night.
We weren't expecting you, Mal, mate, honest.
Just shut it, will you? I'm not speaking to you.
Gosh, you stand there having an erection in my bathroom like it's your entitlement.
I'm still paying half the mortgage on this place, you know.
I should charge you for that bloody lob on.
Jesus, what's going on? You can't leave it alone for five minutes? What's the matter with you? He's asked me to marry him.
What? Just now.
We were celebrating.
What's wrong with going out for a Harvester or summat? Glen could have walked in on that, you know.
Stop it with Glen.
It's nowt to do with him.
This is about us, Malachi, and the fact that we can't carry on like this, with both of us living here.
It's gone as far as it can.
I'll put a lock on the door.
What? I'll make sure I can't walk in.
I just need to know when you're doing it, that's all.
There's probably an app I can get for me phone.
Malachi, it ain't working.
And it's only going to get worse, in light of recent news.
So, given that Glen's at home, still, and I do plenty of looking after for him, I suggest you're the one that moves out.
I'll help you with the costs of everything as best I can, getting a flat and that, but I want to live with my husband, Mal.
And that isn't you any more.
What? I can't believe you're actually doing it.
I mean, the divorce were bad enough, just cos you strayed a bit Mal!.
.
but actually breaking up the family home Stop it! I'm just saying, destroying our home, just because you had a fling, it doesn't seem right.
This is the driver, isn't it? What? This is Malachi the Trucker talking.
I don't know what you're on about.
Yeah, you do! It weren't sex, Mal.
We aren't here now cos I went off with Kyle one night and that upset everything.
We're here now, cos he gives me all of himself, all of the time.
I do! No, you don't.
You can't.
And you know that.
That's why you drive, cos, truthfully, you're only happy when you're en route, where everything's filtered through a sheet of glass.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
Even Glen said it about when he was growing up.
You were never really at home, even when you were here.
There was always a bit of you out on the road, still, where you really felt comfortable.
Sue, don't bring Malachi, you can't live like that.
You can't always put off the here and now cos you're on your way somewhere.
You have to arrive, eventually.
You have to stop and get out, and be in it 100%, and that's why we aren't together.
So .
.
just be in this moment, for a minute.
Be right here, now, will you? And listen to me.
I'm marrying Kyle.
And you've got to move out.
Can I just remind you, try and take your breaks while you tip.
It'll make a massive difference to your driving hours.
Yep, if you say so.
What's that? It's my kit bag.
Doesn't it appear on them satellite read-outs you get? Mal, what's up? All right, Mart? No, I mean, shouldn't you be in Sleaford? What? Oh, me round, yeah Well, I haven't started it yet.
What have you been doing? I just assumed you had set off early.
I did, about midnight, only then took her for a bit of a spin, that's all.
A spin? Where to? I can check inside on the computer Wales.
And the Bournville Chocolate Museum, and the Yorkshire Sculpture Park.
And Skegness.
How much fuel have you got through? I don't know.
A bit, I suppose.
A bit?! Oh, come on.
Everyone uses their wagons for the odd domestic.
Wales is not a domestic.
It's a bloody touring holiday! To be fair, Martin, he's not late, though, is he? It's the expense.
Jesus, why do you think I had the telemetrics installed? Well To improve our cost effectiveness.
That's how we're going to increase our profit margins.
If one or two of you had managed to hang about last night, I could have shown you exactly what I mean.
Give us your fuel card.
Eh? Your fuel card.
I want to see how much you've used.
Oh, nah.
That's not on.
That's questioning his integrity, that is.
He said "a bit".
He gave you his word, and you've got to respect that.
Why have I? Cos that's how it works.
You know, the boss backs his crew.
That's how we've always done it, and it ain't turned out too bad that way, has it? Steven, I am not my dad, I realise that, but I do have a degree in business management, I've got experience, and I know what I'm talking about, so let me see your card.
Me mum's marrying Kyle.
Eh? Glen.
You can't have a go, he's upset.
Glen! No.
No, it isn't fair.
She rung us this morning.
It's official now.
He's out on his arse, once and for all.
