Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

Kimmy Is...Little Girl, Big City!

1 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] Hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels Like the world is so wide And you don't get a second look But you're not alone You're just on your own two feet And it's yours to took Little girl, big city This is the show now Little girl, Big Apple It's a fruit that's bigger than people It's a fruit that's bigger than us Change into pumps at work Now you're laughing at salads Kabir is late again.
I need you to fire him as soon as he gets in.
[RECORD SCRATCHES] And fix that record player.
[RECORD SCRATCHES] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [BANKSTON] Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS] Damn it - - [TITUS HUMS] Big city Hey, hey, Titus.
Uh, look what finally came.
An award? Pour je? [CLEARS THROAT] In 1967, Sidney Poitier [STAMMERS] Titus, these are Artie's ashes.
Oh, okay.
I see it.
[LILLIAN] It just took forever to get the body released 'cause in Norwegian, the word for "cremate" is the same as the word for "shoot at the moon.
" Huh? And it's been tough waiting for him.
I just want Artie to be at peace 'cause, you know, our last days together weren't exactly perfect.
Of course I don't support his politics! I'm just telling you those were the best steaks I ever ate.
Oh, but you won't drink carbonated water that was made in the settlements.
He died later that day.
Well, as much as I love not being the ashiest person in the room for once, this place does not need any more ghosts.
Titus, I keep telling you, there are Then why do I wake up every morning fully slimed? Well, I-I'm gonna scatter his ashes today.
He wants to spend eternity in his old summer camp on the Lower East Side.
Yeah, Camp Schmutz for Jewish Boys and Their Mothers which is probably, you know, a condo or something by now, but as long as he's gonna be in the right spot, he'll be at peace.
FYI, when I die, I wanna be placed in that Bodies exhibit so that I can be thin and looked at.
- Oh.
- Good morning.
Oh, hey.
Well, I'm off to scatter Artie's ashes.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lillian.
FYI, when I die, I wanna do that thing that Princess Diana did, where the whole world mourns and people put teddy bears in front of your palace.
That's class.
Uh, yeah.
Now, why hasn't my favorite client been answering his phone? Because I'm out of datum.
You heard me.
I'm on a datum plan.
Just the one.
Not like you call with good news.
I got you that stock footage gig.
Is that what that was? - [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] - [SIREN WAILING] Is this gonna turn into a porno or not? And it never did.
[SIGHS] At this rate, I'll never become a star.
And if I'm not a star, how will I ever get Mikey to notice me? I declared my love for him on a boat, Jacqueline.
I can't just show up now and act all Contempo Casual.
Well, I'm doing the best I can, but no one takes me seriously.
I don't have an office.
I only have one client, and no one has heard of him, even though his name is ridiculous.
Forget about him! I need a job.
It shouldn't be this hard.
There's so much television.
This is what TV Guide looks like now.
Ooh.
These shows all sound fake.
SMILF? Billions? Shameless? I fell asleep against the wall the other day and they posted over me for something called "Ray Don-ah-van.
" Who or what? Maybe you should lie and say I'm on one of those shows.
Who would know? Or, even better we say you're the star of a show that we've made up completely.
[GASPS] How much is our fake wig budget? Double it.
[SLURPING] What's wrong, Kimmy? You can talk to me, girlfriend.
Thanks, C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
It's nice to have another gal in the office.
Hey, I'm not just a Cybernetic Human Empathy Response Yuko/Lamp.
I'm also your friend/lamp.
I thought this job would be all planning birthday parties and keeping things fun, Kimmy-style.
I got everyone T-shirts! [EMPLOYEES CHEER] [KIMMY LAUGHS] Work is fun! [LAUGHS] But now Zach wants me to fire Kabir.
That's not fun.
You want my advice? Chardonnay.
[TITUS] Kimberly.
We need to borrow a nerd.
What? No, you can't just I'll tell you why.
We're making a poster for Titus' new, completely made-up hit TV show.
It's called The Capist.
It stars "moy" as a superstrong crimes fighter who owns a cape store.
Also, there's a handsome white guy in it for believability.
[TITUS] The point is, we need a contuter and someone who knows how to talk to the contuter and make it do posters.
Fine.
Whatever.
I've got my own problems.
Like what? he said, as an excuse to get close enough to eat her fries.
[KIMMY] Zach says I have to fire one of the coders, just for doing his job bad.
So there'll be an open desk? I know he deserves it.
Kabir is always late.
Speaking of late, why did these guys program me to get a period? Men.
- [SCOFFS] - But I never wanna make people feel sad.
I'm not an Eeyore.
I'm a Pooh! I'm a big ole Pooh.
Oh, sweetie.
Firing people is easy.
