Undercover (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
'For most people, life is all about family.
' 'But as an undercover cop, 'my life is all about a family of Armenian gangsters.
'Who might kill me at any moment.
' Shh! So you're Zoe? I'm Chris.
Bit like a first date this, isn't it? I like boxercise, going to book club and I make a wonderful butternut squash risotto.
What are your interests? My main one is not wasting police time.
You're late.
OK Anyway, what's the story? Why isn't Neil here? I'm your handler now, Neil's no longer with us.
Oh, Jesus, no! They've killed Neil, haven't they? In cold blood.
Those Sarkisian bastards.
You've got to get me out! Shit! Shit! No, no, no! It's his DJing.
His DJing? Yes.
Apparently that's really worked out for him, so he's moved to Ibiza.
This is a joke, isn't it? Come on out, Neil! You've got me! Snap out of it, Chris.
You've got to forget everything about the way it used to be.
Forget about being on Easy Street any more.
Just tell me what happened yesterday with the Sarkisians.
'Hamo and Garabed grabbed me.
It was horrendous.
'My decaf soya latte went everywhere.
' Two door! Is not very practical, is it, huh? 'Hamo is one of the big boss's many cousins.
'Loyal, obedient and thicker than an Armenian sujuk sausage.
' Flipping wallyhead! Out of it! Egg mayo, man.
'Garabed's a permanent fixture, Ara's right hand man.
'Switched on, suspicious and obsessed with two things - violence 'and cleanliness.
' Lovely to see you again, guys.
Where are we going? Pig is a dirty animal.
Sorry, what was that? You'll have to speak up a bit, I'm afraid.
I said, a pig is a dirty animal.
You'll still have to speak up a bit, I'm afraid.
I said, a pig is a dirty animal! Sorry, what? We'll take off the hood.
Let's lose the hood.
The hood's not working.
Take the hood off.
Right-ho.
Do you know the time when a pig squeals the most, Chris? Erm, is it during menstruation? Prior to rainfall? Erm It's when you cut its dirty, lying throat.
There is a pig in this family, Chris.
A dirty, filthy pig.
Oh, Jesus! There's no Jesus for piggies, Chris.
Someone wants to see you.
Hood.
Hood.
Put it back on? Thanks for your cooperation.
'I showed no fear.
I gave away nothing.
' I was ice cold.
Nerveless.
Please! I can explain! I can explain! Oink, oink, oink, little piggy! Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit This is the end now, Chris.
Your time is up.
Ara Sarkisian! Ara Sarkisian.
Ara Sarkisian? Ara Sarkisian.
We got you good then, didn't we? But the gun.
There was a gun.
Yeah, I know.
Good, innit? Contact with Ara Sarkisian means we're bang on schedule.
Ticking off all the boxes, one by one.
Schedule? Ticking off boxes? We're on our way up, Chris.
But to get there, we have to make some difficult decisions, don't we? Decisions that might have consequences we might not like.
You're scaring me.
They said that at the hearings too.
The hearings? Oh, shit You're DI Keller! From that whole Henderson mess.
Wasn't that much of a mess.
Where's Henderson now then? Well, he's a bit dead.
They said he was left without backup.
I'm not going to justify myself to you.
He was a good policeman.
I did my best for him and the case.
That's great - for you.
Not so great for Henderson.
Or me.
You don't get it, do you? This is my chance to make amends.
This is my big chance to To get me killed? Don't finish my sentences, Chris! Makes them untidy.
I won't tolerate untidy.
Now, tell me more about Ara.
These are the family accounts, Chris.
Some money is missing.
Little pieces here and there.
Not a lot, but it is the principle.
You need to go to my accountants and find me the pig, Chris.
Well Well, I'd be happy to.
Obviously.
But I'm just not sure that financial crime is my whole area.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I was in the top set for maths at school Brilliant! It is settled then.
You find the pig, and only then we will both go to the special place together.
You mean I'd be in the gang? I'd be a member of the family? Shh! Don't spoil it.
Yeah, shh! Is this, erm .
.
the information I think it is? Just read it.
"Ring Mum, pay council tax, buy muesli.
" Sorry, wrong note.
"30-32 Brook Street.
" Oh, my God! Is this the special place? Erm No, it's the address of Ara's accountant.
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
Still, accountants means figures, means book-keeping.
The key to the whole operation.
This could be a whole new column in my spreadsheet.
Great, cos that's what really matters.
Your spreadsheet! Don't pretend this case can't work for the both of us, Chris.
Can't you pick someone else to go on a crusade with? No, Chris! The Sarkisian brief needs an undercover cop who thinks Armenian, acts Armenian, breathes Armenian.
But I'm not Armenian.
But you had a Greek uncle.
And don't forget, you volunteered.
I know, I know.
Just not for this.
