Two and a Half Men s04e23 Episode Script

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin

I don't have to go.
I mean,i'm sorry i have work to do, so you can't stay.
Didn't you hear me? I can stay.
Yeah,i wish you could But there's no way i'd be able to concentrate with you around.
Don't forget your sweater.
Oh,you are so thoughtful.
Most guys aren't.
Most guys are selfish,hateful bastards, who just want to use you and throw you away.
Damn them.
Anything else you might have overlooked- Cell phone,earrings?Any medications? Hang on.
Nope,i'm all set.
Okay,well,i'll see you soon.
- How soon? - Very soon.
- So you'll call? - What do you think? - I think you'll call.
- Well,there you go.
- So when will you call? - Soon.
- How soon? - We're back on this ride,huh? Okay,very soon.
Bye-bye now.
- When will i learn? - soon.
Very soon.
Don't tell me,tell the cockeyed optimist in my pants.
- So where'd you find this one? - The animal shelter.
- So,we getting a pet? - Are you crazy?We've already got your kid.
Then what were you doing there? Standing within earshot of attractive women and mumbling gee,i wish i could adopt them all.
It's foolproof.
Listen,there's something i need to talk to you about.
You know the difference between you and me,alan? I don't scream when i pee? I took care of that.
No,the difference between you and me is i have vision- i see what others don't.
Anyway,the thing i wanted to tell you You look at an animal shelter and see homeless dogs and kitties about to be put to death.
Me- i see an ass farm.
Okay,i'm speechless.
No words necessary.
Silent admiration is all i ask.
So,what is it you wanted to tell me? The railing's a little loose.
Two and A Half Men Season 04 Episode 23 oh,i got to stop falling off the deck sober.
Buenos dias.
Huevos rancheros.
How are you feeling? Like i feel eight feet onto splintered wood, wet sand and a dead crab.
I can only think your highly inflated ego might have broken your fall.
So where'd you find pancho bob villa out there? - You know those fliers that get left in your mailbox all the time? - Yeah.
Well,i take them and file them according to category.
Take-out menus,rug sales,carpet cleaning, plumbing,tiling Fernando was under handyman services You're going to live here forever,aren't you? He's licensed,he's bonded,he's punctual and he's reasonably priced.
Are you paying him? No,but i'm saving you 20% with this valuable coupon.
- Morning.
- Morning.
What in the heck is Oh,yum.
- Who is that? - He's a handyman.
Can we keep him?Can we,can we? - He's just here to fix the deck.
- Great.
There's a lot of work that can be done in here,too.
Like what? Well,for starters,that cabinet door's coming off its hinges.
Really? No,it's not.
Yeah,it is.
He looks parched.
I'll take him some rum.
See,my problem is,is that i'm a giver.
I love too much.
And it's always the wrong man.
- You have romance in your heart.
- Oh,i have romance all over me.
I reek of it.
Another mojito? Oh,no- one is my limit when i work with power tools.
That's smart.
We wouldn't want you to lose one of those beautiful thumbs.
- Berta? - What? - I just thought maybe it's almost lunchtime - Oh,yeah.
Quesadilla,bright eyes? - Thank you.
- Coming up.
Actually,i'd rather have a sandwich - I'm making quesadillas! - Quesadillas,fine.
So,fernando,how's it going? Oh,sorry to tell you this, but you have a problem here.
Just don't let her corner you in the laundry room and you'll be fine.
No,the deck.
When is the last time you put sealant on it? Well Uh What? Oh,ser,you cannot have wood untreated this close to the ocean.
The moisture,she gets in and rots it from the inside.
Where have i heard that before? Oh right,my doctor.
But it wasn't moisture,it was scotch.
You need to replace the entire railing, parts of the deck and the stairway to the beach.
Well,why can't i just put on some of that sealant? You could do that,but it would be, as we say order a una vaca muerta.
- What's that mean? - Milking a dead cow.
Well,maybe before i commit to all this work, i should get a second opinion.
I understand.
You are a smart and careful man.
But i would hurry up before your deck falls off.
Something else my doctor told me.
Oh,hang on,i'll see if he's here.
It's chloe.
I need more than that,alan.