You hide some of your jewelry in their purse, and then when you "find" it, bam! Who are the cops gonna believe? You or some red-haired idiot? No.
There has to be a better way.
A Kimmy way.
That's why Zach hired me in the first place.
I can fire Kabir but still make him feel good, not embarrassed.
I just need to cover up the bad news with lots of nice stuff.
I could get him his favorite smoothie and let that wash it down.
Ha.
Like when you trick a Titus into taking his medicine by covering it in peanut butter.
If you think I don't suck the peanut butter off pills, you are dreaming.
[GASPS] [KIMMY] That's him.
Wish me luck, T-Bird.
You.
You're making us a poster.
Cool.
CMYK or RGB? Shut up, nerd.
You're ruining it.
- May I help you? - Oh.
[STAMMERS] I got a dentist appointment or whatever it is you guys do here.
Um, unrelated: is there a fountain or a lap pool I could scatter nothing in? Snoke House is a members-only club.
Gentlemen.
Your guests are waiting for you in the prostitute lounge.
Ugh.
Fine, okay.
Uh, how much does it cost to join this dump? The initiation fee's $100,000.
To walk into a building? I used to get paid to walk into buildings back when I was robbing banks.
Oh.
Well, okay.
I give up, 'cause I scare off easy.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING] [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Hello.
Am stripper for rich-guy party.
Am okay with you kill me.
You're stripping on Peter Thiel's dudes-only indoor yacht? Ugh.
[GIGGLING] Hey! It's me, Cyndi Lauper, and I just wanna have fun.
Holy crap! Cyndi Lauper just killed that stripper.
Run, Cyndi! Kabir, could I see you in my office, please? Alone? I wanna make you feel good.
Okay? Ah! Wow! You've got really nice eyes.
What color is that? Brown? Hey, relax.
[CHUCKLES] Look, the reason I called you in here is to tell you that I like you, Kabir.
I like seeing you every day.
But maybe work isn't the best place for that.
Maybe our friendship belongs in the night hours.
Do you get what I'm trying to say? Okay.
I don't want you to feel embarrassed.
Embarrassing stuff can happen to anyone.
Uh-oh! Would you look at that? Now, this thing's not gonna suck itself.
No, thank you.
Okay, then.
You're fired.
Titus, it's Mikey! From the boat! Hello, Michael.
How are you? Still Italian? Very.
Dude, I had to call 'cause I saw posters for your new show.
- Oh, did you, now? - They were all over my neighborhood and everywhere along my commute, and now there's a bunch at my work site.
[CHUCKLES] How embarrassing.
I can't wait to see it on the Funness Channel? "Chammel," yes.
Well, I just wanted to call and say I'm glad you're doing so good.
Maybe I'll see you around.
[STAMMERS] You know, it's funny you called, because my character is a capist by day, as you know, but in the night hours, he's a construction man like you.
Maybe you could give me some pointers.
Jeez, I don't know anything about night construction work.
I mean, how do they even Lights! Of course.
Okay, come by the site whenever.
[STAMMERS] Are you still around the corner? Yeah, we accidentally built the bank inside the Starbucks instead of the other way around, so we had to start over.
Cool, cool.
Maybe I'll pop over on a turnaround.
[CLEARS THROAT] That's lunch! Enjoy the scrod truck, courtesy of Mr.
Andromedon.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] It's a big apple Full of business worms Zach! What in the big city is Kabir still doing here? I hired you so that I wouldn't have to talk to anyone, and now look.
I'm talking to a third person today.
My Lyft driver asked me if the temperature was okay, and then Kabir filed a sexual harassment complaint against you.
What? For why? "Mr.
Lahti was ordered into Ms.
Schmidt's office, where she complimented his physical appearance, gave him an unwanted back rub, exposed herself, and then told him, quote, 'This thing isn't going to suck itself.
'" And it didn't.
I had to do it.
And I sucked it dry.
Kimmy, this is a problem.
No.
It's all a misunderstanding.
Kabir took everything the wrong way.
I was just trying to fire him in a fun, Kimmy way.
That's what people love about me.
Up top, T-Man.
My name is Tyler, and I don't like to be touched.
None of us do.
And after what you did to Kabir we're not gonna take it anymore.
Take what anymore? [DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC PLAYING] Kimmy coming! [ALL SCREAMING] [LAUGHING IN SLOW MOTION] [SCOFFS] No.
You know what? [SCOFFS FORCEFULLY] You guys just don't like fun.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Okay, whatever.
A complaint has been filed, and as the head of HR, I will be placing me on leave while I conduct an investigation of me.
[DEFEATED MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you for calling me back.
Oh, yes, Titus is very comfortable working with eels.
