Tuca & Bertie (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
The Sex Bugs
1 [theme song playing.]
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie - Tuca - And Bertie [both vocalize.]
[theme song ends.]
-[snoring.]
-[Bertie.]
"To whom it may concern" -Bleh! Too formal.
-What? "How's it hangin', Holland, ya bossy boy?" Whoa, too cool.
[yawns.]
Dear Bertie, what's happening? "Good sir, 'tis with a humble heart I admit-eth I've fallen ill this early morn" Ah! Too poetic.
Ugh! Why do I always write like this when I'm asking for a sick day? Now, how would I write if I was puking? -Oh, no! Are you-- Are you sick? -No.
Well, yes! I'm feeling jittery! Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the flu shot vaccine is only 65 percent effective this season.
-That one's tough.
-There's no floor to the universe.
Oh, sure.
Sure, sure.
And I have to give a big presentation at work today! There it is! Look, I know you've been under a lot of pressure since you got that promotion, but maybe you're just having one of your pre-panic attacks, you know? -Where you spin out over something small? -I don't do that! Um, it happens a few times a month.
Well, what if a snake crawls in my mouth, lays eggs, and baby snakes slither out of my mouth in the middle of a meeting? -That would be so embarrassing! -Is that a thing that can happen? It's only a matter of time.
You know, I also have a really stressful day ahead at my job, but sometimes all you need to do is show up.
-Ugh! -Ooh, I know what you need.
Oh-ho! You need the Worry Vacuum! Let me just plug this in right here.
[grunts.]
How about, "Hey, Holland.
Can't come in today.
Keep the coffee hot for me.
" Ha-ha! Wow, that is awful.
[Speckle imitating vacuum.]
The Worry Vac is sucking all of your anxiety away! [sighs.]
And now let's switch on the deep clean to root out the panic.
[imitating vacuum.]
-[both scream.]
-Shit! I mean, don't worry.
This is a job for the real vacuum.
-[vacuum humming.]
-Uh, this is making me feel worse.
-[knocking on wall.]
-[both gasp.]
-[burps.]
-[both sigh.]
[both.]
Tuca.
[music playing on TV.]
Quiet! You have to fly pretty high to get one over on Judge Sparrow.
I didn't spend an hour in hair and makeup to get my feathers ruffled! Yes! Get 'em, Judge Sparrow! Oh, hey! I didn't pay my cable bill and my acquaintance Ryan is on Bird Court.
Your friend who was hit by a car? Yup! But we just found out he punched the car first.
[car beeps.]
News flash: birds lay eggs, not bullshit! [eagle screeches.]
[laughs.]
Oh, hey.
You guys found the pastries I made last night.
Mm, Bertie, you're getting better and better at baking, I swear.
Yeah, these are really good! No.
I just whipped them up and they're perfect! I'm gonna go get dressed.
Don't talk about me while I'm gone! We never do! Yoinks! Why aren't you getting ready for work? Well, I'm actually kind of sick.
-[coughs.]
-Uh-huh.
I know you.
You're having one of your "I can't go outside because literally everything terrifies me and my body is holding my mind hostage" days.
Or as I like to call it, "A case of the Berties.
" You know, it's better if you just suck it up and-- Go to work.
I know.
No! Ditch it and hang with your pal Tuca! Work sucks! And that presentation sounds boring.
-How did you-- -I heard everything you said in your bedroom.
The walls here are super thin.
[grunts.]
[bees buzzing.]
-Oh, no! I made a bee hole! -Huh? I don't wanna go out.
Staying inside is the best thing for me today.
Listen.
You have to come with me to the store.
I have sex bugs! -[chuckles.]
Yeah, right.
-No, really.
Check it.
-[dance music playing.]
-[chanting.]
Sex bugs! Sex bugs! Sex bugs! -What? -They're trouser crickets, Bertie! Pests in my nest! Cooties in my culottes! -Please stop.
-Please help.
Why can't you just go get the lotion or whatever by yourself? You know me! I need you to keep me focused and on task.
It'll be a ten-minute trip, tops.
Like a Tuca ten or a real ten minutes? Just ten actual minutes, I promise! -Like a Tuca promise? -You've gotta come! If I try to find medicine by myself, who knows what I'll come back with! More sex bugs, probably.
Ew! Okay, fine! You know I can't say no to you.
Let me just finish this email to my boss.
Hey! "Me sick.
Cough.
Cough.
" Send.
-Tuca! -No time to argue.
It's sent.
Let's go! [electronic voice sings.]
Little bird, put your pants on Little bird, put your pants on Going outside No Yes! Going outside Wait a minute! Explain.
These make me feel safe.
Normally I'd say, "Girl, you look like you want someone to snack on your feet.
" But since you're anxious, I'll say nothing.
Thank you.
[vocalizing.]
-[Bertie squeals.]
-[Tuca laughs.]
[grunting.]
-Eek! Teens! -Out of the way, sprouts! We like your shoes.
Yeah.
You look like a baby.
So cool.
Was that sarcasm? No, we really like them.
Yeah, so cute.
Thank you.
Uh, the words you're saying are nice, but the way you say them makes them sound mean, so They're teenagers, Bertie.
-Everything they say is a lie.
-Eep! -Oh, my God.
Are we mean? -No way.
[burps.]
-Uh -Ugh! [groans.]
