Two and a Half Men s09e14 Episode Script

Walden, are you almost ready? Almost.
How is it possible that I am always ready before you are? Hey, it takes a lot of work to make it look like I don't care how I look.
Please, let's go.
I'm starving.
Just give me a minute.
I'm having a bad beard day.
Is there such a thing as a good beard day? Absolutely.
Usually I wake up, and it's all soft and fluffy, but I must have slept on it wrong, 'cause this side's, like, flat and listless.
Oh, if it's causing you such problems, why don't you just shave it off? I thought you loved my beard.
No, I never said that.
Then why'd you go out with me in the first place? I don't judge a person by what's on the surface.
Yeah, but yet you're asking me to shave my surface.
Yes, please.
Wow.
I mean, is there anything else about me that's not working for you? As long as you ask, I'm not crazy about the Jennifer Aniston hairdo.
Okay.
This is I'm-I'm I'm a little I'm a little confused here.
I thought you liked the way I looked.
Oh, I do.
I do.
I just think I'd like it better if the ratio of hair to face was more on the face side of things.
Well, I will definitely give it some thought.
Oh.
I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.
Although, to be fair, I did remove some hair for you.
After I almost choked to death.
Okay, just need to post a profile picture, and let the dating begin.
Whoa.
To Catch a Predator.
Hello, sailor! Wow.
More chins than a Chinese phone book.
Hey.
We're heading out.
Have a nice dinner.
What are you going to do tonight? Well, I don't want to jinx myself, but I'm hoping to rub one out and be asleep by 10:00.
Rub one out? Oh, he's gonna wait till we leave, watch some porn and masturbate.
Ah.
Oh.
Ick.
You know what? Don't just hang out here alone.
Why don't you just join us for dinner? Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want to be a third wheel.
You two kids have a great time.
Thank you.
No.
We insist.
Tell him, Zoey.
Do join us, won't you? Great.
Rain check.
Where we eating? I was thinking about trying out that new Italian place on PCH.
Ooh, really? Italian? That's kind of heavy.
What are you in the mood for? Oh, no, no.
It's your night.
I'm just tagging along.
I was rather looking forward to Italian, so Well, you heard her.
The queen wants pasta.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Men Darling, you have some crumbs.
Oh.
Thank you.
Mm.
That's another advantage of having a beard.
After dinner, you always have something left to snack on.
Charming.
She's not crazy about the facial hair.
Oh, are you kidding? He looks so rugged and sexy.
Grr.
Well, if it's such a wonderful look, why don't you grow a beard? Oh, I tried.
Grew in patchy.
I looked like a possum on chemo.
Oh.
Well, I think most women would agree that men look much more attractive when they're properly groomed.
Really? I've always been properly groomed, and all it's gotten me is two divorces and carpal tunnel syndrome.
Oh.
Ick.
Alan, check out the bar.
Oh.
Wow.
She looks fantastic.
Who's that? It's Alan's old girlfriend.
You're joking.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Well done.
Well done.
Alan, go say hello to her.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, as much as I'd like to see her, I'm not sure she still wants to see me.
Uh, it didn't end well.
What happened? Did she catch you rubbing one out? - Did I say that right? - That was perfect.
Yeah? Okay.
Just go say hello to her.
Well, guess it couldn't hurt.
I mean, she does look a little pathetic just sitting there all by herself waiting to get hit on by some loser.
By all means, save her from that.
All right, wish me luck.
Good luck.
Go get 'em.
Seriously, what's wrong with her? Hey, stranger.
Alan! Hi! How have you been? Uh, good.
Good.
You? Real good.
Well, you look beautiful.
Thank you.
Yeah, I've been working out.
Good.
Good, good.
So, uh, what are you doing here all by yourself? - Oh, well - Sorry.
I don't think that valet has ever driven a Ferrari before.
Alan, this is my friend Dylan.
Dylan, this is Alan.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, Alan.
Uh, Dylan, huh? Uh, named after Bob? No, named after my dad.
He was named after Bob.
Okay.
Okay.
