Two and a Half Men s05e12 Episode Script
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
-Excuse me.
-Gesundheit.
Sorry.
I hope I'm not coming down with something.
You think you might be?.
Well, I've been feeling a little congested, and I think it's settling in my chest.
That's certainly where I was planning to settle.
Maybe I should go home.
Let's not overreact.
We can still do this.
We just have to be careful.
What do you mean?.
Well, we can keep kissing but, you know, Amish-style with the tongues parked in the barn.
If you need to cough or sneeze, tap me on the shoulder and I'll cover your face with a pillow.
And.
-You can use this.
-Nasal spray.
Thank you.
That's so thoughtful.
Well, you are gonna need to breathe through your nose.
-Wanna see a movie today?.
-With you?.
-Yeah, with me.
-No, thanks.
Okay.
-Wanna do something else?.
-Like what?.
I don't know.
Anything.
Well, can we go to Les Girls, Girls, Girls?.
-What?.
-That place near the airport.
Looks real interesting.
I think it's French.
No, no, we're not going to Les Girls, Girls, Girls.
Then don't say we can do anything.
Okay, forget it.
-You really wanna do something?.
-Yes.
How about, drive me to the mall, so I can see a movie with friends and then you pick me up when we're done?.
And what am I supposed to do?.
Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls, Girls, Girls.
Who's going to Les Girls, Girls, Girls?.
-Nobody.
-Too bad.
Daytime's better.
Dancers are a little worse for wear, but they try harder.
Oh, God, I should have sent that woman home as soon as I saw the first snot bubble.
I'm done.
Me too.
Get dressed.
I'll drive you to the mall.
Cool.
Will you make me soup before you go?.
-I don't have time, Charlie.
-But I'm sick.
-Who's gonna take care of me?.
-What do you want me to say?.
Maybe if you bothered to develop a human relationship that involved more than the thoughtless exchange of bodily fluids, you'd have somebody to take care of you.
The whole time you were talking, you could have opened a can of soup.
Morning.
Hey, Berta.
What's wrong with you?.
I caught something.
There's a surprise.
Yeah, it's really bad.
Throat, sinuses, stomachaches, chills.
I swear to God, I feel like I'm gonna die.
Okay.
Well, good luck.
This is it.
I'm a goner.
Hello?.
Anybody here?.
Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie?.
Okay, then.
Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel.
Mommy, I don't feel good.
Oh, Charles, don't tell me you've got another case of the Bangkok drippy-drip.
No offense.
No, no, it's just a cold or a flu.
And this concerns me how?.
Well, I thought maybe you could come over and make me some soup or put a cool, wet cloth on my head.
Oh, darling, I'd love to.
But, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too.
All right, that does sound bad.
Oh, it is.
What was that?.
Oh, just my delirious fever babble.
Bye, dear.
All right.
I' m on my own.
Maybe a little fresh air and sunshine.
And nighttime cold medicine.
Fresh air, sunshine, and nighttime cold medicine.
And Scotch.
Fresh air, sunshine, nighttime cold medicine and Scotch.
Okay.
Just nighttime cold medicine and Scotch.
Hey, Charlie.
Rose?.
I thought you were in England.
I was asked to leave.
A little misunderstanding at Buckingham Palace.
So how are you?.
Not too good.
I'm sick.
Poor baby.
Isn't anybody taking care of you?.
No.
I'm all alone.
Well, that's just not right.
I'll take care of you.
-You will?.
-Of course.
Do you want me to make you some soup?.
I would love soup.
I asked everybody to make me soup.
You'd think I was asking for a kidney.
-What are you doing?.
-Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch.
I call it the Drunken Hulk.
No, sweetie.
I have something better.
I doubt it.
Well, this is new.
Just approved in Europe.
Oh, Europe.
Give me.
That's my little man.
Now I'll go and make you that soup.
Thank you.
Okay, Europe, let's see what you got.
That was a great pill.
What was in that pill?.
That's a great pill.
Don't you worry about that.
You just get your rest.
You know what else is great?.
You showed up exactly when I needed you the most.
It's like you're my guardian angel.
Hey, you think I can get another one of those pills?.
No, sweetie.
One's enough for now.
Just go to sleep.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night, Charlie.
Can you hear me?.
Listen closely to my voice.
You're very, very sick.
I'm very, very sick.
