Ugly Betty s01e04 Episode Script
Fey's Sleigh Ride
I made a terrible mistake.
Did you realize this before or after Gina dumped you? It's his H.
M.
O.
They're not gonna cover dad anymore.
Got a weird call from some woman.
She said to ask you about Bayonne scrape yard? I haven't the foggiest.
As long as there's this wedge between the two of them, their relationship is doomed.
Perhaps it's time I drive that wedge a little deeper.
# Can I get, get, get # # To know, know, know, know you # # Better, better, baby # Wow, this is so cool.
I've always wanted to come to networking night at the Rack.
And, oh, look! There's free grilled cheese.
Okay, ground rules.
Stop with the chatty, don't stand so close to me, and no one eats the grilled cheese.
She's having one.
Well, of course Fat Carol is eating one.
What do you expect? Anyway, so how does this work? You have to work the room.
"Work the room"? Circulate, baby.
Introduce yourself.
We want everyone to meet you.
Okay.
Wish me luck.
Bye.
I'm sorry.
It-it-it's my first time.
More classic moments for Betty's wall of shame.
Hi.
Excuse me.
We haven't officially met.
Um, I'm Betty Suarez.
I work at "Mode," too.
I always thought I'd be good at your job.
How long do you think you'll last? Well, unless you know something that I don't, a while, I hope.
That's too bad.
You know, I love that you're having a grilled cheese.
Most people at "Mode" don't eat.
Sometimes they shouldn't.
Just a minute.
Carlo Medina.
I work with the editor in chief at "Isabella.
" Oh, Betty Suarez, assistant to Daniel Meade at "Mode.
" Oh, I know who you are.
You're a legend.
Housekeeping swears they haven't seen a red music box.
Any luck? Does it look like I've had any luck? Daniel and Wilhelmina are still waiting for you to sign off on the holiday spread.
What? Oh.
Keep looking.
Seem to be a lot of layers.
I'd like to see more skin.
It's a postnuclear scene.
Exposed skin would melt off their bodies.
My bad.
I understand you have a holiday spread for me.
Yeah.
Yes, we do.
We think you're gonna like it.
In this world of global warming and political unrest, we give you a postapocalyptic Christmas.
A "Mad Max-mas" if you will.
I discovered this designer out of Vietnam- Anh Vu-Tran- so hot, no one in the states knows about her.
She's doing an exclusive line of flak jackets just for us.
We got all the props and equipment on hold for thursday.
We just need to pull the trigger.
So let's walk you through the mock-ups, show you what we have in mind.
Yeah, sounds good.
Uh, I have to get back upstairs.
He was disturbed? He looked very disturbed.
Mm.
He should.
He got sloppy.
And we got a music box.
Sorry I'm late! I hope you guys didn't wait for me to eat dinner.
What are you doing here? - Tuesday's tamale night.
- We broke up.
Walter always comes on tamale night.
He cheated on me.
I'm not sure I'm ready to just jump back in.
It's tamale night.
Betty, I didn't raise you to be rude to guests.
Now we saved you some tamales.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'm starving.
I went to this really cool work thing tonight, except it's not professional to eat, so I just had a mango margarita.
Here you go.
Hey.
Dad, you know what the doctor said.
You can't have coffee.
Anyway, so I spent the entire evening just networking and giving out my business cards.
- What? - What? Nothing.
It's just, I find it interesting.
You're drinking now.
Okay.
You used to get woozy from your astringent.
Anyway, it was really fun, and I finally felt like I belonged.
- You're a legend.
- Me? You saved the Fabia layout in your first week.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
It didn't happen like that.
I've slaved away for years, and I'm not even trusted to pick out a belt.
What is your secret? Um just, uh, doing my job.
And she's modest, too.
What are you drinking? Um uh, mango margarita? Oh, you should have seen her.
She was so gross.
All she did was talk about herself the entire night.
Yeah, that doesn't sound like Betty.
Ugh.
Well, get a drink in her, and it is the Betty show.
She would not shut up, bragging about the Fabia layout.
It was all Daniel's vision.
It'd be really wrong for me to take any credit for the layout.
Wow.
An assistant who doesn't trash-talk their boss.
I know.
Trash-talking is what I do best.
Well, second best.
It's really easy when you have a good boss.
You know, I'm really, really lucky to work for Daniel.
And she was clueless as to how to handle herself.
Shock.
You should have seen when she pulled out her business cards.
I just got 'em today.
I don't usually carry entire boxes in my purse.
Well, not since kleenex came out with the travel size.
No, they did.
Tragic.
They're laughing at you, Betty, not with you.
Poor cow has no idea we only invited her so people could see she really exists.
She's like the real life Snuffleupagus - only hairier.
- Marc! What did you find out that's useful to me?! No choice gossip? No dirt to help me destroy any lesser magazine? Uh, I, uh, I'll do better next time.
Do you know how many curly-haired, effete sycophants there are waiting to replace you? I know.
You have five of them on speed dial.
Don't make me call.
Anyway, it was an amazing night.
Are you gonna eat that? Oh, right.
I forgot.
You probably need it to soak up the booze.
You know what? You'd be perfect for my school project.
What school project? They gave us an assignment today to write a paper about someone whose job we admire.
We get the whole day off tomorrow to go observe them.
Can you take me to "Mode"? Yeah, of course, if it's okay with your mom.
You know, the fashion world isn't that great.
It's a bunch of self-serving, shallow tramps who starve themselves and backstab each other for expensive clothes, no self-respecting person would be caught dead in.
So can I go? Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Oh, my god.
You're a celebrity! The Meade security guard knows your name! Oh, look, here are some of my friends.
Just because we're sharing an elevator doesn't mean we're friends.
Marc, Amanda, this is, uh, Justin.
Oh, so that's pregnancy weight.
No, um, he's my nephew.
Oh, my god.
Manolo Blahniks, spring 2004! Wearing two-year-old shoes.
Even I didn't catch that.
Definitely not your son.
I got nothin'! I hate this.
Don't take it out on the furniture.
It's late october.
I got to shoot the holiday spread this week - It's the tube! - Shh, Justin! - Sorry.
- Go sit at my desk.
It's right there.
I went to go get the tanks-gone! I went to book the models- gone! I went to gethe burned out Christmas trees-gone! "Isabella" took them all out from under us.
