Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s02e13 Episode Script
Kimmy Finds Her Mom!
1 Oh, your mail is so boring.
Cyndee met a rabbit.
Donna Maria's mole sauce is in goop.
Leah Remini joined Gretchen's church.
Who cares? Wait, you're leaving already? - Yeah.
- Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
Lillian, the Carnivore Cruise Lines flagship ship Ocean Skank leaves in two days, and this girl's got a mom to find.
We'll be back before you know it.
Yeah? W-what if Titus gets discovered and moves to LA and gets big fake breasts? I don't want to see him like that.
And you're gonna find your real mom, and then you won't need your fake mom anymore.
I'll be all alone, just like after Roland left.
Was shot in the face by you.
Look, if you get lonely, just watch some of my old audition tapes.
Maybe you can appreciate them in a way that Dick Wolf's snooty doorman could not.
Go if you're gonna go.
I'm used to being ignored.
Mm-hmm, remember when you chained yourself to that bulldozer for a week and no one noticed or cared? I'll bring you back a real Florida souvenir, like a python or a gun! Don't worry about me.
I'll just be here smelling your clothes, wondering if you're ever coming back, my voice getting quieter and quieter until I can't be heard at all.
And what difference will that make? Quit being a bummer, Lillian! What if I get seasick? Why do boats float and Tituses sink? What if a sea witch says I can meet Prince Eric if I give her my voice? I do it, right? Are you even listening to what I'm saying to you? Sorry.
I've got a lot on my mind.
I rented a car for the first time.
I declined gator insurance, which has proven to be a mistake.
- Not again! - That's 11.
And tomorrow I'm gonna ambush my mom at the Rip Ride Rockit, and then all that drama you always told me to save for my mama? Well, I did.
Sweetheart, maybe I should go with you so that I can film it.
No.
You have to get to Miami.
And I've got to do this alone.
When I visualize this meeting, like Andrea told me to - Drivinghighway! - Oh! Lori-Ann Schmidt is not a lady who says, "I'm sorry.
" Even when you're supposed to, like in a board game scenario.
But I'm gonna tell her everything I've been thinking about for the last 15 years.
And she will apologize.
Girl, let me see you do one of these.
Unh-unh.
Uh-uh.
Take it back.
Undo it.
No, sirree Bob.
Bar mitzvah.
I'd like to sell these.
Tomorrow I need an apartment full of expensive furniture for a catered Thanksgiving.
My boyfriend's family is coming from Washington.
I mean, not boyfriend, I guess.
I mean, fingers crossed, but he doesn't want to russ it "Russ"? What am I talking about? - His name is Russ.
- I get it.
My wife's name is Shira, which sounds like She-Ra, He-Man's sister.
So that's fun.
These are good quality.
You were hot piece rich man? I was.
Thank you.
But now I'm falling in love for the first time.
I finally understand what all those love songs are talking about, like Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls.
" No, sorry.
Not this one.
I just don't know if Russ feels the same way about me.
If I could win over his family Family is key, but take everything I say with grain of salt because I was, how you say, shot in brain by robber.
Wow, Beverly Hills.
I feel like a prostitute getting a necklace.
Oh! Hey, little guy.
Get in there, Jayden.
Say hi to - Smile with - Irish Dora.
Whoville Lady or whatever.
Oh, I'm not a character here.
Give her a kiss, Jayden.
Thanks, but I'm Kimmy.
You hear that? It's Kimmy.
Now take a picture with it and let's get back to the Camry 'cause I'm done.
Come on.
I'm just a person.
Okay, look for the telltale signs of coasterheads: no kids, strap-on sunglasses, airbrushed clothes, water pistols full of margaritas.
Got to stay hydrated.
- Go ahead.
- Do it.
Mommy.
Lori-Ann Schmidt! I've got some stuff to say to you.
Baby! My baby! Ha-ha.
Ah.
Oh, God, you're alive! I love you so much.
Kimmy, I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God, you're alive! This is my baby! My baby is alive! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it You look real pretty.
Thanks, Mom.
You too.
But I, uh, was kind of hoping I could talk to you alone.
Oh, Joe and them are like family to me.
And it's Thanksgiving.
Yeah, but I actually am family.
That scar on his neck goes all the way around.
Got decapitated in '96 when I stood up on the Grim Reaper.
The whole middle part of his neck is pig neck.
Look, Mom.
I have some stuff I need to say to you Oh, baby, I tried everything to find you: made T-shirts, walked through the woods in a arm chain.
I know Heck, I spent so much time at that police station, I ended up marrying the guy who was in charge of your investigation.
Figured if anyone could find you, he could.
He was smart and cool, like Jimmy Smits.
- I've met Randy.
- Never mind, then.
- Mom, I - But I never gave up hope.
You know what? Look.
I still have the Christmas present I was gonna give you that year you got Anyway, I carry it with me everywhere.
"Mom's Super Fun Christmas Coupon Book.
" Yeah.
"Foot Rub," "Pancakes For Dinner," "Try One Cigarette.
" Oh, it was '98, before people knew cigarettes were bad.
Now I only smoke cinnamon Parliaments.
This one says you'll take me to see Patch Adams.
Yeah, and I will now.
I always knew I'd find you.
But you left Durnsville.
I know, right? It was so frustrating.
I couldn't stay.
Everywhere I went, people were looking at me like I was a bummer, you know, with their eyes all watery, "I'm so sorry for your tragedy," when I just was trying to get one minute of peace on a mechanical bull.
Six or seven years of that, and I just I had to haul ass, honey.
I just couldn't stand people looking at me like that.
Ugh.
