United States of Al (2021) s02e21 Episode Script


Previously on United States of Al How do you keep getting out of work in the middle of the day? I mix up the excuses.
Today I'm at the dentist, which I can sell 'cause my jaw is a little sore.
I slept with someone.
- Who? - It doesn't matter.
It was Sourpuss Barbie, wasn't it? I have never been with a woman.
Oh, I have.
You should try it.
It's great.
I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level.
Oh, Al! My baby bird is jumping out of the nest.
Bad kid! Bad kid! I know it's none of my business.
If he ever messes up, I'll straighten him out, I promise.
Professor, hi.
You wanted to see me? Yes, I was going over the class research papers, and yours was of concern.
I didn't hand anything in.
That's my concern.
That paper was 20% of your grade.
Okay, well, I have a very good excuse.
I have a beautiful girlfriend, and she keeps taking her clothes off.
You really don't signal before you turn, do you? But since you're dating my best friend's sister, I shouldn't be worried, right? You should be worried.
The subject of my email was, "You should be worried.
" You do understand that up until very recently, I was a virgin.
Pure as the driven snow.
But now, as you can see, I'm a stud.
Yeah, I get it.
The oxytocin and dopamine released during sex can be as powerful as narcotics.
Especially the way Cindy does it.
There's a famous experiment on mice where they kept pushing a button that stimulated the same pleasure centers of the brain where the orgasm is located.
Good for them.
They kept hitting the button until they died.
How many times did they hit it? I'll do one less.
Karimi, if you do not ace the final exam, you will fail this class.
What are you smiling at? It's a video from Cindy.
She's dancing naked in her bathroom.
Well, I can't show you.
That is correct.
What's good here? The prices.
How's the food? The prices are good.
Where's Al? Cindy's.
He practically lives there now.
Aw, I'm glad the kid's having fun.
Too much fun.
Brett says he's bombing out of class.
Seriously? Ooh, that's not good.
- Hey, Holly.
- Hey, Art.
You're looking well.
We met at the Christmas party.
Lizzie, love the hair.
- Hi.
- No.
Uh, beers all around, please.
Coming up.
If I order food, will you take a bite of it first? I'm worried about Al.
When my son got his first girlfriend, he almost flunked out of high school.
I had to take his phone and car away.
- Did it work? - He's a very successful Jet Ski salesman, so I don't know how to answer that.
Well, we got to do something.
I promised his mom I'd keep him on the straight and narrow.
I screw up a kid for the third time, it's definitely my fault.
No offense? No offense, what? Here you go.
Hey, if she spit in it, so what? She's had her tongue in your mouth.
Good morning, Hazel.
Turn around and leave.
Why? - You're in trouble.
- For what? Al, could you please come in the kitchen? It's not too late.
Nobody listens to me.
Uh, everything okay? Sit down.
Here? There's good.
Lizzie? Thank you.
Brett says you're close to flunking out.
He is such a gossip.
Al It's no big deal.
Art, I have my final exam coming up.
All I need is to study for a few days.
Start right now.
I can't.
I have to get some sleep.
Why? Because I haven't been getting a lot of sleep.
Al, I made a promise to your mother, so I need you to buckle down.
Thank you so much for being concerned about me.
I-I will focus more attention to my studies.
Yeah, just to be safe, why don't we agree that you're not gonna see your girlfriend until after you pass your exam? I don't think that's necessary.
I'll just call your mom.
Oh, please don't do that.
What time is it in Kabul? - Almost midnight.
- She stay up late? Oh, she's a night owl.
No, no, please, please, d-don't call my mother.
I'll study, I'll study! Extortion Never goes out of style.
Women are crazy, right? Keep talking, then I'll weigh in.
My ex-wife wants to hook up tonight at a motel.
So? So, we're divorced I think.
I mean, she's sleeping with me, she's living with another guy.
It's crazy.
My granddaughter says "cray cray.
" Adorable.