- Calm down.
- How can I calm down when somebody leaked our ideas? "Isabella" magazine literally stole our entire feature spread! Oh, my god.
C- Carlo Medina.
He bought me a drink.
"Isabella" magazine is doing a postapocalyptic Christmas.
They copied our entire concept.
They didn't just copy it.
They took it.
The holiday issue is our biggest source of ad revenue for the year.
We lose advertisers.
Our circulation goes in the toilet.
Which is precisely why "Mode" does not tolerate leaks.
Now I will give the guilty party one chance to come forward and confess.
Did any of you speak to anyone at "Isabella"? Well, then, cowards, we'll do it the hard way.
Everyone is considered guilty and will be treated as such until there's a confession.
But by noon on thursday, someone's head will roll.
See who entered and exited the building.
I left Fey's music box on my desk, and now it's gone.
Investigate everyone.
You have to find out who took it.
Why didn't you burn it with the other things? I couldn't.
That music box is personal.
But it connects you to Fey.
It could provide a motive.
Who knows about the affair? No one.
No one but my wife.
We have two days to conceive and execute an entirely new concept.
If any of you have any plans, I need you to cancel 'em.
I want everyone working together to pull this off.
What Daniel's trying to say is kiss your loved ones good-bye and expect to come home to dead pets.
Schmoopy.
Well, what are you waiting for? You kicked me with your two-year-old shoes! Have something to be nervous about, Carol? I ate half a bagel.
All three of us talked to Carlo Medina from "Isabella" last night.
What exactly did you tell him? Not that much.
So you can tell me, is Daniel Meade a complete incompetent or more like a slow-but-cute younger brother? Neither.
Daniel is a lot smarter than people think he is.
Really? I just find that so hard to believe.
Okay, well, like thursday, we have our feature shoot- a postapocalyptic Christmas.
It's really cool.
We rented tanks, and it was all Daniel's idea.
Tanks.
Ooh, Betty.
Too bad.
It looks like you're the leak.
Oh, well.
You didn't really fit in here anyway.
- Ta.
- Wait, no! All I mentioned were tanks.
You guys talked to him, too.
Yeah, what did you talk to Carlo about? Okay, first of all, he talked to me.
To assistants.
What are you doing here all alone? That's not like you.
I just don't understand it.
She's like Liza at the pride parade.
Betty, Betty, Betty! Oh, they just want to hear about the postapocalyptic Christmas spread.
Is she taking credit for that? Wilhelmina's the one who found the flak jackets.
There's this hot new designer, Anh Vu-Tran- gonna be huge! You featuring anyone else? Oh, when you've got the best, you can forget the rest.
Okay, so we have tanks and flak jackets.
I'm guessing the cosmo fountain might have spilled something, too.
I had one drink.
Unlike the two of you, I was actually trying to figure out what was going on at "Isabella.
" So what are you guys doing for your holiday issue? Oh, the usual-boring.
I'm much more interested in hearing about you and your magazine.
Well, since you ask, "Mode" is using one of my ideas.
Do you know "Planet of the apes"? I dressed as Dr.
Zaius one Halloween.
Mm.
Well, we're doing the statue of liberty scene, but with Santa buried half in the sand, holding up a new year's baby.
I only know the movie 'cause I dated a geek once.
Maybe you will again.
Buy you another drink? Yes.
Carlo's straight? So I guess this means all three of us need to go to Wilhelmina and confess.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Have you been smoking one of your ponchos? There's nothing to confess.
We don't know it was us.
How can you say that? We told three tiny parts of a giant shoot.
How'd "Isabella" find out about the burned out Christmas trees or the scrap metal reindeer? That must have been someone else.
We have to keep quiet and hope that the real leaker is found.
No.
I can't do that.
Look, I won't say anything about you guys, but I need to confess what I did.
There were only a few people from "Mode" at the Rack.
If you say the leak happened there, it'll draw a line straight to us.
Even if it does, they can't fire all of us.
Can't they? Photo department, 2003- got axed for mentioning the words "sepia tones" at a party.
Well, look, I just-I don't like lying.
Neither do I.
Okay, that's a lie, but we're just asking you to omit.
It's like a secret- our secret.
Look, you are one of us now, Betty- the assistants club.
We have to protect each other.
Well, I mean, I guess keeping quiet is better than getting you guys fired.
Then we're agreed? Yeah, okay.
We're all in this together.
Maybe she's different now, you know? Fancy job and drinking You cheated on her.
I know, I know.
God, why did I do that? Very, very sorry about that.
It's just-I I love her.
I can fix that.
Oh, wait a minute.
You like it in spanish.
Oh, you know, many years ago, I had a fight with, um, Betty's mother- a big one.
She banned me from our bed for a week.
Ouch.
I knew I had to do something good.
So I thought of her favorite movie, "Pretty woman," and I stole a page from Richard Gere.
What do you mean? Like you paid her? No.
I did the scene from the end of the movie, Walter, when he climbs up the fire escape and declares his love for her.
Wait a minute.
That-that's not supposed to happen.
Well it worked like a charm.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know if a big, romantic gesture will work on the new Betty.
There is no new Betty.
Just new surroundings.
Betty is the same.
I guess you're right.
- Did you do that? - Uh, no.
That's actually the phone.
Hello? This is Anne Frazier from mercer park regional H.
M.
O.
I'm just calling to confirm your 2:00 appointment.
Actually, uh that's a mistake.
Uh, I don't-I don't need to come in.
Are you sure? A Betty Suarez called at least 25 times.
No.
It won't be necessary.
Well, it sounded like you have some pretty legitimate claim.
No.
Thank you.
Sorry.
What are you gonna tell him? What are you gonna tell? You know, we might be better off not saying anything to Bradford.
Mm.
You sure that's a good idea? Dad's approved every holiday spread since 1986.
Well, as the top two people here, we need to protect each other.
And even though it wasn't our fault that there was a leak, we'll both be blamed if we admit it before we have a fix.
Okay.
This will be our secret.
We'll work with each other to fix it.
I'll start with the leak.
I'll tackle the new spread.
Perfect.
We're in this together.
Are you as creeped out as I am? More.
Oh, there you are.
Here I am.
I want you to call the agency.
Tell them the concept is changing.
I want you to get the wardrobe we rejected, and I want to see it again.