So the hammer that has nothing to do with ham? That's a common misconception, but it's actually for whapping stuff.
Here, you try it.
Like this? [CHUCKLING] No.
Oh, man, this is such a relief.
I was worried it was gonna be weird after the boat and with me seeing somebody, but then I called you! So it can't be a trick.
And look at me, a consultant for a TV show like all those sex criminals they hire on SVU.
Hey.
What's Greg Kinnear like? Who? is the guy on the poster.
[SCOFFS] Of course.
We didn't just do an image search of "white guy, not scary.
" [LAUGHS] Well [CLEARS THROAT] In real life, he is exactly like he is in that movie.
You know, with him and that person? Stuck on You? Mm-mm-hmm.
Oh, man.
I can't wait to see you two on-screen together.
Mm.
Well, I know how loyal you are to Verizon.
After what the "can you hear me now?" guy did to them? I'm not gonna put them through that twice.
But unfortunately, Verizon doesn't carry the Funness Chammel.
It's a shame, 'cause you'd love all that action.
I shoot my first big fight scene tomorrow with Gr eg.
But the poster says you guys are partners.
Talk about drama.
Yeah, but we're gonna submit as a comedy 'cause it's a half hour.
Hey, I'm actually free tomorrow.
If anyone in the union has a birthday, everyone gets the day off.
Can I come visit the set? Sure.
I'll just have my assistant give you the deets.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, his name, you say? Uh Table wood rat birth! Tablewood Ratbirth.
Hey, Lillian.
Thought you were going downtown to scatter your boy.
I tried, B, but his old summer camp is some D-bag private club now.
They wouldn't let me in.
That keeps happening! You know that strip joint on 248th? The Nipple Basement.
Yeah, it's a Soho House now.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, "So-ho House.
" And that's not a strip joint? Huh.
I don't wanna beat a dead horse, - but if I did, I couldn't.
- Mm.
They're all gone now due to gentrification.
Oh, I don't know.
All these rich white folks coming in has been pretty lucrative for me.
We've gone from selling rock to selling powder.
- MAGA, right? - Hmm.
Speaking of which [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] - - [CELL PHONE BUZZES] Titus, the poster is working! I've spoken to a dry cleaner who's interested in hanging your head shot between two Belzers.
Also, are you still allergic to eels? I don't have time to say yes or no to that question! I promised Mikey he could visit set tomorrow.
He wants to meet that white guy from the poster.
I'm screwed, Jacqueline! Like a screw! I know construction stuff now.
Why did you have to bring Mikey into this? This isn't about your love life.
This about building a fempire! Female vampire? Lose-lose.
But if I could get pictures of you "on set" with Greg Kinnear, then upload them to a contuter, cut to: you're on Talk Stoop, and taxi passengers are seeing your face while they angrily press the screen to turn it off.
But how are we gonna find the white guy from the poster? His son goes to Buckley's old school.
Buckley's now at a military academy for peculiar children.
But Greg always brings his boy, Kinnear, to morning drop-off.
"Kinnear Kinnear"? It's a family name.
If we could just get you two together, even just for a few seconds, then that eel safety video is yours.
What? "A hostile work environment"? - "Unwanted physical contact"? - [DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN] "Terrible celebrity impressions"? [AS CHRISTOPHER WALKEN?] Can you buh-lieve-uh uh-this? [GASPS SOFTLY] What have you done, Kim-Kimmery-Kim-Kimmery-Kim-Kim-Karoo? I don't know.
I mean, it's not like I'm a Weinstein or a Spacey - or a the president.
- That doesn't matter.
Even Kimmies have to watch their step these days.
There's a reckoning going on, and it is important and as overdue as the library book I've been using as abs.
- But I'm not a - This is not about you, girl.
This is about your coworkers and how they feel.
But mostly, it's about me.
[VOICE BREAKING] Because this happened to me.
So you give Mr.
Frumpus what he wants, and you get what you want: one of the best TV jobs in New York.
[TITUS CLEARS THROAT] [EERIE STRING MUSIC PLAYING] Titus, I'm so sorry.
But that's not what I did, is it? [INHALES] Look.
I know you're just a sweet girl who don't know how to act Like Britney Spears in Crossroads? But every time you walked into that office, you made those nerds feel scared and powerless, like Britney Spears in Crossroads.
[METALLIC CLANK] Reverend coming! [PANTING] - Hide! - [YELPS] [THE REVEREND] Tube alert! I just finished my mash-up of "Un-Break My Heart" and "Bird is the Word.
" But the time signatures are so different! [GASPS] How was that flashback? Was I there? How did I look? Oh, no.
If that's how I made my coworkers feel, I'm a monster.
