Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

Kimmy Disrupts the Paradigm!

Nope, nope! Kimothy Olyphant, this is not justified.
You have got to stop obsessing about this dumb movie! It's not health [STAMMERS] Shut up, Titus.
You're on TV.
You're just jealous because the Reverend and I are in love.
He's mine, you skanks.
I'm Kimmy! How could you not know? When they say you can keep the wigs, you don't ask questions.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [BANKSTON] Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS] Damn it [OPERATOR] Please hold.
Your call is important to us.
[SINGERS] HouseFlix Bringing you the best Of what there’s left in entertainment HouseFlix No! I'm mad.
I don't care how great this song is.
Hey, Red.
I got leftovers.
I made kugel for two, but Artie's dead, and I didn't eat my share because it's kugel.
It's disgusting.
What's with the frowny face? I'm trying to get HouseFlix to take down that dumb documentary.
- Eh.
- [GASPS] Forget about it.
If I learned anything doing stand-up in the '70s, it's that you never engage a heckler.
You were a stand-up in the '70s? Well, yeah.
Everybody was.
All I'm saying is, if you're gonna get strangled, a hillside ain't too shabby.
Sure beats Boston.
- [MAN] Get off the stage! - Hey! Just shut up! Turned out, that guy had his own hammer.
Well, I have to do something, Lillian.
People are gonna watch that movie and think it's true, like I did with Cloverfield.
There's no truth anymore.
People can find facts to back up anything.
For example, did you know that the Lincoln assassination was faked? [WHISPERING] John Wilkes Booth was an actor.
It's work.
Zach wants me to go to Pittsburgh to some tech thing.
I need that like I need a hole in the head besides my mouth, nose holes, and ears.
Pittsburgh? No, that's exactly what you need to get your mind off that dumb movie.
Have fun.
Eat French fries on a sandwich! Yes.
With such a sandwich, one would have a free hand for, say, yo-yoing.
And you know what? Almost never.
- I'm coming with you! - [GASPS] I'm sick and tired of moping around upstairs, making meals for two, crawling into bed at night with a bunch of dead cats stuffed into Artie's pajamas Neat story! Okay, great.
Let's pack.
Are you sure you don't want to come? 'Cause I don't know a lot of this tech stuff.
Like, what is "tech" even short for? Is it Texas? All you have to do is stand by the booth and play the video.
I'm getting a booth? Here are your materials.
[KIMMY] Oh, okay.
The theme of this conference is disruption? [CHUCKLES] Does that mean Kevin from my sixth grade science class will be there? I do not know who's attending.
Take pictures of the train for me.
[JACQUELINE] Hi, Titus! Titus! Mwah.
[SMOOCHES] Can I get you a water? Body-temperature, please.
Kimmy? A weirdly hot water for Mr.
Andromedon, please.
No! I don't work for you! - She's terrible.
- Mm.
So how is The Capist coming along? I haven't actually started writing yet.
But I picked out all my capes for the first three seasons and the Christmas special.
Well, we don't get paid until you hand in a script, so you're gonna need to book something in the meantime.
Are you familiar with an acting troupe called Choices Matter? Choices Matter.
They do? [SCOFFS] That can't be true.
They visit schools and do skits - Pass.
- to warn against premarital sex - Lame.
- drinking - Snore.
- which racial slurs you can use in unboxing videos, and I got you an audition.
Girl, you may as well be offering me multigrain, no butter, 'cause that is not how I roll.
[SIGHS] Titus, I'm gonna give it to you straight.
- Gross.
- Finding you work has not been easy.
You have a reputation.
You swam away from your last two gigs.
Three, if you count that Macy's I flooded.
You can't afford to be picky.
If you don't eat, I don't eat, which is fine, because I don't eat.
But it would be nice to get Botox in a doctor's office again instead of from eating improperly canned meats.
You're going to that audition.
[SCOFFS] Fine.
Tell your girl I'll take my water to go.
Kimmy, box up Titus' water.
No! Stop bothering me! I've got one at home that's worse.
[SIGHS] - - [DRONE BUZZING] [BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING] Hey, would you look at the male-female ratio here? This is what the French call a "grand festival du sausage.