But don't worry.
Rose is gonna take care of you.
Rose is gonna take care of me.
Till death do us part.
I'm gonna need another pill.
Wouldn't kill you to thank me for dropping you off and picking you up.
Thank you for dropping me off and picking me up.
-Jake, Jake, wait.
-What?.
Okay, listen, I know you're getting to that age where you'd rather be with your friends than your old man, and that's okay.
It's completely normal for you to wanna take your first steps to manhood on your own.
I applaud that.
But I just hope that, while you're on this path, that every now and then you'll make an effort to carve out a little Dad time.
Well, that was humiliating.
Charlie?.
How are you feeling?.
-Rose?.
-Hi, Alan.
-What are you doing here?.
-Taking care of Charlie.
I'm very, very sick.
Go for it.
So how long are you back in town?.
As long as Charlie needs me.
Well, don't let that big baby take advantage of your good nature.
Don't worry, Berta.
I'm fine taking care of him.
Well, that's good, because nobody else wants to.
The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him.
-You're changing him?.
-Cleaning him?.
You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
I don't mind.
I'm a loving nurturer.
Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Potato, potato.
Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?.
Maybe.
We'll see how your uncle's feeling.
He's very, very sick.
So, basically, what we're saying here is you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Not anybody.
I wouldn't go with Hitler.
Charlie?.
I'm in here.
What are you doing out of bed?.
What do you think?.
Let me help you.
Yeah, Rose, I got this.
Just relax, sweetie.
I said I got it.
Let go.
You're sick.
You shouldn't be lifting anything.
All right.
I'm done.
Need a shake?.
No, thanks.
Okey-dokey.
Now let's get you back into bed.
Rose, I appreciate you taking care of me, but I'm thinking the worst is over.
That's your mind playing tricks on you.
If you start running around too soon, you'll relapse.
-Maybe get pneumonia.
-Pneumonia?.
Lungs fill up with fluid.
You can't breathe.
And you end up drowning in your own mucus.
You don't want that, do you?.
I don't wanna drown in anybody's mucus.
Of course, you don't.
Open.
Good boy.
I am really lucky to have you, Rose.
You know what, Charlie?.
I think we make our own luck.
-We do?.
-Well.
I do.
Rose?.
Hello?.
Anybody there?.
What the hell?.
Oh, that's not right.
Alan.
Alan.
Alan! What's the matter?.
How long have I been up here?.
-I don't know.
About two weeks?.
-Two weeks?.
Didn't you think to check on me?.
Well, frankly, everything was going so smoothly around here.
It never occurred to me.
-Are those knit booties?.
-What?.
-I don't know.
-Since when do you wear knit booties?.
Since when do I have turquoise fingernails?.
-Where's Rose?.
-She went to the movies with Jake.
God forbid my son should go anywhere with his father.
-I mean, I have tried everything-- -Alan, listen to me.
-You cannot let Rose back in this house.
-Why not?.
The cold pills she's been giving me are not cold pills.
-What do you think they are?.
-I don't know.
Something you give to elephants when they can't sleep.
-Elephants?.
-European elephants.
You know, I think you might be delirious.
-You really should lie down.
-Screw that.
I'm getting out before she comes back.
Are those comfy?.
Because they look really comfy.
Charlie.
What are you doing up?.
Stay away from me, Rose.
-What's wrong, honey?.
-Don't you call me honey.
Charlie, Charlie, you need to calm down.
Calm down?.
Thanks to her, I've been a drooling vegetable for weeks.
I was afraid of this.
He's running a very high fever.
-He's hallucinating.
-I am not running a fever.
Here, feel me.
I am not hot.
A little clammy and none too fresh, but not hot.
Just relax, baby.
You need your rest.
No, no, no, what I need is a lawyer.
Alan, please, you gotta believe me.
I am not sick.
I believe you.
Now, lay down.
-But, Alan.
-It's for your own good.
Okay.
Okay, you're right.
I'm crazy from the fever.
Not crazy, honey.
Just very, very sick.
Now, open up.
Good boy.
Swallow.
There you go.
Now, get some rest.
So does a guy have to be sick to get a pair of those booties?.
Thank God she wasn't using suppositories.
Son of a bitch.
Charlie, are you up?.
Alan.
-What are you doing?.
-Escaping.
Charlie, this isn't a good time.