Dig up the back holiday issues of for the last 50 years, photocopy the feature spreads, distribute them to the editors.
Do you work here? Someday.
This is my nephew.
Um, he's just doing a school- - Amanda.
- Yes? We need you to get snacks and water.
Flat and sparkling, half cold, half room temp, and when you get back with those, we'll need to get lunches because no one is leaving this building.
But who's gonna answer the phones? Get an intern.
Please, let it be Narciso Rodriguez.
Daniel Meade's office.
Daniel Meade, please.
It's her.
I told her I'm not taking her calls till she tells me who she is.
I'm sorry, unless I can say who's calling, I'm gonna have to take a message.
Oh, well, then tell Daniel we both know his father's been acting very strangely.
He's a man of many secrets, and one of them is in the music box.
"In the music box"? I have no idea what that means.
It'll come to you, dear.
So tell me who you know at "Isabella.
" You don't have any reindeer? What about a big goat? Wait hold on.
I have another line.
Hello? Styles just came out.
They still have jobs.
- That's good.
- That's horrendous.
But features goes in at noon.
Pray.
Hello? Features went in at 12:00, came out at 12:20.
They're still employed.
Hello? Oh.
One second.
- Marc? - Photo editors cleared.
Accessories cleared.
Art department cleared.
Well, how many departments are left? Beauty and accounting.
Well, you know those virgins in accounting didn't do it.
We'll hope the sluts in beauty did.
Good luck.
I want to strangle that filthy rat - that leaked the spread.
- This dress is fabulous.
I bet it was that bitch, skinny Carol.
I think I'd belt it.
That, young man, is vintage Valentino.
- I'm just saying.
- Really? Do you think? Go on then.
Go on to the accessory closet.
Get a belt, and we'll see what it looks like.
Go on.
Wait.
Hurry back.
We gotta go get dinners.
Oh, leave him here.
He's having fun.
He's all right.
Really? Yeah.
Besides, I got some elf costumes I need to fit later on, and little people sort of make me nervous.
Well, thank you.
Okay.
No.
Betty.
Me? Could I have a moment, please? Um, did I do something wrong? Daniel's been receiving nuisance phone calls from a strange woman.
I assume you listen in? Yes, sir.
Um she wouldn't tell us who she is.
Well, we think she might be a designer we fired a couple of years ago.
She threatens to sue from time to time.
Has she called recently? Yes, yes, this morning actually.
Um it didn't make much sense.
Still, I'd like to know exactly what she said for certain legal reasons.
Uh, well, she said that, uh, you've been acting very strangely, and you have many secrets, and one of them is in the music box.
Music box? Did she say where this music box might be? No.
I-I asked her.
Um she wouldn't say anything.
She's not very forthcoming.
Well, she's certainly intent on wasting our time.
Excuse me! Wilhelmina's dinner.
Beauty cleared.
What are we supposed to do? That depends.
Did you hit the powerball last night? - No.
- Then keep quiet.
Hey! It's not yours.
Here's your dinner.
- You must be starving.
- Thanks.
You know what? You can take off.
I'm sure your nephew is sick of the closet by now anyway.
You worked hard today.
Okay.
You know what, Daniel? I have something to say.
The night before the leak, I was at the Rack, and I was talking to a guy from "Isabella"- You know what, Betty? I don't really have time to hear about this right now.
You told me not to hide things from you, Daniel.
Listen to me.
I don't have to know about everything.
Especially if knowing about it means I'd end up losing you.
So have a great night.
I got your favorite salad-endive and arugula.
No dressing, but I did get a few extra lemon slices because, well, you've earned them.
Is that frisée? No, no.
They were? You'll notice I ripped your lettuce into bite-sized pieces and decobbed your baby corn.
Interesting.
Thank you.
Was Carlo Medina from "Isabella" at the Rack last night? Hmm? There's also a product closet, like, with moisturizers and hair balms and there's ten different kinds of- Justin, why don't you put all of that stuff in your paper? Fine.
Is somebody gonna get that? I guess not.
Ew.
Wilhelmina wants to see us at 10:00 tomorrow.
She knows.
Oh, my god.
I have that same Jesus night-light.
So this is very flea market chic.
Ah, these must be your friends from, uh, "The Mode.
" Just "Mode," dad.
Um, this is my father Ignacio and my sister Hilda.
Ho-la.
It's, uh, "hola.
" No.
There's an "h" in it.
Betty? This lotion is made from crushed diamonds and Hey, guys.
I didn't know you were here.
Nice.
You stole the good stuff.
Justin.
Homework.
Oh, um Amanda, those are plastic.
Ew.
Betty, maybe we should offer your friends a snack.
We have flan.
What's a flan? It's a delicious custard.
Oh, bring it.
How about a "Lawrence of Arabia" Christmas? I don't even know what that means.
It means that we can use the 21 tons of sand that are already there.
Okay.
All right.
Off that, the sand is desert sand like Africa, so maybe instead of Christmas, we do other winter holidays.
Kwanzaa? Did you just gesture at me when you said Kwanzaa? No.
How about this? Fey's sleigh ride- the biggest-selling holiday issue in the history of "Mode.
" Yeah, I know it well.
Let me see that.
It's traditional.
I like it.
Old is the new new.
When Fey put herself in the photo, it sent shock waves.
No editor ever appeared in the center spread.
I think in the year of her death, an empty sleigh would be a nice tribute.
What do you think? Yeah.
Let's do it.
We're pinning it on Fat Carol.
What? Well, we have to say something when Wilhelmina calls us in.
Marc, that's not fair.
She didn't do anything.
You know she calls you "Fat Betty," right? See? This is why I hate secrets because they turn into lies, which are much worse.
Fat Carol hates her job.
Would she eat so many grilled cheeses if she cared? Betty, we're doing this for you.
We could get other jobs, but look how long it took you to land this one.
Well, I just didn't realize that keeping so many secrets was such a big part of my job description.
Betty do you have another pan of this stuff? You're disgusting.
Healthy appetite that girl has.
Don't tell her we have ice cream.
You know, Betty sometimes we have to keep secrets to survive.
Hold it! You know, it's too bad about your Wilhelmina meeting.
We'll miss you around here.
Shut up, Carol.
I don't know if there's rehab for whatever this is, but consider it before starting the job hunt.
And, Betty, I think I might miss you most of all.
