Two Doors Down (2016) s04e05 Episode Script


1 This programme contains strong language.
Oh, for God's sake.
It's even out here as well.
Sawdust everywhere, Alan.
What a mess.
It's no' that bad.
It's like a hamster's den, Alan.
Look at it.
Right, come on.
DOORBELL RINGS Did you put your pyjamas in here? No.
You what? What were you going to sleep in? Just my pants.
Oh, you cannae spend the night at somebody else's house and sleep in your pants.
How no'? Cos we're guests, Alan.
Will I go back and get a pair of boxers? No, just leave it.
Christ's sake.
And you watch your language while you're in here as well, please.
Hi, there.
How's it all going? Oh, don't ask.
Dust everywhere.
Oh, really? Aye.
All the way up the crack of my arse.
Well, in you come.
Have you had a look in Next? They've got some nice stuff.
Oh, yeah.
That's an idea.
My friend Maggie works there.
I get a discount.
Oh! I got pants for four pound, Eric.
Did you? Aye, good stretchy ones, and a white vest, but it got sent back.
She said it made me look like I was in the BNP.
I tell you where I like - John Lewis.
Oh, I like John Lewis.
Aye, they've got some nice stuff.
Fucking dear, though, Eric.
OK, everyone done? That was lovely, Beth, thanks.
SHE CLEARS THROA Oh, thanks very much, Beth.
I thoroughly enjoyed that.
You're very welcome.
Your mash was brilliant.
Dead smooth.
Normally, I've got to squash the lumps out of hers with a fork.
Oh, did I give you too many carrots? Oh, no, I don't really eat veg.
No? Oh, I'm always on at him to try and eat better, Beth.
Oh, I'm just the same with Eric.
She's always on at me, full stop.
Aye, so is she! Women, eh, Eric? Pain in the arse.
Do you like rhubarb? Eh? Rhubarb.
Do you like rhubarb? Erm, I don't mind it.
Ho-ho-ho! Look at this! Oh! It's out of Pat's garden.
It's rampant in behind her hut.
She didn't even know it was there.
She only discovered it when she went up to tip the oil out of her fryer.
Aye, I see.
Well, where will I put it? Sorry? Where'll I put it? Maybe put it in the kitchen for now, eh? She says she's washed it, but I've seen cats go in behind that hut with their tails up.
Oh, hi, Christine.
Do yous like rhubarb? Sorry? Rhubarb.
I've got rhubarb here fae Pat's garden.
Look at that, Eric.
Oh, aye.
Let's see it.
Are you a rhubarb man, are you, Alan? Naw.
Smells a bit funny, does it no'? I'll just take it through to the kitchen and give it a quick wash.
So, does she grow a lot of stuff, then, does she? No, she didn't even know it was there.
We think it's maybe all come from a seed that was dropped in a bird shite.
So, how are you doing, Christine? Och, no' bad, Michelle, no' bad.
And how's your daughter getting on? Aye, she's all right.
She's still living in Wales, and she's got a urine infection.
Don't know which one's worse.
What about yourselves? Oh, busy, busy.
Just trying to get this house in order.
Oh, aye, what's the latest? Sanding the floors.
What you sanding the floors for? Well, we're going to strip them right back, and then we're going to varnish them.
Eh? We're gonnae have wooden floors.
What, nae carpets? Nope.
Bare wood floors? I really like it.
I think it's, like, really natural.
I'll tell you what's natural, love.
A fucking carpet in your hoose.
Michelle, would you like a cup of tea? Oh, I won't, thanks.
It's too late for me, but I'll maybe take a glass of water to my bed, if that's OK.
Are you staying the night? We are.
Beth and Eric very kindly offered us a room for the night, seeing as there's so much dust and stuff in that house.
No problem, Michelle.
We were gonnae go to a hotel.
My mate gets a discount on one in East Kilbride, where he takes a girl out his office at lunchtime.
Anyway, it's just for tonight.
The dust drives me nuts.
I actually think I might be a wee bit asthmatic.
I've got an inhaler that I found on the bus.
Do you want me to nip next door and see if I can find it? Oh, no, no.
Don't go to any trouble.
Fair enough.
Does it not bother you, Alan? I mean, you've been in there all day.
No, I've had one of they wee masks on.
Ah, that stops the dust going up your nose, doesn't it? Aye.
Doesnae stop it fae going up your arse, though.