I've already had my second cup of coffee.
Look, I don't know how long I've got.
Neither do l.
Oh, damn it.
She's out.
-Out of what?.
-Her freaking mind.
Charlie, where are you?.
Oh, God, she's coming.
Is your door locked?.
No.
Neither was my window.
Two mistakes I will never make again.
Charlie, are you in here?.
-Rose.
-Sorry, Alan.
Have you seen Charlie?.
Bathtub.
For God's sake, Alan, you're my brother.
Oh, Charlie, is this how you act after everything I've done for you?.
Yes.
This is how I act.
Playing Anne Frank in the bathtub.
Well, I give up.
I can't take care of you if you won't cooperate.
Oh, no, no, Rose.
Let's not be hasty.
It's been so nice these last couple of weeks.
What if Charlie promises to behave himself?.
I am not promising Nurse Ratched anything.
Well, then I guess I'll just leave.
-You're not leaving.
-I was bluffing.
-Rose.
-Darn.
I hope you are proud of yourself.
All she was trying to do was help.
No, no, no, that's not what she was trying to do.
This was all a plot.
It started with getting me sick.
She drugged me to keep me helpless so she could move in -and have her way with me.
-Oh, really?.
Rose got you sick.
Nothing to do with sticking your tongue down the throat of a flu-riddled bimbo?.
I'm not saying I know how she did it, but she did it.
Any idea how insane this makes you sound?.
I have proof.
Come on, I'll show you.
Charlie?.
Fine.
I'll wait outside.
I'm bored.
Wanna go see a movie?.
-Now?.
-Well, you got the listings there.
Jake, for the love of God.
Fine.
But don't say I never ask.
You'll see.
I have proof.
I didn't swallow the last pill, so we can have it analyzed.
Right.
I'll call CSl and have them run some tests.
I hid it under my pillow and-- Okay, I don't have proof.
Rose?.
Oh, hi, Lulu.
-How'd your plan work out?.
-Well, you were fine.
But I think I may have overplayed it.
If you wanna take another swing at him, I'm coming down with mono.
Oh, Charlie's already had mono.
Give me a call if you get mumps or whooping cough.
Will do.
Oh, Rose.
Oh, God, not another one.
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-Gesundheit.
Sorry.
I hope I'm not coming down with something.
You think you might be?.
Well, I've been feeling a little congested, and I think it's settling in my chest.
That's certainly where I was planning to settle.
Maybe I should go home.
Let's not overreact.
We can still do this.
We just have to be careful.
What do you mean?.
Well, we can keep kissing but, you know, Amish-style with the tongues parked in the barn.
If you need to cough or sneeze, tap me on the shoulder and I'll cover your face with a pillow.
And.
-You can use this.
-Nasal spray.
Thank you.
That's so thoughtful.
Well, you are gonna need to breathe through your nose.
-Wanna see a movie today?.
-With you?.
-Yeah, with me.
-No, thanks.
Okay.
-Wanna do something else?.
-Like what?.
I don't know.
Anything.
Well, can we go to Les Girls, Girls, Girls?.
-What?.
-That place near the airport.
Looks real interesting.
I think it's French.
No, no, we're not going to Les Girls, Girls, Girls.
Then don't say we can do anything.
Okay, forget it.
-You really wanna do something?.
-Yes.
How about, drive me to the mall, so I can see a movie with friends and then you pick me up when we're done?.
And what am I supposed to do?.
Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls, Girls, Girls.
Who's going to Les Girls, Girls, Girls?.
-Nobody.
-Too bad.
Daytime's better.
Dancers are a little worse for wear, but they try harder.
Oh, God, I should have sent that woman home as soon as I saw the first snot bubble.
I'm done.
Me too.
Get dressed.
I'll drive you to the mall.
Cool.
Will you make me soup before you go?.
-I don't have time, Charlie.
-But I'm sick.
-Who's gonna take care of me?.
-What do you want me to say?.
Maybe if you bothered to develop a human relationship that involved more than the thoughtless exchange of bodily fluids, you'd have somebody to take care of you.
The whole time you were talking, you could have opened a can of soup.
Morning.
Hey, Berta.
What's wrong with you?.
I caught something.
There's a surprise.
Yeah, it's really bad.
Throat, sinuses, stomachaches, chills.
I swear to God, I feel like I'm gonna die.