Why does it feel like everyone's staring at me? I better not run into anyone from work out here.
Why don't you just quit that job? Baking is your true calling.
Didn't that pastry guy give you his number? Yeah, but that's really more of a hobby, and I have a good job.
Plus, I just got a promotion.
And it's hard to start fresh with a new career at our age.
-I start a new career every week! -And I don't have a rich aunt to lean on.
Lean? [scoffs.]
I like to cannonball into that pool of unearned cash! Hey, short shorts.
Nice itching.
Beat it, Bruce! You mean for the third time today? Don't mind if I do.
-[laughing.]
-Was it Bruce? Did he give you the sex bugs? -It's okay if-- -No! You know I haven't had sex in six months.
But you know sex bugs can lay dormant for six months, 11 days, and eight hours, right? -How did you know that? -There's a billboard! Jeez, in that case, I could have gotten them from anyone! Those last 11 days and eight hours before my six-month dry spell were nasty! I was doing all kinds of screwing.
-Like this one time-- -Oh, no.
It's my boss! He knows I'm not sick! He knows you have sex bugs! [clears throat.]
-[gruffly.]
Hello? -Hello, Bertie! Just got your very brief email and wanted to check in.
Eep! [clears throat.]
Oh, thanks.
[coughs.]
Yeah, it's a pretty bad bug, and, uh [coughs.]
so sorry to miss the big presentation, but feel free to carry on without me.
We wouldn't dream of it.
You're a team leader now.
No one can take over your responsibilities.
Everything starts falling apart the second you're gone.
Hey, there.
Come to our next meeting.
-[Holland.]
What was that? -Oh, heh, that was the TV.
It's a show about a bird who plays hooky from work.
[quietly.]
Oh, God, why! "WTUS.
" -"Women Taking Up Space.
" -[woman.]
Wootus! -Take back the bench! Claim the chaise! -Shh! -[both.]
Are you shushing me? -No, I was [coughs.]
shushing the TV.
Ah! Got one of those new shushable flat screens, hmm? Nice.
[sighs.]
Anyhow, tomorrow's even better for the presentation.
The department heads from other branches will be visiting.
Not to mention the company videographer, several foreign investors, and a busload of troubled teens will be there to hang on your every word.
-Feel better! See you tomorrow! -[beeps.]
I'm good! I love takin' up space.
Spread on, sitster! I didn't know my new position would require so much public speaking.
Our Wootus meetings can help with that.
We also teach women to stand up for themselves and say, "No!" -Oh, no, thanks.
-Just take a flier! -Could I not? -Here you go! Oh, fine! Whatever you want.
-That was a test, and you failed.
-[screams.]
[flies buzzing.]
[woman over PA.]
Attention Fowl Foods shoppers! Our melons are not expired.
Organic fruit is supposed to give off a strong, biological fragrance.
The problem isn't our smelly melons, it's you.
-You said we'd be done in ten minutes! -The walk here doesn't count.
The timer doesn't start until we get to the store.
Duh.
Gah! Why is it so crowded in here today? Hey, relax! You're okay.
Here.
Smell this.
[sniffs and sighs.]
I love these candles.
They always have fun rando trivia printed on the labels.
Look.
"Bees have adapted to survive on pastries.
" -Thank you, candle! -[chuckles.]
That is rando! Wait, you're gonna use all of those? Tuca, you should read the directions first.
You could have a really bad reaction.
Nah, that's just your worry wart flapping its warty mouth again.
[mumbling.]
I'll be right back.
You just chill here.
Okay, but don't take too long because I really need to get back home ASAP.
-Here.
-[sniffs and sighs.]
It's okay.
[exhales.]
I'm fine.
I'm just standing here, learning some facts.
Candle facts.
-Eep! -[snorting.]
Wow, sweetie, you're really committing to this activity, huh? -How does that make you feel? -Shut up, Daddy! Somebody's getting another sticker on their Helpful Communication Map when we get home.
[whimpering.]
[panting.]
Almost up to 30,000 These people are wigging me out.
Juicing is not the same as blending! -Smoothies are juice! -Excuse me, could I just Well, I think we can all agree that juice isn't food.
-Fuck you! -Ow! [screams.]
[clerk.]
Hey! -[distorted.]
Smoothies.
-[distorted.]
Juicing! [distorted.]
Medic! What's taking Tuca so long? "Works in 12 hours.
" Hmm, extra strength, so if I put them together, they'll work twice as good.
Medicine math! -[woman.]
Juice! -[man.]
Smoothies! -[woman.]
Juice! -[man.]
Smoothies! [dialing, line rings.]
Hm I don't know.
That window doesn't look structurally sound.
[Speckle.]
Hmm Speckle, you've done it again! -You're the bad boy of architecture! -Woo-hoo! Maxwell, you're no longer the bad boy of architecture! [grunts.]
-[laughs.]
-Woo! [snorting.]
-[high-pitched ringing.]
-[heartbeat thumping.]
- I'm losing my shit -[spotlight clanks.]
