United States of Tara s01e01 Episode Script


This is Tara, obviously.
It's Thursday, the 12th.
Looks like I've got about four minutes, or so So I just want to explain where I'm at right now, while I'm still lucid.
See, I'm under a lot of pressure lately.
I've been hired by the mayor's wife to do this for her unborn son.
She wants a gold diaper genie and a giant wall fresco depicting herself as a pregnant saint.
This is what I do! I I create opulent environments for women who hemorrhage money.
And I'm good at it, too.
I rule.
I've I've no problem keepin'track of a million things for my clients, but unfortunately, I can't seem to micromanage my daughter's vagina.
See this? It's a prescription for morning-after pills.
As in The morning after a skanky, sweaty, teen sex.
I found this in Kate's bagpack, last night.
A part of me wants to play hip mom and just applaude my daughter for being responsible.
And the other part of me just wants to saw her up.
I mean Kate's always been a very affectionate kid, very huggy, got a lot of Valentines in grade school Maybe I should have seen this comin'.
I just I can't deal with this right now.
I'm sorry.
browncoat, lafeelicita, pouhiou, valpi grischka, salomon Seriessub.
com Is anybody home? Marshall? Stunning cleaning lady? Mommy? Hi, sex robot.
I miss you too.
Shit, I gotta go.
I just do.
Mom briefs.
, who let you out! Dude, I've been digging around in your closet for an hour - and I can't fucking get to naughty ya.
- Nice well tail.
- You wish you had all this.
- So, what's the deal, T.
? Why are you here, instead of mom? Your mom is in a bad place mentally.
- Is it my fault? - Kinda.
Remember those kill pills I helped you get at the free clinic? Your mom found the evidence and she's tweaked.
How did she found out? She went all CSI in that pubic bag that you call a bagpack.
Mom violated the monkey.
That bitch.
Total bitch! Are those my new skinny jeans? Don't they make my ass look fine? Fine for forty.
You know how much it blows being fifteen, and stuck in this ancient body? Look, I have a muffin top.
It must suck.
You suck.
Your clothes suck.
Let's go downtown.
Buy a bunch of new stuff.
We don't have any money.
Well, I raided Tara's wallet, we're fully laminated, baby.
! This is why I love you the best out of all the alters! Drugs, not hugs.
I love that gloss on you.
Makes you look porno.
Really? Bring with.
You have to drive, 'cause I smoked two fatty.
Hey Marshall.
What's up, rocker? - Mom! - No.
Mom keeps her ass crack in.
Check, it's T.
I can see that now.
Jellow pudding isn't for the children.
Bitch, the vanilla ones are mine! Hey Marshall! You wanna go downtown? We gonna buy cheap hot clothes and make us look insecure.
I have to write a paper on George Cukor for Intro to Films.
Pudding is good ding.
, could we please go before Dad gets home and ruins our lives.
Too late, girls.
Here comes the maxi-fat now! With a bucket of fried dough.
You're back.
- Fuckin'A.
- "Fuckin'A.
" That's more respect than I've gotten all day.
That subcontract was a real shit-head.
Oops I'm a vegetarian now, Max.
I don't eat meat.
Besides, the hormones in that clock-cock can make you get a third nipple.
- Really? - It's true, you guys.
I go to MySpace blowin'about it.
Dah! Double D.
You can have my coleslaw, T.
Hey, don't cover her.
If she's gonna eat with us, she's gotta cooperate.
Remember, we talked about this.
So Dad, I got the lead in the recital tomorrow.
What happened to Darcy? All she ate was bananas and gums for like 2 months.
So they sent her to St Marks, they put a tube in her stomach.
- That's hilarious.
- I know.
It's very sad, actually.
Cougar crossin'! Hey, aunt Charmaine.
Charmaine, what we forget? Tara and I were supposed to go a Pampered Chef party tonight in Shawny.
But something tells me that my sister isn't home tonight.
My god! You're so smart! I can't believe you never finished massage school.
Who is this? I can't remember what this one is called.
That's T.
, like the letter, not the hot beverage.
You only met me like a million times old letter T.
OK! You know what? I obviously walked in the middle of a family crisis, so I will just check in later.
That's not a crisis.
We like it when T.
comes around.
Max, can I talk to you for a minute? In private.
You better go! Give it to her, Maxi.
I hate her.
Jesus! Don't worry about it.
I'll get Marshall to go with you.
I think he needs a new 88 carrier.
