Twentysomething (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

(Chatter) Come back here, you little maggot! (Yells indistinctly) Hold still! You said I could do this if I caught you.
OK, let's break this party up.
(Squeals) Shit! (Laughs) That's it.
You two have been at it all night.
You've got one minute to get off the premises or I'll call the cops.
Not a problem.
But if you want me out, you're gonna have to drag me out.
You really want me to drag you? 100%.
Yes! Everyone back to our place for drinks! You can come.
You can come.
You can come.
You can come.
You can come.
You can come.
Everyone can come! MAN: (Sings) £ I could never learn to fly £ Jumpin' out of airplanes £ I find it hard enough to survive £ Without falling from the sky £ Oh, I could never find peace that way.
£ Hey, there's a guy in a suit in your front garden.
What are you talking about? Come and have a look.
I need you to shut up, Abby.
Jess, get up.
Our house is open for inspection today.
What?! I forgot.
Oh.
Shit! OK Oh, this place is a mess.
Are we gonna get in trouble for this? Just leave it.
This is what's gonna happen - you're gonna answer the door, and you're gonna apologise for all this.
OK.
Thanks.
You know I don't live here, right? Yep.
I know that.
Do you know that? 'Cause I feel like you don't.
You're always here, you don't contribute, so this would be a really great way for you to pay us back, if you just took the bullet.
'Cause Josh and I have to go to work.
We actually work.
Who's that? I can't remember his name.
(Laughs) Nice catch, Ab.
As you can see, the property does need a little bit of work on it.
Yes! Fuck off! That's easily fixed.
You know what tenants in their 20s can be like.
Give me a filthy look.
That's it, you dirty girl.
(Both laugh) Now, if you'd just like to follow me to the front door.
Morning, everyone.
Come in.
I'll be right with you, folks.
Just give me five minutes, will you? Sorry about the mess.
I couldn't find the vacuum cleaner.
This is exactly what I was talking about.
Complete disrespect.
I hate inspections.
Such an invasion of privacy.
It's just complete disrespect for our space.
I know.
The thought of someone snooping through my bedroom Oh! It's the only place I have to myself.
Don't worry too much, Josh.
You don't have much to snoop through.
I've read your diary.
Put me to sleep! Jess, my diary has a lock on it.
You know I can pick locks.
Now get out, you're late.
Here you go.
Sorry I'm late.
There was this massive car accident in my street.
Do you know four people died? I mean, imagine if I was earlier.
That could have been me.
God! Don't waste any more of my time.
OK, no worries.
Sorry.
Just lucky I'm alive, hey? What are you doing, darling? (Laughs) OK, I've got the muesli with fruit and yoghurt.
Honey, are you being funny over there? OK, I'll just leave that with you then.
Excuse me.
Yep? I asked for poached eggs.
Oh, sorry, this must be another table's.
No, leave it.
We're already very late.
This will have to do.
OK, but this is someone else's meal.
I actually don't have time to argue with you about your mistakes.
Just leave it.
And you can lose the attitude.
OK.
Josh, we need more side plates ASAP.
Come on, lift your game, mate.
You're not fast enough.
Oh, fuck.
I'm terribly sorry about that.
So a kid's just thrown up and you were late this morning.
We all took a vote.
You get to clean it up.
I quit.
And everyone calls you Meatloaf behind your back.
Be a good girl and give that to Jess and Josh, would you? Oh, my God.
What a bitch of a day.
I hate mothers.
I hate children.
I hate the general public.
Me too.
They're all such a bunch of whores, Josh.
You know, they're so disappointed with their own lives, they've gotta make mine a living hell.
You shouldn't have to put up with that treatment, Jess.
Yeah, I know.
I don't know why I let it get to me.
But it does, you know? It's just been years and years of working my arse off and just never really getting anywhere.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I've decided not anymore.
'Cause today, I quit.
Oh, good for you.
Thank you.
I got fired today.
Great.
Who's gonna pay the bills now? I know, I'm sorry.