I hate that look.
I don't want pity.
It's like, I'm more than this one terrible thing that happened to me.
Exactly.
I'm all the terrible things that have happened to me.
And I'm not a bummer.
I'm fun.
- You are fun.
- I know.
I'm like a box of puppies that got found by chimps on Christmas.
All fun.
Period.
I mean, I'm about to break the female record for most rides on a German-designed steel X-coaster.
Back in Indiana, they just wanted me to be sad all the time.
I never thought about how hard it must have been for you too.
Lori-Ann, heads up, we got the Rockit again in seven minutes.
I'll do it later.
I'm gonna get Kimmy and I new express passes so me and her can ride that thing together.
But, Lori-Ann, you'll have to wait for hours.
Yeah, you don't have to do that.
Lori-Ann, you are crazy.
No.
What? No.
Want to kill some time with me? Get our fun on? Can our fun include "Cartwheel Race"? It can't not.
Hurry up! Hurry! - You coming or not? - I don't know.
Is this cruise the right thing to do? - Sir, this is a bus.
- It's four months.
I've never been on a boat before.
And what if my choreography requires standing? I know I don't often pray, but if you're listening, Black Jesus from the Madonna "Like a Prayer" video, give me a sign.
"Titusville"? Okay, Black Jesus, that's a little on the nose, but I trust you.
Now to the video the entire city has been buzzing about.
It is cell phone footage of an uptown Manhattanite going on the ride of her life.
Evidently this woman fell asleep while protesting a new development in East Dogmouth, and she continued to snooze as construction resumed.
'Cause I'd had a lot of turkey.
Despite the attention over the protest, developers say they are still on schedule and the video may have actually raised awareness about the neighborhood among Internet-havers.
What? No.
Someone did notice me, and it made everything worse.
Thank you! No one in New York ever wants to high-five.
That's dumb.
What do they do when Truckasaurus eats a car? Who is this guy? Do kids like Cheese Businessman? My name is Inga.
I came all da vay from Sweden to dis vacation.
And I came from Jamaica, now.
My name is a-Terence a-Trent a-D'arby.
So, you ready to face your fears and eat this worm? You want me to eat a worm? Oh, no.
I've never had to eat anything gross before.
- Psych! - Eat the worm, honey.
The prize is sweatbands! My wife, Kirsten, loves this design stuff.
For her birthday, I bought her a master's of interior design from DePaul.
- She knows all the colors now.
- Mm.
Can you believe she's had four kids? Honey, show Jacqueline the back.
There you go.
Want to bounce a quarter off that? A quarter? What's a quarter? Right answer.
I like you.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I-I had a pumpkin pie, but I sat on it on the subway, and the only store I could find open was a Talbots, so Hey, Duke Oh! What are you doing, Russ? Why are you staring at the walls? Say hi to Jacqueline.
Ha-ha, that's funny.
Hi, Jacqueline.
Duke, has Jacqueline met Russ' last girlfriend? Pleased to meet you.
I'm Handgela.
How do you do? This one's a keeper, Russ.
Go easy on him, boys.
He can't help it.
His name is Russ.
You named me that.
Oh, Russ had to be named by his daddy.
Jacqueline, you are a pretty girl.
Him and you have a kid, your genes might water all that down.
Oh, Mr.
Snyder Oh, please, call me Orson.
Well, Orson, I would love to water that down, if he'll have me.
He should be so lucky.
I once caught him kissing a bird.
Yeah.
He said it was CPR.
Then why the tongue? Huh? Welcome to Titusville, home of the Kennedy Space Center.
In 1962, John F.
Kennedy was inspired to go to the moon while feeling up a particularly buxom coat-check girl.
Uh-huh, anyway, I was sent here by fate.
See, my name is Titus.
Oh, how cute.
Obviously, I had to come and see my town.
What is there to do here? Titus-friendly attractions, I assume? Interactive couch museum, a "shirts required" swimming pool? - Food? - Sure, we have restaurants.
But Titusville is best known as being home of the U.
S.
space program.
Okay, I like space.
Ever since I was a child, I was always fascinated by Major Tony Nelson's failed space flight: his capsule crash-landing on a desert island, knocking over a genie bottle, releasing Barbara Eden.
Thank you, NASA.
She was his slave.
Oh, well.
Uh, would you like to enter our raffle? Win dinner with a real astronaut? Of course astronauts live in Titusville.
I bet this town is full of heroes.
Well, our founder, Colonel Henry Titus, would have been a Civil War hero if the right side had won.
I'll allow it.
Good luck.
Hey, uh Uh, oh! My neighborhood is ruined.
And it's my fault.
I did it.
Just like O.
J.
Simpson against the Dolphins in '69.
Twelve yards on ten carries? Well, unforgivable.
Titus, I did it.
I found her.
I'm so happy for you, Baked Kimberlay's.
Did you tell her everything you wanted to say? Did you throw white wine on her? I didn't have to.
She apologized right away.
- She even cried.
- Wait.
What do you mean "right away"? She didn't let you say anything? Um, I said, "Lori-Ann Schmidt!" Mm-hmm.
And when you went to confront her, did she keep a random friend there as a buffer? You mean Joe? I don't even think he was listening.
His head was, like, all the way the other way.
Oh, Lori-Ann's good.
I did not realize she was a Get-A-Header.
- What does that even mean? - Ugh.
"Get-A-Heading" trademark my ex-friend Timothy It's when you take control of a situation by saying negative things before anyone else can, like when Madonna said "Dangerous Game" was terrible before the critics could or how I'm telling you right now I didn't go to Miami.
I'm in a town called Titusville, and I love it here.