Why'd you bother? Really? I ask myself that regularly.
Obviously, there was the pay rise.
And the vain hope that there could be a little respect.
I respect you.
Hang on a minute.
What is it? Is this soya? Yes.
Because apparently it's very important to the case to remember that dairy .
.
makes you Blotchy.
'So, you and Hamo went looking for the pig yesterday? 'The accountant? Eventually.
'We were in Nando's for almost an hour.
'I think he actually ate a serviette at one point.
' I'm in charge of this one.
Sorry, what was that? I said, I'm in charge of this one.
Well, no, Ara said "with me".
With me, that's not in charge.
Don't backchat me, man! What have I told you about the code? The first rule on the code is always respect the family.
And number two about the code, is always always call me Mr Hamo! Understand me? Hamo's your first name though.
Shouldn't it be Mr Sarkisian? Don't backchat me! Mr Hamo! OK.
Thank you.
Well, look .
.
Mr Hamo That's good.
This is modern financial crime.
This isn't going to be one person.
It's going to be a whole web of people - nameless, faceless.
We're not going to just rock up and instantly pick out a nervous, sweaty accountant cowering behind a shredder with "I'm guilty" written all over his face.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
Please, I'm really sorry It was fisherman's pie.
You're Philip Hutchinson? How do you know I'm Philip Hutchinson? Who's been talking about me? I mean, that's that's if I even am him.
I might not be him.
You're wearing a name badge.
Oh, God! Oh The name badge.
I forgot the badge! I forgot And you are? Chris.
Chris.
Oh, God - Chris! From the Sarkisians, yes.
Oh, God! I mean I'm not concentrating, sorry! Erm Well, it's nice to meet you, Chris.
So you're Philip Hutchinson then? Yes.
You're not one of us, are you? Well, no.
No, you're not.
But I'm a very experienced book-keeper, and, erm I'm very honest.
And I wouldn't steal.
I mean Steal! Why would I say steal? Why would anyone use that word? Well, I'm going to make you filthy rich, my friend.
Yeah, right, see you next Tuesday.
Get in! Yes! High five! Mm Oi, oi, Philly! Argh! Oh, still haven't grown a pair.
Why are you all wet? You pissed yourself again? Well Er, this is Barry Pedrosian.
Erm, he's just joined us.
This is Chris.
Chris, pleased to meet ya.
One of the big dicks.
Better mind my fucking language, ey? Yeah, you'd better watch your fucking mouth, ain't you, eh? Brilliant.
What, this? I call it my womb broom.
Oh, yeah.
All right, Susan.
How are you doing? Wow, what a cardigan! Sparkly and everything.
You look beautiful! Wow! See her? That's a Chink.
More of a chunk, eh? A chunk! Cos she's Chinese and fat, man.
Classic, man.
I've got another one.
What do you call a Chink with one ball? I dunno, what do you call him? What went wong? What went wong?! Wong - cos, it's, it's from that region.
Yeah.
Brilliant, man.
Fair play.
Er, I've got one.
What do you call a Chinese pilot? Oh, is it, erm something about them being monkeys? You call them a pilot, you racist! Barry's ball one was better.
Yeah.
Sorry, mate.
That was shit.
It's got to be shit if Philly's laughing.
Ladyboy, there.
Mind you, he's about the best minge here.
Him and Chris.
Amazing! Look, I've just gotta go to the bathroom.
Look, I've just gotta go to the bathroom.
So, then I had a thought.
Even though it was obviously Philip, could I finger Barry as the thief? But Philip definitely stole the money.
It was a complex ethical dilemma.
Barry - the bigot - who hadn't stolen anything, but didn't laugh at my joke.
Versus Philip - the nice bloke - who'd stolen all the money, but laughed at my joke.
In the end, I just let Hamo come to his own conclusions.
He didn't need me to tell him it was Barry.
It's definitely Barry.
What? No, it's the little sweaty bloke.
It's written all over his face.
Too obvious.
Fall guy.
It's Barry.
Yeah, but the money's been going for months and Barry's only been working here for two weeks.
Oh, how very convenient.
I suppose.
It's a bit more than convenient, though.
It's not actually physically possible for him to be nicking it.
Oh, oh.
Cos the numbers say? Is that why? You're Carol Vorderman all of a sudden, are ya? You know about numbers, do ya? He's making us look like dicks out there! He's a good bloke, man.
He's got you wrapped around his little finger.
He's laughing at you.
It's just jokes.
Flippin' heck.
What's your problem? Would you suck him off? Would you? Would you suck him off? What? No, course not! He thinks you would.
He thinks he's got you.
Are we going to let him do that? Are you going to let him steal from our family? And then go around telling people that you want to suck him off? Is that what you want to do? It ain't like that.
