Two and a Half Men s07e22 Episode Script
This Is Not Gonna End Well
Man, I love German cars.
If you keep your nose clean and work hard someday you'll be able to park them for a living.
Excellent.
Why is my ass getting hot? You turned on the seat warmer.
Oh, good.
I was afraid I had another case of swamp ass.
Another case? Yeah, it happens every year around this time.
Only thing that helps is aloe vera and Vaseline.
- I see.
- Half a tube of each, right in the crack.
It's like squirting ketchup and mustard into a hot dog bun.
Then you, like, mash the sides together.
- Enough.
- Sorry.
You hungry? I'm getting hungry.
I may never eat again.
Yellow light.
- I'm slowing down.
- No, no, no.
Gun it, gun it.
Man, this thing is a rocket ship.
Okay, okay, now you can slow down.
Should I run for it? What are you, crazy? Pull over.
You told me to run the light.
My dad's gonna kill me.
Calm down, he's not gonna kill you.
How can I calm down? I just got my license and now I'm gonna lose it.
All right, all right.
Switch places with me.
- What? - Just do it.
- And give me your hat.
- You want my lucky hat? Yeah, I wanna share in your good fortune.
Good evening, officer.
Hey, where have you guys been? Van Nuys.
- What were you doing in Van Nuys? - That's where the jail is.
- What? - I got arrested.
You're kidding.
What for? Apparently, I ran a red light at 64 miles an hour.
And I was in the passenger seat.
Yes, I was driving, therefore you were in the passenger seat.
Anyway, it turns out I had a couple of unpaid parking tickets.
- Seventeen.
- Thank you.
They arrested you for unpaid tickets? Well, there was also a bench warrant when I didn't show up in court.
How could you not show up in court? Don't they send you a summons? Lots of them, but I threw them away.
I thought they were for jury duty.
When I didn't show up, they suspended my license.
And I was in the passenger seat.
You were driving with a suspended license? Only for a couple of years.
My license was fine, so when they took him to the station I followed in the Mercedes.
By the way, I reset all your radio stations to good stuff.
I'd like to be alone now, Jake.
Understandable.
You've been through a lot.
If you need anyone to drive you to the movies or the mall, or a strip club, I'm available.
- Appreciate it.
- You can relax in the passenger seat.
Like I did earlier today.
Get out.
Listen, I am sorry that you lost your license but I would be remiss if I did not point out what a bad example you're setting for Jake.
- Not now, Alan.
- No, I think now is exactly the right time.
That young man looks up to you.
And when he sees you disregard the rules of the road he's more likely to do it himself.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Are you really? Or are you just saying the words? Don't walk away when I am talking to you.
- I'm gonna count to three.
- Oh, that's mature.
Three.
Where was one and two? Hey.
Hey.
You know I was just trying to show concern for my son.
I do.
And you know I was just trying to cause severe nerve damage to your shoulder.
I do.
You know, we should maybe come up with some safe word like "pumpernickel.
" Sure, whatever.
You know, until you get your license back you can count on me to drive you wherever you need to go.
Thanks.
You know, of course, during the week I'm working.
- I know.
- Monday nights I'm at the senior center.
What are you doing at the senior center? Free Pilates class.
Pfft.
They don't even check IDs.
Tuesdays and Thursday nights they have water aerobics.
Wednesday is low-impact hip-hop and Friday is movie night.
This week is Cocoon.
Again.
And of course on Saturday, you know, I need to power down.
And Saturday night, maybe a date.
You're calling those magazines dates now? But, hey, any other time you need a ride, I'm your man.
- Wonderful.
- Sunday is usually good.
- Aha.
- Not this Sunday.
I got a little thing.
I know, but what does that have to do with Sunday? Cute, cute.
Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about this but, um, I was waiting for the right time.
Are you moving out? Ha, ha, ha.
No.
But that never ceases to be amusing.
Anyhoo, turns out I was invited to Chelsea's birthday party.
- What? You know, when she was living here, we were friends and we've remained friends.
- She invited you to her birthday party? - I won't go if you don't want me to.