Uh, well, it was nice to meet you.
Uh, Lyndsey, it's always great to see you.
Um, I-I should get back to my date.
Yeah, Walden's trying to set me up with his baby sister.
She's very pretty.
Oh, yeah, she's okay.
Uh, it's a very close family.
Seems overly complicated.
What? Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on 'em? Dude.
Dude that's a million-dollar idea.
What is? Pre-dipped chips.
See, that's a million-dollar idea.
What's a million-dollar idea? It's an idea worth a million dollars.
Boy, I wish I had one of those.
I can't believe they brought back Beavis and Butt-Head.
Yeah.
Those guys are, like, too stupid to live.
Uh-oh.
That's my dad.
Quick, give me that air freshener.
This is bug spray, dude.
Says it's for roaches.
Perfect.
Just forget about her, Alan.
I'm sure Zoey has some single friends she can fix you up with.
No, I don't.
Sorry.
I just can't get over how young the guy is.
Well, a clean-shaven face will do that for a man.
Well, thanks again for dinner.
I really thought I was gonna eat both lobsters.
You really don't have any single friends? Shh.
Just keep walking.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, my God! Is that bug spray? Yeah, we were just getting rid of some roaches.
Maybe we need to call an exterminator.
I think we need to call Domino's.
Mind if I hang out with you guys? Sure.
Who's dumber than Beavis and Butt-Head? Oh, hey, Eldridge, I ran into your mom tonight.
Really? Was she with Dylan? Yeah, yeah.
Have you met him? What's he like? Is it serious? I doubt it.
He's gay.
What? He's gay? Oh, yeah, big poof.
Always hugging me a little too long.
Wait.
Are we talking about the guy with the Ferrari? Yeah.
Dylan.
I once saw him wearing my mom's underwear.
Oh, well, that doesn't mean he's gay.
He He might just like pretty things.
Um, does your mom ever mention me? Yeah.
Yeah, all the time.
She really misses you.
You should stop by some time.
Huh.
Well, it's not too late.
Maybe I'll wander over there and carpe me some diem.
Way to get rid of him.
Thanks.
Was any of it true? Not a word.
What does "carpe me some diem" mean? It's French for "bang your mom.
" Men.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hang on.
Beard.
Oh, please.
I know what you're trying to do.
What? Do you really hate my beard that much? "Hate" is a very strong word.
But, yeah, I hate it.
Okay, I don't understand.
We've been going out for a couple months.
Why is it all of a sudden the problem? All right.
This is probably going to sound very shallow, but there's a cocktail party at my office this weekend, and since I'm on the fast track to make partner, I'd rather not show up with Hipster Jesus.
You're right, that did sound shallow.
I'm sorry.
But if it's that important to you and the people you work with-- who obviously have never heard of Steve Wozniak, Richard Branson or freakin' Santa Claus I'll do it.
Really? Yes, really.
And you'll cut the hair, too? Aw, man! Fine.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now, what can I do to make you happy? Well Besides that.
Aw.
Oh, Dylan! Oh, yes, Dylan! Oh! Yes! Dylan! Yes! Dylan! Big poof, my ass.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I hate that kid.
Yes, Dylan! Yes! Men.
So why'd you quit being a hairdresser? They shut down the prison.
You were in prison? No, I was a prison barber.
Which, to be honest, was mostly about lice control and trading sex for cigarettes.
What's going on? I'm getting cleaned up for Zoey's office party.
Wow.
So you finally caved.
I did not cave.
Just want to make her happy.
Oh, yeah, I get it.
I've spent my whole life doing what I'm told to make women happy.
No, Zoey didn't order me to shave or cut my hair.
It's my choice.
Yeah, and when I was married to Judith, it was my choice to get a vasectomy, a new kitchen and a Labradoodle with diarrhea.
Ooh.
Excuse me.
Hey, Lyndsey.
All right, Samson, what do you want? Look pretty for your cell mate or the death row special? Yeah, yeah, it was good to see you, too.
W-What? Yeah, I-I would love to-to get together.
Uh, tomorrow night? Great, I-I'll see you then.