For so many reasons I'm losing my grip Yeah, it's panic season I feel my uncontrollable fear Makes it impossible to stay here I'm losing my shit right now - She's losing her shit - She's losing her shit - For no reason - For no reason - I'm losing my grip - She's losing her grip - For all of the reasons - What are the reasons? Uh, there are too many fears to name Snakes, earthquakes Blood and hurricanes I'm going crazy and losing my shit - But I can't help it - No, she can't help it So, I can't help it Right now Look at these dang assholes Making fun of my pain Lady, it's not our fault That you're clearly insane Sounds like general anxiety Might wanna try drugs or therapy Yoga and meditation are key Mental health is as important As brushing your teeth Maybe it's just this effed-up world There's nothing wrong with me No, that's not it.
We're sexy, sexy sex bugs Sexy, sexy sex bugs She's losing her grip But we don't give a shit We're sexy-ass bugs Speckle won't answer his phone And Tuca's gone, I'm all alone I hope everything's okay I left my phone in the car I'd go get it now But I'm lazy and it's too far She's sick in the head She should stay in bed Or take some kind of meds I'd rather be dead Than be here losing my shit [objects crash.]
Shoot, I should've brought the matches.
-[screams.]
-I'm back! Did I miss anything? Ooh, nice grocery store fort.
I'm freaking out! We've been here forever! -Is everything okay? -In the grand scheme of things, yes.
-[screams.]
-[chanting.]
Sex bugs! Sex bugs! But in the small scheme of things, the sex bugs are big now, and it's not my fault! Stop! What did we say about buggy-back riding? It's inappropriate! This is great cardio! [screams.]
Sir, this is the express lane! I'm not trained to handle this many items! [buzzing.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! -[phone clicking.]
-Huh? What's going on? Oh, right.
So, maybe the giant sex bugs are my fault.
I told you not to mix those lotions.
I knew something like this would happen! Bertie, look at these sex bugs.
They're just trying to have a good time.
Which is what I'm trying to get you to do on your day off.
It's not a day off! Okay? I called in sick because I knew I couldn't handle anything today, and now everything's probably falling apart at work and everyone hates me.
Well, we had to postpone Bertie's presentation, so let's watch a movie! -[laughs.]
-Yay, Movie Day! -You go, girl! -Hooray for Bertie! -[Bertie whimpers.]
-I know they look scary at first, but you haven't met the sex bugs yet.
They're so cute! That's Greg.
He's a bit of a handful.
And that's Athena.
She's the smart one.
You can tell by the glasses.
Leonardo, be careful! [beeping.]
This seems not good.
[chanting.]
Sex bug! Sex bug! [gasps.]
Bad sex bug! Bad! -[whimpers.]
-[tea kettle whistling.]
That's it! [screams.]
I've been here way longer than ten minutes, okay? I am so anxious, I just wanna die! -[flies buzzing.]
-And these melons reek! [ghost cackling.]
I'm going home! Bertie, wait for me! -[tires screech.]
-Hold it right there! Center for Sex Bug Control.
No one's going anywhere.
No! [screams.]
No! You're lucky that's just yogurt.
Good day, everyone.
I'm Ebony Black of the CSBC, and this is my partner and adult daughter Sophie.
She recently flunked out of business school, -so now she's working for me.
-Ugh! Mom! You can just introduce me as Sophie.
We're just going to do a routine extermination, and then we'll have you fine folks on your way.
Extermination? You can't just kill them! -There hasn't even been a trial! -A trial? [laughs.]
This is a standard procedure.
There's nothing standard about the killing of innocent creatures who just wanna party.
I demand a trial! And Bertie will be my counsel! -Uh, what? -Ma'am, are these your sex bugs? -Yes! We will not be shamed! -[alarm buzzes.]
Damn.
You all shamed me.
-Uh, Tuca, I'm not-- -You assholes wanna be on the jury? -[murmuring.]
-[snorting.]
All right, although this is highly unorthodox, I'm going to allow this because the traffic heading back to the CSBC headquarters is murderous this time of day, and I just cannot.
-Cool! -Ugh! [indistinct chatter.]
So I'm not a lawyer.
I'll be honest.
I have no idea what you do.
But I know you're the only person who can help me.
It's easy! Just do what they do on Judge Sparrow.
Order-order, gavel-gavel, grovel-grovel, guilty, innocent, blah-blah.
Hey! What are you and your dirty friend doing? -Making more sex bugs? -So what if we are? -Hey, my friend's not dirty.
-Uh, what was that, sugar shoes? -[sizzling.]
-That's the second time today -I'm not sure if something's a compliment.
-[bell dings.]
I said my friend is not dirty! And this is my client, and you will treat her with respect.
-Got it? -Got it.
Jeez.
Bertie, would you like to make your opening statement now? And, Sophie, would you like to admit that condo loan you defaulted on wasn't a wise investment? It was beach-front, Mom! [sighs.]
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my friend used poor judgment, like we all have at some point in our lives.
For example, I called in sick to work today, and now I'm here in a grocery store that sells $12 bottles of air.
Ugh! She's wasting it! And I have to defend my best friend in a sex bug trial, all thanks to my poor judgment.
-[jurors murmuring.]
-Well, I have great judgment.
Are you serious, sir? You don't discipline your child.
[snorts and squeals.]
All the books told me not to.
Should a person or that person's friends be exterminated over poor judgment? -[jurors murmuring.]
-I'd like to call my first witness.
Um that guy! Oh, dear.
I presume you're an expert on everything that this store sells.
Is that correct, sir? -[clears throat.]
Not at all.
-It's no matter.
Could you read the instructions for this sex bug medication out loud, please? "Step one, remove cap.
Step two, apply ointment.