I'm an idiot.
Is that that bitch we went to school with? Anita? Fuck, has she seen me? Oh, fuck, she's seen me.
Jess? Josh? Oh, my God! How are you guys? I feel like I haven't seen you for ages.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's been a while.
So, what are you doing at the moment? Are you still working at that cafe, Jess? No.
No, no.
I'm all finished there.
I actually just got offered a massive promotion today.
My office job in the city.
Wow! Hey, congratulations.
Well, anyway, things are going great with me.
Just, you know, working my way up at the firm.
Oh, and I'm just about to buy some property, actually.
How crazy is that? Me buying property! Sometimes, it feels like we just finished school.
Yeah.
We did just finish school though.
(Laughs) Really? Actually, it was eight years ago.
Well, anyway, I better go.
But congrats on getting real job, Jess, that's exciting.
OK.
What a fuckin' bitch.
I mean, did you see the way she looked at me? Like it was such a shock that I was working in the city.
I could work in the city, Josh.
I just haven't tried yet.
This looks nice.
We can get coffee here in the morning.
You just stay here.
Hello.
Hi.
I was just wondering if you were looking to hire any new staff at the moment? Listen, you're best to go through a recruitment agency for that.
Right.
Well, I'm here now, so how about I just leave a resume with you.
If something pops up, then you've got my details.
Maybe you should just stick to waitressing.
OK.
Well, I hope you split and knock your two front teeth out today.
Not hiring.
I can't believe we didn't know about this recruitment bizzo earlier.
Should we put hobbies and interests down on your resume? This is how people like Anita are getting big corporate jobs.
They hire someone to get it for them.
I don't think I've got enough stuff.
I should have said I went to uni.
No, no, no.
Got life experience, Josh.
They don't teach that at uni.
And all they do is sit around and play the guitar and debate about politics and chain themselves to trees.
So, Jess, let's start with what it is that you're looking for from an employer.
I want to be able to speak my mind.
I want paid lunchbreaks, I want casual clothes day, I want holiday pay, I want a swipe card to get in the building, I want a private bathroom I do like taking photos.
I like drawing.
Sort of creative things.
Yeah, right, well, I see that in your hobbies and interests on your CV.
Look, these aren't the types of jobs that we specialise in.
Oh.
That's fine.
I trust you.
Anything you think I'll be good at.
So this is your phone.
Answer it when it rings.
And don't leave the desk.
Do I get a computer? Like I said, if the phone rings, answer it.
The door on the right.
All of this needs to be filed away.
If you're quick, you should be able to knock it over in about a couple of weeks.
Hang on.
So this is all I'm gonna be doing for a couple of weeks? What else were you expecting to be doing? Not this.
No, this is, um this is not what I wanted to do.
It's not where I wanted to be.
Ah I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to go.
I've gotta get out of here.
Can I get out this door? Yes, of course.
Then why is it locked?! I can't get out of it.
You have to pull it! Yeah, hi.
I'm actually calling to report an emergency with one of your staff members.
(Screams, sobs hysterically) Josh, here I am.
I can't believe it.
How did she do it? Oh, no, it's OK.
Calm down.
Abby didn't kill herself.
I made it up.
I just wanted to save you from the boredom of work.
Jess, that's vicious.
I'm sorry, I was thinking on my feet.
I just wanted to get you out of there.
It's OK.
Hey, what's this? I made it for you.
Oh! Cute? Yeah, that's cute.
Helps my posture.
You OK? We've got to find a way to be our own bosses or something.
Yep.
We need a plan or a scheme or a gimmick or something.
Like what? I don't know yet.
But do you know that the person who wrote Happy Birthday gets paid every time it's used? Really? Yeah, imagine if we'd written that.
We'd be loaded.
We need OUR Happy Birthday idea.
Mmm.
I don't really want to go in here.
I know.
Twenty-firsts are just full of adults with questions and we've got no impressive answers right now.
No, but it's my cousin's 21st and I promised my aunty I'd stop in.