Okay.
Well, good luck.
This is it.
I'm a goner.
Hello?.
Anybody here?.
Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie?.
Okay, then.
Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel.
Mommy, I don't feel good.
Oh, Charles, don't tell me you've got another case of the Bangkok drippy-drip.
No offense.
No, no, it's just a cold or a flu.
And this concerns me how?.
Well, I thought maybe you could come over and make me some soup or put a cool, wet cloth on my head.
Oh, darling, I'd love to.
But, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too.
All right, that does sound bad.
Oh, it is.
What was that?.
Oh, just my delirious fever babble.
Bye, dear.
All right.
I' m on my own.
Maybe a little fresh air and sunshine.
And nighttime cold medicine.
Fresh air, sunshine, and nighttime cold medicine.
And Scotch.
Fresh air, sunshine, nighttime cold medicine and Scotch.
Okay.
Just nighttime cold medicine and Scotch.
Hey, Charlie.
Rose?.
I thought you were in England.
I was asked to leave.
A little misunderstanding at Buckingham Palace.
So how are you?.
Not too good.
I'm sick.
Poor baby.
Isn't anybody taking care of you?.
No.
I'm all alone.
Well, that's just not right.
I'll take care of you.
-You will?.
-Of course.
Do you want me to make you some soup?.
I would love soup.
I asked everybody to make me soup.
You'd think I was asking for a kidney.
-What are you doing?.
-Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch.
I call it the Drunken Hulk.
No, sweetie.
I have something better.
I doubt it.
Well, this is new.
Just approved in Europe.
Oh, Europe.
Give me.
That's my little man.
Now I'll go and make you that soup.
Thank you.
Okay, Europe, let's see what you got.
That was a great pill.
What was in that pill?.
That's a great pill.
Don't you worry about that.
You just get your rest.
You know what else is great?.
You showed up exactly when I needed you the most.
It's like you're my guardian angel.
Hey, you think I can get another one of those pills?.
No, sweetie.
One's enough for now.
Just go to sleep.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night, Charlie.
Can you hear me?.
Listen closely to my voice.
You're very, very sick.
I'm very, very sick.
But don't worry.
Rose is gonna take care of you.
Rose is gonna take care of me.
Till death do us part.
I'm gonna need another pill.
Wouldn't kill you to thank me for dropping you off and picking you up.
Thank you for dropping me off and picking me up.
-Jake, Jake, wait.
-What?.
Okay, listen, I know you're getting to that age where you'd rather be with your friends than your old man, and that's okay.
It's completely normal for you to wanna take your first steps to manhood on your own.
I applaud that.
But I just hope that, while you're on this path, that every now and then you'll make an effort to carve out a little Dad time.
Well, that was humiliating.
Charlie?.
How are you feeling?.
-Rose?.
-Hi, Alan.
-What are you doing here?.
-Taking care of Charlie.
I'm very, very sick.
Go for it.
So how long are you back in town?.
As long as Charlie needs me.
Well, don't let that big baby take advantage of your good nature.
Don't worry, Berta.
I'm fine taking care of him.
Well, that's good, because nobody else wants to.
The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him.
-You're changing him?.
-Cleaning him?.
You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
I don't mind.
I'm a loving nurturer.
Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Potato, potato.
Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?.
Maybe.
We'll see how your uncle's feeling.
He's very, very sick.
So, basically, what we're saying here is you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Not anybody.
I wouldn't go with Hitler.
Charlie?.
I'm in here.
What are you doing out of bed?.
What do you think?.
Let me help you.
Yeah, Rose, I got this.
Just relax, sweetie.
I said I got it.
Let go.
You're sick.
You shouldn't be lifting anything.
All right.
I'm done.
Need a shake?.
No, thanks.
Okey-dokey.
Now let's get you back into bed.
Rose, I appreciate you taking care of me, but I'm thinking the worst is over.
That's your mind playing tricks on you.
If you start running around too soon, you'll relapse.
-Maybe get pneumonia.
-Pneumonia?.
Lungs fill up with fluid.
You can't breathe.
And you end up drowning in your own mucus.
You don't want that, do you?.
I don't wanna drown in anybody's mucus.
Of course, you don't.
Open.
Good boy.
I am really lucky to have you, Rose.
You know what, Charlie?.
I think we make our own luck.
-We do?.
-Well.
