United States of Tara s02e08 Episode Script

Explosive Diorama

Who's this? I think that's a portrait I must have painted of our dead neighbor.
Why? The Hubbard house makes it happen.
You know that little thing that you had with my wife? Buck, I love you.
I love you.
- Big news.
- We're pregnant! Found out today that the baby's not Nick's.
- Charmaine's pregnant with your baby.
- What? Congratulations, Charm.
You officially have no soul.
You have got to go, okay? This is the worst possible time.
I'll leave.
I just want to give you this.
It's a liar box.
Lynda and I are setting up a table at this comic shop in KC-MO to sell picturesfor money.
- What are you doing that I'm not doing? - I started an online wishlist.
Kind of like a bridal registry.
You help them get off, and voilĂ  Your dishes are sparkling clean.
I haven't been feeling inspired to work at home lately.
When I saw you and your work I made a wrong turn somewhere.
Cutting it a little close? - I'm so sorry.
- What's she doing here? The guy's gonna be here in an hour.
I'm getting Lynda a few art supplies, and then I'll be right back.
United Team Blackart Browncoat Lafeelicita Miniben314 Salomon valpi Explosive Diorama So, I found this in the garbage.
You know, I did consider keeping it, just so I could always be reminded of how my actions affect others.
- Overrated.
- I know.
So, you cool if I use it, or? But Why do you have all that masking tape? I don't know.
I just Your dad told me about your decision.
You know, about being gay.
So, I just want to let you know, if you need somebody to talk to Goodbye, mom.
God.
This house is like a hive of humans staring at their own personal screens.
What up? You'd rather we all went bowling or ice skating or something? How about ice bowling? I was thinking maybe you might want to come down to Lynda's.
That art walk "First Fridays" thing is coming up, and Yeah, been to a few of those myself.
Keep an eye out for the dude on the stilts.
He's really tall.
You sure you don't want to come? Let's see You took every single thing from my favorite place in the world and made it yours.
So No, I think I'll pass.
Well, I thought we could both "Both" like "You and me"? Yeah, sure.
And while we're at it, let's call grandma Bev and see if she would like to lollygag around Lynda's place in a beige pant.
I am nothing like grandma Bev.
And I am nothing like remotely available to have this chat with you.
- If you'll excuse.
- Fine.
Is this princess Valhalla Hawkwind? Yes, it is.
Now, let's do dis.
My god! I just saw Tara! She's so smiley! Is one of her alters fucking a clown? Haven't seen much of any alters lately.
It's all Tara.
She's been spending time downtown at that lady's loft last couple of weeks.
Kate's friend? Probably prancing around down there, finger-painting, dancing to the indigo girls.
Yeah, you're pissed.
No, I'm not.
I'm happy for her.
It's exactly what she needs.
So I finally had my "aha" moment.
Meaning? I had the realization that I'm kind of glad you outed me.
I mean, you're only as sick as your secrets, and I'm sick of being sick.
- New therapist? - No, new issue O magazine.
What? They've got poems, Max.
Monthly poems.
I'll have to check that out.
Here's my plan.
You know how those famous ladies adopt orphan babies from, like, Malawi or whatever? Yeah.
So? What if Nick could think of himself as an adoptive father? Like, what if he had met me when I was smack dab in the middle of adopting a baby? From Africa.
Well, you had sex with another man while you were engaged to him, Char.
Guys usually have a pretty fucking hard time getting over that stuff.
I know, but Why? So, on the scale of gayness, I'm thinking Alex would be a 10.
You mean, like, 10 being the most queeny, flouncy, flamy, homo in the land and one being, like, Craig T.
Nelson? Or, like, one being, like, Jason Maurio? He is, like He's, like, a 3.
What did you guys do together, anyway? It? Just kissed.
And a little dry humping.
Must have been tough to stay dry.
I'm only attracted to total manlys.
You know, like 1s and 2s.
What do you think I am? I don't know.
Like, a 5? I am not a 5, okay? I don't talk gay, I don't walk gay.
I mean, people don't even know I'm gay unless I'm Blowing them? Marshall's coming out of his little turtle shell.
I am not a turtle.
Turtle.
My god! This place looks so different! - I haven't been here in ages.
- I know.
You been busy! So have you.
You taste good.
You think we could make a time? Yeah, definitely.
You mean A time to see each other, or a time to get together and figure out when we can make a time to see each other? I'm sorry.
I got to go.
Okay, scoot along.
Hi.
Welcome back.
Kate is just so pissy.