- I don't want you to.
Okay.
Asked and answered, done and done.
I did buy her a lovely scarf.
Will it support your weight from a shower rod? Classic.
Of course, it might be a little awkward if I don't show.
- Why is that? - I volunteered to bring the ice.
Is that why you've been filling Ziploc bags with my ice cubes all week? It's exactly the same ice as the kind you pay for sans the fancy polar bear label.
I'm not gonna say this again.
Do not hang out with my ex-fiancée.
I hear you.
Loud and clear.
It's just so rare I get to socialize with people my own age.
What, there's no free nookie night at the senior center? Okay, what if I just go for cocktails and skipped dinner? - Three.
- Three.
- Alan, wake up.
- Pumpernickel! You gotta go to Chelsea's party.
Uh Okay.
If you don't, she's gonna know I told you not to.
That's possible.
It's a sure thing.
She knows you never pass up a free meal.
That's not true.
How many birthdays have you had at Denny's this year? All right.
So you gotta go to the party and let her know I'm doing fine without her.
- Okay.
- But you gotta be cool about it.
You know, like in passing.
Sure, sure.
How's this? Hey, Chelsea, happy birthday.
Charlie's doing fine without you and never wanders around the house in the middle of the night with a drink.
- Alan? - Yeah? You need teeth to say "pumpernickel.
" Got it.
Oh.
Alan, hi.
I hope I'm not here early.
The invite said 8.
And, uh, 8 it is.
Come on in.
Who is this? That's how you greet a guest? "Who is this?" Okay.
Who are you and what the hell you doing here so freaking early? This is Alan, Charlie's brother.
Oh.
Alan, I'm Ed.
Heard a lot about you.
Heard a lot about you too.
You know, you being in the Navy with Tom and you guys keeping in touch even though you were both married and now you're reunited.
Heh, heh.
Great song.
Reunited and it feels so good So where's the birthday girl? Taking a shower.
Women, huh? Always running late.
Heh, heh.
Bet you don't miss that.
I bought the ice.
Oh! I guess the bottom got wet.
You know how that is.
Because it happens to everybody, not because you're gay.
And I thought you were exaggerating.
And remember, lookie, no touchee.
- What's that? - A birthday present for Chelsea.
But you guys broke up.
Yeah, well, I bought it a couple of months ago.
- Why? - I thought that's when her birthday was.
Turns out I confused it with St.
Patrick's Day.
Are those real diamonds? - Yep.
- Burn.
What? You could have saved a lot of money with Cuban zirconium.
"Cuban" zirconium? Yeah.
Girls can't tell because it's just as sparkly as a diamond and it's cheap because it's from Cuba.
Good Lord, you're an idiot.
I'm not the one who wasted money on a bracelet for a girl who dumped me.
It's not a waste.
I'm still gonna give it to her.
In fact, come on, you're driving me to Chelsea's.
Did it occur to you that I might have plans? Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have plans? No, but there's a principle involved.
I'm just saying, there's a right way and there's a wrong way.
You need any condoms? - No.
Do you? - No.
I got a buttload.
A buttload, huh? You may need to read the instructions more carefully.
I don't get it.
Wait, wait, wait.
Have you used any of them yet? - Yeah, sure.
- For sex? Oh.
Um No.
For water balloons.
Well, keep a few in reserve because you're not really breeding stock.
- So, what are you looking for? - A birthday card for Chelsea.
Good idea.
Ha.
Look at this one.
It says, "I got you a birthday package.
" On the inside, it's a naked fat guy with a hole for you to pop your finger through.
- Mm, no.
- Are you sure? He really likes you.
Here we go.
"Wishing you the dreams of your heart, all the love in the world and the beautiful day you deserve for being special.
" That's not funny.
It's not supposed to be funny.
Yeah, well, mission accomplished.
Ha.
Look at this one.
It's an old lady with banana boobs and a dog looking at her.
Inside it says, "How many were in your litter?" That's not a birthday card.
It could be.
Write "happy birthday" inside.
I need a real birthday card.