It was nice having someone Fatter than me.
Fat Carol.
Fat Carol.
Fat Carol.
Good morning, Daniel.
Here's your coffee.
I didn't realize you were gonna come in so early.
Where'd you get that? Are you okay? Do you need me to get you something? When I was 12, I had the worst Christmas of my life.
My, uh father had just gotten back from Switzerland, brought my mom a music box.
Exactly like this.
She loved it.
A few days later, she hid the thing in the attic set fire to a thousand copies of "Mode" magazine.
No one would ever tell me why.
So is this your mother's? No.
This appeared here this morning.
Apparently my father bought two of them- one for his wife and, uh, one For his mistress.
That's why Fey put herself in the feature spread.
She was flaunting the affair in my mother's face.
I'm sorry, Daniel.
Was there anything inside? You know, the top lifts out.
This woman is trying to connect your father to Fey Sommers.
She's trying to do more than that, Betty.
She's trying to connect my dad to Fey's death.
I just got back from the studio.
There's still 21 tons of sand sitting there.
Maybe I should just go to the paramus mall and take pictures of kids with Santa.
No.
I know what we can do with that sand.
Follow me to the art department.
Come on.
Wait.
Daniel? You should probably know that I have a meeting with Wilhelmina in five minutes.
Really? You? Yeah, me and-and Amanda and Marc.
You sure you know what you're doing? Not a clue.
Just be careful what you say.
Justin, what are you doing here? I have to do some more research for my paper.
Sit down.
Thank you, Marc.
Daniel Meade's office.
Justin's school just called.
He's not there.
Is he with you? Yeah, he's-he's right here.
I'm gonna kill him.
I knew this would happen.
The fashion world is no place for a boy his age.
Well, he said he has to do more work for his paper.
Wake up, Betty.
There is no paper.
What? Yeah, he made the whe thing up so he could just ditch school and spend time in your world.
Well, I didn't know.
I don't even know how to deal with it.
I don't-I don't know what I'm gonna do with that boy.
You tell him that he is in big trouble when he gets home.
So you're ditching? It's not a big deal.
I'm missing P.
E.
and art.
We're sketching fruit.
That's not the point.
Justin, this place that you think is so glamorous it's not all it's cracked up to be.
It's people deceiving each other and hiding things and all kinds of stuff that's not good for a kid to be around.
Someday, maybe you'll end up working in a place like this, but you're not gonna get very far in life by lying.
That is not who we are.
Showtime.
Stay here and don't move.
Shall I ask questions, or do you want to just tell me what you know? Well, we were all at the Rack on tuesday night, and we just realized that we all saw the same thing- someone talking to Carlo Medina from "Isabella.
" Now as much as it hurts us to rat out a friend, we have to tell you.
It was Fat Carol.
I saw her, too.
Fat Carol leaked the spread.
Betty? Is that what you saw? No.
It was me.
I told Carlo everything.
You can go.
What?! Aren't you gonna fire her? If I fire her, Amanda, I'd have to fire all of you.
You're not the only one with informants.
I know exactly what happened.
The three of you might have leaked a portion of the spread, but that disgusting Fat Carol slept with Carlo and spilled everything.
- He slept with Fat Carol?! - He slept with Fat Carol?! He did what he had to do for his magazine.
So what happens now? Well, I'll consider the last day and a half your punishment.
You were drunk, you were horny and you were naive.
Fat Carol on the other hand, gave it up intentionally.
She gets the axe.
Now go before I change my mind.
Go! It's Christmas in october.
Oh, my god! It's just like "Top Model," except no one's crying.
Justin, go sit in that chair and don't talk to anybody unless they talk to you first.
So Wilhelmina told me what happened.
Daniel, I'm sorry for everything.
You know, it's okay to hide things sometimes, especially if not hiding them means I might lose you.
Here.
Shoo.
- Nice vest.
- Ralph Lauren.
We got it half-price because there's a small hole, but you can't even see it.
So kids at school- they like it? No.
They don't really get me.
Word of advice- be who you are, wear what you want, just learn how to run real fast.
All right, everyone.
Let's go, Marc! We need to shoot in five.
Step it up, people.
Hold it.
This isn't the concept I approved.
I've had final say on every holiday spread for the last 20 years.
Some things came up last minute that couldn't be avoided.
Our job is to fix the problem, Bradford, not to burden you with it.
You two are so full of crap.
Lucky for you, it looks quite good- maybe even better than Fey's.
- Okay, uh, let's- - Hold on.
You know, there's one thing missing.
Where did you find that? The attic.
I remembered mom had it.
Looks just like the one Fey had, don't you think? Yes.
Almost identical.
Good job, son.
Okay.
Can we get this thing going? My hair is gray, and I'm driving to the early bird special with my blinkers on.
What about the sand? Isn't that from the old shoot? Justin.
Say "snow.
" Snow.
Snow is a magical blanket.
It hides what's ugly and makes everything beautiful.
I'm sorry, but your father's not who he says he is.
I don't know what you're talking about.
According to our records, Ignacio Suarez is and dead.
Well, obviously that's a mistake.
Not on our end.
The social security number your father's been using belongs to somebody else.
Suspicions have been raised.
father and son are being driven further apart.
We couldn't have planned it any better.
Wilhelmina Slater.
Carlo Medina.
It is an honor to finally meet the legend in person.
I see I should add shameless suck-up to the list.
What list is that? I asked you here to tell you you are an underhanded bastard, a despicable, slimy weasel.
You have no moral compass, are utterly without scruples and will use anyone in your path to get what you want.
How can I entice you to work at "Mode"? Or rather spy for "Mode"? And I want you home by 4:00 every day.
And no TV for a week.
And no "Fashion TV" for a month.
Isn't any of this upsetting you? It was worth it.
Oh, "it was worth it.
" Thank you.
Hey, mija.
How was your day? It was a rough one.
Maybe a little cheese and jalapeño will help.
It's good.
I think I'm just gonna go to sleep.
Good night.
# Tale as old as time # # True as it can be # What the hell is that? # Barely even friends # # Then somebody bends # # Unexpectedly # # Just a little change # # Small to say the least # # Both a little scared # # Neither one prepared # # Beauty and the beast # Betty's favorite movie.
