Truth Be Told (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 One second.
I go kitchen, get your order.
Perfect.
Thanks.
Boom.
What'd I tell ya? I'm not buying the accent.
What's to buy? Russell, most people who work in a Chinese restaurant have an accent.
But not all of them do, and yet all of them do.
You think that she's faking the accent so the orange chicken tastes better? I'm just saying being Asian and faking an Asian accent She's "Uncle Tom yumming" it.
Wow.
I don't think we're allowed to talk about these things.
I know I'm not.
But I can.
Watch this.
Oh, God.
Here you go.
Enjoy.
Syeh-syeh.
You see that, Mitch? I just said "thank you" in Chinese, and she looked at me blankly.
Yeah, I think the look was, "Why is this black dude speaking Chinese?" Are you really upset about this, or is this a bit for your stand-up? Are you asking me if I can turn all of this off? I cannot.
It's the black Porsche.
Thanks, bro.
- [laughs.]
- [cell phone vibrates.]
I'm getting a text.
It tickles.
Dope! My beautiful bride just scored us four tickets to Jay Z.
- Oh, sweet! - Me, Angie, you, Tracy.
- Tracy's gonna love this.
- Dude, tomorrow night? Oh, what? This sucks.
You and Tracy still don't have a new sitter.
It's been two months! The only person Tracy will sign off on is her mom.
Ooh.
And the search continues.
You got to say something.
I'm not wasting my breath, Mitch.
It's a valet stand, not Selma.
- Then I'm saying something.
- No, no.
I'm your best man.
That did not end at your wedding.
I'm your best man everywhere we go.
I should've made my brother my best man.
Hey.
Hey, Professor.
You're not teaching your ethics class right now.
Oh, yes, I am.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hello.
This is not my car.
This is his car.
Okay.
My car is a PT Cruiser A convertible PT Cruiser.
Which is why we took my car.
Hurtful.
The point is that this Porsche or "Porscha" I don't even know how to pronounce it.
Both: "Porscha.
" - See? This car is his, and I think that you assumed it was mine because you don't think a black man can afford a fancy automobile.
Well, actually, I thought it was yours because there's a John Mayer CD playing.
Yeah, that's my CD.
We done here, Reverend Sharpton? We are.
You know, you're exhausting.
- I really am.
- Mm-hmm.
Don't look now I said don't look now 'Cause here we are Guys, why don't we just do dinner at your place? We live 30 feet away from you.
Because I needed a night out, and 30 feet is within range of Sadie's old baby monitor.
Oh, at least it's supposed to be.
Come on! You haven't been blessed with a sweet angelic four-year-old.
We want to die.
Remind me in the morning to get an estimate on a vasectomy.
Well, I'm a doctor.
I'll do it for free right now.
[laughter.]
Tracy hasn't had a real night out in 45 days.
46! Unbelievable.
I can FaceTime my grandmother in the Philippines.
I can't get a clear picture of my daughter right next door.
This stupid piece of Oh, my angel.
Oh, babe.
Okay.
Thank you, Lord, for this food and our friends.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Amen.
Ange, I noticed you eyeing the Moo Shu.
You want to put down that cup of algae and maybe get in on this? I desperately do, but I've only got 36 hours left of my cleanse, and mama's got to look good in her dress tomorrow night.
But Daddy likes that booty the way it is.
Oh, man.
They're gonna have sex and watch "House of Cards.
" Ange, how'd you score Jay Z tickets anyway? I asked everyone at my firm, and no one could hook me up.
Ange got the Head of Pediatrics to pull a favor.
Those doctors are nothing without their residents.
Oh, well, actually, Dr.
Kessman couldn't come through, so I asked Marcus.
What? Marcus? Who's Marcus? Marcus and I kind of went out for a while.
You dated for two years right before we started dating.
- On and off.
- You lived together.
We didn't live together.
I had my own apartment.
- You're talking to me, not your dad.
- Am I? I was just unaware that you two were still communicating.
- I mean, have you seen him? - No.
We just text sometimes.
What kind of texts? You know, like, "Can you hook me and my husband and our friends up with four tickets to Jay Z?" All I heard was "hook up.
" Screw it.
Pass me them ribs.
Oh, babe, that concert's tomorrow night.
We have 24 hours to either find a sitter or get Sadie way into Jay Z.
[baby fussing.]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Where is that stupid - They had another baby? They're just gonna keep trying until they have a boy.
Just play catch with your daughters! Shh, shh.
Doesn't it feel like every time they come home, it's from the hospital? I bet they have an amazing sitter.
- Mitch.
- Excuse me a sec.
- No, no.
- Yes, yes! I'm just gonna ask 'em, Jew to Jew.
M'lady needs a night out.
Look, as badly as I want one, I can't steal another mother's babysitter, can I? No.