I mean, I don't know if it's a mother/daughter thing or a woman thing or It's probably just me.
Someone once told me you need to make art as if your parents are dead.
Yeah, but not your kids.
I don't know.
I don't speak to mine.
- You've got kids? - Three.
Well, two of my own, plus a stepdaughter.
My stepdaughter's a little manipulator fucking bitch.
My own daughter she stopped speaking to me.
That was her choice.
She'll come around.
Son He does whatever his sister does.
Man.
That must be so hard.
They're all grown.
I guess it's kind of fun to think about.
Life without your kids.
Life just for yourself.
Then you realize that was the only thing holding the marriage together.
When my kids were grown, my husband and I took one look at each other and went, "Okay, no more audience.
It's time to close the show.
" So, you're divorced? You think I'd have time for this if I had some man running around saying, "What the fuck is this? Scratch my back.
Make me some chunky soup!" And then Danielle shows up, even though she wasn't invited, and then Teresa and Caroline go, "Let's beat her ass" I'm sorry, but I don't actually watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
I thought you said I could talk about whatever I wanted.
I did.
But now I wanna do something else.
What? Do you have any cake? Cake? Why? I was hoping you could sit on it.
The baby isn't mine? It's it's Neil's? Biologically.
But the baby's yours spiritually.
Look, Nick, everything happens for a reason.
Okay, you know that.
We talked about that on our first date, on our very first date.
God, doesn't this place remind you of a European gum commercial? Charmaine, focus.
Do you realize what you're saying? Remind me.
You lied to me.
You told me You told me you were keeping yourself pure at your sister's house so that on our wedding night, it'd feel like our first time again.
I know.
I know.
Look, it was just this one awful night, okay? When I watched this documentary about chronic fatigue syndrome, and then I became convinced that I had chronic fatigue syndrome, and I was in this state, and Neil came over, and he Did he force himself on you? Sort of.
I mean, no Of course not.
Well, yeah, kind of emotionally.
He made me feel sorry for him.
I've got this natural caretaker thing that sometimes bites me in the ass.
I can't believe this.
I mean, I'm - I'm really blindsided here.
- I know.
I know.
I am, too.
I know there's something wrong with me, okay? I need help.
I need someone who loves me.
Look, I never believed my prince charming was out there.
So even after you came along, I still believed that you were pretend.
All right, look.
I fucked up, okay? I so fucked up.
But please Please don't put me out into the streets.
Help me Believe in love.
So, I was checking out your wishlist.
I see you want a kindle, a coach purse.
Or the magic bullet.
I'm fucking wild about that magic bullet.
All right.
So Tell me, kind sir What do I do now? I just sit on this thing? Yeah, but first you need to turn away from me.
So I can see your ass.
But I wanna see your face, too.
Wait.
Before I do this, help a lady out.
Do I hate this, or do I like this? You're surprised.
You don't know you're about to sit on the cake.
There's got to be a better way.
All this dicing and chopping is endless.
Only three of us tonight, buddy, 'cause Charmaine's out with Nick.
And mom's working, so You wanna call Lionel, for dinner? You wanna invite him to your mom's thing? God! Stop with your pimping action.
Let a young man live his life.
Hey, dad, is there any way we could make our showers hotter? I want it really, like scaldy.
Sure.
Whatcha doing up there all day? Looking for a new job? Sort of.
So, guys, we're all gonna go to mom's thing tomorrow, right? If by "all of us", you mean "everyone except me", then yes, sir, you are correct.
You should go.
She's never actually had an art show before, as far as I can remember.
Except for a little art show we've all been forced to witness called her life.
"No stars!" says Kate Gregson of the Overland Park parent review.
Marsh, if it's cool with you, I'm gonna get mine to go, okay? That your house? House you grew up in? Who told you to put all the little stones on it? How do you know someone told me? You got a whole system in there I know about.
You make art with all your selves.
I didn't realize you were so curious about DID.
When I dropped out of the scene, they were still calling you guys "multiples".
But when I was locked up, I had a roommate like you.
She told me all about it.
I don't judge.
Let me see I have been called borderline, bipolar, depressive, garden-variety hysterical woman, post-partum, pre-partum, partum-partum, fucked-up, Angela Davis, angry-black-woman syndrome.
I heard it all, baby.
I gave up on that "white floor, bright lights" scene.
I feel much better here.
Must be our Peking duck.
Surprise delivery.
I can't believe you did this.
Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.
Got the plates and everything.