# Tale as old as time # # Tune as old as song # # Bittersweet and strange # # Finding you can change # # Learning you were wrong # # Beauty and the beast #
Did you realize this before or after Gina dumped you? It's his H.
M.
O.
They're not gonna cover dad anymore.
Got a weird call from some woman.
She said to ask you about Bayonne scrape yard? I haven't the foggiest.
As long as there's this wedge between the two of them, their relationship is doomed.
Perhaps it's time I drive that wedge a little deeper.
# Can I get, get, get # # To know, know, know, know you # # Better, better, baby # Wow, this is so cool.
I've always wanted to come to networking night at the Rack.
And, oh, look! There's free grilled cheese.
Okay, ground rules.
Stop with the chatty, don't stand so close to me, and no one eats the grilled cheese.
She's having one.
Well, of course Fat Carol is eating one.
What do you expect? Anyway, so how does this work? You have to work the room.
"Work the room"? Circulate, baby.
Introduce yourself.
We want everyone to meet you.
Okay.
Wish me luck.
Bye.
I'm sorry.
It-it-it's my first time.
More classic moments for Betty's wall of shame.
Hi.
Excuse me.
We haven't officially met.
Um, I'm Betty Suarez.
I work at "Mode," too.
I always thought I'd be good at your job.
How long do you think you'll last? Well, unless you know something that I don't, a while, I hope.
That's too bad.
You know, I love that you're having a grilled cheese.
Most people at "Mode" don't eat.
Sometimes they shouldn't.
Just a minute.
Carlo Medina.
I work with the editor in chief at "Isabella.
" Oh, Betty Suarez, assistant to Daniel Meade at "Mode.
" Oh, I know who you are.
You're a legend.
Housekeeping swears they haven't seen a red music box.
Any luck? Does it look like I've had any luck? Daniel and Wilhelmina are still waiting for you to sign off on the holiday spread.
What? Oh.
Keep looking.
Seem to be a lot of layers.
I'd like to see more skin.
It's a postnuclear scene.
Exposed skin would melt off their bodies.
My bad.
I understand you have a holiday spread for me.
Yeah.
Yes, we do.
We think you're gonna like it.
In this world of global warming and political unrest, we give you a postapocalyptic Christmas.
A "Mad Max-mas" if you will.
I discovered this designer out of Vietnam- Anh Vu-Tran- so hot, no one in the states knows about her.
She's doing an exclusive line of flak jackets just for us.
We got all the props and equipment on hold for thursday.
We just need to pull the trigger.
So let's walk you through the mock-ups, show you what we have in mind.
Yeah, sounds good.
Uh, I have to get back upstairs.
He was disturbed? He looked very disturbed.
Mm.
He should.
He got sloppy.
And we got a music box.
Sorry I'm late! I hope you guys didn't wait for me to eat dinner.
What are you doing here? - Tuesday's tamale night.
- We broke up.
Walter always comes on tamale night.
He cheated on me.
I'm not sure I'm ready to just jump back in.
It's tamale night.
Betty, I didn't raise you to be rude to guests.
Now we saved you some tamales.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'm starving.
I went to this really cool work thing tonight, except it's not professional to eat, so I just had a mango margarita.
Here you go.
Hey.
Dad, you know what the doctor said.
You can't have coffee.
Anyway, so I spent the entire evening just networking and giving out my business cards.
- What? - What? Nothing.
It's just, I find it interesting.
You're drinking now.
Okay.
You used to get woozy from your astringent.
Anyway, it was really fun, and I finally felt like I belonged.
- You're a legend.
- Me? You saved the Fabia layout in your first week.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
It didn't happen like that.
I've slaved away for years, and I'm not even trusted to pick out a belt.
What is your secret? Um just, uh, doing my job.
And she's modest, too.
What are you drinking? Um uh, mango margarita? Oh, you should have seen her.
She was so gross.
All she did was talk about herself the entire night.
Yeah, that doesn't sound like Betty.
Ugh.
Well, get a drink in her, and it is the Betty show.
She would not shut up, bragging about the Fabia layout.
It was all Daniel's vision.
It'd be really wrong for me to take any credit for the layout.
Wow.
An assistant who doesn't trash-talk their boss.
I know.
Trash-talking is what I do best.
Well, second best.
It's really easy when you have a good boss.
You know, I'm really, really lucky to work for Daniel.
And she was clueless as to how to handle herself.
Shock.
You should have seen when she pulled out her business cards.
I just got 'em today.
I don't usually carry entire boxes in my purse.
Well, not since kleenex came out with the travel size.
No, they did.
Tragic.
They're laughing at you, Betty, not with you.
Poor cow has no idea we only invited her so people could see she really exists.
She's like the real life Snuffleupagus - only hairier.
- Marc! What did you find out that's useful to me?! No choice gossip? No dirt to help me destroy any lesser magazine? Uh, I, uh, I'll do better next time.
Do you know how many curly-haired, effete sycophants there are waiting to replace you? I know.
You have five of them on speed dial.
Don't make me call.
Anyway, it was an amazing night.
Are you gonna eat that? Oh, right.
I forgot.
You probably need it to soak up the booze.
You know what? You'd be perfect for my school project.
What school project? They gave us an assignment today to write a paper about someone whose job we admire.
We get the whole day off tomorrow to go observe them.
Can you take me to "Mode"? Yeah, of course, if it's okay with your mom.
You know, the fashion world isn't that great.
It's a bunch of self-serving, shallow tramps who starve themselves and backstab each other for expensive clothes, no self-respecting person would be caught dead in.
So can I go? Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Oh, my god.
You're a celebrity! The Meade security guard knows your name! Oh, look, here are some of my friends.
Just because we're sharing an elevator doesn't mean we're friends.
Marc, Amanda, this is, uh, Justin.
Oh, so that's pregnancy weight.
No, um, he's my nephew.
Oh, my god.
Manolo Blahniks, spring 2004! Wearing two-year-old shoes.
Even I didn't catch that.
Definitely not your son.
I got nothin'! I hate this.
Don't take it out on the furniture.
It's late october.
I got to shoot the holiday spread this week - It's the tube! - Shh, Justin! - Sorry.
- Go sit at my desk.
It's right there.
I went to go get the tanks-gone! I went to book the models- gone! I went to gethe burned out Christmas trees-gone! "Isabella" took them all out from under us.
- Calm down.