The girl you adopted at the animal shelter.
- Oh,god,she won't leave me alone.
- What do you want me to say? - I don't know; tell her i'm sick.
- Okay.
- What do you have? - What are you talking about? Are you bedridden or ambulatory? - Bedridden.
- Got it.
- Is if viral or bacterial? - What? If i'm going to lie convincingly,i need details.
I don't know- i got a bug.
Intestinal or bronchial? - Just tell her i got the flu,all right? - Oh,good,the flu.
Is it coming out both ends? Just give me the freakin' phone.
No,it's okay,i want to talk to her.
No,i'm fine.
Just a little bug.
Doctor said i should be okay in a couple of weeks.
Me too,baby.
I'll call you.
Very soon.
See?Was that so hard? Well,to be fair,you had the advantage of making it a performance piece.
- Hey,dawgs.
- Hey,jake.
Alan,here,i need you to sign these papers for jake's summer school.
- Summer school,again? - Why not?He's getting good at it.
Oh,my lord.
Who is that? - That's my handyman.
- Really? I've been looking for a good handyman.
- Well,it's a little soon to know how good he is - I'll find out.
I'm starting to see a trend here.
That boney bitch! Yep,definitely a trend.
Summer school three years in a row.
They might as well just make you the janitor.
Yeah,well,school sucks.
That's because you go year-round.
Imagine if you had a couple months off in the summer.
If i were you,i'd start teaching him how to throw sawdust on vomit.
I can do that.
Why don't you just go start your homework? What's the point? I'm already going to summer school.
Jake And if i flunk there,what can they do? Send me to regular school? Go.
Actually,that sawdust job may be a pipe dream.
Is the big one gone? Yeah,she went to get something waxed.
We were scared to ask what.
I just wanted to tell you i was able to save you some money on the redwood.
Oh,that's terrific.
How? My cousin- he works at a lumberyard and That's all you need to know.
- Well,thanks.
- No problem.
I'll get back to work.
- I like this guy.
- Of course you do.
What's that supposed to mean? Charlie,he's a younger version of you.
Oh yeah,that must be it.
i'll get it.
There you go.
He could be a doorman.
- Charlie,i really don't appreciate - I'm not saying right away.
He could work his way up from doorstop.
- Uncle charlie,it's chloe.
- Aw,geez,did you let her in? No,she's on the front porch.
I told her i'd see if you were home.
See? He'll make doorman in no time.
- She brought soup.
- Why would she bring soup? You told her you had a bug.
So she assumed it was bronchial.
If you'd been more specific,like i suggested, you could have precluded this.
Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
And i bet they don't bring soup either.
All right,all right,i'm gonna sneak out the back door.
Just tell her i had a doctor's appointment.
Gp or specialist? Alan,i swear to god,i will rip off your head and use your neck as a bedpan.
Charlie,you cannot keep lying to this girl forever.
Oh,i think i can.
Just go out there and tell her you're not interested in a relationship and be done with it.
Yeah I guess you're right.
I say we eat the soup before you tell her.
Smelled like minestrone.
Listen,chloe,we need to talk Chloe? - Looks like your problem's solved.
- Are you crazy? That rat bastard is stealing my girlfriend.
Forget the girl,he's stealing our soup! Hey,baby,thanks so much for coming to see me.
Yeah,well,that's what friends are for.
So,um,charlie,did you know that fernando volunteers to build homeless shelters in his spare time? No,i didn't.
Did you know his cousin steals wood? Really?That is fascinating.
Why don't you come on inside,so we can visit.
I'll see you later,fernando.
Well,thank you for your thoughtful soup.
It nourishes my body as your beauty nourishes my soul.
Find something to saw.
- So,chloe,what's new? - Huh?Oh,nothing.
- What is he,like,colombian? - I don't know.
But i gotta tell you, i do feel much better seeing you.
God,it's like his eyes are looking inside your soul.
Yeah,kinda creepy.
The way he speaks,it's so romantic.
Hey,i almost forgot.
- I wrote you a song.
- Really? Well,chloe,you've been on my mind a lot, and i wanted to find a way to express my feelings.
What's it called? chloe's song.
