Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998) s01e13 Episode Script
Two Guys, a Girl and a Landlord
"" Hey Pete, whatcha doing? Reading You want to do something? Berg, I have to study I'm bored Well, tough Hey, I bet you can't lift that garbage can over your head What are you talking about? Of course I can.
It's empty Oh there was a time when you could When you were, you know, in shape - Berg, I'm in great shape - Okay, Pete.
No big deal HEY LOOK HOW STRONG I AM! I hate you so much "" Berg, say hello to the Alpha-Stat 100 H-e-l-l-o We can now watch what we want, when we want, from any corner of the earth - All crammed into our 12-inch screen - Yeah I personally reconstructed it from the original schematics I added a signal booster, use gold-plated coaxial and replaced the original aluminum alloy with a titanium steel coating One thing shouldn't it be facing away from the building? Okay Klaus, buddy.
All you have to do is get the ball I know you're a fish but don't let that hold you back No pressure! Just have fun Fetch, Klaus! That's okay, buddy! Swim it up ! We'll get 'em next time Berg, you've been working with Klaus for nine weeks.
All you are to him is a big, big face Did I mention that this could swing me a thousand-dollar grant from the Society of Animal Research? Don't just swim there, you lazy sack of scales! FETCH! Alpha-Stat 100 firmly fastened to the roof, Pete Dunville firmly fastened to the couch Just turn me over every two days Pete, you can't run the cable through the hall I have no choice.
The windows are painted shut and the new landlord won't return my phone calls.
I left him like, 5 messages Yeah well, he doesn't take calls.
I hear you've got to submit everything to him in writing Is he looking for a penpal? He can pick up a phone LIFE! GIVE MY TV LIFE! Keep it down, will ya? I'd like to see you tell him that to the side of his face Yes, yes, the Bruins game! I'd like to see you tell him that to the side of his face Yes, yes, the Bruins game! - Why is the Bruins game in Russian? -Cause it's blacked out in Boston so I must be getting feed from Moscow So, you're pretty much done with the outside world You betcha! Score ? Berg, how do you say "score" in Russian? - Blasto - BLASTO! Err, Pete.
The TV seems to be leaving See, Klaus.
That's how you fetch I-I-it took me seven hours to haul and install that thing and now, it's gone without a trace I mean, who would do this? Our new landlord.
You violated the building uniformity code What? "The building should be uniform in every way.
All common areas, hallways, stoops, rooftops shall remain free of clutter.
He stole my satellite dish! -including plants, wreaths and welcome mats.
Have a nice day.
Edgar J.
Hagerty".
What kinda guy doesn't like Welcome mats? I'm guessing the same guy who could rip out a 200-pound satellite dish and scale down the side of the building - Maybe all the stories I heard about Hagerty are true - What are you talking about? Remember Marco, the stuttering mime in 3B? Re-tiled his bathroom without permission, hasn't been heard from since He's a mime I'm not kidding! This Hagerty guy has never shown his face around here and yet he knows everything that's going on All right! So, we're back down to 80 channels? just like the Amish That's not the point - What are you going to do, Pete? What's done is done - What do you mean "what's done is done"? You know, Que sera sera, no use crying over spilt milk, Hakuna matata Pick your favorite Wait, wait, Berg.
You can't just 'Hakuna matata' your way through life.
I mean, sometimes you have to stand up for what's right! He's the landlord, Pete.
It's his place, he makes the rules His rules are wrong! This is our home, we live here.
Hagerty can't just steal our satellite dishes and our Welcome mats! - I have an idea.
Let's talk about this inside - No! The building was fine before that guy came around.
Right? Now, he's going to walk around and dictate a bunch of new rules? The next thing you know, we won't be allowed to pee in the shower! Okay look, I'm going to show this Hagerty who he's messing with, all right? You don't just push Pete Dunville around Now are you guys in? - I'm out.
- I'll see you inside Bill, you had to see it! As God is my witness, three times in a row, little Klaus swam over and finally fetched the ball back Fascinating.
Now shovel the damn sidewalk! It's still snowing Last time I saw a snowstorm this bad, I was travelling in South America.
We just finished a soccer match in Bolivia and headed home to Chile- Bauer! -The plane crashed in the Andes, we were stranded for weeks without food- - Bauer! We were forced to eat the goaltender He was a rugged net-minder but a delicate meal Please come again.
