Ugly Americans (2010) s02e13 Episode Script

The Roast of Twayne the Boneraper

Hmm, do I want goobers or jujubes? [Gasps] Twayne the bone raper.
[Whimpers] But what they don't realize is that the top can be a scary place.
I just want to apologize to my mom for not being as evil as she wanted.
Oh, God! I'm gonna die here! [Screams] Twayne the bone raper? Delivery for you.
[Breathes heavily] "Congratulations to our fearless leader"-- Oh, I can be such a scaredy-cat sometimes.
[Bug hisses] Ooh, a bug! Get it off! [Intense orchestral music] [Screams] Now, as you all know, we're throwing Twayne a roast, and Twayne himself asked me to be on the dais, so I thought I'd try out some of my material right here, right now.
All right.
Here we go.
This isn't Twayne's first roast.
As a matter of fact, he uses his crock-pot most weeknights.
[Rimshot] Twayne seems pretty horny.
Maybe that's because he has horns on his head.
[Rimshot] See? "Horny" can mean a couple different things if you think about it.
This is going to be a problem.
Hey, friends, wicked excited for your zingers tomorrow.
If you don't rip me to shreds at that roast, I'm going to be personally offended.
He's gonna love my performance.
I've got puns and rimshots and then more puns.
Decorations are a blast, but I've got comedy gold to mine with my punch line pickax.
Take off the kid gloves.
You're just not funny.
Please don't take a bland, flavorless crap on our night.
[Chuckles] Well, we'll see whose "crap" is bland and flavorless when I knock them death.
Ugh, he can't even exit on a good line.
Stop being the unfunny friend, jokes that rhyme-- With a bibliography like this, I can't lose.
Punny me, punny you? What the [bleep] is this garbage? I'm trying to get edgier for Twayne's roast.
Well, you're in luck.
After I showed Leonard my old stand-up tape, they begged me to MC the roast.
Ladies, you're beautiful.
I love you, ladies.
You're beautiful, but a lot of y'all are not washing yo' ass properly.
Women need to wash they ass.
Get a febreze or a glade plugin and plug it in that ass.
Oh, I'm gravy.
I'm gravy.
Wow, you had them eating out of the palm of your hand, but I don't know if I could come up with a routine like that.
Okay, I'll write your set for you.
Here's what I'm gonna need from you: A list of Twayne's faults and your undying commitment to my material.
[Applause] Welcome to the roast of Twayne the bone raper.
Throw me on the spit! Whoo! [Laughs] [Cheers and applause] Twayne, are you happy to be here? Say, Callie, I may be dummy Twayne, but Twayne's the real dummy.
The puppet's talking on its own! [Laughs] Priceless! [Cheers and applause] How about a few impressions? Bobby de Niro.
Are you speaking with me, Twayne? There's no one else here, so you must be speaking to me.
[Laughter] You know you're a demon when someone tells you to go to hell and you're already there.
Oh, it's funny 'cause I don't have to think.
Our next roaster is the answer to the question, "is there anything I won't [bleep]?" The queen of mean, Lisa Lampanelli, everyone.
[Cheers and applause] Look at this dais, huh? We got more unknown organisms up here than my last pap smear.
[Laughs] Callie Maggotbone's here.
What a body on her, huh? Her boobs are about as natural as Leonard's hard-on.
Oh, here it comes.
Leonard, hey, must have been a lonely 300 years before Viagra.
No wonder they called it the dark ages, which incidentally is what I call my Ver-Gina.
[Laughter] And finally, the man of the hour, Twayne the bone raper.
Seriously, has anyone ever seen this guy naked? Now I know why they call it a redwood.
[Laughter and cheers] I'm really worried these jokes are too mean.
Okay, after all the work I just put into your set, don't you dare undersell it out there.
Do you understand me? Remember, it's not you.
It's your new stage persona, Rick nightingale.
All right, do good.
[Groans] A lot of people think of this next performer as a wet blanket and not just because his girlfriend's a squirter.
Pease give it up for Mark Lilly.
Mark Lilly, everyone.
[Tough rock music] Actually, that goody-two-shoes couldn't make it tonight.
I'm Rick nightingale, you dick licks.
Uh, Twayne, Twayne's so cut that when his neck vein bulges, it looks exactly like his favorite snack: Dick.
I guess that's why his nickname around the office is [bleep]sucker.
[Crowd gasps] Hey, Twayne, I got you a little gift.
[Moans nervously] Why are you doing this? For you, buddy.
I've never made someone cry from laughing before.
What a rush.
Seriously, Twayne's job is so easy, a monkey could do it, if you could find a monkey dumb enough to waste its life.
[Crowd boos] Get off the stage.
Yeah, what's the difference between Twayne and an expired condom? An expired condom occasionally works.
Hey, you leave Twayne alone, you monster.
He's a good man! [Crying loudly] Uh, but this isn't Twayne's first roast.
Yeah, he uses his crock-pot a lot cook food in.
[Crowd boos] Dicks? Okay, wow.
Well, it's customary for the roastee to say a few words, but I think it might be best under the circumstances if everyone just filed out of here as quietly and orderly as possible.