I can't, I can't.
It's a sacred rule.
We're not breaking any rules.
The concert is tomorrow night, Friday night, the Sabbath.
They don't go out on Friday nights.
Isn't saying "they" offensive? It would be if I were talking about all orthodox Jewish people, who, for religious reasons, don't go out on Friday nights, but I'm not talking about all orthodox Jewish people.
I am talking about the Goldsteins.
The Goldmans.
Okay.
Well, that was offensive.
Okay.
I want to apologize for my behavior earlier.
I guess I misunderstood.
I thought when we got married, we were gonna stop dating other people.
Babe, I didn't mention Marcus because I didn't think it was a big deal.
You won.
You got me.
You got all of this.
Come here.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
You give me a two-minute head start, then join me.
Hmm.
That is if you're still up for it.
Oh, I'm still up for it, yeah.
Hey, but this time, we're going till the water gets cold, hello.
Hello.
Mm.
[cell phone chimes.]
Marcus, my man, you are really wrecking the mood, bro.
[in tune of "Hava Nagila".]
I got the number I got the number I got the number We're going out Friday night Both: Yay! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
- Signal, signal.
- Oh, yeah.
What you doing? Huh? No, I wasn't.
Were you looking through my text? I-I thought that was my phone.
You thought your phone was the one with the pink case? And now I see that it is not.
[scoffs.]
You know what? Look, we have no secrets.
No.
I trust you.
Do you? I'm gonna leave my phone right here, and while I'm gone, you feel free to take a look.
Boop.
- So did you look? - Of course I looked! - You had to look! - I had to look.
I mean, if I can figure out your password in four tries, you're basically telling me to look.
She is telling you to look.
So what did that dirt bag say? Ha! He said, and I quote, "Leaving tickets at will call.
Still trying to get you backstage passes.
" The balls on this guy.
Ugh.
- I shouldn't have looked.
- Why would you look? But on the plus side, backstage passes.
You guys got to find a babysitter! Oh.
Oh, yeah.
About that And I brought my boys with me Say what up to TyTy You found a sitter? We're interviewing her in, like, 20 minutes.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, wait, wait.
Tracy hasn't met her yet? No, no.
But she's agreed to keep an open mind.
The same way she agreed to keep an open mind about your bachelor party? We ended up going bowling and painting plates.
I'm telling you, Tracy is committed to seeing Jay Z.
All right.
And I brought my boys with me [singing along.]
Say what up to TyTy Still sipping Mai Tais Sitting courtside Knicks and Nets give me high five - Ni - No, no! - No! - No what? No! No! Okay, okay, I get it.
I can't say that word.
You cannot.
But I can't sing it? You cannot.
Mitch, it's it's just not a word that you have access to.
You should hear me do it because I don't pronounce the R.
You better not pronounce the R.
What if I hum it? Sort of sort of like "N" Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah-bah.
No, no.
Why don't why don't you just do the Alicia Keys part? Alicia Keys part? Yeah.
I don't know if I'm pretty enough.
Hey you are plenty pretty.
Boop.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this.
- Let's go! Top down, baby! Let's go for it! The world is your stage! Whoo! [high-pitched voice.]
In New York Concrete jungle where dreams are made of There's nothing you can't do I think what you're doing here is actually more offensive.
Now you're in New York These streets will make you feel brand-new Yes, I get pedicures.
Every man should.
Hey, Sadie! Hey, Uncle Russell.
Daddy, I have a rash.
Oh, no, Sweetie.
Where's your rash? On my "bagina.
" Oh.
Trace? Our daughter asked a specific question, so I'm gonna use the correct terminology.
Makes sense to me.
They grow up so fast.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Babe, grab that tiara and those plastic heels, please.
- All right.
- Oh, that's right.
I heard we're circling a new sitter.
She seemed nice on the phone.
We'll see.
Sounds like our favorite litigator is ready for cross-examination.
Objection.
I am in mom mode right now.
Yeah, but, Trace, remember how we talked about keeping an open mind.
Right.
Open mind.
- Glass half full.
Don't forget the code.
- The code? If Tracy feels there's no way we're hiring the person, she gives me a code.
"Did you defrost the chicken?" So we can cut the interview short.
Why waste our time if it's not gonna happen? It's all part of our open mind.
[doorbell rings.]
Hey, guys, is a half-naked daughter the first impression you're looking to make? Good catch.
Okay, I'll get the door.
You get her dressed.
Buttons, babe.
If it has a zipper, it's as good as off.
Daddy, do you have a "bagina"? And I'm getting the door.
Yep.
- All right? - Yeah.
Okay.
All right, everybody, we need this.
Hi.
I'm Kimberly.
Hey, Trace, don't forget to defrost the chicken! Yeah.
I learned CPR when I was a lifeguard.