Wait, what? You don't "wait, what" me.
I "wait, what" you.
If you haven't told your mother how you feel but you think you two are all good, you are lying to yourself.
Oh, I'm lying to myself? You're supposed to be in Miami.
Jeez, Titus, I thought we were past this, but you're just hiding from the real world again.
Or maybe I found where I belong.
There's a space museum here.
Since when do you care about space? Weightlessness, non-melting ice cream, buff scientists.
I think the burden's on you to prove that I haven't cared about space this entire time.
I know you're afraid Mikey won't be there when you get back.
You're afraid of failure.
Also success, birds, escalators We Titusvillians are afraid of nothing, not the moon, not the Union Army, not this sinkhole that keeps Whatever.
All I know is, I got what I came here for.
She apologized.
Titus? Hello? Lori-Ann Schmidt is playing you 'cause she doesn't want to deal.
You just watch.
If she even gets a whiff of anything serious, she'll just change the subject faster than a theoretical speed-of-light spacecraft on which I would age more slowly.
See? I love space! Oh, the game's almost on! Hey, Jacqueline, you're not one of those girls who don't like football, are you? Are you kidding? I hate those women.
I love football.
We Snyders love our football.
We all had to play it in high school.
- Don't! I'm not open yet! - Ha-ha! We're minutes away from kickoff here in Dallas as the Cowboys prepare to take on the, uh team that is from Washington.
And what a game we have for you today.
So you guys are Redskins fans? Well, I don't want to brag, but, uh, we kind of own the team.
How is that not the first thing you say to women? Huh? What do you lead with, your foot nipple? - No.
- Hmm.
Honey, we've owned the Redskins since 1938.
You see, while the team was driving to Philadelphia for a game, they got lost on my grandfather's land, and in exchange for the trademark, he let them live.
But don't you think the name is a little, uh, old-fashioned? Exactly.
It's been around forever.
And I happen to respect tradition.
It's why I get operated on by my barber.
And the name is honoring those Native guys.
It's saying they're tough.
Plus, how do you know that "Redskins" isn't about potatoes? Bingo.
It's just some people find it offensive Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jacqueline, look, some of my best statues are of Indians.
And the Redskins' very first coach was Lone Star Dietz, a man who pretended to be Indian so that he could get out of World War I.
That's right.
Heil to the Redskins Scalp the other team Celebrate with fire water Help Germany win the war Man, a ball pit is definitely my favorite kind of pit.
Sweetie, get your shoes on.
I just realized this watch we found in Fievel's Playland was set to mountain.
Rip Ride Rockit's in ten minutes.
See you, guys! You're the best.
You're too big.
Kimmy, we got to go.
Mom, I'm hurrying.
If we miss this, I don't get another chance to break my record.
I just got to get my shoes on.
Oh, my gah.
Why can't you do that any faster? Because you never taught me how to tie my shoes.
Then the bunny's ear goes around the other ear and into Why would he put his ear inside himself? We've been working on this for a year! Who raised you? - Huh? - Oh! Bunny wraps one ear around the other ear, pokes it into his skull, 'cause he has his reasons.
Why can't you just wear them Velcro shoes like I used to get you? Because Velcro freaks me out now.
I don't know why.
Maybe it's something the Reverend would Ah, what? Come on, let's not You know what? I'm going.
We've got time! Titus was right.
Ow! Ugh.
Ugh.
Mom! I tried everything I could think of to keep this neighborhood weird and dangerous.
Now the only thing left to do is to sell to some yuppie creeps, take the money, and leave a good-looking corpse in Waikiki.
Then I travel the world.
What white creep in a suit is this gonna be? Ms.
Kaushtupper? I saw you on New York One.
- It was inspiring.
- "Inspiring"? What are you, an ironic hipster? My name is Winfred O'Prah.
I work for ISUS.
- ISIS? - ISUS.
The Interborough Society for Urban Settlement.
We're devoted to curtailing new development in New York's historic neighborhoods.
Also, we had the name first.
Ms.
Kaushtupper, have you ever thought about running for office? I hadn't thought of that.
"Mayor Kaushtupper Still At Large, colon, Authorities Baffled.
" Let's talk, you white prick.
I can't believe I won that raffle.
You know how I'm like an astronaut? I'm out of this world, and I once had to poop in a vacuum.
I love Titusville.
Ooh, you know what we should do? We should use "Titus" the way Smurfs use "smurf.
" May I have a glass of Titus with some Titus? But no Titus on it.
I'm deathly allergi-Titus.
"That's one small soup for man, one giant sandwich for mankind.
" Hi, Titus, I'm your astronaut, Captain Mooney.
No pun intended.
None gotten.
- You're an astronaut? - Mm-hmm.
Prove it.
Tell me a story about space.
Oh, I've been to space many times.
From a distance, the Earth looks blue and green.
And the snowcapped mountains? White.
From a distance, the ocean meets the stream, and the eagle takes to flight.
Space Judas! Those are the lyrics to Bette Midler's "From A Distance.
" - You're no astronaut.
- No, I am.
Really.
It's just they shut down the manned space program before I got to do anything.
And I found out about it in the worst way possible: from a very smug chimp.
Ground Control to Major Confusion.
I know that we stopped going to the moon because it kept changing shapes, making landing impossible, but Forget the moon.
No one's gone to space at all since 2011.
So space is like American Apparel? Titusville used to be a place where we reached for the stars.
Now we reach for the free bread.
I guess NASA decided it was too risky to keep trying.
They got scared.
Now Titusville is just a place where dreams go to die.
Oh, God.
If I stay here, am I no better than a U.