Lookwait! Dad, wait.
Wait.
Were you trying to humiliate me? No, I were looking after you.
You make it sound like I were booted out.
I have chosen to leave.
Oh That's great, then.
I mean, I just assumed it were all That's brilliant.
I bet it is.
Yes, I bet it is for you, and your mum, and the toy boy.
Now you can all nestle down together and start playing happy families without me, which is fine, cos your mum, she's not the only one to have attracted a bit of extra-curricular attention over the years.
You just ask Maureen Noakes or Debbie Logan or Underpass Patty.
Any one of them would have had a piece of me if I'd just simply tooted my horn.
Who are you? Women, Glen.
By God, they are women who have made it clear to me under no uncertain terms that should I like to pull up to the bumper, baby, with my long articulated lorry, I would find ample parking space awaiting me.
Yeah, exactly.
Except I always said, "No, I'm married".
Except I'm not any more, am I? So, who shall I choose, Glen, to go with your new uncle Kyle? Which one of the many lovely beauties will I finally give my honour to? Maybe I should test drive all of them, eh, before I make a decision? Cos what's good for the goose, Glen, what's good for the bleeding goose How many miles to the gallon you getting out of that, eh? More than you will when I piss in your diesel.
Malachi! Ey up, Deborah.
How's it going? All the better for seeing you.
Do you want the cardiac care? With extra sausage.
We all like a bit of extra sausage, don't we? Mal, stop it! Kevin! So how's it going? Good.
Busy at work, you know.
All the changes.
Otherwise, I'm mighty fine.
Got a lovely arse, Deborah.
Mal! What? Well, you have.
You can't come over all innocent with me.
I've known you too long.
Funny, actually.
I was thinking earlier.
Do you remember when you had that caravan up on Snake Pass? That first Christmas you had it when it snowed? They were dropping food parcels, the RAF.
Hey, Woodhead had it worse, though.
What I remember most about it though, Debs, was me getting there and then not being able to get home Or you, you know.
No-one else around, just us two and 85 cheeseburgers.
We were never going to starve, were we? Mind, wasn't it a sod defrosting them? Especially, I remember you saying to me, "You'll perish in that cab, Malachi.
You should come in the snack bar.
"We have to keep ourselves warm "and the loaves of Hovis make surprisingly comfortable pillows.
" And then when we was moving all the food out the way, you come across that can of squirty cream! Malachi, whatever I did that night was not typical of me.
Yeah, it was.
That's why we all called you Dirty Debbie.
All right, it was.
But since then, I've altered.
But you don't need to, Debs.
I'm ready to give it a go.
What? Well, I'm just saying that if you was to invite me into your caravan of love tonight, for instance, and you wanted to get handy with the aerosol UH a second time, I don't think you'd find me backwards at coming forwards, not on this occasion.
Malachi! You're a lovely bloke.
You know I think that, but That was then and Well, you don't change, Deborah, not overnight.
It isn't overnight.
It's That were 20-odd years ago.
Was it? Yeah.
And in that time, you do alter.
Not you.
Me.
But I'm divorced now, Debs.
That's what I'm saying.
The impediment's gone.
I can be all yours.
Right.
Yeah.
Well You mean, literally? Tonight? Slip back here, have a dabble? Yeah.
I can't.
I'm going out with the girls.
Riverdance.
If you'd just give us some warning, you know, I could have probably done something, but not at such short notice.
Ring me next time you're coming by and I'll tell you if I'm free or not.
It's a lovely idea.
Here.
Have the cob on the house.
You look a bit peaky.
Do you worry about putting weight on? Eh? Or d'you have one of them fast metabolisms? What are you on about? The snacking.
I don't snack.
Well, I might very occasionally have the odd banana or summat.
You've had two chicken tikka slices, two bags of salt and vinegar and a pickled egg since you came in this morning.
I don't think that's Martin, I could go through the bin but neither of us will emerge from that with any credit.
Oh What? Nothing, just these read-outs.
Mal's.
We've had trouble with the unit since we had it fitted.
What you thinking? It must be faulty kit, that's all.