Eh Uh-huh.
Good big mugs you've got, Beth.
Oh, right.
Glad you like them.
I've got a big one I sometimes have my soup in, Alan.
Oh, have you? Aye, a big Sports Direct one.
Pat got me it for my birthday.
Eric, Sports Direct.
Er Aye, it's good in there.
Good for bags.
I'm needing a new bag.
Aye? Well, you should go in there, then.
Aye, but is it bags or rucksacks? Well, just Because I'm no' wanting a rucksack.
No? No, I'm carrying enough on my front without sticking a load on my back as well.
Oh, here, let me do that.
No, no.
Och, leave it, Michelle, she'll do it.
No, honestly, Beth.
It's just a few mugs.
I feel like we've sat here all night and done absolutely nothing.
It's been brilliant.
ERIC CHUCKLES Honestly, you didn't need to bother.
Oh, no, it's the least I can do.
In fact, see as soon as we're all sorted, Beth, I'm going to treat you to a bite to eat.
Michelle! No arguments.
I insist.
You know, there's a great wee place in town does a lovely afternoon tea.
Beautiful cakes and pastries and stuff.
Sounds very nice.
I think you'll really like it.
I've been with Alan, but I've been meaning to go back.
Food was good, was it? Yeah.
Well, the bits I had, yeah.
You know what Alan's like.
Even a bit of linoleum, Alan - but bare floorboards? Why don't you just shift your toilet oot into a hut while you're at it? Listen, we should really be getting up to our beds and get out your way.
Oh, no, not at all, Michelle.
Sit as long as you want.
Eric, you ever sit in a chair all day and just watch cartoons? No, no, we'll go up the stairs and give you some time to yourselves.
Ah, bless you, Michelle.
You get away up, hen, and I'll get a couple of hours with Beth, one to one.
Oh, ya bastard! Alan! Sorry, I've got sawdust right up my arsehole.
Oh, you cannae go to your bed like that.
Some of it's coming oot.
Oh, Michelle, you'll no' get a wink, him lying next to you, clawing at himself like that.
It's everywhere! It'll get all over your sheets, Beth.
Oh, we'll get up early.
I'll strip the bed, Beth.
We'll take them and wash them.
No, no.
Don't be daft.
We'll see to that.
If it gets into your mattress, then you know what'll happen next.
What? Mites.
And then you'll all have your hands doon your pants.
Would you like a shower, Alan? It is bad.
Oh, has he been working in there all day? Well, yeah.
Oh, well, it's no' a shower you're needing, son.
It's a hot bath, a good hot bath, soak your muscles and then clean oot your bum.
You're welcome to a bath if you'd like, Alan.
No, no.
He can have a quick shower.
I dae prefer a bath.
Have a bath if you want, Alan.
I'll run you a bath.
No bother.
MICHELLE SIGHS I do sympathise with you, Alan.
I got a large amount of sand trapped in my swimsuit when I was in the Algarve.
It took Sophie hours to clean me off with the shower head.
WATER RUNS OK, and there's more towels there if you need them.
Thanks, Beth.
And just help yourself to shower gel and what have you.
Have you got Lynx? Er, no.
Is it Boots? I don't know.
Never mind.
All right? Aye, well, I was just thinking, once I come oot my bath and I've dried myself, what am I going to put on? What do you mean? Well, I cannae put this stuff back on.
Did you not bring anything else with you? No, I was just gonnae sleep in my pants, but it's the dust INSIDE my pants that's making me itchy.
Well, I can probably lend you a pair of Eric's pyjamas.
No, I can't wear jammies.
Why not? They make my legs too hot.
OK, so, what about a dressing gown? Aye.
So, you put on Eric's dressing gown, and Aye, I'll put that on to come doon and say night-night, and then I'll just sleep in the buff.
Rhubarb crumble, rhubarb yoghurt, and then sometimes, I just like to keep it simple.
Just stewed, with a wee bit of custard, Michelle.
Then, of course, there's your rhubarb chutney.
That, with a big bit of your good Cathedral City - oh, now you're talking.
DOORBELL RINGS Who's that? I'll get it! Hey! Hi, Colin.
Cathy and I have just been for a meal.
Veal, Beth.
Absolutely incredible.
Some size of portions as well.
Cathy actually couldnae finish hers.
Well, she could, but she wanted to leave space for a bit more wine.
