Trust Us with Your Life (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

The Osbournes

1 Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching Which tonight features comedy grand master Colin Mochrie The fastest improviser in the west, Jonathan Mangum Virginia's funniest-ever Craig, Craig Cackowski And every home should have one Wayne Brady.
Now here's your host Fred Willard! Hi.
Welcome to the show.
Tonight we'll be meeting two special guests, a brother and sister, to hear all about their extraordinary lives, and at various points, I'll ask our four improvisers to act out what they have just heard.
They, of course, have no idea what the guests are going to tell us, so they'll be listening as intently as anyone, trust me.
So let's meet the duo who are trusting us with their lives tonight.
Please welcome Jack and Kelly Osbourne.
Wow.
Wow, and they said they'd never show up.
Come on.
This is so great that you're here.
Thanks for being on the show.
Well, let's get things started.
Both of you, at a young age, have had quite a bit of success, and you've got your whole life ahead of you, but as little kids, what were your dreams? What did you want to be? Jack, when you were a little kid, what did you want to be? I wanted to be a firefighter or an astronaut.
Wow.
Real original.
And, Kelly, what was your, uh, dream? When I When I was a kid, I told my mum that I wanted my first job to be a telephone operator so that I could press all the buttons.
- Marvelous.
- That must be The weirdest thing to ever say you want to be, as a child.
"I want to be a telephone operator so I can go 'doo, doo, doo, doo, doo' on all the buttons.
" You could still do it, though.
I don't want to do it.
I would describe Kelly as, um, kind of a A ball of energy, just, you know, Kelly's, like, always something, you know, there's always something exciting going on with Kelly.
Okay.
We became very well-acquainted with both of you when MTV put on the reality show "The Osbournes," but none of us has really been in the house, so we're gonna start things off, as a good point, to see our performers improvise a typical scene at home with the Osbourne family.
Now bear with us.
There's gonna be a twist to this.
This is for everyone, starting with Wayne and Colin.
Come on down.
Uh, we'll play this out You both like music, so we're gonna play this out as a scene called Glee Club it, and I'll explain.
This means that we'll start the scene as a normal scene, but when you hear the phrase "Glee Club it" Glee Club it! All right.
You have to break into a song, as if in the popular TV show - "Glee.
" - "Glee Club.
" And when you hear "Back to normal" Back to normal! There it is you must return to the scene as before.
Uh, now the scene is, Wayne, you will play Kelly I'm hot.
Colin, you will play, uh, Jack, and you're arguing over the breakfast you're cooking.
Craig, you are Ozzy.
Jonathan, you'll play Sharon, who enters later.
Let's see it, inside the kitchen of the Osbourne family.
Yes.
Hmm? Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.
I've always wanted to do that.
- Ooh.
Ooh.
Sausages.
- Shush.
I just put out a fire.
I'm I'm going to be an astronaut fireman.
I'm so full of energy.
I'm so full of Oh, I'm up again.
Glee Club it! life with the Osbournes can be such a bash Because we're up in the morning Making bangers and mash Breakfast with Jack is so good, you see Boop boop boop boop, doo doo doo doo I'm so full of energy, I'm dancing Back to normal! Look what you've done to my sausages.
Eat them.
Oh, what's going on here? Uh Dad, I was putting together a fire I could put out, and Kelly's just going all over the place.
Daddy, phone call, phone call for you, phone call for you, doo doo doo doo doo.
- Kelly, you're not the bloody operator.
- Glee Club it! She wants to push the buttons She wants to push them all She's the one you want to call whenever you make a call I want to have some bloody breakfast Where's my blood sausage? I want it in my face I want it nausage Back to normal! - Only my father could rhyme "sausage" and "nausage.
" - "Nausage.
" - It's a word.
- What is this mess in here?! Oh, that's the second dog poop I've stepped in in five minutes! Relax mother.
Glee Club it! - whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - Whoa whoa whoa Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - Whoa whoa - Whoa whoa whoa whoa I don't care if you're the prince of darkness You better clean up Clean up this mess, because I am the one, the one that's carin' You better clean it up if you want some Sharon Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Nausage.
All right, that's enough of the Osbourne family.
It was so accurate.
Good work.
Was it anyway at all like what you remember, being the kids? Totally honest, it really isn't that far off.
Okay, well, through the show, we've learned about you as teenagers, but was there any kind of conflict, any kind of friction? Like, Jack, when you'd you'd bring home girlfriends, - was there any ever any prob - I wouldn't call 'em "girlfriends.
" Maybe girls that I just met.
Uh-huh.
Kelly is, uh, was very critical - of women that I would, uh, bring around.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, you know.
So she would like to, uh - Op - Block me.
We'll call we'll just leave it you know - Kelly - She'd like to block me when she could.
Why is that, Kelly? Why why did you object to that? Well, 'cause they were all gross and skanky - and not good enough for him.
- Oh.
I mean, a girl can look at a girl and know what kind of girl they are - Oh, I see, yes.
- If you know what I mean.