S.
astronaut? I know.
I'm pathetic.
You spend your whole life training to do something, and then it's not worth the risk? What a waste.
Well, it's not too late for me.
I can still get on my rocket ship to the stars.
Or in my case, a bus to a van to a boat.
Failure is not an option.
I'm not gonna end up like NASA: scared, afraid, standing for "Never Accomplishing Space Anymore.
" I'm gonna go to Miami.
And I'm gonna go to that place I saw on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.
And then I'm getting on that boat.
Hey, they're about to start serving dinner.
I can't see you anymore.
Is this 'cause of that obvious lie about the pumpkin pie? I soiled myself on the subway and I sat on the pie to cover it up, okay? No.
I'm sorry, Russ.
I really liked you, but the Redskins? How is that still a thing? These are my parents.
My family is Lakota Sioux.
On the rez, they call me No one invited you, Yellow Head.
I spent every penny I had trying to help them, but nobody cared.
And the fact that you don't care either, it's just too much.
The truth is, I'm not rich like I said I was.
I don't own this apartment.
And I can't tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.
I just always keep one in my cheek in case it comes up.
But I would rather live on the street than be with a man who sings that song.
I'm sorry, Russ.
It's over.
That is the hottest thing I have ever heard.
You care.
Nobody cares about anything.
No, Russ.
Your family owns the Redskins.
You think I like these people? They're horrible.
They told me I was adopted.
When I was 18, I found out they were my real parents all along.
But why? Why? And that name? For years, I've been trying to get them to change it to something cool like the Prancers or the Muscle Men or Mystique.
But every time I bring it up, they force me to hit myself with my own girlfriend hand.
Hand.
But maybe together We can take down the Washington Redskins.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oink.
Lori-Ann Schmidt, I got some stuff to say to you! Why didn't you find me? You were supposed to look for me until you found me.
Not just for a while.
Until.
I bet you were glad I was gone, 'cause you never wanted me in the first place.
Ahh! How is this fun? Ahh! You were a bad mom.
You were never there for me.
I packed you lunch every day, and you never ate the fruit! - Ahh! - Whoo-hoo! You were selfish, and you just wanted to party like it was 1999, and it was only 1998! I am so mad at you, and I'm entitled to that emotion.
We're going again.
I got some stuff to say.
First of all, of course I didn't want you.
I was 17 years old.
But I kept you, didn't I? I loved you from the moment you were born, didn't I? So get off my jock! One time, you had croup, and I sat in the shower all night with you even though the demolition derby was in town, and I gave my ticket to a girl who got to be on the news for getting hit by a tire.
That could have been me! - I don't actually like this! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! - Ahh! - Oh! - Whoo! Whoo! You think this is my fault somehow? You sound like them reporters and police station ladies treating me like you got kidnapped 'cause I wore a tube skirt.
- Ahh! - Whoo-hoo! Well, what the fudge does that have to do with the price of meat in Muncie? A crazy man snatched you and locked you up.
Oh! Men keep doing that, every dang day, every dang way.
When are we gonna talk about that, world? I don't hurt kids! And women don't rape things! Hey, not all men.
I know, Shane.
You've always been a real gentleman.
According to recent CDC numbers, 40% of all sexual assaults are committed by women.
That seems high.
Keep the bars down 'cause We're going again! You are so full of baloney! I bet you knew I'd been rescued.
Of course I did! I just didn't want to have this conversation.
I wish you were Geena Davis! Me too, dude! - Ahh! - Whoo-hoo! Whoo! - Ahh! - Whoo! Whoo! Whew.
That coast was epic.
Man, we both got some stuff off our chests.
I broke my record.
Ah.
Yeah! Look, we're cool, right? Maybe I wasn't the best mom, like those penguins who hold their eggs in their mouths or whatever, but I did the best I could, sweetie.
I really did.
I know that should make me feel better.
Ooh! Ugh! Dang shoe.
Come on, Mom.
I'm too big for Velcro shoes.
Can't teach me how to tie laces, but you can teach me how to open a beer with a lighter.
Excuse me, miss.
Can you tell me how to get to the nursing college? You did your best? You couldn't even be bothered to teach me to tie my shoes, and my mittens got caught, and the Howson twins kept walking, and I was alone! I got kidnapped because of you! Is that your best? Unh-unh-unh! Right.
Kimmy, what are you doing? I thought I knew why I came down here.
Rays and rails, baby.
But there's nothing I can say that will un-kidnap me or fix my childhood or give you the life you wanted before you had me.
I could have been Whitesnake's Yoko Ono.
And I just have to accept that.
I just have to accept that.
So like I said, we're cool, right? Yeah.
We're cool.
All right.
Yeah.
Now we're back in touch, who knows? Maybe I come up and stay with you sometime.
Sure.
Hey, we just did Thanksgiving.
Put me down for Christmas.
Wouldn't that be fun? You know, they got some great old wooden coasters up north.
We could do the Cyclone.
I've done it.
Why do you like roller coasters so much anyway? Sometimes you just want to scream your head off.
A coaster's the only place no one looks at you weird.
You all right? Thanks, Mom.
Well, I know what I'm thankful for: loving someone other than myself and revenge.
Happy Thanksgiving, detectives.
I love you.
Titus Andromedon, 6'4", no agent.
And of course, I'm thankful Bobby is back.
Who's Bobby? I'm his sister, Robertina Durst.
And I'm mute.
- Hello? - Kimmy, it's Dick.
What the fudge do you want? I have the most wonderful news.
I met someone, and I'm getting married.
So you and me are gonna have to get a divorce.