What's it saying now? He's doing 62mph through the middle of Sheffield.
He'd have had to take the restrictor off.
I can call him.
No, don't, don't.
I don't want him thinking I'm on his case again.
They've already got me pegged just below Hitler on the easy-going boss front.
Took him time to make it the success he did.
I'm not talking about success.
I just don't want to ruin it.
Nice one, Wendy.
And you pulled in an extra job today.
Same finishing time, all cos we've rationalised your hours.
Yes, I know.
Good, justmaking a point.
Good work, Glen.
Top effort.
Everything OK for you with the working hours? Yeah, no trouble, no trouble.
Well, I did get a bit confused at one point.
Hang on a minute, mate.
Take that.
And that one.
Plus that little mother.
Christ, Glen.
Michelle! Got some trucker's Tizer here we need to get rid of.
Kept going over and over it, man.
Break when tipping, break when tipping.
Kept forgetting to get out and go to the loo.
Good work, Mal.
How'd you get on? OK? Yeah, no problem.
Have you had a crash? What? What's happened? I can explain.
I did it all exactly as you said, apart from the last three.
I couldn't get them in my hours.
I ran out of driving time.
It's this new roster of yours.
You can't have worked it out properly.
There is no other explanation.
Yes, there is.
You stopped on the way for a new identity.
Is someone after you or summat? What are you on about? Look at you! I were like this this morning.
No, you weren't.
You calling me a liar? Yes.
Yeah, all right.
I did break my day up a bit.
How is it looking? They said you can get a bit of bruising with the Botox at first but it soon settles down.
You need your money back.
Eh? Dad! Well, what'll please you is how it's lifted my mood and a happy worker is a productive worker, eh? What? Come on! All that modern management bollocks, calling us "your people", the team building.
I'm built.
In fact, at Apple, I think plastic surgery is summat that they throw in, just like softball, you know, because they know that if you're happy on the outside, you go the extra mile on the inside.
Dad! Dad! What? It's a front, isn't it? All you acting up when actually you're down? It's cos I upset you first thing, isn't it? Well, I'm sorry, but I think I've found a solution.
What you need is a lifter with me.
What? A lifter, Dad.
It's what I do when I'm feeling a bit down.
I go home and have a shower with my all-over body wash, which is quite dear, so I only use it if Caroline's texted us and said, "It's guaranteed.
"You're definitely going to get sexually gratified.
" But on a lifter day, I use it anyway.
And I blow-dry my hair with Perma Putty, which is the Man Salon Male Grooming Product of the Year, which gives you a sort of firmness and styling capability without looking too caked-on, then I step into my straight-cut jeans, my favourite shirt, vintage sneakers, and I'm off.
I go out and I'm walking around the town, maybe have a pint in one of the pubs off the Market Square, maybe nip into Dario's and have a coffee because it tastes different at night.
Then I'm out again in no time.
I'm out there.
I'm buzzing around.
I'm milling around with all the people because that's what sorts you out, Dad.
That's what a lifter does.
It makes you feel alive.
But I am sorted, Glen.
Honest.
I'm glad to hear you talk like that, same way as I'm glad that you want this situation with me and your mum to reach an 'appy conclusion all round.
It means you're growing up, son.
We're all growing up.
'Sue Davies to the lingerie department.
'Sue Davies to the lingerie department.
' I'm coming, I'm coming.
What's happened to your face? Oh, yeah.
It was a lot worse.
I made a baby cry in Sheffield! And your hair? Now, that one has hit the spot, hasn't it? First time.
Valhalla black.
It was a Goth place next door to the tanning salon, so I thought, you know, get yourself properly fettled, you know.
Like a full valet in the cab, and then you can move on.
Move on? Yeah.
With thanks.
For helping me to see the error of my ways and for giving me a wake-up call.
I'm going to go part-time, and get that strimmer you've been banging on about so I can do the back garden.
I'm going to stop going to Truckfest and I'm going to take you to Venice cos I can see the fact that you can't drive a 44-tonner down the main road without it sinking.
That isn't a reason not to go.
Malachi! It's too late.
It's too late for all of that.