Okay.
Here's one with a puppy on it.
"For someone very special on her birthday.
Each day is a beautiful gift to enjoy.
" That's pretty good.
And then you could cut a hole and pop your pinkie through and give that dog a bone.
I can't help you if you're not gonna work with me.
I'm really glad you came, Alan.
How could I not? We're friends.
I know, but I was afraid it might be uncomfortable for you.
No, no, don't be silly.
So that's it? No dinner, just finger foods? - Sorry.
- Oh, no, it's fine.
I can never have enough prosciutto and melon.
Hey, that'd be a good name for a singing act.
Prosciutto and Melon.
Heh, heh.
Ladies and gentlemen, the song stylings of Prosciutto and Melon.
There's an open mike night at the senior center.
I'm gonna use that.
Terrific.
- So how's he doing? - Who? - Alan.
- Oh, Charlie? He's doing fine.
Just fine.
Good, good.
In fact, he told me to tell you happy birthday.
Oh, that's nice.
Tell him I said thanks.
I will.
And I'm sure he'd say, you're welcome.
So how are you doing? And it's me asking, not Charlie.
I'm sure he'd be interested.
Not that I'd tell him, unless you want me to.
Do you want me to? Tell me how you're doing first and then we can decide.
- I'm doing fine, Alan.
- Good, good.
So's Charlie.
Heh, heh.
Can we change the subject? You're the one who brought it up, but sure.
You ever think about your dad and Ed having sex? "Happy birthday, thinking of you.
" What's wrong with it? It's, what do you call it? Redumbnent.
"Redumbnent"? Yeah.
You got her a present and you got her a birthday card.
You're obviously thinking of her.
Saying you're thinking of her is redumbnent.
So if you act like a moron, saying you're a moron would be redumbnent.
Now you're getting it.
Oh, buddy, you really shouldn't be walking around without a helmet.
- Wait here, I'll be right back.
- Why can't I go with you? Because I'm just gonna give Chelsea the bracelet and leave.
Bring me back a piece of cake.
Corner with a flower would be nice.
- What the hell are you doing? - Uh Checking for leaks? Listen I need you to go up and give Chelsea the present.
Why? Did you wuss out? No, no.
I just don't wanna make a scene.
Here, wuss, wuss, wuss.
Wuss, wuss, wuss.
Wuss, wuss.
Just take the bracelet, ring the doorbell, say: "Happy birthday.
This is from Uncle Charlie," and leave.
Can I get a piece of cake? Fine.
Grab a piece of cake.
If they haven't cut the cake, can I hang out? No.
I'm not gonna sit here waiting for you.
You don't really have a choice.
You're not allowed to drive.
What are you saying? Well, at the risk of being redumbnent, I'm saying I'll be having cake.
I can't believe I'm being blackmailed by Forrest Gump.
Should I tell her you're waiting out here? No.
Are you nuts? I was thinking it'd be a good way to get a second piece of cake.
Get out of here.
Run, Forrest, run.
What if I meet a cute girl up there? Would you mind walking home? Jake, I swear to God, do not make me get out of this car.
Excuse me, let's not forget who's doing who a favor here.
Go.
Yes, sir.
"Extra large"? Pfft.
Yeah, maybe if he wears it as a lucky hat.
So, what about the blond? Is she single? Yeah.
She's a little crazy.
Not a deal breaker.
The well-adjusted ones generally won't come near me.
Hey, Dad.
What are you doing here? Uncle Charlie wanted me to give Chelsea this present.
Here.
So have you cut the cake yet? - No.
- We haven't sung "Happy Birthday" yet.
Oh.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Chelsea Happy birthday to you Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Excuse me, I need to get some air.
Wasn't me.
I always claim them, you know that.
Come on, Skipper.
So where's the cake? Ah, jeez.
Oh, this is not gonna end well.
Charlie? Hey, Chels.
Happy birthday.
Uncle Charlie's gonna pay me to drive him back and forth to work? Oh, that's nice.
I'm ready.
I get to drive his car twice a day for three to six months depending on good behavior.