Kimmy? Hello? - Good night, everybody! - Good night!
Cyndee met a rabbit.
Donna Maria's mole sauce is in goop.
Leah Remini joined Gretchen's church.
Who cares? Wait, you're leaving already? - Yeah.
- Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
Lillian, the Carnivore Cruise Lines flagship ship Ocean Skank leaves in two days, and this girl's got a mom to find.
We'll be back before you know it.
Yeah? W-what if Titus gets discovered and moves to LA and gets big fake breasts? I don't want to see him like that.
And you're gonna find your real mom, and then you won't need your fake mom anymore.
I'll be all alone, just like after Roland left.
Was shot in the face by you.
Look, if you get lonely, just watch some of my old audition tapes.
Maybe you can appreciate them in a way that Dick Wolf's snooty doorman could not.
Go if you're gonna go.
I'm used to being ignored.
Mm-hmm, remember when you chained yourself to that bulldozer for a week and no one noticed or cared? I'll bring you back a real Florida souvenir, like a python or a gun! Don't worry about me.
I'll just be here smelling your clothes, wondering if you're ever coming back, my voice getting quieter and quieter until I can't be heard at all.
And what difference will that make? Quit being a bummer, Lillian! What if I get seasick? Why do boats float and Tituses sink? What if a sea witch says I can meet Prince Eric if I give her my voice? I do it, right? Are you even listening to what I'm saying to you? Sorry.
I've got a lot on my mind.
I rented a car for the first time.
I declined gator insurance, which has proven to be a mistake.
- Not again! - That's 11.
And tomorrow I'm gonna ambush my mom at the Rip Ride Rockit, and then all that drama you always told me to save for my mama? Well, I did.
Sweetheart, maybe I should go with you so that I can film it.
No.
You have to get to Miami.
And I've got to do this alone.
When I visualize this meeting, like Andrea told me to - Drivinghighway! - Oh! Lori-Ann Schmidt is not a lady who says, "I'm sorry.
" Even when you're supposed to, like in a board game scenario.
But I'm gonna tell her everything I've been thinking about for the last 15 years.
And she will apologize.
Girl, let me see you do one of these.
Unh-unh.
Uh-uh.
Take it back.
Undo it.
No, sirree Bob.
Bar mitzvah.
I'd like to sell these.
Tomorrow I need an apartment full of expensive furniture for a catered Thanksgiving.
My boyfriend's family is coming from Washington.
I mean, not boyfriend, I guess.
I mean, fingers crossed, but he doesn't want to russ it "Russ"? What am I talking about? - His name is Russ.
- I get it.
My wife's name is Shira, which sounds like She-Ra, He-Man's sister.
So that's fun.
These are good quality.
You were hot piece rich man? I was.
Thank you.
But now I'm falling in love for the first time.
I finally understand what all those love songs are talking about, like Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls.
" No, sorry.
Not this one.
I just don't know if Russ feels the same way about me.
If I could win over his family Family is key, but take everything I say with grain of salt because I was, how you say, shot in brain by robber.
Wow, Beverly Hills.
I feel like a prostitute getting a necklace.
Oh! Hey, little guy.
Get in there, Jayden.
Say hi to - Smile with - Irish Dora.
Whoville Lady or whatever.
Oh, I'm not a character here.
Give her a kiss, Jayden.
Thanks, but I'm Kimmy.
You hear that? It's Kimmy.
Now take a picture with it and let's get back to the Camry 'cause I'm done.
Come on.
I'm just a person.
Okay, look for the telltale signs of coasterheads: no kids, strap-on sunglasses, airbrushed clothes, water pistols full of margaritas.
Got to stay hydrated.
- Go ahead.
- Do it.
Mommy.
Lori-Ann Schmidt! I've got some stuff to say to you.
Baby! My baby! Ha-ha.
Ah.
Oh, God, you're alive! I love you so much.
Kimmy, I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God, you're alive! This is my baby! My baby is alive! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann! Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it You look real pretty.
Thanks, Mom.
You too.
But I, uh, was kind of hoping I could talk to you alone.
Oh, Joe and them are like family to me.
And it's Thanksgiving.
Yeah, but I actually am family.
That scar on his neck goes all the way around.
Got decapitated in '96 when I stood up on the Grim Reaper.
The whole middle part of his neck is pig neck.
Look, Mom.
I have some stuff I need to say to you Oh, baby, I tried everything to find you: made T-shirts, walked through the woods in a arm chain.
I know Heck, I spent so much time at that police station, I ended up marrying the guy who was in charge of your investigation.
Figured if anyone could find you, he could.
He was smart and cool, like Jimmy Smits.
- I've met Randy.
- Never mind, then.
- Mom, I - But I never gave up hope.
You know what? Look.
I still have the Christmas present I was gonna give you that year you got Anyway, I carry it with me everywhere.
"Mom's Super Fun Christmas Coupon Book.
" Yeah.
"Foot Rub," "Pancakes For Dinner," "Try One Cigarette.
" Oh, it was '98, before people knew cigarettes were bad.
Now I only smoke cinnamon Parliaments.
This one says you'll take me to see Patch Adams.
Yeah, and I will now.
I always knew I'd find you.
But you left Durnsville.
I know, right? It was so frustrating.
I couldn't stay.
Everywhere I went, people were looking at me like I was a bummer, you know, with their eyes all watery, "I'm so sorry for your tragedy," when I just was trying to get one minute of peace on a mechanical bull.
Six or seven years of that, and I just I had to haul ass, honey.
I just couldn't stand people looking at me like that.
Ugh.
I hate that look.
I don't want pity.