Fuck this, man! I'm telling me uncle! 'So, you're going to go straight to Ara and finger Barry?' He's a nasty piece of work, so he deserves to be fingered.
So, even though Philip's guilty, you're going to throw Barry to the lions, just because he's a bit of a racist? So? Barry gets knocked around a bit by one of Ara's heavies.
It's no biggy.
You can't play god, Chris.
I'm not playing god.
I'm using the power of crime, which is bad, to help equality, which is good.
I'm more like Batman than god.
That sounded better in my head.
So, you're saying it is definitely Barry? I can't believe it.
The little slag! Slag! Slag! But on the upside, I found the pig like you asked, so job done.
Chris, Chris - this is just the beginning.
He's crossed our family, so now you must send him a message.
A message? Don't disappoint me, Chris.
Come, we celebrate Yeah.
Just a minute.
I've got to ring the vets.
'Hi, this is Zoe.
If it's urgent you can get me on the other number - 999.
' Zoe, I have to see you.
I think they want me to kill somebody.
It's all right, Chris.
Just calm down.
What the hell am I going to do? I can't kill a man.
Just tell me what happened.
Start at the beginning of the night.
I got ready at home.
I wore my other black top with a zip.
It's very similar to the one I'm wearing right now.
It's too far back.
Start at the party.
Tell me about the party.
'Ugh, the party.
I actually think I might be allergic to parties.
' Ah, today's a special day, Chris.
But like a good Armenian, you know this already.
Oh, yeah, course I do.
Yeah, yeah.
But maybe you should say it anyway.
Just be nice to hear you say it.
Course, for some, mixed feelings.
Yeah, of course.
Very difficult.
But not for us! No! Of course not! To the special day.
To the day we were freed from the tyranny of those dirty Russian bastards! Yes! Of course, those Russian twats.
Ara er, about that message that you want me to send Chris, there are some people I would like you to meet.
I think you could be the beginning of a beautiful bastard! Thank you.
Boom! 'So, I get to meet some of his associates.
' Amelia Chalacantic from Serbia.
'But Eastern European men are very huggy.
' Zurag Folgfads from Georgia.
'I can't get used to just how tactile they are.
'It's all so alpha male.
' Pleased to meet you.
'All I can smell is cheap aftershave and violence.
'I mean, what do you do? What's the politics of cuddling? 'Are they waiting for me to touch them back? 'Am I insulting them if I don't touch them? 'So, I think, well, maybe just a light pat or something.
'So, I reach across and, er' Who just touched my arsehole? Who just touched my arsehole?! Yeah, who? If that's appropriate for me to ask? Zurag, how could anybody have touched your arsehole? We all saw you speaking with it.
A-a-a-a-a-gh! A-a-a-a-a-gh! A-a-a-a-a-gh! This is good, Chris.
Finally, you're becoming one of the family.
Now, tell me about the Sarkisian women.
'They're like Armenian stew.
'Full of surprises.
' Hey! Chris - my mother.
Hello.
Hey, Babik.
You fat cock! Hamo, baby boy Get Chris a beer, munchkin.
Nanna, don't call me that, please.
Beer can be a very sexual drink, can't it? Mm, I'm a very sexual person, Chris.
Beer, now, munchkin.
Respect me, Nanna, yeah? I don't fetch beer.
Basically, Chris - in the code, Nanna's "Respect me," he says.
I used to wash your john-john.
Off you go! Oh, you've got bird shit on your trousers again.
No, it's not bird shit.
It's egg mayonnaise.
Oh.
OK, randy grandma.
Got it.
Let's move on.
Tell me about .
.
Lara.
Lara? Plain, dour, mousy - sort of a little dumpling, really.
Dowdy.
I'd go so far as to say, dowdy.
Well, not dowdy-dowdy, obviously.
Up close, her skin's a lot less, erm satiny.
Chris, welcome.
Aw, spunky trousers, Hamo.
It's mayonnaise! Lara, this is why you are not married.
Dirty mouth.
Men don't like that.
Chris, do you like my dirty mouth? You're not like the usual guys who work for Uncle Ara, Chris.
Me? Oh, no, I'm very usual.
Just standard, run of the mill, old school, bread and butter, Armenian tough man.
Are these wheat free? It's just that I'm gluten intolerant.
Makes me sound like some kind of wheat bigot, I'm not.
I'm rambling.
What I mean is, they're all nutters and you're more sensitive.
Not everyone is what they seem, though.
Eh, Chris? You don't think she suspects anything? What? Shit.
I dunno, she's definitely the sexiest tool in the box.
Sharpest - sharpest tool in the box.
Look at me.
What do you see? A cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom? No.
I mean, no.
God, no.
The women in this family, all they do is make babies then make stew.
I have bigger plans.
Soups, salads - don't be tied down to stews.
Good idea.
I see it all, Chris.
I learn.