" How much do you apply? The whole thing? Uh I don't know.
Uh How fast should you apply it? For how long? Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? [stutters nervously.]
I'm cheating on my wife! [gasps.]
If he can't be faithful to his wife, then how can we expect Tuca -to be faithful to these instructions? -[jurors.]
Oh! She connected two unrelated things! [gasps.]
It must be true! I think we got this in the bag.
And that bag? Well, that bag is in another bag, baby.
Girl, you're a killer out there! Now, it's their turn to question you, and I'm sure she's gonna be tough, but do not get intimidated.
Huh, I won't let you down! Now, I may just be a big-time city slicker with a fancy college degree Oh, they give degrees to dropouts now? [yells.]
Mom! Irregardless, how many sex bugs medications did you use, ma'am? Just the responsible amount, which is one thing of medication.
Interesting.
Very interesting.
Objection! This is mildly interesting at best! Overruled, but, Sophie, get to it.
Traffic is clearing up.
Oh, I'll get to it.
I took a little mosey around this store's bathroom, and guess what I found.
Come on in, boys! -[jurors gasp.]
-No! Why do I always forget to destroy the evidence? -[jurors gasp.]
-I knew it! You combined hoo-ha meds, and now the bugs are big and you feel sorry for them! It's a story as old as time.
It's not their fault! Well, these bugs are gonna fry.
Maybe you'll think about that before you go shucking a whole field of corn with your ruby rhubarb and get sex bugs again.
I didn't get them from sex.
The truth is I got them from a bush! [all gasp.]
I was walking down the street when nature called.
Luckily, I spotted an oddly inviting bush.
-[jurors gasp.]
-Ah! What? It's cleaner than most public restrooms.
Don't judge.
[sex bugs chanting.]
Sex bugs! Sex bugs! Sex bugs! Ah! All done.
[Bertie.]
Tuca! What? I had to wipe with something.
Don't judge.
I'm gonna judge a little.
So, that's how I got those bugs, bush-to-bush contact.
Huh, wait a second.
-I get to cross-examine! -Objection! -Order! -Hear, hear! -Tally-ho! -Tuca! -Sustained! -Hey! I say that! Sustained.
Wait.
So, can I go? Mm-hmm.
Ms.
Toucan, where was this aforementioned bush? It was a sex bug bush, the one on Sex Bug Lane.
You mean the same Sex Bug Lane that was recently zoned as a historical landmark by the Bird Town Medical Society where thereby none of the sex bugs can legally be killed? Hmm.
"Sex Bug Lane," "historical landmark," "don't kill.
" Case dismissed.
-[all cheering.]
-Yes! I really wanted to exterminate those bugs.
Didn't even get to use my new flamethrower.
Hmm.
Wanna go torch your student loan paperwork? Yeah.
-The ones that I had to co-sign on? -Mom! -[chanting.]
Sex bugs! -Woo! You did it, you beautiful, candle-reading, wax-loving wick-witch! I wish Speckle could have seen this.
[Speckle.]
Hmm -Huh? -Speckle you son of a bitch! I'm nominating you for an Archie Award! For now, Maxwell, you give him yours! -Hmph! -[sighs.]
I wish Bertie could've seen this.
-I can't believe we pulled this off.
-Woo! -I can't believe how light my pubes feel.
-[laughs.]
Hey, you spent a whole hour out of the house, even though you had a super bad case of the Berties.
Plus, I spoke in public and snakes didn't even explode out of my mouth! What an accomplishment! [chuckles.]
This whole sex bug fiasco helped me realize I can handle anything.
[gasps.]
That reminds me.
I got something important I gotta do! You go, girl! Can't stop, won't stop That's the motto Sippin' on the money Like drippin' gelato Tony had it goin' on Did it all in the name of the game For fame, to look jovious To, to -See you at the next Wootus meeting! -Goddess be with you.
-Cool lady.
-Yeah, cool lady.
I'm still unsure of your tone, but thank you! [bell jingles.]
Hey, I wanna bake! Ah, excellent! -But I already have a full-time job! -An apprenticeship, then? Great! What's that? You come in a few nights a week, and I teach you the tools of the trade.
That's a very generous offer that fits within the confines of my work schedule, and I'm not sure why I'm still yelling! [Speckle growls.]
-Eep! -I'm gonna eat your feet! -[giggles.]
Ha-ha! You dummy! -[kissing.]
Hey, you're looking at the new bad boy of architecture.
I get to be called that because I'm such a good boy! That's great! -I actually had a pretty cool day, too.
-Hmm.
I'm going to start working at a bakery a few days a week.
Oh, wow! Yeah, but you're still working at Conde Nest? That seems like a lot.
-Yeah, but I can handle it.
-I know you can.
[cymbals crashing.]
[discordant music playing.]
Come on, guys.
Greg, it would be great if you could read the music before rehearsal.
And no one replied to my email about merch design.
Do you bugs wanna be a real band, or are we just having fun here? Also, Athena, stop humping your tambourines! [tambourine rattling.]
[funk music playing.]
I love y'all! And that's how we can triple our revenue by the end of the third quarter.
-[sighs.]
-Well, I just wanna add [retching.]
-Ah! [coughs.]
-[people screaming.]
Ooh, that looks real bad.
This never happens! -[hisses.]
-Huh.
[retching continues.]
[funk music playing.]