It's like, I'm more than this one terrible thing that happened to me.
Exactly.
I'm all the terrible things that have happened to me.
And I'm not a bummer.
I'm fun.
- You are fun.
- I know.
I'm like a box of puppies that got found by chimps on Christmas.
All fun.
Period.
I mean, I'm about to break the female record for most rides on a German-designed steel X-coaster.
Back in Indiana, they just wanted me to be sad all the time.
I never thought about how hard it must have been for you too.
Lori-Ann, heads up, we got the Rockit again in seven minutes.
I'll do it later.
I'm gonna get Kimmy and I new express passes so me and her can ride that thing together.
But, Lori-Ann, you'll have to wait for hours.
Yeah, you don't have to do that.
Lori-Ann, you are crazy.
No.
What? No.
Want to kill some time with me? Get our fun on? Can our fun include "Cartwheel Race"? It can't not.
Hurry up! Hurry! - You coming or not? - I don't know.
Is this cruise the right thing to do? - Sir, this is a bus.
- It's four months.
I've never been on a boat before.
And what if my choreography requires standing? I know I don't often pray, but if you're listening, Black Jesus from the Madonna "Like a Prayer" video, give me a sign.
"Titusville"? Okay, Black Jesus, that's a little on the nose, but I trust you.
Now to the video the entire city has been buzzing about.
It is cell phone footage of an uptown Manhattanite going on the ride of her life.
Evidently this woman fell asleep while protesting a new development in East Dogmouth, and she continued to snooze as construction resumed.
'Cause I'd had a lot of turkey.
Despite the attention over the protest, developers say they are still on schedule and the video may have actually raised awareness about the neighborhood among Internet-havers.
What? No.
Someone did notice me, and it made everything worse.
Thank you! No one in New York ever wants to high-five.
That's dumb.
What do they do when Truckasaurus eats a car? Who is this guy? Do kids like Cheese Businessman? My name is Inga.
I came all da vay from Sweden to dis vacation.
And I came from Jamaica, now.
My name is a-Terence a-Trent a-D'arby.
So, you ready to face your fears and eat this worm? You want me to eat a worm? Oh, no.
I've never had to eat anything gross before.
- Psych! - Eat the worm, honey.
The prize is sweatbands! My wife, Kirsten, loves this design stuff.
For her birthday, I bought her a master's of interior design from DePaul.
- She knows all the colors now.
- Mm.
Can you believe she's had four kids? Honey, show Jacqueline the back.
There you go.
Want to bounce a quarter off that? A quarter? What's a quarter? Right answer.
I like you.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I-I had a pumpkin pie, but I sat on it on the subway, and the only store I could find open was a Talbots, so Hey, Duke Oh! What are you doing, Russ? Why are you staring at the walls? Say hi to Jacqueline.
Ha-ha, that's funny.
Hi, Jacqueline.
Duke, has Jacqueline met Russ' last girlfriend? Pleased to meet you.
I'm Handgela.
How do you do? This one's a keeper, Russ.
Go easy on him, boys.
He can't help it.
His name is Russ.
You named me that.
Oh, Russ had to be named by his daddy.
Jacqueline, you are a pretty girl.
Him and you have a kid, your genes might water all that down.
Oh, Mr.
Snyder Oh, please, call me Orson.
Well, Orson, I would love to water that down, if he'll have me.
He should be so lucky.
I once caught him kissing a bird.
Yeah.
He said it was CPR.
Then why the tongue? Huh? Welcome to Titusville, home of the Kennedy Space Center.
In 1962, John F.
Kennedy was inspired to go to the moon while feeling up a particularly buxom coat-check girl.
Uh-huh, anyway, I was sent here by fate.
See, my name is Titus.
Oh, how cute.
Obviously, I had to come and see my town.
What is there to do here? Titus-friendly attractions, I assume? Interactive couch museum, a "shirts required" swimming pool? - Food? - Sure, we have restaurants.
But Titusville is best known as being home of the U.
S.
space program.
Okay, I like space.
Ever since I was a child, I was always fascinated by Major Tony Nelson's failed space flight: his capsule crash-landing on a desert island, knocking over a genie bottle, releasing Barbara Eden.
Thank you, NASA.
She was his slave.
Oh, well.
Uh, would you like to enter our raffle? Win dinner with a real astronaut? Of course astronauts live in Titusville.
I bet this town is full of heroes.
Well, our founder, Colonel Henry Titus, would have been a Civil War hero if the right side had won.
I'll allow it.
Good luck.
Hey, uh Uh, oh! My neighborhood is ruined.
And it's my fault.
I did it.
Just like O.
J.
Simpson against the Dolphins in '69.
Twelve yards on ten carries? Well, unforgivable.
Titus, I did it.
I found her.
I'm so happy for you, Baked Kimberlay's.
Did you tell her everything you wanted to say? Did you throw white wine on her? I didn't have to.
She apologized right away.
- She even cried.
- Wait.
What do you mean "right away"? She didn't let you say anything? Um, I said, "Lori-Ann Schmidt!" Mm-hmm.
And when you went to confront her, did she keep a random friend there as a buffer? You mean Joe? I don't even think he was listening.
His head was, like, all the way the other way.
Oh, Lori-Ann's good.
I did not realize she was a Get-A-Header.
- What does that even mean? - Ugh.
"Get-A-Heading" trademark my ex-friend Timothy It's when you take control of a situation by saying negative things before anyone else can, like when Madonna said "Dangerous Game" was terrible before the critics could or how I'm telling you right now I didn't go to Miami.
I'm in a town called Titusville, and I love it here.
Wait, what? You don't "wait, what" me.