Move it, numb nuts.
Smart money's on six.
If you keep your nose clean and work hard someday you'll be able to park them for a living.
Excellent.
Why is my ass getting hot? You turned on the seat warmer.
Oh, good.
I was afraid I had another case of swamp ass.
Another case? Yeah, it happens every year around this time.
Only thing that helps is aloe vera and Vaseline.
- I see.
- Half a tube of each, right in the crack.
It's like squirting ketchup and mustard into a hot dog bun.
Then you, like, mash the sides together.
- Enough.
- Sorry.
You hungry? I'm getting hungry.
I may never eat again.
Yellow light.
- I'm slowing down.
- No, no, no.
Gun it, gun it.
Man, this thing is a rocket ship.
Okay, okay, now you can slow down.
Should I run for it? What are you, crazy? Pull over.
You told me to run the light.
My dad's gonna kill me.
Calm down, he's not gonna kill you.
How can I calm down? I just got my license and now I'm gonna lose it.
All right, all right.
Switch places with me.
- What? - Just do it.
- And give me your hat.
- You want my lucky hat? Yeah, I wanna share in your good fortune.
Good evening, officer.
Hey, where have you guys been? Van Nuys.
- What were you doing in Van Nuys? - That's where the jail is.
- What? - I got arrested.
You're kidding.
What for? Apparently, I ran a red light at 64 miles an hour.
And I was in the passenger seat.
Yes, I was driving, therefore you were in the passenger seat.
Anyway, it turns out I had a couple of unpaid parking tickets.
- Seventeen.
- Thank you.
They arrested you for unpaid tickets? Well, there was also a bench warrant when I didn't show up in court.
How could you not show up in court? Don't they send you a summons? Lots of them, but I threw them away.
I thought they were for jury duty.
When I didn't show up, they suspended my license.
And I was in the passenger seat.
You were driving with a suspended license? Only for a couple of years.
My license was fine, so when they took him to the station I followed in the Mercedes.
By the way, I reset all your radio stations to good stuff.
I'd like to be alone now, Jake.
Understandable.
You've been through a lot.
If you need anyone to drive you to the movies or the mall, or a strip club, I'm available.
- Appreciate it.
- You can relax in the passenger seat.
Like I did earlier today.
Get out.
Listen, I am sorry that you lost your license but I would be remiss if I did not point out what a bad example you're setting for Jake.
- Not now, Alan.
- No, I think now is exactly the right time.
That young man looks up to you.
And when he sees you disregard the rules of the road he's more likely to do it himself.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Are you really? Or are you just saying the words? Don't walk away when I am talking to you.
- I'm gonna count to three.
- Oh, that's mature.
Three.
Where was one and two? Hey.
Hey.
You know I was just trying to show concern for my son.
I do.
And you know I was just trying to cause severe nerve damage to your shoulder.
I do.
You know, we should maybe come up with some safe word like "pumpernickel.
" Sure, whatever.
You know, until you get your license back you can count on me to drive you wherever you need to go.
Thanks.
You know, of course, during the week I'm working.
- I know.
- Monday nights I'm at the senior center.
What are you doing at the senior center? Free Pilates class.
Pfft.
They don't even check IDs.
Tuesdays and Thursday nights they have water aerobics.
Wednesday is low-impact hip-hop and Friday is movie night.
This week is Cocoon.
Again.
And of course on Saturday, you know, I need to power down.
And Saturday night, maybe a date.
You're calling those magazines dates now? But, hey, any other time you need a ride, I'm your man.
- Wonderful.
- Sunday is usually good.
- Aha.
- Not this Sunday.
I got a little thing.
I know, but what does that have to do with Sunday? Cute, cute.
Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about this but, um, I was waiting for the right time.
Are you moving out? Ha, ha, ha.
No.
But that never ceases to be amusing.
Anyhoo, turns out I was invited to Chelsea's birthday party.
- What? You know, when she was living here, we were friends and we've remained friends.
- She invited you to her birthday party? - I won't go if you don't want me to.
- I don't want you to.
Okay.