I absorb everything.
Like kitchen roll that's definitely not a whore.
Sorry.
So, you're having a nice time? Yeah, it's lovely.
Well, fuck your lovely time! You've got work to do.
I'm glad you brought that up, actually, because I've been meaning to ask what sort of message Ara wanted me to send Barry? Sternly worded letter? Official warning? But, but Ara would have said that, if he meant it, wouldn't he? Oh, yes.
Of course, that is what the head of the Sarkisians does all the time.
Walks around in broad daylight talking about killing people! You wanker.
This slag has crossed us - he has to die.
You take him up to the roof.
You chuck him off.
Right.
Shit.
OK.
So, just to be clear, the message we're sending The message you are sending him is that, "We are going to throw you off a roof and watch you burst all over "the pavement like a beanbag full of offal.
" Yes.
That's quite clear.
In case.
They want me to kill him.
What the hell am I going to do? It's you or him, Chris.
And I can't afford to lose another one.
Not after Henderson.
The paperwork alone would be horrific! Is that all I am to you? Paperwork? Look, Chris, you've got two very simple choices here.
There's the set menu - the one where you fail Ara, he comes after you, finds out you're a policeman and you get Hendersoned.
I don't want to be Hendersoned.
Or, there's the a la carte menu.
The one where you accept the job, find out the location of the special place, win Ara's trust and then it's, "See you at the bravery awards, mine's a glass of cheap fizz "and that fit bird from uniform.
" Surely you're not saying I mean, I can't! Can I? You know the menus.
Now .
.
can I take your order, please, sir? You'd help me, though, wouldn't you? Resources have been allocated.
Thank God.
This is your idea of helping me? A travel card?! Chris! Chris! What? It's off peak.
You can't travel before 9:30.
Chris, Ara said we're having fireworks.
It's the middle of the day! And where is everyone? Cos the only other reason you get some twat to come up to a place like this is if you're going to What? No! No, you're shitting me! You're going to do me in? What have I done?! Oh, you know what you've done, you bloody slag.
You filthy, naughty, little slut! I don't understand why? Who would kill me? I'm a lovely bloke.
That's just who I am - a lovely bloke.
You're not a lovely bloke, OK? You're a big racist.
Don't be stupid! I bought milk off a Paki this morning.
Ah, you see? That's what I'm talking about.
What? Paki? It's not racist to say Paki.
It's short for Pakistani.
It's not racist to shorten things.
You call chip shops chippies and televisions tellies, that's not racist.
Paki is a term of racist abuse.
Well, I don't like them.
So what? They come here, they eat their own food, they speak their own language, they wear their own clothes Barry! You spend two weeks of the year in the Costa Del Sol, eating egg and chips in a pub called The Cock & Beaver, calling everybody who isn't English Juan! Oh, my God In Spain, I'm a Paki.
We're all Pakis somewhere.
Everyone in the world is a Paki! Stani! Pakist We'll come back to it.
I've been such an idiot, Chris.
All the mouth.
We're the same underneath.
It was my father that started it.
I joined in with him.
I was a fat child, Chris.
Yeah.
Don't kill me.
I'll change.
I can heal.
Let me heal! I can't stop a man from healing.
OK.
Just run, Barry.
Run! Oh, thank you! Thank you! I will never forget this.
I'm free.
Free! Get in! Shit! Barry? BARRY! Help me! Chris, for a moment I thought you were going to bail on us.
It was an accident.
Yes, Chris.
It was a terrible accident.
And you - you weren't even here.
That was some message, Chris.
But Garabed told me that Look at this guy.
Look at this guy, Garabed! You could be more like him, huh? Show some initiative.
Come here, big man.
Your blood is my blood.
Let me hold you.
Let me smell you.
You've done well.
You are ready now.
Tomorrow we go to the special place.
So, how are things? A bit messed up.
Ara found out we got the wrong man.
Luckily he took it out on Hamo.
What did he do? Sent him to work for cousin Artek in Armenia.
Think Siberian gulag but with fewer career prospects.
And what about you and Ara? Any progress on that front? Zoe a man has died! A man with a name.
Barry Pedrosian.
It was an accidental death, Chris.
Everybody knows that.
You know, they often say the immediate aftermath is the hardest part of the coping strategy.
Some officers cry, some get angry, some turn to drink.
How have you been coping? Well, I'm finding it very, very difficult, you know.
But I have to face the Sarkisians some time.
I guess tomorrow is another day.
'It's not easy.
'Just got to keep your chin up, get on with it 'and if you're lucky you might get to visit the special place.
' They want me to do a heist.
We've been ripped off! Shit! You are my bitch.
Never! I could kiss you! Jesus, he's back! Does not - doesn't love a bargain! Our little secret.
You OK, wolf man? You're a police officer, not a gangster.