I don't love you any more.
I'm going to cherish you, Sue.
And I'm going to look after you and I'm going to fuss you.
You're everything to me, Sue.
That's why I'm telling you.
I let you down.
But I can alter, I can be what you want.
I'm doing it now, I'm here, with you, sod tomorrow - a multi-drop round Mansfield and an overnighter in Perth - I'm not even thinking about it.
I'm here.
In the present.
Don'tleave meplease.
Here.
I've sorted it.
I've sorted the book.
There.
Bloody good idea, son.
Top man.
And the light's quite forgiving, isn't it? Cosmetically.
Any road, my shout! Same again? Now? Same again? Well, yeah - five to 11! So? Everywhere is open until four.
I know that! Over here, mate! Ey up.
You all right? Yeah! Great.
Buzzin'! Can't wait to throw a few shapes, soon as I hear one I recognise.
You wait till we get in The Boudoir.
It's a club.
Yeah, it is.
I were just saying to Glen, I can't wait to go, either.
Yeah, the music is better than in here.
Still it's not bad, this place, is it? Yeah, I told him, it used to be an abattoir.
Really? Yeah! Made their own pork pies.
Delicious! All the way through the '70s.
Oh.
Me dad were telling me.
Well, I'm ever so pleased you came out with us.
Yeah, me too.
I love meeting lorry drivers, I do.
Do you? Well, yeah, I mean, I get that a lot.
But then it is a fascinating job.
Plenty of scope for travelling an' delivering.
Oh, you are like the kings of the wild frontier, aren't you? I say that a lot! You know, when people say, "What do I do?" Must get lonely though, at times, mustn't it? Then I bet you're tempted a lot, aren't you? When you're out on the road with the women.
Bet they flock around you! Well Yeah, I mean, it is an occupational hazard.
But you deal with it.
Oh, I bet you do.
Hey, saucy! It's Suzy.
No, yeah, yeah, I know that.
No, I were just saying Right, well, I'll see you later then, Glen's dad.
Glen! Yo.
Did I bang my head on the way in here? No, why? No reason.
No, I think I will have another drink.
You sure? Yeah, it's time we pushed on through.
MUSIC: "Drinking from the Bottle" by Calvin Harris, feat.
Tinie Tempah We kiss, we fight All so we can have a good time - yeah! I'm in here, busy looking for the next top model Who's wearing something new With something old and something borrowed I know this crazy life can be a bitter pill to swallow So forget about tomorrow Tonight We're drinking from the bottle We're drinking from the bottle Cheers.
You're giving it some, aren't you? Feeling good, son.
Supercharged! Yeah? Cos I thought you'd peaked a bit early, you know, back in t'bar.
No, no, just getting in my stride.
Have you taken drugs? Yeah.
But I've had 'em all, so if you want any you're going to have to buy your own.
I don't use them.
I thought all your lot did.
Yeah, well, I don't.
Where'd you get 'em? Bloke in the bog.
Far trap.
It were like Boots inside! Christ.
What you had? 50 quid's worth.
No, WHAT you had? I dunno, just 50 quid's worth.
Look, son, I'm fine.
Don't worry.
In fact, I'm great.
It was the whole point, wasn't it? You were right.
I did need this, so don't put the mockers on now.
Besides which, that Suzy's up for it, I'm telling you.
And if there's one thing that'll keep your dad on the sunny side of the street, it's giving his pipes a good clean out! For which I'm going to need every bit of me energy, all right? I know.
Mwah! Ladies.
Doesn't seem to be enough room for both of us, but you get in there, and I'll wait for the next one.
It won't be long.
It's not that cold, is it? No.
That ain't right.
I'll stay with you.
We'll stick together.
Night, son.
That's very supportive of you.
I appreciate it.
In fact, I'd like to buy you a latte to say thank you.
If there's anywhere still open.
Yeah, OK.
Well, I think hotels are probably our best bet, cos they serve all night.
Of course we might have to get a room to give the impression that we're residents, but No.
That's a good idea.
Let's do that.
Come on.
Not cold, are you? No, I'm fine.