I haven't put any words to it yet, but it goes something like this.
You should use those words.
Thanks again for stopping by.
- Yeah,i'm glad you're feeling better.
- So when am i gonna see you again? - Soon.
- How soon? I'll call you.
- Hasta luego,serita.
- oh,god Call me.
You have a beautiful lady,ser harper.
- Thank you.
- She must make you feel How do you say Young again? Yeah.
That's what i'm feeling.
Hey,listen,charlie,i was thinking- after fernando's done with the deck he could patch that hole in the roof where the squirrels get in.
- I don't think so.
- Why not? I like squirrels.
Hey,me too.
But they get into the crawl space, where they breed and die.
That's what i like about 'em,alan.
I like their little hands.
- Come on,charlie,all fernando would have to do- - forget fernando.
I'm having second thoughts about him even finishing the deck.
- What,you want to fire him? - I don't want to I just don't think his work is very professional.
I mean,he's wasting a lot of wood.
And you know,wood doesn't just grow on tree He's gotta go.
Charlie,you're not fooling anybody.
You're jealous.
Jealous? You know what's cooler than squirrels? Anteaters.
They're just crazy-lookin'.
I'm not jealous.
And their name tells you what to feed 'em.
Why would you say i'm jealous? I'm an omnivore.
That means i eat anything.
Yeah,we've noticed.
Now shut up.
I'm not jealous.
Charlie,you want to fire this guy just because he's younger and better-looking than you.
And he can sing.
This has nothing to do with that.
And i can sing too.
Yeah,but you stink.
Hey,i'm done for the day.
I'll see you in the morning? Hold on,fernando.
I want to talk to you.
Yes? - Never mind.
Good night.
- Is there a problem? Because i want everything to be perfect for you.
You're a good man and i respect you.
You remind me of my sainted father.
Thank you.
He was wise and strong until syphilis made him crazy.
Good night.
Buenas noches.
I thought you were gonna get rid of him.
Or did you go crazy there for a second? I don't know,i just I just couldn't.
Yeah,i think it's his eyes.
It's like they're looking right into my soul.
That's what mom said.
Women used to say that about my eyes.
Really?'Cause now they're kind of milky and bloodshot.
Actually,the one on the right is starting to look a little lazy.
You know,you're right.
Okay,okay,that's enough.
Come on,charlie,you can't expect to compete with a guy half your age.
I am not competing.
Well,you shouldn't,because it's perfectly natural.
Each generation passes the torch on to the next.
The child becomes the hunter,the hunter becomes the revered elder.
When you're too old to chase the buffalo, it's time to stay back with the old women and make necklaces.
Necklaces? Or weave blankets,tend the fire, teach the kids to whittle Buffaloes are cool,too.
They're like bad-ass cows.
- Charlie - Yeah,hi.
I was just in the neighborhood, and i thought i'd drop off your soup thermos.
What did you do to yourself? Me?Nothing,nothing.
I was just doing a little work outdoors, got some sun.
What's up with your teeth? Oh,i just brushed 'em real good.
- So,can i come in? - Oh,gee,charlie,i really Wish you would've called.
Ser harper I was,how do you say About to sleep with my girlfriend? Okay,about to.
I am so sorry.
I would understand if you fired me.
Hey,it's no big deal,pal.
This is the natural course of events.
You're the next generation young, vibrant,good-looking, you can buy chloe expensive jewelry I cannot buy her expensive jewelry.
Oh,right,that's me.
What do you say,chloe- want to go shopping? I'll go get my purse.
And yeah,you're fired.
Charlie,when are you coming back to bed? - Soon.
- How soon? I'll be right up,baby.
Okay Let me see if i got this right.
You bought diamonds for the girl you were trying to get rid of in order to win her from the handyman you fired.
I'm sensing some judgement here.
You're very astute.
Okay,first of all,i got fernando another job.
But the most important thing to remember is,i won.
You're a lecherous old guy who bought a young woman's affection with shiny baubles.
But i won.
Are you sure we cannot open up a window? No,i like it hot.
Okay,well,time for the victor to reap the spoils.
Oh,charlie,aren't you ashamed? Alan,you know the difference between you and me?