Max, it's not about that, it's about her.
I mean, it's really hard for me to see my sister like that.
I never thought she would still be this way.
- She's really not doing that bad.
- Why can't she just stop? I mean, it's not even a real disease, Max.
It's real, Charmy.
You grew up with her.
You know better than anybody.
Look, nobody's trying to imply that you don't have a right to be angry, you do.
We're all angry at the crazy.
But I've been living with this for 17 years.
Married to it.
You just take it to Pampered Chef parties.
I know.
You're right.
I'm sorry you have to live this way, honey.
You really deserve so much better.
No, I don't.
Nice boner.
I don't have one.
You wanna paint my toenails? We could have a "Lolita" moment.
- You read the book? - I saw the movie.
Marshall thought I'd like it.
I liked the first part, then it was like How long are you staying with us this time, T.
? Are you trying to get rid of me already? God I hardly ever get to come out anymore.
You come out as much as the other alters.
That's not true! Alice gets way more air time.
You like her better caus' she bakes.
I'm pretty sure I like you the best.
What? I know you love me.
Doesn't feel right, sorry.
Why? This is your wife's body.
Just cause I'm not her doesn't mean we can't hook up.
We know from experience Tara wouldn't like that.
Sure she would.
Physically, she needs it.
You know, just the other day, she bought a shade of blush called orgasm.
OK, no offense, you gotta go to the shed now.
Not trying to hear that! Let's go.
I hate you for not fucking me.
Wear a coat, it's chilly.
Where are you going? Madison's house.
We have a civics project due tomorrow.
It's 9:00.
Are you kidding me? Are you being my strict daddy now? You're gonna take me to one of these purity bals? One hour.
No negociating.
- Where did T.
go? - She went out to the shed.
Oh, shed fit.
You know she's not gonna come back.
She shouldn't been out in the first place.
I know what mom found in your purse, so I'm not real thrilled with you.
I'm sorry.
I guess I should have let that fertilized egg implant itself in my uterus.
Do you hear yourself sometimes? Shut it.
All right? You know that bad surprises are a trigger for her.
Everything is a trigger lately.
Why can't mom just be maniac-depressive like all the other moms? You can't expect me to be the perfect child all the time cause mom acts like a bunch of different people when she's stressed out.
She's not acting, Katie.
- Aunt Charmaine says she is.
- Aunt Charmaine is a hose beast.
I just saw T.
going out to the shed.
- Is she gonna have a shed fit? - I don't know.
Well, I don't want the neighbors to know either.
So brace yourselves with Thelonius Monk.
Why do you do that? So they can't hear her.
Or judge her.
Welcome back.
You're late.
You're looking very quiet tonight, Katie-chan.
That means "cute", right? So Why didn't you text me back, earlier? It was kinda freaky at my house.
You know I told you that my mom has like multiple personalities and shit? When she transitioned like one of her alters, like one of the personalities, is our age.
So your mom actually goes around actin' like she's a teenager? No, she don't actually go around because Actually, she's pretty lazy.
But she's not always T.
Sometimes she's others.
That is so messed up! Well, your mom has implants.
What does that have to do with anything? - Because they're slutty! - Babe, she got them for her! Anyway.
I am just happy that my mom's off meds.
- You know what? Whatever! Just Don't ignore another text from me again.
Okay? Texting is how I show my love.
I won't.
Hey, Marshmallow.
Hey, mum.
I'm sorry about tonight.
It's pretty wacky, huh? It was no big woop.
How was she? T.
, I mean.
She wasn't that bad.
I mean, she was only here for a couple of hours.
Do you know she's a vegetarian now? Am I high? Maybe a little.
Listen, I I wanna thank you for being such a strong, supportive kid.
I'm really lucky.
We're lucky, Mum.
I mean, because of you, we get to be interesting.
You like being interesting? I love it.
I think I have the munchies.
You want anything from the kitchen? No, thanks.
I have chai, so Nite nite, Marsh.
Hey, babe.
The History Channel.
Yeah, a hostage crisis who never gets old.
- Did you talk to Kate? - She's fine.
That's good.
Hang on.
I'm still getting used to my legs.
It's just T.
was a little feist tonight.
Now you're all hot and bothered.
You didn't do anything, did you? Does it look like I did anything? Your lips taste like that porno stuff she wears.
Honey, we made out a little bit.
Don't get mad.
am I supposed to do? She looks just like you.
Not exactly, right? I mean she dresses like a whore.