- How can I calm down when somebody leaked our ideas? "Isabella" magazine literally stole our entire feature spread! Oh, my god.
C- Carlo Medina.
He bought me a drink.
"Isabella" magazine is doing a postapocalyptic Christmas.
They copied our entire concept.
They didn't just copy it.
They took it.
The holiday issue is our biggest source of ad revenue for the year.
We lose advertisers.
Our circulation goes in the toilet.
Which is precisely why "Mode" does not tolerate leaks.
Now I will give the guilty party one chance to come forward and confess.
Did any of you speak to anyone at "Isabella"? Well, then, cowards, we'll do it the hard way.
Everyone is considered guilty and will be treated as such until there's a confession.
But by noon on thursday, someone's head will roll.
See who entered and exited the building.
I left Fey's music box on my desk, and now it's gone.
Investigate everyone.
You have to find out who took it.
Why didn't you burn it with the other things? I couldn't.
That music box is personal.
But it connects you to Fey.
It could provide a motive.
Who knows about the affair? No one.
No one but my wife.
We have two days to conceive and execute an entirely new concept.
If any of you have any plans, I need you to cancel 'em.
I want everyone working together to pull this off.
What Daniel's trying to say is kiss your loved ones good-bye and expect to come home to dead pets.
Schmoopy.
Well, what are you waiting for? You kicked me with your two-year-old shoes! Have something to be nervous about, Carol? I ate half a bagel.
All three of us talked to Carlo Medina from "Isabella" last night.
What exactly did you tell him? Not that much.
So you can tell me, is Daniel Meade a complete incompetent or more like a slow-but-cute younger brother? Neither.
Daniel is a lot smarter than people think he is.
Really? I just find that so hard to believe.
Okay, well, like thursday, we have our feature shoot- a postapocalyptic Christmas.
It's really cool.
We rented tanks, and it was all Daniel's idea.
Tanks.
Ooh, Betty.
Too bad.
It looks like you're the leak.
Oh, well.
You didn't really fit in here anyway.
- Ta.
- Wait, no! All I mentioned were tanks.
You guys talked to him, too.
Yeah, what did you talk to Carlo about? Okay, first of all, he talked to me.
To assistants.
What are you doing here all alone? That's not like you.
I just don't understand it.
She's like Liza at the pride parade.
Betty, Betty, Betty! Oh, they just want to hear about the postapocalyptic Christmas spread.
Is she taking credit for that? Wilhelmina's the one who found the flak jackets.
There's this hot new designer, Anh Vu-Tran- gonna be huge! You featuring anyone else? Oh, when you've got the best, you can forget the rest.
Okay, so we have tanks and flak jackets.
I'm guessing the cosmo fountain might have spilled something, too.
I had one drink.
Unlike the two of you, I was actually trying to figure out what was going on at "Isabella.
" So what are you guys doing for your holiday issue? Oh, the usual-boring.
I'm much more interested in hearing about you and your magazine.
Well, since you ask, "Mode" is using one of my ideas.
Do you know "Planet of the apes"? I dressed as Dr.
Zaius one Halloween.
Mm.
Well, we're doing the statue of liberty scene, but with Santa buried half in the sand, holding up a new year's baby.
I only know the movie 'cause I dated a geek once.
Maybe you will again.
Buy you another drink? Yes.
Carlo's straight? So I guess this means all three of us need to go to Wilhelmina and confess.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Have you been smoking one of your ponchos? There's nothing to confess.
We don't know it was us.
How can you say that? We told three tiny parts of a giant shoot.
How'd "Isabella" find out about the burned out Christmas trees or the scrap metal reindeer? That must have been someone else.
We have to keep quiet and hope that the real leaker is found.
No.
I can't do that.
Look, I won't say anything about you guys, but I need to confess what I did.
There were only a few people from "Mode" at the Rack.
If you say the leak happened there, it'll draw a line straight to us.
Even if it does, they can't fire all of us.
Can't they? Photo department, 2003- got axed for mentioning the words "sepia tones" at a party.
Well, look, I just-I don't like lying.
Neither do I.
Okay, that's a lie, but we're just asking you to omit.
It's like a secret- our secret.
Look, you are one of us now, Betty- the assistants club.
We have to protect each other.
Well, I mean, I guess keeping quiet is better than getting you guys fired.
Then we're agreed? Yeah, okay.
We're all in this together.
Maybe she's different now, you know? Fancy job and drinking You cheated on her.
I know, I know.
God, why did I do that? Very, very sorry about that.
It's just-I I love her.
I can fix that.
Oh, wait a minute.
You like it in spanish.
Oh, you know, many years ago, I had a fight with, um, Betty's mother- a big one.
She banned me from our bed for a week.
Ouch.
I knew I had to do something good.
So I thought of her favorite movie, "Pretty woman," and I stole a page from Richard Gere.
What do you mean? Like you paid her? No.
I did the scene from the end of the movie, Walter, when he climbs up the fire escape and declares his love for her.
Wait a minute.
That-that's not supposed to happen.
Well it worked like a charm.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know if a big, romantic gesture will work on the new Betty.
There is no new Betty.
Just new surroundings.
Betty is the same.
I guess you're right.
- Did you do that? - Uh, no.
That's actually the phone.
Hello? This is Anne Frazier from mercer park regional H.
M.
O.
I'm just calling to confirm your 2:00 appointment.
Actually, uh that's a mistake.
Uh, I don't-I don't need to come in.
Are you sure? A Betty Suarez called at least 25 times.
No.
It won't be necessary.
Well, it sounded like you have some pretty legitimate claim.
No.
Thank you.
Sorry.
What are you gonna tell him? What are you gonna tell? You know, we might be better off not saying anything to Bradford.
Mm.
You sure that's a good idea? Dad's approved every holiday spread since 1986.
Well, as the top two people here, we need to protect each other.
And even though it wasn't our fault that there was a leak, we'll both be blamed if we admit it before we have a fix.
Okay.
This will be our secret.
We'll work with each other to fix it.
I'll start with the leak.
I'll tackle the new spread.
Perfect.
We're in this together.
Are you as creeped out as I am? More.
Oh, there you are.
Here I am.
I want you to call the agency.
Tell them the concept is changing.
I want you to get the wardrobe we rejected, and I want to see it again.
Dig up the back holiday issues of for the last 50 years, photocopy the feature spreads, distribute them to the editors.