Well, doesn't she have friends of her own? Not really.
Is it free drinks? I think so.
Great.
Lucky bugger just found herself two new friends.
£ THUMPING DANCE MUSIC Hey, let's stick together tonight.
I don't want to get stuck with Nick.
OK, but let's just make it quick.
Joshy! (Laughs) I've ever so glad you came.
(Mouths words) And your brother's here too.
Oh, great.
Hey, guess who I just saw outside.
Who? Billy.
What?! Yeah! What's he doing here? That's weird! Actually, what are you doing here? Josh told me it was free drinks.
It is, isn't it? Yeah, no, it is.
That's the only reason I'm here.
Good.
Me too.
Let's go.
Joshy! Nick.
Hey.
Look how slutty they are.
She put slutty pictures of herself up.
21st photo boards are so indulgent.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my gosh, Billy's coming over.
Really? OK.
Stay here with me.
OK.
Actually, no.
Fuck off.
Yeah, you talk too much.
I can do this on my own.
Hey, here she is.
How you going? Didn't know you'd be here.
So you're back? Well, I'm back.
This is me back.
Yep And, uh what are you doing at this party? Oh, right, yeah.
No, I've got a sleazy mate who's going out with a 21-year-old, so I get to go to all the 21sts again.
That's, uh, that's classy.
Yeah, no, he's a really classy guy.
He's all class.
Yeah.
So how's work, mate? Good.
Yeah? Yeah.
You still at the restaurant? Oh, no, actually, I got fired.
Mate, you've really got to get your shit together, OK? Yep.
Yeah? Come and work for Dad and me at the agency.
Must be boring being back.
No, shit no.
It's great.
It's really good.
It's great to see everyone and, you know, settle back into things.
I was ready to come home.
Travelling takes its toll.
Yep, it's taken its toll on your midsection.
I noticed that.
Bit soft there.
That's That's just 'cause a lot of Europe's made of cheese.
And it's all coming back off now.
Yeah, I know.
You're keen on the cheese.
I know that.
You're looking great.
I know.
Stayed clear of the cheese.
Yeah.
No, thank you.
So, what is the deal with the whole Don't.
Are you gonna ask me what I'm up to at the moment? 'Cause I hate that question.
Yep.
No.
I know you do.
I know you do.
No, I was going to see if, uh .
.
see if you wanted even more drinks.
Because I think if we're pissed this might be a bit less awkward.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Great idea.
Thank you.
(Laughs) Well, I'll finish this.
Thanks.
You go get me another one of those, and I'll speak to you later when I've got fuzzier vision.
You know, you could move out on your own, get your own little investment property.
Yeah.
Yeah? It'd be great.
Imagine being on your own, without Jess OK, Nick.
Just back away from the defenceless little deer.
We're very happy renting.
We're way too young to be buying anything.
You don't want to be left out, mate, OK? And it's hardly your 21st anymore, is it? No, but at least I didn't grow up too fast and turn into a passive-aggressive control freak who's only really capable of talking about work.
Yeah.
Or property portfolios.
Have another wine, Jess.
I can't wait to, Nick.
I'm going to go check on Fi.
Jesus! I feel like a pig on a spit tonight.
I'm getting grilled from every angle.
What a depressing 21st.
This can't be how she celebrates the start of her early 20s.
It's the best years of your life, you know? It might pick up.
Josh, they're serving dip out of a hollowed-out cob loaf.
This party's going nowhere.
(Glass clangs) Oh, shit, speeches are starting.
Right, let's get out of here, then.
I'm not going to stick around and hear awkward stories about how she lost her virginity in some park.
You take that.
Some mail.
Ooh, you've been shopping.
What have we got? A few snacks.
Why have you put your name on everything? I'm not going to eat your big bloody yoghurt.
You ate the last one.
No, I didn't.
Must have been Abby.
She's a pest, isn't she? What's this? I don't know.
What is it? It says we've been evicted.
We have to vacate the premises, hand in our keys by Sunday.
Jess, that's two days away.
