Uncoupled (2022) s01e08 Episode Script

Chapter 8

- Oh my God!
- Really?
I sent you a photo to prepare you
specifically so I wouldn't
get that reaction.
Sorry. It's a little angrier in person.
Kind of like Ellen DeGeneres.
But don't worry, you'll look like
a cover girl by the time I'm through. Sit.
Oh! And, uh this'll make you feel better.
We got our big-ass commission check
on Claire's apartment!
Oh, snap!
Oh, look at all those lovely zeroes.
- Mm.
- They really get that number on its feet.
I'm gonna use this money as a down payment
to buy out Colin's half of the apartment.
When did you talk to him?
I will today, at the wedding.
It's supposed to be on the market
six months after we separated,
but I really wanna stay here.
In spite of everything that's happened,
I love this place. It's my home.
Of course it is. Did you always have
this little scar above your eye?
No, that's a permanent souvenir
of the gay ski weekend smackdown.
Does it happen to look sexy?
- Sure.
- Ugh, I really should sue Billy.
Because of him, I have to see Colin
for the first time in months,
looking like this.
He'll probably be with his new boyfriend,
the hot architect.
How do you know?
Did you ask the Jonathans?
No, but I was invited with a guest,
so I'm sure he was too.
And by the look of those pics in Miami,
they seem pretty serious.
- Sorry, baby.
- Thanks.
I've been meditating on it.
I bought an app.
So I think I'm in a pretty zen place.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
There's nothing I can do
about any of this.
- That's right.
- I just have to
let it all go.
- That's right.
- Jesus! Can't you fix this?
I look like the last one out of Chernobyl!
Yeah, you seem super chill
about the whole thing.
Well, look, so Kai's friend told me
that Kai found his father on 23andMe.
Apparently, the guy lives in New York,
and Kai is planning to meet him.
Wow, bury the headline.
Not so much "bury" as "wait for Michael
to unravel, and then you can have a turn."
Fair enough. How do you feel?
You know, this is a guy that I had
a one-night stand with 26 years ago
in Amsterdam, Berlin, or Rome.
And I mean,
it's been me and Kai all these years,
and now he suddenly wants a dad?
You have absolutely no memory
of any of these guys?
Before you start slut-shaming,
do you remember all the one-nighters
you had in your 20s?
I withdraw the question.
As much as I'm dying
to talk to him about everything,
- I don't wanna push it.
- Yeah.
You're doing the right thing.
Let him tell you in his own time.
It's like coming out. You shouldn't
force someone before they're ready.
Like Brittany Blumberg did
to a very confused 15-year-old boy
just because he happened to know
all of the lyrics to "Express Yourself."
Sure I look okay?
Yes! Just avoid direct sunlight
and favor your good side.
Hey, guys. You remember Wyatt
from Colin's birthday?
That night was a blur for many reasons,
but yes, nice to see you again, Wyatt.
You too. I'm sorry to hear about you and
It's all good now. Manageable, anyway.
Haven't seen him in a while.
The last time was not great.
I guess am a bit nervous.
Do I look like I have makeup on?
Oh my God. Here, drink this,
and calm the fuck down.
- Billy's wearin' more makeup than you.
- I came right from the studio.
Yeah, but you touched it up in the car.
I think we may need to have a talk
about what grown-ups do
in private, young man.
You keep it up, Wyatt.
Billy's chops could use a little bustin'.
I gotta go to the ladies'.
Any idea where it is?
It's upstairs. I'll walk you.
Funny, and a gentleman
with skin like a baby's ass.
Whatever do you see in him, Billy?
Wow, this may actually be
a first second date.
Yeah, it's been a while
since I've had one of those.
But I've been thinking about him,
and he called,
so I asked if he wanted to come.
I really like the kid, Mikey.
I think I might give it
the old college try.
That's so great, Billy.
Even if what you're trying for
is literally still in college.
Ha ha.
I haven't seen him.
I don't think he's here yet.
Well, then here's to the calm
before the storm.
- There's Stanley.
- Oh.
What's going on with him? He looks so sad.
That's his gay wedding face.
It's like every time
he hears another "I do,"
it just reminds him that he don't.
Hey, honey, how are you?
Oh, come on, now.