No, God damn it.
I need to say a few things.
Twayne, I'm really sorry.
You had your turn to speak.
Now it's mine.
You think I'm a joke? You think my job is easy? Then why don't you do it? I have an announcement to make.
Mark Lilly is now in charge of the D.
I quit! [All gasp] [Cries loudly] Listen, everyone, that wasn't really-- Mark Lilly was my stage persona.
Rick nightingale, he had a tough upbringing on the streets of Detroit-- [cheers and applause] Hello, anyone home? Twayne? [Sobbing] Don't look.
I'm a hideous failure.
The biggest joke at my roast was me.
Hey, hey, come on.
Those are Mark Lilly's words, words that he wrote on his own without help from anyone.
But you know what? He's not the problem.
You are.
[Sobs] I am? Mark tore you down, Twayne, and now Randall's here to build you back up for a small fee-- well, actually, quite a large fee.
I'll teach you that no matter what your problem is, the cause is fear.
My system works for anyone.
Hey, I'm anyone.
So when can we start? We already have.
First step, we're gonna teach you how to wash yo' ass properly.
Damn, yo' ass stink.
Put a tic tac in that [bleep].
I think we can all agree this isn't how the three of us imagined Mark Lilly would assume control of the D.
, but I'm hoping now we can move on and focus on doing a bang-up job of helping out our fellow citizens.
That sounds really constructive.
Wake me when Mark's not in charge.
Don't forget to submit a vacation request.
Your schedule, Mr.
- 9:00 A.
: Lunch.
Twayne's entire day is filled with lunches.
Why wouldn't he just call that "dinner"? There must be some actual business to take care of.
Our yearly budget.
It requires the director's signature-- Wait.
to the department of birthdays? What the hell is that? Allow me to show you.
[Device beeps] The former director wanted his own elevator to fart in.
Let loose, Mr.
Enjoy your success.
[Farts loudly] Oof.
That is musty.
I present the department of birthdays! Welcome, Mr.
Joyce, get these men some refreshments! - Oh.
- Bitch.
As you can see, sir, we specialize in all aspects of celebrating D.
staff birthdays.
Joyce! - [Whimpers nervously] Employee birthday cards are designed and written here.
Oh, we're in luck! A reading.
Put down the W-2S and requests for vacation.
Put a pin in today's sexual harassment orientation.
We all know how human a resource you are.
Happy Birthday to you, Beth in hr.
[Applause] The D.
birthday singers.
They're practicing the beloved and world-famous traditional birthday song.
Happy Birthday to-- - Birthday time is here again.
Exactly, Mr.
Well done.
Finally, the bakery.
I know somebody who's gonna love this cake: Goose Kevin! I am beyond impressed.
Next you're gonna tell me you can bake birthday fun directly into the cake.
I'm sorry.
We can't do that.
But extreme radical celebrity chef Guy Fieri can! What are you waiting for? Deep-fry that bitch.
His salary's kind of excessive, don't you think? In fact, the budget for your whole department kind ofis.
What are--what-- what are you saying? He's saying you're [bleep] canned.
The birthday department is over.
Get packing, people.
As you wish, Mr.
Abort! Abort! Joyce, I blame you, you gimpy, dateless bitch! No sense in this going to waste.
Well, right about now, you're probably asking yourself why we're at Le Bernardin enjoying an incredibly expensive tasting menu plus wine pairing.
Lunch is my favorite meal of the day.
Ask anyone.
This isn't just lunch.
After being humiliated in front of a large group of people, I need to teach you how to get your confidence back, and to do so, I've poisoned your amuse-bouche with arsenic.
That was 12 courses ago! I will administer the antidote only after you are able to secure a date with one of the notoriously snobby and judgmental women dining at this restaurant, so get mingling.
Hello, my name is Twayne.
You look lovely today, madam.
I think we-- [Groans and gurgles] [Screams] He'll be covering it.
I got to say, Fieri makes a great cake.
[Door slams] Ahem.
- Is this-- - Yes, sir.
Goose Kevin.
So you cancel my birthday, then eat my cake.
Enjoying my beak, you bastard? Um, Mr.
Kevin-- It's Goose Kevin! Do you know I got up at 3:00 this morning to put on my birthday suit? You know how hard it is to button buttons when you're a goose person, you insensitive prick? You don't have a friend with fingers who could have helped you out on that? No! Yesterday Dennis in accounting had his birthday party.
Oh, there was cake and fun and laughter, but today, suddenly, birthdays are too expensive.
So when my kids ask me how my day was, I'll have to tell them that my boss wishes I'd never been born.
I don't even know you.
This is my first day on the job.
And this is how you get to the top? Canceling birthdays? I was just trying to save money for important-- Shut your man lips.
As a goose people's representative, I'm calling an emergency meeting of the general assembly.
What's the general assembly? It's the governing body that brings together all the species of New York City in accordance with the integration treaty.
The treaty upholds the peace.
Without the D.
to enforce it, the city would descend into chaos.
[Indistinct murmuring] [Clears throat] Good day, assembly.
Today my birthday will go uncelebrated.
- That's outrageous! - It's his birthday! Suck my bulbs! Order! Order! Director, if you please.