Asked and answered, done and done.
I did buy her a lovely scarf.
Will it support your weight from a shower rod? Classic.
Of course, it might be a little awkward if I don't show.
- Why is that? - I volunteered to bring the ice.
Is that why you've been filling Ziploc bags with my ice cubes all week? It's exactly the same ice as the kind you pay for sans the fancy polar bear label.
I'm not gonna say this again.
Do not hang out with my ex-fiancée.
I hear you.
Loud and clear.
It's just so rare I get to socialize with people my own age.
What, there's no free nookie night at the senior center? Okay, what if I just go for cocktails and skipped dinner? - Three.
- Three.
- Alan, wake up.
- Pumpernickel! You gotta go to Chelsea's party.
Uh Okay.
If you don't, she's gonna know I told you not to.
That's possible.
It's a sure thing.
She knows you never pass up a free meal.
That's not true.
How many birthdays have you had at Denny's this year? All right.
So you gotta go to the party and let her know I'm doing fine without her.
- Okay.
- But you gotta be cool about it.
You know, like in passing.
Sure, sure.
How's this? Hey, Chelsea, happy birthday.
Charlie's doing fine without you and never wanders around the house in the middle of the night with a drink.
- Alan? - Yeah? You need teeth to say "pumpernickel.
" Got it.
Oh.
Alan, hi.
I hope I'm not here early.
The invite said 8.
And, uh, 8 it is.
Come on in.
Who is this? That's how you greet a guest? "Who is this?" Okay.
Who are you and what the hell you doing here so freaking early? This is Alan, Charlie's brother.
Oh.
Alan, I'm Ed.
Heard a lot about you.
Heard a lot about you too.
You know, you being in the Navy with Tom and you guys keeping in touch even though you were both married and now you're reunited.
Heh, heh.
Great song.
Reunited and it feels so good So where's the birthday girl? Taking a shower.
Women, huh? Always running late.
Heh, heh.
Bet you don't miss that.
I bought the ice.
Oh! I guess the bottom got wet.
You know how that is.
Because it happens to everybody, not because you're gay.
And I thought you were exaggerating.
And remember, lookie, no touchee.
- What's that? - A birthday present for Chelsea.
But you guys broke up.
Yeah, well, I bought it a couple of months ago.
- Why? - I thought that's when her birthday was.
Turns out I confused it with St.
Patrick's Day.
Are those real diamonds? - Yep.
- Burn.
What? You could have saved a lot of money with Cuban zirconium.
"Cuban" zirconium? Yeah.
Girls can't tell because it's just as sparkly as a diamond and it's cheap because it's from Cuba.
Good Lord, you're an idiot.
I'm not the one who wasted money on a bracelet for a girl who dumped me.
It's not a waste.
I'm still gonna give it to her.
In fact, come on, you're driving me to Chelsea's.
Did it occur to you that I might have plans? Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have plans? No, but there's a principle involved.
I'm just saying, there's a right way and there's a wrong way.
You need any condoms? - No.
Do you? - No.
I got a buttload.
A buttload, huh? You may need to read the instructions more carefully.
I don't get it.
Wait, wait, wait.
Have you used any of them yet? - Yeah, sure.
- For sex? Oh.
Um No.
For water balloons.
Well, keep a few in reserve because you're not really breeding stock.
- So, what are you looking for? - A birthday card for Chelsea.
Good idea.
Ha.
Look at this one.
It says, "I got you a birthday package.
" On the inside, it's a naked fat guy with a hole for you to pop your finger through.
- Mm, no.
- Are you sure? He really likes you.
Here we go.
"Wishing you the dreams of your heart, all the love in the world and the beautiful day you deserve for being special.
" That's not funny.
It's not supposed to be funny.
Yeah, well, mission accomplished.
Ha.
Look at this one.
It's an old lady with banana boobs and a dog looking at her.
Inside it says, "How many were in your litter?" That's not a birthday card.
It could be.
Write "happy birthday" inside.
I need a real birthday card.
Okay.
Here's one with a puppy on it.