Don't be down about the wedding.
The Jonathans found each other.
There's hope for everyone.
You still have plenty of time.
Thank you for the patronizing sentiment,
but I'm not worried about the wedding.
As for having plenty of time,
I'm not so sure about that either. I
I got a call from my doctor this morning.
- On a Saturday?
- He got some test results.
not good.
Uh You're scaring me, Stanley.
What is it?
I have
breast cancer.
- What?
- He's joking.
I wish I were.
Oh my God.
- I can't believe it.
- Me either.
But it's true.
I have stage-one breast cancer.
But you're a dude.
Wait, have you always been a dude?
Apparently, they caught it early,
but I have to see my doctor on Monday
to discuss treatment.
Will you go with me?
I need another pair of ears.
I'm so wobbly,
I'll probably miss half of it.
Of course. Don't worry. It'll be okay.
That's what people say
when they have no idea if it will be okay.
Don't look now.
There's Colin.
You know
Oh, and the hot architect.
You should go over, say hi.
Get it out of the way.
He's right. Don't worry. It'll be okay.
All right, I'll be back.
How do you think you got the titty cancer?
Hi, Colin. Hello, I'm Michael, the ex.
I know it looks like I was in a bar fight,
but no, I got drunk at gay ski weekend,
and the friends
who were taking me to my room
dropped me on my face.
Nice to meet you.
Hello. I'm Craig,
and this is my wife, Janet.
- Sorry, wife?
- The train was moving too fast.
I couldn't stop you.
Oh, my
I thought he was your new boyfriend,
the architect.
I saw pictures of you guys
in Miami last week.
First of all, that guy's not my boyfriend.
He's somebody I went out with a few times
who happened to be in Miami.
Second, he looks nothing like Craig.
Craig, Janet, Colin.
Third, I'd never have brought a date
to this out of respect
Did you bring somebody?
No. Honestly, I was just trying
to make you feel comfortable
and not have it be weird between us again.
I am sorry about the dog meltdown.
My mother heard the whole tirade
and called me a whiny bitch,
in case you were wondering
whose side she came down on.
That's okay. I probably should've
broken that news more thoughtfully.
He pooped in my Prada loafers,
if it makes you feel better.
Yeah, I don't love that it makes me
feel better, but it does.
If everyone could get to their seats,
the ceremony is about to begin.
- I guess I'll see you later.
- Sounds good.
If only you could see me now ♪
Friends, family,
and loved ones,
we gather today to celebrate
the marriage of Jonathan and Jonathan.
Two halves joining
to create one long, happy life together.
I'm okay.
Jonathan, in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
- I do.
- And Jonathan?
I do.
And now the rings.
They symbolize your commitment
to each other
and a daily reminder
that you are a family.
My best friend.
- My heart.
- Forever.
- Yeah!
- Hup!
Mazel tov!
I now pronounce you husband and husband.
You may kiss your Jonathan.
Only one percent of men get breast cancer.
That is not the one percent
I aspired to be in.
Well, I had a scare three years ago,
and I had just had 'em lifted.
Eight grand to perk these babies up,
and now you find some funny cells?
But they radiated the fuck outta
that bitch, and I'm totally fine now.
You will be too, sweetie.
Stage-one tumors are very responsive
to treatment. Survival rate is nearly 90%.
First-year med student at Columbia.
He's going to be a doctor too?
Oh, so it's official.
There is no God.
All you got goin' on,
what are you doin' with this geezer?
- I know, right?
- Yeah.
But I'm kind of crazy about him.
I guess you could say I'm an old soul.
Oof, don't tell Billy that.
You're already at the cutoff.
Hey, did you talk to Colin
about the apartment?
I was going to,
and then the ceremony started.
Maybe I'll go over now.
His table looks pretty empty.
It's okay to say hello to him, by the way.
He's done his time.
- I'm commuting his sentence.
- Seriously?
Yeah. It's just too exhausting
to stay mad anymore.
Come here. I'm so proud of you.
Was it something you said?
Where is everybody?
You got the friends table.
I got the gay singles table.
I think they're in the bathroom
doing blow.
Note all the untouched plates of food.
At least you'll get to take home
the centerpiece.
No, not necessarily. There's a twitchy
shoe salesman who's got his eye on it.