Guys don't always see that.
- It's the way that girls don't understand guys.
- No, I look at a girl, and I know exactly What kind of girl she is, and I don't complain.
So, Kelly, how would you deal with this? When Jack is in in his room with with a girl, would you just be angry, or would you let him know you're angry? Well, it wasn't like I would just annoy him 'cause I knew it would be annoying, and he was probably in there Talking, chatting her up whatever it is he was doing.
Bang on the door to interrupt and be annoying, or, if I didn't like them, I'd kick them out.
You'd actually go through break down the door and throw them out? - She would - I did it, I did it to this one Girl.
One So this sounds like a suitably dramatic episode, uh, to reproduce, involving all four performers, starting with Colin and, uh, Jonathan.
Come on down.
All right.
Colin, uh, you will play Jack Um, and, Jonathan, you're a girl.
Definitely.
Uh, after a while, Kelly, played by Wayne What? Yeah, "what?" Tries to break in with the help of her father, the always-responsible Ozzy Osbourne, uh, played by Craig.
Now, Jack, you're we're gonna ask you to help us out.
We're gonna give you this bell, - so if the scene goes as you remember - Okay.
Tinkle the bell, but if you don't see something that you like, or it's going wrong Give us that.
- All right.
- All right.
There we are.
- It's late at night.
We're in Jack's bedroom.
- Do I have any say in this? - No.
This is all your fault, anyway, so - Excuse me.
I We wouldn't be here doing this if it wasn't for you.
All right.
Action.
Um, you have to keep it very quiet.
My sister's whoo-hoo.
You are You're the first guy I've ever been with.
Liar.
I have another appointment in two hours, so make it quick.
- All right.
- You're the first girl I've ever had in my room.
- Oh.
You're the first Live girl I've had in my room.
Your skin is as soft as a baby's bottom.
Your skin is as rough as a lumberjack's forehead.
Thank you.
I work out.
Father.
They're inside, and I know they're doing nasty things.
- Shh.
Oh.
She's so resourceful.
I'll hide in the closet.
All right.
There's nothing here.
There's nothing wrong here.
I was just looking at my collection of fossilized -choo! Oh.
Choo.
There's a pre-echo.
- What's going on here? - Daddy, I know that there's a skanky, skanky girl.
Girls know.
Okay, we'll see you after the break, for more stories from my wonderful guests, Jack and Kelly Osbourne, on "Trust Us With Your Life.
" Welcome back to "Trust Us With Your Life," with our guests, Jack and Kelly Osbourne.
All right, right now we come to a special part of the show, called face the music, and to help us with this, please welcome our guest performer, David Armand.
David, come on out.
Welcome, David.
Now the way this works, we're gonna play a very popular song that has relevance to both of you, and David will illustrate the lyrics through mime.
However, you'll be wearing headphones that'll cancel out the sound.
You won't hear any sound.
You have to determine what the song is by watching his pantomime.
- Okay.
- All right.
So put on the headphones.
Can you hear us? Nothing? - Can't hear - That's just how we want it.
Are you ready, David? Music, please.
First I was afraid, I was petrified kept thinking I could never live without you by my side then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along and so you're back from outer space I just walked in to find you here without that look upon your face I should have changed that stupid lock I should have made you leave your key if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me, go on now, go walk out the door just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with good-bye? did you think I'd crumble? did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I I will survive oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive hey, hey I Uh - I'm blocked.
- I kind of I think Kelly might have it.
I kind of think I know what it was.
Um - what what's your guess? It's not one of my dad's songs, is it? No.
It's - no.
- No, it I think it "Come on now, go, walk out the door, don't turn around now.
" Yeah.
"I will survive.
" - Yes.
- Thank you, David Armand.
That's really good.
I had no idea.
- I was, like - I know, and that was because My final dance on "Dancing With The Stars" - was to that song.
- Okay.
- You danced to it on "Dancing With The Stars.
" - I did.
I-I danced to that song as my final dance.
- How did you do, though? - I made it to the final three - Well, that's pretty darn good.
- Which was really good.
I was so happy about that.
Wow.
It was, honestly, one of the best things I've ever done in my life.
A-a-and just being on the show just to make it on the show.
Now I want to talk about a story that I understand that Jack had to drive a car for you when he was 15 years old.
How did that come about? I have no recollection of this.
No, I don't think so, but, Jack, maybe you can tell us what uh, yeah, um, after we went to go see a band play, we all went to this bar, and, you know, because we knew the owners, they let us in, and one thing led to the other, and Kelly had had maybe one or two beverages - Mm-hmm.
- Of an alcoholic degree And got absolutely mullered.
Wasted.
She she was she was stumbling around, and and we kind of had the realization that, "wait a second, who's gonna drive your car back now?" - So you have a problem, and how do you solve it? - We have a huge problem.
We solve it by me deciding to drive the 40 minutes while Kelly was passed out in the passenger seat, having never driven before in my life.
You've never you'd never driven a car before? - No, never.
- She gave you no help whatsoever? - She was doing this.