And be careful on the sidewalk.
It's slippery What was I supposed to do? It was Jose, or starve! It's not a moment I'm particularly proud of and of course, nutritionally, there's not much to be said Well, look who decided to show up for work Oh, I'm sorry Bill but I'm in the midst of a revolution - Really? - Yeah! Shovel the damn sidewalk! Hey, I just left Hagerty a little message to show him what I feel about his uniformity code What does this say to you? - 'Welcome'? - No, it says 'Freedom' I hope you kept your receipt because I'm pretty sure it says 'Welcome' I left a Welcome mat in front of every door in our building Ha, he wants uniformity, he's got it.
And to show him I really mean business, haha, a wreath! Yeah, you don't want to mess with a man who carries a wreath Now we'll see how fast Hagerty gets back to me Okay, it has stopped snowing.
Who's going to shovel the sidewalk? - Me! Me! I get to! - No, I get to do it! - You did the last time! - No, you did! There's only one way to settle this thing fairly.
Neither of us gets to shovel the walk - Oh, fair enough - You can either shovel the walk or you can dig your own graves I'll just leave this here Sharon, I see you have a Freedom mat - Aww! - You and your stupid Welcome mats! This note was taped to the wall by the mailboxes "Attention.
Until the tenant in 1A personally corrects his violation of the uniformity code, the heat shall remain off in the entire building.
Have a nice day.
Edgar J.
Hagerty.
" Freedom! Man, when the people in our building come home, if I were you, I'd pick up those mats right now and get rid of those butt-ugly wreaths! Couldn't you just pick them up? What? And get on Hagerty's bad side? Forget it.
He knows all! He knows all, huh? Ask him why I'm slicing my three-iron.
Fine, fine, I'll do it after work but Hagerty has not heard the last of me - Bill.
Bill, what? I was just out there, it's not icy at all - Oh yeah? I can't wait! Klaus is going to light up when he sees his new mermaid Okay.
This is the last one Is that the heat? Maybe he does know all Looks like Hagerty finally got our windows unstuck.
We should get him a little something.
"Happy to service your needs.
Have a nice day.
Edgar J.
Hagerty.
" It's two degrees and he took our windows! -You mentioned that - I suppose you're going to let this just roll off your back - Oh my God - What? What is it? Klaus? KLAUS!!! Pete, one more time Bill, it's really not that funny Oh, come on.
You walk into the apartment, snow's covering the whole place Berg wiped off the glass and Klaus was, like That cracks me up Do it again Bill, I'm not doing it again! Then shovel the sidewalk! Berg took this really hard.
I mean, he looked at me and he stormed out and I haven't heard from him since and it's all my fault - Anything? - Nothing.
Bernie, Fitzie, University, nobody's seen him Did you try Topless, Topless, Topless? Amber said he wasn't there - Did you get it? - What do you think? Does he look like Klaus? Aw, I think.
Where did you get him? Don't you recognize him? It's Harold.
From my kindergarten class - Ohh, Harold! - I told my kids he was visiting family at Sea World I don't think any fish is going to replace Klaus - Oh, honey, it's not your fault - Actually, it's all his fault I know! I was just trying to make him feel better Oh look, Sharon's right I mean, Berg's out there, somewhere, lost, all by himself.
Wandering around in the freezing cold Did you try Topless, Topless, Topless? - I'm sure he's fine - I wouldn't be so sure I once took a job as a winter caretaker, in an old hotel in the mountains of Colorado I thought I could work on my novel, spend some quality time with my family All work and no play made Jack a dull boy! Yes, the cold can do strange things to a man's mind - Berg, thank God you're here - Are you all right? Pete, show him the face Berg, I'm really sorry about Klaus Look, look look, I know it's not Klaus but I see potential I'm sorry, Berg.
Look, I asked for our windows back in writing.
Hakuna Matata? - No, Pete.
You were right all along - Berg, come on, honey.
Let's get you over by the oven and thaw out your brain No! Pete didn't kill Klaus.
Hagerty did! He stole our windows! That is an act of aggression.
That is an act of war.
Well, if he wants a war, he's got one! Who's with me? - I'm with you! - I'm still out.