Although that might be
just a fetching little tic.
Oh, sounds promising!
Anyway, there's this little business thing
that I would like to
Everyone, the mother of Puerto Rican
Jonathan wants to make a toast!
First, let me say I'm thrilled
that after 12 years, one child,
and six trips to Mykonos
that could have been honeymoons
these boys are finally making it legal!
Though, as a devout Catholic,
I'm not sure that them living in sin
was my biggest problem.
- Gay joke.
- Yeah.
But I really wanna thank
their very good friends,
Michael and Colin,
who I see right there,
for splitting up,
because it scared my son
into marrying Jewish Jonathan
after seeing how easily
a relationship can end
without the threat of divorce
hanging over it!
- Glad we could help!
- Hear, hear.
Cheers, everyone!
A little unexpected attention.
Thanks, Tipsy Teresa.
At least something good
came out of our breakup.
You know, I always thought
if we ever did this, got married,
it would be just the two of us.
No walk down the aisle, no party.
Just private.
I guess I'm glad we didn't.
If we were to end up where we are,
getting married wouldn't have
prevented you from becoming unhappy.
I don't know that I was unhappy exactly.
It's just
So much of our lives
had been together, and
I don't Everything going forward
seemed so inevitable.
I couldn't accept the fact that the rest
of my story had already been written.
Funny, I found that comforting.
Well, thanks to your midlife crisis,
now I get to have one of my own.
- Michael, I didn't mean
- No, no, no, it's all good. It's all good.
I want you to be happy.
I really do.
Now we both have new stories to write.
- I want you to be happy too.
- Thanks.
What's this business you wanna talk about?
Yeah, so I appreciate that you have been
paying for half the mortgage,
and I know you wanna put it on the market,
but I just got a big commission check,
and I'd like to buy you out
and stay in the apartment.
Oh! Wow. Um
I mean, I totally get you wanting
to stay in the apartment. It's just, um
my investment brain needs to figure out
if it's the right move.
- Can I think about it for a little while?
- Yeah, sure.
- Look who's back and ready to party.
- Oh.
I'll leave you two.
Miss me?
How about that crazy toast?
I was a second away from pretending
to choke on a chicken bone
as a distraction,
but that would mean putting this chicken
in my mouth, and have you tasted it?
They did not break the bank
on the catering.
No, that's fine.
We actually had
a nice, drama-free conversation.
But he wants to "think"
about me buying him out.
Why? What is there to think about?
"Investment, the right move,
blah, blah, blah."
- Hey there, wedding guests!
- Oh! Hi!
- Having fun?
- Oh, so much!
I'm so glad you could all be here
to celebrate our special day,
our nearest and dearest friends.
And Billy's plus-one. Hello there.
Uh Hi. Wyatt. We met at Colin's 50th.
Thanks. Colin and Michael
are the whole reason
Oh my gosh. Seriously?
Your mother just told the entire room.
FYI, it's maybe not the romantic story
you think it is.
How did you two meet?
We were hitting on the same guy
at a party,
who didn't
give either of us the time of day.
So then we started talking, and by the end
of the night, we fell in love.
Save room for cake.
They seem so happy.
Yeah, it's a real fairy tale.
Two rejects hook up
and 12 years later get married
to legally trap each other forever.
You're so mean!
I know underneath that hard shell,
there's a soft, squishy center.
Which is exactly the opposite
of how the lump in my breast feels.
Bon appétit!
Thank you.
Suzanne, you look so beautiful.
Sorry. I needed to get that out the way.
Thank you. Now come over here
and give me a hug.
- Come on!
- Oh!
Oh, I missed you so much.
I missed you too. I didn't know how to
Or if you'd even want to
- I know. I know.
- Yeah.
But the ban has been lifted,
so we're cool.
How are you?
Good. Yeah.
- Adjusting.
- Mm.
Tonight's a little strange. Kind of feel
like I have one foot back in my old life.
But it's nice to see everybody. How's Kai?
Kai just found his father on 23andMe,
and he's planning on meeting him,
and he doesn't know that I know.
- Oh, wow.
- Mm-hmm.
- You gonna tell him?
- I want to, but that's making it about me.