Right.
I am going to make you scream.
Yeah, whatever you fancy, don't let me stop you.
Straight to it is an approach I like.
Now, you're not to be too put off by my leopard-print thong.
I mean, I thought when I were buying it it was borderline bad taste, but Malachi? Stop talking, and come here.
Nice! Yeah? I want it.
Oh, you do.
Yeah, you really do.
What you doing? Oh, I'm just logging the moment.
Just putting it somewhere where I won't forget it.
Me, Malachi Davies, with a bloody goddess, who looks like a Page 3 model, who's half my age, and who's up for anything.
You are a prostitute.
What? You're a hooker, aren't you? That's why it worked out.
That's why the bloke at the desk greeted you like a long lost Malachi I kept saying to myself - "This can't be real, it's too perfect.
" And it is.
You're a prostitute, Suzy! I know that! Oh, shite! Hey Come on, I mean It's all right, we can still I thought you were a mate of Glen's? I am.
We were at school together.
I mean, I operate out of Knightsbridge now, but I still come back loads.
And it's my sister's confirmation this weekend, so I organised a night out with the gang.
Which meant that when you rang Glen to say you fancied letting your hair down a bit, you could get straight onto me and I could come andmake the night extra-special for you.
Glen did it? He set it all up? And he paid for it.
Well, he's doing it in instalments.
How much is it? A grand.
What?! Excuse me! I'm top-end, Malachi.
I am currently involved in three separate Premier League super-injunctions.
You're getting the best of the best, and I gave him family and friends' discount.
No, I'm sorry It just seemed like a lot.
Well, it's notwhat I can do.
So come on.
A goal's a goal in here.
Even if it does go in off your kneecap when you're not looking, you still scored.
Yeah, I know that.
Andyou're still up for it.
I've had seven Viagra - bloke at the club.
I thought he said one of them were Viagra, but I think it's safe to say they all were.
Well, all the more reason, then.
This is his mum, this is.
I mean, most lads, when they want to cheer their dads up, they get them a set of golf balls or summat.
But not my Glen - he goes straight for bleeding broke.
And that's herthat's Sue.
All or nothing.
He's a good boy.
And he's hers.
He's hers to the core.
What am I doing herewith you? Don't.
You're being daft.
Look, I don't mean to seem ungrateful or nothing, butI don't feel like it no more.
Oh.
ah! What's the matter? I can't get these over my thing and I'm getting a headache.
Let me All right? Oh! All right.
Well It was nice to meet you anyway, Mr Davies.
Say hello to Mrs Davies, cos she was my Brown Owl.
I wondered whether you'd remember me, actually - I used to get a lift back with her every now and again.
I'm agitated.
I eat when I'm agitated, all right? I never said a word.
You were looking.
You've got a very accusative face.
I'd have another slice, if I was you.
Just get me Mal, will you? He's disappeared.
He can't have disappeared, he's in a 44-tonne articulated lorry.
Well, he's not answering his phone or replying to any of the texts I send him and he's certainly not showing up on our brand-new GPS system - or rather, he is, but in Plymouth and Sunderland at exactly the same time.
Glen, we can't get hold of your dad.
I know.
Nor can I.
Well, he would've had an accident or summat.
Just wait for the cops to give us a call.
What's he playing at? I thought he'd be first in from now on.
I thought he'd want to put a marker down, you know? "The Botox was a temporary aberration.
I am a team player.
" Glen, don't rise to the bait.
He hasn't evened his blood sugar levels out yet, that's all.
Eh? You never get fed at home, do you? Cos of that skinny missus of yours.
Excuse me! I When was the last time you had solids? At your own house? Look, I just think that your dad Hey! It isn't my fault, is it? I'm here.
I'm doing my bit.
I know where he was, and he left early, cosSuzy rang me, said she was worried about him.
Who's Suzy? Suzy Hart.
Hart the Tart? She is NOT a tart.
She takes money for sex, Glen.
How would you define it? What was she doing with your dad, then? I don't know, they just Yeah, they bumped into each other.
What - like, repeatedly? While they were both naked? I Oh, Glen, tell me you didn't set Malachi up.