All right, almost done Hey Sharon, did you get our message? Oh my good! Hagerty gave you your dish back Let's just say we found it Locked in his storage room You guys! 3B, remember? Re-tiled his bathroom then bye, bye! This guy's all smoke and mirrors.
Like the Wizard of Oz And we are just the guys to pull back the curtain Hey, what's all this stuff? Prisoners.
Of the Uniformity Code - Ah, my ficus! - See Done Now let's go glue down some Welcome mats Klaus would have wanted it that way Oh no! Need a new bulb Better put that in writing.
"Have a nice day.
Edgar J.
Hagerty".
Hey guys, I think you'd better take a look at what's in this file Third generation West Point, top of his class, fought in three wars, green beret, CIA! Oh man, you guys are so 3B! They're up here! What seems to be the problem, Mrs.
Hemmelfarb? You! Hagerty left this note.
He says we don't get our electricity back until you go meet with him Don't you see? He's crazy - Today can be our Independence Day! - If we all band together, we can beat him Well, we're going to band together and we're going to beat you! Is there an address in that file? I can't believe I'm taking you guys to see Hagerty Just drive Hagerty was close.
Real close.
Couldn't see him yet but I could feel him It's as if the car was being sucked up by the highway The pavement was falling back into the woods Part of me was afraid of what I would find when I got there The thing I felt most, stronger than fear was the desire to confront him Just remember we're in the right Death to the Uniformity Code! - And we stand together! - And I'll just be in the car Come in Gentlemen.
Miss Ya, enough with the small talk, Hagerty What is the deal with dragging us out here in the middle of the night? - May I offer you some cider and homemade cookies? - We didn't come here to eat cookies Oh, I'll have one - So you got my note - I got all your notes Very well written Thank you for coming And thank you for shutting off our light, heat and hot water! You know, this is the best cookie I've ever tasted! You used walnuts and apple corns! I find it helps the texture of the cookie Wait a minute.
Two different kinds of nuts, doesn't that violate your stupid Uniformity Code? Stupid? Hey you know, I just gave them a ride - The Uniformity Code is for the benefit of the tenants - What possible benefit could there be from a ban on Welcome mats? I once owned a building filled with Welcome mats - astro-turf, rubber, coconut weave - I enjoyed them all.
Then one day a sweet old lady tripped on one and broke her ankle.
I felt morally inclined to pay the hospital bill but I had to raise the rent for everyone - Okay, no Welcome mats.
That makes sense - Wait What about a satellite dish? Who's going to trip over that? Roof obstructions violate zoning laws.
I could have filed the paperwork and gotten you a waiver but you clowns busted ranks! All said and done, I saved you a 300-dollar fine - 300 bucks? - Ahem Ww-wait a minute, you still can't just turn off somebody's heat in the middle of winter Yeah, what code is that? Sometimes gentlemen, the way to discipline the platoon is to have the platoon discipline itself! I thought that was funny You killed my fish! Ah yes, Klaus, the fish that fetched It is often the innocent that get caught in the crossfire The truth is you are slackers who need to take stock of who you are and what type of people you want to be.
With all due respect, sir- You Bergen are a rudderless ship! Ever since March of 1980, when you abandoned the Cub Scouts, your life has been a course-less journey Business school, law school and now medical school.
10 girlfriends in six months.
Son, your life lacks structure! - You know he's not wrong - You just abandoned the Cub Scouts? You, Private, when are you going to learn that you're not always right? Who were you in 7th grade at the age of twelve to shake off Coach Marino's butt sign and cost the National Bank Taggers the 1985 Little League Championship! I totally agree! You are a kiss-ass little sellout who did the dirty with the editor of your high school yearbook so that your picture would be the only one in color! - Yeah! - That is not the point Point is if you're going to get through this life and have windows, you will learn to live by the rules You will remove the satellite dish.
You will put it in the storage room.
You will repair the lock on the door and you will stop peeing in the shower! All right, I'll stop Sounds fair And there's one more thing you will do Come on you slackers! You heard Hagerty, two inches from the curb What's he going to do, come out here and measure it? Wonder what's gotten into them? Once you've gone up river, nothing's ever the same The h-horror Look at all these cars, all with different people in them, each leading their own lives.
Each thinking separate thoughts.