I practically lived in my bathing suit.
Oh, don't you just love how soft these are? We don't have a pool.
The whole lifeguard thing It's just not relevant.
Well, Kimberly, you seem great.
Yeah, but we've been meeting with a lot of potential babysitters.
Who have all been horrendous - Yeah.
- Till you.
Wait.
What's happening? I know that this is last-minute, but can you come back and babysit tonight? - Yeah.
Totally.
- Great! - Great! - Come on.
Great.
Mitch, your wife signed off on the hot babysitter.
What's the problem? She's hot! The real problem is how you're saying it.
Say it like this.
"She is hot!" Russell, I'm a white guy Yes.
Who's married to a woman who's ethnically ambiguous.
What is she? If we hire a babysitter who's also ethnically ambiguous, it's gonna look like I have a thing.
But don't you have a thing? Okay, this is this is exactly why we can't hire her.
- Because you do have a thing.
- Whether or not I have a thing.
And my gut tells me that you do.
All right.
The first rule of marriage is the best boobs in the house should belong to Tracy.
Hey, Tracy.
Tracy's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you guys talking about? Marriage and just how great it is.
Isn't spooning the best? Liar.
What are you really talking about? Actually, we were just talking about Kimberly.
You know, she's kind of Delicious? Totally.
I trust you.
Oh, I trust me too.
I trust me not to put myself in these situations.
Were you planning on sleeping with her? - No! - Of course not.
So what's happening here is you're making a problem where one doesn't exist.
- Oh, that's his jam.
- [car alarm beeps.]
Mitch, you're being crazy.
Oh, what'd he do Yell at another cop for texting and driving? No, worse.
We found a great babysitter.
Kimberly is fantastic.
In fact, we're already Facebook friends, and she friended me, which never happens.
I mean, not never.
You know, I'm cool - In fact - Stay on topic.
Right.
But this one doesn't want us hiring her because she's hot.
Don't hire that girl.
- Thank you! - What? It's the same reason I put my camera in the safe when I'm in a hotel.
I totally trust the maid, but why create a problem? And by "camera," she means "potato chips.
" That's right, Princess.
I trust Mitch.
I just don't trust this Kimberly girl.
[cell phone chimes.]
Everything okay with the tickets? Yeah.
He wasn't texting me about the tickets.
This pretend tea party is about to get real.
Well, then what was he texting you about? Nothing.
Idris Elba is gonna be on "Fallon" tonight, and he knows I have a thing for him.
Idris Elba.
- I don't know who that is.
- [doorbell rings.]
Oh, sweetie, I'm gonna show you some Google images that are gonna change your life.
That is if that's okay with you.
I'm cool with Idris.
She never went to St.
Barts with him.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Sorry to interrupt high tea.
Oh, well, there's actually no tea in it at all.
It's totally pretend.
I think she figured it out.
Wait.
Is everything okay? Tell me we're still on for tonight.
Absolutely.
I just left my books here, and I need to return them to the library.
Did you hear that? Even I have overdue library books.
You look familiar.
You ever been to the Laugh Factory? No.
That's just his way of telling you he does stand-up.
I'm exceptional onstage.
You never told me when you want me.
Oh, my God, what? Oh, uh 7:00.
Yeah, 7:00's good.
Yeah, let's go with 7:00.
And you have the address 'cause Yeah.
It's right here.
Mitch, you're adorable.
And by "adorable," I mean "harmless.
" And by "harmless," I mean you pose no physical threat to women.
Hire that girl.
Thank you.
I'm going out.
Mama is going out! I'm going out! To a different zip code, hey! Hey! We're going out.
We got a sitter.
We're getting our lives back.
You guys were right.
I mean, Kimberly is great.
Little hiccup.
I realize why she looks familiar.
Your babysitter does porn.
- What? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Pretty sure I've seen her "bagina.
" Wait.
So whose wife are we hiding from? All of them.
All of the wives! I have to be absolutely sure that you saw our babysitter doing porn before I destroy her reputation with Tracy.
I can't remember exactly which clip it was.
Just put "Kimberly, babysitter" in the search bar.
First of all, I doubt she performs under the name Kimberly.
And second of all, if I put "babysitter" into the search bar, we're gonna be here for, like, four days.
We don't have four days.
We have 90 minutes until the concert starts.
I still need to take a shower.
I have no idea what I'm gonna wear.
- Jeans and a button-down.
- But am I tucking? Just I'm working.
[keys clacking.]
"Amateur.
"Interracial.
Orgy.
" Here it is.
[sultry music plays.]
That's not her.
That's not her.
Don't celebrate just yet, cowboy.
Did you not hear me type "orgy"? Yeah.
- Wow.
Look at that.
- What, what? That staircase really opens up the house.
Are you fast forward.
You know, there's a nicer way to do that.