" Wish me lick.
You heard me.
[GIGGLES] Oh, monsieur What's your DevOps? UGC? Why don't you U-G-see for yourself? [CHUCKLES] Pickin' boogs, pickin' boogs.
It feels so good.
Gotta get up there! That appears to be the wrong video file.
[NARRATOR] Giztoob's next-gen algorithm can reduce latency and increase CTR, even if your client is still using a CRT.
[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS] They went there.
[NARRATOR] This is not your grandma's interface.
We'll leave that to the people with Hotmail accounts.
[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Don't tell, but I have a Hotmail account.
I won't.
And my email is BlackNBald@freeInternet.
I share it with my roommate.
Yeah, I'm not really a tech guy.
They just send me here to kind of be the face of the company.
Me too.
I'm a face too.
I don't get any of this.
This is the first eye contact I've made all day.
I love eye contact.
It's the handshake of the face.
- I'm Danford.
- Not me.
I'm Kimmy.
Don't laugh, but I still have paper business cards.
Now you don't laugh.
There's a barbershop in my neighborhood called Hair Goes Nothing.
Wow! I know that these kids all think phone calls are last-gen, but call me? [LILLIAN] Ho-ho.
What are you boys up to? - Oh, my God! I found a spaghetti! - Ooh! - Oh.
- Loose tuna! [LILLIAN] Huh? [ANNOUNCER] Bring Fido back to life with PetGoggles VR eyewear.
[LILLIAN] Hello, stranger.
You like to party? Yes! Come here, girl.
- You got a room here? - Bad girl.
No going on the bed.
I don't want you chewing on my stuff.
Well, then what are we doing here, fella? Hmm.
Well, what's a tall drink of boink like you doing in a place like this? Well, hello, beautiful! - Ah - I'm Chet.
Are you down for some dirty fun, Chet? Oh, sounds like a date, gorgeous.
T? Huh? I love you [ROBOTIC VOICE] Lill-i-an.
What the I don't need drugs to have fun.
My drug of choice is being patient with my stepfather.
That was great, Titus.
But Oh.
Um Yes.
Titus, I know you're reading for the athlete, Jocko, but I think you'd make the perfect nerd.
Me! - [SCOFFS] - But you're an actor.
Act nerdy.
I do not play nerds, Jacqueline.
I slay them, and I always have.
["THE POWER" PLAYING] - What do you got there, spaz? - What are you 'Cause it's mine now.
- [INHALING] - [COUGHING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I've got the power But all the greats have transformed themselves to play against type Charlize Theron in Monster, Jeremy Renner struggling to be a physicist in Arrival, Tom Hanks shooting Nazis instead of celebrating them and collecting their memorabilia.
I do belong alongside those great actors, both in people's memories and as the only black person on a future Vanity Fair cover.
But how will I learn to dweeb? [MAN] Guys, look! I'm doing it! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! [YELPS] - [ALL YELL] [MAN GROANS] [MAN 2] Come on.
Wow, you're heavier than my birds.
You okay? [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] Huh! The guys here are useless.
I tried all my strongest moves: zipper inspector, pretending to be a chair.
You can't even get them to look up from their gizmos and their bleep-blorps.
And what exactly have you been up to, you busted skank? Ah, is it that obvious? His name is Danford, and he smells like a woodpile.
Isn't it classy how his first name sounds like a last name? That means our kids could be named stuff like Jackson or SquarePants.
What'd I tell you? Pete Rose belongs in the hall of fame of rockin' bods.
No, about this trip being exactly what you needed.
I haven't thought about the movie in hours! Aw, good for you, Red.
I'm headed to the bar.
With my luck today, I bet the door won't even hit me in the ass.
- Hmm.
- "Hmm.
" Nerm, nerm, nerm.
Um [MAN] Oh, um what are you doing, man? Being a method actor, like Daniel Day-Lewis or the Trivago guy.
When you watch him, you believe he doesn't sleep in a home.
I'm studying you for a role.
Now, tell me everything.
How did your nerd father even get your nerd mother pregnant? Uh, did she follow him too closely down a water slide? - What? - Ooh.