Go, go, go! Go!
' 'But as an undercover cop, 'my life is all about a family of Armenian gangsters.
'Who might kill me at any moment.
' Shh! So you're Zoe? I'm Chris.
Bit like a first date this, isn't it? I like boxercise, going to book club and I make a wonderful butternut squash risotto.
What are your interests? My main one is not wasting police time.
You're late.
OK Anyway, what's the story? Why isn't Neil here? I'm your handler now, Neil's no longer with us.
Oh, Jesus, no! They've killed Neil, haven't they? In cold blood.
Those Sarkisian bastards.
You've got to get me out! Shit! Shit! No, no, no! It's his DJing.
His DJing? Yes.
Apparently that's really worked out for him, so he's moved to Ibiza.
This is a joke, isn't it? Come on out, Neil! You've got me! Snap out of it, Chris.
You've got to forget everything about the way it used to be.
Forget about being on Easy Street any more.
Just tell me what happened yesterday with the Sarkisians.
'Hamo and Garabed grabbed me.
It was horrendous.
'My decaf soya latte went everywhere.
' Two door! Is not very practical, is it, huh? 'Hamo is one of the big boss's many cousins.
'Loyal, obedient and thicker than an Armenian sujuk sausage.
' Flipping wallyhead! Out of it! Egg mayo, man.
'Garabed's a permanent fixture, Ara's right hand man.
'Switched on, suspicious and obsessed with two things - violence 'and cleanliness.
' Lovely to see you again, guys.
Where are we going? Pig is a dirty animal.
Sorry, what was that? You'll have to speak up a bit, I'm afraid.
I said, a pig is a dirty animal.
You'll still have to speak up a bit, I'm afraid.
I said, a pig is a dirty animal! Sorry, what? We'll take off the hood.
Let's lose the hood.
The hood's not working.
Take the hood off.
Right-ho.
Do you know the time when a pig squeals the most, Chris? Erm, is it during menstruation? Prior to rainfall? Erm It's when you cut its dirty, lying throat.
There is a pig in this family, Chris.
A dirty, filthy pig.
Oh, Jesus! There's no Jesus for piggies, Chris.
Someone wants to see you.
Hood.
Hood.
Put it back on? Thanks for your cooperation.
'I showed no fear.
I gave away nothing.
' I was ice cold.
Nerveless.
Please! I can explain! I can explain! Oink, oink, oink, little piggy! Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit This is the end now, Chris.
Your time is up.
Ara Sarkisian! Ara Sarkisian.
Ara Sarkisian? Ara Sarkisian.
We got you good then, didn't we? But the gun.
There was a gun.
Yeah, I know.
Good, innit? Contact with Ara Sarkisian means we're bang on schedule.
Ticking off all the boxes, one by one.
Schedule? Ticking off boxes? We're on our way up, Chris.
But to get there, we have to make some difficult decisions, don't we? Decisions that might have consequences we might not like.
You're scaring me.
They said that at the hearings too.
The hearings? Oh, shit You're DI Keller! From that whole Henderson mess.
Wasn't that much of a mess.
Where's Henderson now then? Well, he's a bit dead.
They said he was left without backup.
I'm not going to justify myself to you.
He was a good policeman.
I did my best for him and the case.
That's great - for you.
Not so great for Henderson.
Or me.
You don't get it, do you? This is my chance to make amends.
This is my big chance to To get me killed? Don't finish my sentences, Chris! Makes them untidy.
I won't tolerate untidy.
Now, tell me more about Ara.
These are the family accounts, Chris.
Some money is missing.
Little pieces here and there.
Not a lot, but it is the principle.
You need to go to my accountants and find me the pig, Chris.
Well Well, I'd be happy to.
Obviously.
But I'm just not sure that financial crime is my whole area.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I was in the top set for maths at school Brilliant! It is settled then.
You find the pig, and only then we will both go to the special place together.
You mean I'd be in the gang? I'd be a member of the family? Shh! Don't spoil it.
Yeah, shh! Is this, erm .
.
the information I think it is? Just read it.
"Ring Mum, pay council tax, buy muesli.
" Sorry, wrong note.
"30-32 Brook Street.
" Oh, my God! Is this the special place? Erm No, it's the address of Ara's accountant.
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
Still, accountants means figures, means book-keeping.
The key to the whole operation.
This could be a whole new column in my spreadsheet.
Great, cos that's what really matters.
Your spreadsheet! Don't pretend this case can't work for the both of us, Chris.
Can't you pick someone else to go on a crusade with? No, Chris! The Sarkisian brief needs an undercover cop who thinks Armenian, acts Armenian, breathes Armenian.
But I'm not Armenian.
But you had a Greek uncle.
And don't forget, you volunteered.
I know, I know.
Just not for this.
Why'd you bother? Really? I ask myself that regularly.