Did somebody order pizza? [chuckles.]
Pizza delivery, really? Ten bucks says when he opens up that pizza box, there's gonna be a - That's her.
That's her.
- Is it? I think I think so.
- It's hard to tell.
- Yeah.
You only see her face for, like, three seconds.
Can you freeze it on her? What is she playing, pleasure or pain? It's like she's sneezing while getting her finger slammed in a car door.
- Yeah.
Play it again.
- Wait.
One second.
You got to check out this one girl first.
Please, just go back! You know, Mitch, sometimes, you can be real uptight.
That is so not true.
Then why are you wearing a seat belt? I have to tell Tracy.
The thing is, you don't.
Don't I have a responsibility to disclose what I know to my wife? You have responsibility to be a good husband.
For the last month and a half, your wife hasn't been saying, "Mitch, be honest with me.
" What she has been saying is, "Get me out of this house!" Forget honesty.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I having dinner last night with a different black friend who made the same pro-honesty argument to his wife? No.
It was me.
I'm your only black friend.
Only because you get jealous.
Otherwise, I might be friends with Marcus.
Oh, damn, I said it.
Look, what if it is Kimberly in that video? Does that mean that she can't be a good babysitter? I mean, from what we've seen, she is pretty good at multitasking.
So you do think it's her? No! I don't know.
Why? You want to watch it again? Tonight's gonna be great, man.
Don't wreck it.
How often do you get backstage passes to Jay Z? - Marcus came through? - Yeah, he's super great.
Look at the butterfly.
Wait.
Didn't the other girl have a tattoo on the inside of her arm? - That was a pepperoni.
- Oh, damn it.
We get it, guys.
She's a hot babysitter.
- Move on.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
You look fantastic! I know.
I do.
I do! 'Cause I'm going out.
Mama's going out! Unless you think we should reconsider.
Too late.
Popped the tags.
This dress is going out with or without me.
Oh, you heard the woman.
We are wheels up in 60 seconds! - "Wheels up"? - You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm working under here.
What the hell is going on? Nothing.
Don't lie to me, husband.
Fine.
Mitchell thinks that he may have seen Kimberly in an adult film.
That girl was in a porno? All right, sweetie.
Look, Mommy and Daddy are leaving, okay? You can watch one video.
Kimberly, can you just make sure it's something appropriate? - You know, I just - 45 seconds! Do we know for a fact this girl moonlights? We do not.
Well, if you see something, say something, but if you just think it's something, shut the hell up.
My girl T needs this night out.
And I left money in case you want to have pizza delivered.
Oh, my God.
What's this? Jay Z's opening act is John Mayer! What? We better stop talking and leave.
Oh, and don't let any strangers in the house.
Or people you do know.
[sneezes.]
[sultry jazz music.]
[upbeat music.]
- We're going out! - Finally! - Here we come, Jay Z! - Our sitter does porn! [tires screech.]
Possibly.
Your sitter possibly does porn.
Going out.
Did somebody order pizza? - No.
- Yep, it's her! She's totally got Kimberly's vaguely Asian cheekbones.
No, this girl's got some black in her.
Oh, you better believe Don't say it.
If only we had a photo of her.
Oh, that's it! We're Facebook friends.
Oh, yeah.
Hurry.
If it's not her, we can still get there by 8:15.
They never start on time.
Who, black people? No, concerts.
God, no.
Mitch, your white guilt amuses me.
Okay.
She's got photos up from Christmas, a trip to Mount Rushmore.
See? People go to that.
Ooh, Six Flags, Six Flags.
Oh, click on that video of her on the log ride.
How ironic is that? Oh, my God! Side-by-side.
- One, two - Three.
Did somebody order pizza? Oh, my God.
Tough call.
What are you guys doing? - Oh, hey, Pumpkin! - Hi, sweetie! Why are you sitting in the driveway watching videos of me? You guys are sick! Kimberly, wait! Oh, I already popped the tags.
When she said, "Why are you watching videos of me," was she talking about the log ride one or the other one? Did she storm off because she was offended? Or because she got caught.
Guys, the point is we don't have a sitter.
Did she say "video" or "videos"? And here's the big ethical question.
How much of this do we mention to the Goldmans? Hmm.
It is the Goldmans, right? I've been calling them the Goldfeins.
Again, we're sorry.
Dude, no problem.
You know, Kanye's coming next month.
I'll just have Angie text Marcus, see if he can hook us up.
Wait.
Now you're okay with Angie texting Marcus? Turns out Marcus has a fiancée.
And you wouldn't cheat on her for Rihanna.
- Yo, you seeing this? - Yeah.
It's your fake Chinese accent girl.
Yeah, Idris was on "Fallon.
" He's so hot.
What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you? Keep it close.
[laughter.]
- Did she just - Yep.