Man! Can one find love in a loveless world? Is there any such thing as true love or do you just find somebody and find truth in that love? T-h-e-r-e was a farmer who had a dog and BINGO was his name - oh!
It's empty Oh there was a time when you could When you were, you know, in shape - Berg, I'm in great shape - Okay, Pete.
No big deal HEY LOOK HOW STRONG I AM! I hate you so much "" Berg, say hello to the Alpha-Stat 100 H-e-l-l-o We can now watch what we want, when we want, from any corner of the earth - All crammed into our 12-inch screen - Yeah I personally reconstructed it from the original schematics I added a signal booster, use gold-plated coaxial and replaced the original aluminum alloy with a titanium steel coating One thing shouldn't it be facing away from the building? Okay Klaus, buddy.
All you have to do is get the ball I know you're a fish but don't let that hold you back No pressure! Just have fun Fetch, Klaus! That's okay, buddy! Swim it up ! We'll get 'em next time Berg, you've been working with Klaus for nine weeks.
All you are to him is a big, big face Did I mention that this could swing me a thousand-dollar grant from the Society of Animal Research? Don't just swim there, you lazy sack of scales! FETCH! Alpha-Stat 100 firmly fastened to the roof, Pete Dunville firmly fastened to the couch Just turn me over every two days Pete, you can't run the cable through the hall I have no choice.
The windows are painted shut and the new landlord won't return my phone calls.
I left him like, 5 messages Yeah well, he doesn't take calls.
I hear you've got to submit everything to him in writing Is he looking for a penpal? He can pick up a phone LIFE! GIVE MY TV LIFE! Keep it down, will ya? I'd like to see you tell him that to the side of his face Yes, yes, the Bruins game! I'd like to see you tell him that to the side of his face Yes, yes, the Bruins game! - Why is the Bruins game in Russian? -Cause it's blacked out in Boston so I must be getting feed from Moscow So, you're pretty much done with the outside world You betcha! Score ? Berg, how do you say "score" in Russian? - Blasto - BLASTO! Err, Pete.
The TV seems to be leaving See, Klaus.
That's how you fetch I-I-it took me seven hours to haul and install that thing and now, it's gone without a trace I mean, who would do this? Our new landlord.
You violated the building uniformity code What? "The building should be uniform in every way.
All common areas, hallways, stoops, rooftops shall remain free of clutter.
He stole my satellite dish! -including plants, wreaths and welcome mats.
Have a nice day.
Edgar J.
Hagerty".
What kinda guy doesn't like Welcome mats? I'm guessing the same guy who could rip out a 200-pound satellite dish and scale down the side of the building - Maybe all the stories I heard about Hagerty are true - What are you talking about? Remember Marco, the stuttering mime in 3B? Re-tiled his bathroom without permission, hasn't been heard from since He's a mime I'm not kidding! This Hagerty guy has never shown his face around here and yet he knows everything that's going on All right! So, we're back down to 80 channels? just like the Amish That's not the point - What are you going to do, Pete? What's done is done - What do you mean "what's done is done"? You know, Que sera sera, no use crying over spilt milk, Hakuna matata Pick your favorite Wait, wait, Berg.
You can't just 'Hakuna matata' your way through life.
I mean, sometimes you have to stand up for what's right! He's the landlord, Pete.
It's his place, he makes the rules His rules are wrong! This is our home, we live here.
Hagerty can't just steal our satellite dishes and our Welcome mats! - I have an idea.
Let's talk about this inside - No! The building was fine before that guy came around.
Right? Now, he's going to walk around and dictate a bunch of new rules? The next thing you know, we won't be allowed to pee in the shower! Okay look, I'm going to show this Hagerty who he's messing with, all right? You don't just push Pete Dunville around Now are you guys in? - I'm out.
- I'll see you inside Bill, you had to see it! As God is my witness, three times in a row, little Klaus swam over and finally fetched the ball back Fascinating.
Now shovel the damn sidewalk! It's still snowing Last time I saw a snowstorm this bad, I was travelling in South America.
We just finished a soccer match in Bolivia and headed home to Chile- Bauer! -The plane crashed in the Andes, we were stranded for weeks without food- - Bauer! We were forced to eat the goaltender He was a rugged net-minder but a delicate meal Please come again.
And be careful on the sidewalk.