Obviously, there was the pay rise.
And the vain hope that there could be a little respect.
I respect you.
Hang on a minute.
What is it? Is this soya? Yes.
Because apparently it's very important to the case to remember that dairy .
.
makes you Blotchy.
'So, you and Hamo went looking for the pig yesterday? 'The accountant? Eventually.
'We were in Nando's for almost an hour.
'I think he actually ate a serviette at one point.
' I'm in charge of this one.
Sorry, what was that? I said, I'm in charge of this one.
Well, no, Ara said "with me".
With me, that's not in charge.
Don't backchat me, man! What have I told you about the code? The first rule on the code is always respect the family.
And number two about the code, is always always call me Mr Hamo! Understand me? Hamo's your first name though.
Shouldn't it be Mr Sarkisian? Don't backchat me! Mr Hamo! OK.
Thank you.
Well, look .
.
Mr Hamo That's good.
This is modern financial crime.
This isn't going to be one person.
It's going to be a whole web of people - nameless, faceless.
We're not going to just rock up and instantly pick out a nervous, sweaty accountant cowering behind a shredder with "I'm guilty" written all over his face.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
Please, I'm really sorry It was fisherman's pie.
You're Philip Hutchinson? How do you know I'm Philip Hutchinson? Who's been talking about me? I mean, that's that's if I even am him.
I might not be him.
You're wearing a name badge.
Oh, God! Oh The name badge.
I forgot the badge! I forgot And you are? Chris.
Chris.
Oh, God - Chris! From the Sarkisians, yes.
Oh, God! I mean I'm not concentrating, sorry! Erm Well, it's nice to meet you, Chris.
So you're Philip Hutchinson then? Yes.
You're not one of us, are you? Well, no.
No, you're not.
But I'm a very experienced book-keeper, and, erm I'm very honest.
And I wouldn't steal.
I mean Steal! Why would I say steal? Why would anyone use that word? Well, I'm going to make you filthy rich, my friend.
Yeah, right, see you next Tuesday.
Get in! Yes! High five! Mm Oi, oi, Philly! Argh! Oh, still haven't grown a pair.
Why are you all wet? You pissed yourself again? Well Er, this is Barry Pedrosian.
Erm, he's just joined us.
This is Chris.
Chris, pleased to meet ya.
One of the big dicks.
Better mind my fucking language, ey? Yeah, you'd better watch your fucking mouth, ain't you, eh? Brilliant.
What, this? I call it my womb broom.
Oh, yeah.
All right, Susan.
How are you doing? Wow, what a cardigan! Sparkly and everything.
You look beautiful! Wow! See her? That's a Chink.
More of a chunk, eh? A chunk! Cos she's Chinese and fat, man.
Classic, man.
I've got another one.
What do you call a Chink with one ball? I dunno, what do you call him? What went wong? What went wong?! Wong - cos, it's, it's from that region.
Yeah.
Brilliant, man.
Fair play.
Er, I've got one.
What do you call a Chinese pilot? Oh, is it, erm something about them being monkeys? You call them a pilot, you racist! Barry's ball one was better.
Yeah.
Sorry, mate.
That was shit.
It's got to be shit if Philly's laughing.
Ladyboy, there.
Mind you, he's about the best minge here.
Him and Chris.
Amazing! Look, I've just gotta go to the bathroom.
Look, I've just gotta go to the bathroom.
So, then I had a thought.
Even though it was obviously Philip, could I finger Barry as the thief? But Philip definitely stole the money.
It was a complex ethical dilemma.
Barry - the bigot - who hadn't stolen anything, but didn't laugh at my joke.
Versus Philip - the nice bloke - who'd stolen all the money, but laughed at my joke.
In the end, I just let Hamo come to his own conclusions.
He didn't need me to tell him it was Barry.
It's definitely Barry.
What? No, it's the little sweaty bloke.
It's written all over his face.
Too obvious.
Fall guy.
It's Barry.
Yeah, but the money's been going for months and Barry's only been working here for two weeks.
Oh, how very convenient.
I suppose.
It's a bit more than convenient, though.
It's not actually physically possible for him to be nicking it.
Oh, oh.
Cos the numbers say? Is that why? You're Carol Vorderman all of a sudden, are ya? You know about numbers, do ya? He's making us look like dicks out there! He's a good bloke, man.
He's got you wrapped around his little finger.
He's laughing at you.
It's just jokes.
Flippin' heck.
What's your problem? Would you suck him off? Would you? Would you suck him off? What? No, course not! He thinks you would.
He thinks he's got you.
Are we going to let him do that? Are you going to let him steal from our family? And then go around telling people that you want to suck him off? Is that what you want to do? It ain't like that.
Fuck this, man! I'm telling me uncle! 'So, you're going to go straight to Ara and finger Barry?' He's a nasty piece of work, so he deserves to be fingered.
