Trying (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

The Ex-Girlfriend

I'm cold.
How long now?
Shouldn't be too long.
Right, we should put my
family down as references
'cause your family hate me.
That's not true entirely.
I don't even really want to
put mine down, to be honest.
- Who do you want to put then?
- People who don't know us as well.
I thought this was just supposed
to be an initial registration form.
Yeah, but there's space
for additional info,
- so I thought I'd just really sell us.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, everyone exaggerates.
It's like a CV.
"I have a keen interest in
the economics of green energy".
- What? I do.
- Really?
- Yeah. I read a book about it.
- Which one? Which one was it?
- Okay, an article.
- Right.
- All right, fine, a tweet.
- "I'm a proficient cellist"
They're not gonna have a cello in
their office to check, are they?
" and have played volleyball
to a county standard".
- Oh, God. Oh, God.
- What?
We have to list past relationships.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- Dunno. Suppose they just have to check.
- What are they checking for?
- Dunno, just check.
- They're being thorough.
- Seems a bit excessive, don't it?
Yeah, but the exes know
secrets, don't they?
Okay, if you wanna flick
to the back of your books,
you'll find, um, a good
list of irregular verbs.
All right?
Okay, what have you got?
- Thanks for the class.
- No worries. Yeah.
- I enjoy it.
- "Enjoyed". "I enjoyed it".
I mean, we literally just
did half an hour on that.
- Oh. I got it.
- Yeah.
- So I enjoyed it.
- You enjoyed it. Good.
- Yeah. See you.
- All right, have a good one.
Did I tell you I found her
having lunch in the greenhouse?
She said it was warm. Made her
feel like she was on holiday.
You don't think she's
getting Alzheimer's, do you?
No, Karen, I think she's
always been like that.
Don't know what I'd talk to Dad
about for the next 20 years.
How's Scott?
Oh, fine.
Has he got a job at all or
Well, it's 11:30, and he's
called me five times now.
On the plus side,
I haven't missed a parcel
delivery in months.
Did you tell him about
the vacancy at my place?
He didn't want to work in a call center.
He says he hasn't completely given up.
Okay. Right.
Well, who's paying the rent then?
- It's just temporary.
- Okay.
Just as long as you feel
empowered as a person.
You know, just be able
to voice your needs
- as well as thinking about
- Okay. No, no, no.
You're talking like an American again.
You know I hate it when you do that.
- Don't mention anything when you see him.
- No, I won't.
He says he's invented
a new type of cereal.
So, you know, maybe
something will come of that.
- Yeah.
- Hey, move over.
Karen, why do you always have
to walk on the water side?
Because I'm the oldest.
Oh, I didn't tell you:
Scott's coming tonight.
Why can't my sister attract nice men?
She's nice and clever.
She's cleverer than me, and I have you.
You listening?
Yeah. What's tonight?
Dinner. Karen. You're coming.
No, do not bail on me. I'm not
dealing with him on my own.
- He's all right.
- He is not all right.
He's a snob who thinks
he's better than we are.
He doesn't even have a TV.
And he's so proud of that,
as if it's an achievement.
He's a pretentious prick
in a polo neck. It
- Are you listening?
- Yeah.
Bet he owns a bloody record player.
Yeah, well.
- No, we're gonna pay with cash.
- Why?
They can check our bank accounts.
They can see everything we do.
- Who can?
- Adoption people.
Things like alcohol, cigarettes,
we pay cash. No paper trail.
Bloody hell. Should we get
some burner phones as well?
- Do you have any ID?
- Yeah.
Tell me, you're being serious, yeah?
Well, you need ID for alcohol.
Look at my face.
No, I'm sorry, I need proof.
My face is proof.
Thank you.
What's the matter with you today?
We need stuff that makes us look good.
We should donate to a charity.
- Then we can say we've donated to charity.
- Which one?
Um, maybe a children's one?
- Or is that a bit too obvious? Yeah.
- Bit obvious.
- What about animals?
- Oh, God, no.
Only awful people donate
to animal charities.
- Help the Aged?
- Yeah, I like that.
That says we're good people but
not in a "look at me" kind of way.
I'll do it now.
No, but don't give too much
that it makes them suspicious.
Like we've been bad to an old
person, and now we feel guilty.
Oh, we should join the National Trust.
