Two and a Half Men s01e06 Episode Script
Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
- Hi.
- Hi, Uncle Charlie.
How was your game? The musician's softball league is a joke.
Guys trying to catch stuff that isn't there.
People throwing up on an easy double play ball.
So why do you go? There is an open bar, and they let me pitch.
I've got to get dressed.
I was going to throw this toast out, but it's yours if you want it.
When did I become the family dog? - Jake, what's this, a phone message? - Yeah.
Some lady called for you.
Who? I can't read your writing.
"You're a big selfish jerk.
" Okay, I know who this is.
Amy.
- Probably Amy.
- Yup, Amy.
- She wants you to call her back.
- Yeah, that'll happen.
- Why not? - Because I never said I'd call her back.
Remember this, Jake, never make promises to women that you don't intend to keep.
- And you know how you do that? - Always keep my promises? That might work.
A better way is never make promises.
- What happens if Amy calls again? - Okay, I'm glad you asked that.
When the phone rings at Uncle Charlie's house, we don't just willy-nilly pick up the receiver and answer it.
No.
What we do is we check the caller I.
D.
, and only pick up if we want to talk to that person.
- Like Mom? - That depends.
Your mom, yes.
My mom, no.
How come you don't want to talk to your mom? I'll tell you all about that when you are old enough to drink.
What if I want to talk to your mom? Okay, that kind of attitude is going to break down the whole system.
- Dad, no! Don't pick up the phone! - Why not? It might be your mom.
Or a woman.
It's Amy again.
She just won't give up.
Charlie.
Look, I appreciate your need for privacy, but I think you're sending a bad message to my son about how to deal with women.
How so? He thinks it's okay to avoid somebody because the conversation might be uncomfortable.
Charlie! Okay, that's not funny.
Look, if I am teaching the kid anything, it's honesty.
Really? Walk me through the lesson, Charlie.
Educate me.
Okay.
I tell women upfront I'm not looking for a long-term relationship.
If they don't believe me, or they're determined to change my mind, I have a right to avoid that conversation.
And the phone company obviously agrees with me, otherwise they wouldn't have invented caller I.
D.
Uncle Charlie, what if somebody you don't want to talk to comes over instead of calls? - Just tell them I'm not here.
- He's not here, Grandma! Mom, you just surprised me.
- You should have called first.
- Charlie, I call constantly.
You screen like an Olympic drug tester.
I'm happy to see you, Mom.
I don't believe you, sweetheart.
But at least you care enough to lie.
I care enough to lie.
You just caught me off guard.
So, what are you doing here? I'm showing a house up the beach, and I thought, while I am in the neighborhood, I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
You are writing him a check? - What kind of gift is that? - You told me he likes transformer toys.
This check transforms into any toy he wants.
Thanks, Grandma! Is that all? Don't I get a hug? Your grandma loves you so much.
Grandma's got to go to work.
Nobody just gives her checks.
Walk me.
In case you are at all interested, I have been seeing a man.
And he just may be the one.
- Five time's the charm.
- Four.
- But, what about the guy - That was annulled.
Boy! Are we going to have a new daddy? Bite me, Charlie.
I would like to have a dinner at the house so you boys can meet him.
What night is good for you? - What night do you want us? - I asked you first.
Jake's here weekends, it's Thursday.
Check my calendar.
Don't really want to.
Tomorrow night, 7:00.
It's very important to me, and I hope you can make it.
But I will certainly understand if you are too busy for your mother.
You know what she is trying to do.
- Of course I know.
- But maybe one of us should go.
- Sure.
You go, I look bad.
- What do you care? - I don't care.
- Then don't go.
- I'm not going.
- I'm not going, either.
- I'm not staying.
- We'll eat, we'll go.
- No coffee, no dessert.
- We can't be rude.
Watch me.
I refuse to let that woman - Hi, Mom.
- Better late than never.
- We're right on time.
- I was referring to the big picture.
Hi, Grandma.
And look, you brought Jake to meet my new beau.
Come here, sweetheart.
Now, tonight you and I are going to play a game.
And the name of the game is, "Don't call me Grandma.
" What kind of game is that? It's a fun game, honey.
It only has one rule.
You have to call me Evelyn.
- Okay.
- Try it.
- Evelyn.
- See? We're having fun already.
Look, you didn't bring wine.
Good.
Too many people bring wine.
Tommy, darling, I would like you to meet my sons.
This is Charlie.
- Charlie.
- Hi, Tommy.
How are you? - Alan.
- Hello.
- And this is Jake.
- Yes, I am, Evelyn.