[whistling.]
[grunts.]
Where am I?
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie - Tuca - And Bertie [both vocalize.]
[theme song ends.]
-[snoring.]
-[Bertie.]
"To whom it may concern" -Bleh! Too formal.
-What? "How's it hangin', Holland, ya bossy boy?" Whoa, too cool.
[yawns.]
Dear Bertie, what's happening? "Good sir, 'tis with a humble heart I admit-eth I've fallen ill this early morn" Ah! Too poetic.
Ugh! Why do I always write like this when I'm asking for a sick day? Now, how would I write if I was puking? -Oh, no! Are you-- Are you sick? -No.
Well, yes! I'm feeling jittery! Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the flu shot vaccine is only 65 percent effective this season.
-That one's tough.
-There's no floor to the universe.
Oh, sure.
Sure, sure.
And I have to give a big presentation at work today! There it is! Look, I know you've been under a lot of pressure since you got that promotion, but maybe you're just having one of your pre-panic attacks, you know? -Where you spin out over something small? -I don't do that! Um, it happens a few times a month.
Well, what if a snake crawls in my mouth, lays eggs, and baby snakes slither out of my mouth in the middle of a meeting? -That would be so embarrassing! -Is that a thing that can happen? It's only a matter of time.
You know, I also have a really stressful day ahead at my job, but sometimes all you need to do is show up.
-Ugh! -Ooh, I know what you need.
Oh-ho! You need the Worry Vacuum! Let me just plug this in right here.
[grunts.]
How about, "Hey, Holland.
Can't come in today.
Keep the coffee hot for me.
" Ha-ha! Wow, that is awful.
[Speckle imitating vacuum.]
The Worry Vac is sucking all of your anxiety away! [sighs.]
And now let's switch on the deep clean to root out the panic.
[imitating vacuum.]
-[both scream.]
-Shit! I mean, don't worry.
This is a job for the real vacuum.
-[vacuum humming.]
-Uh, this is making me feel worse.
-[knocking on wall.]
-[both gasp.]
-[burps.]
-[both sigh.]
[both.]
Tuca.
[music playing on TV.]
Quiet! You have to fly pretty high to get one over on Judge Sparrow.
I didn't spend an hour in hair and makeup to get my feathers ruffled! Yes! Get 'em, Judge Sparrow! Oh, hey! I didn't pay my cable bill and my acquaintance Ryan is on Bird Court.
Your friend who was hit by a car? Yup! But we just found out he punched the car first.
[car beeps.]
News flash: birds lay eggs, not bullshit! [eagle screeches.]
[laughs.]
Oh, hey.
You guys found the pastries I made last night.
Mm, Bertie, you're getting better and better at baking, I swear.
Yeah, these are really good! No.
I just whipped them up and they're perfect! I'm gonna go get dressed.
Don't talk about me while I'm gone! We never do! Yoinks! Why aren't you getting ready for work? Well, I'm actually kind of sick.
-[coughs.]
-Uh-huh.
I know you.
You're having one of your "I can't go outside because literally everything terrifies me and my body is holding my mind hostage" days.
Or as I like to call it, "A case of the Berties.
" You know, it's better if you just suck it up and-- Go to work.
I know.
No! Ditch it and hang with your pal Tuca! Work sucks! And that presentation sounds boring.
-How did you-- -I heard everything you said in your bedroom.
The walls here are super thin.
[grunts.]
[bees buzzing.]
-Oh, no! I made a bee hole! -Huh? I don't wanna go out.
Staying inside is the best thing for me today.
Listen.
You have to come with me to the store.
I have sex bugs! -[chuckles.]
Yeah, right.
-No, really.
Check it.
-[dance music playing.]
-[chanting.]
Sex bugs! Sex bugs! Sex bugs! -What? -They're trouser crickets, Bertie! Pests in my nest! Cooties in my culottes! -Please stop.
-Please help.
Why can't you just go get the lotion or whatever by yourself? You know me! I need you to keep me focused and on task.
It'll be a ten-minute trip, tops.
Like a Tuca ten or a real ten minutes? Just ten actual minutes, I promise! -Like a Tuca promise? -You've gotta come! If I try to find medicine by myself, who knows what I'll come back with! More sex bugs, probably.
Ew! Okay, fine! You know I can't say no to you.
Let me just finish this email to my boss.
Hey! "Me sick.
Cough.
Cough.
" Send.
-Tuca! -No time to argue.
It's sent.
Let's go! [electronic voice sings.]
Little bird, put your pants on Little bird, put your pants on Going outside No Yes! Going outside Wait a minute! Explain.
These make me feel safe.
Normally I'd say, "Girl, you look like you want someone to snack on your feet.
" But since you're anxious, I'll say nothing.
Thank you.
[vocalizing.]
-[Bertie squeals.]
-[Tuca laughs.]
[grunting.]
-Eek! Teens! -Out of the way, sprouts! We like your shoes.
Yeah.
You look like a baby.
So cool.
Was that sarcasm? No, we really like them.
Yeah, so cute.
Thank you.
Uh, the words you're saying are nice, but the way you say them makes them sound mean, so They're teenagers, Bertie.
-Everything they say is a lie.
-Eep! -Oh, my God.
Are we mean? -No way.
[burps.]
-Uh -Ugh! [groans.]
Why does it feel like everyone's staring at me? I better not run into anyone from work out here.