It's slippery What was I supposed to do? It was Jose, or starve! It's not a moment I'm particularly proud of and of course, nutritionally, there's not much to be said Well, look who decided to show up for work Oh, I'm sorry Bill but I'm in the midst of a revolution - Really? - Yeah! Shovel the damn sidewalk! Hey, I just left Hagerty a little message to show him what I feel about his uniformity code What does this say to you? - 'Welcome'? - No, it says 'Freedom' I hope you kept your receipt because I'm pretty sure it says 'Welcome' I left a Welcome mat in front of every door in our building Ha, he wants uniformity, he's got it.
And to show him I really mean business, haha, a wreath! Yeah, you don't want to mess with a man who carries a wreath Now we'll see how fast Hagerty gets back to me Okay, it has stopped snowing.
Who's going to shovel the sidewalk? - Me! Me! I get to! - No, I get to do it! - You did the last time! - No, you did! There's only one way to settle this thing fairly.
Neither of us gets to shovel the walk - Oh, fair enough - You can either shovel the walk or you can dig your own graves I'll just leave this here Sharon, I see you have a Freedom mat - Aww! - You and your stupid Welcome mats! This note was taped to the wall by the mailboxes "Attention.
Until the tenant in 1A personally corrects his violation of the uniformity code, the heat shall remain off in the entire building.
Have a nice day.
Edgar J.
Hagerty.
" Freedom! Man, when the people in our building come home, if I were you, I'd pick up those mats right now and get rid of those butt-ugly wreaths! Couldn't you just pick them up? What? And get on Hagerty's bad side? Forget it.
He knows all! He knows all, huh? Ask him why I'm slicing my three-iron.
Fine, fine, I'll do it after work but Hagerty has not heard the last of me - Bill.
Bill, what? I was just out there, it's not icy at all - Oh yeah? I can't wait! Klaus is going to light up when he sees his new mermaid Okay.
This is the last one Is that the heat? Maybe he does know all Looks like Hagerty finally got our windows unstuck.
We should get him a little something.
"Happy to service your needs.
Have a nice day.
Edgar J.
Hagerty.
" It's two degrees and he took our windows! -You mentioned that - I suppose you're going to let this just roll off your back - Oh my God - What? What is it? Klaus? KLAUS!!! Pete, one more time Bill, it's really not that funny Oh, come on.
You walk into the apartment, snow's covering the whole place Berg wiped off the glass and Klaus was, like That cracks me up Do it again Bill, I'm not doing it again! Then shovel the sidewalk! Berg took this really hard.
I mean, he looked at me and he stormed out and I haven't heard from him since and it's all my fault - Anything? - Nothing.
Bernie, Fitzie, University, nobody's seen him Did you try Topless, Topless, Topless? Amber said he wasn't there - Did you get it? - What do you think? Does he look like Klaus? Aw, I think.
Where did you get him? Don't you recognize him? It's Harold.
From my kindergarten class - Ohh, Harold! - I told my kids he was visiting family at Sea World I don't think any fish is going to replace Klaus - Oh, honey, it's not your fault - Actually, it's all his fault I know! I was just trying to make him feel better Oh look, Sharon's right I mean, Berg's out there, somewhere, lost, all by himself.
Wandering around in the freezing cold Did you try Topless, Topless, Topless? - I'm sure he's fine - I wouldn't be so sure I once took a job as a winter caretaker, in an old hotel in the mountains of Colorado I thought I could work on my novel, spend some quality time with my family All work and no play made Jack a dull boy! Yes, the cold can do strange things to a man's mind - Berg, thank God you're here - Are you all right? Pete, show him the face Berg, I'm really sorry about Klaus Look, look look, I know it's not Klaus but I see potential I'm sorry, Berg.
Look, I asked for our windows back in writing.
Hakuna Matata? - No, Pete.
You were right all along - Berg, come on, honey.
Let's get you over by the oven and thaw out your brain No! Pete didn't kill Klaus.
Hagerty did! He stole our windows! That is an act of aggression.
That is an act of war.
Well, if he wants a war, he's got one! Who's with me? - I'm with you! - I'm still out.
All right, almost done Hey Sharon, did you get our message? Oh my good! Hagerty gave you your dish back Let's just say we found it Locked in his storage room You guys! 3B, remember? Re-tiled his bathroom then bye, bye! This guy's all smoke and mirrors.