I just thought hugs and high fives and T-shirts were good things.
All I ever wanted to do was make the world a better place.
But I guess now I'll fire people and not care if they're sad.
And I'll be Johnny Paycheck, just working for the weekend like a rat on the old hamster wheel! No, Slim Kim.
You need to find a way to make work fun while also respecting people's personal space.
But that's Kimpossible! Is it? Remember when you first moved in here? What are we doing today? I wanna ride an escalator.
[SCREECHES] Lillian! I'm a very prickly gay man, and not just because I fell into a cactus while stealing apples from a botanical garden.
When you moved in here, you had boundary issues.
But I learned to respect your personal space, and we still have tons of fun here.
See? [TITUS GIGGLES] I know what I have to do.
Wow, a real Hollywood TV shoot.
Wait, is that the camera guy? He's just using his phone.
Well, yes.
People watch shows on phones, so you have to shoot on them as well, otherwise Your nose would be, like, the whole screen.
That makes sense.
And action! Okay, here we are.
Well, listen.
You have yourself a great day, and remember, your dad, Greg Kinnear, loves you.
All right.
- Punch me.
Do it.
- Whoa! Uh you you want an autograph? Or a hot meal? Okay, listen.
My ex-boyfriend over there thinks I'm a big-shot actor filming a scene.
Man, I can't believe Greg Kinnear is doing TV.
He has an Oscar nomination.
It's a passion project for him.
His mother was a capist.
Cool.
Hey, what is a capist? Shh, we're rolling.
Well, that is quite a story, Titus.
What can I say? - I love love.
- [TITUS GASPS] So, yeah, just tell me how I can help.
Well, I kind of told him it was a fight scene.
- Oh! Oh, okay.
- So just, you know [GREG] Yeah.
Say no more.
- Just - Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT] [BOTH GRUNT] - [GRUNTS, GASPS] - Oh! Uh Did he see it? Did he buy it? Yeah! Go, Capist! [MAN] Quiet, please! [WHISPERING] I think so.
Well, Artie you're finally gonna be able to rest in peace.
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN] [LAUGHS] Hey, what? You lightweights done already? Yeah, I'm supposed to testify to the SEC in 20 minutes.
Oh, really? Instead of skiing up Party Mountain? Noice! Just promise me you'll do all of it while you're in there, okay? Is the pope a homo? [LAUGHTER] Now we're both at peace and I made 1,200 bucks! [LAUGHS] Ooh, this is the most fun I've had disposing of a body since Oh, well, just don't make me choose! Kimmy coming! Good morning, coworkers.
Kimmy.
You're back.
Is everything okay now? Because you made Tyler so nervous, he pasted his admin password into the release notes for the new beta! [CHUCKLES] Well, Zach, I've concluded my investigation.
And I've found a way to give everyone a happy ending.
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING] [MAN] Uh, because that's the only thing that can destroy the Wall.
[MAN] But what's the science behind White Walker Drogon breathing blue fire? [MAN] Um, for starters, Viserion is the ice dragon.
And it doesn't matter, because if Bran is the Night King, I'm done! [SCOFFS] Hey, you must be Mikey.
- [GASPS] - Yeah.
I've heard a lot about you from my costar.
Wow! Greg Kinnear knows my name.
That's as good as it gets.
[CHUCKLES] That's awesome.
Look, I got a grown man's birthday party I gotta get to, but this was a treat, and I'm glad this all worked out.
Plan? [STAMMERS] What plan? I mean me and you.
It's just cool that we can be friends now.
It is cool.
Maybe I'll call you when I get my next monthly datum.
[GREG] Wow.
Hey, I know this was just a goof, but this was it was really fun, Titus.
Remember when we were kids and we would just pretend? Well, I never stopped.
[CHUCKLES] And I dig that twisted brain of yours, mister! We'll do it again for real sometime.
Wait.
Like, "for real" for realsies? Yeah.
Yeah, why don't you write this Capist thing up? We'll take it out together.
YouTube Brown just bought ten episodes of "literally anything" from me the other day, and I don't have anything in the pipeline.
Jacqueline White, White Talent.
Titus would love to be in the Greg Kinnear business.
Okay, get me a script in a week or two.
We get paid to dream.
Oh, my God.
I did it.
Will you reach out to Greg and let him know I can't make his deadline? [SINISTER PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] [MAN] Consider it done.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] Hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels Like the world is so wide And you don't get a second look But you're not alone You're just on your own two feet And it's yours to took Little girl, big city This is the show now Little girl, Big Apple It's a fruit that's bigger than people It's a fruit that's bigger than us Change into pumps at work Now you're laughing at salads Hey, hey, hey - Good night, everybody! - Good night!