- This was all his idea.
I was drunk.
So that's uh, let's do this as a game called sideways scene.
This is for Colin, Wayne, and Jonathan, and it takes place in a special area behind the set.
They're going to act out the scene, but the difference is that they'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat, and the scenario is, Jonathan is Jack, trying to persuade Kelly, who is played by Colin, to leave the bar and then let him drive them home.
In our version, Wayne is a police patrolman on a bicycle, uh, who spots them on the road.
So let's flash back to Hollywood on this very memorable night.
Take it away.
Kelly, are you in there? Ow! Sorry.
No, you you've got to le you've got to let me drive you home.
Come on.
The car's over here.
Come on! You get in.
You get in first.
You get in first.
Come on.
Ohh! Look! I'm Michael Jackson! Calm down.
Calm down.
I'll drive.
I'm, uh, no, I'm driving.
I've never done this before! - Oh, no! - Baker 5-12.
Baker 5-12.
We got a 6-8-7 coming down.
You Pull over.
You are going down a one-way street.
Click.
Let me get off this here bike.
Don't say anything, okay? Let me talk.
All right, freeze right there, and do this in the style of "X-Men.
" You will come out of the car now, before I teleport.
Poof! Poof! Unh! Come down! Ah! Freeze right there, and continue in the style of "Pirates of the Caribbean.
" Arr.
All right, so which one of you thinks that you're going to catch me? 'Cause it will not be either one of you.
It's okay.
I'm driving.
I've got a license.
Shing! Really? Shing! Don't cut my other leg off.
Jack! Aah! Thank you, performers.
That is brilliant.
Really good.
Thanks, guys.
That was great.
Join us after a short break, for more "Trust Us With Your Life" and Jack and Kelly Osbourne.
Welcome back to "Trust Us With Your Life" with our guests, Kelly and Jack Osbourne.
Uh, Jack, I want to talk about another incident in your life.
Your show, "Adrenaline Junkie" Yes.
One episode, you you involved your mom and your sister - Mm-hmm.
- And was a-a dune buggy ride, And it didn't go quite as planned? Yeah, we were driving these buggies.
They're called rock crawlers, and they can go up, like, a 85-degree, like, climb.
Death traps.
"Death traps.
" I mean, in the wrong hands, they can definitely, uh, cause some damage.
My mum is the world's worst driver.
She drives with her tippy-toes, like, right on the edge, while, like, on the phone, and, like, leaning, like driving, like, over the I'm like, "what are you doing, mum?" In my mum's fashion, she flipped it Oh, dear.
And Kelly, um, went absolutely insane, ran all the way from the parking lot, hits my director, goes absolutely crazy, and is like yeah.
- It all it all kicked off and - I punched him, and then I ran.
I punched him, ran, and then went straight to my mum - to get her out of the - And we didn't talk for six months.
- Oh.
- Yeah, we didn't talk for six months.
That was one of our biggest fights because I was - how did your mom deal with it? - Oh, she was laughing.
- She LA - She was ups - Upside down, laugh - Because she was embarrassed.
She was laughing.
- And there was adrenaline involved.
- Exactly.
- It's the name of the show.
- Right.
Let's see a similar action-packed episode now, in a game we're gonna call putting words into your mouth.
This is for all of our performers.
Come on down.
I'm gonna ask Kelly and Jack to join in.
So if you want to get on stage and sit on either side of Wayne Brady here.
Okay.
Wayne, you take the center seat.
Jack and Kelly getting involved in the So good.
In the activities.
We'll start with you three, but in this scene, Jack's voice will be provided by Craig And Kelly's voice, by Colin.
So the scene is Jack is leading Kelly and Sharon in their dune buggies as part of his TV show, "Adrenaline Junkie," when Sharon's buggy tips over.
The show's producer, played by Jonathan, rushes in to check if everything is okay.
Everyone set? And action.
Jack, this is wrong.
I don't think we should be in this.
It's dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, Dan-ger-ous.
Come on.
There's nothing to worry about.
I do this stuff all the time.
Mom, take the wheel.
Hold on.
Mother, what are you doing? Mother, no! Get off the phone! Get off the phone! It's fine.
Finish your call, mom.
Who cares? Mother, look out for the hill we're going up! - Aah! - Oh, this is gonna make for great video! Aah! Aah! - Maybe I'm only thinking this, and not really saying it out W I am saying it out loud now.
Aah! Oh! Oh! I can't believe it! Mother, mother, mother, mother, are you all right? That was absolutely fantastic! Ohh! I didn't know the buggy was made of plastic.
Sorry about that.
That is it, Jack! I'm not going to talk to you for at least half a year! Fine! Be my guest! That'd be the best half a year of my life.
Okay, we're gonna take a short break now.
Don't go away! Welcome back.
Okay, that's the end of the show.
So let's say a huge thanks to our wonderful improvisers And our special guests, Jack and Kelly Osbourne, for trusting us with their lives.
I'm Fred Willard.
See you again soon.
Wow.