That suggests an air of, um,
calmness and dependability.
- Yeah. I like that.
- Yeah.
We're now fully catfishing
social services.
No, we shouldn't think of this
form as a record of who we are,
- but a picture of who we're gonna be.
- Mm.
This is an aspirational form.
- Very aspirational.
- It's fine.
As long as we're these people by
the time they meet us, it's all good.
Oh! Oh!
We should make a list of all the
flaws that we want to iron out.
Honestly, Jase, I am
so impressed with us.
I think we're gonna be amazing parents.
Okay, this is good.
- I'm feeling positive.
- Absolutely. Yeah.
- You drink too much.
- What? That's
You think I've got a problem?
It takes me two trips to
take the recycling out.
Every parent I know drinks a lot.
Maybe when we get the
kid, get back on the drink.
But perhaps while we're being
assessed, just lay off it a little.
- Yeah? All right.
- Okay.
- "Sometimes occasionally
- Mm.
drinks a bit too much?"
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Well, you should stop smoking.
There'll be a medical, and,
you know, you're older.
- I'm three years older than you.
- You should know better, then,
- shouldn't you?
- All right, fine. I'll stop.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's not something I'm addicted
to. It's just something I do.
Yeah, okay.
- Also, I think that
- Mm.
you need to work on your anger.
My anger?
My anger's fine, maybe.
Okay. "Look at my face.
My face is proof".
- That was nothing.
- Yeah, to you, Jase.
You've got You've
got an angry energy.
What are you talking
about, "angry energy"?
- Fine, put it down. Yeah.
- "Angry energy".
Okay, what else?
- No, go on.
- Nah, nothing.
- It's all right. You can say.
- Okay.
All right.
Now, I want you to breathe.
I think that you need to
get stronger emotionally.
- See?
- I am strong. I am really strong.
The last year's taken
its toll, hasn't it?
I just think you need to build
up a little bit more resilience.
- That's all I'm saying.
- You don't think I'm resilient?
Last week, you cried because you
saw a duck on its own in a pond.
Yeah, because I'm a human with a heart.
Just a little bit stronger,
that's all I'm saying.
- I don't want to turn into a sociopath.
- A little more resilient.
Yeah? Kids can put a lot of
pressure on people, can't they?
Okay, well, that is true.
- You know, I was talking to Erica.
- Yeah.
- And she told me that her and Freddy,
- Uh-huh.
they haven't had sex for six months.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- She said it's just gone cold.
- God.
I think he was freaked
out by the pregnancy.
- Shit.
- Hayley and Dan are the same.
- No.
- Yeah.
Christ, six months.
- Do you wanna know something really awful?
- What? Go on.
I think our friends' marriage
problems makes me horny.
- That's bad, isn't it?
- I mean, it's niche, yeah.
Well done. All right then. Let's
get this in the postbox, shall we?
- Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Wait for what? What now?
Right, if you apply it
directly, it's too much.
- So you spray
- Yeah?
and walk away.
- Come on!
- Aye.
- Okay. Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let it go.
- No, you let it go. There.
Being unemployed has just been
incredibly freeing, you know?
I have so much more energy now
for life, philosophy, art, museums.
Oh, we're going to a great multimedia
exhibition if you want to come.
Oh, no. I never really
understand that stuff.
It's not about understanding, is it?
It's about how it makes you feel.
Well, it makes me feel stupid.
No, don't say don't
I hate it when people say that.
You can't survive culturally on
Britain's Got Talent and Love Island.
You should come to one
of my dinner parties.
I style them as a sort of
modern-day salon littéraire.
Oh, God.
Yeah. Yeah, great, yeah.
All right, so, dinner parties:
Anyone living or dead,
who would you have?
Probably my father.
There were a lot of things left unsaid.
So, where's Jason?
Yeah, sorry. He had to take a class.
He only told me last minute.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
Couldn't have thought of
somewhere new for us to meet?
Evidently, no.
So, why am I here?
Then one of my year ten netball
girls throws a ball at my head.
Cut my lip open. Tells
me I'm a shit coach.
I said, "Well, you hit me, so I
must be doing something right".
I don't know how you
both do it, you know?
Every day, eight hours, week after week.
How is the job search going?
Yeah, nothing really, uh,
feels quite right at the moment,
- you know?