Sometimes, we have to make
a selfless decision
that's better for the person we love,
or loved, than for ourselves.
- You mean Michael and the apartment.
- Oh! Look at you! Catchin' on so quick!
Look, the apartment has appreciated
approximately 40% since we bought it,
so the logical thing to do
would be to sell it, split the proceeds.
We'd both be assured of fair market value.
There you go with that sparkling
finance repartee. Look, Colin.
I love you,
but you did a shitty thing to Michael.
You have a chance to do a nice thing.
Honestly, I pictured different people,
strangers, living there after we left.
Now Michael's probably gonna meet somebody
new, they'll live there
It just feels a little weird.
Well, baby
you did that.
We're reachin' just another
Meanin' now ♪
'Cause I've been lookin' at you
For hours ♪
I know there' somethin' ♪
Oh, hi, Billy.
Danny Weaver.
Sorry. Have we
Last summer on Fire Island? At Tea Dance?
We hooked up at your house.
Right. Yeah. Hi, Danny.
That was fun.
It was.
If you're down for hangin' out,
I could give you my number.
Oh, I'm down.
You'd better stop right now ♪
You'd better stop right now ♪
See you soon. I hope.
Come and kiss you ♪
You literally took that guy's number
to hook up right in front of me?
I Uh
I mean, in my defense, I
I didn't know you were there.
That is so fucking disrespectful,
hitting on a waiter
while you're here with me.
That's something someone my age would do.
You're almost 50 years old. Grow up.
Okay, Wyatt, calm down.
No, I was actually
starting to care about you.
Even though everyone warned me
you were a player,
just some old guy
who still thinks he's hot shit.
I told them, "No, he's more than that."
But now I see they were right.
Babe, come on.
You don't care about anyone but yourself.
You're just a shallow,
narcissistic gay cliché.
Wyatt, please.
You'd better stop right now ♪
You'd better stop right now ♪
Before I come and kiss you ♪
- You'd better stop right now ♪
- Oh. Oh God.
You'd better stop right now ♪
You'd better stop right now ♪
Before I ♪
Hey, Kai, what's up?
So Trey told me you know
about my
dad person.
- Stop right now ♪
- Uh
I, um
And I I completely support
whatever you choose to do.
I'm supposed to meet him
at L'Express at 8:30.
I've been going back and forth
about it for days.
That's why I didn't tell you.
I wanted it to be my decision.
Yeah, no, I I understand. Wait, 8:30.
That's soon. You'd better get goin'.
- I just texted him I'm not coming.
- What?
Why not?
You're my family. I've got all I need.
So you're not even curious?
No, I actually think
it'll just fuck me up more.
I don't need another complication
in my life.
Besides, you take up enough oxygen
for two parents.
You probably get your sarcasm from him.
How did he respond
when you said you weren't coming?
Said he'd stay there for two hours
in case I changed my mind.
But I won't.
Bring me home a slice of gay wedding cake.
I'm about to smoke a bowl,
so, you know munchies.
You got it, baby.
- My own way back to you ♪
- Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
I need you in my life
To wash away the blues ♪
Now I'm standin' on the other side ♪
I can feel it in my bones ♪
Why didn't you ask me
to take you to the doctor?
Why did you ask Michael and not me?
I've been away too long ♪
I'm going to be a mess in that office,
and I'm not gonna hear everything.
And unless the doctor is 25 and shirtless,
you won't hear anything either
because you'll be scrolling on Grindr.
- That's not true.
- I'm sorry.
That was rude.
I hear you graduated to Tinder.
Is that really what you think of me?
That I'm a a what?
A a shallow narcissist?
I didn't say that.
You know I love you,
but you are who you are.
One of your great qualities
is that at least you're honest about it.
- I wanna go to the doctor with you.
- Billy, where is this coming from?
And where's Wyatt?
I love you, Stanley.
Whatever happens, I am here for you.
Why do I suddenly feel
like I'm comforting you?
Get back to it ♪
Get back to it ♪
Get back to it ♪
Get it! Get it! Get it! What!
- Get back to it ♪
- Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Oh, look who it is!
You realize this is a dance floor, right?
Yeah, mind if I join?
Oh! Make room, everybody! Wall Street
wants to bust a move. Go ahead, baby!
