Ugly Americans (2010) s02e07 Episode Script

People are driven by survival.
We do anything we can to get on.
Only when we feel safe, do we start considering the things we want.
'Sup, girls? I see you're looking to my direction wanna get closer to a federal breast inspection? 'cause when you stop to do your thing uh, uh I'm gonna hit you with a-- Bang! This is what happens when you sell your soul to be a pop star without getting parental consent.
Come on, come on, you can do this! I've gained two pounds? How is that possible? I've been working out every day for a month.
Hmm, interesting.
A volatile week on the soul exchange as stock in Maggotbone Soul Industries fell to an all-time low.
Mr.
Maggotbone, response? Well, maa, I've caught a few tough breaks.
But in this business, you're always one soul away from being back on top.
- Mm, sweat chamois? - Please.
I'm worried about dad.
He seems really burnt out.
You should go see him.
Maybe a visit from his only daughter would lift his spirits.
[Stomach growling.]
Ah! What is this pain? Hmm, a cute abdominal cramps caused by helpful advice, sudden weight gain.
You have gotten really fat, Mark.
Ah! Let's just take a look under the hood.
Oh, my dear Christ, we got to get you to the hospital right now! We got to get your head out of my shirt.
We'll be back with more from Aldremach Maggotbone, has-been.
Hey, was that really necessary? When I sold my soul for tricia here, I thought I'd have to live without the core essence of my being.
But then my doctor told me about Nuvasoul.
Nuvasoul.
Nuvasoul replicates the effects of having a soul, such as consciousness and a basic moral center.
Right, doll face? So worth it.
Side effects of Nuvasoul include euphoria, contentment, exhilaration, jubilation, mirth, optimism, peace of mind, and diarrhea.
Nuvasoul, manufactured by Pfizer.
Today's topic go O-o-o-o-o-o O-o-o-o-o-o O-o-o-o-o-oals.
Goals.
We all have goals, don't we? I want to be a real boy.
I want to be President of United States.
[Whispering indistinctly.]
Doug wants to stab things.
All admirable dreams.
However, since the advent of Nuvasoul, many people are taking a shortcut to success [Cell phone vibrating.]
By selling their souls, like Dustin here.
I'm six minutes late for my interview with Seacrest.
Can we speed this up? "Interview," right.
You're not going anywhere till your soul contract is signed by a legal guardian.
Them's the rules.
But my parents gave me up.
I'm an orphan.
Maybe your parents should have appreciated the miracle of having a baby with a penis! [All gasp.]
Hmm, kind of looks like we tapped into something there.
I wanted a boy, but vera could never stick the landing.
After pumping out 15 girls, she finally gave up and ditched me for "the count," her new vampire husband.
I always wanted a bunch of sisters.
You know, help me with my bangs.
I think you two might be able to help each other.
So you're saying that my strong desire for a son And my legal need for a parent Both: Are somehow related? Exactly.
Everyone wins.
Ah! [Groaning.]
Okay, I have to go to the hospital now.
That's what you get for eating in the commissary.
Okay, do you need water? Are you comfortable? Do you need a pillow? They have pillows here.
Can somebody get me a pillow, please? As your Nuvasoul sales rep, we appreciate you sticking with Nuvasoul and not those crappy knockoffs like Soulvitra.
Here, take some free pens.
Leonard, is that a Nuvasoul windbreaker? Yeah, I do some pharm rep work on the side.
I owe a lot of bad people a lot of filthy money.
Peddling Nuvasoul? I hate to say this, but I'm disappointed in you.
What? Oh, you're right.
This is totally beneath me.
There's got to be a better way for me to earn cash on the side.
Thanks, Mark.
You've set me straight.
Ow, helping hurts.
Okay, okay.
Squeeze my hand.
We're almost there.
What was that? Who do I have to [Bleep.]
To get a doctor around here? That would be me.
Eh.
Doctor, thank God.
What's happening to me? Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, but let's take a look-see-dooks.
Oh, dear God almighty! [Alarm blaring.]