Let's not beat it to death, okay? Good to meet you, Jake.
There you are.
Boys, this is Tommy's daughter, Olivia.
- Hello, Charlie.
- Hi there, stranger.
Do you two know each other? - I thought I knew him.
- Oh, no.
Okay.
Who would like a drink? I would like a drink.
Charlie, come help me make the drinks.
Alan, talk to Olivia.
Alan was a cesarean.
It wasn't medically necessary.
She just had a function to go to.
Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted? Come on, we went out a couple of times.
She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset.
Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy.
I am very happy for you.
- Goodnight.
- Charles.
You are not going anywhere.
This man is very important to me.
We are going to have a nice dinner.
You're going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
She wasn't exactly filed when I met her.
You don't know how lucky you are to have a mother like Evelyn.
She is the warmest, most affectionate, giving woman I have ever known.
That's my mom.
Call her Evelyn.
That's the game.
You play your game, I'll play mine.
- Here we are.
- There's my little karaoke cupcake.
Tommy, you are not telling that story.
We took one of those little cruises to Alaska.
Glaciers and whales, I didn't quite see the point of it all.
But during the evening there was this karaoke competition.
And as you know, I'm no stranger to the stage.
Yes Mom, I know.
Excuse me.
Anyway, you know how I have always sung These Boots Are Made for Walking, with my little dance routine.
Yes, Mom.
I have it on my wedding video.
- So, how've you been? - You know No, I don't know, Charlie.
When people don't return your calls, it's kind of hard to know how they have been.
Look, I know this is an awkward coincidence.
It's no coincidence.
When my father told me who he was dating, I made a point of being here.
You can't argue the awkward part, right? So, I am zipping up my boots, and I am about to go onstage when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf, Texas, gets up and starts singing my song.
I think you can imagine how unhappy I was.
Don't tell me to calm down.
You lied to me.
I did not lie to you.
And you could have told me this on the phone.
- You never answer your phone.
- Of course not.
Who wants to have this conversation? So, I sidled up to the woman and really very smoothly turned it in to a duet, when suddenly she starts pushing me.
- You said I was very special to you.
- You were.
- Yeah, me and three other women.
- I said you were special, not unique.
Drop dead, you bastard.
Excuse me! In my defense Screw it! Finish the story, Evelyn.
Did you push her back? Stupid musician's league.
I don't know why I bother.
Get this.
Tie score, we are down to our last out.
Our best hitter, Billy Kresky's up.
The bases are loaded, and so is Kresky.
His whole family is standing behind the backstop, crying and pleading, "Go back to rehab, Daddy, we love you!" Needless to say, he choked.
Charlie, I think we have got a bigger problem.
- Our mother is missing.
- Don't try to cheer me up.
I am serious.
I called her home, her car, her cell, nothing.
Did you check with the captain of the flying monkeys? Charlie! She's probably just sulking because I screwed up her dinner party last week.
That's what I thought, too.
Except I called her office and they haven't heard from her.
- Okay.
That's weird.
- Yeah.
I think somebody needs to go over there and make sure she's okay.
Good idea.
You do that and I'll stay here in case she calls.
Why don't you go and I will stay here in case she calls? No, I got to be honest, I like my idea better.
- I'm not going there alone.
- I'm not going at all.
What do you want to bet she ran off to Vegas to marry this Tommy guy? If that's all this is, great.
The only down side would be that you slept with our stepsister.
Hadn't thought of that.
Kinda sexy.
- Kinda sick.
- I'm saying.
Look, there is no one here.
Let's go.
No.
I want to take a look.
- You have a key? - I'm the good son.
Mom? Okay, she's not here.
Let's go.
Okay, she's here.
Let's go.
Charlie.
Mom, are you all right? Why haven't you been answering the phone? I didn't want to burden anyone with my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.
Tommy died? He is dead to me.
- Okay, what happened? - He dumped me.
Mom, I am sorry.
The thing between me and his daughter happened years before you met the guy.
This has nothing to do with you, Charlie.
God, you're a narcissist.
No, Tommy left me for some fresh-faced I am sorry, Mom.
I know he meant a lot to you.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, too.
Thank you, Alan.
Nice try, Charlie.
Now if you will both please leave, I'd like to be alone.
We understand.
Charlie, wait! We can't just leave her here.
Fine.
Where do you want to leave her? Mom, why don't you come back and stay at Charlie's house for a few days? - How is that? - Time out.
Don't worry, Charlie.
I have no desire to impose on your life.
Appreciate it.
All right then, chin up.
- You sure, Mom? - Yes.
Thank you, Alan.