Why don't you just quit that job? Baking is your true calling.
Didn't that pastry guy give you his number? Yeah, but that's really more of a hobby, and I have a good job.
Plus, I just got a promotion.
And it's hard to start fresh with a new career at our age.
-I start a new career every week! -And I don't have a rich aunt to lean on.
Lean? [scoffs.]
I like to cannonball into that pool of unearned cash! Hey, short shorts.
Nice itching.
Beat it, Bruce! You mean for the third time today? Don't mind if I do.
-[laughing.]
-Was it Bruce? Did he give you the sex bugs? -It's okay if-- -No! You know I haven't had sex in six months.
But you know sex bugs can lay dormant for six months, 11 days, and eight hours, right? -How did you know that? -There's a billboard! Jeez, in that case, I could have gotten them from anyone! Those last 11 days and eight hours before my six-month dry spell were nasty! I was doing all kinds of screwing.
-Like this one time-- -Oh, no.
It's my boss! He knows I'm not sick! He knows you have sex bugs! [clears throat.]
-[gruffly.]
Hello? -Hello, Bertie! Just got your very brief email and wanted to check in.
Eep! [clears throat.]
Oh, thanks.
[coughs.]
Yeah, it's a pretty bad bug, and, uh [coughs.]
so sorry to miss the big presentation, but feel free to carry on without me.
We wouldn't dream of it.
You're a team leader now.
No one can take over your responsibilities.
Everything starts falling apart the second you're gone.
Hey, there.
Come to our next meeting.
-[Holland.]
What was that? -Oh, heh, that was the TV.
It's a show about a bird who plays hooky from work.
[quietly.]
Oh, God, why! "WTUS.
" -"Women Taking Up Space.
" -[woman.]
Wootus! -Take back the bench! Claim the chaise! -Shh! -[both.]
Are you shushing me? -No, I was [coughs.]
shushing the TV.
Ah! Got one of those new shushable flat screens, hmm? Nice.
[sighs.]
Anyhow, tomorrow's even better for the presentation.
The department heads from other branches will be visiting.
Not to mention the company videographer, several foreign investors, and a busload of troubled teens will be there to hang on your every word.
-Feel better! See you tomorrow! -[beeps.]
I'm good! I love takin' up space.
Spread on, sitster! I didn't know my new position would require so much public speaking.
Our Wootus meetings can help with that.
We also teach women to stand up for themselves and say, "No!" -Oh, no, thanks.
-Just take a flier! -Could I not? -Here you go! Oh, fine! Whatever you want.
-That was a test, and you failed.
-[screams.]
[flies buzzing.]
[woman over PA.]
Attention Fowl Foods shoppers! Our melons are not expired.
Organic fruit is supposed to give off a strong, biological fragrance.
The problem isn't our smelly melons, it's you.
-You said we'd be done in ten minutes! -The walk here doesn't count.
The timer doesn't start until we get to the store.
Duh.
Gah! Why is it so crowded in here today? Hey, relax! You're okay.
Here.
Smell this.
[sniffs and sighs.]
I love these candles.
They always have fun rando trivia printed on the labels.
Look.
"Bees have adapted to survive on pastries.
" -Thank you, candle! -[chuckles.]
That is rando! Wait, you're gonna use all of those? Tuca, you should read the directions first.
You could have a really bad reaction.
Nah, that's just your worry wart flapping its warty mouth again.
[mumbling.]
I'll be right back.
You just chill here.
Okay, but don't take too long because I really need to get back home ASAP.
-Here.
-[sniffs and sighs.]
It's okay.
[exhales.]
I'm fine.
I'm just standing here, learning some facts.
Candle facts.
-Eep! -[snorting.]
Wow, sweetie, you're really committing to this activity, huh? -How does that make you feel? -Shut up, Daddy! Somebody's getting another sticker on their Helpful Communication Map when we get home.
[whimpering.]
[panting.]
Almost up to 30,000 These people are wigging me out.
Juicing is not the same as blending! -Smoothies are juice! -Excuse me, could I just Well, I think we can all agree that juice isn't food.
-Fuck you! -Ow! [screams.]
[clerk.]
Hey! -[distorted.]
Smoothies.
-[distorted.]
Juicing! [distorted.]
Medic! What's taking Tuca so long? "Works in 12 hours.
" Hmm, extra strength, so if I put them together, they'll work twice as good.
Medicine math! -[woman.]
Juice! -[man.]
Smoothies! -[woman.]
Juice! -[man.]
Smoothies! [dialing, line rings.]
Hm I don't know.
That window doesn't look structurally sound.
[Speckle.]
Hmm Speckle, you've done it again! -You're the bad boy of architecture! -Woo-hoo! Maxwell, you're no longer the bad boy of architecture! [grunts.]
-[laughs.]
-Woo! [snorting.]
-[high-pitched ringing.]
-[heartbeat thumping.]
- I'm losing my shit -[spotlight clanks.]
For so many reasons I'm losing my grip Yeah, it's panic season I feel my uncontrollable fear Makes it impossible to stay here I'm losing my shit right now - She's losing her shit - She's losing her shit - For no reason - For no reason - I'm losing my grip - She's losing her grip - For all of the reasons - What are the reasons? Uh, there are too many fears to name Snakes, earthquakes Blood and hurricanes I'm going crazy and losing my shit - But I can't help it - No, she can't help it So, I can't help it Right now Look at these dang assholes Making fun of my pain Lady, it's not our fault That you're clearly insane Sounds like general anxiety Might wanna try drugs or therapy Yoga and meditation are key Mental health is as important As brushing your teeth Maybe it's just this effed-up world There's nothing wrong with me No, that's not it.