I'm sorry.
Are you with me here, or am I talking to myself? You're acting like you have no say in this.
She tells you to show up at the Motel 6 and have sex with her, and you just go.
Well, they put up the Bat-Signal, Batman can't not show up.
I'm not sure what you're doing counts as a public service.
If all she wants is meaningless sex, why pick me? Look, I'm not concerned about Vanessa.
I'm your therapist.
I want to know why you are doing something that's stressing you out.
'Cause she's super hot.
No, that's not it.
I mean, you go to a boat show, you can't throw a rock, you don't hit a ten.
Why are you doing this? 'Cause I'm dumb.
Peel another layer off that onion, son.
'Cause I keep thinking we'll get back together? Thank you.
What's the test about? Uh, everything we learned this year.
Why do they got to do that? It's like they don't trust you.
Can I give you a tip? I am all ears.
Sit near someone smart.
Are you suggesting I cheat? Of course not.
Aah, this is impossible.
How am I supposed to concentrate when everything I read makes me think of Cindy? Basal ganglia? Cindy's favorite herb is basil.
Corpus callosum? Cindy's grandmother lives in Corpus Christi.
Frontal lobes? Never mind.
Sweetheart, take a hike.
- Ah.
- Not you.
Do you have some homework you can do? I can find some.
First of all, I want you to know I'm proud of you.
You're showing a lot of discipline.
You think? Trust me, I know.
Sex can be like an addiction.
It's tough to quit even when you know you should.
But you got to stay strong.
Ah, thank you, Riley Jaan.
Your words have inspired me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Vanessa just put up the Bat-Signal.
What happened to staying strong? It's too late for me.
Save yourself.
I'll just close this.
So, I just reached out to Professor Brett, and if I meet him at his office, he's gonna help me study.
What a guy.
- Right now? - Right now.
Oh, that's weird.
I'm, uh, about to go and have dinner with him.
- Really? - Really.
Get back in there.
I am going through dopamine withdrawal.
And that is not an excuse.
That is actual psychology.
- Is it now? Yes! - My brain has become dependent on a certain level of gratification.
When you think about it, having sex with Cindy is just hands-on learning.
What time is it in Kabul? I'm going! What are you doing out here? Someone could see you.
- Can we talk? - Yeah, let's go inside.
No, I won't be able to say what I got to say.
There's a bed in there.
What is it? I just feel like this is messing with my head, my basal ganglia.
- What? - It's a part of the brain.
I've been helping Al study.
I feel weird sneaking around like this.
What else are we gonna do? I don't know.
Not this.
Don't you want more? Riley, this is all I've got right now.
Then I think I'm done.
That's it? You're done with me? No, I'm done with this.
Sounds like you've made up your mind.
I have.
Well the room's already paid for, so, I'm gonna go take a shower.
Oh! Damn it! Whoa! Hey, buddy.
Appreciate you taking out the garbage.
Um, what's happening to my car? You've been working so hard, I thought I'd do you a favor and rotate your tires.
That wasn't necessary.
Oh, stop.
You deserve it.
It's not like you're going anywhere.
Which is a shame because you look snappy.
Isn't part of rotating the tires putting them back on? Yeah.
Don't bother looking for 'em, though.
Why not? 'Cause I also took out your battery.
It's a nice surprise, you showing up.
It's been a weird couple of days around here.
Yeah, it wasn't my idea.
Riley sent me a text saying you needed some girlfriend time.
Well, that was thoughtful of him.
I wonder if he needs money.
Where's Al? He's in the garage studying.
No, he's not.
I thought you were watching him.
I thought you were watching him.
He must've snuck out while you were out here having pizza with Lois.
Hey, you're the one who invited me.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Look at this text.
"You are the only river that can quench my father's thirst for love and affection.
" That sound like me? Damn it! We got played.
What do you want to bet he's at Cindy's? Let's go get him.
- Ooh, can I come? - Might get ugly.