Huh.
She's dating a young, good-looking stud with money.
Why would she want to see me? Maybe she needs a kidney.
Men.
Surprise.
Walden, you promised.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I just, I couldn't do it.
Then why did you tell me you would? Because I wanted you to stop nagging me.
Are you calling me a nag? No, I did not say that.
I said you were nagging.
What's the difference? Obviously the "ging.
" Walden, you gave me your word.
I-I was gonna go through with it, and then I realized this is who I am, and if you don't like me for who I am, then what's the point? The point is you lied to me! N-No, it wasn't a lie.
I meant it when I said it.
But you said it to stop me "nagging!" That's right.
No, that's wrong! No, what you were trying to make me do-- that's wrong.
Now, are we going to your stupid office party or what? Okay, so I guess you're going with the "or what!" You know what, thank you for showing me your true colors before I fell hopelessly in love with you! Uh-oh.
Excuse me? Men.
I have missed you so much.
I missed you, too.
Uh, maybe this is the wrong time to ask this, but don't you have a boyfriend? We broke up.
So you left Dylan for me? Don't be silly.
Wait, wait.
So-So he left you? No.
O-Okay, I'm confused.
Do you really want to know? Actually, I think I'm good.
Do you have any idea how exhausting it is going out with a gorgeous If I said "yes," this would be a whole different conversation.
Let me give you an example.
Every morning, I had to get up an hour before him to put on makeup so he wouldn't open his eyes and think he just nailed his mom.
Nobody wants that.
And that's not the worst part.
A man his age wants to have sex constantly.
And that's a problem? After a certain point, yes.
There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire that's burning between my legs.
Um Well, the fire between my legs just went out.
I mean, the entire time I was with him, I walked out of the bedroom backwards so he wouldn't see my ass.
What's wrong with your ass? Oh, Alan.
That's why I've missed you so much.
I-I don't get it.
Your standards are so much lower than Dylan's.
I don't have to worry about disappointing you.
I do set a low bar.
Or worry about you leaving me for a younger woman.
- Why not? - You can't get one.
And you want to know the best part? It gets better? I could sit here and fart like a buffalo, and you'd still want to be with me.
Well, with age comes wisdom.
A fella learns to breathe through his mouth.
Come here, you.
You're testing me, aren't you? I am.
Hang on.
Whew! That's a dead buffalo.
- Oh, hey, Zoey.
- Hi, Alan.
Is Walden here? Uh, you know, I'm not sure.
I haven't seen him all day.
Uh, Walden, you up there?! Coming! Uh, oh, Lyndsey, Zoey.
Zoey, Lyndsey.
Hi.
Hi.
We just got back together.
Really? Oh, did that lovely boy die? Zoey? Hmm? Oh, my God.
Look at you.
You like it? Like it? I'm tempted to rub one out.
But why? Well, it turns out, when you weren't nagging me to do it, I wanted to.
What are you doing here? I came to apologize for nagging.
I had no right to try and change you.
Thank you.
I also hoped you might elaborate on that "falling in love" comment.
I don't know what you're talking about.
All right then, come with me.
Where are we going? I want to test drive this new face of yours.
Oh.
Hop on! That poor girl.
Yeah, he looks younger and prettier than before.
She's gonna have to hold in her farts till the Fourth of July.
Mm-hmm.
Men.
Here's your cranberry juice.
Thank you.
So, uh, how will you know when your lady problems have cleared up? I'll be able to pee without screaming.
Thanks so much for letting me use your loo.
Oh, any time.
I know it's silly, but I just don't want Walden to hear any of my bathroom noises.
I totally understand.
Thank you.
Night.
Good night.
Dylan took me to Hawaii for a week, I didn't crap once.
Is that so? Thank God he fell asleep on the flight back.
Why's that? Gave me a chance to unload.
I put the first-class lavatory totally out of commission.
Really? Yeah.
Stewardess thought it was a terrorist attack.
All right, good night.
Yeah, o-okay.
Good night.
They don't have what we have.
No, they don't.