We're sexy, sexy sex bugs Sexy, sexy sex bugs She's losing her grip But we don't give a shit We're sexy-ass bugs Speckle won't answer his phone And Tuca's gone, I'm all alone I hope everything's okay I left my phone in the car I'd go get it now But I'm lazy and it's too far She's sick in the head She should stay in bed Or take some kind of meds I'd rather be dead Than be here losing my shit [objects crash.]
Shoot, I should've brought the matches.
-[screams.]
-I'm back! Did I miss anything? Ooh, nice grocery store fort.
I'm freaking out! We've been here forever! -Is everything okay? -In the grand scheme of things, yes.
-[screams.]
-[chanting.]
Sex bugs! Sex bugs! But in the small scheme of things, the sex bugs are big now, and it's not my fault! Stop! What did we say about buggy-back riding? It's inappropriate! This is great cardio! [screams.]
Sir, this is the express lane! I'm not trained to handle this many items! [buzzing.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! -[phone clicking.]
-Huh? What's going on? Oh, right.
So, maybe the giant sex bugs are my fault.
I told you not to mix those lotions.
I knew something like this would happen! Bertie, look at these sex bugs.
They're just trying to have a good time.
Which is what I'm trying to get you to do on your day off.
It's not a day off! Okay? I called in sick because I knew I couldn't handle anything today, and now everything's probably falling apart at work and everyone hates me.
Well, we had to postpone Bertie's presentation, so let's watch a movie! -[laughs.]
-Yay, Movie Day! -You go, girl! -Hooray for Bertie! -[Bertie whimpers.]
-I know they look scary at first, but you haven't met the sex bugs yet.
They're so cute! That's Greg.
He's a bit of a handful.
And that's Athena.
She's the smart one.
You can tell by the glasses.
Leonardo, be careful! [beeping.]
This seems not good.
[chanting.]
Sex bug! Sex bug! [gasps.]
Bad sex bug! Bad! -[whimpers.]
-[tea kettle whistling.]
That's it! [screams.]
I've been here way longer than ten minutes, okay? I am so anxious, I just wanna die! -[flies buzzing.]
-And these melons reek! [ghost cackling.]
I'm going home! Bertie, wait for me! -[tires screech.]
-Hold it right there! Center for Sex Bug Control.
No one's going anywhere.
No! [screams.]
No! You're lucky that's just yogurt.
Good day, everyone.
I'm Ebony Black of the CSBC, and this is my partner and adult daughter Sophie.
She recently flunked out of business school, -so now she's working for me.
-Ugh! Mom! You can just introduce me as Sophie.
We're just going to do a routine extermination, and then we'll have you fine folks on your way.
Extermination? You can't just kill them! -There hasn't even been a trial! -A trial? [laughs.]
This is a standard procedure.
There's nothing standard about the killing of innocent creatures who just wanna party.
I demand a trial! And Bertie will be my counsel! -Uh, what? -Ma'am, are these your sex bugs? -Yes! We will not be shamed! -[alarm buzzes.]
Damn.
You all shamed me.
-Uh, Tuca, I'm not-- -You assholes wanna be on the jury? -[murmuring.]
-[snorting.]
All right, although this is highly unorthodox, I'm going to allow this because the traffic heading back to the CSBC headquarters is murderous this time of day, and I just cannot.
-Cool! -Ugh! [indistinct chatter.]
So I'm not a lawyer.
I'll be honest.
I have no idea what you do.
But I know you're the only person who can help me.
It's easy! Just do what they do on Judge Sparrow.
Order-order, gavel-gavel, grovel-grovel, guilty, innocent, blah-blah.
Hey! What are you and your dirty friend doing? -Making more sex bugs? -So what if we are? -Hey, my friend's not dirty.
-Uh, what was that, sugar shoes? -[sizzling.]
-That's the second time today -I'm not sure if something's a compliment.
-[bell dings.]
I said my friend is not dirty! And this is my client, and you will treat her with respect.
-Got it? -Got it.
Jeez.
Bertie, would you like to make your opening statement now? And, Sophie, would you like to admit that condo loan you defaulted on wasn't a wise investment? It was beach-front, Mom! [sighs.]
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my friend used poor judgment, like we all have at some point in our lives.
For example, I called in sick to work today, and now I'm here in a grocery store that sells $12 bottles of air.
Ugh! She's wasting it! And I have to defend my best friend in a sex bug trial, all thanks to my poor judgment.
-[jurors murmuring.]
-Well, I have great judgment.
Are you serious, sir? You don't discipline your child.
[snorts and squeals.]
All the books told me not to.
Should a person or that person's friends be exterminated over poor judgment? -[jurors murmuring.]
-I'd like to call my first witness.
Um that guy! Oh, dear.
I presume you're an expert on everything that this store sells.
Is that correct, sir? -[clears throat.]
Not at all.
-It's no matter.
Could you read the instructions for this sex bug medication out loud, please? "Step one, remove cap.
Step two, apply ointment.
" How much do you apply? The whole thing? Uh I don't know.