Really? Anyway, the wee waiter guy comes along to clean up the plates, and he says, "Are you wanting that away with you in a wee bag?" And Cathy says, "No, you're all right.
"We don't eat leftovers.
" And I says, "Hang on, Cath, we don't eat leftovers, "but we know a woman who does!" Ah! Er Thank you, Colin.
Would you like to come in? Er, Alan and Michelle are here.
Is she? I mean, are they? Right, wait.
I'll just text Cath.
See if she's finished.
Where is she? Mmm? Oh, she's just nipped in to be sick.
Hi, everyone.
Hi, Cathy.
Oh, there's Michelle.
Hi, Michelle.
We've been eating veal.
How are you doing, Michelle? You're looking well.
What have you been eating? Veal.
It's cow before it's beef, Christine.
Eric, bit of veal? Aye, I don't mind it.
Well, Beth's got a bit in there for you.
Tender as anything.
I mean, you know, they have a rough time in those trucks, but it really is worth it.
Oh, this is your lucky night, Beth.
I brought her in a big load of rhubarb, and now you're coming in and giving her meat! Do you like rhubarb, Cathy? No.
Tea or coffee, anyone? Oh, I had a coffee at the restaurant, Beth, so it'll just need to be a glass of wine for me.
Colin? Tea.
No, coff No, actually, I'll I'll have a glass of wine, too.
So, what brings you in here tonight, then, Michelle? Oh, we're doing a bit of work in the house, and Beth said we could stay, just cos there's quite a lot of mess.
You're staying the night? Yeah.
Colin, she's staying the night.
Aye, Alan's up having a bath.
Alan's having a bath?! COLIN: You in next, Michelle? Well, why is Alan having a bath? Well, he's Dusty baws, Cathy.
What is it you're doing to the house? Oh, sanding the floors.
Aye, they're having wooden floors, wi' no carpet.
Oh, sounds smashing! Yeah, it's great for sliding in your socks, eh, Michelle? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, what? What is it you're doing again, Michelle? Well, we've got rid of all of the carpets, and we're sanding the floors, and then going to varnish them, and get some nice big rugs to go down.
But that That sounds quite nice, Colin.
Hang aboot, hang aboot.
You're getting rid of a carpet, sanding a floor, and then putting a rug doon on top of it? This is fucking madness.
Why didn't you just go to a hotel, Michelle? Oh, well, Beth offered.
No, I offered her and Alan if they wanted to stay the night.
Stay any time you want.
It's been a good wee night.
Oh, has it, Eric, yeah? Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, nice for you too, Michelle, sitting there while Beth runs around after you.
Oh, well, I've told her I'll treat her to a nice afternoon tea, just to see thanks.
Oh, there's one they do, Beth, where you get a glass of prosecco along with it.
We'll maybe do that, eh? I'd love that.
All right? Hey, look who it is! How you doing? You had your bath? I did, aye.
Oh, hi, Alan.
Look at you in your big dressing gown, like a freshly bathed baby.
Is that you got it all cleared oot? Aye.
I feel better.
Did you get some talcum powder on, did you? See, I like that after a bath, Michelle.
Helps your pants slide up.
What'll I dae with these? What is it? Well, it's the stuff I had on.
Well, are you no' gonnae put it back on? Well, I cannae.
Why? Well, it's all covered in dust.
What's the matter? Eh, this is all the stuff I was wearing.
Oh, well, you'll need to get that washed.
His pants were full of sawdust, Colin.
Oor machine's oot the back door at the minute, so We're waiting on a new one getting delivered.
Well, Beth'll stick it in the wash for you, will you no'? Erm, no, honestly.
Well, are you wanting them washed, Alan? Aye, at least let her do your pants, freshen them up.
Give them to me, Alan.
I'll put them in my handbag.
Oh! Pants in your handbag, Michelle? Not the first time you've done that, eh? Remember that time when we were in Caffe Nero, and I had to go in and take my pants off, Beth? BETH SIGHS Look, just give them to me.
I'll stick them in the washing machine, and then shove them in the dryer.
Thanks, Beth.
So, the next thing I see is this cat sneaking along behind the hut, tail straight up in the air, one thing and one thing only on its mind.
Where's the best spot for a quiet pish? Beth, Beth, remember that time we went to the B&Q together? Er, yes That was such a laugh! Oh, do you remember we went to the Mazda garage on the way back too? Oh! We've been through a lot together, Michelle.