- You want me to say something? - I do not.
I go kitchen, get your order.
Perfect.
Thanks.
Boom.
What'd I tell ya? I'm not buying the accent.
What's to buy? Russell, most people who work in a Chinese restaurant have an accent.
But not all of them do, and yet all of them do.
You think that she's faking the accent so the orange chicken tastes better? I'm just saying being Asian and faking an Asian accent She's "Uncle Tom yumming" it.
Wow.
I don't think we're allowed to talk about these things.
I know I'm not.
But I can.
Watch this.
Oh, God.
Here you go.
Enjoy.
Syeh-syeh.
You see that, Mitch? I just said "thank you" in Chinese, and she looked at me blankly.
Yeah, I think the look was, "Why is this black dude speaking Chinese?" Are you really upset about this, or is this a bit for your stand-up? Are you asking me if I can turn all of this off? I cannot.
It's the black Porsche.
Thanks, bro.
- [laughs.]
- [cell phone vibrates.]
I'm getting a text.
It tickles.
Dope! My beautiful bride just scored us four tickets to Jay Z.
- Oh, sweet! - Me, Angie, you, Tracy.
- Tracy's gonna love this.
- Dude, tomorrow night? Oh, what? This sucks.
You and Tracy still don't have a new sitter.
It's been two months! The only person Tracy will sign off on is her mom.
Ooh.
And the search continues.
You got to say something.
I'm not wasting my breath, Mitch.
It's a valet stand, not Selma.
- Then I'm saying something.
- No, no.
I'm your best man.
That did not end at your wedding.
I'm your best man everywhere we go.
I should've made my brother my best man.
Hey.
Hey, Professor.
You're not teaching your ethics class right now.
Oh, yes, I am.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hello.
This is not my car.
This is his car.
Okay.
My car is a PT Cruiser A convertible PT Cruiser.
Which is why we took my car.
Hurtful.
The point is that this Porsche or "Porscha" I don't even know how to pronounce it.
Both: "Porscha.
" - See? This car is his, and I think that you assumed it was mine because you don't think a black man can afford a fancy automobile.
Well, actually, I thought it was yours because there's a John Mayer CD playing.
Yeah, that's my CD.
We done here, Reverend Sharpton? We are.
You know, you're exhausting.
- I really am.
- Mm-hmm.
Don't look now I said don't look now 'Cause here we are Guys, why don't we just do dinner at your place? We live 30 feet away from you.
Because I needed a night out, and 30 feet is within range of Sadie's old baby monitor.
Oh, at least it's supposed to be.
Come on! You haven't been blessed with a sweet angelic four-year-old.
We want to die.
Remind me in the morning to get an estimate on a vasectomy.
Well, I'm a doctor.
I'll do it for free right now.
[laughter.]
Tracy hasn't had a real night out in 45 days.
46! Unbelievable.
I can FaceTime my grandmother in the Philippines.
I can't get a clear picture of my daughter right next door.
This stupid piece of Oh, my angel.
Oh, babe.
Okay.
Thank you, Lord, for this food and our friends.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Amen.
Ange, I noticed you eyeing the Moo Shu.
You want to put down that cup of algae and maybe get in on this? I desperately do, but I've only got 36 hours left of my cleanse, and mama's got to look good in her dress tomorrow night.
But Daddy likes that booty the way it is.
Oh, man.
They're gonna have sex and watch "House of Cards.
" Ange, how'd you score Jay Z tickets anyway? I asked everyone at my firm, and no one could hook me up.
Ange got the Head of Pediatrics to pull a favor.
Those doctors are nothing without their residents.
Oh, well, actually, Dr.
Kessman couldn't come through, so I asked Marcus.
What? Marcus? Who's Marcus? Marcus and I kind of went out for a while.
You dated for two years right before we started dating.
- On and off.
- You lived together.
We didn't live together.
I had my own apartment.
- You're talking to me, not your dad.
- Am I? I was just unaware that you two were still communicating.
- I mean, have you seen him? - No.
We just text sometimes.
What kind of texts? You know, like, "Can you hook me and my husband and our friends up with four tickets to Jay Z?" All I heard was "hook up.
" Screw it.
Pass me them ribs.
Oh, babe, that concert's tomorrow night.
We have 24 hours to either find a sitter or get Sadie way into Jay Z.
[baby fussing.]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Where is that stupid - They had another baby? They're just gonna keep trying until they have a boy.
Just play catch with your daughters! Shh, shh.
Doesn't it feel like every time they come home, it's from the hospital? I bet they have an amazing sitter.
- Mitch.
- Excuse me a sec.
- No, no.
- Yes, yes! I'm just gonna ask 'em, Jew to Jew.
M'lady needs a night out.
Look, as badly as I want one, I can't steal another mother's babysitter, can I? No.
I can't, I can't.