Uh, hi, everyone.
I just got the director job today, and, well, I thought it would be efficient if we shut down the department of birthdays.
[Murmurs of disapproval] What? Guy Fieri is making $2 1/2 million! It is with a heavy heart that the goose people secede from the integration treaty.
I bid you good day.
Not good.
The carrot men also withdraw, and I might add the director blew off all six of the lunches I had scheduled today.
I bid you good carrot! We will not be part of a union that does not include carrot men.
So it is agreed.
The New York integration treaty is dissolved.
[All shouting] Let's go! Freaky biscuit is on the move.
Freaky biscuit is secure.
Is there a process of appeals on the code name? D.
Director Mark Lilly's shocking elimination of the birthday articles has led to the collapse of the integration treaty.
Now after decades of peaceful coexistence, creatures are acting like monsters rather than citizens.
Ooh, hey, look.
A sandwich.
- [Growls] - [Screams] [All screaming] - [Growls] You may ask yourself why we're at a tailor being fit for $10,000 suits.
Well, it's to make you confront your fear of getting hurt again.
Are you sure I'm really afraid of that? Let's find out! I call this "The Cat Bag" by Randall Skeffington.
Their razor-sharp claws represent the barbs that Mark hurled at you.
Eventually, you will become numb to even the most agonizing bites and scratches.
[Laughs] Put him in the cat bag! - Mm.
- [Gasps] Ow! [Cats yowling] This doesn't make any sense! Oh, this doesn't make any sense! [Siren wailing] Welcome to the director's command bunker.
Now that you've turned New York into a denf roving maniacs, we have no choice but to destroy the city.
Let's get comfortable and watch these ass[bleep] go up in flames! Step one: We blow the moors the city.
[Explosion] Step two: Activate bomb.
[Device beeps] [All screaming] Help! The explosion will send the city to the bottom of the sea, where it will join Atlantis in the watery grave of failed liberal experiments.
But the three of us and Trish here will evacuate and repopulate Manhattan in a government-subsidized Iowa cornfield.
Wait, you mean rebuild, not repopulate, right? I get her on Friday nights.
Geeh! I just need a chance to reason with Goose Kevin.
I'll indulge your cute hippie fantasy, but the escape pod leaves in an hour, with or without you.
Here are your keys to the director's top secret security vehicle.
That's a Segway with a plastic bubble over it.
Keen eye, Lilly.
[Sirens wailing] [Yells] Suck my balls! Suck my balls! Suck my balls! Now you're probably asking yourself, "Why are we here, in the presidential suite of the Waldorf Astoria?" I have a lot less curiosity than you give me credit for.
Because you're gonna conquer your fear of heights and gravity I don't fear heights or gravity! While I conquer my fear of sensual massage.
Oh, God, it sounds scary just saying it.
I've had enough! Your program hasn't taught me anything.
I'm Twayne the bone raper, and I don't care what you, Mark Lilly, or anyone else says! I'm through being pushed around! [Applause] - You've just completed the last step: Telling me off.
Congratulations, Twayne.
You've conquered fear.
Now go conquer life! I'm stuck.
Goose Kevin, I'm here to apologize.
I'm sorry, did someone fart and it came out sounding like words? I didn't realize just how important birthdays were, especially Goose Kevin's birthday.
But I think we can agree for birthdays is insane, right? I sentence you to a public pecking! Bread crumb him, boys! [Yelling] [Squawks] Oh, God.
[Yells] Help! Ow, your beaks are so sharp.
I didn't know that.
Ow! Happy Birthday time is here again it's birthday time for you, my friend it's a very special day for you, so All: blow out the candles and have a piece of cake may your dreams come true on the wish you make open up your presents for goodness' sake our birthday friend Goose Kevin I'm so sorry we missed your birthday, Goose Kevin.
[Grunts] Uh-oh.
Look what I did.
[Laughter] Never too early or too late for a birthday! Let's party! [All cheering] Twayne, I take back everything I said at your roast.
I always thought you were a do-nothing figurehead, but now I understand that your schmoozing, buck-passing, and refusal to rock the boat are exactly what the position requires.
I'd like to offer my resignation.
I'd be happy to take my job back, after that thing is dealt with.
Oh, God.
I forgot about the bomb! We're all gonna die! Did you learn nothing today? If you ignore a problem, somebody else always solves it.
All we have to do is point it out.
Oh, no! There's a bomb in that briefcase! It's going to sink the city! [All screaming] I will fly the bomb out of the city.
No, you can't, Goose Kevin! It's your birthday! The Goose people will rejoin the integration treaty under one condition: Never again will anyone's birthday go uncelebrated.
I solemnly swear to uphold all birthdays.
Remember me to your children.
Everybody has to die baby, please don't cry That is one heroic goose.
See you in a dream that can be a lonely place waiting there to see your face baby, please don't baby, please don't take too long [Explosion] [All cheering] Suck my balls! I say if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
***with a cream cheese frosting, Guy.
- Bummer.
- Kidding.
You can't overdo ***.
But sometimes, even if it is broke, don't fix it.
I'm 18! Because change isn't always necessarily for the best.