Okay.
God! So close.
How long is she going to sit out there? I don't know.
I've never seen her this depressed.
Somebody's got to go out there and show her a little love and support.
- Jake! - Yeah.
Why don't you go out and talk to Grandma? - Why? - Because she's a little lonely.
- She's your mom.
- Don't sass me.
Go talk to Grandma.
- Hi, Evelyn.
- Please, sweetheart, call me Grandma.
- But what about the game? - Games are for children, Jake.
Uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.
That's nice.
But you know, that cool stuff is stuff that other people lost and will never get back.
Trinkets and treasures buried beneath the lonely sands of time.
- Yeah, but finders, keepers, right? - And losers, weepers.
- He's getting killed out there.
- It's all right, he's not crying yet.
Somebody needs to go out there and back him up.
$10 says it's not me.
What's going on with you The kid's got a bladder the size of a pea.
You were a bed wetter, if I recall.
You know what Jake would really get a kick out of? If you could sing while Charlie played the piano.
No, Alan.
I couldn't.
- Besides, Charlie always hated that.
- Are you kidding? It was his idea.
Pick it up, Charlie.
We are walking, not crawling.
"Are you ready, boots? Start walking.
" - Okay, now.
- One more time.
Mom, you okay? Yeah, go back to bed, Charlie.
No, I'm up.
It's hard to sleep after a big show.
Thank you for that.
Brought back some nice memories.
You still got some chops, Mom.
You were rushing the tempo towards the end there.
Sorry, I always get a little carried away when you do the James Brown medley.
Charlie.
Your mother's a real sad case, isn't she? You'll get over him.
There's other guys.
He never even called.
Never even said goodbye.
Maybe he was scared.
Of what? I knew there were no promises, no strings.
That doesn't mean there can't be common courtesy.
To think I mean that little to him? It will be okay, Mom.
You still got me and Alan.
Charlie, please.
I know how difficult things are between us.
Maybe it's my fault.
It's not all your fault.
I probably haven't been the best son.
I just want you to know that in my way, I want you to be happy and I love you.
I guess I'll go pack.
- Why? - I'm going home.
- In the middle of the night? - Charlie, you just said you loved me.
You could only screw it up from here.
Donkey Kong! - Danke Schoen.
- Danke Schoen.
Danke Schoen.
B flat.
One, two, three.
English
- Hi, Uncle Charlie.
How was your game? The musician's softball league is a joke.
Guys trying to catch stuff that isn't there.
People throwing up on an easy double play ball.
So why do you go? There is an open bar, and they let me pitch.
I've got to get dressed.
I was going to throw this toast out, but it's yours if you want it.
When did I become the family dog? - Jake, what's this, a phone message? - Yeah.
Some lady called for you.
Who? I can't read your writing.
"You're a big selfish jerk.
" Okay, I know who this is.
Amy.
- Probably Amy.
- Yup, Amy.
- She wants you to call her back.
- Yeah, that'll happen.
- Why not? - Because I never said I'd call her back.
Remember this, Jake, never make promises to women that you don't intend to keep.
- And you know how you do that? - Always keep my promises? That might work.
A better way is never make promises.
- What happens if Amy calls again? - Okay, I'm glad you asked that.
When the phone rings at Uncle Charlie's house, we don't just willy-nilly pick up the receiver and answer it.
No.
What we do is we check the caller I.
D.
, and only pick up if we want to talk to that person.
- Like Mom? - That depends.
Your mom, yes.
My mom, no.
How come you don't want to talk to your mom? I'll tell you all about that when you are old enough to drink.
What if I want to talk to your mom? Okay, that kind of attitude is going to break down the whole system.
- Dad, no! Don't pick up the phone! - Why not? It might be your mom.
Or a woman.
It's Amy again.
She just won't give up.
Charlie.
Look, I appreciate your need for privacy, but I think you're sending a bad message to my son about how to deal with women.
How so? He thinks it's okay to avoid somebody because the conversation might be uncomfortable.
Charlie! Okay, that's not funny.
Look, if I am teaching the kid anything, it's honesty.
Really? Walk me through the lesson, Charlie.
Educate me.
Okay.
I tell women upfront I'm not looking for a long-term relationship.
If they don't believe me, or they're determined to change my mind, I have a right to avoid that conversation.
And the phone company obviously agrees with me, otherwise they wouldn't have invented caller I.
D.
Uncle Charlie, what if somebody you don't want to talk to comes over instead of calls? - Just tell them I'm not here.
- He's not here, Grandma! Mom, you just surprised me.
- You should have called first.