It's a sacred rule.
We're not breaking any rules.
The concert is tomorrow night, Friday night, the Sabbath.
They don't go out on Friday nights.
Isn't saying "they" offensive? It would be if I were talking about all orthodox Jewish people, who, for religious reasons, don't go out on Friday nights, but I'm not talking about all orthodox Jewish people.
I am talking about the Goldsteins.
The Goldmans.
Okay.
Well, that was offensive.
Okay.
I want to apologize for my behavior earlier.
I guess I misunderstood.
I thought when we got married, we were gonna stop dating other people.
Babe, I didn't mention Marcus because I didn't think it was a big deal.
You won.
You got me.
You got all of this.
Come here.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
You give me a two-minute head start, then join me.
Hmm.
That is if you're still up for it.
Oh, I'm still up for it, yeah.
Hey, but this time, we're going till the water gets cold, hello.
Hello.
Mm.
[cell phone chimes.]
Marcus, my man, you are really wrecking the mood, bro.
[in tune of "Hava Nagila".]
I got the number I got the number I got the number We're going out Friday night Both: Yay! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
- Signal, signal.
- Oh, yeah.
What you doing? Huh? No, I wasn't.
Were you looking through my text? I-I thought that was my phone.
You thought your phone was the one with the pink case? And now I see that it is not.
[scoffs.]
You know what? Look, we have no secrets.
No.
I trust you.
Do you? I'm gonna leave my phone right here, and while I'm gone, you feel free to take a look.
Boop.
- So did you look? - Of course I looked! - You had to look! - I had to look.
I mean, if I can figure out your password in four tries, you're basically telling me to look.
She is telling you to look.
So what did that dirt bag say? Ha! He said, and I quote, "Leaving tickets at will call.
Still trying to get you backstage passes.
" The balls on this guy.
Ugh.
- I shouldn't have looked.
- Why would you look? But on the plus side, backstage passes.
You guys got to find a babysitter! Oh.
Oh, yeah.
About that And I brought my boys with me Say what up to TyTy You found a sitter? We're interviewing her in, like, 20 minutes.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, wait, wait.
Tracy hasn't met her yet? No, no.
But she's agreed to keep an open mind.
The same way she agreed to keep an open mind about your bachelor party? We ended up going bowling and painting plates.
I'm telling you, Tracy is committed to seeing Jay Z.
All right.
And I brought my boys with me [singing along.]
Say what up to TyTy Still sipping Mai Tais Sitting courtside Knicks and Nets give me high five - Ni - No, no! - No! - No what? No! No! Okay, okay, I get it.
I can't say that word.
You cannot.
But I can't sing it? You cannot.
Mitch, it's it's just not a word that you have access to.
You should hear me do it because I don't pronounce the R.
You better not pronounce the R.
What if I hum it? Sort of sort of like "N" Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah-bah.
No, no.
Why don't why don't you just do the Alicia Keys part? Alicia Keys part? Yeah.
I don't know if I'm pretty enough.
Hey you are plenty pretty.
Boop.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this.
- Let's go! Top down, baby! Let's go for it! The world is your stage! Whoo! [high-pitched voice.]
In New York Concrete jungle where dreams are made of There's nothing you can't do I think what you're doing here is actually more offensive.
Now you're in New York These streets will make you feel brand-new Yes, I get pedicures.
Every man should.
Hey, Sadie! Hey, Uncle Russell.
Daddy, I have a rash.
Oh, no, Sweetie.
Where's your rash? On my "bagina.
" Oh.
Trace? Our daughter asked a specific question, so I'm gonna use the correct terminology.
Makes sense to me.
They grow up so fast.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Babe, grab that tiara and those plastic heels, please.
- All right.
- Oh, that's right.
I heard we're circling a new sitter.
She seemed nice on the phone.
We'll see.
Sounds like our favorite litigator is ready for cross-examination.
Objection.
I am in mom mode right now.
Yeah, but, Trace, remember how we talked about keeping an open mind.
Right.
Open mind.
- Glass half full.
Don't forget the code.
- The code? If Tracy feels there's no way we're hiring the person, she gives me a code.
"Did you defrost the chicken?" So we can cut the interview short.
Why waste our time if it's not gonna happen? It's all part of our open mind.
[doorbell rings.]
Hey, guys, is a half-naked daughter the first impression you're looking to make? Good catch.
Okay, I'll get the door.
You get her dressed.
Buttons, babe.
If it has a zipper, it's as good as off.
Daddy, do you have a "bagina"? And I'm getting the door.
Yep.
- All right? - Yeah.
Okay.
All right, everybody, we need this.
Hi.
I'm Kimberly.
Hey, Trace, don't forget to defrost the chicken! Yeah.
I learned CPR when I was a lifeguard.
I practically lived in my bathing suit.
