United States of Al (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1 It's here! It's here! It's here! Everyone, gather! It's here! - Hey, it's here! What is it? - Not yet.
Everyone has to gather first.
- Dad! - RILEY: What is it? We don't know, but we're hoping it's a present for me! My mother made these and gave them to my cousin Mirwais, who was flying from Kabul to Vancouver.
And he gave it to my other cousin Mirwais, who was visiting from Seattle we call him "American Mirwais" and then he shipped it to me after he drove back home.
Hope you're paying attention.
There'll be a quiz later.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is homemade roht.
Which is? Aw, it's like sweet bread.
I love your mom's roht.
It is made from fresh wheat, our own chicken's eggs, sugar and what you call organic butter.
But I just call butter.
Aw.
Mm-mm.
No.
Give it back.
Give it back.
- Something has gone wrong with it.
- [KNOCKS.]
Yeah, that's not right.
Maybe if we dip it in tea.
No.
I want your first time to be special.
That's what Bobby Finnigan said on prom night.
Hello, I'm your father.
It must have gone bad during its travels.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- Aw, it's okay.
Seriously, I'm your father.
Oh! Hi.
Do you guys make a kind of bread called roht? Roht.
"R " Roht maybe an "O.
" Well, it's not "R-H-O-T" 'cause I googled that, and all I got was Real Housewives - of Toronto.
- [SIGHS.]
And then I kinda went down a rabbit hole.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, thanks anyway.
No, it's not the same as bagels.
- Aha.
- What is that thing? Well, that's Grampy's magical book from the past.
It's a phonebook, Hazel, and it's still perfectly useful.
Yeah, it lets you call any business you want from 2009.
Make fun of me, but I just found a falafel place by the airport.
All right, falafel isn't Afghan food.
Yeah, but it's basically the same, right? Dad, would you tell someone from Kansas City that Memphis barbecue is basically the same? I'll keep looking.
Found one.
Kasim's Kabobs.
They have roht? Yeah, it's right here on the menu.
Oh, so that's how you spell it.
Awesome.
Where is this place? Just outside Cleveland.
That explains it.
This is just within ten miles.
Cleveland? Is Al gonna want to drive that far just for some roht? We can make it a real "roht" trip.
[LAUGHS.]
Nothing but net! [MAKES SWISHING SOUND.]
I'm starving.
When are we gonna get there? Well, the way Grandma's driving, tomorrow.
Can we stop and get a snack? Why would we do that? Do you watch a movie on the way to a movie? Usually.
I think I have some almonds in my purse.
Nobody is eating in my new car.
No purse nuts for anyone.
Just let me drive, man.
I'll get us there in 90 minutes.
90 minutes? Ugh, I'm gonna die.
Hazel, when I was your age, I would fast for the whole day during Ramadan.
Yeah, yeah, and you used to have to get up to change the channel.
That's basically why I had kids.
They're the original remote control.
Aw, hey, give me some.
I need them.
I'm still growing.
I worked out this morning.
And whose fault is that? Nobody better be eating back there.
Just give me one.
Oh, real mature.
- You know what? I'm telling.
- Telling who? Who in this car do you think I'm afraid of? [SIGHS.]
You got enough leg room back there? - Nope.
- I do.
Do they have pizza here? No.
And do not ask for it.
Ugh.
Hello.
Welcome.
How many? Five, please.
Right this way.
You have a beautiful restaurant, Mashallah.
Oh, thank you.
Can I get you some water? - Hey, guys.
- Yeah? Oh, nice.
Upgrade.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Well, that escalated quickly.
You might be out a roommate.
These are my friends, Mr.
Dugan, his daughter Lizzie, his son Riley and his granddaughter Hazel.
Welcome.
My name is Kasim.
What is your father's name? - What part of Kabul are you from? - Oh - [AL CHATTERING.]
- He's staying.
All right.
[CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Does he know I like pizza? Expand your horizons.
I'm open to Afghan pizza.
Hey, this isn't gonna be spicy, is it? Dad, relax.
I'm just saying, it's a three-hour ride home and you're the ones in the car with me.
Wow, that was delicious.
I couldn't eat another bite.
Then again, I'm not a quitter.
Please, how much do we owe you for this wonderful meal? No, no.
You are my guest.
- No, I insist.
- Oh, baba, don't insult me.
I swear I will not take your money.
Take it or I'll never come back here.