- Charlie, I call constantly.
You screen like an Olympic drug tester.
I'm happy to see you, Mom.
I don't believe you, sweetheart.
But at least you care enough to lie.
I care enough to lie.
You just caught me off guard.
So, what are you doing here? I'm showing a house up the beach, and I thought, while I am in the neighborhood, I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
You are writing him a check? - What kind of gift is that? - You told me he likes transformer toys.
This check transforms into any toy he wants.
Thanks, Grandma! Is that all? Don't I get a hug? Your grandma loves you so much.
Grandma's got to go to work.
Nobody just gives her checks.
Walk me.
In case you are at all interested, I have been seeing a man.
And he just may be the one.
- Five time's the charm.
- Four.
- But, what about the guy - That was annulled.
Boy! Are we going to have a new daddy? Bite me, Charlie.
I would like to have a dinner at the house so you boys can meet him.
What night is good for you? - What night do you want us? - I asked you first.
Jake's here weekends, it's Thursday.
Check my calendar.
Don't really want to.
Tomorrow night, 7:00.
It's very important to me, and I hope you can make it.
But I will certainly understand if you are too busy for your mother.
You know what she is trying to do.
- Of course I know.
- But maybe one of us should go.
- Sure.
You go, I look bad.
- What do you care? - I don't care.
- Then don't go.
- I'm not going.
- I'm not going, either.
- I'm not staying.
- We'll eat, we'll go.
- No coffee, no dessert.
- We can't be rude.
Watch me.
I refuse to let that woman - Hi, Mom.
- Better late than never.
- We're right on time.
- I was referring to the big picture.
Hi, Grandma.
And look, you brought Jake to meet my new beau.
Come here, sweetheart.
Now, tonight you and I are going to play a game.
And the name of the game is, "Don't call me Grandma.
" What kind of game is that? It's a fun game, honey.
It only has one rule.
You have to call me Evelyn.
- Okay.
- Try it.
- Evelyn.
- See? We're having fun already.
Look, you didn't bring wine.
Good.
Too many people bring wine.
Tommy, darling, I would like you to meet my sons.
This is Charlie.
- Charlie.
- Hi, Tommy.
How are you? - Alan.
- Hello.
- And this is Jake.
- Yes, I am, Evelyn.
Let's not beat it to death, okay? Good to meet you, Jake.
There you are.
Boys, this is Tommy's daughter, Olivia.
- Hello, Charlie.
- Hi there, stranger.
Do you two know each other? - I thought I knew him.
- Oh, no.
Okay.
Who would like a drink? I would like a drink.
Charlie, come help me make the drinks.
Alan, talk to Olivia.
Alan was a cesarean.
It wasn't medically necessary.
She just had a function to go to.
Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted? Come on, we went out a couple of times.
She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset.
Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy.
I am very happy for you.
- Goodnight.
- Charles.
You are not going anywhere.
This man is very important to me.
We are going to have a nice dinner.
You're going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
She wasn't exactly filed when I met her.
You don't know how lucky you are to have a mother like Evelyn.
She is the warmest, most affectionate, giving woman I have ever known.
That's my mom.
Call her Evelyn.
That's the game.
You play your game, I'll play mine.
- Here we are.
- There's my little karaoke cupcake.
Tommy, you are not telling that story.
We took one of those little cruises to Alaska.
Glaciers and whales, I didn't quite see the point of it all.
But during the evening there was this karaoke competition.
And as you know, I'm no stranger to the stage.
Yes Mom, I know.
Excuse me.
Anyway, you know how I have always sung These Boots Are Made for Walking, with my little dance routine.
Yes, Mom.
I have it on my wedding video.
- So, how've you been? - You know No, I don't know, Charlie.
When people don't return your calls, it's kind of hard to know how they have been.
Look, I know this is an awkward coincidence.
It's no coincidence.
When my father told me who he was dating, I made a point of being here.
You can't argue the awkward part, right? So, I am zipping up my boots, and I am about to go onstage when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf, Texas, gets up and starts singing my song.
I think you can imagine how unhappy I was.
Don't tell me to calm down.
You lied to me.
I did not lie to you.
And you could have told me this on the phone.
- You never answer your phone.
- Of course not.
Who wants to have this conversation? So, I sidled up to the woman and really very smoothly turned it in to a duet, when suddenly she starts pushing me.
- You said I was very special to you.
- You were.
- Yeah, me and three other women.
- I said you were special, not unique.
Drop dead, you bastard.
Excuse me! In my defense Screw it! Finish the story, Evelyn.
Did you push her back? Stupid musician's league.