Where are you from? Were you a child at one point? - Yeah.
I - That's good.
I grew up in a small town in the South but never felt like I belonged there.
That's why I came to New York.
[LAUGHS] You're confused.
You're talking about Titus.
He is very interesting, but I actually wanna talk about you.
[LAUGHS] Well, I live in New York.
I have a roommate.
I like Broadway musicals and pizza.
[WOODWIND MUSIC PLAYING] Can you sit and talk? Well, I can talk, but my hemorrhoids are pretty bad.
You me same.
[NARRATOR] And this is not your grandma's interface.
We'll leave that to the people with Hotmail accounts.
- [LAUGHTER] - Grandmas are lame.
- [QUIETLY] Sorry, Grandma.
- Hi.
This is boring.
Let's ditch.
But ditchers get stitchers.
This conference is about disrupting, right? So let's, like bust the paradigm or whatever.
They do say busting makes you feel good.
But where are we gonna bust? [RHYTHMIC SCRATCHING] - [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] - [KIMMY] Oh, "bust the paradigm" means "bust a move.
" "The paradigm" means "a move.
" No one ever comes to the parties at these things.
It's like having your own private dance floor.
That's great, 'cause I'm a private dancer.
"A dancer for money.
I do what you want me to do.
" What's that song about? [ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING] You got moves, Kimmy.
Oh, I just dance like no one's watching, even though I have a neighbor who always is.
[DJ] Okay, now let's slow it down.
- There used to be a graying tower - A slow song.
- Alone on the sea - My hands aren't sweaty.
I just picked up a fish.
You became But did you know that when it snows My eyes become large and The light that you shine Can't be seen? Baby - [RECORD SCRATCHES] - [DJ] Hey! You're from that documentary! You're married to DJ Slizzard.
What are you doing with this guy? - Wait.
No, it's not I can - You're married? It sounds worse than it is.
Actually, no.
It's way worse than it sounds.
Never mind! Thanks a lot, DJ.
I hope all your records get scratched! Oh, they will.
[RHYTHMIC SCRATCHING] [LAUGHTER] We don't get those chammels.
[LAUGHTER] So wait.
Doctor Who is a woman now? - More like "Doctor Why.
" - [LAUGHTER] Jacqueline! It turns out, nerds are people.
[CHUCKLES] They have feelings and emotions.
If I tickle them, do they not laugh? If I shove them, do they not fall? How could I have been so cruel to them? [BELL RINGS] [LAUGHING] Yo, look at Toby's cape.
[LAUGHS] It's so gay.
So, so gay.
I hate how it announces itself with a flourish and then leaves you wanting more.
[CLEARS THROAT] I hate nerds.
[SCOFFS] - [BOY] Yeah! - [BOY 2] Get 'em! [BOY] You're the king.
[SOBS] It's because I was scared of being different.
It was easier to call out someone else's differences than confront my own because Jacqueline [SOBS] I'm gay! Yes, Titus, I know.
That's how you end every phone call.
And don't feel bad.
Picking on others when you feel insecure is something a lot of children do.
] Hello, Jacqueline.
She does not have the body to pull off that haircut.
[LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] So, uh what brings you to the convention? - Me? - Yeah.
Just trying to get laid.
Laid? Really? Well, today is your lucky day.
I have to admit, I'm a little surprised.
I look around here, I don't see a lot of attendees who really "get" L.
Tell me about it.
Oh, man, I would love to.
Fundamentally, it's all about P2P.
I don't know how much you know about that P-to-P? Kids' stuff.
I started doing that in my parents' garage back in the '70s.
My late husband and I practically invented B-to-B.
- Wow.
- Whoo.
Did you ever run across Jobs? I was in charge of 'jobs.
Oh, somebody had to be.
- I'll bet.
- [LAUGHS] Guys like me today, you know, we're achieving incredible RAM speed.
With very few bugs.
Must be nice.
You know, I'm running this little group thing tomorrow night.
I would love you to stop by - and share your experience.
- Oh.
I'll send you the deets.
What's your email? Yeah.
"Jack Reacher"? You a fan of the books? I wrote the books.
[BOTH LAUGH] The Hard Way.