What? Wait, no! Don't say that.
Please, I insist.
I swore, you will make me a sinner if you pay.
Is this normal? Yeah.
Think of it as dinner and a show.
Oh, I want to introduce you to my daughter Ariana, bacheem.
Come here.
Meet Awalmir and his friends.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Awalmir has just arrived from Kabul.
Really? He already has three jobs.
Can you believe it? Overachiever, eh? So how do you like America? Mm, b-better now that I found your father's restaurant.
Um, his sabzi is as good as my mother's.
But don't tell my mother that.
Mine is even better, but don't tell my father that.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Buro gumsho.
Get out of here.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Awalmir.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, my God, somebody better grab his ankle.
He's gonna float away.
[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS.]
Really? No one's gonna talk about it? Talk about what? - Your new girlfriend.
- [LAUGHS.]
She's not my girlfriend.
Oh, sorry.
Fiancée.
[LAUGHS.]
- Can I be your best man? - [CHUCKLES.]
You're not even the best man in this car.
She's a very nice woman from a very nice family with a very nice restaurant.
That's it.
Al and that lady sitting in a tree T-A-L-K-I-N-G.
Do you people honestly believe the first beautiful Afghan woman I meet in America, - I'm going to marry? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Of course.
I don't even know if she likes me.
She likes you.
Who doesn't like you? - She's single.
- Really? How do you know this? I don't.
I just wanted to see what you would do.
[ART CHUCKLES.]
I don't think she was wearing a ring.
Was she wearing a ring? - He does love her.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, you got it bad.
You gonna ask her out? - I don't know.
- Why not? She's from an Afghan family, but she was born here.
Does she date the American way or the Afghan way? Well, what's the difference? Back home, I would watch her from afar for a few days until I caught her eye, and then for a few weeks, I would try to exchange signals with her and then find a kid and send them to get her number.
Like you do.
And then I would talk to her on the phone for about six months, mostly after midnight when the men of her family are asleep.
And on Fridays, I would fly a white kite that says "I love you" over her house.
Fridays? It's kite flying day.
Ah, of course.
And then, once I earned her trust, ah I would invite her to meet me in a park or restaurant, and if the police approach and ask me how I'm related to her, I would tell 'em we are cousins.
It is so simple.
Or you can just ask her out.
No.
As you can see, this mountain is too tall to climb.
[SIGHS.]
I will cherish the memories of her and stop doing these exercises.
I have no new muscles and my arms hurt.
How about this? I'll ask her out, and if she's offended, we'll know she's traditional.
Now, the risk is she says yes and falls in love with me.
But that's a fun story for you to tell at our wedding.
The only reason you still have your teeth is I can't lift my arms.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Mr.
Three Jobs.
How'd you get time off to come here? I was just in the neighborhood and thought I should stop by and pay my respects to your honorable father.
Oh, you were in the neighborhood, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Where were you going? Just visiting some Afghan friends.
Who? You don't know them.
How do you know? Well, tell your father I said hi.
I'm just teasing you.
Uh, sit down.
Please, let me get you some tea.
Thank you.
So my father tells me you're from Kabul.
Well, I was born in Kandahar, but my family moved to Kabul.
So the people in Kabul call us Kandaharis and the people in Kandahar call us Kabulis.
I get that.
I was born here.
So, the people in America think I'm Afghan, but if I ever go to Afghanistan, - people are gonna say I am American.
- Ah.
You have never been? You must visit.
It is a beautiful country.
Did you ever get to see the Buddhas of Bamiyan? No.
I was a boy when the Taliban destroyed them, but the valley they were in it is one of the most beautiful places on Earth.
There are these colorful mountains all around the city, blue, black, orange, white.
It is the only place where I've felt peace in every cell in my body.
Do you have a fourth job as a poet? Do you have a second job as a muse? I really want to go as soon as I finish grad school.
Let me guess.
You're planning on becoming an engineer? Nope.
- Doctor? - Too squeamish.
Well, all that's left is lawyer.
Double major in disappointing my parents with a minor in "What will people think?" [LAUGHS.]
I'm actually working on my MBA.
I want to take the principles of microfinance and apply them to scholarships for Afghan women.
So they can become doctors and lawyers.
Mm, now I know why your father still talks to you.
My brother's a puppeteer, - so that helps a lot.
- Mm.
But I want to hear more about Afghanistan.
How much time do you have? How much roht do you have? And next is my sister Hassina.