I don't know why I bother.
Get this.
Tie score, we are down to our last out.
Our best hitter, Billy Kresky's up.
The bases are loaded, and so is Kresky.
His whole family is standing behind the backstop, crying and pleading, "Go back to rehab, Daddy, we love you!" Needless to say, he choked.
Charlie, I think we have got a bigger problem.
- Our mother is missing.
- Don't try to cheer me up.
I am serious.
I called her home, her car, her cell, nothing.
Did you check with the captain of the flying monkeys? Charlie! She's probably just sulking because I screwed up her dinner party last week.
That's what I thought, too.
Except I called her office and they haven't heard from her.
- Okay.
That's weird.
- Yeah.
I think somebody needs to go over there and make sure she's okay.
Good idea.
You do that and I'll stay here in case she calls.
Why don't you go and I will stay here in case she calls? No, I got to be honest, I like my idea better.
- I'm not going there alone.
- I'm not going at all.
What do you want to bet she ran off to Vegas to marry this Tommy guy? If that's all this is, great.
The only down side would be that you slept with our stepsister.
Hadn't thought of that.
Kinda sexy.
- Kinda sick.
- I'm saying.
Look, there is no one here.
Let's go.
No.
I want to take a look.
- You have a key? - I'm the good son.
Mom? Okay, she's not here.
Let's go.
Okay, she's here.
Let's go.
Charlie.
Mom, are you all right? Why haven't you been answering the phone? I didn't want to burden anyone with my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.
Tommy died? He is dead to me.
- Okay, what happened? - He dumped me.
Mom, I am sorry.
The thing between me and his daughter happened years before you met the guy.
This has nothing to do with you, Charlie.
God, you're a narcissist.
No, Tommy left me for some fresh-faced I am sorry, Mom.
I know he meant a lot to you.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, too.
Thank you, Alan.
Nice try, Charlie.
Now if you will both please leave, I'd like to be alone.
We understand.
Charlie, wait! We can't just leave her here.
Fine.
Where do you want to leave her? Mom, why don't you come back and stay at Charlie's house for a few days? - How is that? - Time out.
Don't worry, Charlie.
I have no desire to impose on your life.
Appreciate it.
All right then, chin up.
- You sure, Mom? - Yes.
Thank you, Alan.
Okay.
God! So close.
How long is she going to sit out there? I don't know.
I've never seen her this depressed.
Somebody's got to go out there and show her a little love and support.
- Jake! - Yeah.
Why don't you go out and talk to Grandma? - Why? - Because she's a little lonely.
- She's your mom.
- Don't sass me.
Go talk to Grandma.
- Hi, Evelyn.
- Please, sweetheart, call me Grandma.
- But what about the game? - Games are for children, Jake.
Uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.
That's nice.
But you know, that cool stuff is stuff that other people lost and will never get back.
Trinkets and treasures buried beneath the lonely sands of time.
- Yeah, but finders, keepers, right? - And losers, weepers.
- He's getting killed out there.
- It's all right, he's not crying yet.
Somebody needs to go out there and back him up.
$10 says it's not me.
What's going on with you The kid's got a bladder the size of a pea.
You were a bed wetter, if I recall.
You know what Jake would really get a kick out of? If you could sing while Charlie played the piano.
No, Alan.
I couldn't.
- Besides, Charlie always hated that.
- Are you kidding? It was his idea.
Pick it up, Charlie.
We are walking, not crawling.
"Are you ready, boots? Start walking.
" - Okay, now.
- One more time.
Mom, you okay? Yeah, go back to bed, Charlie.
No, I'm up.
It's hard to sleep after a big show.
Thank you for that.
Brought back some nice memories.
You still got some chops, Mom.
You were rushing the tempo towards the end there.
Sorry, I always get a little carried away when you do the James Brown medley.
Charlie.
Your mother's a real sad case, isn't she? You'll get over him.
There's other guys.
He never even called.
Never even said goodbye.
Maybe he was scared.
Of what? I knew there were no promises, no strings.
That doesn't mean there can't be common courtesy.
To think I mean that little to him? It will be okay, Mom.
You still got me and Alan.
Charlie, please.
I know how difficult things are between us.
Maybe it's my fault.
It's not all your fault.
I probably haven't been the best son.
I just want you to know that in my way, I want you to be happy and I love you.
I guess I'll go pack.
- Why? - I'm going home.
- In the middle of the night? - Charlie, you just said you loved me.
You could only screw it up from here.
Donkey Kong! - Danke Schoen.
- Danke Schoen.
Danke Schoen.
B flat.
One, two, three.
English