Oh, don't you just love how soft these are? We don't have a pool.
The whole lifeguard thing It's just not relevant.
Well, Kimberly, you seem great.
Yeah, but we've been meeting with a lot of potential babysitters.
Who have all been horrendous - Yeah.
- Till you.
Wait.
What's happening? I know that this is last-minute, but can you come back and babysit tonight? - Yeah.
Totally.
- Great! - Great! - Come on.
Great.
Mitch, your wife signed off on the hot babysitter.
What's the problem? She's hot! The real problem is how you're saying it.
Say it like this.
"She is hot!" Russell, I'm a white guy Yes.
Who's married to a woman who's ethnically ambiguous.
What is she? If we hire a babysitter who's also ethnically ambiguous, it's gonna look like I have a thing.
But don't you have a thing? Okay, this is this is exactly why we can't hire her.
- Because you do have a thing.
- Whether or not I have a thing.
And my gut tells me that you do.
All right.
The first rule of marriage is the best boobs in the house should belong to Tracy.
Hey, Tracy.
Tracy's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you guys talking about? Marriage and just how great it is.
Isn't spooning the best? Liar.
What are you really talking about? Actually, we were just talking about Kimberly.
You know, she's kind of Delicious? Totally.
I trust you.
Oh, I trust me too.
I trust me not to put myself in these situations.
Were you planning on sleeping with her? - No! - Of course not.
So what's happening here is you're making a problem where one doesn't exist.
- Oh, that's his jam.
- [car alarm beeps.]
Mitch, you're being crazy.
Oh, what'd he do Yell at another cop for texting and driving? No, worse.
We found a great babysitter.
Kimberly is fantastic.
In fact, we're already Facebook friends, and she friended me, which never happens.
I mean, not never.
You know, I'm cool - In fact - Stay on topic.
Right.
But this one doesn't want us hiring her because she's hot.
Don't hire that girl.
- Thank you! - What? It's the same reason I put my camera in the safe when I'm in a hotel.
I totally trust the maid, but why create a problem? And by "camera," she means "potato chips.
" That's right, Princess.
I trust Mitch.
I just don't trust this Kimberly girl.
[cell phone chimes.]
Everything okay with the tickets? Yeah.
He wasn't texting me about the tickets.
This pretend tea party is about to get real.
Well, then what was he texting you about? Nothing.
Idris Elba is gonna be on "Fallon" tonight, and he knows I have a thing for him.
Idris Elba.
- I don't know who that is.
- [doorbell rings.]
Oh, sweetie, I'm gonna show you some Google images that are gonna change your life.
That is if that's okay with you.
I'm cool with Idris.
She never went to St.
Barts with him.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Sorry to interrupt high tea.
Oh, well, there's actually no tea in it at all.
It's totally pretend.
I think she figured it out.
Wait.
Is everything okay? Tell me we're still on for tonight.
Absolutely.
I just left my books here, and I need to return them to the library.
Did you hear that? Even I have overdue library books.
You look familiar.
You ever been to the Laugh Factory? No.
That's just his way of telling you he does stand-up.
I'm exceptional onstage.
You never told me when you want me.
Oh, my God, what? Oh, uh 7:00.
Yeah, 7:00's good.
Yeah, let's go with 7:00.
And you have the address 'cause Yeah.
It's right here.
Mitch, you're adorable.
And by "adorable," I mean "harmless.
" And by "harmless," I mean you pose no physical threat to women.
Hire that girl.
Thank you.
I'm going out.
Mama is going out! I'm going out! To a different zip code, hey! Hey! We're going out.
We got a sitter.
We're getting our lives back.
You guys were right.
I mean, Kimberly is great.
Little hiccup.
I realize why she looks familiar.
Your babysitter does porn.
- What? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Pretty sure I've seen her "bagina.
" Wait.
So whose wife are we hiding from? All of them.
All of the wives! I have to be absolutely sure that you saw our babysitter doing porn before I destroy her reputation with Tracy.
I can't remember exactly which clip it was.
Just put "Kimberly, babysitter" in the search bar.
First of all, I doubt she performs under the name Kimberly.
And second of all, if I put "babysitter" into the search bar, we're gonna be here for, like, four days.
We don't have four days.
We have 90 minutes until the concert starts.
I still need to take a shower.
I have no idea what I'm gonna wear.
- Jeans and a button-down.
- But am I tucking? Just I'm working.
[keys clacking.]
"Amateur.
"Interracial.
Orgy.
" Here it is.
[sultry music plays.]
That's not her.
That's not her.
Don't celebrate just yet, cowboy.
Did you not hear me type "orgy"? Yeah.
- Wow.
Look at that.
- What, what? That staircase really opens up the house.
Are you fast forward.
You know, there's a nicer way to do that.
Did somebody order pizza? [chuckles.]