Do you work here? Someday.
This is my nephew.
Um, he's just doing a school- - Amanda.
- Yes? We need you to get snacks and water.
Flat and sparkling, half cold, half room temp, and when you get back with those, we'll need to get lunches because no one is leaving this building.
But who's gonna answer the phones? Get an intern.
Please, let it be Narciso Rodriguez.
Daniel Meade's office.
Daniel Meade, please.
It's her.
I told her I'm not taking her calls till she tells me who she is.
I'm sorry, unless I can say who's calling, I'm gonna have to take a message.
Oh, well, then tell Daniel we both know his father's been acting very strangely.
He's a man of many secrets, and one of them is in the music box.
"In the music box"? I have no idea what that means.
It'll come to you, dear.
So tell me who you know at "Isabella.
" You don't have any reindeer? What about a big goat? Wait hold on.
I have another line.
Hello? Styles just came out.
They still have jobs.
- That's good.
- That's horrendous.
But features goes in at noon.
Pray.
Hello? Features went in at 12:00, came out at 12:20.
They're still employed.
Hello? Oh.
One second.
- Marc? - Photo editors cleared.
Accessories cleared.
Art department cleared.
Well, how many departments are left? Beauty and accounting.
Well, you know those virgins in accounting didn't do it.
We'll hope the sluts in beauty did.
Good luck.
I want to strangle that filthy rat - that leaked the spread.
- This dress is fabulous.
I bet it was that bitch, skinny Carol.
I think I'd belt it.
That, young man, is vintage Valentino.
- I'm just saying.
- Really? Do you think? Go on then.
Go on to the accessory closet.
Get a belt, and we'll see what it looks like.
Go on.
Wait.
Hurry back.
We gotta go get dinners.
Oh, leave him here.
He's having fun.
He's all right.
Really? Yeah.
Besides, I got some elf costumes I need to fit later on, and little people sort of make me nervous.
Well, thank you.
Okay.
No.
Betty.
Me? Could I have a moment, please? Um, did I do something wrong? Daniel's been receiving nuisance phone calls from a strange woman.
I assume you listen in? Yes, sir.
Um she wouldn't tell us who she is.
Well, we think she might be a designer we fired a couple of years ago.
She threatens to sue from time to time.
Has she called recently? Yes, yes, this morning actually.
Um it didn't make much sense.
Still, I'd like to know exactly what she said for certain legal reasons.
Uh, well, she said that, uh, you've been acting very strangely, and you have many secrets, and one of them is in the music box.
Music box? Did she say where this music box might be? No.
I-I asked her.
Um she wouldn't say anything.
She's not very forthcoming.
Well, she's certainly intent on wasting our time.
Excuse me! Wilhelmina's dinner.
Beauty cleared.
What are we supposed to do? That depends.
Did you hit the powerball last night? - No.
- Then keep quiet.
Hey! It's not yours.
Here's your dinner.
- You must be starving.
- Thanks.
You know what? You can take off.
I'm sure your nephew is sick of the closet by now anyway.
You worked hard today.
Okay.
You know what, Daniel? I have something to say.
The night before the leak, I was at the Rack, and I was talking to a guy from "Isabella"- You know what, Betty? I don't really have time to hear about this right now.
You told me not to hide things from you, Daniel.
Listen to me.
I don't have to know about everything.
Especially if knowing about it means I'd end up losing you.
So have a great night.
I got your favorite salad-endive and arugula.
No dressing, but I did get a few extra lemon slices because, well, you've earned them.
Is that frisée? No, no.
They were? You'll notice I ripped your lettuce into bite-sized pieces and decobbed your baby corn.
Interesting.
Thank you.
Was Carlo Medina from "Isabella" at the Rack last night? Hmm? There's also a product closet, like, with moisturizers and hair balms and there's ten different kinds of- Justin, why don't you put all of that stuff in your paper? Fine.
Is somebody gonna get that? I guess not.
Ew.
Wilhelmina wants to see us at 10:00 tomorrow.
She knows.
Oh, my god.
I have that same Jesus night-light.
So this is very flea market chic.
Ah, these must be your friends from, uh, "The Mode.
" Just "Mode," dad.
Um, this is my father Ignacio and my sister Hilda.
Ho-la.
It's, uh, "hola.
" No.
There's an "h" in it.
Betty? This lotion is made from crushed diamonds and Hey, guys.
I didn't know you were here.
Nice.
You stole the good stuff.
Justin.
Homework.
Oh, um Amanda, those are plastic.
Ew.
Betty, maybe we should offer your friends a snack.
We have flan.
What's a flan? It's a delicious custard.
Oh, bring it.
How about a "Lawrence of Arabia" Christmas? I don't even know what that means.
It means that we can use the 21 tons of sand that are already there.
Okay.
All right.
Off that, the sand is desert sand like Africa, so maybe instead of Christmas, we do other winter holidays.
Kwanzaa? Did you just gesture at me when you said Kwanzaa? No.
How about this? Fey's sleigh ride- the biggest-selling holiday issue in the history of "Mode.
" Yeah, I know it well.
Let me see that.
It's traditional.
I like it.
Old is the new new.
When Fey put herself in the photo, it sent shock waves.
No editor ever appeared in the center spread.
I think in the year of her death, an empty sleigh would be a nice tribute.
What do you think? Yeah.
Let's do it.
We're pinning it on Fat Carol.
What? Well, we have to say something when Wilhelmina calls us in.
Marc, that's not fair.
She didn't do anything.
You know she calls you "Fat Betty," right? See? This is why I hate secrets because they turn into lies, which are much worse.
Fat Carol hates her job.
Would she eat so many grilled cheeses if she cared? Betty, we're doing this for you.
We could get other jobs, but look how long it took you to land this one.
Well, I just didn't realize that keeping so many secrets was such a big part of my job description.
Betty do you have another pan of this stuff? You're disgusting.
Healthy appetite that girl has.
Don't tell her we have ice cream.
You know, Betty sometimes we have to keep secrets to survive.
Hold it! You know, it's too bad about your Wilhelmina meeting.
We'll miss you around here.
Shut up, Carol.
I don't know if there's rehab for whatever this is, but consider it before starting the job hunt.
And, Betty, I think I might miss you most of all.
It was nice having someone Fatter than me.
Fat Carol.