We've even There's other shops we've been to.
Look, I might head up to my bed, if that's all right, now, Beth.
Alan, are you coming? Oh, she's wanting you up the stairs, Alan! Sight of those big milky legs in the dressing gown got you going, has it, Michelle? Eric, get your earplugs in! Don't go at it too hard, Alan.
I'm just through the wall fae that spare room.
Alan I can even hear some of Eric's farts.
You no' having a glass of wine, Alan? Yeah! Have a glass of wine, Alan.
I don't like wine.
Well, how about a nice big glass of milk before bedtime? Aye, I like milk.
Well, look, I'm going up to my bed.
You can come up whenever you like.
I'll show you upstairs, Michelle.
You stay and have your milk, Alan.
Right, there you go.
And the bathroom's just through there on your left.
Oh, that's brilliant.
Do you need an alarm or anything? Oh, no.
I wake up early anyway.
Oh, me too.
I'm the same.
Sorry to interrupt, Beth.
It's just that Christine and Alan were wondering, could they have a hot chocolate? Oh, right.
Well, tell them I'll be down in a minute.
Righto, Beth.
Will do.
Oh, I love this room, Michelle.
Do you? Mm.
I stayed in here a few times.
Oh, I've been sick on that rug.
So, have you got everything you need, then, Michelle? Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
We'll be really quiet downstairs.
Shh! Well, we'll try.
Can't promise anything, because when me and Beth get together, all bets are off! She's a fucking headcase.
Aye, give it a good big squirt, Beth.
Let me do it, let me do it! Oh, look at that, Alan, huh? Yummy! SHE IMITATES CREAM SQUIRTING Careful, Cathy! He's got nothing on underneath that.
Have you not, Alan? SHE IMITATES CREAM SQUIRTING Oh, big creamy willy.
Cathy, leave him alone.
Aye, we'd better watch here.
Could be a full moon tonight.
CATHY HOWLS Keep it down! Michelle's asleep.
Sorry, Michelle! Cathy! She was looking tired.
I could see her eyes drooping when we were discussing the chutney.
Alan, would you like another squirt? Aye, on you go.
Oh! This is a treat for me, so it is.
Is it, Alan? Aye, Michelle's stopped buying it because I kept doing it straight into my mouth.
Oh, is she quite bossy, is she, Alan? Aye, a bit.
We thought she would be, didn't we? Did we? Is that her natural hair colour, or is it dyed? Of course it's dyed! Fucking blonde.
She's a bit stressed oot at the minute with this stuff for the house.
Is she, Alan? She looks quite stressed.
Quite tired, quite bloated.
Aye, you're doing a lot to the place.
Oh, she was telling me you're thinking of putting decking out the back.
Aye, a wee bit for her to sunbathe in the summer.
Oh, that's lovely, eh? Get the bikini on.
Well, I'll say this for her.
She's got it all planned out.
Oh, yes.
I've got a few ideas for my place, Alan.
Have you? Aye.
I'm thinking of putting a handrail on my front step.
BETH YAWNS Oh! Excuse me.
Quite tired myself, actually.
Are you, Beth? You knackered, are you? You're not going to bed, are you? Away up to your bed if you want.
Er, no.
What? She can't go to bed now.
Why? Because I'm here, and I'm her friend, and friends stay up and chat about money and clothes and Tenerife.
All right, Cathy, I won't go to my bed just yet.
That's right, Beth, good.
You just sit down, relax.
When was the last time we sat up and had a proper girly chat? Oh, Cathy! So, how's things with Eric, hmm? Do you get any sex at all? Excuse me! Sorry, do you mind? Friends' catch-up going on.
Me and Michelle are twice during the week, and as many as I can manage at the weekend.
Well, that's good, Alan.
That's good work.
You You stick in there.
If you don't mind It's all right, Beth, we can talk about these things.
Aye, me and Cath, we're Colin! CATHY TAPS GLASS What about a little drinky-poo? What you got stuck in that drinks cabinet? Er, we're not starting on that now.
Oh, I see.
Oh, so some people can have cups of tea and anything they want, but I want a nice relaxing shot of tequila, and I'm not allowed? Oh.
Oh, boo, boo.
BOO! Cathy! Keep it down.
Oh, sorry, Eric, sorry.
Fucking Goldilocks is sleeping.
Sorry about that.
Shh! Cathy! That's enough.
Beth, have you decided what you're going to do with that rhubarb? No, Christine.