Were you gonna stay? I thought you'd be a little excited to see me.
Take a break? You know, catch up? It's just, we're still working, and I didn't want to get all Distracted? I need $26.
50.
I would pay, but you used up two tubes of my white liquitex.
- I got my credit card here.
- They don't take plastic.
I got it.
I got it.
Here.
Think I was gonna memorize the numbers, like some "Rain man" shit? Don't fuck with me.
You're only in our family's lives because my daughter caught you committing identity theft.
It's not theft if you created the identity.
Man, that smells good.
You got a little buffet to choose from.
Chinese or Overland Park gay gourmet.
It's all good.
Are you sure you don't want to No, no.
Enjoy your dinner.
God, I feel terrible.
Don't.
Doesn't do anybody any favors.
Let's have some duck.
What are you gonna do with all these balloons? Have you been enjoying that magic bullet that arrived this morning? It's such an affordable alternative to a cuisinart.
Well, a guy put it in my online wishlist after I sat on a cake.
After I met him at a comic-book store.
There's hundreds more guys just like him.
I do shit, and they buy me stuff.
In terms of, like, how people see me, how gay do I act, on a scale of 1 to 10? Methinks it's nigh on close to 4:00.
Hey.
Princess.
I've been waiting for you.
Get rid of your friend.
- Go.
Get out of here.
- Are you going to mom's art show, even? It's time for some balloonacy! Cool? Thank you.
That's a maze? One sec.
This is the most important part.
Damn, you've spent more time painting that bicentennial flag than the whole house.
There.
Now it's perfect.
Why didn't you guys wait for me? I was making sure that was a legal spot.
You know, now I'm not so sure if it was.
You guys go on ahead.
I'm gonna go back.
Mom? Thanks for coming.
So - This is it? My liar box is in there? - Yeah, it's in there.
I like it.
From now on, I'll send all my love-themed garbage your way.
All right.
She's here with him.
What do you care? Come on.
Get something to eat.
You want a bump? Coke? Oh, my God, Lionel! A-bombs! Some people know it as a prescription medication for attention deficit.
I've never had that.
Okay, sure.
Hey, guys, maybe we shouldn't do this in here.
Art, bathrooms, drugs.
It's almost like being in New York.
You know, I met Ted in New York.
He was my professor at the new school, teaching gregorian chant.
Back when that monk album was all the rage.
It was very hot.
Got to say, I'm a big fan of Ted's blouse.
Tommy Bahama is like Ed Hardy for 65-year-old fat men.
Have you guys seen an Egyptian guy? He's about 30 years old.
He's good-looking Marshy? Toot toot? Come to the dark side, my little turtle.
This I think you're supposed to open this.
Well, that's a waste of a hell of a lot of good cheese nips.
Hey, is it just me, or is anyone else blown away by the level of detail on this wee, little bicentennial flag? Okay, ready yourself for a pop.
You know what, friend? I don't know if I feel like popping any more balloons.
I don't really think it's worth a new blender or an "it" bag.
Well, we can Put new things on your wishlist.
Just Tell me what you want.
Anything.
Anything? A Vespa.
A pink Vespa.
I'm sorry, man, but there is some crap in the art world that I just don't get.
Look at this shit.
I'm over here talking to Eli Adler, who is one of the most important art-gallery owners in Kansas City, and we both overhead you, my husband, calling my art "crap".
Honestly, I didn't even know whose it was.
Well, my name's on it.
Right there.
That says "Tara Craine", your maiden name.
Yeah, well, I just I don't even know.
I just signed it that way.
It was really late when I finished working last night, and it just came out.
Lynda thought it was interesting.
Well I've been married to you for 18 years, and I have to agree.
That's pretty interesting.
Jesus Christ.
Let me ask you a fucking question.
Let's just say you had a new alter named Tara or Tara Craine.
Would you know? Oh, my God.
Max, I don't Why are you doing this to me? Can't I just have one good night? One good night? You're unbelievable! What about me? Could I maybe get one good year? Do you have any idea how much of my fucking life I dedicate to giving you good days and good nights? I know, but I finally find something that makes me feel like me.
This makes you feel like you, huh? Not us? Not Not our house? - I wanted some space to be able to - You want some space? You wanna have a little time to do your thing? You take all the fucking time you want.
I'm gonna need a ride home? Oh, yeah, I'm sure we could do that.
Can we do that, honey? I can't go out there.
I have a phobia of fireworks.
Ever since I was little, something about the noise just freaks me out.
Oh, God! I'm coming!