I "wait, what" you.
If you haven't told your mother how you feel but you think you two are all good, you are lying to yourself.
Oh, I'm lying to myself? You're supposed to be in Miami.
Jeez, Titus, I thought we were past this, but you're just hiding from the real world again.
Or maybe I found where I belong.
There's a space museum here.
Since when do you care about space? Weightlessness, non-melting ice cream, buff scientists.
I think the burden's on you to prove that I haven't cared about space this entire time.
I know you're afraid Mikey won't be there when you get back.
You're afraid of failure.
Also success, birds, escalators We Titusvillians are afraid of nothing, not the moon, not the Union Army, not this sinkhole that keeps Whatever.
All I know is, I got what I came here for.
She apologized.
Titus? Hello? Lori-Ann Schmidt is playing you 'cause she doesn't want to deal.
You just watch.
If she even gets a whiff of anything serious, she'll just change the subject faster than a theoretical speed-of-light spacecraft on which I would age more slowly.
See? I love space! Oh, the game's almost on! Hey, Jacqueline, you're not one of those girls who don't like football, are you? Are you kidding? I hate those women.
I love football.
We Snyders love our football.
We all had to play it in high school.
- Don't! I'm not open yet! - Ha-ha! We're minutes away from kickoff here in Dallas as the Cowboys prepare to take on the, uh team that is from Washington.
And what a game we have for you today.
So you guys are Redskins fans? Well, I don't want to brag, but, uh, we kind of own the team.
How is that not the first thing you say to women? Huh? What do you lead with, your foot nipple? - No.
- Hmm.
Honey, we've owned the Redskins since 1938.
You see, while the team was driving to Philadelphia for a game, they got lost on my grandfather's land, and in exchange for the trademark, he let them live.
But don't you think the name is a little, uh, old-fashioned? Exactly.
It's been around forever.
And I happen to respect tradition.
It's why I get operated on by my barber.
And the name is honoring those Native guys.
It's saying they're tough.
Plus, how do you know that "Redskins" isn't about potatoes? Bingo.
It's just some people find it offensive Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jacqueline, look, some of my best statues are of Indians.
And the Redskins' very first coach was Lone Star Dietz, a man who pretended to be Indian so that he could get out of World War I.
That's right.
Heil to the Redskins Scalp the other team Celebrate with fire water Help Germany win the war Man, a ball pit is definitely my favorite kind of pit.
Sweetie, get your shoes on.
I just realized this watch we found in Fievel's Playland was set to mountain.
Rip Ride Rockit's in ten minutes.
See you, guys! You're the best.
You're too big.
Kimmy, we got to go.
Mom, I'm hurrying.
If we miss this, I don't get another chance to break my record.
I just got to get my shoes on.
Oh, my gah.
Why can't you do that any faster? Because you never taught me how to tie my shoes.
Then the bunny's ear goes around the other ear and into Why would he put his ear inside himself? We've been working on this for a year! Who raised you? - Huh? - Oh! Bunny wraps one ear around the other ear, pokes it into his skull, 'cause he has his reasons.
Why can't you just wear them Velcro shoes like I used to get you? Because Velcro freaks me out now.
I don't know why.
Maybe it's something the Reverend would Ah, what? Come on, let's not You know what? I'm going.
We've got time! Titus was right.
Ow! Ugh.
Ugh.
Mom! I tried everything I could think of to keep this neighborhood weird and dangerous.
Now the only thing left to do is to sell to some yuppie creeps, take the money, and leave a good-looking corpse in Waikiki.
Then I travel the world.
What white creep in a suit is this gonna be? Ms.
Kaushtupper? I saw you on New York One.
- It was inspiring.
- "Inspiring"? What are you, an ironic hipster? My name is Winfred O'Prah.
I work for ISUS.
- ISIS? - ISUS.
The Interborough Society for Urban Settlement.
We're devoted to curtailing new development in New York's historic neighborhoods.
Also, we had the name first.
Ms.
Kaushtupper, have you ever thought about running for office? I hadn't thought of that.
"Mayor Kaushtupper Still At Large, colon, Authorities Baffled.
" Let's talk, you white prick.
I can't believe I won that raffle.
You know how I'm like an astronaut? I'm out of this world, and I once had to poop in a vacuum.
I love Titusville.
Ooh, you know what we should do? We should use "Titus" the way Smurfs use "smurf.
" May I have a glass of Titus with some Titus? But no Titus on it.
I'm deathly allergi-Titus.
"That's one small soup for man, one giant sandwich for mankind.
" Hi, Titus, I'm your astronaut, Captain Mooney.
No pun intended.
None gotten.
- You're an astronaut? - Mm-hmm.
Prove it.
Tell me a story about space.
Oh, I've been to space many times.
From a distance, the Earth looks blue and green.
And the snowcapped mountains? White.
From a distance, the ocean meets the stream, and the eagle takes to flight.
Space Judas! Those are the lyrics to Bette Midler's "From A Distance.
" - You're no astronaut.
- No, I am.
Really.
It's just they shut down the manned space program before I got to do anything.
And I found out about it in the worst way possible: from a very smug chimp.
Ground Control to Major Confusion.
I know that we stopped going to the moon because it kept changing shapes, making landing impossible, but Forget the moon.
No one's gone to space at all since 2011.
So space is like American Apparel? Titusville used to be a place where we reached for the stars.
Now we reach for the free bread.
I guess NASA decided it was too risky to keep trying.
They got scared.
Now Titusville is just a place where dreams go to die.
Oh, God.
If I stay here, am I no better than a U.
S.
astronaut? I know.