I do.
Rose?.
Hello?.
Anybody there?.
What the hell?.
Oh, that's not right.
Alan.
Alan.
Alan! What's the matter?.
How long have I been up here?.
-I don't know.
About two weeks?.
-Two weeks?.
Didn't you think to check on me?.
Well, frankly, everything was going so smoothly around here.
It never occurred to me.
-Are those knit booties?.
-What?.
-I don't know.
-Since when do you wear knit booties?.
Since when do I have turquoise fingernails?.
-Where's Rose?.
-She went to the movies with Jake.
God forbid my son should go anywhere with his father.
-I mean, I have tried everything-- -Alan, listen to me.
-You cannot let Rose back in this house.
-Why not?.
The cold pills she's been giving me are not cold pills.
-What do you think they are?.
-I don't know.
Something you give to elephants when they can't sleep.
-Elephants?.
-European elephants.
You know, I think you might be delirious.
-You really should lie down.
-Screw that.
I'm getting out before she comes back.
Are those comfy?.
Because they look really comfy.
Charlie.
What are you doing up?.
Stay away from me, Rose.
-What's wrong, honey?.
-Don't you call me honey.
Charlie, Charlie, you need to calm down.
Calm down?.
Thanks to her, I've been a drooling vegetable for weeks.
I was afraid of this.
He's running a very high fever.
-He's hallucinating.
-I am not running a fever.
Here, feel me.
I am not hot.
A little clammy and none too fresh, but not hot.
Just relax, baby.
You need your rest.
No, no, no, what I need is a lawyer.
Alan, please, you gotta believe me.
I am not sick.
I believe you.
Now, lay down.
-But, Alan.
-It's for your own good.
Okay.
Okay, you're right.
I'm crazy from the fever.
Not crazy, honey.
Just very, very sick.
Now, open up.
Good boy.
Swallow.
There you go.
Now, get some rest.
So does a guy have to be sick to get a pair of those booties?.
Thank God she wasn't using suppositories.
Son of a bitch.
Charlie, are you up?.
Alan.
-What are you doing?.
-Escaping.
Charlie, this isn't a good time.
I've already had my second cup of coffee.
Look, I don't know how long I've got.
Neither do l.
Oh, damn it.
She's out.
-Out of what?.
-Her freaking mind.
Charlie, where are you?.
Oh, God, she's coming.
Is your door locked?.
No.
Neither was my window.
Two mistakes I will never make again.
Charlie, are you in here?.
-Rose.
-Sorry, Alan.
Have you seen Charlie?.
Bathtub.
For God's sake, Alan, you're my brother.
Oh, Charlie, is this how you act after everything I've done for you?.
Yes.
This is how I act.
Playing Anne Frank in the bathtub.
Well, I give up.
I can't take care of you if you won't cooperate.
Oh, no, no, Rose.
Let's not be hasty.
It's been so nice these last couple of weeks.
What if Charlie promises to behave himself?.
I am not promising Nurse Ratched anything.
Well, then I guess I'll just leave.
-You're not leaving.
-I was bluffing.
-Rose.
-Darn.
I hope you are proud of yourself.
All she was trying to do was help.
No, no, no, that's not what she was trying to do.
This was all a plot.
It started with getting me sick.
She drugged me to keep me helpless so she could move in -and have her way with me.
-Oh, really?.
Rose got you sick.
Nothing to do with sticking your tongue down the throat of a flu-riddled bimbo?.
I'm not saying I know how she did it, but she did it.
Any idea how insane this makes you sound?.
I have proof.
Come on, I'll show you.
Charlie?.
Fine.
I'll wait outside.
I'm bored.
Wanna go see a movie?.
-Now?.
-Well, you got the listings there.
Jake, for the love of God.
Fine.
But don't say I never ask.
You'll see.
I have proof.
I didn't swallow the last pill, so we can have it analyzed.
Right.
I'll call CSl and have them run some tests.
I hid it under my pillow and-- Okay, I don't have proof.
Rose?.
Oh, hi, Lulu.
-How'd your plan work out?.
-Well, you were fine.
But I think I may have overplayed it.
If you wanna take another swing at him, I'm coming down with mono.
Oh, Charlie's already had mono.
Give me a call if you get mumps or whooping cough.
Will do.
Oh, Rose.
Oh, God, not another one.
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