Like the Wizard of Oz And we are just the guys to pull back the curtain Hey, what's all this stuff? Prisoners.
Of the Uniformity Code - Ah, my ficus! - See Done Now let's go glue down some Welcome mats Klaus would have wanted it that way Oh no! Need a new bulb Better put that in writing.
"Have a nice day.
Edgar J.
Hagerty".
Hey guys, I think you'd better take a look at what's in this file Third generation West Point, top of his class, fought in three wars, green beret, CIA! Oh man, you guys are so 3B! They're up here! What seems to be the problem, Mrs.
Hemmelfarb? You! Hagerty left this note.
He says we don't get our electricity back until you go meet with him Don't you see? He's crazy - Today can be our Independence Day! - If we all band together, we can beat him Well, we're going to band together and we're going to beat you! Is there an address in that file? I can't believe I'm taking you guys to see Hagerty Just drive Hagerty was close.
Real close.
Couldn't see him yet but I could feel him It's as if the car was being sucked up by the highway The pavement was falling back into the woods Part of me was afraid of what I would find when I got there The thing I felt most, stronger than fear was the desire to confront him Just remember we're in the right Death to the Uniformity Code! - And we stand together! - And I'll just be in the car Come in Gentlemen.
Miss Ya, enough with the small talk, Hagerty What is the deal with dragging us out here in the middle of the night? - May I offer you some cider and homemade cookies? - We didn't come here to eat cookies Oh, I'll have one - So you got my note - I got all your notes Very well written Thank you for coming And thank you for shutting off our light, heat and hot water! You know, this is the best cookie I've ever tasted! You used walnuts and apple corns! I find it helps the texture of the cookie Wait a minute.
Two different kinds of nuts, doesn't that violate your stupid Uniformity Code? Stupid? Hey you know, I just gave them a ride - The Uniformity Code is for the benefit of the tenants - What possible benefit could there be from a ban on Welcome mats? I once owned a building filled with Welcome mats - astro-turf, rubber, coconut weave - I enjoyed them all.
Then one day a sweet old lady tripped on one and broke her ankle.
I felt morally inclined to pay the hospital bill but I had to raise the rent for everyone - Okay, no Welcome mats.
That makes sense - Wait What about a satellite dish? Who's going to trip over that? Roof obstructions violate zoning laws.
I could have filed the paperwork and gotten you a waiver but you clowns busted ranks! All said and done, I saved you a 300-dollar fine - 300 bucks? - Ahem Ww-wait a minute, you still can't just turn off somebody's heat in the middle of winter Yeah, what code is that? Sometimes gentlemen, the way to discipline the platoon is to have the platoon discipline itself! I thought that was funny You killed my fish! Ah yes, Klaus, the fish that fetched It is often the innocent that get caught in the crossfire The truth is you are slackers who need to take stock of who you are and what type of people you want to be.
With all due respect, sir- You Bergen are a rudderless ship! Ever since March of 1980, when you abandoned the Cub Scouts, your life has been a course-less journey Business school, law school and now medical school.
10 girlfriends in six months.
Son, your life lacks structure! - You know he's not wrong - You just abandoned the Cub Scouts? You, Private, when are you going to learn that you're not always right? Who were you in 7th grade at the age of twelve to shake off Coach Marino's butt sign and cost the National Bank Taggers the 1985 Little League Championship! I totally agree! You are a kiss-ass little sellout who did the dirty with the editor of your high school yearbook so that your picture would be the only one in color! - Yeah! - That is not the point Point is if you're going to get through this life and have windows, you will learn to live by the rules You will remove the satellite dish.
You will put it in the storage room.
You will repair the lock on the door and you will stop peeing in the shower! All right, I'll stop Sounds fair And there's one more thing you will do Come on you slackers! You heard Hagerty, two inches from the curb What's he going to do, come out here and measure it? Wonder what's gotten into them? Once you've gone up river, nothing's ever the same The h-horror Look at all these cars, all with different people in them, each leading their own lives.
Each thinking separate thoughts.
Man! Can one find love in a loveless world? Is there any such thing as true love or do you just find somebody and find truth in that love? T-h-e-r-e was a farmer who had a dog and BINGO was his name - oh!