So, even though Philip's guilty, you're going to throw Barry to the lions, just because he's a bit of a racist? So? Barry gets knocked around a bit by one of Ara's heavies.
It's no biggy.
You can't play god, Chris.
I'm not playing god.
I'm using the power of crime, which is bad, to help equality, which is good.
I'm more like Batman than god.
That sounded better in my head.
So, you're saying it is definitely Barry? I can't believe it.
The little slag! Slag! Slag! But on the upside, I found the pig like you asked, so job done.
Chris, Chris - this is just the beginning.
He's crossed our family, so now you must send him a message.
A message? Don't disappoint me, Chris.
Come, we celebrate Yeah.
Just a minute.
I've got to ring the vets.
'Hi, this is Zoe.
If it's urgent you can get me on the other number - 999.
' Zoe, I have to see you.
I think they want me to kill somebody.
It's all right, Chris.
Just calm down.
What the hell am I going to do? I can't kill a man.
Just tell me what happened.
Start at the beginning of the night.
I got ready at home.
I wore my other black top with a zip.
It's very similar to the one I'm wearing right now.
It's too far back.
Start at the party.
Tell me about the party.
'Ugh, the party.
I actually think I might be allergic to parties.
' Ah, today's a special day, Chris.
But like a good Armenian, you know this already.
Oh, yeah, course I do.
Yeah, yeah.
But maybe you should say it anyway.
Just be nice to hear you say it.
Course, for some, mixed feelings.
Yeah, of course.
Very difficult.
But not for us! No! Of course not! To the special day.
To the day we were freed from the tyranny of those dirty Russian bastards! Yes! Of course, those Russian twats.
Ara er, about that message that you want me to send Chris, there are some people I would like you to meet.
I think you could be the beginning of a beautiful bastard! Thank you.
Boom! 'So, I get to meet some of his associates.
' Amelia Chalacantic from Serbia.
'But Eastern European men are very huggy.
' Zurag Folgfads from Georgia.
'I can't get used to just how tactile they are.
'It's all so alpha male.
' Pleased to meet you.
'All I can smell is cheap aftershave and violence.
'I mean, what do you do? What's the politics of cuddling? 'Are they waiting for me to touch them back? 'Am I insulting them if I don't touch them? 'So, I think, well, maybe just a light pat or something.
'So, I reach across and, er' Who just touched my arsehole? Who just touched my arsehole?! Yeah, who? If that's appropriate for me to ask? Zurag, how could anybody have touched your arsehole? We all saw you speaking with it.
A-a-a-a-a-gh! A-a-a-a-a-gh! A-a-a-a-a-gh! This is good, Chris.
Finally, you're becoming one of the family.
Now, tell me about the Sarkisian women.
'They're like Armenian stew.
'Full of surprises.
' Hey! Chris - my mother.
Hello.
Hey, Babik.
You fat cock! Hamo, baby boy Get Chris a beer, munchkin.
Nanna, don't call me that, please.
Beer can be a very sexual drink, can't it? Mm, I'm a very sexual person, Chris.
Beer, now, munchkin.
Respect me, Nanna, yeah? I don't fetch beer.
Basically, Chris - in the code, Nanna's "Respect me," he says.
I used to wash your john-john.
Off you go! Oh, you've got bird shit on your trousers again.
No, it's not bird shit.
It's egg mayonnaise.
Oh.
OK, randy grandma.
Got it.
Let's move on.
Tell me about .
.
Lara.
Lara? Plain, dour, mousy - sort of a little dumpling, really.
Dowdy.
I'd go so far as to say, dowdy.
Well, not dowdy-dowdy, obviously.
Up close, her skin's a lot less, erm satiny.
Chris, welcome.
Aw, spunky trousers, Hamo.
It's mayonnaise! Lara, this is why you are not married.
Dirty mouth.
Men don't like that.
Chris, do you like my dirty mouth? You're not like the usual guys who work for Uncle Ara, Chris.
Me? Oh, no, I'm very usual.
Just standard, run of the mill, old school, bread and butter, Armenian tough man.
Are these wheat free? It's just that I'm gluten intolerant.
Makes me sound like some kind of wheat bigot, I'm not.
I'm rambling.
What I mean is, they're all nutters and you're more sensitive.
Not everyone is what they seem, though.
Eh, Chris? You don't think she suspects anything? What? Shit.
I dunno, she's definitely the sexiest tool in the box.
Sharpest - sharpest tool in the box.
Look at me.
What do you see? A cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom? No.
I mean, no.
God, no.
The women in this family, all they do is make babies then make stew.
I have bigger plans.
Soups, salads - don't be tied down to stews.
Good idea.
I see it all, Chris.
I learn.
I absorb everything.