Be still, fool! You'll jostle it! Ah! Okay, you got to be a big boy, Mark.
This radioactive dye isn't gonna drink itself.
What kind of medical examination is this? Shut your mouth! Well? Give it to me straight, doc.
Don't keep me hanging.
Your suspicions were correct, Mr.
Skeffington.
I've never seen anything quite like it.
Mark Lilly has the biggest soul I've ever seen! Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be rich.
Cigars all around, everybody.
Where's the-- where's the cigars at? Who do I have to [Bleep.]
To get the cigars in here! That would be me.
Dad, I'm worried about you.
You saw the news.
I'm a has-been.
Bartender, schlitz.
Daddy, we're in your office.
There's no bartender here.
Ah, just kill me now.
Literally.
There's a dagger over there in the credenza.
You can't give up.
You're one big soul deal away from being back on top.
Save your breath, kitten.
For me to save Maggotbone Industries, I'd have to land-- The biggest soul you've ever seen? Randall, what are you doing here? Oh, nothing, just saving your dad's big fat red ass.
For a cut of the profits, of course.
Ah! [Chuckles.]
After years of good deeds, your soul swelled to such a massive size that it started crushing your liver, which we had to remove, by the way.
So what's the cure? Well, we can start you on a strict regimen of being a complete ass[Bleep.]
.
Or you could always unload it on the soul Market.
So what'll it be, then? Wealth? Power? Don't even think about asking for a million wishes, because that's total bull[Bleep.]
.
I'm not giving up my soul, no matter how bloating it is.
We can give you everything you've ever wanted, Mark.
And you won't have to worry about any unsightly stretch marks.
My soul is staying right where it belongs, between my navel and my lower intestine.
It's called the pooch.
And that's where I get the inspiration for my songs: Puppies, people's moms.
Tell us more about your bangs! Your daughters are really cute, Francis.
I wish they could come with us on the road.
What do you mean? It's a done deal.
We're a family band now.
I'm on bass.
Vera plays the skins.
Suri, sax.
Zahara, keys.
Shiloh, you're lead guitar, banging it out.
Moon Unit, rhythm guitar.
The rest of you are backup.
What about me? I'm in the family too.
Oh, right, why would I want to forget my ex-wife's new husband? I guess you can be the manager.
Now, come on, gang.
We've got some rehearsing to do.
Everyone get in the [Bleep.]
garage! [Laughs.]
Out of sight.
I'm nervous about this soul business.
Callie's dad does not mess around.
I'm actually kind of afraid for my life.
Don't you worry that pretty little head of yours, Mark.
I'll be your bodyguard.
I'm already a yellow belt in aikido.
A few years of training in Nepal with the League of Shadows, and I totally got your back.
Wow, that is really nice of you to offer, Leonard.
But I don't want to drag you into this.
Oh, I get it.
You don't think I'd be a good bodyguard.
No! I think you would be fantastic.
It's just-- I'm only doing this to earn back your respect! What is wrong with you? Fine! God! You're my bodyguard.
My services cost $5,000 a week.
Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bah And we're ready! Now, let's pack up the gear.
Can't be late for our first gig.
Short hills mall, here we come.
Excuse me, Frank.
I don't want to be a schlemiel, but I was looking at Dustin's schedule, and he is already booked at Madison Square Garden.
Don't you think that the local mall is, uh, a real step backwards? [Growls.]
[Screams.]
My drumstick! Does anyone else want to tell me how to run this band? - Mm-mm! - No way! Apple, you're the band manager now.
Congratulations.
If we play our cards right, we could end up at Madison Square Garden! [Girls chatting indistinctly.]
Listen, Rumer, sorry to do this.
It's just not working out.
I'm fresh out of cab fare.
You're gonna have to hitch a ride back to your mom's house in Florida.
Remember: Gas, ass, or grass.
Nobody rides for free.
Callie, I have a bone to pick with you about this soul business.
Ah! [Groaning.]
Huh? You coldcocked me over the head just to bring me to work? Oh, you're not at work, Mark.
This is a fantasy we've concocted for you.