Shit! God, they haven't given us much time.
Well, this is the last thing we need, isn't it? Yes.
Well, what are we going to do? Let's start packing.
Where do we move our stuff to? We've got so much stuff, Jess.
We can't get rid of it in two days.
OK, can you just calm down? Yep.
Just stand still for one second.
Stop.
I cannot think when you're like this.
Where are we going to move everything to? Well, this is what I'm thinking.
What if we just sold it all? Then we don't have to move it, do we? Sell it to who? Anyone.
I don't know.
There's heaps of no-hopers and bums and junkies.
They love buying stuff like this.
We'll throw it all on the lawn and they'll flock to it.
Maybe this is just what we need.
A bit of a cleanse.
Get rid of all the junk and just hit rock bottom, then go up from there.
OK, how're you going out here? Good.
Yep, alright.
You haven't got much done.
I think we need to get three piles happening here.
Stuff that we want to keep Yep.
.
.
stuff that we're gonna sell, and shit that we're just gonna throw out.
You know, burn, get rid of, OK? So I think all this paper will get the fire started.
No, no, no, they're my photos and journals and stuff.
OK, Josh, we've got nowhere to live, we've got no storage.
We just have to get ruthless, and I think we should just (Gasps) .
.
burn them and move on.
Jess.
Let's keep going.
And what's this stuff? Burn? No, that's in the keep pile.
What is it? Josh, it's a papier-mache dinosaur egg.
It's pretty obvious.
OK, what's this? No, that'll be worth a fortune soon.
That's the complete Goosebumps series.
RL Stine's.
Here we go.
We'll burn these.
No, they're my worry dolls! What? Jess! I put them under my pillow Jess! I just burnt my baby photos! Calm down.
Compromise.
I'll sell them.
Alright? Someone will want them.
Someone with lots of worries needs these.
OK, Josh, how's everything going out here? Are we on top of the visual merch? Yep.
We've got balloons, check.
Flags, check.
Lots of colour.
Good.
Check.
Yeah, do we really need the megaphone? I also want you to say that things are either antique, they're vintage or a collector's edition.
OK.
Adds value.
Copy that, Josh? Copy that, Jess.
And you're sure it's not too early to set this up? No, it's fine.
I mean, here they come now.
Look at them.
Bunch of carnies.
Right on cue.
I knew it.
Now get to your station, Josh.
OK.
Bum bag on? Ready to sell? These guys look serious.
Seasoned professionals.
Welcome, everyone.
We have leather goods.
We have antiques.
We have vintage dresses.
Collector's edition.
That is a New Kids on the Block cassette tape.
Wowee! No, it's solid.
Yeah, they thought it was hollow.
They thought I had cocaine in there.
Got some glow-in-the-dark stars.
Unopened pack.
That would look good on you.
That would look good on you.
Get some money off your mum.
No refunds! I'll just stress that now.
That is an original costume from my primary school performance of The Nutcracker.
Beers for three dollars.
Shots for four dollars.
What a slut.
We're gonna have a party later.
Come in.
Focus, Josh! We're here to make money.
Best price.
What's your best price? Best price? Knock it back.
Oh, that's back! Oh, you went straight for the two-dollar bin.
Typical.
See ya, guys! WOMAN: Two dollars? No! Two dollars? That's Princess Di.
No deal.
Excuse me! No deal.
You rude, uncouth person, is all I can say, and you deserve that.
Well, I'll get what's coming to me, then, won't I? You do that.
Hey.
No seniors discount, huh? No.
Yep.
You've gotta be ruthless, you know? Show 'em who's boss.
Otherwise they just walk all over you.
Yeah.
Yep.
With their little elderly legs.
Yeah, exactly.
Hey, sorry about the party the other night.
I don't think I said goodbye, and I got dragged my mate to another one, and, you know.
Don't even think about it.
I didn't even notice you gone, actually.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
Cool.
Um, well I guess I was just wondering how much it'd cost to buy back this hippo that I gave you for Valentine's Day? Yeah.