Pizza delivery, really? Ten bucks says when he opens up that pizza box, there's gonna be a - That's her.
That's her.
- Is it? I think I think so.
- It's hard to tell.
- Yeah.
You only see her face for, like, three seconds.
Can you freeze it on her? What is she playing, pleasure or pain? It's like she's sneezing while getting her finger slammed in a car door.
- Yeah.
Play it again.
- Wait.
One second.
You got to check out this one girl first.
Please, just go back! You know, Mitch, sometimes, you can be real uptight.
That is so not true.
Then why are you wearing a seat belt? I have to tell Tracy.
The thing is, you don't.
Don't I have a responsibility to disclose what I know to my wife? You have responsibility to be a good husband.
For the last month and a half, your wife hasn't been saying, "Mitch, be honest with me.
" What she has been saying is, "Get me out of this house!" Forget honesty.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I having dinner last night with a different black friend who made the same pro-honesty argument to his wife? No.
It was me.
I'm your only black friend.
Only because you get jealous.
Otherwise, I might be friends with Marcus.
Oh, damn, I said it.
Look, what if it is Kimberly in that video? Does that mean that she can't be a good babysitter? I mean, from what we've seen, she is pretty good at multitasking.
So you do think it's her? No! I don't know.
Why? You want to watch it again? Tonight's gonna be great, man.
Don't wreck it.
How often do you get backstage passes to Jay Z? - Marcus came through? - Yeah, he's super great.
Look at the butterfly.
Wait.
Didn't the other girl have a tattoo on the inside of her arm? - That was a pepperoni.
- Oh, damn it.
We get it, guys.
She's a hot babysitter.
- Move on.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
You look fantastic! I know.
I do.
I do! 'Cause I'm going out.
Mama's going out! Unless you think we should reconsider.
Too late.
Popped the tags.
This dress is going out with or without me.
Oh, you heard the woman.
We are wheels up in 60 seconds! - "Wheels up"? - You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm working under here.
What the hell is going on? Nothing.
Don't lie to me, husband.
Fine.
Mitchell thinks that he may have seen Kimberly in an adult film.
That girl was in a porno? All right, sweetie.
Look, Mommy and Daddy are leaving, okay? You can watch one video.
Kimberly, can you just make sure it's something appropriate? - You know, I just - 45 seconds! Do we know for a fact this girl moonlights? We do not.
Well, if you see something, say something, but if you just think it's something, shut the hell up.
My girl T needs this night out.
And I left money in case you want to have pizza delivered.
Oh, my God.
What's this? Jay Z's opening act is John Mayer! What? We better stop talking and leave.
Oh, and don't let any strangers in the house.
Or people you do know.
[sneezes.]
[sultry jazz music.]
[upbeat music.]
- We're going out! - Finally! - Here we come, Jay Z! - Our sitter does porn! [tires screech.]
Possibly.
Your sitter possibly does porn.
Going out.
Did somebody order pizza? - No.
- Yep, it's her! She's totally got Kimberly's vaguely Asian cheekbones.
No, this girl's got some black in her.
Oh, you better believe Don't say it.
If only we had a photo of her.
Oh, that's it! We're Facebook friends.
Oh, yeah.
Hurry.
If it's not her, we can still get there by 8:15.
They never start on time.
Who, black people? No, concerts.
God, no.
Mitch, your white guilt amuses me.
Okay.
She's got photos up from Christmas, a trip to Mount Rushmore.
See? People go to that.
Ooh, Six Flags, Six Flags.
Oh, click on that video of her on the log ride.
How ironic is that? Oh, my God! Side-by-side.
- One, two - Three.
Did somebody order pizza? Oh, my God.
Tough call.
What are you guys doing? - Oh, hey, Pumpkin! - Hi, sweetie! Why are you sitting in the driveway watching videos of me? You guys are sick! Kimberly, wait! Oh, I already popped the tags.
When she said, "Why are you watching videos of me," was she talking about the log ride one or the other one? Did she storm off because she was offended? Or because she got caught.
Guys, the point is we don't have a sitter.
Did she say "video" or "videos"? And here's the big ethical question.
How much of this do we mention to the Goldmans? Hmm.
It is the Goldmans, right? I've been calling them the Goldfeins.
Again, we're sorry.
Dude, no problem.
You know, Kanye's coming next month.
I'll just have Angie text Marcus, see if he can hook us up.
Wait.
Now you're okay with Angie texting Marcus? Turns out Marcus has a fiancée.
And you wouldn't cheat on her for Rihanna.
- Yo, you seeing this? - Yeah.
It's your fake Chinese accent girl.
Yeah, Idris was on "Fallon.
" He's so hot.
What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you? Keep it close.
[laughter.]
- Did she just - Yep.
- You want me to say something? - I do not.