I'm pathetic.
You spend your whole life training to do something, and then it's not worth the risk? What a waste.
Well, it's not too late for me.
I can still get on my rocket ship to the stars.
Or in my case, a bus to a van to a boat.
Failure is not an option.
I'm not gonna end up like NASA: scared, afraid, standing for "Never Accomplishing Space Anymore.
" I'm gonna go to Miami.
And I'm gonna go to that place I saw on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.
And then I'm getting on that boat.
Hey, they're about to start serving dinner.
I can't see you anymore.
Is this 'cause of that obvious lie about the pumpkin pie? I soiled myself on the subway and I sat on the pie to cover it up, okay? No.
I'm sorry, Russ.
I really liked you, but the Redskins? How is that still a thing? These are my parents.
My family is Lakota Sioux.
On the rez, they call me No one invited you, Yellow Head.
I spent every penny I had trying to help them, but nobody cared.
And the fact that you don't care either, it's just too much.
The truth is, I'm not rich like I said I was.
I don't own this apartment.
And I can't tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.
I just always keep one in my cheek in case it comes up.
But I would rather live on the street than be with a man who sings that song.
I'm sorry, Russ.
It's over.
That is the hottest thing I have ever heard.
You care.
Nobody cares about anything.
No, Russ.
Your family owns the Redskins.
You think I like these people? They're horrible.
They told me I was adopted.
When I was 18, I found out they were my real parents all along.
But why? Why? And that name? For years, I've been trying to get them to change it to something cool like the Prancers or the Muscle Men or Mystique.
But every time I bring it up, they force me to hit myself with my own girlfriend hand.
Hand.
But maybe together We can take down the Washington Redskins.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oink.
Lori-Ann Schmidt, I got some stuff to say to you! Why didn't you find me? You were supposed to look for me until you found me.
Not just for a while.
Until.
I bet you were glad I was gone, 'cause you never wanted me in the first place.
Ahh! How is this fun? Ahh! You were a bad mom.
You were never there for me.
I packed you lunch every day, and you never ate the fruit! - Ahh! - Whoo-hoo! You were selfish, and you just wanted to party like it was 1999, and it was only 1998! I am so mad at you, and I'm entitled to that emotion.
We're going again.
I got some stuff to say.
First of all, of course I didn't want you.
I was 17 years old.
But I kept you, didn't I? I loved you from the moment you were born, didn't I? So get off my jock! One time, you had croup, and I sat in the shower all night with you even though the demolition derby was in town, and I gave my ticket to a girl who got to be on the news for getting hit by a tire.
That could have been me! - I don't actually like this! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! - Ahh! - Oh! - Whoo! Whoo! You think this is my fault somehow? You sound like them reporters and police station ladies treating me like you got kidnapped 'cause I wore a tube skirt.
- Ahh! - Whoo-hoo! Well, what the fudge does that have to do with the price of meat in Muncie? A crazy man snatched you and locked you up.
Oh! Men keep doing that, every dang day, every dang way.
When are we gonna talk about that, world? I don't hurt kids! And women don't rape things! Hey, not all men.
I know, Shane.
You've always been a real gentleman.
According to recent CDC numbers, 40% of all sexual assaults are committed by women.
That seems high.
Keep the bars down 'cause We're going again! You are so full of baloney! I bet you knew I'd been rescued.
Of course I did! I just didn't want to have this conversation.
I wish you were Geena Davis! Me too, dude! - Ahh! - Whoo-hoo! Whoo! - Ahh! - Whoo! Whoo! Whew.
That coast was epic.
Man, we both got some stuff off our chests.
I broke my record.
Ah.
Yeah! Look, we're cool, right? Maybe I wasn't the best mom, like those penguins who hold their eggs in their mouths or whatever, but I did the best I could, sweetie.
I really did.
I know that should make me feel better.
Ooh! Ugh! Dang shoe.
Come on, Mom.
I'm too big for Velcro shoes.
Can't teach me how to tie laces, but you can teach me how to open a beer with a lighter.
Excuse me, miss.
Can you tell me how to get to the nursing college? You did your best? You couldn't even be bothered to teach me to tie my shoes, and my mittens got caught, and the Howson twins kept walking, and I was alone! I got kidnapped because of you! Is that your best? Unh-unh-unh! Right.
Kimmy, what are you doing? I thought I knew why I came down here.
Rays and rails, baby.
But there's nothing I can say that will un-kidnap me or fix my childhood or give you the life you wanted before you had me.
I could have been Whitesnake's Yoko Ono.
And I just have to accept that.
I just have to accept that.
So like I said, we're cool, right? Yeah.
We're cool.
All right.
Yeah.
Now we're back in touch, who knows? Maybe I come up and stay with you sometime.
Sure.
Hey, we just did Thanksgiving.
Put me down for Christmas.
Wouldn't that be fun? You know, they got some great old wooden coasters up north.
We could do the Cyclone.
I've done it.
Why do you like roller coasters so much anyway? Sometimes you just want to scream your head off.
A coaster's the only place no one looks at you weird.
You all right? Thanks, Mom.
Well, I know what I'm thankful for: loving someone other than myself and revenge.
Happy Thanksgiving, detectives.
I love you.
Titus Andromedon, 6'4", no agent.
And of course, I'm thankful Bobby is back.
Who's Bobby? I'm his sister, Robertina Durst.
And I'm mute.
- Hello? - Kimmy, it's Dick.
What the fudge do you want? I have the most wonderful news.
I met someone, and I'm getting married.
So you and me are gonna have to get a divorce.
Kimmy? Hello? - Good night, everybody! - Good night!