Fat Carol.
Fat Carol.
Good morning, Daniel.
Here's your coffee.
I didn't realize you were gonna come in so early.
Where'd you get that? Are you okay? Do you need me to get you something? When I was 12, I had the worst Christmas of my life.
My, uh father had just gotten back from Switzerland, brought my mom a music box.
Exactly like this.
She loved it.
A few days later, she hid the thing in the attic set fire to a thousand copies of "Mode" magazine.
No one would ever tell me why.
So is this your mother's? No.
This appeared here this morning.
Apparently my father bought two of them- one for his wife and, uh, one For his mistress.
That's why Fey put herself in the feature spread.
She was flaunting the affair in my mother's face.
I'm sorry, Daniel.
Was there anything inside? You know, the top lifts out.
This woman is trying to connect your father to Fey Sommers.
She's trying to do more than that, Betty.
She's trying to connect my dad to Fey's death.
I just got back from the studio.
There's still 21 tons of sand sitting there.
Maybe I should just go to the paramus mall and take pictures of kids with Santa.
No.
I know what we can do with that sand.
Follow me to the art department.
Come on.
Wait.
Daniel? You should probably know that I have a meeting with Wilhelmina in five minutes.
Really? You? Yeah, me and-and Amanda and Marc.
You sure you know what you're doing? Not a clue.
Just be careful what you say.
Justin, what are you doing here? I have to do some more research for my paper.
Sit down.
Thank you, Marc.
Daniel Meade's office.
Justin's school just called.
He's not there.
Is he with you? Yeah, he's-he's right here.
I'm gonna kill him.
I knew this would happen.
The fashion world is no place for a boy his age.
Well, he said he has to do more work for his paper.
Wake up, Betty.
There is no paper.
What? Yeah, he made the whe thing up so he could just ditch school and spend time in your world.
Well, I didn't know.
I don't even know how to deal with it.
I don't-I don't know what I'm gonna do with that boy.
You tell him that he is in big trouble when he gets home.
So you're ditching? It's not a big deal.
I'm missing P.
E.
and art.
We're sketching fruit.
That's not the point.
Justin, this place that you think is so glamorous it's not all it's cracked up to be.
It's people deceiving each other and hiding things and all kinds of stuff that's not good for a kid to be around.
Someday, maybe you'll end up working in a place like this, but you're not gonna get very far in life by lying.
That is not who we are.
Showtime.
Stay here and don't move.
Shall I ask questions, or do you want to just tell me what you know? Well, we were all at the Rack on tuesday night, and we just realized that we all saw the same thing- someone talking to Carlo Medina from "Isabella.
" Now as much as it hurts us to rat out a friend, we have to tell you.
It was Fat Carol.
I saw her, too.
Fat Carol leaked the spread.
Betty? Is that what you saw? No.
It was me.
I told Carlo everything.
You can go.
What?! Aren't you gonna fire her? If I fire her, Amanda, I'd have to fire all of you.
You're not the only one with informants.
I know exactly what happened.
The three of you might have leaked a portion of the spread, but that disgusting Fat Carol slept with Carlo and spilled everything.
- He slept with Fat Carol?! - He slept with Fat Carol?! He did what he had to do for his magazine.
So what happens now? Well, I'll consider the last day and a half your punishment.
You were drunk, you were horny and you were naive.
Fat Carol on the other hand, gave it up intentionally.
She gets the axe.
Now go before I change my mind.
Go! It's Christmas in october.
Oh, my god! It's just like "Top Model," except no one's crying.
Justin, go sit in that chair and don't talk to anybody unless they talk to you first.
So Wilhelmina told me what happened.
Daniel, I'm sorry for everything.
You know, it's okay to hide things sometimes, especially if not hiding them means I might lose you.
Here.
Shoo.
- Nice vest.
- Ralph Lauren.
We got it half-price because there's a small hole, but you can't even see it.
So kids at school- they like it? No.
They don't really get me.
Word of advice- be who you are, wear what you want, just learn how to run real fast.
All right, everyone.
Let's go, Marc! We need to shoot in five.
Step it up, people.
Hold it.
This isn't the concept I approved.
I've had final say on every holiday spread for the last 20 years.
Some things came up last minute that couldn't be avoided.
Our job is to fix the problem, Bradford, not to burden you with it.
You two are so full of crap.
Lucky for you, it looks quite good- maybe even better than Fey's.
- Okay, uh, let's- - Hold on.
You know, there's one thing missing.
Where did you find that? The attic.
I remembered mom had it.
Looks just like the one Fey had, don't you think? Yes.
Almost identical.
Good job, son.
Okay.
Can we get this thing going? My hair is gray, and I'm driving to the early bird special with my blinkers on.
What about the sand? Isn't that from the old shoot? Justin.
Say "snow.
" Snow.
Snow is a magical blanket.
It hides what's ugly and makes everything beautiful.
I'm sorry, but your father's not who he says he is.
I don't know what you're talking about.
According to our records, Ignacio Suarez is and dead.
Well, obviously that's a mistake.
Not on our end.
The social security number your father's been using belongs to somebody else.
Suspicions have been raised.
father and son are being driven further apart.
We couldn't have planned it any better.
Wilhelmina Slater.
Carlo Medina.
It is an honor to finally meet the legend in person.
I see I should add shameless suck-up to the list.
What list is that? I asked you here to tell you you are an underhanded bastard, a despicable, slimy weasel.
You have no moral compass, are utterly without scruples and will use anyone in your path to get what you want.
How can I entice you to work at "Mode"? Or rather spy for "Mode"? And I want you home by 4:00 every day.
And no TV for a week.
And no "Fashion TV" for a month.
Isn't any of this upsetting you? It was worth it.
Oh, "it was worth it.
" Thank you.
Hey, mija.
How was your day? It was a rough one.
Maybe a little cheese and jalapeño will help.
It's good.
I think I'm just gonna go to sleep.
Good night.
# Tale as old as time # # True as it can be # What the hell is that? # Barely even friends # # Then somebody bends # # Unexpectedly # # Just a little change # # Small to say the least # # Both a little scared # # Neither one prepared # # Beauty and the beast # Betty's favorite movie.
# Tale as old as time # # Tune as old as song # # Bittersweet and strange # # Finding you can change # # Learning you were wrong # # Beauty and the beast #