"For someone very special on her birthday.
Each day is a beautiful gift to enjoy.
" That's pretty good.
And then you could cut a hole and pop your pinkie through and give that dog a bone.
I can't help you if you're not gonna work with me.
I'm really glad you came, Alan.
How could I not? We're friends.
I know, but I was afraid it might be uncomfortable for you.
No, no, don't be silly.
So that's it? No dinner, just finger foods? - Sorry.
- Oh, no, it's fine.
I can never have enough prosciutto and melon.
Hey, that'd be a good name for a singing act.
Prosciutto and Melon.
Heh, heh.
Ladies and gentlemen, the song stylings of Prosciutto and Melon.
There's an open mike night at the senior center.
I'm gonna use that.
Terrific.
- So how's he doing? - Who? - Alan.
- Oh, Charlie? He's doing fine.
Just fine.
Good, good.
In fact, he told me to tell you happy birthday.
Oh, that's nice.
Tell him I said thanks.
I will.
And I'm sure he'd say, you're welcome.
So how are you doing? And it's me asking, not Charlie.
I'm sure he'd be interested.
Not that I'd tell him, unless you want me to.
Do you want me to? Tell me how you're doing first and then we can decide.
- I'm doing fine, Alan.
- Good, good.
So's Charlie.
Heh, heh.
Can we change the subject? You're the one who brought it up, but sure.
You ever think about your dad and Ed having sex? "Happy birthday, thinking of you.
" What's wrong with it? It's, what do you call it? Redumbnent.
"Redumbnent"? Yeah.
You got her a present and you got her a birthday card.
You're obviously thinking of her.
Saying you're thinking of her is redumbnent.
So if you act like a moron, saying you're a moron would be redumbnent.
Now you're getting it.
Oh, buddy, you really shouldn't be walking around without a helmet.
- Wait here, I'll be right back.
- Why can't I go with you? Because I'm just gonna give Chelsea the bracelet and leave.
Bring me back a piece of cake.
Corner with a flower would be nice.
- What the hell are you doing? - Uh Checking for leaks? Listen I need you to go up and give Chelsea the present.
Why? Did you wuss out? No, no.
I just don't wanna make a scene.
Here, wuss, wuss, wuss.
Wuss, wuss, wuss.
Wuss, wuss.
Just take the bracelet, ring the doorbell, say: "Happy birthday.
This is from Uncle Charlie," and leave.
Can I get a piece of cake? Fine.
Grab a piece of cake.
If they haven't cut the cake, can I hang out? No.
I'm not gonna sit here waiting for you.
You don't really have a choice.
You're not allowed to drive.
What are you saying? Well, at the risk of being redumbnent, I'm saying I'll be having cake.
I can't believe I'm being blackmailed by Forrest Gump.
Should I tell her you're waiting out here? No.
Are you nuts? I was thinking it'd be a good way to get a second piece of cake.
Get out of here.
Run, Forrest, run.
What if I meet a cute girl up there? Would you mind walking home? Jake, I swear to God, do not make me get out of this car.
Excuse me, let's not forget who's doing who a favor here.
Go.
Yes, sir.
"Extra large"? Pfft.
Yeah, maybe if he wears it as a lucky hat.
So, what about the blond? Is she single? Yeah.
She's a little crazy.
Not a deal breaker.
The well-adjusted ones generally won't come near me.
Hey, Dad.
What are you doing here? Uncle Charlie wanted me to give Chelsea this present.
Here.
So have you cut the cake yet? - No.
- We haven't sung "Happy Birthday" yet.
Oh.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Chelsea Happy birthday to you Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Excuse me, I need to get some air.
Wasn't me.
I always claim them, you know that.
Come on, Skipper.
So where's the cake? Ah, jeez.
Oh, this is not gonna end well.
Charlie? Hey, Chels.
Happy birthday.
Uncle Charlie's gonna pay me to drive him back and forth to work? Oh, that's nice.
I'm ready.
I get to drive his car twice a day for three to six months depending on good behavior.
Move it, numb nuts.
Smart money's on six.