That's my favorite.
- [CHUCKLING] - Hey, that's my favorite too.
Stupid documentary.
More like a docu-mean-to-me.
You're a good listener, Chet.
You're not so bad yourself, doll baby.
You're a real [DISTORTED ROBOTIC VOICE] Low battery.
Low battery.
- There you are.
- Ugh, Danford, I don't wanna talk about it.
I'm so embarrassed.
Kimmy, it's okay.
I understand.
I mean, I'm married too.
So I totally get it.
You go on the road, you get your kicks, you go home, no harm done.
No harm done? No! Harm done! You're a liar.
Like Zack Morris.
Did you know he's not really blond? I mean, sure, he pulled it off.
He's Zack.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
So, what, this was just gonna be "whimmy-shimmy, thank you, Kimmy"? Oh, I am not a bad person.
[STAMMERS] None of the guys at this thing even look up from their phones, and the girls are grateful for a bit of eye contact and then other-part contact.
Sure, East Coast tech is a really small world, so sometimes I fake my own death.
I mean, does that woman think I'm my own twin brother? Of course she does.
She's hooked up with both of us.
Why am I still talking? Okay, come on.
Can we keep this between us? Please? Oh, so I don't ruin your fun? No way, Chester Cheater.
I may not be able to do anything about those documentary jerks - What is this documentary? - Don't worry about it.
But I can do something about you.
I'm gonna tell everyone here that you're a dog! [INHALES SHARPLY] No.
Dogs are the best.
They're loyal and soft.
I'm gonna tell everyone you're a rat! No, that's unfair to the rats of NIMH and Master Splinter.
You're a snake! But what about those snakes that dance out of a basket? They just wanna bust the paradigm.
I'm gonna tell everyone that you're a bad man! - Starting with her.
- Hang on! Hang on, Kimmy.
Is that really gonna do anyone any good? Right now, that woman I want to say her name is Gorb? That can't be right.
Right now, she is perfectly happy.
[WHISPERING] And so is my wife.
She and I just bought a house together, right next door to her parents.
We are decorating a nursery, and we have a dog.
That's a very cute dog! No one is getting hurt.
But if you say something, all those people and dogs will be devastated.
- So how are your art classes going? - What? 'Cause you've painted me into a corner.
[INHALES SHARPLY] [TITUS] I'm glad I said no to club drugs.
The only K-hole I wanna go down is a kiss-hole with Popularia.
Like she'd ever kiss you, Nerdler.
[TITUS GRUNTS] - [LAUGHTER] - Yo, that's you, Garrett.
- [LAUGHTER] - [GIRLS] Garrett! [LAUGHING] [TITUS CHUCKLES] Alan, could I get a moment? I'm really loving this show and the cast and crew, of course.
We've really become a family.
This award is for all of us.
I was just wondering if we might do a little tweaking.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm here 'cause I got arrested for meth.
No, I mean the script.
I'm an expert on nerds now.
These kids don't really see themselves in this character.
They're real people.
If you cut them and I did they bleed a lot.
Okay, I was warned you might be trouble.
Listen, we've only got 15 minutes to touch on abstinence, drugs, and not joining ISIS.
Nerds are nerds, jocks are jocks, end of discussion.
- Now get back out there.
- No We're almost at the part where Nerdler pees his pants and it gets on the calculator in his pocket and it electrocutes his wiener.
- [SIGHS] - Come.
Go, go.
Recently, my girlfriend's been talking about possibly showing me her vagina, and I'm seriously thinking about looking.
Nerm, okay, cool, Jocko.
- That's my client.
- [TITUS] Nyerm.
[WHISPERING] Why are you here? This is for students.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY] I'm here for the group thing.
- Lillian, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Follow me.
- [FRED] Ladies and gentlemen, get excited for Lillian Kaushtupper.
Here she comes.
[CLAPPING] - - [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] Oh! For the love of Pete.
This is all about bleep-bloops and zeep-zorps? From her parents' garage, with just a dream and a soldering iron Uh, I did not tell you that part.
to leading the way in L.
, Lillian has been disrupting the paradigm for decades.
You know, in a world of in-no-vation, she is all about in-yes-vation.