Not yet.
Cos I think you would like it stewed, Alan.
I really do.
Here, tell you what we used to do with rhubarb when I was a kid.
What? Eat it raw.
You remember that? Aye, that's right.
See, we never had that much money back then for sweeties and chocolates and stuff, so rhubarb was like a real treat for us.
That's right, we used to dip it in the sugar.
Aye, that's right.
Aye, you'd get the stick of rhubarb, and you got a wee poke of sugar, you'd dip it in And sook it.
That's right, aye! Oh, but it had to be caster sugar, Eric.
That was the best.
Oh, I used to love that.
You ever had it, Alan? No.
Oh, you want to try it.
Here, Beth Give it another rinse under the hot tap, Beth, and make sure none of that cat pee's clung to it.
We used to steal the rhubarb out the gardens.
Did you, Eric? Were you a thieving little boy, were you, Eric? Well, we just came across stuff that was growing.
Brambles! I still stick them in my handbag if I see them.
My dad used to take me bramble picking.
Well, I'd pick them, and he'd sit in the car with his vodka.
I like a tomato out of a greenhouse.
Oh, aye, that actually tastes like a tomato.
Home-grown's the best.
I used to grow watercress in my kitchen windowsill, Alan.
But unless you're doing egg mayonnaise, there's fuck all point to it.
Hey! Here we go! Oh, thank you! There we go.
Oh, cheers, Christine.
Boy, oh boy, oh boy, this takes me back.
Oh! Mm! Cathy, would you like some? Naw.
You sure? Aye.
Oh, ta.
Go on, Alan, are you not having any? Naw, he doesnae like any fruit or veg, Cath.
Don't you? Naw, no' really.
Well, what does Michelle have to say about that? She's always on aboot it.
But I just don't like it.
What's she like? she's always banging on about something, isn't she? You not having any, Beth? Beth, have a bit! Come on, take a trip down memory lane to your old rhubarb days.
Are you sure you don't want to try a bit, Alan? Eh Go on, Alan, have a bit in your dressing gown.
Here, if you dip it in the sugar, it's good.
Oh, yeah! You like sugar, don't you? Oh, aye.
Go on, Alan.
Just try a wee bit.
Oh, here he goes! Here he goes! Oh! HE CRUNCHES LOUDLY Well? It's all right.
THEY CHEER See? It's not that bad, eh? Good boy, Alan.
Why don't we give him a chunk of apple or something? Try him with that.
Or a tangerine.
Would you try a tangerine, Alan? Michelle's going to be so proud of you, eating Pat's rhubarb.
In fact Michelle! What? Michelle! Oh, Cathy, what is it? You have got to see this.
See what? Come on! Up you get, up you get, come on! Hey, Alan, your pants no' finished in that machine yet? I keep on forgetting you've got no pants on.
I've no' had any on since my bath.
Cathy, just let go! Beth, out the way! Michelle wants to come downstairs.
Cathy, what are you doing?! Here she is! Oh, Michelle, you want a bit of rhubarb? It's been washed.
Cathy! Michelle's here to see you eating, Alan.
Sorry about this.
Alan, what's going on? I've been eating rhubarb.
We all have, Michelle.
No' just Alan.
Go on, eat it again.
Show her! You woke me up so I could see that? Isn't it brilliant?! On you go back to bed.
It's fine, Beth.
"It's fine, Beth!" Michelle says it's fine.
Oh, Beth and Michelle, Beth and Michelle, best buddies! Out for prosecco, doing up houses, having baths.
Cathy, this is nonsense! She's my friend, Michelle.
Alan, I think we'll go.
Eh? We're going.
Michelle, you don't need to do that.
Just go back up to bed.
I'll sort things down here.
Oh, let her go, she's had all she wants.
She's had her dinner, he's had his bath, and now she wants to fuck off home.
Well, there's friendship right there.
Alan! Oh, there she goes, ungrateful cow.
Oh, he's even walking out with Eric's dressing gown! Leave the dressing gown.
What? Just leave the dressing gown! But LEAVE IT! All right.
SHE CRUNCHES LOUDLY # Sugar in the mornin', sugar in the evenin' # Sugar at suppertime # Be my little sugar, and love me all the time # Honey in the mornin', honey in the evenin' # Honey at suppertime # Be my little sugar, and love me all the time # Be my little sugar, and love me all the time Sugar time!