So smart.
She's working with this vaccination program, but I keep telling her she could be a doctor.
I think your sister should be whatever she wants to be.
- Oh, she is going to love you.
- [LAUGHS.]
So what do you do? I work in construction.
Show me your hands.
I just started.
When, yesterday? I'm more of a boss.
"Move that, pick that up," that sort of thing.
Sounds like an Afghan man.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
So did you do construction back home? No, I was an interpreter with the U.
S.
Marine Corps.
- You were what? - Yes, for eight years.
Well, you enjoy your tea.
Ariana, what's wrong? What did I say? Nothing.
Congratulations on selling out our country.
Please don't accuse me of something and walk away.
How could you help a foreign invader? Who would you prefer I helped? The Taliban who bomb crowded markets? Of course not.
Then maybe the warlords sitting comfortably in the government, sucking people's blood? Why would you help any of them? The Americans tortured Afghans, raided people's homes, shot innocent farmers.
I'm not condoning that.
Almost every monster that Afghanistan faces the American government created.
They backed bin Laden, the Taliban, the warlords, and now they're handing the country back to the Taliban and walking away.
Thank you for the history lesson you learned from a book.
I was there.
Our house was destroyed not once, not twice, but three times.
And that's awful, but you made a choice to help them.
Yes, Afghanistan is truly the land of choices.
But you will find that out when you go over there and fix everything.
Okay, I need to get back to work.
The lunch rush is coming in soon.
Well, let me pay you for the tea and roht.
It's on the house.
[SOMBER AFGHAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE.]
You guys can hear that, right? Al's sad.
Girl at the restaurant turned him down.
So this music is like Afghan Adele.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Adele.
You guys and your old-timey music.
Doesn't feel so great, does it? [SOMBER AFGHAN MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Hey, Champ.
You good? Champ? Can we get you anything? More sparkling cider.
I think you've had enough, buddy.
I'm just gonna turn this down a little so we can talk.
[TURNS DOWN MUSIC.]
There, that's nice.
Look, man, I know you're hurting, but she's one girl, okay? You got to get back out there.
Why? You've been out there for months, and all you have to show for it is a mysterious rash.
It's a detergent sensitivity.
What I'm saying is it's a numbers game.
Even you don't believe that, Riley.
The love of your life is gone, and you chase a mirage every night.
It is a fool's errand.
Okay, I'm tagging out.
You're up.
I will never look at another woman ever again.
You realize you just said that to me, right? You are Riley's sister.
You're not a woman.
Well, then I am wearing the wrong underwear.
[SIGHS.]
What is life except sorrow? [GROANS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Al, you are one of the smartest, kindest, funniest Handsomest.
handsomest guys I've ever met.
I can't understand why Ariana wouldn't like you.
It's because I was an interpreter.
Oh, she's one of those.
I don't get it.
Isn't being an interpreter a good thing? Not everybody feels that way.
Everybody that wasn't over there has an opinion, don't they? If she doesn't appreciate what you did, she doesn't deserve you.
Don't say that.
It is not so simple.
- It is that simple.
- No, it is not.
Sometimes life is just complicated and sad.
Both of you know that.
[TURNS UP SOMBER AFGHAN MUSIC.]
You're back.
Yes.
You're not gonna win me over.
I'm not here for that.
You need to hear me out.
I lived through three regime changes.
My whole life, all I knew was war.
So when the Americans came, we hoped things would be better.
I remember people blasting music at full volume.
And I know that that sounds small, but under the Taliban, we weren't even allowed to listen to music.
We danced in the streets.
There was so much hope.
And, no it didn't last.
But some of us thought that if we joined as interpreters, we would be able to help the Americans be more effective.
Or less destructive.
Was I naive? I was 17.
Did things improve the way I hoped? Not even close.
But people like me and my family back home now deal with the consequences of that more than anyone else.
And I am not ashamed of what I did.
Not for a second.
Ariana jaan you and I are both just trying to help our country the best way we know how, and I hope one day you'll see that.
For the tea and roht.
[SOMBER AFGHAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[ROAD RUNNER CARTOON PLAYING OVER TV.]
[LAUGHS.]
Right? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, that was hilarious.
I don't think so.
Well, maybe you don't get it.
Oh, I get it.
The coyote is doomed to repeat his mistakes.
As are we all, Hazel.
As are we all.
Dude, you're wrecking this for me.