Okay, stop it.
Stop all of this! I have been asked to share my experience, so listen up.
I don't get it.
I mean, how can you come here in your sexual primes, with your functioning backs, and spend all day talking about computers? - [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING] - You're not even making eye contact, to say nothing of the other parts! You nerds, you you may be socially awkward, but you're human! [BLUBBERING] Ow! My virgin wiener! [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] No.
Stop all of this! You nerds may be socially awkward, but you're human.
There goes my $20 commission.
I was gonna be able to take a cab home.
You all you talk about disrupting, but you just sit here doing nothing! You're in Pittsburgh, the city that put French fries in a sandwich, so don't tell me you don't have a free hand.
And look around you for once.
You are surrounded by your own kind! Oh, this place should be like the Olympic Village or the munchkin tent during the filming of The Wizard of Oz.
Ooh! Look at that guy.
- He gets it.
- [CROWD GASPS] I'm a nerd.
But that doesn't mean I'm not also a jock.
And guess what.
I'm also gay.
Like this kid.
[CROWD GASPS] That's right.
I'm gay, and I'm pro Okay, thank you, Mood.
But my point is, you can be many things all at once.
You can be a nerd, a jock, and maybe you're also cursed with Perfect pitch - [TITUS CONTINUES SINGING] - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] You dummies like machines.
Let me tell you about three beautiful machines.
One: the human mouth.
Two: the human hands.
Three: the human lower half.
Three great feats of engineering.
And guess what.
They are all on one body: yours! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] No! Don't go with that guy! Because because he has your grandma's interface! [CROWD GASPS] He has a Hotmail account! - [CROWD GROANS] - Hotmail? And he told me to call him, like this is 1998 or something.
Oh, and, Danford what exactly does "disruption" mean? [DANFORD COUGHS] Well, uh, there's the the paradigm, um, of course.
And you don't want it to be 'rupted.
I don't know! You stupid nerds.
And I don't care.
I wanted to be in sports management.
Kill him.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] - [CROWD CHEERING] - [MAN] Let's do this! - [MAN 2] It's happening! - [WOMAN] Yeah, it is.
- Oh! - Oh, uh, run, Kimmy! [EXCITED CHATTER] Titus.
That's it.
I'm done.
You've burned too many bridges.
Not true.
I put out a bridge fire when I flooded that Macy's.
Excuse me.
I'm the principal here at Daniel Patrick Moynihan Pubic School.
The L fell off the sign.
But why do you have to say it that way? I just wanted to thank you.
I've never seen our students so engaged and excited.
Also, I won a bet about Jason being gay.
[MOUTHING WORDS] This is a shot in the dark, but we're looking for someone to direct our spring play.
Our theater teacher recently left to pursue other opportunities.
He got some girls pregnant? Super pregnant, yes.
Is there any chance you'd be interested? Me? [LAUGHS] Teach children? You are looking for work, Titus, and I need this commission.
I just lost 20 bucks to this guy over that gay kid.
And the students clearly worship you.
What? Like a god? Well, not exactly like Sold! To the handsome bald gentleman who's talking right now.
My agent will handle all the details.
You want Titus? Well, I'm gonna make you wish you'd never been born.
Let's talk salary.
It's $140 a day.
Drive me home, and we have a deal.
That was the fastest orgy I've ever been in.
Oy! Ready to get out of here? - Oh, I'm ready to do a lot of stuff.
- Yeah? Most people come to Pittsburgh to escape, but I just can't stop being me, Lillian.
If there's a jerk, I'm gonna bust him! And I know you said there's nothing I can do about that dumb movie, but I have to try.
You know what? I shouldn't have tried to stop you.
Bustin' jerks is just your Asses and Glasses Fest.
Ah, by the way, I named what I just did here Asses and Glasses Fest.
And I wanna make sure everyone knows that the Reverend is a real monster, not a party monster.
Well, everyone's a lot of people, dear.
Well, so am I.
[LILLIAN CHUCKLES] [GROWLS] Will I ever see you again, Lillian? No.
But we'll always have Pittsburgh.
[GIGGLES] - Good night, everybody! - Good night!