Like a whora, sweety.
The kids come hose.
I could be a whore.
I could be a very plausible whore.
No, you don't you don't have to whore it up just for me.
Yes, I do.
I definitely do.
Somebody forgot their pants.
I prefer to think of it as remembering my ass You look fucking cheap.
Thanks, Max.
Honey, it's me Tara.
Look, I'm just dropping off Kate's costume.
That was made for that anorexia girl.
So I had to led out the seams.
Anyway I'm gonna be home around 6.
And then we'll all head over to the the recital together.
Kate! I did not raise you to let boys who wear a pig tails push you around.
- These are samourai knots! - Mum, we're having a dialog about our relationship, Okay? We're fine.
We? Honey, this powerpuff boy does not worth a collective pronoun.
We are managing .
Is that the bitch character or something, Kate? - Make her turn it off.
- Ben Everyone's staring at me.
Everyone's always staring at me.
Hey, bitch.
Are you still baffled? Hey, mum.
I'm making muffins of triumph for Kate.
Mufins of triumph, attaboy! Where's mum? Well, I'm not I'm not sure if mum's here I mean, mom's here, but I don't know if mum's here T.
's back? No, I think maybe Buck Right again, peach fest.
Buck! Nice! Hey, don't smoke in here, okay, man? I always smoke when I party.
Well this isn't a party.
Says you.
Looks like femoral here has been baking up a storm.
Tastes homo made.
Homo made Hey, those are for Katie's dance recital and she'd love to see you there.
You're coming, right? No can't do.
As much as I wanna see what Katie's friends look like in tats, I'm gonna go shooting.
What? No! Buck.
You're not going to gun range without us.
thing, us three.
Already cleaned Persephone.
Oh you cleansed your gun already! Hey, my regards to Katie.
- Who are you calling? - Dr Ocean.
Maybe she can talk to you about being a little less selfish.
But Dr Ocean's actually in the self emulation center in Tampa.
Smartass teenagers.
Got themselves up.
Buck, listen, Katie loves you.
She'll be thrilled to see you in the audience.
Dad, don't appeal to his emotions, just Let him go to murder practice.
You don't want me to go, do you, Marcia? I just think that you shouldn't have to do anything that you don't wanna do, since you're such a maverick and all.
Maybe I wanna go.
For Katie.
Okay, that settles it.
Wrap up those MOTs, alright? We're late.
Let's go.
Thanks Buck.
- This is just unsanitary.
- Oh wrap it up, Doris Day.
- Where's Buck? - What? Where's Buck? - He went to the men's room.
- What? I told you to watch him! I did watch him.
I watched him leave.
Again, please take your seats, ladies and gentlemen.
You're enjoying this.
Shut up, faggy.
Maybe you're one too.
Did you see my Grand Jeté? - Unbelievable! - It was huge! pirouette in front of real people before.
Just you, guys.
- Hey Kate, great job! - Thanks! Hey, Mrs Gregson.
These muffins of triumph have never been more well deserved.
It's Paula Deen's recipe, to eat slightly.
Thanks Marsh.
Dad, where's Buck? You ever talk to Katie again, I'll rip up your balls and shove it down your ass.
Mrs Gregson, stop, I can't hit you back! What's this Mrs Gregson bullshit.
I am Buck and I will fuck you sideways.
Wait, you're who? Come on! What's going on here? Not only did this little wanna-be Jack pop Katie's cherry - He wrapped her up today! - What? Is that true? Did he touch you? Did he? Marshall! Fuck him up! You don't touch my sister! - Fuck you! - Fuck him up! Go, Marshall go! Geez! Rusty.
Prepare to be schooled.
That school got a short bus? So thanks for coming to my recital.
Next time I want Mum.
No offense, Buck.
None taken, blonde head.
I hate that PBS shit anyhow.
Thanks for defending my honor.
Benjamin is such a waste of hair product.
I can't believe he hit you.
Why? I'm able-bodied.
Besides, you should thank Marcia.
He got right in there and kicked like a Pussycat Doll.
That's right, Katie We got your back, all of us guys.
Listen, keep it in your pants from now on here.
You don't wanna go making no babies till you're sixteen and can support it.
Hey, Marcia, get over here.
I'll show you how to make this ball your bitch.
This is the biggest ball you ever gonna hold.
You gotta move up, swing it back, and #### straight at us.
It's weird how Buck's a lefty and none of the others are.
Yeah, that is one weird thing.