We just thought you'd like to see what would happen if you sold your soul to be greatest social worker of all time.
Look, I appreciate the effort, but-- [claps.]
What's going on? It's just a transitional device, Mark.
Bear with us.
You realize Erik's dream of being human by finding a 12-year-old boy that wants to be a robot.
I'm real.
I'm really real.
Cool! It's time to smash some [Bleep.]
! I didn't realize that technology existed.
[Claps.]
Ow! Using hypnotherapy, you steer Doug's stabbing impulses in a positive direction.
He becomes the executive chef at Nobu.
I knew those daddy issues were blocking his potential.
[Claps.]
Oh! So help me to God.
[Applause.]
You spearhead a campaign for a constitutional amendment allowing Croatians to run for president.
I have to say, I do have some mixed feelings about this one.
He'll be the first to tell you: He's a sociopath.
He does not know the difference between right and wrong.
[Claps.]
Capitalizing on all these successes, you become an international self-improvement sensation: Speaking engagements, books on tape--you name it-- even your own franchise of group counseling establishments.
Mark Lilly's life improve-matorium? I has always dreamt it would be help-ateria, but this is even better.
It will be the most profitable nonprofit organization in histo.
So what do you think, Mark? You'd be the first social worker to get Time's man of the year.
I had it mocked up in Photoshop.
It's great, isn't it.
It's becoming easier for me to see how people would give up something as precious as their souls.
You really did get to the core of my desires.
And with Nuvasoul to fill in the void, what's the downside? I mean, apart from the diarrhea.
I-- I don't even know anymore.
I'll give you precisely three minutes to think about it.
We'll be right back, folks.
If you or a family member have taken Nuvasoul and suffered from explosive diarrhea, you may be entitled to cash compensation.
Contact the law firm of Rothstein, Mandelbaum, and Giant Baby today and get the justice you deserve.
So, Mark, what do you say? I want all of this.
I truly do.
But I want to achieve it on my own.
I don't want to take a shortcut to success.
[Groans.]
All right, people, it's a bust.
Shut it down.
Shut it all down.
Whoa! Mark my words, Lilly.
I will get that soul of yours one way or anoth-- ah! Hi-yah! Daddy! Leonard? Come with me if you want to keep your soul.
What-- what are we gonna do? We're gonna crack some skulls.
[Grunting.]
Oops, sorry about that.
Yeah! Huh? Leonard, where are we? My safe house in Little Chechnya.
Here, have a man's breakfast.
Why would I want to drink vodka at 8:00 in the morning? To anesthetize yourself.
I realize now the only way to protect you is for us to switch faces.
I'm Nicolas Cage.
You're John Travolta.
And--wait.
No.
I call Travolta.
[Cell phone rings.]
What do you want now? We could have done this the easy way, Mark.
Now, you give us your soul, or I put a shell in your roommate's noggin.
This is brilliant.
He'll totally fall for this.
No, I'm really going to splatter your skull all over that wall.
Oh, my God, Mark! I don't want to die.
[Groans.]
Dr.
Feelgood's Wellness Clinic, tomorrow morning.
Your turn.
You call that a dance routine? I'm seeing the popping, but where's the locking? Do I have to do everything myself? Moon Unit, where's that tambourine? [Tambourine rattles.]
Five, six, seven.
And uh and uh-uh uh-uh-uh, uh-uh uh-uh, ha-ha, huh-huh uh-uh, uh-uh, and uh and uh-uh uh-uh-uh, uh-uh Groovetastic.
Now, that is how you do it.
Damn! I didn't sign up for this.
I quit.
Fine, go! We don't need you.
Rumer, you're up.
Where the hell is Rumer? - Where you headed? - Florida.
Me too.
Hop in.
[Horn honks.]
A bullish day on the soul exchange.
Maggotbone Soul Industries stock skyrocketed to a new high on rumors that they have acquired the biggest soul in the western hemisphere.
Sources say the soul belongs to this man, Mark Lilly, a government social worker with a nauseatingly perfect record of good intentions.
Jesus, take his photo down.