Please, just tell me that.
Look, you saw how miserable he was.
I just Oh, no - do not finish that sentence.
At the same time, if it were that or a pickled egg - which I know is your particular favourite when you're feeling down - personally, I'd be with Mal, I'd take the jump every time.
She's very accomplished - she plays violin.
I don't care if she plays up front for County - where is he? There's stuff from yesterday to catch up with, never mind today ALL RIGHT! Flippin' heck! All of you, nag, nag, nag! I am concerned about him, father to son .
.
to prostitute.
"Sexual Bliss.
" Sexual bleeding bliss - you're getting plenty of that at the moment, aren't you, Kyle? You bastard! Oh! Oi! What's going on? I were going to try having sexual intercourse with this shop.
What are you on about, "missing"? I saw him yesterday.
He won't be missing, love.
He's probably passed out somewhere, laying in his own mess.
You'd think that, wouldn't you? It's just I saw him last night andwe went out on the town together.
You and your dad? Yeah, just for a few beers, and we got separated and he ended up going offwith a mate of mine.
And he said I mean, I spoke to him this morning and he said Dad was dead emotional.
He even used the S-word, Mum.
Shit-faced? No! Suicidal.
Your dad was? I know.
It's hard to imagine, but she washe was adamant, and The thing is, I happen to know there was more than just drink in his system.
Drugs? Nonot Dad.
I mean .
.
dodgy kebab, probably.
But his system were definitely overloaded, so I just thought we should, you knowcheck and make sure that he's all right.
How? Well, I'm still out of town, so I thoughtmaybe on your next break, you could Have a nosey around? Would you? Gomorrah's, The Dervishyou know, the usual places.
I should never have set off, really.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Glen, he'll be fine.
I'll get on to it.
Thanks, Mum.
Absolutely.
Of course.
I'm sorry - I'll get someone straight round.
Thank you.
Sanderson's.
Oh, bollocks.
Hello, Banks of England.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Yeah, we're a driver light, but I'll get someone on it ASAP.
Thank you very much.
Fawcett's.
Fawcett's? That's Christ.
That's Wendy.
You said, "Try and share Mal's out.
" Not so everyone else fell behind an' all! Oh! Jesus Bloody idiot! Bloody hell.
Martin! I think I found Mal.
Argh! Sue! Sue, it's me.
What's the matter? Argh! Kyle? It's Malachi.
He's trying to kill me! You what? He's trying to run me off the road, Sue.
Sue! Sue He's had a bad kebab.
He's Argh! Oh, God Justget him somewhere built up, where you can't go fast, where there are witnesses.
Oh, God.
Have you tried your tantric breathing? Yeah, now ain't the time, Sue.
Get him to the marketplace, I'll meet you there.
You are joking?! I'm not.
With Suzy Hart? Yes.
That is unbelievable.
Noit seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, it's a good idea.
It's dead touching.
I just can't believe Mal ran off.
Such a twat.
Does that mean you're not going to help me? Cos Mum said he's headed for town.
Of course I'm going to help you.
Yeah? Yeah.
He's a twat, but he's our twat, ain't he? Yeah.
What's he doing now? About 80 towards the city centre.
Who's that? Steven.
He's supposed to be out tramping again tonight.
So is Wendy.
Glen an' all.
Wh And Bob! Christ, it's the whole bloody yard in full retreat.
I'll text them.
Tell them all to get back on track.
No.
No, don't bother.
Martin, we'll lose the whole day, the way it's shaping up now.
Noit's a crisis, innit? The cavalry's piling in.
It's clear.
We should maybe see if we can help an' all.
Martin? What? He's headed straight for Slab Square.
Bloody idiot! What do you think you're doing?! Mal? What have you done to your face? Shut up! I don't want to hear another word - you've caused enough trouble.
I just want you to know, to see, that it's me - Malachi Davies - who's done for you in the end.
Done for? I said shut up! And remember this, you'll be old and redundant one day.
Will I? What? Well, will I be old, or are you going to run us over? Cos you're sending mixed messages, mate.