- Huh.
I'm really about life
balance, and, um
I don't know, juggling work
and a social life, it's, uh,
well, it's hard.
His friend said he could
get him in at his bank.
City, not High Street. He
went and talked to them.
Mm. Yeah, I wanted to see if I
could really care about money,
- like, on a fundamental level?
- Mm.
Um, but, you know,
turns out I just can't.
Right, and then the hospital
thing, that wasn't
I feel like hospital administration
is maybe a bit of a bubble.
- Hmm.
- For me, it's really
it's just about finding
something meaningful in my life.
Well, she teaches children to read.
She does, yeah. But I mean,
like, on a more macro level.
It's nice that you have a
girlfriend who will support you
while you figure stuff out.
Ah. Yeah, well
I think if she forced me to do something
that I didn't really
love, I would just
end up resenting her for it.
- So, shall we order?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Don't worry, I know this place.
¡Chica! Yeah, you. Mm.
You know this is tapas.
They spit in your food,
they spit in all our food.
Okay. So, um
Right. We're, um, we're adopting.
Well, w-we're trying to adopt.
And, um, later on, we're gonna
need references from ex-partners.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
And they're gonna be quite thorough.
And if you put a foot wrong, then, uh,
they can reject you, so
And you're worried that I hate
you and will ruin your life.
Basically, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, well, um, I'll talk to them, yeah.
Okay, great.
- Yeah.
- Great. Amazing.
I can tell them about
your toxic masculinity
and how unavailable
you were emotionally.
I'm not sure it's fair to criticize
me with phrases that didn't exist
when we were going out, but
Oh, you'd rather I
say you're dependable,
reliable, like an all-round great guy?
- Right, ideally, yes.
- Okay, sure.
All right.
- So, you want me to lie?
- No, I'm not asking you to lie.
- No, no one's lying.
- No one's lying? Really?
You're gonna tell them
how you two got together?
- I know I could have handled it better.
- Does she know?
Yeah, she knows that
there was a bit of an overlap.
- Yeah.
- Shall we start calling it an affair?
A bit y-young for that,
weren't we? I mean, it was
Adults have affairs. It
was a ten-day overlap.
It was a ten-day affair.
I suppose I just thought it was over
a long time before it was over.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Come on.
It was a six-month relationship
which lasted for three years
because neither of us had
the guts to end it, all right?
You checked out way before I met Nikki.
I checked out to protect myself,
because I knew you'd screw me over.
Well, that was never my intention.
Well, that's what happened.
I've changed, all right?
No, no. You haven't changed. No.
You're gonna mess this
one up like you always do.
You can't smoke in here. It's not 2006.
Bloody hell, she's doing it.
Peppers. Peppers here are sensational.
I mean, you wouldn't
feed them to your dog
in Barcelona, but, uh, for here
Muchas gracias.
Oh, God. Can't eat all of those.
- Well, I'll have yours.
- No, it's okay, I will.
I'm a woman. I just have to
say that when food arrives.
She's funny.
And funny women, they're
they're hard to find.
God, I'm starving.
Sorry, Karen. Just give me two seconds.
Um, okay, I just wanna say,
I think you've been pretty rude tonight.
I know you know lots of
things about lots of things,
but politeness costs nothing.
Which is actually lucky for you,
because you haven't had a
job in, like, six months.
So maybe just have a
little think about that,
and start treating my sister
with a bit more respect.
And by the way, you can't
juggle work and a social life.
That's two things. That's the
same number of things as hands.
That's not juggling, that's just
holding things in your hands.
- Enjoy. Have a nice night.
- Same to you.
You never answered my texts.
Well, there was a lot of them.
They were all in capitals.
Yeah, well, I was angry.
- You were always angry.
- I wonder why?
It was all my fault, yeah.
Well, I'm not angry at other people.
I'm sorry. You have to
go outside to do that.
- I am outside.
- You're inside.
- Yeah, but my mouth is outside.
- A lot of the smoke's coming
You know what? I really feel
like this is a gray area, so
- Right, then. See you soon.
- Okay.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
So, when are you gonna hear back?
We literally just posted
it, so I don't know.
They're gonna love you.
- You're brilliant.
- Oh.
- Karen, that's so
- Okay, I'll see you then.
- Bye.