- Look at this sight! I am impressed.
- What?
Normally you're like
a sideline Sam at these things.
All of a sudden,
you're So You Think You Can Dance?
What happened? Oh, right, you lost 165 lb.
- Ah!
- Wow!
No, I just wanted to be out here
with you guys.
Aw, that's sweet.
Make sure you save a dance
for my cousin Phillip. He's so into you.
Get back to it ♪
That's our song, baby!
Happy wedding!
At last ♪
My love has come along ♪
What are you dancing with me for?
Cousin Phillip is drooling over you.
- He did give me his number.
- My lonely days ♪
I can get ten percent off any item
at It's Shoetime in Newark,
so not a total waste.
- And life is like a song ♪
- Oh boy.
We seem to be exciting comments
among the crowd.
Oh, yes.
We're everyone's favorite distraction
from their boring lives
- for the next five minutes.
- Oh, yeah, at last ♪
Enjoy your moment in the spotlight.
- Are you wearing makeup?
- No! St N
- What?
- Okay, fine.
Maybe maybe I was, you know,
trying to cover up a little of the damage
so that I would look better
seeing you again and your new boyfriend.
Glad I got to avoid that one.
Craig notwithstanding.
You look fine.
My new boyfriend
would have been very jealous.
And if it's what you really want,
you can buy me out of the apartment.
That I could speak to ♪
- It is. Thank you.
- A dream that I ♪
- You seem really good, you know?
- Can call my own ♪
Different. I mean, not that you didn't
feel well, seem good before
- No, I know.
- Okay.
- A thrill ♪
- I guess I am a little different.
- To rest my cheek to ♪
- How could I not be?
- A thrill ♪
- Right.
- I have never known ♪
Well, I'm gonna say my goodbyes
and head out.
Thanks for the heads-up
that you're leaving this time.
- Oh, and then the spell was cast ♪
- It was nice seeing you, Michael. Really.
- Same here.
- Yeah.
- You smell good. You always did.
- And here we are ♪
- You take care, handsome.
- You too, handsomer.
For you are mine ♪
At last ♪
Oh, here he comes.
What the fuck with the dancing?
- That was some crazy shit out there.
- Are you getting back together?
Of course not. Are you insane?
Well, it was nice
seeing the two of you like that.
It was nice.
I think we can actually be friends.
Not now, but someday.
Really? What happened?
I don't know.
It didn't hurt like it used to.
It feels like the bleeding
has finally stopped.
What about the apartment?
He says I can stay.
Have you tried the cake? It's gluten-free.
- Ugh!
- Hideous!
It's like the chicken with icing.
- What time is the doctor on Monday?
- Noon. Billy's going too.
Really? Cool. Hey, where's Wyatt?
- Oh
- Uh
I may have shit the bed on that one.
I won. I want you all to pay me my money.
- Were you all taking bets?
- I don't have any dough.
- Wait, I liked Wyatt!
- There's no bet to me.
- I told you.
- Everybody liked Wyatt.
So why isn't he still here?
Because someone doesn't know
how to treat a man.
You told me that you'd stay with me ♪
And shelter me forever ♪
That was a hard promise to keep ♪
I can't blame you for the bad weather ♪
After all that has been said and done ♪
I won't ask you where you're going ♪
Don't keep in touch ♪
I don't miss you much ♪
Except sometimes early in the morning ♪
- Now use your silver tongue ♪
- Excuse me, sir.
Can you head back downtown?
I want to go to L'Express.
I'd like to know ♪
Did you ever believe ♪
- The lies that you told? ♪
- Thanks.
Did you earn the fool's gold
That you gave me? ♪
- Did you ever believe ♪
- Oh my God.
The lies that you told? ♪
Did you earn the fool's gold
That you gave me? ♪
Did you ever believe
The lies that you told? ♪
Did you earn the fool's gold
That you gave me? ♪
Jesus Christ!
You scared the shit out of me!
What are you doing here?
I think
I think I made a mistake.
If the sun should tumble from the sky ♪
If the sea should suddenly run dry ♪
If you love me ♪
Really love me ♪
Let it happen ♪
I won't care ♪
If it seems that everything is lost ♪
I will smile and never count the cost ♪
If you love me ♪
Really ♪
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