Well Why am I here, Mal? To tell you you haven't won.
Cos I'm still going.
And just because you've got the girl and house and my lad seems quite keen, too, that doesn't mean you beat me.
Cos I know who I am.
And all right, I'm not perfect, and I did try and shag your shop this morning, which probably wasn't my finest hour, but generally, when I look at myself, I'm not ashamed.
And that's summat.
And one day, Kyle, off in the future, you'll have to look at yourself and ask how you've measured up.
Cos we all have to do it in the end - face that day of reckoning, when you stare at the man in the mirror and you ask him, flat out, "Who am I?" "What do I amount to?" Well, here you go.
Here you go.
Malachi Davis .
.
in all his glory.
Yeah - this is me.
Ecce Oh, what is it? Ecce Oh, bugger, it's above the door when you walk in The King's Head.
"Ecce" Well, whatever.
This is Malachi.
And you know what? I'm all right with it.
And that's why you're here - to witness this.
To witness me.
Cos as poor a specimen as I am, I have earned this place on Earth and I have earned some respect because of it.
Because this has come from years of getting up early and going to bed late and trying to have a laugh and trying to make a living and trying to bring my kid up right and trying to love my wife, and it takes its fucking toll, being alive.
And fair enough, I didn't always get it right.
I know that - not with my wife, any road.
But I'm not a bad man.
I'm vain and I'm lazy and I do hate facing up to responsibility and I am never happier than when I'm sitting in my cab on the M8 with the sun streaming in through my front window.
But despite all that, I have earned it.
This.
So you won't beat me.
The tyranny of youth will not beat me.
Bad spray tans which they guarantee will make you look fantastic for winning your ex-wife back again, they won't beat me.
Not Botox injections as performed by the bloody Stevie Wonder clinic in Sheffield, similarly sold as an effective way of making you look like a million dollars for your heartfelt reconciliation.
They won't beat me either.
None will defeat me.
Ecce homo! Go on, Dad! It'll have to go to the magistrates' court, but the solicitor's confident he can get us off with a fine.
The main thing, there was no booze or drugs in my system - well, Viagra, but that don't count.
You couldn't just drop us a note, could you? "I think I'll be all right now, Sue, I've worked my way through it.
" I don't like Kyle.
He's a nice man.
That's what I don't like.
I wish it could have been easier for you.
So do I.
Except I remember you saying to me once, after you'd had our Glen, you were laying with him in the bed "The reason it's so painful "is you never forget how valuable they are.
" Just forgive me, will you? I never meant to let you down, honest.
I do love you.
And I got careless with it.
Come here.
Smooth.
Oi, psycho.
Steven? Were you expecting someone else? No, I just wasn't expecting you.
Yeah, well, I rang up a couple of times.
I knew when they were tipping you out, so Hey.
Bloody hell, Mal - it's not like I've given you one of my kidneys.
I just thought you were at a loose end, you know - lift? Bed? Oh It's tough, innit? When you can't have what you want.
Well, it's not for long, yeah? Just till you get back on your feet.
Come on, then.
I've got food at home.
You've cooked? No.
Takeaway.
I put the plates out, so it feels like it.
Hey, you know when you hugged me? That log-on Oh, nowt to do with you.
It's the drugs, still.
Even if I sneeze, you know What about pudding, you got that? Pudding? You know - Bakewell tart or crumble.
I love a rhubarb crumble.
What am I? A bloody hotel? Well, no, it's just If you think you can pick up the phone in the middle of the night and somebody will bring you up a warm cup of milk I'm not saying that, Steven.
I'm just saying, if you're going to offer hospitality, you should do it properly You think me wanting to be a fitness model is a bit of a hobby? They're saucy.
A bit "How's your father?" They're pornographic.
Porn?! What's your problem? You are! How long are you going to keep this up for? Sabotage, coming in with pure ethanol in your veins.
When you follow a god, you'll disappoint always by comparison, aren't you? Pele.
Mike Pele.
You have been busy.
You stand there and you accuse my dad I'm not.
You're accusing him of cooking the books.
So go.
Piss off.
You're fired.