That's why I'm asking.
Come on.
This is exciting.
You think we'll get to break a door down? Maybe.
Well, fingers crossed.
So, where does this Cindy live? No idea.
- Well, then where are we going? - The VFW.
Holly knows the address.
Isn't that the girl you cheated on? Thanks, Dad.
It's good stuff.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Back for more spit? I, um I need Cindy's address.
Why? You gonna sleep with her, too? Al's there, and I got to rescue him.
From what? He's gonna flunk out of school if he doesn't get his act together.
What does Cindy have to do with it? She's, uh well, I don't know how to say it She's distracting his brains out? Yeah.
That's Cindy.
Tell you what.
I'll give you the address if you answer one question.
When you were sleeping with me, were you still in love with her? Yes.
Thank you.
So what do we do if he won't come with us? All we can do is talk to him like an adult.
- And if that doesn't work? - You get his arms, I'll get his legs.
What do I get? I don't know.
You open doors.
Well, this is a surprise.
- Is Al here? - Yeah, he's in the bedroom.
So, between the three of you, nobody has a phone? Your friend Riley is here, and I think he brought two cops with him.
What? They're undercover, but I can tell.
This is about my final exam.
He wants me to go home and study.
You would tell me if you were 15 years old, right? Do me a favor.
Say I went out the window and climbed down the wall like Spider-man.
Boy, can I pick 'em.
He just smiled at me.
Dad, can fish smile? Sure.
I'm sorry, but Al is indisposed.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry.
I can't take "no" for an answer.
Well, it's the only answer I got, cop.
Now get out of my apartment! Just let me talk to him.
Unless we're done talking.
Easy, girl.
I told him you were here.
He doesn't want to see you.
End of story.
You win, Al! We're leaving! You want to flunk out of school, your call.
Come on.
I was ready to rumble.
I know.
- I really like your fish.
- Out! - Huh? - They're gone.
Thank you.
Now where were we? Are you really gonna flunk out? Doesn't matter.
When you're in my arms, the rest of the world doesn't exist.
Oh, that is so lovely.
Now put your pants on and go home.
What is happening? Not gonna let you throw away your education.
This here, right now, is my education.
No, I'm cutting you off until you pass that exam.
You're bluffing.
You want me as much as I want you.
Not bluffing.
What? I was just thinking about the first time you and me hooked up.
The night of the homecoming dance? No, it was earlier than that, in the car.
I don't count that one.
How can you not count it? Really? You don't remember apologizing? Don't blame yourself.
It was our first time.
It was your first time, right? Yeah, of course it was You rat bastard.
What do you want from me? I lettered in three sports, I was super popular.
Oh, my gosh.
You have never been more beautiful.
There's something I need to tell you.
What? God.
Um there's no good way to say this.
Say what? Freddy asked me to marry him.
You said "no," right? Right? Professor, do you have a moment? Mr.
Karimi, what can I do for you outside of office hours? I just wanted to tell you I felt really good about the exam.
- Oh, I'm happy for you.
- Yes.
I felt really good.
All righty.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
Uh, have you graded them yet? - What do you think? - Oh, sure, sure.
So, uh when? I don't know.
A couple days, a week.
A week, as in seven days? What are you worried about? You studied, right? - Like my life depended on it.
- Then I'm sure you did fine.
Yes, I-I know I did fine.
- But I need proof.
- Why? Well, uh, since you ask, um, my mother is very concerned about my grades.
Tell her not to be.
You're a very smart young man.
Mm, as are you.
But all this time we're talking, you-you could be grading my exam.
All right, Mr.
Karimi, what's really going on here? - My mother - Mr.
Karimi! My girlfriend won't have sex with me unless I pass this course! Why didn't you just lead with that? Yeah.
All right, let's see what we have here.
You know, the promise of sex is the driving force in a lot of human behavior.
Dial down the chitchat.
Just grade the exam.
Yeah, go ahead.

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