Like kitchen roll that's definitely not a whore.
Sorry.
So, you're having a nice time? Yeah, it's lovely.
Well, fuck your lovely time! You've got work to do.
I'm glad you brought that up, actually, because I've been meaning to ask what sort of message Ara wanted me to send Barry? Sternly worded letter? Official warning? But, but Ara would have said that, if he meant it, wouldn't he? Oh, yes.
Of course, that is what the head of the Sarkisians does all the time.
Walks around in broad daylight talking about killing people! You wanker.
This slag has crossed us - he has to die.
You take him up to the roof.
You chuck him off.
Right.
Shit.
OK.
So, just to be clear, the message we're sending The message you are sending him is that, "We are going to throw you off a roof and watch you burst all over "the pavement like a beanbag full of offal.
" Yes.
That's quite clear.
In case.
They want me to kill him.
What the hell am I going to do? It's you or him, Chris.
And I can't afford to lose another one.
Not after Henderson.
The paperwork alone would be horrific! Is that all I am to you? Paperwork? Look, Chris, you've got two very simple choices here.
There's the set menu - the one where you fail Ara, he comes after you, finds out you're a policeman and you get Hendersoned.
I don't want to be Hendersoned.
Or, there's the a la carte menu.
The one where you accept the job, find out the location of the special place, win Ara's trust and then it's, "See you at the bravery awards, mine's a glass of cheap fizz "and that fit bird from uniform.
" Surely you're not saying I mean, I can't! Can I? You know the menus.
Now .
.
can I take your order, please, sir? You'd help me, though, wouldn't you? Resources have been allocated.
Thank God.
This is your idea of helping me? A travel card?! Chris! Chris! What? It's off peak.
You can't travel before 9:30.
Chris, Ara said we're having fireworks.
It's the middle of the day! And where is everyone? Cos the only other reason you get some twat to come up to a place like this is if you're going to What? No! No, you're shitting me! You're going to do me in? What have I done?! Oh, you know what you've done, you bloody slag.
You filthy, naughty, little slut! I don't understand why? Who would kill me? I'm a lovely bloke.
That's just who I am - a lovely bloke.
You're not a lovely bloke, OK? You're a big racist.
Don't be stupid! I bought milk off a Paki this morning.
Ah, you see? That's what I'm talking about.
What? Paki? It's not racist to say Paki.
It's short for Pakistani.
It's not racist to shorten things.
You call chip shops chippies and televisions tellies, that's not racist.
Paki is a term of racist abuse.
Well, I don't like them.
So what? They come here, they eat their own food, they speak their own language, they wear their own clothes Barry! You spend two weeks of the year in the Costa Del Sol, eating egg and chips in a pub called The Cock & Beaver, calling everybody who isn't English Juan! Oh, my God In Spain, I'm a Paki.
We're all Pakis somewhere.
Everyone in the world is a Paki! Stani! Pakist We'll come back to it.
I've been such an idiot, Chris.
All the mouth.
We're the same underneath.
It was my father that started it.
I joined in with him.
I was a fat child, Chris.
Yeah.
Don't kill me.
I'll change.
I can heal.
Let me heal! I can't stop a man from healing.
OK.
Just run, Barry.
Run! Oh, thank you! Thank you! I will never forget this.
I'm free.
Free! Get in! Shit! Barry? BARRY! Help me! Chris, for a moment I thought you were going to bail on us.
It was an accident.
Yes, Chris.
It was a terrible accident.
And you - you weren't even here.
That was some message, Chris.
But Garabed told me that Look at this guy.
Look at this guy, Garabed! You could be more like him, huh? Show some initiative.
Come here, big man.
Your blood is my blood.
Let me hold you.
Let me smell you.
You've done well.
You are ready now.
Tomorrow we go to the special place.
So, how are things? A bit messed up.
Ara found out we got the wrong man.
Luckily he took it out on Hamo.
What did he do? Sent him to work for cousin Artek in Armenia.
Think Siberian gulag but with fewer career prospects.
And what about you and Ara? Any progress on that front? Zoe a man has died! A man with a name.
Barry Pedrosian.
It was an accidental death, Chris.
Everybody knows that.
You know, they often say the immediate aftermath is the hardest part of the coping strategy.
Some officers cry, some get angry, some turn to drink.
How have you been coping? Well, I'm finding it very, very difficult, you know.
But I have to face the Sarkisians some time.
I guess tomorrow is another day.
'It's not easy.
'Just got to keep your chin up, get on with it 'and if you're lucky you might get to visit the special place.
' They want me to do a heist.
We've been ripped off! Shit! You are my bitch.
Never! I could kiss you! Jesus, he's back! Does not - doesn't love a bargain! Our little secret.
You OK, wolf man? You're a police officer, not a gangster.
Go, go, go! Go!