- Oh, God. A baby. All right.
I am brilliant.
So, the Internet says that you're
in a relationship. Is that right?
Yeah, you know, I should
update that, 'cause, um
Oh! He put a ring on it?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Well, that's lovely. That's
really lovely. Lovely.
What are you, um, doing now?
- Still teaching English.
- At the language school?
Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. How long is this gap
year gonna last, Jason?
Does that make enough
money, though, for kids?
You know, we'll never be rich, but
Yeah, well, growing up rich ruins you.
All the men cry after sex
and all the women have
eating disorders, so
It's really nice to see you again, Jane.
Yeah, you too.
And I really have changed,
you know, honestly.
In fact, today Nikki and I made a list
of all the ways in which
we can improve ourselves.
And you know you, um,
always said that I should
get into mindfulness?
Well, today I downloaded this app
What? Jane! Where you going?
- Jane, wait! What?
- You! You!
You are a real dick.
- You know that?
- What? Why? Why?
Do you know how hard
it was to be with you,
- how impossible you were?
- I know, but I've just told you,
- I'm a different person now.
- Yeah, of course you are.
- You know, that's the worst part.
- I'm sorry. How's that?
You're a better person
because you practiced on me.
Yeah, but that wasn't my intention.
- That's just life, isn't it?
- Oh, great.
Well, I'm glad I was
able to sacrifice myself
in the name of your self-discovery.
You know, I'm glad it
wasn't all for nothing.
So, you'd rather I was the same
old idiot I always used to be?
Yes! Yes!
Oh, my God! That would
be so much better.
I know who that person was gonna be.
You know, some sad, old,
secretary-shagging letdown.
That would be fine. I'd
have dodged a bullet.
But this? This is so much worse.
But why?
Because this is what I wanted.
And it turns out that you
wanted what I wanted all along.
Just not with me.
Do you Do you know what
the most annoying thing is?
You've become the person
that you hated me for
telling you you could be.
I mean, what did you even like about me?
- Oh, my God, Jason. Think of one thing.
- I liked your strength.
I liked your
your spirit.
I liked your faith in people.
I liked your laugh. I liked
I liked how I could always tell
that you were gonna make a joke
'cause you got the same
little smile on your face.
I liked how "MMMbop" was the only
Hanson song that you didn't like.
I liked how you always said your
name when you answered your phone.
- It's polite.
- It's a mobile.
And I liked how you were
genuinely happy for other people.
I liked lots of things, lots of things.
And I'm really sorry
that you didn't know that.
Didn't even need that much, you know?
Just for you to hold my
hand every now and again.
I know. I know.
I have missed you.
I missed you as well.
You can relax. I'm not gonna
ruin your chance to have a kid.
I think you'd be a good dad.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Just, if you have a boy, Jason
just make sure he doesn't
grow up to be a dick.
Do my best.
Mm. Hello.
- All right?
- Yeah.
Now, why do you smell
like booze and cigarettes?
'Cause I met up with my ex, and
we spent the evening together.
You're funny.
- Have you seen the list?
- What list?
The list. You know, the one
with all of our issues on it.
- I don't know.
- I want to pin it to the fridge,
you know, to focus us.
Table, maybe?
No, I've looked on the
table. It's not there.
I mean, yeah, I definitely put it there.
- You put it there?
- Yeah.
It's just that's where I
picked up the form from.
Did you write the list
on the back of the form?
I mean, yeah.
It was It was thick.
I thought it was
You know, we've got so much bits
of paper spread around everywhere.
- Oh, my God.
- I like resting on loads of sheets.
It makes my handwriting neater.
- Shit!
- Shit! Shit! Shit!
Why didn't you check
what you were writing on?
I didn't think. Why did you post
a form with writing on the back?
I didn't see it. You distracted
me spraying stuff all over it.
We have sent an adoption agency a
list of all of our character flaws.
It's all right. We can
just deny it was us.
Jason, we literally signed
our names on the bottom of it!
I'm cold.
How long now?
Shouldn't be too long.
Bye. I'm off. Okay.
That's it.
Here we go. Up, yeah.
There now.
And all of the others
cancel out each other ♪
And it's always you left ♪
But you were my no
sleep cried for weeks ♪
Favourite ex ♪
- Now, let me do the talking.
- Okay.
Oh, shit.
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