The most romantic day of the year.
I know.
I don't know what you were thinking, though, giving me a stuffed hippo wearing a bikini.
It's cute.
I thought it reminded me of you.
Is that what I look like in a bikini? Fat like a hippo? No, you're cute, like a stuffed hippo, not like a real hippo.
That's not what I'm hearing.
OK, but I'm just saying, you know, the cuteness is what reminded I can't get attached to material goods anyway.
Yeah, no.
Just gotta get rid of all the bulky stuff like the photo of us together.
Yeah.
It's absolutely it takes up way too much space.
I know.
I'm sorry.
So thick.
Can't get that Couldn't close the cupboard.
So you wanna buy it? Well, yeah.
I'll take the photo, obviously.
OK, you can have it then.
Take the hippo.
Are these worry dolls? Yeah.
Yeah, my mum used to give me these as a kid.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Cute.
I've had a lot of worries since then but that's all over.
Alright.
What are we talking? Um, oh, 43? 43 bucks? Yep.
Man, that hippo's shot up in value, hasn't it? Yeah.
Well I'm here to make money and I shouldn't have given it away if I knew it'd get that valuable.
Um, you got change for a fifty? Yeah, I do.
Inside, though.
OK.
Or do you just want me to keep the change and pay you back? Yeah.
You know, you've got a shop to run here.
Absolutely.
I don't want to Just keep it a clean pineapple.
.
.
know what the postage and handling charge of you going inside is, so (Laughs) Exactly.
Pleasure doing business with you, ma'am.
Thanking you, kind sir.
You do run a good sales desk.
I do.
Do you want a drink? Yeah.
Great.
£ ROCK MUSIC (Excited chatter and yelling) ALL: (Chant) Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! (All cheer) (Yells indistinctly) More! More! More! More! Josh! Josh, what the fuck are you doing?! Demolishing! Josh, we're renting! It's a demolition party.
This is an eviction party.
Yeah Fuck.
Hold that.
Give me that.
Someone get me some newspaper and glue.
Na, I'm gonna have to papier-mache this up.
No, you're right.
Josh, not cool, man.
Come on.
Pack it up.
Shut it down.
Pack it up.
Josh, what have you done? Well, you can be very happy to know that we've fully evacuated the building.
Just like you asked.
Good.
Had to have a little fire sale, though.
You didn't really give us much time to deal with it any other way.
What are you talking about, 'not enough time'? You've known for at least two weeks.
I told her to give you the letter.
OK, well, does she look like she knows anything? I think you're just pointing the finger and passing the blame.
And that is gonna get you nowhere.
I think you'll find, young lady, you won't be getting your bond back.
And you'll be charged for the gardening, and all the rubbish collection and all the damages.
No.
I'm not paying that.
Jess, think about it.
We might be in over our moose's head.
OK, hang on Alright, I'll give you $1,000 cash, your keys, and I promise you will never see us again.
Now get off the property before I change my mind.
Happily.
I thought he was gonna hit me.
I tell you what, your papier-mache skills are really getting good.
Thanks, Josh.
Where to now? Well, anywhere we want.
Technically, we're homeless.
We stay here until we find somewhere permanent to live.
ALL: (Rap) £ Who's she gonna get? Who's she gonna get? £ Go! Go! Go! Go! You're elevating, Josh! We're about to do a bit of a tour of Melbourne.
You should come.
I hate backpackers.
They're just 20-somethings like us.
We know what they want more than this old slug.
Over here we have the cheapest tour in Melbourne.
I think gonna have a little pub crawl.
Josh actually lost his virginity to a hooker.
No, I didn't.
I'm like Sandra Bullock in Speed here.
For the greater good, I simply cannot stop.
£ Love has come at last £ Throw your sorrows in the past £ Dancing in the rain £ Two feet in the sand £ We're still finding Peter Pan £ To make things stay the same £ Run into the wind, into the waves £ Under the water we will stay £ Matt Whitmore and Michael Booth