Uh How fast should you apply it? For how long? Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? [stutters nervously.]
I'm cheating on my wife! [gasps.]
If he can't be faithful to his wife, then how can we expect Tuca -to be faithful to these instructions? -[jurors.]
Oh! She connected two unrelated things! [gasps.]
It must be true! I think we got this in the bag.
And that bag? Well, that bag is in another bag, baby.
Girl, you're a killer out there! Now, it's their turn to question you, and I'm sure she's gonna be tough, but do not get intimidated.
Huh, I won't let you down! Now, I may just be a big-time city slicker with a fancy college degree Oh, they give degrees to dropouts now? [yells.]
Mom! Irregardless, how many sex bugs medications did you use, ma'am? Just the responsible amount, which is one thing of medication.
Interesting.
Very interesting.
Objection! This is mildly interesting at best! Overruled, but, Sophie, get to it.
Traffic is clearing up.
Oh, I'll get to it.
I took a little mosey around this store's bathroom, and guess what I found.
Come on in, boys! -[jurors gasp.]
-No! Why do I always forget to destroy the evidence? -[jurors gasp.]
-I knew it! You combined hoo-ha meds, and now the bugs are big and you feel sorry for them! It's a story as old as time.
It's not their fault! Well, these bugs are gonna fry.
Maybe you'll think about that before you go shucking a whole field of corn with your ruby rhubarb and get sex bugs again.
I didn't get them from sex.
The truth is I got them from a bush! [all gasp.]
I was walking down the street when nature called.
Luckily, I spotted an oddly inviting bush.
-[jurors gasp.]
-Ah! What? It's cleaner than most public restrooms.
Don't judge.
[sex bugs chanting.]
Sex bugs! Sex bugs! Sex bugs! Ah! All done.
[Bertie.]
Tuca! What? I had to wipe with something.
Don't judge.
I'm gonna judge a little.
So, that's how I got those bugs, bush-to-bush contact.
Huh, wait a second.
-I get to cross-examine! -Objection! -Order! -Hear, hear! -Tally-ho! -Tuca! -Sustained! -Hey! I say that! Sustained.
Wait.
So, can I go? Mm-hmm.
Ms.
Toucan, where was this aforementioned bush? It was a sex bug bush, the one on Sex Bug Lane.
You mean the same Sex Bug Lane that was recently zoned as a historical landmark by the Bird Town Medical Society where thereby none of the sex bugs can legally be killed? Hmm.
"Sex Bug Lane," "historical landmark," "don't kill.
" Case dismissed.
-[all cheering.]
-Yes! I really wanted to exterminate those bugs.
Didn't even get to use my new flamethrower.
Hmm.
Wanna go torch your student loan paperwork? Yeah.
-The ones that I had to co-sign on? -Mom! -[chanting.]
Sex bugs! -Woo! You did it, you beautiful, candle-reading, wax-loving wick-witch! I wish Speckle could have seen this.
[Speckle.]
Hmm -Huh? -Speckle you son of a bitch! I'm nominating you for an Archie Award! For now, Maxwell, you give him yours! -Hmph! -[sighs.]
I wish Bertie could've seen this.
-I can't believe we pulled this off.
-Woo! -I can't believe how light my pubes feel.
-[laughs.]
Hey, you spent a whole hour out of the house, even though you had a super bad case of the Berties.
Plus, I spoke in public and snakes didn't even explode out of my mouth! What an accomplishment! [chuckles.]
This whole sex bug fiasco helped me realize I can handle anything.
[gasps.]
That reminds me.
I got something important I gotta do! You go, girl! Can't stop, won't stop That's the motto Sippin' on the money Like drippin' gelato Tony had it goin' on Did it all in the name of the game For fame, to look jovious To, to -See you at the next Wootus meeting! -Goddess be with you.
-Cool lady.
-Yeah, cool lady.
I'm still unsure of your tone, but thank you! [bell jingles.]
Hey, I wanna bake! Ah, excellent! -But I already have a full-time job! -An apprenticeship, then? Great! What's that? You come in a few nights a week, and I teach you the tools of the trade.
That's a very generous offer that fits within the confines of my work schedule, and I'm not sure why I'm still yelling! [Speckle growls.]
-Eep! -I'm gonna eat your feet! -[giggles.]
Ha-ha! You dummy! -[kissing.]
Hey, you're looking at the new bad boy of architecture.
I get to be called that because I'm such a good boy! That's great! -I actually had a pretty cool day, too.
-Hmm.
I'm going to start working at a bakery a few days a week.
Oh, wow! Yeah, but you're still working at Conde Nest? That seems like a lot.
-Yeah, but I can handle it.
-I know you can.
[cymbals crashing.]
[discordant music playing.]
Come on, guys.
Greg, it would be great if you could read the music before rehearsal.
And no one replied to my email about merch design.
Do you bugs wanna be a real band, or are we just having fun here? Also, Athena, stop humping your tambourines! [tambourine rattling.]
[funk music playing.]
I love y'all! And that's how we can triple our revenue by the end of the third quarter.
-[sighs.]
-Well, I just wanna add [retching.]
-Ah! [coughs.]
-[people screaming.]
Ooh, that looks real bad.
This never happens! -[hisses.]
-Huh.
[retching continues.]
[funk music playing.]
[whistling.]
[grunts.]
Where am I?