It makes me sick.
Well, it's a day to the big show, and we have no lead singer.
Our goose is cooked.
You're right, pilot inspektor.
I am the only one who can fill in for Dustin as the lead singer of our band.
I didn't say that.
Listen to me carefully, girls.
Daddy is not gonna blow his second chance [Echoing.]
Chance, chance, chance.
All right, after the break, a live performance from the new group Earth, Wind, Fire, & Grimes.
You guys ready? This is our big break.
Hey, man, listen.
Me and the guys have been talking, and, uh, we want you out of the group.
But I'm the lead singer.
That's just it.
We don't dig your style.
This whole rapping thing of yours is going nowhere.
But I'm mixing talking and music.
It's gonna be huge, I'm telling you.
People don't want to hear rhythmic talking about street life.
They want to hear jams about boogie wonderlands and letting the groove get you to move.
Sorry, Grimes, music just ain't your thing [Echoing.]
Thing, thing, thing.
[Sniffles.]
And that was the day that Earth, Wind, & Fire crushed my dreams.
[Sobbing.]
All I've ever wanted to do is rap! We are here live at Dr.
Feelgood's Soul Extraction Lab, as Aldremach Maggotbone prepares to collect Mark Lilly's massive soul.
[Crying.]
I failed you, Mark.
I failed you! Oh, stop being such a baby.
Drinks are on me, once I cash in my shares.
- Top shelf? - Mm-hmm.
Deal.
Oh [screaming.]
Your soul is mine, Mark Lilly.
[Laughing wickedly.]
[Laughing wickedly.]
Ah! [Laughing.]
I did it! Aw! What? What the hell is that crap? His soul is no bigger than a pea.
This can't be happening.
I saw the X-Rays myself.
Get these cameras out of here.
Get these cameras the [Bleep.]
out of here!! That was the scene yesterday as Mark Lilly's supposedly massive soul turned out to be a massive bust for Maggotbone Soul Industries, whose stock plummeted to a new low by the end of trading.
Still no word as to what caused the former soul titan to put his faith in such a pathetic loser.
What she doesn't know is that before I gave up my soul, this pathetic loser sold Aldremach short.
Dr.
Feelgood's Wellness Clinic, tomorrow morning.
Before heading to the soul extraction lab, I stopped by my local soul broker and bet on Aldremach's stock to plummet.
After that, it was a simple matter of devaluing my own soul.
I spent the entire night debauching myself through acts I never thought I would be capable of.
I had to choke down my inherent morality and remind myself that I was doing it for the greater good, although I did catch myself having some fun at Charlie Sheen's place.
You know, he's nice, and he parties hard.
By morning, I was confident I had rendered my soul totally worthless.
A reverse grinching, if you will.
Aw! What? Well, this is utterly worthless.
Back to being the laughing stock of the soul exchange.
After a two hours of rooting through the medical waste dumpster at the clinic, my soul was once again my own Ah! Along with $50,000, which I promptly invested in a sensible college fund for my future children, Ethan and Desiree.
And, well, that about sums it up.
Now, if I'm not mistaken, I believe we have a concert to go to.
Whoo! So do you also to watch the Gossip Girl? Ugh.
Ladies and pre-ladies, please welcome to the stage Francis Grimes and the Family von Rap.
Vera, drop the beat.
[Classic hip-hop beat.]
Well, I was walking down the street looking at the sidewalk, moving to the beat chillin' like a beanstalk rockin', talkin' fly hip-hoppin' Where's Dustin? What is happening? Stop rapping, you horrible old man! Oof.
I really hope he doesn't quit his day job.
It's not easy being human.
We can forget to take care of ourselves.
Come on, you can do this! We can forget to keep each other's best interests at heart Bartender, Red Bull and vodka.
Oh, right, my office.
Or to make time for our friends.
This was the funnest day ever! - BFFs? - BFFs.
We can let our imaginations get carried away.
I'm the Kevin Costner to your Whitney Houston.
I'm to young for that reference, dog.
But one thing we should never forget [Crowd booing.]
Is to have soul.